Ten days ago, June 20th, marked the 13th anniversary of our arrival in the U.S. back in 1996, when we were two young "kids," recently married and graduated from college (1.5 year earlier) who wanted to:
1) (in the K's case) learn English;
2) (both of us) have an experience of life abroad -- this was particularly important for me, already fluent in the language and an English teacher in Brazil.
We never imagined that we'd stay for so long and keep on "staying." I once wrote (4 years ago!) about being an "accidental academic," but I think that now one of the most defining aspects of K's life and mine is that we accidentally became immigrants as well.We're still struggling with that thought. I think I've said here before that becoming permanent residents somehow "changed everything" for us in a sense and prompted us to make a decision to stay here a little longer. When we tell our story to people, however, as it happened in the past month or two with Klebert and a lab partner of his, it sounds very strange to people that we never planned to become immigrants in the first place!
As a matter of fact, for many years I used to shock (with great pleasure!) people who had recently come from Brazil to "the promised land" in saying that I didn't like it here. I would kind of boast that I spoke the language flawlessly, that I understood the culture, that I had never problems adapting to life here (except some minor issues such as being depressed for not having any money for years and years -- which turned out to be "forever" since it's still the case!), but that I didn't really liked the country, that I didn't think it was this wonderful thing that these people thought it was. I wanted to go back to Brazil, I really did.
Longtime readers also know from one of my key, most heartfelt posts, that a large part of the reason why I became a happier expatriate and stopped talking about going back to Brazil is the fulfilling, meaningful interactions and friendships that I experienced once I started blogging. So, yeah, you can it blame a little bit on blogging -- the fact that I'm here today ;-). In any case, we stayed... and the initial loss of K's "big pharma" job was the event that ultimately brought us to the residency.
So, what now? As I recently wrote, I'm becoming slightly uncomfortable with the fact that I'm slowly, but surely, embracing my life here. It's understandable that I have these feelings right now because we just found out that we'll probably be able to keep the house. That is a HUGE deal. It's only now that I can finally begin to think again about the "positives" -- the things I like about this house and this region. I just couldn't allow myself to do that after the initial two months of "peacefully" (if stressful for the novelty of it all, and living in an ungly, fixer upper of a house) living here, before it all collapsed when K lost his job. After that, I could not allow myself to enjoy this house because I knew that we would probably not get to keep it... In any case, I'm a bit shocked at the fact that I'm hesitant to go to Brazil.
On the one hand, I want to go, I don't want to stay and then regret it, but on the other hand, we've just gone through so much, that all I want is to stay put for a while. To process and enjoy our new-found stability and peace with K and the boys. So, yeah... that's part of it. And these are some of the thoughts in my mind as we "commemorate" 13 years in the U.S. We've been here long enough, and we might just be reaching the point in which we'll be calling this place "home" too -- not that Brazil will no longer be our "home" country, no... Yeah, we'll always feel that in-betweeness. It's inevitable, that much I know, and this is not an "accidental" feeling, it's part and parcel of being an immigrant.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Monday, June 29, 2009
"Should I Stay or Should I Go"
Yeah, I realize that I'm dating myself a lot with that 80's song title (I'm offering a link to the young kids out there), but... whatever, I'm not shy about being almost 38 (b-day next week).
So, I have an extremely difficult decision to make in the next few days or weeks:
Should the boys and I go to Brazil or should we stay have and my parents come instead?
I know, this is supposed to be a no-brainer, I've never had to think twice about booking flights to go to Brazil (except to decide how long to stay and such), as a rule, I'm always dying to go. For some reason, maybe for several reasons, this time is different, however. I'm very undecided. One side of me (and the boys who love flying on airplanes) wants to go right away, but another side wants to stay.
First, the pros and the cons of each decision.
- Traveling around a lot to beautiful places (to Parana: Curitiba, Maringa and Foz do Iguacu -- the world-famous, beautiful, Iguazu Falls, Sao Paulo city and coutryside and, possibly, Goias - the hot water springs place).
- Less daily expenses because everything is shared with my parents (and perhaps uncle) who actually usually foot most of the bills (including two plane tickets out of three).
- Flying with the boys (it's tiring, but always fun, I'm a pro at flying solo with babies and kids).
- Enjoy the house and gardening, do projects on the house with my parents if they come.
- Possible trips to Florida (to pick up my parents and stay a few days in the Orlando, Cape Canaveral area), to Montreal -- we'll go whether I go or stay, though, K's youngest brother and wife just immigrated to Canada, and to Massachusetts (we might go either way also).
- Visits with/from family (parental aunt and uncle who live in the U.S.) if my parents are here.
- Although my parents will be paying for two tickets, the expenses may hinder a possible trip in December/January for K's cousin wedding.
- Being away from K (I've been OK with that in the past, but I feel differently now, perhaps because of all we've been through this year).
- Missing possible job interviews (for adjuncting or whatever) -- this is a serious con.
- Not flying (this is a huge con for the boys).
As you can see, the cons of staying home are not that many (and I cannot really think of any more), but the pros of going are very strong...
I've been waiting for months and months to make this decision -- we were waiting for a definition on the house, selling or something, to decide what to do and during those months I was really eager to go. But now, that it's almost certain that we can keep the house, all of a sudden I want to stay... and not be away from K or from the house and my flowers (I'm yet to plant veggies -- it's too late, but I will anyway).
And there's one thing that bothers me just slightly (but not a lot, at least not enough): perhaps I'm getting too comfortable in my life here and I don't feel a strong urge to return as often to Brazil anymore. That is really sad, but I'll write another post about it shortly.
So, if you were me would you stay or would you go?
So, I have an extremely difficult decision to make in the next few days or weeks:
Should the boys and I go to Brazil or should we stay have and my parents come instead?
I know, this is supposed to be a no-brainer, I've never had to think twice about booking flights to go to Brazil (except to decide how long to stay and such), as a rule, I'm always dying to go. For some reason, maybe for several reasons, this time is different, however. I'm very undecided. One side of me (and the boys who love flying on airplanes) wants to go right away, but another side wants to stay.
First, the pros and the cons of each decision.
Pros of Going to Brazil
- Seeing dear friends and family members -- particularly my youngest nephew who I saw at one month and then never more (he'll be one on my birthday, if you recall) -- my BIL and family are moving to Brazil from Turkey.- Traveling around a lot to beautiful places (to Parana: Curitiba, Maringa and Foz do Iguacu -- the world-famous, beautiful, Iguazu Falls, Sao Paulo city and coutryside and, possibly, Goias - the hot water springs place).
- Less daily expenses because everything is shared with my parents (and perhaps uncle) who actually usually foot most of the bills (including two plane tickets out of three).
- Flying with the boys (it's tiring, but always fun, I'm a pro at flying solo with babies and kids).
Pros of Staying Home
- Enjoying summer with the family, going to the pool (at friend's houses and, possibly, at the Y, if we can join at at discounted rate -- I don't know if they do that), driving to the beach (Jersey shore), etc.- Enjoy the house and gardening, do projects on the house with my parents if they come.
- Possible trips to Florida (to pick up my parents and stay a few days in the Orlando, Cape Canaveral area), to Montreal -- we'll go whether I go or stay, though, K's youngest brother and wife just immigrated to Canada, and to Massachusetts (we might go either way also).
- Visits with/from family (parental aunt and uncle who live in the U.S.) if my parents are here.
Cons of Going to Brazil
- Experiencing cold weather there (it's winter) while missing hot weather here.- Although my parents will be paying for two tickets, the expenses may hinder a possible trip in December/January for K's cousin wedding.
- Being away from K (I've been OK with that in the past, but I feel differently now, perhaps because of all we've been through this year).
- Missing possible job interviews (for adjuncting or whatever) -- this is a serious con.
Cons of Staying Home
- Much bigger expenses if we travel to Florida as we'd like to do (to make up for not going to Brazil).- Not flying (this is a huge con for the boys).
As you can see, the cons of staying home are not that many (and I cannot really think of any more), but the pros of going are very strong...
I've been waiting for months and months to make this decision -- we were waiting for a definition on the house, selling or something, to decide what to do and during those months I was really eager to go. But now, that it's almost certain that we can keep the house, all of a sudden I want to stay... and not be away from K or from the house and my flowers (I'm yet to plant veggies -- it's too late, but I will anyway).
And there's one thing that bothers me just slightly (but not a lot, at least not enough): perhaps I'm getting too comfortable in my life here and I don't feel a strong urge to return as often to Brazil anymore. That is really sad, but I'll write another post about it shortly.
So, if you were me would you stay or would you go?
Monday, June 22, 2009
On Paper
The mail carrier just arrived and rang the bell because I had to sign for a delivery and there was an express UPS envelope by the door. It was from the bank, with the paperwork for the renegotiation of our loan. So after it's signed, notarized and mailed back to them, we will remove the sign from the front lawn. It will no longer be the "tombstone to our buried dream."
(taken on April 24)
The dream is alive again. And I have no words to express what a gift that is to me, to our family. I no longer have to choke back tears when the boys ride their bikes on the driveway all day long or wonder what things I have to give away or pay to store (not that we don't need de-cluttering, we do and I will get rid of things, I promise ;-). In sum, we live on, waiting for the next challenge, looking forward for K's job searches this fall and next year (if needed). Hopefully we'll move only when he has a full time job, exactly as we've always wanted, but only dared to dream about.
What a relief... Thank you so much for all your well wishes, your prayers and positive thoughts on our behalf. I'm so glad that we never got an offer on the house! It wasn't meant to be, we were meant to stay. Wonderful!
(taken on April 24)What a relief... Thank you so much for all your well wishes, your prayers and positive thoughts on our behalf. I'm so glad that we never got an offer on the house! It wasn't meant to be, we were meant to stay. Wonderful!
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Incredible News
So, thanks to our Dear New President, the bank came through and most probably we'll be able to keep the house.
I can't write much (and there's not much more to tell anyway) because I'm "escaping" from the camp for one night because we didn't have enough clothes to deal with the endlessly rainy and unseasonably cold weather. It feels great to be in a warm, spacious house instead of stuck inside a "barrack" style tent whose sides are getting damp from the incessant rain. I arrived late (11 pm) and will be driving back early tomorrow, so I have to go to bed. Good thing it's only 1.5h away.
Anyway... Last Tuesday K was able to talk directly to the bank representative who is dealing with our case and the terms of the renegotiation just blew him away (e.g. temporary 2% interest).We just talked briefly about this and his feeling is that it does not seem fair that just because the timing was "right" (I've written here before about how it was kind of wrong) we're going to benefit from this "bail out" that the government is putting out. K feels that the fair thing in our case would have been selling the house, but of course it'll be great to get to keep it until he has a permanent job.
My reactions are a bit different. First, it's taking time for the news to sink in, it feels too good to be true. Then, I feel this light euphoria, the realization that the house is, in fact, still ours (with it on the market, I felt much less entitled to it) and that I can go back to planning my life in it for a bit longer (e.g. planting more flowers, perennials even!). Tonight as I came in after a few days away I just looked at it with fresh eyes and pondered how beautiful and comfortable it is. I also reminisced about the things that we liked about the house from the start.
It feels like a new beginning, in a sense. And I know I need my sleep, but I also "needed" (OK, wanted) to share the good news with you! I'll be back on Saturday night or Sunday.
I can't write much (and there's not much more to tell anyway) because I'm "escaping" from the camp for one night because we didn't have enough clothes to deal with the endlessly rainy and unseasonably cold weather. It feels great to be in a warm, spacious house instead of stuck inside a "barrack" style tent whose sides are getting damp from the incessant rain. I arrived late (11 pm) and will be driving back early tomorrow, so I have to go to bed. Good thing it's only 1.5h away.
Anyway... Last Tuesday K was able to talk directly to the bank representative who is dealing with our case and the terms of the renegotiation just blew him away (e.g. temporary 2% interest).We just talked briefly about this and his feeling is that it does not seem fair that just because the timing was "right" (I've written here before about how it was kind of wrong) we're going to benefit from this "bail out" that the government is putting out. K feels that the fair thing in our case would have been selling the house, but of course it'll be great to get to keep it until he has a permanent job.
My reactions are a bit different. First, it's taking time for the news to sink in, it feels too good to be true. Then, I feel this light euphoria, the realization that the house is, in fact, still ours (with it on the market, I felt much less entitled to it) and that I can go back to planning my life in it for a bit longer (e.g. planting more flowers, perennials even!). Tonight as I came in after a few days away I just looked at it with fresh eyes and pondered how beautiful and comfortable it is. I also reminisced about the things that we liked about the house from the start.
It feels like a new beginning, in a sense. And I know I need my sleep, but I also "needed" (OK, wanted) to share the good news with you! I'll be back on Saturday night or Sunday.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
A Cure for Baby Lust
I can't say with conviction that I'm fully recovered from this "ailment" that has plagued me repeatedly in the past, but I'm slowly getting there. :-)
Last week I randomly picked up one of the journals that I kept when Kelvin was 4-6 months old and reading those entries was a powerful reminder of how hard it is to have a baby. All I could write obsessively about were how many hours Kelvin had slept and how many times he had nursed every night... I never found anything so effective in inhibiting any desire that I might still have of having another baby. I was really impressed by that!
This was last week and today I had the chance to test my resolve and whether this shock treatment was really effective. A close friend of ours gave birth yesterday morning (this was a birth that I wanted to have seen, but the baby was born in the 24h that I was away visiting my BIL's family in MD) and this afternoon I went to the hospital to see the baby and my friends. While I was holding him my friend asked whether I wanted to have another baby and I confidently answered: "No, I don't want to have another one." I passed the test!
Babies are incredibly lovely, but require incredible patience and work too. This little guy is less than 48h old and his mom is having a hard time sleeping and doing anything else because he wants to be constantly at her breast. I spent 2.5 hours in the hospital and in this brief period I could totally see why I just cannot go through this again. So, there you go... I may agree to have K be "snipped" after all... Let's see. I'll be 40 in a couple of years, so I'm sure this is a good path to take.
OK, I'm going to bed now, we had a long weekend, with K's youngest brother visiting from Canada. This week I'll be mostly offline, but I'll try to post if possible.
Last week I randomly picked up one of the journals that I kept when Kelvin was 4-6 months old and reading those entries was a powerful reminder of how hard it is to have a baby. All I could write obsessively about were how many hours Kelvin had slept and how many times he had nursed every night... I never found anything so effective in inhibiting any desire that I might still have of having another baby. I was really impressed by that!
This was last week and today I had the chance to test my resolve and whether this shock treatment was really effective. A close friend of ours gave birth yesterday morning (this was a birth that I wanted to have seen, but the baby was born in the 24h that I was away visiting my BIL's family in MD) and this afternoon I went to the hospital to see the baby and my friends. While I was holding him my friend asked whether I wanted to have another baby and I confidently answered: "No, I don't want to have another one." I passed the test!
Babies are incredibly lovely, but require incredible patience and work too. This little guy is less than 48h old and his mom is having a hard time sleeping and doing anything else because he wants to be constantly at her breast. I spent 2.5 hours in the hospital and in this brief period I could totally see why I just cannot go through this again. So, there you go... I may agree to have K be "snipped" after all... Let's see. I'll be 40 in a couple of years, so I'm sure this is a good path to take.OK, I'm going to bed now, we had a long weekend, with K's youngest brother visiting from Canada. This week I'll be mostly offline, but I'll try to post if possible.
Tuesday, June 09, 2009
Hope, Again
The bank (ok, a bank representative) left a message last Friday, but K only listened to it this morning. Apparently we can qualify for a renegotiation of the mortgage terms, but we need a tiny bit more income. K called back today, but the person wasn't there.
Keep your fingers crossed for us. My employment with the school is actually over (one more paycheck and that's it), so technically our income now is even lower than what we claimed it to be when we filed the paperwork. Sigh. They don't need to know I no longer have the job, do they? Well, we're trying to think of alternatives. I hope we don't have to wait until one of us has another job (K is looking for a part-time teaching gig on top of his postdoc) in the Fall for the payment to be lowered.
Maybe we can keep the house after all. At this point, I'm so disillusioned and I've grieved so much already that selling it would have been kind of a relief, but maybe "we're meant" to have it a little bit longer.
We'll see.
Keep your fingers crossed for us. My employment with the school is actually over (one more paycheck and that's it), so technically our income now is even lower than what we claimed it to be when we filed the paperwork. Sigh. They don't need to know I no longer have the job, do they? Well, we're trying to think of alternatives. I hope we don't have to wait until one of us has another job (K is looking for a part-time teaching gig on top of his postdoc) in the Fall for the payment to be lowered.
Maybe we can keep the house after all. At this point, I'm so disillusioned and I've grieved so much already that selling it would have been kind of a relief, but maybe "we're meant" to have it a little bit longer.
We'll see.
Monday, June 08, 2009
Hi-Bye
No, I'm not saying goodbye to you or blogging... the silly title is just to say that this is a quick, "Hi" "Goodbye" kind of post.
Still busy, still trying to make some slide shows (particularly a pregnancy one!! yes!) and really wanting to post tons of photos (ongoing wish), but even busier times might be coming.
I sent out a second application last Friday and I hope to send a few more, along with some query letters. Wish me luck!
Other than that... things are the same and we're happy for the prospect of having family (youngest brother-in-law & wife, recent Canadian immigrants) visiting later in the week! Oh, and parents-in-law currently "stuck" in Brazil (visa situation -- lack of an important document -- if I have time I'll explain more later).
Many things I want to blog about -- how reluctant we are to really feel like we're immigrants too.
OK, bye. Hopefully more soon.
Still busy, still trying to make some slide shows (particularly a pregnancy one!! yes!) and really wanting to post tons of photos (ongoing wish), but even busier times might be coming.
I sent out a second application last Friday and I hope to send a few more, along with some query letters. Wish me luck!
Other than that... things are the same and we're happy for the prospect of having family (youngest brother-in-law & wife, recent Canadian immigrants) visiting later in the week! Oh, and parents-in-law currently "stuck" in Brazil (visa situation -- lack of an important document -- if I have time I'll explain more later).
Many things I want to blog about -- how reluctant we are to really feel like we're immigrants too.
OK, bye. Hopefully more soon.
Wednesday, June 03, 2009
One Down...
... a couple (or a few more) to go.
Phew! I have finally sent out my first job application, not that I expect that much will come of it, but at least I tried. (the last one I sent became a fruitless lead :-(, remember?)
What I didn't want to do is what I have not in fact done until now although I intended to. I haven't sent out any "query" letters about adjuncting to each and every college and university in the area.
Should I try that? I have lots of doubts that it would work. And it might be too late anyway at this point (those are some of the excuses I use).
I do think that now I have a general enough "Teaching Interests" section in my CV that might help me out, but I cringe just thinking of sending those uncalled for "applications." This is precisely what my husband did when he finished his Ph.D. and was looking for a postdoctoral position. He sent out 50+ letters to researchers he was interested in working with. And he did get three offers and one interested researcher (who actually had him fly out to Atlanta to give a talk, but whose financial help for the offer never materialized). But that's in the sciences, not in the humanities, so... I feel safer applying for actual positions.
Oh, I did send out one such email, but that was it. Well... I'm glad at least I'm doing something. Remember my new year's resolution? I'm not fulfilling the part about "looking into anything," but I guess it's just that I don't know how some of those "things" (curatorship, editing, etc.) work.
P.S. [a long one, sorry!]
And for those who may be wondering about this announcement from last April regarding another "career" path. Well... I have given up even before I began. The problem is that because of the uncertainty of our lives right now and pressing the need for me to work and help pay the mortgage, I cannot be sure that I will be available in September when my friend is due. This friend is the one who would have helped me financially to pay for the course andcertification in exchange for my support as doula at her daughter's birth. I still want to go and be with her and help her, but I don't need to be a doula in the process of certification to do that, right?
Another friend is due in two weeks and I really want to be at the birth of her son too -- I've never seen a birth except for my own births, so it'd be lovely! I hope I can make it!
And finally... it would have been cool to have doula certification, but I've already spent 10 years of my life pursuing the PhD and I think I should try to use it for something, right? That's why I feel leery of abrupt career path changes. E.g. I think I'd love to work in librarianship, but the thought of having to PAY to get another degree (a MLIS master in library and information science) when I already have a PhD is too depressing...
And it's more the paying than anything, let me tell ya... I would gladly go back to school [I loooooove to study, I really do!] provided I didn't have to pay and could even make some money (such as in an assistanship). Maybe I should get another PhD! A-ha! I joke about that with K, but it's true... I really wish I could keep on studying.
Do you think I'm crazy? OK, time to go back to the other applications. I'm just happily procrastinaging here. :-D
Phew! I have finally sent out my first job application, not that I expect that much will come of it, but at least I tried. (the last one I sent became a fruitless lead :-(, remember?)
What I didn't want to do is what I have not in fact done until now although I intended to. I haven't sent out any "query" letters about adjuncting to each and every college and university in the area.
Should I try that? I have lots of doubts that it would work. And it might be too late anyway at this point (those are some of the excuses I use).
I do think that now I have a general enough "Teaching Interests" section in my CV that might help me out, but I cringe just thinking of sending those uncalled for "applications." This is precisely what my husband did when he finished his Ph.D. and was looking for a postdoctoral position. He sent out 50+ letters to researchers he was interested in working with. And he did get three offers and one interested researcher (who actually had him fly out to Atlanta to give a talk, but whose financial help for the offer never materialized). But that's in the sciences, not in the humanities, so... I feel safer applying for actual positions.
Oh, I did send out one such email, but that was it. Well... I'm glad at least I'm doing something. Remember my new year's resolution? I'm not fulfilling the part about "looking into anything," but I guess it's just that I don't know how some of those "things" (curatorship, editing, etc.) work.
P.S. [a long one, sorry!]
And for those who may be wondering about this announcement from last April regarding another "career" path. Well... I have given up even before I began. The problem is that because of the uncertainty of our lives right now and pressing the need for me to work and help pay the mortgage, I cannot be sure that I will be available in September when my friend is due. This friend is the one who would have helped me financially to pay for the course andcertification in exchange for my support as doula at her daughter's birth. I still want to go and be with her and help her, but I don't need to be a doula in the process of certification to do that, right?
Another friend is due in two weeks and I really want to be at the birth of her son too -- I've never seen a birth except for my own births, so it'd be lovely! I hope I can make it!
And finally... it would have been cool to have doula certification, but I've already spent 10 years of my life pursuing the PhD and I think I should try to use it for something, right? That's why I feel leery of abrupt career path changes. E.g. I think I'd love to work in librarianship, but the thought of having to PAY to get another degree (a MLIS master in library and information science) when I already have a PhD is too depressing...
And it's more the paying than anything, let me tell ya... I would gladly go back to school [I loooooove to study, I really do!] provided I didn't have to pay and could even make some money (such as in an assistanship). Maybe I should get another PhD! A-ha! I joke about that with K, but it's true... I really wish I could keep on studying.
Do you think I'm crazy? OK, time to go back to the other applications. I'm just happily procrastinaging here. :-D
Tuesday, June 02, 2009
Still Busy, Still Waiting
Thanks for commenting in the last post, my friends, you know it does mean a lot to me to know you're out there. It makes everything easier and the experience of blogging more meaningful.
I'm still busy, this time trying to send out a few job applications. Surprisingly there are several adjunct, part-time and even a couple of full time openings in area colleges! They're not exactly in my area, but I'll try.
The weekend was busy too, we went to a state park where a family of friends was camping and we all went canoeing and kayaking in the lake and then later ate delicious grilled veggies (and other goodies) at our friends' campsite. On Sunday the same friends had a birthday party for their son. Oh, and Saturday was my younger son's fifth birthday. I do want to post photos to celebrate the day, but I'm also busy trying to empty out the hard-drive of tons and tons of photos (upwards of 72 GB, from 06 to now), leaving them only in the external drive. I do take too many pictures.
And the waiting continues -- yours for my photos, us for the house to sell. I have a feeling it is NOT going to sell after all and that we'll need to figure out something to keep on paying the mortgage. The saddest thing for me if that happens is having to probably give up on my dream to home-school (cyber-school, actually) the boys... :-( But we'll see.
The market is unspeakably bad right now. It really couldn't be worse. Which makes the timing of our tough situation so discouraging!
I don't want to keep complaining about this, though, I really don't, mostly because I'm feeling OK now about all this. Phew! It's a relief not to be in the depths of despair all the time anymore. In fact, I can't remember when I last felt hopeless despair (well, all I have to do is to check some blog posts from last month, I'm sure!). It's a welcome change, this feeling of peace and... numbness? Life has got to go on, right? That's why I have to go to bed now. Bye.
P.S. I can't believe June is already here. Time's flying. Mercifully.
I'm still busy, this time trying to send out a few job applications. Surprisingly there are several adjunct, part-time and even a couple of full time openings in area colleges! They're not exactly in my area, but I'll try.
The weekend was busy too, we went to a state park where a family of friends was camping and we all went canoeing and kayaking in the lake and then later ate delicious grilled veggies (and other goodies) at our friends' campsite. On Sunday the same friends had a birthday party for their son. Oh, and Saturday was my younger son's fifth birthday. I do want to post photos to celebrate the day, but I'm also busy trying to empty out the hard-drive of tons and tons of photos (upwards of 72 GB, from 06 to now), leaving them only in the external drive. I do take too many pictures.
And the waiting continues -- yours for my photos, us for the house to sell. I have a feeling it is NOT going to sell after all and that we'll need to figure out something to keep on paying the mortgage. The saddest thing for me if that happens is having to probably give up on my dream to home-school (cyber-school, actually) the boys... :-( But we'll see.
The market is unspeakably bad right now. It really couldn't be worse. Which makes the timing of our tough situation so discouraging!
I don't want to keep complaining about this, though, I really don't, mostly because I'm feeling OK now about all this. Phew! It's a relief not to be in the depths of despair all the time anymore. In fact, I can't remember when I last felt hopeless despair (well, all I have to do is to check some blog posts from last month, I'm sure!). It's a welcome change, this feeling of peace and... numbness? Life has got to go on, right? That's why I have to go to bed now. Bye.
P.S. I can't believe June is already here. Time's flying. Mercifully.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Anybody There?
So... I stayed up really late when I couldn't and shouldn't have (given the absurdly busy day that I had today) to blog, but I wonder if there's anyone out there reading.
Anyway, it doesn't really matter because I write primarily for me and I needed to do that last night. I've been doing too much for other people, as usual, that's why I don't feel one bit guilty about my blogging.
I will go to bed now, but I just wanted to say that the musical at the school was AWESOME and worth all the effort. I just wish my laptop cord hadn't died (it was already giving us trouble) leaving me with no access to my half-done power point presentation -- because our battery has died a long time ago too :-(. I had to start from scratch and the presentation wasn't fully finished during the program. Oh well... nothing can be perfect, can it?
Well, it looks like I'll be back soon -- I seem to be in a blogging mood ;-). (4 minute post!)
Anyway, it doesn't really matter because I write primarily for me and I needed to do that last night. I've been doing too much for other people, as usual, that's why I don't feel one bit guilty about my blogging.
I will go to bed now, but I just wanted to say that the musical at the school was AWESOME and worth all the effort. I just wish my laptop cord hadn't died (it was already giving us trouble) leaving me with no access to my half-done power point presentation -- because our battery has died a long time ago too :-(. I had to start from scratch and the presentation wasn't fully finished during the program. Oh well... nothing can be perfect, can it?
Well, it looks like I'll be back soon -- I seem to be in a blogging mood ;-). (4 minute post!)
Thursday, May 28, 2009
A Question of Identity (of Lack Thereof), oh, and dreams...
Apart from being a mother,* right now I feel fully devoid of any clear identity and that is pretty disconcerting, I think...
I felt compelled to write this after quickly browsing through my blogroll and reading entries from most of my favorite bloggers there. Lately I've been feeling some pangs of envy and disappointment when I read about the experiences of blogging friends who are in the tenure track path or even those who have steady jobs. I feel relived when I read the few who are still finishing up their degrees and enthusiastic about M, for example, who's basically done (congrats, my friend!).
For ten years I had a clear-cut identity: I was a graduate student, working on my degree. Half-way through that journey, my life took a permanent "detour" into motherhood and I think that this, as I have blogged repeatedly, almost insistently, about made me be even less interested in my "professional" self than in my personal self as is already natural to me. It was very comfortable (if hard -- you can read myrejected unpublished "essay"), however, to have this identity and I enjoyed it, after all, I had excellent reasons to have taken that long to finish the Ph.D.
My decision in favor of mothering and against flimsy and difficult connections to the academic world (trying to get adjunct or lecturing positions -- something very hard for me because of my area of specialization) has had some interesting consequences. On the one hand, I love even more being with my sons (more about this on subsquent posts), but on the other, I have this very diffuse, almost hidden feeling that it would be nice if I could be connected to academia once more, even if only as an "invisible" adjunct. Being in no-(wo)man's-land is no fun, I think, particularly because I did put a lot of effort into getting the (yes, really) useless Ph.D.
So here I am, not an actual elementary school teacher (I was just an "aide" PhD and all -- crazy, no?), not an academic, not really employed, not a really good housewife (because my crazy minded self absorbed navel gazing 'writer'/academic brain does not serve well in keeping house, etc... I've given up on myself), not...a.. thing. Except mother, of course.
[here comes the life "dream" part]
This doesn't bother most of the time. People have commented here things to the tune of that since I achieved my "dream" of getting the PhD I should be happy about it and try to put it to good use or some such thing, but I have to confess that getting the degree and becoming an academic has never really been any "dream" of mine. I've always LOVED to study and I did what I did passionately, but my motivation was never a clear cut and planned path to become an academic.
My dreams? Primarily, I dreamed of finding someone [check!]. I've always dreamed of having children [check!]. I dreamed of visiting Europe (have gone twice), seeing as much art as I possibly can (something to do in the excellent museums of this country which I've also visited multiple times)...
Dreams for the future? Travel even more, particularly with the boys (ah, Europe again!). Spend lots and lots of time with family (and, if possible, friends). Have more time to read and pursue my interests, to have "a room of my own" like my crafty counterparts. And... the dreams that I don't allow myself to dream (BTW, I really enjoyed your latest post, sis!) because of various still unblogged reasons: writing.
So, back to identity. I wish I could identify myself at least as a "writing mother," but as it is I am only a "blogging mother," which is similar, but not quite the same. Lately I've been feeling an almost imperceptible, if throbbing, need to try to go back to my academic interests. I know that I'm lazy and that I could/should have published several articles already, but it's hard to keep it up when one is not in an academic environment. Hopefully my knowledge won't go away in just some months, or even years... and I hope I can use it in the future. It's not my dream, it's not even my identity, but it's a hope.
In the end, being in an "identity-less" situation is not really a problem... I just wish I had more energy and passion and not so much disillusionment with academia so I could take up academic pursuits wholeheartedly. As it is, though, I am much too "poisoned" against it not to have qualms and insecurities. Everyone has those, don't they? And living in this in-between situation doesn't help either...
You know, I really needed to sleep because tomorrow is a BIG day, but I needed to blog too. I owed it to myself, right? [sigh, and this post took an hour to write, not only the 18 mins of the previous one, sigh some more]
* And I cannot emphasize enough how much I ADORE being a mother. I still insanely fantasize about having another baby (last week I dreamed one night that I had gotten accidentally pregnant and I felt so utterly relieved! "YES!" I thought in the dream, "I can finally do what I
I felt compelled to write this after quickly browsing through my blogroll and reading entries from most of my favorite bloggers there. Lately I've been feeling some pangs of envy and disappointment when I read about the experiences of blogging friends who are in the tenure track path or even those who have steady jobs. I feel relived when I read the few who are still finishing up their degrees and enthusiastic about M, for example, who's basically done (congrats, my friend!).
For ten years I had a clear-cut identity: I was a graduate student, working on my degree. Half-way through that journey, my life took a permanent "detour" into motherhood and I think that this, as I have blogged repeatedly, almost insistently, about made me be even less interested in my "professional" self than in my personal self as is already natural to me. It was very comfortable (if hard -- you can read my
My decision in favor of mothering and against flimsy and difficult connections to the academic world (trying to get adjunct or lecturing positions -- something very hard for me because of my area of specialization) has had some interesting consequences. On the one hand, I love even more being with my sons (more about this on subsquent posts), but on the other, I have this very diffuse, almost hidden feeling that it would be nice if I could be connected to academia once more, even if only as an "invisible" adjunct. Being in no-(wo)man's-land is no fun, I think, particularly because I did put a lot of effort into getting the (yes, really) useless Ph.D.
So here I am, not an actual elementary school teacher (I was just an "aide" PhD and all -- crazy, no?), not an academic, not really employed, not a really good housewife (because my crazy minded self absorbed navel gazing 'writer'/academic brain does not serve well in keeping house, etc... I've given up on myself), not...a.. thing. Except mother, of course.
[here comes the life "dream" part]
This doesn't bother most of the time. People have commented here things to the tune of that since I achieved my "dream" of getting the PhD I should be happy about it and try to put it to good use or some such thing, but I have to confess that getting the degree and becoming an academic has never really been any "dream" of mine. I've always LOVED to study and I did what I did passionately, but my motivation was never a clear cut and planned path to become an academic.
My dreams? Primarily, I dreamed of finding someone [check!]. I've always dreamed of having children [check!]. I dreamed of visiting Europe (have gone twice), seeing as much art as I possibly can (something to do in the excellent museums of this country which I've also visited multiple times)...
Dreams for the future? Travel even more, particularly with the boys (ah, Europe again!). Spend lots and lots of time with family (and, if possible, friends). Have more time to read and pursue my interests, to have "a room of my own" like my crafty counterparts. And... the dreams that I don't allow myself to dream (BTW, I really enjoyed your latest post, sis!) because of various still unblogged reasons: writing.
So, back to identity. I wish I could identify myself at least as a "writing mother," but as it is I am only a "blogging mother," which is similar, but not quite the same. Lately I've been feeling an almost imperceptible, if throbbing, need to try to go back to my academic interests. I know that I'm lazy and that I could/should have published several articles already, but it's hard to keep it up when one is not in an academic environment. Hopefully my knowledge won't go away in just some months, or even years... and I hope I can use it in the future. It's not my dream, it's not even my identity, but it's a hope.
In the end, being in an "identity-less" situation is not really a problem... I just wish I had more energy and passion and not so much disillusionment with academia so I could take up academic pursuits wholeheartedly. As it is, though, I am much too "poisoned" against it not to have qualms and insecurities. Everyone has those, don't they? And living in this in-between situation doesn't help either...
You know, I really needed to sleep because tomorrow is a BIG day, but I needed to blog too. I owed it to myself, right? [sigh, and this post took an hour to write, not only the 18 mins of the previous one, sigh some more]
* And I cannot emphasize enough how much I ADORE being a mother. I still insanely fantasize about having another baby (last week I dreamed one night that I had gotten accidentally pregnant and I felt so utterly relieved! "YES!" I thought in the dream, "I can finally do what I
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
I Owe You (And Myself)...
... more posts, more photos, more everything. But I haven't been able to find the time and, sometimes, the energy. I still constantly "blog" in my head and I feel sad that none of these posts come to light. It's even worse with the several posts that I've actually drafted in my journal over the past year. It would just be a matter of typing them up and "publishing" them in the blog, but some of them are about very sensitive subjects (my frustrations with writing, for example) or interesting but perhaps... I don't know... difficult subjects -- such as my feelings about being an expatriate and now an immigrant in the U.S.
Worse yet is the desire to post photos and keep up the photo-blog, but I keep myself from even beginning because I know it's time consuming because I love photos way too much.
And writing about the boys? I hardly ever do it here anyway, in spite of my "status" as a "mommy blogger" (I prefer blogging mama) and then the things they say, the way they are gets lost in the fast-paced living, and forgotten... very sad.
The situation hasn't changed one bit and I haven't yet started acting on it (looking for jobs), but our attitudes about it are slowly shifting. We're just going with the flow... We've just had some CRAZY days and now we have to slow down a bit. And talk more about everything (time for talking has become scarce with all the guests we've had, etc.).
OK, quick "weekend update" to end the post:
K's friend D (that beautiful girl's father[end of post]) arrived on Friday evening, on Saturday K drove with him to Washington D.C. and I stayed alone with the boys (this being alone with them is a highly bloggable subject ;-) and we went here. My sister-in-law arrived with her two boys around 8 pm and two hours later my mother- and father-in-law got home as well. I had to prepare for Linton's birthday party the next day but I stayed up late talking to my SIL and MIL, we only get together a few times a year. Sunday was crazy, but the party went really well (BTW I owe you photos from Linton's birthday party last year, then Kelvin's and Linton's this year, see?) -- K and D returned in the late morning on time for the party (which was a lunch).
On Monday K, D and the boys drove to NYC together while I did many things -- including finally picking up my cat in Northeast Philly!! -- and shopping for many hours for things to send to D's wife. K hardly had time to talk to his parents and they did it over breakfast yesterday morning (OH! It was K's birthday yesterday BTW, I should really have blogged about it!). So, there you go...
And tomorrow is the school musical and it's going to be GREAT, I'm sure! I'll keep you posted. Long hours of work ahead, though. Preparing power point presentations, decorating the set, typing and printing out the programs, etc...
The best of all is that I was able to take these last 18 minutes to write a blog post! I guess I owe "us" a bit less then, right?
Worse yet is the desire to post photos and keep up the photo-blog, but I keep myself from even beginning because I know it's time consuming because I love photos way too much.
And writing about the boys? I hardly ever do it here anyway, in spite of my "status" as a "mommy blogger" (I prefer blogging mama) and then the things they say, the way they are gets lost in the fast-paced living, and forgotten... very sad.
The situation hasn't changed one bit and I haven't yet started acting on it (looking for jobs), but our attitudes about it are slowly shifting. We're just going with the flow... We've just had some CRAZY days and now we have to slow down a bit. And talk more about everything (time for talking has become scarce with all the guests we've had, etc.).
OK, quick "weekend update" to end the post:
K's friend D (that beautiful girl's father[end of post]) arrived on Friday evening, on Saturday K drove with him to Washington D.C. and I stayed alone with the boys (this being alone with them is a highly bloggable subject ;-) and we went here. My sister-in-law arrived with her two boys around 8 pm and two hours later my mother- and father-in-law got home as well. I had to prepare for Linton's birthday party the next day but I stayed up late talking to my SIL and MIL, we only get together a few times a year. Sunday was crazy, but the party went really well (BTW I owe you photos from Linton's birthday party last year, then Kelvin's and Linton's this year, see?) -- K and D returned in the late morning on time for the party (which was a lunch).
On Monday K, D and the boys drove to NYC together while I did many things -- including finally picking up my cat in Northeast Philly!! -- and shopping for many hours for things to send to D's wife. K hardly had time to talk to his parents and they did it over breakfast yesterday morning (OH! It was K's birthday yesterday BTW, I should really have blogged about it!). So, there you go...
And tomorrow is the school musical and it's going to be GREAT, I'm sure! I'll keep you posted. Long hours of work ahead, though. Preparing power point presentations, decorating the set, typing and printing out the programs, etc...
The best of all is that I was able to take these last 18 minutes to write a blog post! I guess I owe "us" a bit less then, right?
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Tired of Waiting...
... for an offer on the house that never comes and perhaps never will.
... for the bank to finally do its part and analyze our case for loan renegotiation/reduction (who knows if they ever will either).
... for myself to stop dragging my feet and sending out some job applications (yet, I am yet to work on those -- I still want to stay home with my boys).
... to go back to normal life, and not have to keep the house perfectly stage at all times.
... to get my cat back (we didn't go pick him up yet in part because it requires driving to Northeast Philly, we should take care of that this weekend).
... and for many other unrelated things...
Yesterday we used the dishwasher for the first time in nearly two months. We definitely needed it because we had guests for dinner (friends from Massachusetts and their gorgeous baby boy) and my brother-in-law and his family arrived to spend the night and ate before going to bed. Up to now we had been washing the dishes whenever we used them and putting them to dry in the dishwasher so we could have a spotless kitchen at all times.... Blah, that was getting old! Tonight we began to load it again after putting the dishes away. That feels like a good step in the direction of some normalcy.
I'm not really feeling depressed anymore, I just feel kind of numb. I can't even pray, you know, because I don't know what to pray for! For a miracle new source of income to appear and enable us to keep the house? For a good offer and buyer to this house that we're really sad to leave? You know, I have to convince myself that this situation is actually the "new normal" in our lives, but it's hard. Really, I'm fine, but I have to confess that I never imagined, not in a million years, that we'd ever go through something like that. It's the hardest thing that's ever happened to us, at least to me. We're still a loving, happy and blessed family, but I think it's sad to simply have to lose the house and all the investment we made in our 8 years of home ownership. And the uncertainty of it all takes a toll on us too.
And weirdly enough, it feels worse because the original cause our personal crisis is NOT related to the world's economic crisis. K was laid off back on "Black Wednesday 07" as part of: 1) internal politics and 2) the after-effect of an academic study's result that ruined the profitability a major medication of the particular big pharma he worked for [I know, super long sentence, sorry about that]. Then, he was re-hired, and he voluntarily quit to go back to academia.
Buying this particular house was our only major mistake -- one I naively imagined would not become this problem it is now.* And, of course, it's at this point, -- and only here -- that our trajectory and the economic and mortgage/real state crises collide head on.
* See this post about the economic crisis. It's not a bad post, but what I said at the end of the first paragraph is just coming back to bite me in the head. I can't even cite it here, or read it, for that matter, because I feel so foolish and downright stupid!! Feel free to check if you want.
All right, enough whining for now. I will try to balance it out with more cute photos soon, OK? Thanks for listening.
... for the bank to finally do its part and analyze our case for loan renegotiation/reduction (who knows if they ever will either).
... for myself to stop dragging my feet and sending out some job applications (yet, I am yet to work on those -- I still want to stay home with my boys).
... to go back to normal life, and not have to keep the house perfectly stage at all times.
... to get my cat back (we didn't go pick him up yet in part because it requires driving to Northeast Philly, we should take care of that this weekend).
... and for many other unrelated things...
Yesterday we used the dishwasher for the first time in nearly two months. We definitely needed it because we had guests for dinner (friends from Massachusetts and their gorgeous baby boy) and my brother-in-law and his family arrived to spend the night and ate before going to bed. Up to now we had been washing the dishes whenever we used them and putting them to dry in the dishwasher so we could have a spotless kitchen at all times.... Blah, that was getting old! Tonight we began to load it again after putting the dishes away. That feels like a good step in the direction of some normalcy.
I'm not really feeling depressed anymore, I just feel kind of numb. I can't even pray, you know, because I don't know what to pray for! For a miracle new source of income to appear and enable us to keep the house? For a good offer and buyer to this house that we're really sad to leave? You know, I have to convince myself that this situation is actually the "new normal" in our lives, but it's hard. Really, I'm fine, but I have to confess that I never imagined, not in a million years, that we'd ever go through something like that. It's the hardest thing that's ever happened to us, at least to me. We're still a loving, happy and blessed family, but I think it's sad to simply have to lose the house and all the investment we made in our 8 years of home ownership. And the uncertainty of it all takes a toll on us too.
And weirdly enough, it feels worse because the original cause our personal crisis is NOT related to the world's economic crisis. K was laid off back on "Black Wednesday 07" as part of: 1) internal politics and 2) the after-effect of an academic study's result that ruined the profitability a major medication of the particular big pharma he worked for [I know, super long sentence, sorry about that]. Then, he was re-hired, and he voluntarily quit to go back to academia.
Buying this particular house was our only major mistake -- one I naively imagined would not become this problem it is now.* And, of course, it's at this point, -- and only here -- that our trajectory and the economic and mortgage/real state crises collide head on.
* See this post about the economic crisis. It's not a bad post, but what I said at the end of the first paragraph is just coming back to bite me in the head. I can't even cite it here, or read it, for that matter, because I feel so foolish and downright stupid!! Feel free to check if you want.
All right, enough whining for now. I will try to balance it out with more cute photos soon, OK? Thanks for listening.
Monday, May 18, 2009
One More Visit (sigh)
So, we're soon leaving for one more visit and I have to say that I'm getting really really tired of having to leave the house immaculate all the time. And some of the visits are also at importune times, such as Sunday morning at 10 or Monday evening at 7:30.
To top it of, today I'm babysitting overnight for my friend and I have another 7 year old and a 9 y.o. (both boys) in addition to my two. Thankfully we're going to have dinner at another friends' house (potluck style) and I'll have the boys take their showers there before we come back home and they (hopefully) collapse in bed.
So, yeah... boring entry, but I wanted to post again, even if briefly.
Oh, on a funny note, today I finally cleaned up a tiny, but unsightly "booger smear" (ah!! boys...) behind the big couch in the living room. It was one of the little things that had never been taken care off since we put the house for sale and we were actually joking the other day that we hadn't sold the house because of that. What if it works? Keep your fingers crossed! ;-P
OK, and for some "good juju" as my friend Chicagomama used to say, here's a photo for ya:
This is our friends' daughter, who was visiting from Brazil with her mama last week.
To top it of, today I'm babysitting overnight for my friend and I have another 7 year old and a 9 y.o. (both boys) in addition to my two. Thankfully we're going to have dinner at another friends' house (potluck style) and I'll have the boys take their showers there before we come back home and they (hopefully) collapse in bed.
So, yeah... boring entry, but I wanted to post again, even if briefly.
Oh, on a funny note, today I finally cleaned up a tiny, but unsightly "booger smear" (ah!! boys...) behind the big couch in the living room. It was one of the little things that had never been taken care off since we put the house for sale and we were actually joking the other day that we hadn't sold the house because of that. What if it works? Keep your fingers crossed! ;-P
OK, and for some "good juju" as my friend Chicagomama used to say, here's a photo for ya:
This is our friends' daughter, who was visiting from Brazil with her mama last week.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Shorts (Update)
- I've been really tired and sleepy lately, so I haven't been able to devote any late nights to blogging.
- On Tuesday K decided to lower the price of the house by 15K. I was pretty upset about it, but hopefully it'll help to sell.
- We had three visits this week and apparently the people who saw the house on Tuesday are planning to put an offer. The closing date would be July 15. Please pray/ keep your fingers crossed for us, since the last two times it didn't happen. I don't want to have false hopes again... :-(
- School will be over in two weeks. We're doing a full musical which I adapted and wrote 6 more parts for, so all children would have a speaking part. It should be a great success, but also lots of work, obviously.
- I really really really want to go to Brazil with the boys late this summer, but it will depend (like everything else in our lives) on whether we sell the house, etc. (if I went I would finally be able to see my youngest nephew!).
- I'm sure there'd be tons more to share, but I have to go to bed now. (it's actually 1:27 am)
- On Tuesday K decided to lower the price of the house by 15K. I was pretty upset about it, but hopefully it'll help to sell.
- We had three visits this week and apparently the people who saw the house on Tuesday are planning to put an offer. The closing date would be July 15. Please pray/ keep your fingers crossed for us, since the last two times it didn't happen. I don't want to have false hopes again... :-(
- School will be over in two weeks. We're doing a full musical which I adapted and wrote 6 more parts for, so all children would have a speaking part. It should be a great success, but also lots of work, obviously.
- I really really really want to go to Brazil with the boys late this summer, but it will depend (like everything else in our lives) on whether we sell the house, etc. (if I went I would finally be able to see my youngest nephew!).
- I'm sure there'd be tons more to share, but I have to go to bed now. (it's actually 1:27 am)
Sunday, May 10, 2009
The Happiest Mother on Earth
Really, I couldn't be happier than I am to be a mother (which was always my greatest dream in life) and I hope all mothers today may feel like I do -- the happiest, most blessed mother on earth!
Taken one week ago at the seat of power of this country (some might say the world) by my friend Sandra, who is going back to Brazil with her most beautiful daughter (photos forthcoming) tonight. We're driving them back to New York (JFK) later. It was a nice week!
Taken one week ago at the seat of power of this country (some might say the world) by my friend Sandra, who is going back to Brazil with her most beautiful daughter (photos forthcoming) tonight. We're driving them back to New York (JFK) later. It was a nice week!
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
Time is Running Out
So... I continue to be busy with my friend and her shopping excursions (on top of work until today), but hopefully tomorrow and/or Friday we can do some sight seeing.
The distractions aren't helping much anymore, though, because time is definitely running out. If we don't sell this house soon things will be looking really grim for us in the near and perhaps even distant future. School will be out on May 28 and then my paltry contribution to our household income will end (not that it helps much, even with it we cannot afford the mortgage and other living expenses anyway).
I can get the boys, try to book some award travel tickets and "flee" temporarily to Brazil, but that won't solve the problem, we'd just be saving a few dollars. As for work for me, what would I do with the boys? My parents are as strapped for cash as we are right now, so it'd be hard for them to come to help, but they'd certainly try. Well... that is, if I find something, anything.
I just wish I could plan the next few months, I just wanted to be able to feel "normal" again. Money is a curse, that's why I will never ever think it fair that some have so much and some so little. K told me that Michael Moore's next film is about capitalism, yeah... it will be very depressing.
It looks like we're going to have a miserable summer.
The distractions aren't helping much anymore, though, because time is definitely running out. If we don't sell this house soon things will be looking really grim for us in the near and perhaps even distant future. School will be out on May 28 and then my paltry contribution to our household income will end (not that it helps much, even with it we cannot afford the mortgage and other living expenses anyway).
I can get the boys, try to book some award travel tickets and "flee" temporarily to Brazil, but that won't solve the problem, we'd just be saving a few dollars. As for work for me, what would I do with the boys? My parents are as strapped for cash as we are right now, so it'd be hard for them to come to help, but they'd certainly try. Well... that is, if I find something, anything.
I just wish I could plan the next few months, I just wanted to be able to feel "normal" again. Money is a curse, that's why I will never ever think it fair that some have so much and some so little. K told me that Michael Moore's next film is about capitalism, yeah... it will be very depressing.
It looks like we're going to have a miserable summer.
Monday, May 04, 2009
Too Busy Living to Be Depressed...
... But in the few moments in between all the busyness it all comes back in full force. It's all there in the background, all the time, unbearably so.
Anyway... crazy-lovely weekend.
Friday: leaving at 6:30 am to drive to JFK airport in NY to pick up friend and her 11 month old daughter (thankfully K drove!). After dropping K off at NYU for a meeting, driving for 3h around Manhattan to show our friend around and being driven away to NJ and back on the road by the rain, chilly winds and lack of parking by Central Park (we wanted the East side -- impossible on 5th Ave., only the West side has parking on weekdays). We spent the afternoon at Elizabeth's IKEA (only 3 1/2% taxes!) and drove home. Arrived at 7:30 pm, left around 9 to drive to Maryland.
Saturday: Peaceful day at my brother-in-law's house (he was away taking classes towards his doctorate)...
Sunday: Rain continues, oil change for poor abused car needed, so we drove to D.C. only at 5 pm so our friend could take photos of the main points. Lovely photos taken -- hopefully coming soon to a 365 project near you (actually, near this blog ;-). Got back home around midnight.
So... no time to mope.
Nothing yet. Two showings last Saturday. Still raining, lawn needs mowing. It's tiring to keep the house in perfect conditions. We just hope it pays off, like it did to American Family!! Good for them!
Anyway... crazy-lovely weekend.
Friday: leaving at 6:30 am to drive to JFK airport in NY to pick up friend and her 11 month old daughter (thankfully K drove!). After dropping K off at NYU for a meeting, driving for 3h around Manhattan to show our friend around and being driven away to NJ and back on the road by the rain, chilly winds and lack of parking by Central Park (we wanted the East side -- impossible on 5th Ave., only the West side has parking on weekdays). We spent the afternoon at Elizabeth's IKEA (only 3 1/2% taxes!) and drove home. Arrived at 7:30 pm, left around 9 to drive to Maryland.
Saturday: Peaceful day at my brother-in-law's house (he was away taking classes towards his doctorate)...
Sunday: Rain continues, oil change for poor abused car needed, so we drove to D.C. only at 5 pm so our friend could take photos of the main points. Lovely photos taken -- hopefully coming soon to a 365 project near you (actually, near this blog ;-). Got back home around midnight.
So... no time to mope.
Nothing yet. Two showings last Saturday. Still raining, lawn needs mowing. It's tiring to keep the house in perfect conditions. We just hope it pays off, like it did to American Family!! Good for them!
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Crab Apple Flowers - Update to the 365 Blog
The first update since January 20!
It begins like this:
"Mommy! Mommy! You've got to come outside!" said my son excitedly last Sunday.
Go there to read the rest and see the photo, if you want. :-)
(It looks like I'm finally making good on my "fluff" promises, right? ;-)
It begins like this:
"Mommy! Mommy! You've got to come outside!" said my son excitedly last Sunday.
Go there to read the rest and see the photo, if you want. :-)
(It looks like I'm finally making good on my "fluff" promises, right? ;-)
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Quick Update on Visit to Surgeon
I just remembered that I never told you what happened last Thursday when I went to the doctor (the surgeon specialist), so here it goes.
He saw me for all of 3 minutes (standard here even if outrageous for a foreigner like myself) and said that he thinks that it's nothing and that the lumps don't need to be removed. He wants me to do another ultrasound of the underarm one in four months just to see if it has changed and he recommends that I make an appointment with an ENT (Ear, Nose and Throat) specialist regarding the lump in front of my ear. I was relieved.
(In his defense, the doctor was extra nice to my son -- I took him with me, didn't think that this quick visit warranted the trouble of finding a friend to stay with him) -- asking him about the Thomas train he was holding and talking to him. Linton enjoyed that so much that he later asked me what the name of the doctor was and he wrote it on a piece of paper, he's slowly learning to write the letters, but he generally only writes his name.)
The only annoying thing about all these doctor visits and tests is the copays that keep on adding up... good thing that at least I have health insurance (although it costs over 300 a month and we clearly cannot afford it right now).
So, I still have to schedule the ENT appointment... I'll keep you posted as usual.
He saw me for all of 3 minutes (standard here even if outrageous for a foreigner like myself) and said that he thinks that it's nothing and that the lumps don't need to be removed. He wants me to do another ultrasound of the underarm one in four months just to see if it has changed and he recommends that I make an appointment with an ENT (Ear, Nose and Throat) specialist regarding the lump in front of my ear. I was relieved.
(In his defense, the doctor was extra nice to my son -- I took him with me, didn't think that this quick visit warranted the trouble of finding a friend to stay with him) -- asking him about the Thomas train he was holding and talking to him. Linton enjoyed that so much that he later asked me what the name of the doctor was and he wrote it on a piece of paper, he's slowly learning to write the letters, but he generally only writes his name.)
The only annoying thing about all these doctor visits and tests is the copays that keep on adding up... good thing that at least I have health insurance (although it costs over 300 a month and we clearly cannot afford it right now).
So, I still have to schedule the ENT appointment... I'll keep you posted as usual.
The Chinese Family
So, last Friday there was a showing scheduled for 11:30 am and I had planned accordingly to get the house ready and leave by 11 am. Around 10:30 a car parked in front of the house and I began to get anxious wondering why they'd come so early. Upon more careful examination I realized it was an Asian woman, one of the realtors who had already been to the house before (they leave their cards, if you're not familiar with the whole house selling process).
I called K to check whether the scheduled time was really 11:30 or earlier and got more and more upset, because this is definitely a breach of real estate transactions' "etiquette" -- owners and sellers generally don't get (and don't want to) see each other. By then I was running around and trying to get the last things done (washing the dishes and putting them away, making sure the counters were clean, brushing the toilets one last time, etc) and I didn't even have time (and disposition, given my nervousness) to eat (I hadn't had breakfast) -- I even stuck my plate of cereal (with no milk) in the fridge before leaving -- that made for an extra refreshing cereal with strawberry pieces later ;-).
It was almost 11 when I walked down the driveway to pick up the recycling bin and the trash and by then the realtor had left her car. I told her that I thought it was scheduled for 11:30 and I guess she said something about 11. Then she started asking a lot of questions (with our list of disclosures in her hand) and I answered. The prospective buyer then came -- a Chinese woman also -- and started talking to me and and then I realized that it would be a good thing to talk to them because they were from a completely different culture and not inserted into the "American way" of real estate practices.
I don't really know the Chinese very well and please forgive me if I'm just doing a gross and rude generalization here. Based on my brother and sister-in-law's stories from their two years in China I gather that the Chinese (at least those that they interacted with in the smaller city where they lived that had very few westerners -- less than 20, perhaps) are a bit "nosy" and like to know about other people's affairs (particularly if they are foreigners -- my SIL didn't like it that they would always be looking into her bags to see what she had purchased at the hotel where they were staying). That might explain their curiosity and willingness to approach me, something that would probably be a breach of the unspoken "codes of behavior" for buyers and sellers here. And then, of course, there was the confusion of time which might (or might not) be related to cultural differences ;-).
In any case I enjoyed talking to them, answering their questions as honestly as possible but still trying to sound enthusiastic about the house. The lady was concerned by the lack of air conditioning in the main floor (there are window units in the bedrooms) because she likes to cook a lot. They have a two year old girl (who was sleeping in the car and then woke up) and a 9 year old boy. When the husband arrived, I drove away.
I talked to my SIL on the phone soon after (not the one who lived in China, the one of party decoration fame who lives in Maryland) and told her that I was hoping that the Chinese family would buy the house. She reminded me that I should want them to buy it house only if they made a decent offer (another stereotype is that they are a bit thrifty, I hear) -- well, that's true, but still, I was thinking that it would be interesting to have another immigrant family live here...
from the Brazilians to the Chinese.
I'll let you know if they make an offer (or if anyone does, for that matter). I'm reaching that stage in which in spite of my sadness in "losing" this house, I want it to just be sold already. So maybe all this waiting may turn to be a good thing after all. I'm also beginning to fret and wonder what is wrong with the house and whether we need to redo the two other bathrooms before it can be sold. That is something that would take money that we just don't have, obviously!
I think I'm going to start applying for jobs again. Seriously. OK, that's it for now, I just wanted to share this little story...
I called K to check whether the scheduled time was really 11:30 or earlier and got more and more upset, because this is definitely a breach of real estate transactions' "etiquette" -- owners and sellers generally don't get (and don't want to) see each other. By then I was running around and trying to get the last things done (washing the dishes and putting them away, making sure the counters were clean, brushing the toilets one last time, etc) and I didn't even have time (and disposition, given my nervousness) to eat (I hadn't had breakfast) -- I even stuck my plate of cereal (with no milk) in the fridge before leaving -- that made for an extra refreshing cereal with strawberry pieces later ;-).
It was almost 11 when I walked down the driveway to pick up the recycling bin and the trash and by then the realtor had left her car. I told her that I thought it was scheduled for 11:30 and I guess she said something about 11. Then she started asking a lot of questions (with our list of disclosures in her hand) and I answered. The prospective buyer then came -- a Chinese woman also -- and started talking to me and and then I realized that it would be a good thing to talk to them because they were from a completely different culture and not inserted into the "American way" of real estate practices.
I don't really know the Chinese very well and please forgive me if I'm just doing a gross and rude generalization here. Based on my brother and sister-in-law's stories from their two years in China I gather that the Chinese (at least those that they interacted with in the smaller city where they lived that had very few westerners -- less than 20, perhaps) are a bit "nosy" and like to know about other people's affairs (particularly if they are foreigners -- my SIL didn't like it that they would always be looking into her bags to see what she had purchased at the hotel where they were staying). That might explain their curiosity and willingness to approach me, something that would probably be a breach of the unspoken "codes of behavior" for buyers and sellers here. And then, of course, there was the confusion of time which might (or might not) be related to cultural differences ;-).
In any case I enjoyed talking to them, answering their questions as honestly as possible but still trying to sound enthusiastic about the house. The lady was concerned by the lack of air conditioning in the main floor (there are window units in the bedrooms) because she likes to cook a lot. They have a two year old girl (who was sleeping in the car and then woke up) and a 9 year old boy. When the husband arrived, I drove away.
I talked to my SIL on the phone soon after (not the one who lived in China, the one of party decoration fame who lives in Maryland) and told her that I was hoping that the Chinese family would buy the house. She reminded me that I should want them to buy it house only if they made a decent offer (another stereotype is that they are a bit thrifty, I hear) -- well, that's true, but still, I was thinking that it would be interesting to have another immigrant family live here...
from the Brazilians to the Chinese.
I'll let you know if they make an offer (or if anyone does, for that matter). I'm reaching that stage in which in spite of my sadness in "losing" this house, I want it to just be sold already. So maybe all this waiting may turn to be a good thing after all. I'm also beginning to fret and wonder what is wrong with the house and whether we need to redo the two other bathrooms before it can be sold. That is something that would take money that we just don't have, obviously!
I think I'm going to start applying for jobs again. Seriously. OK, that's it for now, I just wanted to share this little story...
Monday, April 27, 2009
So Many Showings, But Nothing Yet
I miss my cat. I saw him yesterday when we went to a birthday party at the friend's house where he's staying for now. It's hard to be just waiting for things to happen and to remain calm.
This coming Thursday will mark four weeks on the market for this house and although there have been many showings and some people who came to see it a second time, nobody made an offer yet. There was even one family who said that they were going to put an offer, but we don't know what happened... in any case, we're still waiting.
I'll write about what happened last Friday in another post, OK? Keep praying for us/ sending us positive energy, OK?
P.S. I really want to start posting photos, and I keep promising that too, right? And in the end I never do. I'll tell you one of the main reasons: it's faster to upload photos if I save smaller copies of them (they're all 5 mega pixels or above), but that's a big hassle, so... no updating to the nearly defunct photo blog and no photos here. :-(
This coming Thursday will mark four weeks on the market for this house and although there have been many showings and some people who came to see it a second time, nobody made an offer yet. There was even one family who said that they were going to put an offer, but we don't know what happened... in any case, we're still waiting.
I'll write about what happened last Friday in another post, OK? Keep praying for us/ sending us positive energy, OK?
P.S. I really want to start posting photos, and I keep promising that too, right? And in the end I never do. I'll tell you one of the main reasons: it's faster to upload photos if I save smaller copies of them (they're all 5 mega pixels or above), but that's a big hassle, so... no updating to the nearly defunct photo blog and no photos here. :-(
Relief - Feeling WAY Better!
I don't have time to post right now, it's very late and I need to go to bed, but I just wanted to know that we're feeling much better. I think that we finally decided what we're going to do next year and we feel at peace with selling the house. K was feeling out of sorts and discouraged, but after receiving a phone call from a close friend last night and realizing that we were just "going with the flow" and not taking charge of certain areas of our lives, he decided that we need to find a new meaning and purpose and look forward to the future.
What a relief!
So now, hopefully, I'll have the time and energy to post some "fluff" to the blog! ;-)
What a relief!
So now, hopefully, I'll have the time and energy to post some "fluff" to the blog! ;-)
Saturday, April 25, 2009
All I Want...
... is to be able look back at this time someday and know it all worked out for the best in the end.
Not in the near future, because that's unlikely, but when we're more settled down. Yeah, it's painful not to have settled down and begun life only two years short of 40 years old. No retirement plans or savings, no savings whatsoever for the kids' colleges. No future down payment for the next house. Harsh reality. In spite of all that, there's hope.
Thanks already, my friends. Your words are helpful. Right now we can't really be cheered up, it's not possible, but we feel more than reassured that we're doing the best we can, given the circumstances. And we know it'll be all right.
We just spent over an hour talking, K and I... it's painful to go over all the details, all of our lives, the past, and the uncertain future, but we're confident we'll be ok, it's just hard to think optimistically. Thanks again.
Not in the near future, because that's unlikely, but when we're more settled down. Yeah, it's painful not to have settled down and begun life only two years short of 40 years old. No retirement plans or savings, no savings whatsoever for the kids' colleges. No future down payment for the next house. Harsh reality. In spite of all that, there's hope.
Thanks already, my friends. Your words are helpful. Right now we can't really be cheered up, it's not possible, but we feel more than reassured that we're doing the best we can, given the circumstances. And we know it'll be all right.
We just spent over an hour talking, K and I... it's painful to go over all the details, all of our lives, the past, and the uncertain future, but we're confident we'll be ok, it's just hard to think optimistically. Thanks again.
Friday, April 24, 2009
I'm in Desperate Need of Some Cheering Up -- which I think is impossible right now
Seriously. I don't think it's possible to cheer me up, I don't even dare ask you to try. I can't even begin... there are so many things I've tried to blog about and not been able to because I just can't overcome the emotions and get done with the writing.
Right now what hurts the most is a simple, straightforward truth that I will never ever be able to shake up from my mind. The fact that all that ever stood between us keeping this house and NOT was me getting a job and the painful truth that (for many reasons) I NEVER went after such job. I didn't really send applications, I didn't try (especially in the past few weeks after the house went on the market and it was "too late" anyway in my reasoning). Obviously I suck big time and I know it, I talk about this all the time, how useless I am in this respect (and please, I KNOW I'm not entirely useless, that I have two sons to care for which I do well, that I'm already working part time at the school, yada, yada, yada, but I REALLY don't send out the applications that I should be sending and THAT is entirely my fault, please, I beg you not to tell me it's not).
Anyway... In days like today I'm just crying pretty much the time (like in the car driving around with the kids, trying to cook in the kitchen, listening to music, looking at the flowers, etc), I can't even bear to look out the window to the sun setting and my sons riding their bikes on the street with their dad. They've been doing that a lot lately, especially my youngest (he spent ALL DAY last Friday riding up and down the driveway, so much that he got a little sunburned), and it just about breaks my heart into a million pieces when I think about them not having that anymore. The space to play outside, the looong driveway, the calm street. It seems that the closer we get to actually selling the house the more they get excited about playing outside (something that my oldest is not too keen of most days).
There are some VERY good reasons to move -- apart from the obvious money thing, it's just too long of a commute for K to be able to spend some decent amount of time with the boys on a daily basis. BUT, ultimately we're doing it because I DIDN'T DELIVER, I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING. I basically purposefully didn't get the job at the online university because I truly hated it. Why couldn't I just have sucked it up instead of simply sucking? The house will sell, things will get better, but forgiving myself for this will be impossible, I think. K also has to forgive himself for his own decisions (I promise I will try to get to that post, but it's the one that just makes me too emotional), but I personally think that his decision was right (and he's aware of that, that's why he can ultimately be at peace) and he's pretty happy with work right now, which is great.
But I, I should be doing something and I'm not.
OK, I've got guests... I gotta go.
Right now what hurts the most is a simple, straightforward truth that I will never ever be able to shake up from my mind. The fact that all that ever stood between us keeping this house and NOT was me getting a job and the painful truth that (for many reasons) I NEVER went after such job. I didn't really send applications, I didn't try (especially in the past few weeks after the house went on the market and it was "too late" anyway in my reasoning). Obviously I suck big time and I know it, I talk about this all the time, how useless I am in this respect (and please, I KNOW I'm not entirely useless, that I have two sons to care for which I do well, that I'm already working part time at the school, yada, yada, yada, but I REALLY don't send out the applications that I should be sending and THAT is entirely my fault, please, I beg you not to tell me it's not).
Anyway... In days like today I'm just crying pretty much the time (like in the car driving around with the kids, trying to cook in the kitchen, listening to music, looking at the flowers, etc), I can't even bear to look out the window to the sun setting and my sons riding their bikes on the street with their dad. They've been doing that a lot lately, especially my youngest (he spent ALL DAY last Friday riding up and down the driveway, so much that he got a little sunburned), and it just about breaks my heart into a million pieces when I think about them not having that anymore. The space to play outside, the looong driveway, the calm street. It seems that the closer we get to actually selling the house the more they get excited about playing outside (something that my oldest is not too keen of most days).
There are some VERY good reasons to move -- apart from the obvious money thing, it's just too long of a commute for K to be able to spend some decent amount of time with the boys on a daily basis. BUT, ultimately we're doing it because I DIDN'T DELIVER, I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING. I basically purposefully didn't get the job at the online university because I truly hated it. Why couldn't I just have sucked it up instead of simply sucking? The house will sell, things will get better, but forgiving myself for this will be impossible, I think. K also has to forgive himself for his own decisions (I promise I will try to get to that post, but it's the one that just makes me too emotional), but I personally think that his decision was right (and he's aware of that, that's why he can ultimately be at peace) and he's pretty happy with work right now, which is great.
But I, I should be doing something and I'm not.
OK, I've got guests... I gotta go.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Time Travel: 2003 & 2009
Alternate title: Same Boy, Same Place, nearly 6 Years later
When we were in Western Massachusetts two weeks ago we spent some brief moments on our last day there (4/9) in the playground where I used to take Kelvin in his 1st and 2nd years of life. While there, I had the chance of taking some photos in the same places I'd taken them when he was much younger. The results are in:
October 2003:
April 2009:
Cool, huh? He's the same handsome and happy boy!
Will we go there again 6 years from now? If we do, I'll sure take photos and share them with you (it's highly unlikely that we'd do that with a 13 year old, though ;-).
When we were in Western Massachusetts two weeks ago we spent some brief moments on our last day there (4/9) in the playground where I used to take Kelvin in his 1st and 2nd years of life. While there, I had the chance of taking some photos in the same places I'd taken them when he was much younger. The results are in:
October 2003:
April 2009:
April 2009:
October 2003:
April 2009:
Cool, huh? He's the same handsome and happy boy!Will we go there again 6 years from now? If we do, I'll sure take photos and share them with you (it's highly unlikely that we'd do that with a 13 year old, though ;-).
Sunday, April 19, 2009
I need CHANGE!
So I began with a small change my mast, or blog title background, putting one of my favorite photos (last one here too), which I took on October 17, 2006 through the screen in my front window. I hope to be able to make more radical changes in the future, not just to the blog, but to my hair (hi Kateri, I'm coming!). I think it's just a natural reaction to all the changes that we are going to have to face in our lives.
I tried to post this morning, but I was so overcome with grief and emotion that I became a sobbing heap and had to run outside and start sweeping the back covered patio, sobbing uncontrollably. I will try to come back and posts tonight, but it won't be easy. I think it'll be good to just share my pain so it can begin to get diluted in the thousands of words and experiences that I've already shared here...
This afternoon we have what we hope will be the second and last open house, that's why I was sweeping earlier. I still need to put some last minute touches into the cleaning and tidying up (well, the tidying up is actually taken care of, there's nothing out of place in this whole house, we've done it for a week already!). Anyway... that's it for now. The days have been beautiful, the weather finally warm, but I cannot really enjoy it wholeheartedly.
Hopefully I'll talk to you later today. Thanks for all those who have been commenting and giving me your support -- you don't know how much you comfort me and how much your words mean to me. I cannot say thank you enough!
I tried to post this morning, but I was so overcome with grief and emotion that I became a sobbing heap and had to run outside and start sweeping the back covered patio, sobbing uncontrollably. I will try to come back and posts tonight, but it won't be easy. I think it'll be good to just share my pain so it can begin to get diluted in the thousands of words and experiences that I've already shared here...
This afternoon we have what we hope will be the second and last open house, that's why I was sweeping earlier. I still need to put some last minute touches into the cleaning and tidying up (well, the tidying up is actually taken care of, there's nothing out of place in this whole house, we've done it for a week already!). Anyway... that's it for now. The days have been beautiful, the weather finally warm, but I cannot really enjoy it wholeheartedly.
Hopefully I'll talk to you later today. Thanks for all those who have been commenting and giving me your support -- you don't know how much you comfort me and how much your words mean to me. I cannot say thank you enough!
Friday, April 17, 2009
Going Under the Knife
So, the other thing I needed to blog about is that the doctor called me on Wednesday to say that he thinks it's best to remove the lumps (here's the latest post on the subject), just to be on the safe side. I guess MRIs are too expensive (I've heard of one person whose co-pay ranged from 1500 to 1900 dollars, but I guess it may not be as high with other insurances) and it's faster and cheaper just to cut and remove... blah.
I've never had any surgery before, at least not the kind that requires an incision. I still remember when I had my tonsils out at 4, the anesthesia to sleep, waking up and having ice-cream. I also found it slightly interesting -- if unnerving -- to have anesthesia when I had the colonoscopy, but I generally dislike doctors and medical interventions. Of course it'll be only local anesthesia and outpatient surgery, but still... I'm not looking forward to it. Since one of the incisions is on my face, the surgeon will probably do it together with a plastic surgeon, which I certainly appreciate.
My mom has been very encouraging because she has had multiple surgeries and jokes that she's never afraid to go under the knife. ;-) She even had an elective biopsy of a small lump in her breast once, just for peace of mind. I still remember that, I must have been 10 or 12 -- I thought it was scary/strange that she was going to the cancer hospital (and by her own will -- in Brazil, depending on your health plan, you don't really need referrals, you just go to the specialist of your choice). Anyway... she says that it's better be safe than sorry and that a small biopsy is no big deal. The doctor has also reassured me that the removal of glands is completely harmless. OK, provided their growth is benign, I think.
I have an appointment with the surgeon next Thursday and I'll keep you posted.
I've never had any surgery before, at least not the kind that requires an incision. I still remember when I had my tonsils out at 4, the anesthesia to sleep, waking up and having ice-cream. I also found it slightly interesting -- if unnerving -- to have anesthesia when I had the colonoscopy, but I generally dislike doctors and medical interventions. Of course it'll be only local anesthesia and outpatient surgery, but still... I'm not looking forward to it. Since one of the incisions is on my face, the surgeon will probably do it together with a plastic surgeon, which I certainly appreciate.
My mom has been very encouraging because she has had multiple surgeries and jokes that she's never afraid to go under the knife. ;-) She even had an elective biopsy of a small lump in her breast once, just for peace of mind. I still remember that, I must have been 10 or 12 -- I thought it was scary/strange that she was going to the cancer hospital (and by her own will -- in Brazil, depending on your health plan, you don't really need referrals, you just go to the specialist of your choice). Anyway... she says that it's better be safe than sorry and that a small biopsy is no big deal. The doctor has also reassured me that the removal of glands is completely harmless. OK, provided their growth is benign, I think.
I have an appointment with the surgeon next Thursday and I'll keep you posted.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
800th Post: Hope!
800 Posts Later, I'm Still Here!
There are other things I want and need to blog about, but I needed to get the 800th post out of the way first. In the past, I've "celebrated" some of them with a photo of my flowers (700th) and, before that, there was a huge coincidence of the 600th post and the news that our green cards had been approved. And I'm glad I waited to post the 800th post, because now I can celebrate with hope.
Our realtor just called to let us know that there is someone interested in the house and that they're probably going to put an offer on Monday. They saw the house this past Tuesday (the day I baked biscuits to make the house smell homey and get people to want to buy it -- it worked like a charm on our first house, the first person who walked in offered, but it was a big batch of whole wheat bread made by my mom and MIL), but the good thing is that they had seen the house before we bought it 2 years ago!! So they can totally appreciate the incredible amount of work and serious renovations (siding and roof) we put in, unlike any other prospective buyers.
Keep your fingers crossed for us. This will be a suspenseful weekend! If they could only offer a "fair" amount that allowed us to come out of this at least with some money... (the 20K of the renovations is most likely "lost" at this point). I'll keep you posted...
There are other things I want and need to blog about, but I needed to get the 800th post out of the way first. In the past, I've "celebrated" some of them with a photo of my flowers (700th) and, before that, there was a huge coincidence of the 600th post and the news that our green cards had been approved. And I'm glad I waited to post the 800th post, because now I can celebrate with hope.
Our realtor just called to let us know that there is someone interested in the house and that they're probably going to put an offer on Monday. They saw the house this past Tuesday (the day I baked biscuits to make the house smell homey and get people to want to buy it -- it worked like a charm on our first house, the first person who walked in offered, but it was a big batch of whole wheat bread made by my mom and MIL), but the good thing is that they had seen the house before we bought it 2 years ago!! So they can totally appreciate the incredible amount of work and serious renovations (siding and roof) we put in, unlike any other prospective buyers.
Keep your fingers crossed for us. This will be a suspenseful weekend! If they could only offer a "fair" amount that allowed us to come out of this at least with some money... (the 20K of the renovations is most likely "lost" at this point). I'll keep you posted...
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
1 Mammo + 2 Sonograms + 1 X-Ray
Not in that order, though.
First, it was the X-ray, taken to fill out a TB test form for teaching (any TB test that I take will come out positive because I was vaccinated against TB in Brazil, so I have to go straight to the chest X-ray).
Then, I had a very quick, awkward ultrasound of the lump in front of my right ear. It's very weird to have that cold blue jelly spread on the side of one's face and the wand by the ear. I wished it was on my belly (yes, I'm still insisting in wanting another baby even though I won't and can't and it's just a foregone conclusion that I shouldn't).
Next, I had the mammogram. It hurts, yikes! I had heard of how uncomfortable and painful it is to get one's poor breast squeezed and rolled out like pizza dough, but I was still a bit shocked at how annoying it is. After it was done the technician told me to wait in the next room until the radiologist could examine it.
I guess they couldn't take a good look at my underarm "lump," so I went back to the ultrasound room across the hall. The technician took the "pictures" and then I waited for a long time for the radiologist to come (good thing they had this Escher poster taped to the ceiling). When she came she said that there was no trace of breast cancer (as I already suspected) and that the lumps were well defined, enlarged lymph nodes -- just what I had suspected from the beginning (ah, how doctors are useless at times, e.g. so much money [from my insurance company, thankfully] was wasted in "diagnosing" an IBS that I had self-diagnosed months before).
She (the radiologist) said that the doctor may decide to have me do an MRI to verify if there are other such enlarged nodes around the body -- he had mentioned something like that in the last visit (together with the suggestion that a surgeon might want to remove the lump by my ear -- yikes!). So, I still might undergo further testing on this.
So far so good, though. It's better be safe than sorry, isn't it? (another cliche for you, courtesy of this increasingly annoying blog -- no?). OK, I have to go to bed.
There was a showing today (of the house). I'm feeling slightly less depressed... If only the house could sell soon! We're very spoiled because our first two houses sold in the first-second day of going on the market. It's going to be two weeks on Thursday for this one :-(
Please keep us in your thoughts/prayers.
First, it was the X-ray, taken to fill out a TB test form for teaching (any TB test that I take will come out positive because I was vaccinated against TB in Brazil, so I have to go straight to the chest X-ray).
Then, I had a very quick, awkward ultrasound of the lump in front of my right ear. It's very weird to have that cold blue jelly spread on the side of one's face and the wand by the ear. I wished it was on my belly (yes, I'm still insisting in wanting another baby even though I won't and can't and it's just a foregone conclusion that I shouldn't).
Next, I had the mammogram. It hurts, yikes! I had heard of how uncomfortable and painful it is to get one's poor breast squeezed and rolled out like pizza dough, but I was still a bit shocked at how annoying it is. After it was done the technician told me to wait in the next room until the radiologist could examine it.
I guess they couldn't take a good look at my underarm "lump," so I went back to the ultrasound room across the hall. The technician took the "pictures" and then I waited for a long time for the radiologist to come (good thing they had this Escher poster taped to the ceiling). When she came she said that there was no trace of breast cancer (as I already suspected) and that the lumps were well defined, enlarged lymph nodes -- just what I had suspected from the beginning (ah, how doctors are useless at times, e.g. so much money [from my insurance company, thankfully] was wasted in "diagnosing" an IBS that I had self-diagnosed months before).
She (the radiologist) said that the doctor may decide to have me do an MRI to verify if there are other such enlarged nodes around the body -- he had mentioned something like that in the last visit (together with the suggestion that a surgeon might want to remove the lump by my ear -- yikes!). So, I still might undergo further testing on this.
So far so good, though. It's better be safe than sorry, isn't it? (another cliche for you, courtesy of this increasingly annoying blog -- no?). OK, I have to go to bed.
There was a showing today (of the house). I'm feeling slightly less depressed... If only the house could sell soon! We're very spoiled because our first two houses sold in the first-second day of going on the market. It's going to be two weeks on Thursday for this one :-(
Please keep us in your thoughts/prayers.
Monday, April 13, 2009
"Spring Will Be a Little Late This Year"
You're supposed to read this listening to Carly Simon and Jimmy Webb's heartbreakingly beautiful rendition of the title song in her 1997 "concept" album Film Noir. At least, go here (Amazon link) and listen to the sample, it's such a gorgeous duet! I wish it wouldn't be c0pyright infringement to post the song here... what a complicated world we live in :-( I don't have the song in my computer, so I'm listening to Joni Mitchell...
I had an alternate, silly title: "This post's title was supposed to be a tired old metaphorical cliche, but you get this instead..." and I'm glad I remembered the song. And here's the ridiculous (but true right now) cliched metaphor: Spring is here, but as far as our spirits are concerned, it's still the middle of Winter. Yeah, that's what I thought when I was driving home on Friday, after 5.5 hours of driving.
It was still quite wintery looking up there in Massachusetts (especially Western MA), so when I pulled off the PA Turnpike into Germantown Pk. I realized that it was already very much Spring here, bright forsythias, . And then, I basically cried the 7 miles that separate from the Pike to our house. It was 7:30 pm, but there was still light and I could see my beautiful flowers, cheery daffodils and colorful and sweet smelling hyacinths.
I was surprised at myself... I didn't expect I would be just so devastatingly angry, so upset at coming back to my "perfect house" (thanks to my wonderful husband) knowing it's meant not to be ours anymore. As I drove home I had this almost "violent" reaction that after we sell the house, I never want to set foot in this area again. I want to move into the city and just forget that we ever lived here for almost two years. I want to move on and not look back. And I just felt angry. There's nothing to be angry at, that's the worst part. I will write later about how most of this suffering is of our own making (ah... regret, how bitter and caustic it is).
Anyway... I had two wonderful, beautiful weeks with my boys. I realized some small dreams -- I went back with them to the hospital where they were born, we visited this museum, went to the playground I used to take Kelvin in his first two years of life, and drove by the condo townhome into which I brought both of my babies from the hospital (Kelvin remembers it too, and he was 2.5 when we moved) -- our first house, the one we bought with 10K down -- the only money we perhaps will get back after 8 years of home ownership and two very profitable home sales.
I also stayed for a few days at my friend's house and the boys got to play with her daughters -- I had wanted to do that since last year and it was lovely! And before all that (in the previous week), I spent a lot of time with one of my best friends from childhood and her husband -- oh what a wonderful gift, after over 12 years of separation!!
So, this is a pathetic little post just to let you know that we're back and well, in spite of the fact that the night before I drove home (last Thu to Fri) was awful because Linton had an "asthma" attack (he doesn't have asthma, but was wheezing and coughing after a "coughy"cold) and I didn't want to just go to the emergency room, so I was up with him most of the night. We were able to have him use the nebulizer on Friday morning and I drove home uneventfully (he slept for three hours). I'm never leaving the house without that nebulizer and albuterol ever again!
Our friends are being very supportive and we know deep down that everything will be all right at the end, but it's still very painful. Having to leave the house looking perfect all the time is stressful, cooking is a hassle and a worry (won't the house smell bad?), but I must admit that it's an excellent exercice in "tidyness" for messy me, something I can use to improve in the future.
The stress is taking a toll on us, though. I'm snapping at the boys a lot, my voice has been slightly hoarse for over a month now (I don't have a runny nose or any other cold symptoms, but my throat just never fully heals), and at times I feel such sadness and despair that it's almost unbearable. It comes and goes, I cried while writing the post and Linton, who was watching some Bill the Science Guy YouTube video in the laptop with Kelvin in the same room, came to ask me what was going on and kissed me gently.
While I was writing the post, the bank called to check whether K would be making the mortgage payment tonight. He's delaying the payment to closer to the end of the grace period so that the bank will take seriously our request for a renegotiation of the terms of the mortgage. We do qualify for the plans that the government is trying to push the banks to renegotiate with struggling homeowners (we cannot refinance [not enough income], we can only renegotiate if possible), but the banks only do it if they are willing, or so I'm told. We don't know if ours is. And even if the payment could be dropped by 300 or more dollars, that would still not be enough for us to afford it unless I got steady work (not the uncertain adjuncting or lecturing, I guess -- not that I have really tried to go for those :-( ).
Anyway, this is getting really really l ong, I've been writing (on and off) since 5:30 pm and it's almost 9:30 pm, so I will just hit publish, OK? Without revising. We've been "revising" all our past right now, and it's just too painful.
I had an alternate, silly title: "This post's title was supposed to be a tired old metaphorical cliche, but you get this instead..." and I'm glad I remembered the song. And here's the ridiculous (but true right now) cliched metaphor: Spring is here, but as far as our spirits are concerned, it's still the middle of Winter. Yeah, that's what I thought when I was driving home on Friday, after 5.5 hours of driving.
It was still quite wintery looking up there in Massachusetts (especially Western MA), so when I pulled off the PA Turnpike into Germantown Pk. I realized that it was already very much Spring here, bright forsythias, . And then, I basically cried the 7 miles that separate from the Pike to our house. It was 7:30 pm, but there was still light and I could see my beautiful flowers, cheery daffodils and colorful and sweet smelling hyacinths.
I was surprised at myself... I didn't expect I would be just so devastatingly angry, so upset at coming back to my "perfect house" (thanks to my wonderful husband) knowing it's meant not to be ours anymore. As I drove home I had this almost "violent" reaction that after we sell the house, I never want to set foot in this area again. I want to move into the city and just forget that we ever lived here for almost two years. I want to move on and not look back. And I just felt angry. There's nothing to be angry at, that's the worst part. I will write later about how most of this suffering is of our own making (ah... regret, how bitter and caustic it is).
Anyway... I had two wonderful, beautiful weeks with my boys. I realized some small dreams -- I went back with them to the hospital where they were born, we visited this museum, went to the playground I used to take Kelvin in his first two years of life, and drove by the condo townhome into which I brought both of my babies from the hospital (Kelvin remembers it too, and he was 2.5 when we moved) -- our first house, the one we bought with 10K down -- the only money we perhaps will get back after 8 years of home ownership and two very profitable home sales.
I also stayed for a few days at my friend's house and the boys got to play with her daughters -- I had wanted to do that since last year and it was lovely! And before all that (in the previous week), I spent a lot of time with one of my best friends from childhood and her husband -- oh what a wonderful gift, after over 12 years of separation!!
So, this is a pathetic little post just to let you know that we're back and well, in spite of the fact that the night before I drove home (last Thu to Fri) was awful because Linton had an "asthma" attack (he doesn't have asthma, but was wheezing and coughing after a "coughy"cold) and I didn't want to just go to the emergency room, so I was up with him most of the night. We were able to have him use the nebulizer on Friday morning and I drove home uneventfully (he slept for three hours). I'm never leaving the house without that nebulizer and albuterol ever again!
Our friends are being very supportive and we know deep down that everything will be all right at the end, but it's still very painful. Having to leave the house looking perfect all the time is stressful, cooking is a hassle and a worry (won't the house smell bad?), but I must admit that it's an excellent exercice in "tidyness" for messy me, something I can use to improve in the future.
The stress is taking a toll on us, though. I'm snapping at the boys a lot, my voice has been slightly hoarse for over a month now (I don't have a runny nose or any other cold symptoms, but my throat just never fully heals), and at times I feel such sadness and despair that it's almost unbearable. It comes and goes, I cried while writing the post and Linton, who was watching some Bill the Science Guy YouTube video in the laptop with Kelvin in the same room, came to ask me what was going on and kissed me gently.
While I was writing the post, the bank called to check whether K would be making the mortgage payment tonight. He's delaying the payment to closer to the end of the grace period so that the bank will take seriously our request for a renegotiation of the terms of the mortgage. We do qualify for the plans that the government is trying to push the banks to renegotiate with struggling homeowners (we cannot refinance [not enough income], we can only renegotiate if possible), but the banks only do it if they are willing, or so I'm told. We don't know if ours is. And even if the payment could be dropped by 300 or more dollars, that would still not be enough for us to afford it unless I got steady work (not the uncertain adjuncting or lecturing, I guess -- not that I have really tried to go for those :-( ).
Anyway, this is getting really really l ong, I've been writing (on and off) since 5:30 pm and it's almost 9:30 pm, so I will just hit publish, OK? Without revising. We've been "revising" all our past right now, and it's just too painful.
Tuesday, April 07, 2009
19th Anniversary of Being Together
After celebrating this date on the blog for several years, I just couldn't let it go by without a post (especially because last year I think I missed it because of the dissertation). I'm in Western Mass, using my friend's neighbor's weak wireless signal, so I don't know if it will work, but I'll try! :-) (well, the photo just loaded, so it's working ok -- I just have to let you know that I didn't ask K's permission to post his photo, but hopefully he won't mind).
If you want to read the story of how we got together, here's the collection of links. We took the photo below on the day of our 14th wedding anniversary last year (we were facing a whole wall mirror). I didn't get a chance to blog about it in detail, but he took me here. It was a surprise trip and I really enjoyed it! The 19th anniversary of being together is a nice milestone for us because of this. And the best thing of all is that each year that goes by is better and better! I wish everyone could have what we have, I really do.
Well, Happy Anniversary to us! It's just sad that we're apart today, but I have two living reminders of our love breathing softly right next to me in bed, and that is also a wonderful, amazing gift!
If you want to read the story of how we got together, here's the collection of links. We took the photo below on the day of our 14th wedding anniversary last year (we were facing a whole wall mirror). I didn't get a chance to blog about it in detail, but he took me here. It was a surprise trip and I really enjoyed it! The 19th anniversary of being together is a nice milestone for us because of this. And the best thing of all is that each year that goes by is better and better! I wish everyone could have what we have, I really do.
Well, Happy Anniversary to us! It's just sad that we're apart today, but I have two living reminders of our love breathing softly right next to me in bed, and that is also a wonderful, amazing gift!
Thursday, April 02, 2009
Before & After - That's Why It's So Painful
I can't look at these photos without crying, it's just too much to bear, so I need to share them with you. Maybe it'll ease the pain (just the work of uploading and arranging them within the post has already been helpful! ;-). Someday I want to have a slide show of the transformation (and one of those hardcover books -- I wanted to have it for the showing, but in the end I think I'll never print these out and make the book), but for now these will do.
I know that the change in furniture style makes a huge difference, as does wall color, but still, this is a completely different house.
Kitchen:
Dining room
(I wish I had photos of the same angle -- I took tons, but they're all at home in the desktop :-( ):
Master Bedroom (note: ceiling fan's still there):
And the most dramatic change - Family Room:
So, what do you think?
I know that the change in furniture style makes a huge difference, as does wall color, but still, this is a completely different house.
Hallway:
Living Room:
Kitchen:
Dining room(I wish I had photos of the same angle -- I took tons, but they're all at home in the desktop :-( ):
Master Bedroom (note: ceiling fan's still there):
And the most dramatic change - Family Room:
So, what do you think?
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
"I Am Refused Entry to the Harvard Poetry Library" by Frank X. Gaspar
A friend of mine handed out this poem before reading his paper at the conference and I was totally moved by it. I felt like crying, but I was in a seminar room and just couldn't.
I hope it's OK for me to include the whole poem here. Here's the link to the book by Frank X. Gaspar in which you can find it: Field Guide to the Heavens (1999). I also found the poem included in a word doc anthology that can be accessed online (so I didn't have to type it, yay!). I highlighted my favorite parts in light green.
Rightly so: for who am I but a tired question
squatting, in those days, somewhere up on
Beacon Hill, snow equally tired, crusted and dirty,
crouching in striated piles along the ancient curbs—
such a homely winter. And so there should
be books at my elbow! And there were rumors
of that splendid room: imagine sitting in
the warm, thick air, among the sons and daughters
of the sons and daughters, among the thin spines,
among the soft chairs. I would not eat all
day but linger there and let the gray light slant
through the gothic windows, or the square windows,
or from brass lamps, or from fluorescent lights,
the exact details so impossible to imagine
that they roll and flicker and agitate
the manic breath and heart: walk to the T and lay
my coins down, count the stops, hunch in
the chill morning to coffee and sugar at the vendor's
cart near the square, then advance, certain I can
talk my way into the sanctified places, sure
I can find in my pocket some scrap of card,
some guarantee I might pass. And if the world
has its own ideas, and if they are not in accord
with my own wishes, and if the mild young woman
shakes her head firmly and explains how I in
general never have, and never will, live a qualified
day in my life, I must not be afraid of the cold gray
sky and the sprawling yard—I must walk among
the gay colors of the coats and scarves, the backpacks
of the deserving: there are other buildings open
for roaming, and though I might be regarded
with the sideways look reserved for my kind,
someone will soon lay down a book or some other
thing that will fit a hand, and swiftly it will be mine.
~~~ ~ ~~~
We were allowed entrance to several buildings. They even gave us free wireless access (too bad I didn't take my laptop :-( ), but still, PhD or no, we were still outsiders. My friend had a pass to do research in the library, but I only talked to her before reading the poem, so I didn't ask anything about how it is inside. I've entered the library at Penn several times,* but this poem describes quite well my feelings when I walk around that place. I don't belong, I may have some credentials, but I'm not "a daughter of the sons and daughters" -- not that this would guarantee me a job there, no... but, anyway, I don't quite belong. I felt completely neutral at Harvard, but still, the poem is very meaningful. "The sons and daughters of the sons and daughters" (George W. comes to mind) and "The backpacks of the deserving." yeah...
*And their library is NOT good in my area at all! The library in my graduate institution, a state school, is WAY better for Brazilian literature and most other literatures than the Ivy league place. Blah.
I hope it's OK for me to include the whole poem here. Here's the link to the book by Frank X. Gaspar in which you can find it: Field Guide to the Heavens (1999). I also found the poem included in a word doc anthology that can be accessed online (so I didn't have to type it, yay!). I highlighted my favorite parts in light green.
I Am Refused Entry to the Harvard Poetry Library
Rightly so: for who am I but a tired question
squatting, in those days, somewhere up on
Beacon Hill, snow equally tired, crusted and dirty,
crouching in striated piles along the ancient curbs—
such a homely winter. And so there should
be books at my elbow! And there were rumors
of that splendid room: imagine sitting in
the warm, thick air, among the sons and daughters
of the sons and daughters, among the thin spines,
among the soft chairs. I would not eat all
day but linger there and let the gray light slant
through the gothic windows, or the square windows,
or from brass lamps, or from fluorescent lights,
the exact details so impossible to imagine
that they roll and flicker and agitate
the manic breath and heart: walk to the T and lay
my coins down, count the stops, hunch in
the chill morning to coffee and sugar at the vendor's
cart near the square, then advance, certain I can
talk my way into the sanctified places, sure
I can find in my pocket some scrap of card,
some guarantee I might pass. And if the world
has its own ideas, and if they are not in accord
with my own wishes, and if the mild young woman
shakes her head firmly and explains how I in
general never have, and never will, live a qualified
day in my life, I must not be afraid of the cold gray
sky and the sprawling yard—I must walk among
the gay colors of the coats and scarves, the backpacks
of the deserving: there are other buildings open
for roaming, and though I might be regarded
with the sideways look reserved for my kind,
someone will soon lay down a book or some other
thing that will fit a hand, and swiftly it will be mine.
~~~ ~ ~~~
We were allowed entrance to several buildings. They even gave us free wireless access (too bad I didn't take my laptop :-( ), but still, PhD or no, we were still outsiders. My friend had a pass to do research in the library, but I only talked to her before reading the poem, so I didn't ask anything about how it is inside. I've entered the library at Penn several times,* but this poem describes quite well my feelings when I walk around that place. I don't belong, I may have some credentials, but I'm not "a daughter of the sons and daughters" -- not that this would guarantee me a job there, no... but, anyway, I don't quite belong. I felt completely neutral at Harvard, but still, the poem is very meaningful. "The sons and daughters of the sons and daughters" (George W. comes to mind) and "The backpacks of the deserving." yeah...
*And their library is NOT good in my area at all! The library in my graduate institution, a state school, is WAY better for Brazilian literature and most other literatures than the Ivy league place. Blah.
New "Career" Move: Doula!
I know I'm all over the place with this blog right now, but I need the distraction and, truly, there are always tons of things going on in my life, as you already know from reading this blog. So, let me tell you a bit about last weekend...
I went to the main conference of my discipline, at Harvard. Apparently, it was the biggest conference to take place there EVER. Not so good for the presenters, several of whom were stuck in tiny rooms with barely room for the seminar members, and NO room for other attendees. Other people had to get coffee and refreshments in tiny, crowded hallways. We were lucky to be in one of the nicest buildings (Barker). So, no, it was not a success with the conference goers. And there were nearly 2000 of us. I guess everyone thought: Harvard! I! have! to! go! BLAH. I want to post a poem about Harvard later, maybe even today, since I'm so prolific right now. :-)
Anyway, I went to the conference and stayed at my friend's apartment. One of my best friends from high school is living in Boston right now (since last October). Her husband is studying English, but they're mostly here to have an American baby. She's 3+ months pregnant and needs tons of advice and has a never-ending list of questions. So I obliged. And, most importantly, I know her really well. I know that she's extremely organized and systematic and that she will want to be ready well ahead of time and have everything she needs at hand. So I discussed all options with her into the night, from the fancy Bugaboos to the humblest umbrella strollers.
As I laid all options before her and learned of the particular situation (most importantly the fact that her husband will not be at the birth because he is averse to hospitals and won't even consider it and, if I know her mom, she might not want to be in the room either) I mentioned doulas and how useful they can be. When I talked to her in more detail about it, it occurred to us that I might be able to do it for her. Later I called K and he was enthusiastic -- "Not only can you do it for them," he immediately declared, "but this can be [he actually said "will be"] a new career that you can get started on!" Yes! So true!
I have already checked out how I can get certified and I almost certain that I'm going to do it! Most importantly, apart from my friend, I have three other friends who are expecting babies within the next 3-6 months! So, attending their births as a doula (even if almost an unpaid one in the case of two of the friends), will help me get certified!
I've already read online that it's not a job that pays very well, but it is most certainly something that I'd LOVE to do!! And I have some "extras" that might help me ($)! I can speak 4 languages, I can take photos and film if they want it. And I'm sure I could think of other things (like cooking after baby is born -- I'm a pretty good cook).
So, I'm quite excited at this new possibility! I'm already thinking that I will be homeschooling the boys in the Fall so I can come to Massachusetts for a few weeks with them (and stay at my in-laws) around my friend's due date. I just cannot believe I didn't think about doing this earlier!! The timing of this visit to my friend couldn't have been better!
What do you guys think?
I went to the main conference of my discipline, at Harvard. Apparently, it was the biggest conference to take place there EVER. Not so good for the presenters, several of whom were stuck in tiny rooms with barely room for the seminar members, and NO room for other attendees. Other people had to get coffee and refreshments in tiny, crowded hallways. We were lucky to be in one of the nicest buildings (Barker). So, no, it was not a success with the conference goers. And there were nearly 2000 of us. I guess everyone thought: Harvard! I! have! to! go! BLAH. I want to post a poem about Harvard later, maybe even today, since I'm so prolific right now. :-)
Anyway, I went to the conference and stayed at my friend's apartment. One of my best friends from high school is living in Boston right now (since last October). Her husband is studying English, but they're mostly here to have an American baby. She's 3+ months pregnant and needs tons of advice and has a never-ending list of questions. So I obliged. And, most importantly, I know her really well. I know that she's extremely organized and systematic and that she will want to be ready well ahead of time and have everything she needs at hand. So I discussed all options with her into the night, from the fancy Bugaboos to the humblest umbrella strollers.
As I laid all options before her and learned of the particular situation (most importantly the fact that her husband will not be at the birth because he is averse to hospitals and won't even consider it and, if I know her mom, she might not want to be in the room either) I mentioned doulas and how useful they can be. When I talked to her in more detail about it, it occurred to us that I might be able to do it for her. Later I called K and he was enthusiastic -- "Not only can you do it for them," he immediately declared, "but this can be [he actually said "will be"] a new career that you can get started on!" Yes! So true!
I have already checked out how I can get certified and I almost certain that I'm going to do it! Most importantly, apart from my friend, I have three other friends who are expecting babies within the next 3-6 months! So, attending their births as a doula (even if almost an unpaid one in the case of two of the friends), will help me get certified!
I've already read online that it's not a job that pays very well, but it is most certainly something that I'd LOVE to do!! And I have some "extras" that might help me ($)! I can speak 4 languages, I can take photos and film if they want it. And I'm sure I could think of other things (like cooking after baby is born -- I'm a pretty good cook).
So, I'm quite excited at this new possibility! I'm already thinking that I will be homeschooling the boys in the Fall so I can come to Massachusetts for a few weeks with them (and stay at my in-laws) around my friend's due date. I just cannot believe I didn't think about doing this earlier!! The timing of this visit to my friend couldn't have been better!
What do you guys think?
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