Monday, January 05, 2009

It's "Coming Around Again"

So, out of nowhere... OK, it probably wasn't out of nowhere... sigh, but I won't go into that yet.

Anyway, it's embarrasing to admit it, but out of somewhere then, if you insist, :) I've suddenly begun having that crazy urge, that wildest and most insane of desires... the wish to have another baby.

There, I've said and...Yes, I know... crazy, huh? Aren't you going to say that I've lost my mind? Please, be supportive and do say something to that effect! I beg you!!! (My husband will thank you wholeheartedly if you convince me that I should quit such deranged thoughts at once!).

I'm fully and embarrassingly aware that I made a public announcement here that I was done! Good thing I phrased it "I think I'm really done." We have a saying in Brazil (OK, in Portuguese) which does not translate well, but I'll use it anyway: "Pensando morreu um burro" -- By thinking, a donkey/dunce died" or "Thinking killed a donkey" (I think that I'm beginning to understand that, now that I've translated it ;-). 

Anyway... I've been debating this issue for a long time, haven't I? Really thinking about it. Proof here (2007) and here (2004 -- oh, MAN, was I 33 when I wrote that? How old I feel now at 37!), but I know that now I'm in the "now or never" threshold and my body, my mind, my everything, are going crazy. 

The motives are slightly selfish -- breastfeeding again (weren't five years five months enough? :-), more attachment parenting (more baby-wearing than with the other ones, if needed, since those first two didn't really crave it), the crazy environmentally minded cloth diapering (or at least the flushable ones), perhaps home birthing (that, my husband doesn't like too much, but there's a birthing center! Not far away!)... crunchy, delicious earth mama things like those that I want to experience now that I'm much "wiser," more aware, and able to enjoy certain things more fully. 

And, of course, the crowning reason is one that I've been "trupeting" here all along -- being a mother has always been and felt as my greatest accomplishment. The one single thing I've never felt deficient at, the one thing that came so naturally and gave me so much enjoyment that I I don't seem to get enough of it. Being a mother is just so awesome!

Now on to the cons, which are just as "selfish" as the pros, if not more. Why start it all over again when we're finally out of the most limiting stage, one that American Family calls "baby jail"? Why? K and I just did our very first outing by ourselves, leaving our sons with friends for two days/nights -- why would we want to wait another three to four long years before we could enjoy that again? Now that I'm planning a nice celebration for our 15th anniversary in December? I finally finished the PhD and can try to find work. In the fall both boys will be in school. What in the world am I thinking? 

So, what do I do, my dear readers? I know. Just wait until the desire passes because it eventually, and, hopefully, will. Right? Right?

In fact, you shouldn't worry because I actually think that this whole discussion is almost futile and I'm pretty sure that nothing will come of it. The rational side will probably win in the end. It's almost a no-brainer... 

And now for the various triggers: 

1) K mentioning that he should "get snipped" soon. I think I just freaked out at the thought of just not being able to ever change my mind again (I know you guys were able to reverse that, my friend, but it sure was hard and it came at a cost, right?).

2) Several family members, close friends and close bloggers getting pregnant and having babies recently, some right around now (like CJ, Jo, Lucy). There's nothing like lots of people around you having babies to trigger the "reflex" of wanting the same. 

3) Last, but not least, the very interesting brainstorming sessions that K and I had during this trip and in the car driving up and which point out to a slim possibility of me working at home in the in-law's family business, which has the potential to really really grow (I'll probably blog about this at some point). Just the possibility that I might be able to do that already makes me all eager to consider having another one. 

OK, I've been writing this post on and off for about three hours, so I'll stop now and let you join the discussion, all right? Please do share your 2 cents (or more ;-).

14 comments:

M said...

What does K say, other than "you're crazy?"

My immediate response is that I, personally, can't imagine having three children, but of course I write that while lying on the couch at 16 weeks pregnant after an exhausting day of chasing Wild Man around! I know you're a wonderful mother and would be a wonderful mom to a third child. That said, I'm not sure wanting to experience all the things you outlined (crunchy mama-ness in general!) is a reason to have a baby. Ask yourself this: how would having a third child affect your relationships with Kelvin and Linton? You are, as you point at, on the verge of more freedom as a mom. Are you sure you're ready to give that up?

And if you are (assuming K is as well), go for it!

L said...

What a great comment, M!!

First off, I knew that just writing this post would help me get it out of my mind more quickly! and I'm glad to report that it's working. It's probably just a passing "delusion" ;-)

As to your question, K says that he thinks that it's HUGE problem financially more than anything. And there's also the fact that we are not settled down, and this hope in a family business won't take off for another year or two. He says he's love to have a good paying job in which we could afford to have me stay home with the boys, but that's just not the case right now.

So, I know he's right. But it's great to have other perspectives such as yours. I do not worry about my older boys, I know that they would be great big brothers, but I do have concerns about our freedom, that's a tough one.

Like I said in the post... this was a moot post in a sense because we just won't do it.

Dawn said...

My friend told me once that we all have this idea of the people (family) who should be sitting around our table and if someone's missing, if a child is missing, you just know it. I thought there was more than one child missing until we got Maddie and now I know we're full. :) If money were no object (i.e., if I didn't have to work) I'd maybe see room for another chair or two but it doesn't grieve me -- I don't feel like we're *missing* anyone. Do you feel like you're missing someone? Or is it just fun to have a whole new person arrive to the family? (I think I will ALWAYS miss having a baby in a sling with me but so it goes.)

Anonymous said...

Baby lust. You're in baby lust.

Plus the whole do-over aspect. I know that's why we had Linley. I really wanted a chance to use some of the knowledge I'd gained and parent a 3rd child. I was 35. We got pregnant with Lin easily. If we'd had to try at all, I might likely have given up.

My general advice, more than two children is too many. Especially if you have them spread out too much. It was very taxing until they were all in school. I had my foot in so many different mommy stages. Now, it feels like two- the teenagers and the school kids.

Right now, I'm happy to have four, I'm no longer overwhelmed with this many children. Two or three years ago I would have told you something different.

diber said...

Oh Lilian, you can come over and hold my Mr. Fatso. (hug)

I have another friend who has similar conversations. She has three and snip, snip, they're done. But she dreams about another baby for many of the same reasons. I think there's a category that doesn't get talked about enough, and that's Mourning the Passing of our Fertility. Especially when you celebrate pregnancy and the glory of the womanly body giving birth. Even you're "done", and you can't all of a sudden stop celebrating that, but there's no way we're given to do that except by being pregnant.

I went to the birth center a couple of months after M was born for an OB checkup and met a new midwife who told me things about my body i never knew. It was exciting and my first thought was "I want to have another baby!" What the heck!? I had a 2mo!! (And I'm royally miserable in pregnancy and M is a tad high needs--I had no business wanting another baby!)

sorry kind of rambly. don't know if that makes sense.

you're in a good place as a family. (hug)

Unknown said...

Oh, Lilian, I am so NOT the right person to comment here. But I'll be honest.

I just LOVE having 3. I've never found parenting easier (I'm more laid back, for sure), and I've never been happier. But I wholeheartedly agree with the earlier poster -- you have to ask yourself specifically -- Is someone missing? I felt such a strong call for another child. I wasn't thinking at all about the particulars of childrearing -- just the fact that our family did not feel complete.

Talk it out with yourself some more. You'll find the answer.

t1 Diabetes said...

There were some very interesting comments to this post. About your vasectomy reversal question, yes, it can be successfully reversed, depending on how the original surgery was done. Most insurances will not cover a reversal, though. A trusthworthy surgery costs about 10K, so if K is thinking about a vasectomy, well... most people won't think about a reversal after that. Also because it hurts - a lot. The reversal is more painful than the original procedure. I'm telling all men I know not to get a reversal anyhow, DH complained of a pain on his side that he believes is still consequence of the original surgery. There are also increased risk of cancer and other consequences, make sure he does his research because going under the knife. Now, about having babies... I'm no help to you. I say: go for it!!! The more the merrier and things have a way of working out. Of course, you'll have to think about your relationship with K and respect his wishes... no doubt about that... I think, you'd be a wonderful mom to a 3rd child, as you have been for the first 2. I think that people that are inteligent and educated should have more children and not less (like what normally happens), to try to balance off the number of stupid people that have children like crazy. It will make the world a better place to have children coming for a couple like you and K than other parents that really do not care about their children or birth control (and those are normally the ones that need it the most).

t1 Diabetes said...

I meant to write: "for most men not to get a vasectomy" (not a reversal)

and "make sure he does his research before going under the knife"

and since I posted another comment, here are some links: http://www.vasectomysideeffects.net/ (look up his book on amazon)

men don't complain often (most won't go to a doctor unless they are dying) and a lot of the side effects are reported and have not been disproved. here is another interesting book you can read some online: http://www.amazon.com/Vasectomy-Worth-Risk-Physicians-Vasectomania/dp/0963326023/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1231282936&sr=1-1

Prisca said...

I'm late to post, Lilian, but I've been thinking about you despite not commenting as often as I should.

I think the whole idea about asking if 'someone missing' is pretty persuasive. I'm done at two, but honestly, if I'd started at 30 instead of 35 I know we would have had 3. Now I can't imagine doing the whole new baby/sleep deprivation thing again plus I'm 43. I love kids but I'm not so great with babies and I am LOVING having older children who go to school and come home bursting with new ideas and excitement. There's so much to enjoy about them now and so much we can all do together. Ask me again when they're teens . :)

Enough about me-- you'll know what to do soon enough. I'm sure of it.

Aliki2006 said...

I know what you mean about writing somehow serving to purge oneself of such feelings...

I can't offer any advice--you know I've written about being "done" and I do feel done. Nostalgic many times, but done. If it's any help my SIL and her husband just had #3 and they are totally overwhelmed. Of course they don't regret it, but they are totally exhausted and overwhelmed.

Anonymous said...

Oi dona de casa ! May I suggest a dose of Lispector - Laços de familia -

and then one of her children's stories

A mulher que matou os peixes !

amiga inglesa

pithydithy said...

You are crazy. It's 5:30 and I am up because my 22 month old has been up since 3:30. He finally went back to sleep, but I couldn't. And going away for a couple's weekend? Wow....that would be nice. I would so love to be out of baby jail.

Of course, babies are super snuggly, and they smell good, and I do love that feeling of being full and round and fertile (hah!) and pregnant.... Plus, even when he's up at 3:30, I sure do love the kid...

So I'm happy to have another. But you. YOU are crazy. :-)

(Was that convincing?)

kate said...

Well, to be honest, I did not feel like anyone was missing at our table-- I would have been happy with two, but dh wanted a third, and in the end I agreed. I don't regret it, of course, and he has been an exceptionally easygoing baby (starting to come into his own, though), but it definitely has affected the amount and quality of attention I am able to give his older brothers. They enjoy having a baby brother too, but realistically it does come with some sacrifices on their part.

Don't hate me for saying this, but I'm wondering if this resurgance of baby lust might not have something to do with the fact that you feel so frustrated with your professional prospects right now, whereas child-raising is something you feel confident about, gives you a purpose, and you are good at it. I'm sure there are many other factors involved, as you have already pointed out, but if that is indeed part of your motivation, it might be wiser to look to other avenues of finding satisfaction in life before you commit to another child (which it sounds like you are just dreaming about, not actually seriously considering anyway.)

I know I sound preachy, and also I'm not the best one to give advice on the subject considering that I just had a third myself. But I'm also, truthfully, thinking that it would be pretty risky to have another child in an uncertain/potentially unstable financial situation. I'm sure that if you and your husband decided that this was really what you want to do, you could make it work out, but it could also create a lot of stress (especially if you are so eager to follow a more AP style of parenting, yet you also need to work outside the home to make ends meet.)

So, while I know the "right" thing to say is something along the lines of "do whatever you feel is best and it will all work out somehow", my real, honest reaction is that it doesn't sound like you are in a place to be able to actually be the kind of parent you would like to be to a new baby right now. I would wait until you are more settled, as your husband suggests, and then revisit the issue then.

But I do feel for you, being torn again by this decision. Good luck!

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