opening remarks:
this post will, in fact, be a mere draft of what I really want and need to write about this subject.... although most of it I really do not and will not, in fact, get to blog about. It's just too complicated, too personal, and too... well, perhaps polarizing to get into here.
backtracking a bit...
finding connections between all aspects of my life, having things come together so I feel whole has always been a big part of my journaling/ diary writing.
there were some key moments in my life in which this happened in such a strong way that I'll never forget.
1990 or 91, September, I think, I had just come back from one of several life-changing choir trips [we would travel for many hours by bus and thus get to have many deep conversations, as well as play games and have fun] and when I came home I found a letter from one of my dear friends (I really need to write about her someday) who lived abroad which, in turn, led me to reflect on all my friendships in a way I had not done in a long time.
1993, August... after spending four weeks traveling around the U.S. with my boyfriend (now husband) and his family and then 20 more days by myself on my uncle's D.C. area home and my aunt's Miami area house, on the night before coming back I reflected on the trip and how it had just changed my life forever (little did I know how much! ;-)
so... these moments stand there... like beautiful and precious shiny stones. And there are many others, the night I describe in this key post (go read it right now! It's about how blogging changed my life!!! ;-) was one of them.
~ ~ ~ ~
right now, I want to write a few of my thoughts about the extreme opposite, something that has been taking over my life as of late -- how disconnected the various part of my life feel and how fragmented and torn that makes me feel.
there are the most obvious disconnects caused by my status as an expatriate person -- I am disconnected from my country and, at the same time, from this "new" country -- I will never fit in perfectly in either one. I feel torn between two languages... the tagline of this blog explores these disconnects well (it reads for now, and I know change on it is overdue :
A mother (mamãe) of two boys (born in March 2002 and May 2004) between two languages (Portuguese and English), two countries (Brazil and the U.S.), two "worlds" (academic/ home-front). After being a doctoral student for 10 years she is now trying to figure out what to do next with her life now that her husband (who also used to be a foreign student) finally got a job and she has a "useless" Ph.D.).there are also the funny disconnect between my "virtual life" through blogging and my blogging friends and my everyday life. although this one is not really a problem and more of a "solution"
far worse than all these disconnects is one that has been creeping upon me slowly in the past years of my life and which I will quickly mention, but not really elaborate on. my connection to organized religion is something that's not only a conscious choice and something which I value (in spite of the many disagreements that I have with the organization and even with certain things within broader christianity), but also part of our families, of our culture, really... it's a reality that seems to have seeped into our very bones. and I don't mind that, I really don't. the benefits far outweigh the problems and I don't really question this aspect of my life, or the everyday effects of it in my life
as my intellectual self has developed and my social life has expanded through blogging in never before imagined ways I changed in profound ways. I have come to understand that the exclusive way in which religious people tend to view the world and themselves is very limiting and sometimes even contrary to the tenets of religion itself... and the divide between myself and the people that I interact with in that context has grown and grown... (except for a few friends whose journeys are similar and who have been undergoing the same changes and struggles). the differences and struggles that *I* personally have with a certain view do not bother me, but the disconnect from people that I care about and interact with does.
today it hit me that I was probably one of the only (or few) people in a whole group that was thrilled with the outcome of this election. I tried to talk about it with some Brazilian friends, but I just had to be quiet after they brought up this issue and I had not prepared myself for such a discussion (and BTW, that link is from a person I respect greatly and whose views on religion I mostly share, reading that helped me understand better how I should deal with this touchy subject in the future)...
anyway... there were many other things that I felt today related to this issue... I don't like to feel fragmented and disconnected like that.... but I guess it's part and parcel of these post modern times ;-)
and again I finish writing this after midnight... I guess the NaBloPoMo folks will just have to forgive me again ;-)
3 comments:
I can totally relate to the disconnect with some aspects of organized religion. And it's been interesting, almost disturbing, to see the horrified reactions of some of my religious friends back home to the outcome of this election.
As your link to brian's post suggests, I think too many people associate the Republican party with the correct religious choice, and then just leave it at that without really analyzing the issues.
Here's to a whole, connected life. :-)
Interesting link-- thanks. You might also be interested in what this blogger has to say-- she did a five-part series on how her Christian faith has affected her politics. The last post is on top, scroll down a bit for the others.
http://wormwoodsdoxy.blogspot.com/
Anyway, I can identify somewhat with your disconnects-- it's kind of a strange place to be in, isn't it?
I appreciate your post and link too. What I remind myself is that many people have good intentions, although sometimes they don't stop to really think through what they are doing to properly address the issues that are important to them.
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