So, tomorrow, I begin my new "career" as an online facilitator/instructor and I'm glad to report that my attitude has improved quite a bit since I last mentioned this in the blog (here). I have a feeling that it is going to be a positive experience. I enjoy interacting with people, both in person and online, so I hope that this opportunity to interact with students online can be a positive one for me and that I can encourage these 40 people to learn more about a subject that I am interested about. I know that grading will be quite time consuming and it always is boring and tiring... but, the interactions should (hopefully) be fun and stimulating. I'll let you know how it's going...
In other news, tonight was our school's gymnastics program, I've posted some pictures in the now defunct :-( photo blog of last school years' presentations and this year's is even better since we have a bigger groups of students. And they did an awesome job in their pyramids... maybe I can post a picture or two later. We also invited a group of friends over because we are saying goodbye to one couple and their baby son who are going back to Brazil, but they couldn't even come because they're packing for their trip. Good thing other friends came and they even got to see the gymnastics program! And now two of our friends' children, a boy and a girl, are sleeping over. You know... I feel happy that we have two boys and not a boy and a girl. I think it's easier to have two kids of the same gender. And I'm getting more and more convinced that I wasn't really meant to have a daughter, really. But that's probably the subject for another post.
I'm already half an hour late, so let me post this...
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Friday, November 14, 2008
When Thriftiness Becomes a Way of Life or... Why I'm Afraid of Money
I have wanted to write this post for a year now (and I began it last February) because in Nov/Dec of 2007 two of my favorite blogging friends posted about this issue, namely Aliki and Dawn. So... I am "only" one year late :-) and this will be a bit of a scattered post because I am trying to end what I begin to write and not exactly suceeding.
Interestingly enough, however, since last year things have changed so drastically in this country that the whole point of the original post I wanted to write (complain a bit about how my whole life centered around being thrifty and how tired I was of that) can get a completely different spin in these economically troubled times. Most probably people will begin valuing thriftiness more, no?
Anyway, here is some of what I began to write then, which I've finished today:
Aliki's post "On Thriftiness" elicited great discussions in the comment section.
The central issue of her post was the question of whether this statement is true or not:
There's a lot that I could talk about regarding this subject... about my childhood and how few toys we had and how I never asked for anything that I might have wanted. How this awareness that we couldn't afford so many things is still strong in me... It makes me say to my boys "Look, this is expensive," so often that today at the store Linton wanted to put his MiraLax back because, he said "Look mama, it's expensive!" (he really doesn't know what he's saying, obviously, it was only around 5 bucks, but Kelvin does know when something is expensive, like 100+ dollars) and I explained to him that it might be, but we needed to buy it anyway, that it was a necessity so he could use the bathroom without difficulty. I do want to instill in my boys the thought that we don't need to buy all we want, that rampant consumerism is not good and that we must value what we have and try not to spend too much.
I won't have time to go into a detailed description of my relationship with money, suffice it to say that money makes me nervous, but, contradictorily, the thought of having an actual budget and knowing exactly how much we can/ cannot spend is something I have resisted for the longest time. I try not to spend, but once in a while I do buy something and feel a bit guilty about it...
Oh, I remember one of the things I wanted to write. I would have a whole list of complaints if I only had the time to think of them: I've been tired of only buying clothes for me and the boys it the season clearances at the end of the winter and summer, but I just can't bring myself to pay "full price" (whatever that means because prices at big clothing stores such as Kohls are merely "fictional" -- which drives me nuts!) for any clothes. Even 50% discount (of the fictional sky high price) is too much for me. It has to be at 60-80% and then I still have to use my card's 15-30% discount... yeah. That's how we shop for clothes here. (and, Dawn, I don't really buy clothes at thrifty shops much because I can get brand new ones SOOOO cheap, sometimes less than 2 dollars apiece that I just don't feel like getting used ones)
All right, I'm all over the place, but I wanted to end with the fact that interstingly enough, this week Time magazine featured one of my favorite discount grocery stores in an article -- the German store Aldi. I first discovered Aldi when my brother- and sister-in-law were studying in Michigan and living in an incredibly tight budget (it's unbelievable really how my BIL made it through his MA!). It was their store of choice, and I didn't like it much at the time. When we moved to the Philadelphia area there was one a couple of miles from our house and I shopped there very often (and also at our other favorite discount store, which is much harder to find -- Price Rite). In fact, I haven't shopped in regular grocery stores for many years now (I blogged about this back in Nov. 2006 and Lauren liked that post :-) and this summer I was ELATED that I was barely going shopping at all because of the CSA share and the farm stand. It felt great!
So... I guess that at this point I should embrace our triftiness instead of complaining about it, right? It has most certainly served us well and will probably come in handy now!
(and I guess that the whole original point of this post is just moot... ;-)
Interestingly enough, however, since last year things have changed so drastically in this country that the whole point of the original post I wanted to write (complain a bit about how my whole life centered around being thrifty and how tired I was of that) can get a completely different spin in these economically troubled times. Most probably people will begin valuing thriftiness more, no?
Anyway, here is some of what I began to write then, which I've finished today:
Aliki's post "On Thriftiness" elicited great discussions in the comment section.
The central issue of her post was the question of whether this statement is true or not:
The notion of thriftiness is one that's been out of vogue for a long time--and not because people are better off than they were when I was growing up, but because of how rampant the consumer culture has become.And wondering why people today seem to think that it's wrong to talk to one's children about money. And she ends with this statement, with which I wholeheartedly agree:
It's the smaller things I'm concerned about now, the daily message we send our kids, that being thrifty is shameful, and low, and downright taboo in today's culture when, in fact, it should be something to be proud of, something we hand down to our kids, especially if we have the choice--the luxury--to be gentle and kind about it.I wrote in her comments:
This is a great post! Quite frankly, I'm tired of thriftiness, but at this point I think it has seeped into my very bones and even if we do get to a comfortable position someday, I'll keep on "thrifting." I grew up with extremely thrifty parents, not to mention that we *really* didn't have much money. Ever. I do talk about money with the boys and I'm never ashamed of doing it. I just tell them flat out that it's very expensive and we cannot afford it, period. I hope they're learning that we cannot have everything we want. I also talk to them about wastefulness, recycling, etc.Then, only a few days after Aliki posted, Dawn wrote a post titled "I'm afraid of money" in which she discussed that she has a hard time dealing with money and, particularly that "Frugality is grand and all — I will never be a spendthrift — but the anxiety that drives it for me is not so healthy." I totally identified with her post, not that I feel the same anxiety when I buy stuff -- we have made several expensive purchases in the past year, particularly furniture (not to mention how much we spent on the home renovations), but I still feel very anxious about money.
I'm afraid that I, personally, have a negative relationship with money and that's not very good. But I do hope that they [my sons] don't get to be spenders and wasters. I enjoyed to read what the other commenters had to say about this as well.
There's a lot that I could talk about regarding this subject... about my childhood and how few toys we had and how I never asked for anything that I might have wanted. How this awareness that we couldn't afford so many things is still strong in me... It makes me say to my boys "Look, this is expensive," so often that today at the store Linton wanted to put his MiraLax back because, he said "Look mama, it's expensive!" (he really doesn't know what he's saying, obviously, it was only around 5 bucks, but Kelvin does know when something is expensive, like 100+ dollars) and I explained to him that it might be, but we needed to buy it anyway, that it was a necessity so he could use the bathroom without difficulty. I do want to instill in my boys the thought that we don't need to buy all we want, that rampant consumerism is not good and that we must value what we have and try not to spend too much.
I won't have time to go into a detailed description of my relationship with money, suffice it to say that money makes me nervous, but, contradictorily, the thought of having an actual budget and knowing exactly how much we can/ cannot spend is something I have resisted for the longest time. I try not to spend, but once in a while I do buy something and feel a bit guilty about it...
Oh, I remember one of the things I wanted to write. I would have a whole list of complaints if I only had the time to think of them: I've been tired of only buying clothes for me and the boys it the season clearances at the end of the winter and summer, but I just can't bring myself to pay "full price" (whatever that means because prices at big clothing stores such as Kohls are merely "fictional" -- which drives me nuts!) for any clothes. Even 50% discount (of the fictional sky high price) is too much for me. It has to be at 60-80% and then I still have to use my card's 15-30% discount... yeah. That's how we shop for clothes here. (and, Dawn, I don't really buy clothes at thrifty shops much because I can get brand new ones SOOOO cheap, sometimes less than 2 dollars apiece that I just don't feel like getting used ones)
All right, I'm all over the place, but I wanted to end with the fact that interstingly enough, this week Time magazine featured one of my favorite discount grocery stores in an article -- the German store Aldi. I first discovered Aldi when my brother- and sister-in-law were studying in Michigan and living in an incredibly tight budget (it's unbelievable really how my BIL made it through his MA!). It was their store of choice, and I didn't like it much at the time. When we moved to the Philadelphia area there was one a couple of miles from our house and I shopped there very often (and also at our other favorite discount store, which is much harder to find -- Price Rite). In fact, I haven't shopped in regular grocery stores for many years now (I blogged about this back in Nov. 2006 and Lauren liked that post :-) and this summer I was ELATED that I was barely going shopping at all because of the CSA share and the farm stand. It felt great!
So... I guess that at this point I should embrace our triftiness instead of complaining about it, right? It has most certainly served us well and will probably come in handy now!
(and I guess that the whole original point of this post is just moot... ;-)
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Working... Crazy Weekend Ahead
Sigh...
Late again for today's NaBloPoMo's post...
Late again for today's NaBloPoMo's post...
Because I'm getting ready to teach next week. And getting ready to have tons of company this weekend. Hopefully tomorrow I'll be able to come and write a decent post. At least, just like every other time when I had a lame post, you'll at least get a photo:
Fall Foliage
Fall FoliageWednesday, November 12, 2008
A Luna Bar in the Car
This is what my breakfast has been lately, either a Luna Bar (not even the breakfast ones, I don't like those too much. Actually, the only one I really like is the Caramel Nut Brownie) or an apple, eaten in a hurry while driving to the school. Sometimes I eat nuts too (trail mix). And... once in a while, a bagel, which is not easy to eat while driving...
You know... to say that I am not a morning person is a huge understatement. For as long as I can remember I've loathed getting up early in the morning. I went to school in the afternoon until 5th grade (in Brazil you either go to school in the morning, 7-12; or afternoon 1-6 and there's also night school), but I remember having to get up early for piano lessons. All my life I've had trouble eating breakfast early in the morning. I don't feel hungry at all, and most of what I eat makes me feel really nauseated and sometimes I almost vomit (I particularly couldn't stand oatmeal when I was a kid, yuck! I really wish i could it it because it's so healthy! Luckily Linton likes it!).
And then my IBS started back in 2006 (looong story). It only happens in the morning and it's nausea (and vomiting if I eat anything) and loose bowels, and only before 9:30-10 am -- even if I have an attack before then, after that time, I'm fine, I can eat whatever I want. I don't feel sick most mornings, only if I get up earlier than usual (around 6:30 or earlier), but I always dread feeling nauseated or sick, and I get afraid of eating anything. Thus... the Luna Bar in the car...
And the faintness of hunger mid-morning. Problem is, the children do not go to lunch until 12:30 (I know! It's late! some of those children ate around 6:30 or 7 in the morning because they have a long commute, but I don't get to decide that, unfortunately) and eating is not allowed in the classroom. I do break the rule some mornings and eat something (even in front of the kids sometimes, I'm so desperate), but generally I don't. Then I'm starving by lunch, but generally there's so much going on that I loose my appetite... So... let's say that having to go to work early in the morning is not something that works well for me.
I guess that it would probably help if I went to bed earlier, but I never do. My child-free time is precious for me and I cherish it. Sometimes I even get to hang out with my husband for a few minutes... oh well.
Sorry for the whiny post. I wanted to follow it up with one about how I figured out why it makes sense to have a lighter, "American style" lunch... but that will have to wait.
You know... to say that I am not a morning person is a huge understatement. For as long as I can remember I've loathed getting up early in the morning. I went to school in the afternoon until 5th grade (in Brazil you either go to school in the morning, 7-12; or afternoon 1-6 and there's also night school), but I remember having to get up early for piano lessons. All my life I've had trouble eating breakfast early in the morning. I don't feel hungry at all, and most of what I eat makes me feel really nauseated and sometimes I almost vomit (I particularly couldn't stand oatmeal when I was a kid, yuck! I really wish i could it it because it's so healthy! Luckily Linton likes it!).
And then my IBS started back in 2006 (looong story). It only happens in the morning and it's nausea (and vomiting if I eat anything) and loose bowels, and only before 9:30-10 am -- even if I have an attack before then, after that time, I'm fine, I can eat whatever I want. I don't feel sick most mornings, only if I get up earlier than usual (around 6:30 or earlier), but I always dread feeling nauseated or sick, and I get afraid of eating anything. Thus... the Luna Bar in the car...
And the faintness of hunger mid-morning. Problem is, the children do not go to lunch until 12:30 (I know! It's late! some of those children ate around 6:30 or 7 in the morning because they have a long commute, but I don't get to decide that, unfortunately) and eating is not allowed in the classroom. I do break the rule some mornings and eat something (even in front of the kids sometimes, I'm so desperate), but generally I don't. Then I'm starving by lunch, but generally there's so much going on that I loose my appetite... So... let's say that having to go to work early in the morning is not something that works well for me.
I guess that it would probably help if I went to bed earlier, but I never do. My child-free time is precious for me and I cherish it. Sometimes I even get to hang out with my husband for a few minutes... oh well.
Sorry for the whiny post. I wanted to follow it up with one about how I figured out why it makes sense to have a lighter, "American style" lunch... but that will have to wait.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Raking in the Moonlight
It sounds almost poetic, doesn't it? Except that I wasn't just raking, I was also vacuuming the leaves, which is quite noisy (sorry, neighbors!). I had a late start today, at around 4 (yesterday too, since I had to go and buy paper bags), so I worked into the night, up until 8 p.m. because it is supposed to rain on Thursday and I have only tomorrow to finish cleaning the front yard of tons of leaves. The back will have to wait... It's tough doing things around the house when one is working, that's for sure!
I'm really tired, and all dusty and "leafy," but I still have to cook food for us for tomorrow and stay up late I don't know until what time fulfilling the requirement of my week of preparation to teach (online). Not fun at all. Can you tell that I'm not looking forward to this experience? I just can't stand the thought of doing something just for the money... :-( I won't have one moment of relaxation from now on because I will have to be plugged 24/7 to these classes -- if someone asks a question in the forum I am required to respond within 24h... I have a feeling I won't like this, but hopefully it won't be that bad...
Ok, I wish I could stay and chat longer, but I have to go... see ya tomorrow.
P.S. the moonlight was pretty, however, and the profiles of our now bare trees against the moonlit sky looked nice, except that they made me think of all those leaves I am yet to rake, blow, vacuum and bag.
I'm really tired, and all dusty and "leafy," but I still have to cook food for us for tomorrow and stay up late I don't know until what time fulfilling the requirement of my week of preparation to teach (online). Not fun at all. Can you tell that I'm not looking forward to this experience? I just can't stand the thought of doing something just for the money... :-( I won't have one moment of relaxation from now on because I will have to be plugged 24/7 to these classes -- if someone asks a question in the forum I am required to respond within 24h... I have a feeling I won't like this, but hopefully it won't be that bad...
Ok, I wish I could stay and chat longer, but I have to go... see ya tomorrow.
P.S. the moonlight was pretty, however, and the profiles of our now bare trees against the moonlit sky looked nice, except that they made me think of all those leaves I am yet to rake, blow, vacuum and bag.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Photo Update to Old Post
Since I was talking about medical things I began to look at older posts and then I remember that I wanted to post pictures to go with this post about my son's red spotted rash from last July (it was actually all I could manage to post on the 4th of July).
if you're squeamish you may not want to look at them, although the rash is not that bad... It was scary to look at, but it didn't hurt or itch. I'm sure of the culprit -- antibiotics, which made his immune system weaker and thus prone to weird reactions to the virus he had, including something like "benign acute myositis" which he had on the day before the rash appeared.
I just thought I'd plug my old post and its weird rash pictures ;-) and also explain it for those who will get it in their feed readers (I don't know how these things work, but I suppose republications of older things appear, do they?).
if you're squeamish you may not want to look at them, although the rash is not that bad... It was scary to look at, but it didn't hurt or itch. I'm sure of the culprit -- antibiotics, which made his immune system weaker and thus prone to weird reactions to the virus he had, including something like "benign acute myositis" which he had on the day before the rash appeared.
I just thought I'd plug my old post and its weird rash pictures ;-) and also explain it for those who will get it in their feed readers (I don't know how these things work, but I suppose republications of older things appear, do they?).
Since We're Talking About Money...
(first, phew! I'm not a lone parent anymore, K is safely back, and putting the boys to bed. Woo-ho!)
Thanks for your responses to the previous post, and keep 'em coming, please... I think that health care costs is an interesting subject, if worrisome. It's appalling to realize that when an unexpected medical emergency arises, such as it happened to my friend Zee, a family could easily go into absurdly high debt, sometimes so high that they go bankrupt. Wow... And I can only imagine how hard it is to spend money on fertility treatments, Meredith... thanks for chiming in (and good thing Finn is here to prove they were not in vain :-).
So... I guess I never updated the situation about the pay (end of post) at my new "job." As it turns out, a few days after I posted about it, I found out that not only was my hourly pay going down, but that they could only afford to have me work for three days a week. First I was quite upset, because I had been counting on that money, but then, after I had my first weekday at home after over a month, I felt that in the end, having Thursday and Fridays off is not altogether a bad idea. At least I can do laundry more easily, provided Th. and Fridays are sunny days, since I hang the clothes out to dry. It was quite hard to have to wash them at night, and hang them up before 7:30 am. My mom, for one, was very relieved, saying that I would finally be able to handle work and the house... well, I hope so!
Thankfully, I started my preparation week and I begin to "teach" online next week (it still makes me a bit mad to think about this "fake teaching," it's actually called "facilitatin," but that's a subject for another post, and I know I should not be too incisively open about this because if my new prospective employers find out what I think about them, it won't be good... so I won't link to them. You can find out who they are from a link in this post [sixth bullet point]). So, with the work at the school and this online gig, I'll make 2K a month, almost enough to pay the mortgage. And I'm happy with that, I really am. We can make do with that.
I'm just really really really happy that I am working after all, following all my angst about this subject this summer. Because... worrying about money? Is one of the worst feelings EVER for me. I hate money, I really loathe it, but that's subject for another time (one of those "issues" that I've been hesitant about blogging, but hopefully eventually will).
And I'm OK for making very little at this work at the school. It's the most relaxing work I've had in ages, really. I enjoy being with the children, I don't really have to do much in way of preparation, and, most importantly, it doesn't stress me out or leaves me nervous and hesitant. I feel confident that I can do a good job, and I have a good time. I can't really complain, quite the contrary. So, I guess this is it for today. I have a kitchen to clean, and stuff to prepare for my second job. This one, I'm not too keen on... I will keep track of how many hours I'm working to figure out how much I'm making per hour. I know I'm working from home and that I'm not preparing most materials (hardly anything), but still... I don't know if I won't feel a bit exploited. OK, more next time...
Thanks for your responses to the previous post, and keep 'em coming, please... I think that health care costs is an interesting subject, if worrisome. It's appalling to realize that when an unexpected medical emergency arises, such as it happened to my friend Zee, a family could easily go into absurdly high debt, sometimes so high that they go bankrupt. Wow... And I can only imagine how hard it is to spend money on fertility treatments, Meredith... thanks for chiming in (and good thing Finn is here to prove they were not in vain :-).
So... I guess I never updated the situation about the pay (end of post) at my new "job." As it turns out, a few days after I posted about it, I found out that not only was my hourly pay going down, but that they could only afford to have me work for three days a week. First I was quite upset, because I had been counting on that money, but then, after I had my first weekday at home after over a month, I felt that in the end, having Thursday and Fridays off is not altogether a bad idea. At least I can do laundry more easily, provided Th. and Fridays are sunny days, since I hang the clothes out to dry. It was quite hard to have to wash them at night, and hang them up before 7:30 am. My mom, for one, was very relieved, saying that I would finally be able to handle work and the house... well, I hope so!
Thankfully, I started my preparation week and I begin to "teach" online next week (it still makes me a bit mad to think about this "fake teaching," it's actually called "facilitatin," but that's a subject for another post, and I know I should not be too incisively open about this because if my new prospective employers find out what I think about them, it won't be good... so I won't link to them. You can find out who they are from a link in this post [sixth bullet point]). So, with the work at the school and this online gig, I'll make 2K a month, almost enough to pay the mortgage. And I'm happy with that, I really am. We can make do with that.
I'm just really really really happy that I am working after all, following all my angst about this subject this summer. Because... worrying about money? Is one of the worst feelings EVER for me. I hate money, I really loathe it, but that's subject for another time (one of those "issues" that I've been hesitant about blogging, but hopefully eventually will).
And I'm OK for making very little at this work at the school. It's the most relaxing work I've had in ages, really. I enjoy being with the children, I don't really have to do much in way of preparation, and, most importantly, it doesn't stress me out or leaves me nervous and hesitant. I feel confident that I can do a good job, and I have a good time. I can't really complain, quite the contrary. So, I guess this is it for today. I have a kitchen to clean, and stuff to prepare for my second job. This one, I'm not too keen on... I will keep track of how many hours I'm working to figure out how much I'm making per hour. I know I'm working from home and that I'm not preparing most materials (hardly anything), but still... I don't know if I won't feel a bit exploited. OK, more next time...
Sunday, November 09, 2008
Picking up the Tab :-(
One of the things that came in the mail last Thursday was from the hospital where K had his appendectomy. The moment I saw it I knew it was a bill... and I also got curious to find out how much it had cost. The funny thing is that this summer there was an article on the Philly Mag about health insurance and it featured precisely an appendectomy (the author's daughter's), so I am aware that the total there is NOT what the insurance company (IC) paid because the hospitals actually have contracts with each IC and they pay only what has been previously stipulated. Very complicated, that was the whole point of that article.
Well, take a look:
Now... the "co-pay" or whatever what we need to pay is called did surprise me (although we haven't yet called the insurance company or the hospital or K's former employer to make sure that we really have to be 1K poorer because of this)... I thought that a fancy-schmanzy plan like the one K had at Big Pharma wouldn't charge us that much and I feel terrified at the thought of how much would the tab be on another less comprehensive insurance.
I also felt a bit disappointed that his appendicitis happened while he was still under his old insurance because I suspect that his insurance plan at the university might now have had such a co-pay (we paid nothing when he had the surgery in his wrist, but then, he also didn't stay two nights in the hospital... or maybe I'm wrong, maybe we paid a couple hundred dollars... I can't remember). Well, we never had co-pays when we had the student insurance at our old universty, but then, again our grad student union was AWESOME and made sure we had free and comprehensive health and dental insurance. Oh... I miss that and no-copays...
Anyway, I have a question for you... what was the costliest and scariest copay or hospital bill tab you ever had to face?
Well, take a look:
Now... the "co-pay" or whatever what we need to pay is called did surprise me (although we haven't yet called the insurance company or the hospital or K's former employer to make sure that we really have to be 1K poorer because of this)... I thought that a fancy-schmanzy plan like the one K had at Big Pharma wouldn't charge us that much and I feel terrified at the thought of how much would the tab be on another less comprehensive insurance.
I also felt a bit disappointed that his appendicitis happened while he was still under his old insurance because I suspect that his insurance plan at the university might now have had such a co-pay (we paid nothing when he had the surgery in his wrist, but then, he also didn't stay two nights in the hospital... or maybe I'm wrong, maybe we paid a couple hundred dollars... I can't remember). Well, we never had co-pays when we had the student insurance at our old universty, but then, again our grad student union was AWESOME and made sure we had free and comprehensive health and dental insurance. Oh... I miss that and no-copays...
Anyway, I have a question for you... what was the costliest and scariest copay or hospital bill tab you ever had to face?
Saturday, November 08, 2008
the disconnects in my life
for some reason I feel like not using capitalization today... bear with me, ok?
opening remarks:
this post will, in fact, be a mere draft of what I really want and need to write about this subject.... although most of it I really do not and will not, in fact, get to blog about. It's just too complicated, too personal, and too... well, perhaps polarizing to get into here.
backtracking a bit...
finding connections between all aspects of my life, having things come together so I feel whole has always been a big part of my journaling/ diary writing.
there were some key moments in my life in which this happened in such a strong way that I'll never forget.
1990 or 91, September, I think, I had just come back from one of several life-changing choir trips [we would travel for many hours by bus and thus get to have many deep conversations, as well as play games and have fun] and when I came home I found a letter from one of my dear friends (I really need to write about her someday) who lived abroad which, in turn, led me to reflect on all my friendships in a way I had not done in a long time.
1993, August... after spending four weeks traveling around the U.S. with my boyfriend (now husband) and his family and then 20 more days by myself on my uncle's D.C. area home and my aunt's Miami area house, on the night before coming back I reflected on the trip and how it had just changed my life forever (little did I know how much! ;-)
so... these moments stand there... like beautiful and precious shiny stones. And there are many others, the night I describe in this key post (go read it right now! It's about how blogging changed my life!!! ;-) was one of them.
~ ~ ~ ~
right now, I want to write a few of my thoughts about the extreme opposite, something that has been taking over my life as of late -- how disconnected the various part of my life feel and how fragmented and torn that makes me feel.
there are the most obvious disconnects caused by my status as an expatriate person -- I am disconnected from my country and, at the same time, from this "new" country -- I will never fit in perfectly in either one. I feel torn between two languages... the tagline of this blog explores these disconnects well (it reads for now, and I know change on it is overdue :
far worse than all these disconnects is one that has been creeping upon me slowly in the past years of my life and which I will quickly mention, but not really elaborate on. my connection to organized religion is something that's not only a conscious choice and something which I value (in spite of the many disagreements that I have with the organization and even with certain things within broader christianity), but also part of our families, of our culture, really... it's a reality that seems to have seeped into our very bones. and I don't mind that, I really don't. the benefits far outweigh the problems and I don't really question this aspect of my life, or the everyday effects of it in my life
as my intellectual self has developed and my social life has expanded through blogging in never before imagined ways I changed in profound ways. I have come to understand that the exclusive way in which religious people tend to view the world and themselves is very limiting and sometimes even contrary to the tenets of religion itself... and the divide between myself and the people that I interact with in that context has grown and grown... (except for a few friends whose journeys are similar and who have been undergoing the same changes and struggles). the differences and struggles that *I* personally have with a certain view do not bother me, but the disconnect from people that I care about and interact with does.
today it hit me that I was probably one of the only (or few) people in a whole group that was thrilled with the outcome of this election. I tried to talk about it with some Brazilian friends, but I just had to be quiet after they brought up this issue and I had not prepared myself for such a discussion (and BTW, that link is from a person I respect greatly and whose views on religion I mostly share, reading that helped me understand better how I should deal with this touchy subject in the future)...
anyway... there were many other things that I felt today related to this issue... I don't like to feel fragmented and disconnected like that.... but I guess it's part and parcel of these post modern times ;-)
and again I finish writing this after midnight... I guess the NaBloPoMo folks will just have to forgive me again ;-)
opening remarks:
this post will, in fact, be a mere draft of what I really want and need to write about this subject.... although most of it I really do not and will not, in fact, get to blog about. It's just too complicated, too personal, and too... well, perhaps polarizing to get into here.
backtracking a bit...
finding connections between all aspects of my life, having things come together so I feel whole has always been a big part of my journaling/ diary writing.
there were some key moments in my life in which this happened in such a strong way that I'll never forget.
1990 or 91, September, I think, I had just come back from one of several life-changing choir trips [we would travel for many hours by bus and thus get to have many deep conversations, as well as play games and have fun] and when I came home I found a letter from one of my dear friends (I really need to write about her someday) who lived abroad which, in turn, led me to reflect on all my friendships in a way I had not done in a long time.
1993, August... after spending four weeks traveling around the U.S. with my boyfriend (now husband) and his family and then 20 more days by myself on my uncle's D.C. area home and my aunt's Miami area house, on the night before coming back I reflected on the trip and how it had just changed my life forever (little did I know how much! ;-)
so... these moments stand there... like beautiful and precious shiny stones. And there are many others, the night I describe in this key post (go read it right now! It's about how blogging changed my life!!! ;-) was one of them.
~ ~ ~ ~
right now, I want to write a few of my thoughts about the extreme opposite, something that has been taking over my life as of late -- how disconnected the various part of my life feel and how fragmented and torn that makes me feel.
there are the most obvious disconnects caused by my status as an expatriate person -- I am disconnected from my country and, at the same time, from this "new" country -- I will never fit in perfectly in either one. I feel torn between two languages... the tagline of this blog explores these disconnects well (it reads for now, and I know change on it is overdue :
A mother (mamãe) of two boys (born in March 2002 and May 2004) between two languages (Portuguese and English), two countries (Brazil and the U.S.), two "worlds" (academic/ home-front). After being a doctoral student for 10 years she is now trying to figure out what to do next with her life now that her husband (who also used to be a foreign student) finally got a job and she has a "useless" Ph.D.).there are also the funny disconnect between my "virtual life" through blogging and my blogging friends and my everyday life. although this one is not really a problem and more of a "solution"
far worse than all these disconnects is one that has been creeping upon me slowly in the past years of my life and which I will quickly mention, but not really elaborate on. my connection to organized religion is something that's not only a conscious choice and something which I value (in spite of the many disagreements that I have with the organization and even with certain things within broader christianity), but also part of our families, of our culture, really... it's a reality that seems to have seeped into our very bones. and I don't mind that, I really don't. the benefits far outweigh the problems and I don't really question this aspect of my life, or the everyday effects of it in my life
as my intellectual self has developed and my social life has expanded through blogging in never before imagined ways I changed in profound ways. I have come to understand that the exclusive way in which religious people tend to view the world and themselves is very limiting and sometimes even contrary to the tenets of religion itself... and the divide between myself and the people that I interact with in that context has grown and grown... (except for a few friends whose journeys are similar and who have been undergoing the same changes and struggles). the differences and struggles that *I* personally have with a certain view do not bother me, but the disconnect from people that I care about and interact with does.
today it hit me that I was probably one of the only (or few) people in a whole group that was thrilled with the outcome of this election. I tried to talk about it with some Brazilian friends, but I just had to be quiet after they brought up this issue and I had not prepared myself for such a discussion (and BTW, that link is from a person I respect greatly and whose views on religion I mostly share, reading that helped me understand better how I should deal with this touchy subject in the future)...
anyway... there were many other things that I felt today related to this issue... I don't like to feel fragmented and disconnected like that.... but I guess it's part and parcel of these post modern times ;-)
and again I finish writing this after midnight... I guess the NaBloPoMo folks will just have to forgive me again ;-)
Friday, November 07, 2008
Time to Be Alone and Reflect (or Daydream)
I've been having a lovely and rare evening of alone time right now, which lends well to introspection. K is in Brazil again, and the two little boys who came from inside my womb have long been asleep. You see, I took them to the new Please Touch Museum this afternoon and they had a great time playing and running around. We ate crackers, apples and cake in the car before starting the drive home and they ended up sleeping on the way, Linton around 6:30 and Kelvin before 7. I thought they would wake up when we got here, but I didn't turn any lights on and held Linton on my lap, bringing him straight to our bed (where I knew he'd sleep without complaining). He asked for water and that was it. Kelvin didn't even wake up when I transfered him from the car to bed.
What luxury... I've already had over two hours of quiet blog reading and facebook surfing (looking at photos of my friend, including some blog friends [thanks Jo(e)!]) and it's just 9:30!! This usually doesn't happen until 11 pm on other days. I talked briefly with K on the phone and although I should be cooking for church potluck tomorrow, I just made a big bowl of popcorn and ate in front of the computer. Next, I want to listen to some music, perhaps look at old photos and, hopefully, find some motivation to write in my journal. What I really need tons of motivation for, though, is to deal with all the leaves in our 0.74 acre yard and cleaning and organizing our basment before the holidays. ;-)
Instead (not that I'd be doing those things right now), I'm daydreaming with a plan that I concocted yesterday, while looking at photos of friends on orkut (the "facebook" of Brazilian folks, there are millions of them in there, and I've been able to find friends from my childhood I hadn't seen in over 25 years. I LOVE the internets!!!). We were planning a good two weeks with family here during the holidays, but as it turns out, my brother- and sister-in-law's greencards finally arrived and they decided to travel to Brazil soon after Christmas. That left us a week wide open and while looking at our friends' photos last night (or on Wed. night, can't remember) I had this sudden idea that we should drive down to Florida for a week to see these dear friends we haven't seen since August 2006!!!! I'm so excited! I wish we had more time because driving will take a full day or maybe more, but I still think it's worth it.
I love these plans that come out of nowhere, like my idea that we should travel to Europe in 2000 (you can read more about these sudden plans, and those that follow in the account of my journey to have a baby [babies] while in grad school) and, most of all, I love to plan future trips because traveling is one of the things I love the most in life. We haven't done any big trips in a while... in 2000 K and I backpacked for a month in Europe, in 2001 we went to London for a week, in 2003, when Kelvin was 13 months, we traveled for 3 weeks with my parents through the southwest/ west, visiting 7 National Parks, then, in 2006 we went to Florida for a couple of weeks. I don't really count the trips to Brazil because they're not nearly as exciting to us since we go every year, or the two quick trips to Nashville in Oct. 06 and April 08 (too short). This trip will be short too, but in the absence of any other ones, it will have to do.
Here are some of the trips that I dream of doing in the future:
- visiting Europe with the boys and/or my parents,
- going to Seattle, Vancouver, Calgary and doing the amazing Jasper-Banff trip to see those amazingly colored glacier lakes.
- going back to Yellowstone, Grand Canyon, Bryce, Zion, and other National parks with the boys
- travel through California, particularly the northern part which we haven't visited yet... San Francisco, Yosemite, etc.
- going to Mexico
- going (preferably multiple times and to multiple countries) to the Caribeean [this, right now, is close to #1 in my list)
Interestingly enough, although I know that we will probably visit my brother in New Zealand, and I kind of wish we could visit my BIL, SIL and new nephew in Turkey, I don't feel these are really places that are high in my priority list. I don't lament at all not having been to China while my brother lived there in the past two years.
All right, this post is getting really long and I have a slight headache, so I will prepare a cup of tea and take a long shower... heavenly, no?
Really... I'm just so elated for this stress free evening! I think I totally deserved it. A friend and mom of one of Kelvin's classmates (ha, and my student) told me they're planning to go to Please Touch on Sunday and I think we'll join them, even though it'll be crowded (I can't stand crowded places and I avoid them like the plague). OK... have a good weekend everyone! (although I think I'm the only person in my blogging acquaintance that spends time on blogs on the weekend ;-)
[and it took me precisely 30 minutes to write his post]
What luxury... I've already had over two hours of quiet blog reading and facebook surfing (looking at photos of my friend, including some blog friends [thanks Jo(e)!]) and it's just 9:30!! This usually doesn't happen until 11 pm on other days. I talked briefly with K on the phone and although I should be cooking for church potluck tomorrow, I just made a big bowl of popcorn and ate in front of the computer. Next, I want to listen to some music, perhaps look at old photos and, hopefully, find some motivation to write in my journal. What I really need tons of motivation for, though, is to deal with all the leaves in our 0.74 acre yard and cleaning and organizing our basment before the holidays. ;-)
Instead (not that I'd be doing those things right now), I'm daydreaming with a plan that I concocted yesterday, while looking at photos of friends on orkut (the "facebook" of Brazilian folks, there are millions of them in there, and I've been able to find friends from my childhood I hadn't seen in over 25 years. I LOVE the internets!!!). We were planning a good two weeks with family here during the holidays, but as it turns out, my brother- and sister-in-law's greencards finally arrived and they decided to travel to Brazil soon after Christmas. That left us a week wide open and while looking at our friends' photos last night (or on Wed. night, can't remember) I had this sudden idea that we should drive down to Florida for a week to see these dear friends we haven't seen since August 2006!!!! I'm so excited! I wish we had more time because driving will take a full day or maybe more, but I still think it's worth it.
I love these plans that come out of nowhere, like my idea that we should travel to Europe in 2000 (you can read more about these sudden plans, and those that follow in the account of my journey to have a baby [babies] while in grad school) and, most of all, I love to plan future trips because traveling is one of the things I love the most in life. We haven't done any big trips in a while... in 2000 K and I backpacked for a month in Europe, in 2001 we went to London for a week, in 2003, when Kelvin was 13 months, we traveled for 3 weeks with my parents through the southwest/ west, visiting 7 National Parks, then, in 2006 we went to Florida for a couple of weeks. I don't really count the trips to Brazil because they're not nearly as exciting to us since we go every year, or the two quick trips to Nashville in Oct. 06 and April 08 (too short). This trip will be short too, but in the absence of any other ones, it will have to do.
Here are some of the trips that I dream of doing in the future:
- visiting Europe with the boys and/or my parents,
- going to Seattle, Vancouver, Calgary and doing the amazing Jasper-Banff trip to see those amazingly colored glacier lakes.
- going back to Yellowstone, Grand Canyon, Bryce, Zion, and other National parks with the boys
- travel through California, particularly the northern part which we haven't visited yet... San Francisco, Yosemite, etc.
- going to Mexico
- going (preferably multiple times and to multiple countries) to the Caribeean [this, right now, is close to #1 in my list)
Interestingly enough, although I know that we will probably visit my brother in New Zealand, and I kind of wish we could visit my BIL, SIL and new nephew in Turkey, I don't feel these are really places that are high in my priority list. I don't lament at all not having been to China while my brother lived there in the past two years.
All right, this post is getting really long and I have a slight headache, so I will prepare a cup of tea and take a long shower... heavenly, no?
Really... I'm just so elated for this stress free evening! I think I totally deserved it. A friend and mom of one of Kelvin's classmates (ha, and my student) told me they're planning to go to Please Touch on Sunday and I think we'll join them, even though it'll be crowded (I can't stand crowded places and I avoid them like the plague). OK... have a good weekend everyone! (although I think I'm the only person in my blogging acquaintance that spends time on blogs on the weekend ;-)
[and it took me precisely 30 minutes to write his post]
Thursday, November 06, 2008
71 Years Ago Today
My daddy was born... 
... and since last year we could not celebrate properly his 70th birthday because of some unfortunate and life-shattering events*[go to the end of the post for the story and an update] that happened two weeks before (and only a week before K lost his job), I want to write a post full of old photographs to celebrate him, his life, and his family.
Our family is really really lucky to have several really old photos, particularly of my dad's family (I've shown you some of my mom's last week). Here is my dad as a newborn, first a close up with his mom, who was just so young -- she looks like a teenage girl! (I have to check with my dad how old she was, probably 19 or 20) and the full photo, with a friend of the family to the right, holding dad's wobbly newborn head, and his grandma to the left:
My grandma breastfed my dad until he was four, just like Kelvin, dad's first grandson! (we sometimes joke that my dad is so calm because of all these years nursing)
Here is the whole family at the time, with four of their eight children, the first three boys and the newborn first daughter. My dad was their second live child and he's the cute one right in between his mom and dad (apparently he's always been the favorite son):
Their first child had actually been a daughter too, but she died in infancy. My grandma was only 15 or 16 and she told me last year she didn't know how to breastfeed and what to do. 
She laments to this day that she was still a child and that the death of her first child could have been avoided. She told me that one of her breasts got so engorged that it had an abscess that had to be cut open and drained. Then she had to breastfeed all her children with only ONE breast! (I've inserted a close up of my dad to the right)
And here is a lovely photo of the three older boys in the family and their cousin Marilu, my dad is in the center:
Weren't these German/Polish Brazilian kids cute?
Another close up of my dad:
The family again, now with six children (the oldest boy was away in boarding school). Dad is the lanky boy in Grandpa Adolfo's side, wearing a short suit:
Today they're celebrating dad's birthday in Curitiba (where most of our extended family lives) with my aunt, the one with the bow in the photo above. They had lunch out with her and her husband at a nice restaurant and right now they're probably at my cousin's house, meeting the new baby, daddy's "grand-niece." I wish I could be there too! Good think my brother (who lives in New Zealand now), is in Brazil on a business trip and will get to see my parents this weekend!
Well, Happy Birthday Daddy!! I will call you later today so I can sing Happy Birthday and talk to you on the phone. I love you!
* What happened was that my dad, driving pretty fast at night in a darkened road, hit a man who was walking pulling a bike in the middle of the road and the 59 year old man (who was drunk when struck) died two days later. My dad, who is one of the kindest and most compassionate people I know was utterly devastated. My parents have been since helping the man's widow, who is miserably poor and has a six year old son (Kelvin's age), a teenage daughter, and an older son, by paying her rent as well as bringing her food and other necessities. A couple of weeks ago my dad used up most of his savings to buy a small house for her -- he had been anxious all year long about this. The civil process is still going on, but the house will most probably legally become the settlement for the accident and the death. Since these legal procedures take so long and the family is not pressing criminal charges against my dad, he wanted purchase a house as soon as possible and I'm sure he is relieved that she has a place to call her own now. The hardest part will be helping her to keep a job (she currently works at the town hall, probably as a cleaning lady or something, but apparently the town will be laying off a lot of people). I think that for the rest of his life my dad will be helping this poor woman and her family, although after the settlement he won't be required by law to do it (and, of course, neither is he required now, but he just can't help it but do it).
Edited to add:
First, thanks for the comment, Dawn! As for your question regarding how my dad is doing emotionally, I think he is doing fine although I am sure he has his ups and downs and is certainly haunted by this horrible experience. He was very fragile when I visited them briefly last year less than two weeks after the accident and my mom was very worried about him. During the four months that they were here earlier this year he was his old self again and this past June I got to go to the widow's house with him once and see how nervous he gets. At his lawyer's advice he wouldn't go talk to her, so I dropped off the food and got to see, for a brief moment, how terribly poor they are. Too bad I was so nervous and didn't stay and really talk to her, these situations of being keenly aware of one's privilege are so uncomfortable, aren' they?
I guess that now with the house, things have changed and dad is probably more directly in touch with the widow. My mom frequently tells me how he is going to town to do something for her. I'm sure that this makes him feel better and more emotionally whole. He is not one to talk about his feelings much, he is the type of person who blocks painful memories and he simply doesn't remember certain negative experiences from the past (my mom is the opposite, and I guess I fall in between), so we've never really talked much about it. My mom can usually tell when he has pent up feelings that are just overwhelming to him, but which he still won't share or admit. I was afraid when the accident happened that he wouldn't be able to be happy and enjoy life again, but thankfully that is not the case. It's a cliche, but it's true that time does heal most wounds, I guess.
... and since last year we could not celebrate properly his 70th birthday because of some unfortunate and life-shattering events*[go to the end of the post for the story and an update] that happened two weeks before (and only a week before K lost his job), I want to write a post full of old photographs to celebrate him, his life, and his family.Our family is really really lucky to have several really old photos, particularly of my dad's family (I've shown you some of my mom's last week). Here is my dad as a newborn, first a close up with his mom, who was just so young -- she looks like a teenage girl! (I have to check with my dad how old she was, probably 19 or 20) and the full photo, with a friend of the family to the right, holding dad's wobbly newborn head, and his grandma to the left:
My grandma breastfed my dad until he was four, just like Kelvin, dad's first grandson! (we sometimes joke that my dad is so calm because of all these years nursing)Here is the whole family at the time, with four of their eight children, the first three boys and the newborn first daughter. My dad was their second live child and he's the cute one right in between his mom and dad (apparently he's always been the favorite son):
Their first child had actually been a daughter too, but she died in infancy. My grandma was only 15 or 16 and she told me last year she didn't know how to breastfeed and what to do. 
She laments to this day that she was still a child and that the death of her first child could have been avoided. She told me that one of her breasts got so engorged that it had an abscess that had to be cut open and drained. Then she had to breastfeed all her children with only ONE breast! (I've inserted a close up of my dad to the right)And here is a lovely photo of the three older boys in the family and their cousin Marilu, my dad is in the center:
Weren't these German/Polish Brazilian kids cute?
Another close up of my dad:
The family again, now with six children (the oldest boy was away in boarding school). Dad is the lanky boy in Grandpa Adolfo's side, wearing a short suit:
Today they're celebrating dad's birthday in Curitiba (where most of our extended family lives) with my aunt, the one with the bow in the photo above. They had lunch out with her and her husband at a nice restaurant and right now they're probably at my cousin's house, meeting the new baby, daddy's "grand-niece." I wish I could be there too! Good think my brother (who lives in New Zealand now), is in Brazil on a business trip and will get to see my parents this weekend!Well, Happy Birthday Daddy!! I will call you later today so I can sing Happy Birthday and talk to you on the phone. I love you!
* What happened was that my dad, driving pretty fast at night in a darkened road, hit a man who was walking pulling a bike in the middle of the road and the 59 year old man (who was drunk when struck) died two days later. My dad, who is one of the kindest and most compassionate people I know was utterly devastated. My parents have been since helping the man's widow, who is miserably poor and has a six year old son (Kelvin's age), a teenage daughter, and an older son, by paying her rent as well as bringing her food and other necessities. A couple of weeks ago my dad used up most of his savings to buy a small house for her -- he had been anxious all year long about this. The civil process is still going on, but the house will most probably legally become the settlement for the accident and the death. Since these legal procedures take so long and the family is not pressing criminal charges against my dad, he wanted purchase a house as soon as possible and I'm sure he is relieved that she has a place to call her own now. The hardest part will be helping her to keep a job (she currently works at the town hall, probably as a cleaning lady or something, but apparently the town will be laying off a lot of people). I think that for the rest of his life my dad will be helping this poor woman and her family, although after the settlement he won't be required by law to do it (and, of course, neither is he required now, but he just can't help it but do it).
Edited to add:
First, thanks for the comment, Dawn! As for your question regarding how my dad is doing emotionally, I think he is doing fine although I am sure he has his ups and downs and is certainly haunted by this horrible experience. He was very fragile when I visited them briefly last year less than two weeks after the accident and my mom was very worried about him. During the four months that they were here earlier this year he was his old self again and this past June I got to go to the widow's house with him once and see how nervous he gets. At his lawyer's advice he wouldn't go talk to her, so I dropped off the food and got to see, for a brief moment, how terribly poor they are. Too bad I was so nervous and didn't stay and really talk to her, these situations of being keenly aware of one's privilege are so uncomfortable, aren' they?
I guess that now with the house, things have changed and dad is probably more directly in touch with the widow. My mom frequently tells me how he is going to town to do something for her. I'm sure that this makes him feel better and more emotionally whole. He is not one to talk about his feelings much, he is the type of person who blocks painful memories and he simply doesn't remember certain negative experiences from the past (my mom is the opposite, and I guess I fall in between), so we've never really talked much about it. My mom can usually tell when he has pent up feelings that are just overwhelming to him, but which he still won't share or admit. I was afraid when the accident happened that he wouldn't be able to be happy and enjoy life again, but thankfully that is not the case. It's a cliche, but it's true that time does heal most wounds, I guess.
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
Dreaming of Academia
Over two weeks ago I sent out a fellowship application* and I felt so motivated and excited about my work! It felt energizing and just GREAT to get back in touch with my "academic identity," so much so that the jaded, embittered person you've seen in this blog ranting about academia (here and here, there, every where you turn, 33 posts and counting ;-) almost vanished into thin air... at least for a few days.
I wrote a good research proposal, one that my harshest committee member thought it was excellent (she also said her letter was also very strong -- yay!) and I am confident that I have a chance... particularly because there are 5 positions. Of course there might be hundreds of applications, but let me think positively about it, at least for now. In December we'll know.
Of course part of the enthusiasm has also evaporated by now, but on those days I was really pumped, truly dreaming of academia. The dream was very palpable when I was writing the proposal, I could feel the excitement building, the butterfly in my stomachs in thinking of teaching at an Ivy League school, even if only in as a postdoc on a one year fellowship. I had/have this feeling that this one thing would open so many doors for me -- but maybe it's just an illusion, maybe I don't really have a shot.
I began to daydream about going to campus everyday with K and also fret and make all kinds of plans on what to do about the boys, etc. The commute is a KILLER -- 3 hours round trip on public transportation (including a 20 minute car ride to the train), and since we'd try to tag-team parent (like my friend Alissa and her husband, the original "prototypes" of academic tag team parenting :-), driving (which takes only 40 minutes) wouldn't be an option every day. Anyway... it is/was all useless fretting until I know if I get in. I'm not overly confident, but hoping is never a bad thing, right? Obama was elected president because of the people who dared to hope and to dream.
Hopefully my (and K's too) academic dream will come true someday!
* I was going to link to it, but if I get in, you'll find out my super-duper-secret identity ;-)
I wrote a good research proposal, one that my harshest committee member thought it was excellent (she also said her letter was also very strong -- yay!) and I am confident that I have a chance... particularly because there are 5 positions. Of course there might be hundreds of applications, but let me think positively about it, at least for now. In December we'll know.
Of course part of the enthusiasm has also evaporated by now, but on those days I was really pumped, truly dreaming of academia. The dream was very palpable when I was writing the proposal, I could feel the excitement building, the butterfly in my stomachs in thinking of teaching at an Ivy League school, even if only in as a postdoc on a one year fellowship. I had/have this feeling that this one thing would open so many doors for me -- but maybe it's just an illusion, maybe I don't really have a shot.
I began to daydream about going to campus everyday with K and also fret and make all kinds of plans on what to do about the boys, etc. The commute is a KILLER -- 3 hours round trip on public transportation (including a 20 minute car ride to the train), and since we'd try to tag-team parent (like my friend Alissa and her husband, the original "prototypes" of academic tag team parenting :-), driving (which takes only 40 minutes) wouldn't be an option every day. Anyway... it is/was all useless fretting until I know if I get in. I'm not overly confident, but hoping is never a bad thing, right? Obama was elected president because of the people who dared to hope and to dream.
Hopefully my (and K's too) academic dream will come true someday!
* I was going to link to it, but if I get in, you'll find out my super-duper-secret identity ;-)
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
It's Official!! Obama is the Next President!
And I'm so glad I can wake up my son tomorrow morning and tell him that he got his wish:
(he wrote that this evening and taped it to the wall next to our computer -- earlier, he'd written it on his magna doodle, but I can't post pictures because he signed his full name ;-)
I'm thrilled to be living this historical moment! K was right when he came back from anesthesia, wasn't he, he was just a bit over a month too early? Well, I've just watched McCain's speech, so I'll publish this so I can go watch more and see our new president!!
(he wrote that this evening and taped it to the wall next to our computer -- earlier, he'd written it on his magna doodle, but I can't post pictures because he signed his full name ;-)I'm thrilled to be living this historical moment! K was right when he came back from anesthesia, wasn't he, he was just a bit over a month too early? Well, I've just watched McCain's speech, so I'll publish this so I can go watch more and see our new president!!
Monday, November 03, 2008
I Really Wish I Could Vote...
... But I have to wait for five more years, much too late even for the next presidential (re)election. :-( Well, if we could wait for twelve years to officially become immigrants, five years won't be that long a wait for citizenship. This reminds me of my Israeli friend who was only a resident for many years until she finally got her citizenship just in time to vote in 2004.
Anyway... I am excited about tomorrow's election, but also a bit apprehensive because the stakes are so high and previous elections were so problematic, particularly the one in 2000. I am also so sorry that if Obama wins he cannot share this joyful moment with his grandmother. :-(
So... as you vote tomorrow, think of me, because I can't do it, I still "don't count" (I'm not even allowed to donate money to a candidate's campaign -- it's illegal!), but someday I will.
Anyway... I am excited about tomorrow's election, but also a bit apprehensive because the stakes are so high and previous elections were so problematic, particularly the one in 2000. I am also so sorry that if Obama wins he cannot share this joyful moment with his grandmother. :-(
So... as you vote tomorrow, think of me, because I can't do it, I still "don't count" (I'm not even allowed to donate money to a candidate's campaign -- it's illegal!), but someday I will.
Sunday, November 02, 2008
Ooops!
I almost missed posting on the second day of the "all important" NaBloPoMo 08, but thanks for the ability of manipulating the time in Blogger, I can artificially conceal the fact that I'm 20 minutes late. But then, I dumbly reveal it in the post itself ;-)
Not that it matters because less than 10 people read this blog anyway (OK, I know maybe a bit more, thanks for hanging in there! :-)
So... I'm late and it's all Jon Stewart's fault! Because I fully intended to post after we got home from almost the whole day out (Longwood Gardens, eating out -- finally using a gift certificate that I got when I graduated, which reminds me that I never posted any photos of commencement, right? Yeah... I never really got to post all I wanted to post after May... Brazil trip, then, crazy busy home renovations, then, back to work unexpectedly. So, I'm still trying to catch up). See? These long sentences and digressions, that's probably what's discouraging any readership (just kidding again).
So, there you go, I've posted and now I've got to go (back to) to bed (yes, I got up to get this belated post out). I need to be at school 7:30 tomorrow.
Not that it matters because less than 10 people read this blog anyway (OK, I know maybe a bit more, thanks for hanging in there! :-)
So... I'm late and it's all Jon Stewart's fault! Because I fully intended to post after we got home from almost the whole day out (Longwood Gardens, eating out -- finally using a gift certificate that I got when I graduated, which reminds me that I never posted any photos of commencement, right? Yeah... I never really got to post all I wanted to post after May... Brazil trip, then, crazy busy home renovations, then, back to work unexpectedly. So, I'm still trying to catch up). See? These long sentences and digressions, that's probably what's discouraging any readership (just kidding again).
So, there you go, I've posted and now I've got to go (back to) to bed (yes, I got up to get this belated post out). I need to be at school 7:30 tomorrow.
Saturday, November 01, 2008
The Best for Last
(the end, at least temporarily, of our milestones series)
Do any of you believe that everything (or at least some things) happens for a reason? Well... maybe I don't agree with that idea all the time, but sometimes it is interesting to see something good come out of a bad thing, and, in retrospect, wonder whether something happened because of something else.
I'm positive that this is not why K had an appendectomy, but it is true that his surgery led to a VERY BIG milestone in our family! Do you remember what I said in the past about our family having a specific and very annoying problem? So... unbelievably this problem was solved, but it took a surgery and having daddy home for several days to get Linton to finally succeed in pooping in the potty.
I don't know how K did it, and neither does he, I guess, because he said that he didn't have any more patience left. With his abdomen still painful and healing, he sat at the toilet for almost an hour while Linton was in his little potty and... nothing. They read many books, they talked, and nothing... So K, tired and achy, got up to get him a chocolate (this bombom [site with sound] from Brazil) as a reward if he did it, and... lo and behold! Linton had gone on the potty while K went to the kitchen and came back!!! Then the next day he did it again, this time on the toilet...
I could hardly believe it!!! He dutifully asked for his present, and we got him a Hot Wheels ramp (the boys' first Hot Wheels paraphernalia). It was harder to get him to go potty at school, or even with me at home, but in the end it did work. Slowly but surely he began to be more and more comfortable. In the meantime, we had a small problem at school -- he used the little kids' toilet and it got clogged (!! -- tiny boy, but adult sized production ;-), so now he only uses the normal sized one. And we still have to give him MiraLax once in a while because he only goes a few times a week, but things are incredibly better! I cannot believe that we don't need more diapers in this house!!!! YAY!!!
Too bad it took us over 6.5 years to be finally able to say this... roughly 4.5 years for each boy. And to think that earlier this year, months before he turned TWO, my second nephew (at the time the youngest) was FULLY potty trained :-(
[to say that I was envious is an understatement, obviously]
I wish lots of luck to my SIL and my dear, adorable third nephew...
And... ahhh... the things we talk about when we become parents! Potty training as blog fodder... OK, as "mommy blogger" fodder ;-)
Do any of you believe that everything (or at least some things) happens for a reason? Well... maybe I don't agree with that idea all the time, but sometimes it is interesting to see something good come out of a bad thing, and, in retrospect, wonder whether something happened because of something else.
I'm positive that this is not why K had an appendectomy, but it is true that his surgery led to a VERY BIG milestone in our family! Do you remember what I said in the past about our family having a specific and very annoying problem? So... unbelievably this problem was solved, but it took a surgery and having daddy home for several days to get Linton to finally succeed in pooping in the potty.
I don't know how K did it, and neither does he, I guess, because he said that he didn't have any more patience left. With his abdomen still painful and healing, he sat at the toilet for almost an hour while Linton was in his little potty and... nothing. They read many books, they talked, and nothing... So K, tired and achy, got up to get him a chocolate (this bombom [site with sound] from Brazil) as a reward if he did it, and... lo and behold! Linton had gone on the potty while K went to the kitchen and came back!!! Then the next day he did it again, this time on the toilet...
I could hardly believe it!!! He dutifully asked for his present, and we got him a Hot Wheels ramp (the boys' first Hot Wheels paraphernalia). It was harder to get him to go potty at school, or even with me at home, but in the end it did work. Slowly but surely he began to be more and more comfortable. In the meantime, we had a small problem at school -- he used the little kids' toilet and it got clogged (!! -- tiny boy, but adult sized production ;-), so now he only uses the normal sized one. And we still have to give him MiraLax once in a while because he only goes a few times a week, but things are incredibly better! I cannot believe that we don't need more diapers in this house!!!! YAY!!!
Too bad it took us over 6.5 years to be finally able to say this... roughly 4.5 years for each boy. And to think that earlier this year, months before he turned TWO, my second nephew (at the time the youngest) was FULLY potty trained :-(
[to say that I was envious is an understatement, obviously]
I wish lots of luck to my SIL and my dear, adorable third nephew...
And... ahhh... the things we talk about when we become parents! Potty training as blog fodder... OK, as "mommy blogger" fodder ;-)
Friday, October 31, 2008
One Year Ago Today...
... all of a sudden, our peaceful existence came to a crashing halt and full blown crisis mode and uncertainty ensued.
Looking back, I feel that we are so much stronger because of what happened that I can actually feel very thankful for the stable situation that we're in right now. The greatest gift is undoubtedly the residency. With it, came the decision not to return to Brazil, and, possibly, live for several more more years here in the Philadelphia area.
We still have the house, it's mostly renovated -- brand new siding and roof, new and uncovered floors, brand new bathroom (still unfinished) -- and we're making enough money to pay the mortgage. We have some significant credit card debt from the home renovations, but we can slowly pay it off, I'm sure. We have decided to remain here for a while, at least for a few years, unless K (or I, who knows!) is offered a TT job (he's thinking of applying, perhaps not this year, but next year for sure).
And I'm also glad that what happened last year is not happening now when the financial crisis is in full force. Moreover, I think we're going to stick with being academics... in spite of the horrible competition for jobs, people are still going to need to get an education, even in recession or depression, or whatever may come. Having been in the bottom of the well nothing is too scary or dark right now, any situation seems better by comparison. That's the gift that tough experiences bring and I am thankful for having gone through it all.
Looking back, I feel that we are so much stronger because of what happened that I can actually feel very thankful for the stable situation that we're in right now. The greatest gift is undoubtedly the residency. With it, came the decision not to return to Brazil, and, possibly, live for several more more years here in the Philadelphia area.
We still have the house, it's mostly renovated -- brand new siding and roof, new and uncovered floors, brand new bathroom (still unfinished) -- and we're making enough money to pay the mortgage. We have some significant credit card debt from the home renovations, but we can slowly pay it off, I'm sure. We have decided to remain here for a while, at least for a few years, unless K (or I, who knows!) is offered a TT job (he's thinking of applying, perhaps not this year, but next year for sure).
And I'm also glad that what happened last year is not happening now when the financial crisis is in full force. Moreover, I think we're going to stick with being academics... in spite of the horrible competition for jobs, people are still going to need to get an education, even in recession or depression, or whatever may come. Having been in the bottom of the well nothing is too scary or dark right now, any situation seems better by comparison. That's the gift that tough experiences bring and I am thankful for having gone through it all.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
The 700th Post!!!
I just wanted to register my 700th post into the "blogosphere." And, if you hadn't already noticed that I started posting daily lately, I'm getting ready to exercise my "blogging muscles" by participating once more of the National Blog Posting Month, the infamous NaBloPoMo (which is a rip off the more distinguished NaNoWriMo). I hope some of my blogging friends join me again this November.
Before I go, a photo of some of my cosmos before their demise:
Before I go, a photo of some of my cosmos before their demise:
The First Tooth
Continuing our milestones series... :-D
These were Kelvin's first teeth in, six years ago:
(I just had to share this one too -- these were taken at very low resolution with our camcorder and with natural light on 2/9/03):
Wasn't he just adorable? ;-)
A few weeks ago (Saturday night, 10/11) , the tooth on the left came out, and the one on the right is already loose!!! Here's how he looked a few days later:
We don't do imaginary creatures here at our house (except in TV shows and literary texts ;-), so there was no Tooth Fairy gift or anything. We celebrated the boy with the funny "windowy" smile by being very proud of how easily he got the tooth out (more on that on another occasion) and telling everyone we met about the big news! The grandparents, aunts and uncles were all very happy too. It was a bittersweet milestone for me, the beginning of the end of my firstborn's "babyhood" :-(
These were Kelvin's first teeth in, six years ago:
(I just had to share this one too -- these were taken at very low resolution with our camcorder and with natural light on 2/9/03):
Wasn't he just adorable? ;-)A few weeks ago (Saturday night, 10/11) , the tooth on the left came out, and the one on the right is already loose!!! Here's how he looked a few days later:
We don't do imaginary creatures here at our house (except in TV shows and literary texts ;-), so there was no Tooth Fairy gift or anything. We celebrated the boy with the funny "windowy" smile by being very proud of how easily he got the tooth out (more on that on another occasion) and telling everyone we met about the big news! The grandparents, aunts and uncles were all very happy too. It was a bittersweet milestone for me, the beginning of the end of my firstborn's "babyhood" :-(
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
68 Years Ago
Edited to add one more photo.
I just wanted to mention, I guess for the first time in this blog, that today is my mom's birthday. Happy Birthday Mami! I love you!
And maybe 10:
Everyone says that I look just like her!
Look at us!
I just wanted to mention, I guess for the first time in this blog, that today is my mom's birthday. Happy Birthday Mami! I love you!
That's what she looked like around 1 or 2 years old:
At 3-4 years old:
At 3-4 years old:
And maybe 10:
Everyone says that I look just like her!
Look at us!Getting Connected, An Unexpected Milestone
So, after Kelvin's fascination with yesterday's impromptu "lecture" given by his dad about how the internet works and how one can access email and other things available online (such as episodes of Word Girl or Peep and the Big Wide World**) from almost anywhere in the world, and also how we can get online in different ways -- plugged to the cable connection in the desktop and wirelessly with the laptop and ipod touch...
... today I finally got him an email account and he has already emailed his maternal grandparents. Tomorrow I'll have him send an email to his aunts and uncles and the paternal grandparents. I think he'll enjoy emailing, particularly after he learns to type and gets better in spelling, both in English and Portuguese (for the record, he can read in Portuguese too, without ever being taught, just from knowing how to read in English -- YAY to bilingualism!!). So, the milestones are growing exponentially here!
** if you have young children and haven't checked Peep out, you should, it's AWESOME! Loaded with child friendly, and yet, enjoyable to adults, science discussions. And it's extremely cute too!
... today I finally got him an email account and he has already emailed his maternal grandparents. Tomorrow I'll have him send an email to his aunts and uncles and the paternal grandparents. I think he'll enjoy emailing, particularly after he learns to type and gets better in spelling, both in English and Portuguese (for the record, he can read in Portuguese too, without ever being taught, just from knowing how to read in English -- YAY to bilingualism!!). So, the milestones are growing exponentially here!
** if you have young children and haven't checked Peep out, you should, it's AWESOME! Loaded with child friendly, and yet, enjoyable to adults, science discussions. And it's extremely cute too!
Monday, October 27, 2008
Hey Doris! A Spot on Female Icon Quiz
I saw this first at M, but then also at Prof. Mama and Libby's. What surprised me was that this quiz couldn't be more spot on! (and it only has two questions!)
How to Get Along with Me
In Intimate Relationships
What I Like About Being a Doris
What's Hard About Being a Doris
Dorises as Children Often
Dorises as Parents
Your result for Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz...
You Are a Doris!
You are a Doris -- "I must help others."
Dorises are warm, concerned, nurturing, and sensitive to other people's needs.
How to Get Along with Me
- * Tell me that you appreciate me. Be specific.
- * Share fun times with me.
- * Take an interest in my problems, though I will probably try to focus on yours.
- * Let me know that I am important and special to you.
- * Be gentle if you decide to criticize me.
In Intimate Relationships
- * Reassure me that I am interesting to you.
- * Reassure me often that you love me.
- * Tell me I'm attractive and that you're glad to be seen with me.
What I Like About Being a Doris
- * being able to relate easily to people and to make friends
- * knowing what people need and being able to make their lives better
- * being generous, caring, and warm
- * being sensitive to and perceptive about others' feelings
- * being enthusiastic and fun-loving, and having a good sense of humor
What's Hard About Being a Doris
- * not being able to say no
- * having low self-esteem
- * feeling drained from overdoing for others
- * not doing things I really like to do for myself for fear of being selfish
- * criticizing myself for not feeling as loving as I think I should
- * being upset that others don't tune in to me as much as I tume in to them
- * working so hard to be tactful and considerate that I suppress my real feelings
Dorises as Children Often
- * are very sensitive to disapproval and criticism
- * try hard to please their parents by being helpful and understanding
- * are outwardly compliant
- * are popular or try to be popular with other children
- * act coy, precocious, or dramatic in order to get attention
- * are clowns and jokers (the more extroverted Dorises), or quiet and shy (the more introverted Dorises)
Dorises as Parents
- * are good listeners, love their children unconditionally, and are warm and encouraging (or suffer guilt if they aren't)
- * are often playful with their children
- * wonder: "Am I doing it right?" "Am I giving enough?" "Have I caused irreparable damage?"
- * can become fiercely protective
Take Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz at HelloQuizzy
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Boring and Unfun Milestone
(I just deleted this whole post as I was about to publish it, by accidentally selecting the whole thing and replacing it by the letter "n" -- GRRRRR, most definitely NOT boring, and certainly VERY UNFUN :-( ). 19 minutes wasted...
So, this is not really a milestone, but I thought it would be fun to record it in the blog for future reference... ;-D
You probably know that my oldest son is 6.5 years old, but to me, right now, he's sounding more like a pre-adolescent boy... Today he began to say that things are boring and "unfun" and, that certain things (such as the playground at the outlet) are "for babies." The worst part for me is to be aware that this is the beginning.
Sigh...
I have to admit that he was a bit contrary, bored, tired and hungry when I went with him, his brother and my two nephews to the local outlet stores where his uncle and aunt (who were visiting from MD for the day - YAY!) could do some shopping this afternoon/evening. In spite of that and the fact that he can be quite whiny at times, I don't recall that he had ever had this kind of attitude before, saying that the whole day (and even the evening before) had not been fun and enumerating all the things that were "unfun" or boring, and the reasons why. I was hoping to be able to enjoy my sweet boy for a few more years ;-), but maybe this is just a passing phase and not a trend that will take over his life from now on.
I guess part of it is that he is becoming much more "sophisticated," reading at beyond 2nd great level, with great expression and speed, and "wiser" in certain things. He's amazingly good with gadgets, e.g. computers, cell phones, ipods, ipod touch, and even our cordless phones, and he's obsessed with copying and printing stuff on our computer printers. He actually spent the past two weeks pestering me all the time to let him do it. I guess I need to be more proactive and simply order lots of cheap ink cartridges online (do you do that? Which generic brand do you use? I can already see the spam comments coming ;-) as well as softwares and other things that will be interesting to him.
And, a quick digression (one that should be put in the category of "Kids say the darndest things"). In July, when we were in Boston, I was telling him that he would probably enjoy the Science museum because there were lots of machines there, so he exclaimed:
"Oh mama, you know how I feel about machines!"
That's my dear geeky boy! ;-)
Well, I have to report that while writing this post (and I've totally forgotten how I'd planned to end it originally), I have already ordered this software for him and I'm sure he'll enjoy learning to type. I'll let you know how boring and unfun it's going to be ;-)
(23 more minutes to write this -- I'm geeky too, of course!)
So, this is not really a milestone, but I thought it would be fun to record it in the blog for future reference... ;-D
You probably know that my oldest son is 6.5 years old, but to me, right now, he's sounding more like a pre-adolescent boy... Today he began to say that things are boring and "unfun" and, that certain things (such as the playground at the outlet) are "for babies." The worst part for me is to be aware that this is the beginning.
Sigh...
I have to admit that he was a bit contrary, bored, tired and hungry when I went with him, his brother and my two nephews to the local outlet stores where his uncle and aunt (who were visiting from MD for the day - YAY!) could do some shopping this afternoon/evening. In spite of that and the fact that he can be quite whiny at times, I don't recall that he had ever had this kind of attitude before, saying that the whole day (and even the evening before) had not been fun and enumerating all the things that were "unfun" or boring, and the reasons why. I was hoping to be able to enjoy my sweet boy for a few more years ;-), but maybe this is just a passing phase and not a trend that will take over his life from now on.
I guess part of it is that he is becoming much more "sophisticated," reading at beyond 2nd great level, with great expression and speed, and "wiser" in certain things. He's amazingly good with gadgets, e.g. computers, cell phones, ipods, ipod touch, and even our cordless phones, and he's obsessed with copying and printing stuff on our computer printers. He actually spent the past two weeks pestering me all the time to let him do it. I guess I need to be more proactive and simply order lots of cheap ink cartridges online (do you do that? Which generic brand do you use? I can already see the spam comments coming ;-) as well as softwares and other things that will be interesting to him.
And, a quick digression (one that should be put in the category of "Kids say the darndest things"). In July, when we were in Boston, I was telling him that he would probably enjoy the Science museum because there were lots of machines there, so he exclaimed:
"Oh mama, you know how I feel about machines!"
That's my dear geeky boy! ;-)
Well, I have to report that while writing this post (and I've totally forgotten how I'd planned to end it originally), I have already ordered this software for him and I'm sure he'll enjoy learning to type. I'll let you know how boring and unfun it's going to be ;-)
(23 more minutes to write this -- I'm geeky too, of course!)
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Bike Riding -- Milestone I
So, over two years earlier than his brother, who was six last April when he rode the very same bike without the training wheels (I blogged about it here), Linton was only 4 years and 2 months old when he managed to do it too! The first time he did it was on 8/7, but I only caught it (badly) on tape on 8/21. The quality of these videos is extremely bad (they were taken with the photo camera), but I hope you can catch a glimpse of the boys riding their bikes, particularly Linton... You can hear me in the background...
This first one is just a quick take of him driving up the driveway, still a bit wobbly:
In the next two you can see how good he is riding speedily down the driveway. (in the first one Kelvin screams in the background and in Portuguese: "Don't forget to film me!").
So, in this next one you get to see Kelvin, riding a bike much too big for him very expertly (he even goes on the grass not to bump into his brother.
I know it's a worn cliché, but very true -- they do grow up way too fast these boys... but it's a joy to see them develop so well and so early.
This first one is just a quick take of him driving up the driveway, still a bit wobbly:
In the next two you can see how good he is riding speedily down the driveway. (in the first one Kelvin screams in the background and in Portuguese: "Don't forget to film me!").
So, in this next one you get to see Kelvin, riding a bike much too big for him very expertly (he even goes on the grass not to bump into his brother.
I know it's a worn cliché, but very true -- they do grow up way too fast these boys... but it's a joy to see them develop so well and so early.
Milestones - An Overdue Series, Coming Up!
I just wanted to announce, with pomp and circumstance, that in the past months we (ok, mostly the boys, but they were still significant for the whole family) reached some milestones that need to be noted and celebrated, so each will get an individual post. So, watch for them... I may, or may not, get the first one out tonight (and I realize the previous post is more or less a milestone, but not a real "first").
Meanwhile, I'll leave you with a "bonus picture" of some flowers in my garden, now killed by the frost (we've had frost every. single. morning. this past week, beginning on Tuesday -- yikes!).
Meanwhile, I'll leave you with a "bonus picture" of some flowers in my garden, now killed by the frost (we've had frost every. single. morning. this past week, beginning on Tuesday -- yikes!).
Friday, October 24, 2008
First Pay Check in Over 4 Years!
Oh, it feels so good to be back in the workforce, particularly when $ is sorely needed in the family budget (not that we have a proper budget, mind you :-) ! I guess that feeling useless in the monetary department was part of the reason I felt so depressed at times over the summer. I do feel much more optimistic about life now and in a month I will have another paycheck from the online job. It's not much, but it's something.
Now, as for the previous post, in the end I didn't even finish my main idea, which was that teaching K-2 has been an enormously enriching cultural experience for me. It's giving me an inside view of how children learn to read, write, and basic math in this country and I'm happy with what I see. I particularly like the way math is taught (this is the publisher of the book we use, looking at their website I just found out they have a new math series and I wish the school could get that one, of course!)... I love it how the same things are taught gradually in more and more complex ways both within each grade and from one grade to the next (i.e. the 1st and 2nd grade books follow the same pattern, just increasing in complexity).
Of course I don't have recent experience (luckily, my SIL does, she taught 2nd grade and was a school counselor until 7 years ago), but I know that math is taught very differently in Brazil. It's much more intense (like children learning their first multiplication tables in first to second grade), but it doesn't teach the students to think as much. I love it how here they learn algebra (the reasoning behind it) from the very beginning.
Well, anyway... I do have some bad news too, associated with the previous post. As it turns out, the school cannot pay me the rate they had previously promised (although in the first pay check they did, of course), it'll be 1.50 less/h. Moreover, they can only afford to have me be working there three days a week, which further reduces my income, so I may be looking into adjuncting for the Spring... wish me luck! I'm ok with this, though, because it will be easier to juggle work and home with Thursday and Fridays at home (I have to say that my mom was extremely relieved to hear that because she was worried about us coping with my full time work). It will be good for Linton too, I can take him to the park, or elsewhere, and he can play as he pleases at home. So, it's all good.
Now, as for the previous post, in the end I didn't even finish my main idea, which was that teaching K-2 has been an enormously enriching cultural experience for me. It's giving me an inside view of how children learn to read, write, and basic math in this country and I'm happy with what I see. I particularly like the way math is taught (this is the publisher of the book we use, looking at their website I just found out they have a new math series and I wish the school could get that one, of course!)... I love it how the same things are taught gradually in more and more complex ways both within each grade and from one grade to the next (i.e. the 1st and 2nd grade books follow the same pattern, just increasing in complexity).
Of course I don't have recent experience (luckily, my SIL does, she taught 2nd grade and was a school counselor until 7 years ago), but I know that math is taught very differently in Brazil. It's much more intense (like children learning their first multiplication tables in first to second grade), but it doesn't teach the students to think as much. I love it how here they learn algebra (the reasoning behind it) from the very beginning.
Well, anyway... I do have some bad news too, associated with the previous post. As it turns out, the school cannot pay me the rate they had previously promised (although in the first pay check they did, of course), it'll be 1.50 less/h. Moreover, they can only afford to have me be working there three days a week, which further reduces my income, so I may be looking into adjuncting for the Spring... wish me luck! I'm ok with this, though, because it will be easier to juggle work and home with Thursday and Fridays at home (I have to say that my mom was extremely relieved to hear that because she was worried about us coping with my full time work). It will be good for Linton too, I can take him to the park, or elsewhere, and he can play as he pleases at home. So, it's all good.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Call Me Pollyanna If You'd Like...
So... it's been ten days! I'm sorry for the posting hiatus, but it was for a very good cause, or, several good causes.
Last week started with me having a colonoscopy (everything is fine, I guess now I can firmly say that I have IBS) on Monday (thankfully I didn't have class that day), then, I pulled two all-nighters (or almost), going to bed at 5 am on Tuesday morning and 3:50 on Wednesday, to mail an application for a fellowship on the last day it could be postmarked. I'll write about that soon, perhaps even today... Then... we went to Massachusetts this weekend for a wedding (and also a visit to my in-laws, who baby-sat for the very first time EVER -- discounting the two days my MIL looked after Kelvin when he was 9 months old and I skied for the first and last time in my life, back in 2002 -- I know, I have to go skiing again!!). The wedding was lovely! At this amazing location... and although it was tough to drive there and back, we did it very smoothly in a bit over 5 hours each way (Friday night, Sunday night).
OK... and what about that silly title there? [DIGRESSION AHEAD] Well, first of all, if you're a longtime reader you may remember that I can't stand references to Pollyanna, and being "Pollyannish" because nobody (OK, maybe one person in over 100) who says this has actually read the two original Eleanor Porter books... as a fan since childhood, I hate it how these lovely and extremely popular early 20th century novels have become synonymous with stupid, misjudged optimism.
Anyway... what I really want to write about is the fact that now that I'm getting used to the routine, and getting better and more confident at what I'm doing as a K-2 teacher, I feel pretty happy about it. I don't ever stop and think negative thoughts like: "Oh, what am I doing here? I have a Ph.D., how come I'm stuck in this time and energy consuming job?" I don't even think about it idealistically in terms of "making a difference in these young people's lives" as one of my lovely readers put it (sorry, can't remember who), I just feel happy to be busy and productive. Working feels good. I might change my mind a bit if they don't get to pay me what they said they would (I was very depressed for a couple of days last week about this -- I still don't know exactly how that's going to play out, I'll keep you posted), but otherwise I'm delighted to be back at work!
This situation I'm in right now reminds me of how I felt about doing house cleaning in our first two years here in the U.S. I never felt bad that I had a college degree from a prestigious university in Brazil and could speak English fluently and without an accent and was doing that kind of work (I could not work otherwise with the Visa I had). I saw it instead as a unique and unmatched cultural opportunity to have an inside view of the "inner workings" of several "typically American" households. Of course I do have some bad memories of those times, particularly putting fliers on people's doors (over a thousand -- we lived in a "bad area" for this), answering the phone and setting up interviews and I felt humiliated a few times, but, overall, it was an extremely enriching cultural experience! Some of my memories of those times:
... Judy, my first client, the divorced woman with the messy house (many birds, two cats, a big dog) and the two red-headed daughters who sometimes came to visit. I loved to pet the orange cats and I was very sad when one of them was struck by a car and died. The other was broken-hearted. I loved to look at her photos in the basement (she'd even been to Brazil in the late 80s!). [30]
... Mrs. Rodman, the prim and proper retired Jewish lady whose house was spotless and who insisted that I clean her kitchen vinyl floor on all fours with only water and ammonia. She and her husband had their own rooms. And it was the first time that I learned about the existence of "dens." [30]
... The other retired and widowed teacher (I forget her name!) whose recently divorced daughter and two grandchildren lived in her large house. I'll never forget cleaning the living room while the morning shows like Jerry Springer, Geraldo, and others were on in the background -- talk about a cultural experience! And also, the dining room table, chock-full of mail and junk mail. [50]
... The messy studio of Jim, an episcopal priest, a friend of Judy's, an older British guy who used to have oatmeal in the morning (I'd see it in the sink). I had to watch for coins everywhere when I vacuumed. [20]
And later in Western MA, the two nice sisters I worked for:
... Deborah, whose husband had had a stroke and had to sleep in the ground floor and use special equipment in the bathroom. She also had three dogs, one of whom was really old and almost blind and crippled. The house was very large (good think she had an Oreck vacuum) and I dog sat for three weeks once (right when I started being a T.A. -- it was crazy!) and made almost 1K (she was very happy -- the lame dog was much better than when she'd stayed at a kennel earlier). [60 or 70, can't remember]
... Regina and her husband Dan. They paid me 12 an hour (4h/week), the same they paid the "college girls" who came to help them in their lovely home business of making marbled paper. I did the most diverse things: cleaned a whole bedroom, closet and all, after their youngest son went to college. Used packaging tape (cheaper than those rolls used for these purposes) to clean their huge fluffy sofa that got covered with hair from an ailing cat (who later died). Organized the linen closet -- I sneezed a lot, but that was great fun! [old readers will know that I dig linen closets ;-)], and also, several times, cleaning their fridge (lots of double or triple things, such as mayonnaise, were found... lots of spoiled food).
I don't even think it's ironic or sad that the hourly wage is the same in this old job (1997) and my new one (with some rounding up every day)... I just hope it's not less than that... since I do need to help pay the mortgage, and I also want to be paid a fairly reasonable amount.
so, there you go... several of my readers have remarked in the past that I'm a happy blogger and I am. I do have an optimistic take on life and I hope I can remain that way for years to come. You can even call my Pollyanna.* ;-)
* Although that may sound funny because that happens to be my SIL's name.
Last week started with me having a colonoscopy (everything is fine, I guess now I can firmly say that I have IBS) on Monday (thankfully I didn't have class that day), then, I pulled two all-nighters (or almost), going to bed at 5 am on Tuesday morning and 3:50 on Wednesday, to mail an application for a fellowship on the last day it could be postmarked. I'll write about that soon, perhaps even today... Then... we went to Massachusetts this weekend for a wedding (and also a visit to my in-laws, who baby-sat for the very first time EVER -- discounting the two days my MIL looked after Kelvin when he was 9 months old and I skied for the first and last time in my life, back in 2002 -- I know, I have to go skiing again!!). The wedding was lovely! At this amazing location... and although it was tough to drive there and back, we did it very smoothly in a bit over 5 hours each way (Friday night, Sunday night).
OK... and what about that silly title there? [DIGRESSION AHEAD] Well, first of all, if you're a longtime reader you may remember that I can't stand references to Pollyanna, and being "Pollyannish" because nobody (OK, maybe one person in over 100) who says this has actually read the two original Eleanor Porter books... as a fan since childhood, I hate it how these lovely and extremely popular early 20th century novels have become synonymous with stupid, misjudged optimism.
Anyway... what I really want to write about is the fact that now that I'm getting used to the routine, and getting better and more confident at what I'm doing as a K-2 teacher, I feel pretty happy about it. I don't ever stop and think negative thoughts like: "Oh, what am I doing here? I have a Ph.D., how come I'm stuck in this time and energy consuming job?" I don't even think about it idealistically in terms of "making a difference in these young people's lives" as one of my lovely readers put it (sorry, can't remember who), I just feel happy to be busy and productive. Working feels good. I might change my mind a bit if they don't get to pay me what they said they would (I was very depressed for a couple of days last week about this -- I still don't know exactly how that's going to play out, I'll keep you posted), but otherwise I'm delighted to be back at work!
This situation I'm in right now reminds me of how I felt about doing house cleaning in our first two years here in the U.S. I never felt bad that I had a college degree from a prestigious university in Brazil and could speak English fluently and without an accent and was doing that kind of work (I could not work otherwise with the Visa I had). I saw it instead as a unique and unmatched cultural opportunity to have an inside view of the "inner workings" of several "typically American" households. Of course I do have some bad memories of those times, particularly putting fliers on people's doors (over a thousand -- we lived in a "bad area" for this), answering the phone and setting up interviews and I felt humiliated a few times, but, overall, it was an extremely enriching cultural experience! Some of my memories of those times:
... Judy, my first client, the divorced woman with the messy house (many birds, two cats, a big dog) and the two red-headed daughters who sometimes came to visit. I loved to pet the orange cats and I was very sad when one of them was struck by a car and died. The other was broken-hearted. I loved to look at her photos in the basement (she'd even been to Brazil in the late 80s!). [30]
... Mrs. Rodman, the prim and proper retired Jewish lady whose house was spotless and who insisted that I clean her kitchen vinyl floor on all fours with only water and ammonia. She and her husband had their own rooms. And it was the first time that I learned about the existence of "dens." [30]
... The other retired and widowed teacher (I forget her name!) whose recently divorced daughter and two grandchildren lived in her large house. I'll never forget cleaning the living room while the morning shows like Jerry Springer, Geraldo, and others were on in the background -- talk about a cultural experience! And also, the dining room table, chock-full of mail and junk mail. [50]
... The messy studio of Jim, an episcopal priest, a friend of Judy's, an older British guy who used to have oatmeal in the morning (I'd see it in the sink). I had to watch for coins everywhere when I vacuumed. [20]
And later in Western MA, the two nice sisters I worked for:
... Deborah, whose husband had had a stroke and had to sleep in the ground floor and use special equipment in the bathroom. She also had three dogs, one of whom was really old and almost blind and crippled. The house was very large (good think she had an Oreck vacuum) and I dog sat for three weeks once (right when I started being a T.A. -- it was crazy!) and made almost 1K (she was very happy -- the lame dog was much better than when she'd stayed at a kennel earlier). [60 or 70, can't remember]
... Regina and her husband Dan. They paid me 12 an hour (4h/week), the same they paid the "college girls" who came to help them in their lovely home business of making marbled paper. I did the most diverse things: cleaned a whole bedroom, closet and all, after their youngest son went to college. Used packaging tape (cheaper than those rolls used for these purposes) to clean their huge fluffy sofa that got covered with hair from an ailing cat (who later died). Organized the linen closet -- I sneezed a lot, but that was great fun! [old readers will know that I dig linen closets ;-)], and also, several times, cleaning their fridge (lots of double or triple things, such as mayonnaise, were found... lots of spoiled food).
I don't even think it's ironic or sad that the hourly wage is the same in this old job (1997) and my new one (with some rounding up every day)... I just hope it's not less than that... since I do need to help pay the mortgage, and I also want to be paid a fairly reasonable amount.
so, there you go... several of my readers have remarked in the past that I'm a happy blogger and I am. I do have an optimistic take on life and I hope I can remain that way for years to come. You can even call my Pollyanna.* ;-)
* Although that may sound funny because that happens to be my SIL's name.
Friday, October 10, 2008
Of Births, Dreams, and Donations
My mom called from Brazil not too long ago to tell me that my dearest cousin's daughter was born today around noon and that everything is going well. I wish I could be there in Brazil to see him, his wife, and my new little cousin.
Over a year ago I had a very vivid dream one night. I dreamed that I was in a hospital in Curitiba, the city where my cousin JC and many other members of my extended family, both in my dad's and my mom's side, live. I was there because JC's wife had just given birth. JC's sister, who lives in Arizona and has never been back to Brazil since she came to live in the U.S. back in 1990, was also there and that, in and of itself was amazing. Being with both of them felt lovely and is actually something that may not get to ever happen again (I really wish it would)... Most of all, though, I remember this feeling of wonder, that my dear cousin was now a father. He was telling me all about his child (I don't remember if it was a girl or boy), and, strangely enough, we were talking on the roof of the hospital. He was going to take me down to see the baby, and then I woke up...
I had this dream months before JC's wife got pregnant and I was able to tell him the dream when I saw him last year in June. I really wish I could look into his beautiful blue eyes right now and see the magic and the wonder of new parenthood gleaming in them. I know he is going to be the most wonderful father and I can't wait to get to meet his beautiful baby daughter.
~ ~ ~ ~
On the other hand, I've just been reading about Annika's third liver transplant (I'm linking to the whole month of October, go back to October 9, the day of the transplant to read from the beginning) (thanks for the heads up, Jody!). I've read Moreena's blog once in a while for several years now, and as a mother it's always painful to read about someone's sick child, especially with a chronic liver illness like Anika has. I was particularly moved when Moreena talked about the donor, also a child, and how his heart and some other organ were also donated to other children at the same Children's hospital.
I think organ donation is a beautiful and altruistic gift and I am registered to do it. If anything were to happen to my boys, I think I would also donate their organs. It is very moving to see how Moreena is thinking constantly of this other child who unfortunately lost his life, but who, in the process, is giving a new chance at living for other children.
~ ~ ~ ~
This brings me to the latest link that I offer today, which is related to the previous story because it also has to do with donation, but this time donating money to people in need even though some of the money might be used for drugs or something. Dooce wrote this post yesterday and it really nearly moved me to tears. I really hope I can be more compassionate in the future and that I can teach my sons to be compassionate towards people in need.
Old time readers may remember this sad experience that I posteda about two years ago around Thanksgiving... We have to pay more attention to people around us and to think less of ourselves. I often think of how fortunate I am to have all that I have and I wonder how I could help others more. We always freely give things we no longer need to friends (instead of simply selling them on eBay) and people we know (right now I need to donate a beautiful crib and I just don't know anyone who is about to have a baby), but I think that is not enough. This holiday season I wanted to be able to get involved in a hands on philantropic experience with my sons, instead of showering them with presents that they don't need and won't use. Perhaps we should contact Philabundance or some other local organization. Any thoughts?
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Life is precious and the birth of a new baby brings that awareness to the forefront. Organ donation also highlights the fleetness and preciousness of life. We must not forget, however, that some people are alive, but can hardly enjoy life because they lack some of its most basic necessities. We must not forget those folks either. They're precious too, although most people think that they're worthless...
I guess that some people are taking those thoughts to heart and deciding to go a different route this election season. I hope it really does come true.
Over a year ago I had a very vivid dream one night. I dreamed that I was in a hospital in Curitiba, the city where my cousin JC and many other members of my extended family, both in my dad's and my mom's side, live. I was there because JC's wife had just given birth. JC's sister, who lives in Arizona and has never been back to Brazil since she came to live in the U.S. back in 1990, was also there and that, in and of itself was amazing. Being with both of them felt lovely and is actually something that may not get to ever happen again (I really wish it would)... Most of all, though, I remember this feeling of wonder, that my dear cousin was now a father. He was telling me all about his child (I don't remember if it was a girl or boy), and, strangely enough, we were talking on the roof of the hospital. He was going to take me down to see the baby, and then I woke up...
I had this dream months before JC's wife got pregnant and I was able to tell him the dream when I saw him last year in June. I really wish I could look into his beautiful blue eyes right now and see the magic and the wonder of new parenthood gleaming in them. I know he is going to be the most wonderful father and I can't wait to get to meet his beautiful baby daughter.
~ ~ ~ ~
On the other hand, I've just been reading about Annika's third liver transplant (I'm linking to the whole month of October, go back to October 9, the day of the transplant to read from the beginning) (thanks for the heads up, Jody!). I've read Moreena's blog once in a while for several years now, and as a mother it's always painful to read about someone's sick child, especially with a chronic liver illness like Anika has. I was particularly moved when Moreena talked about the donor, also a child, and how his heart and some other organ were also donated to other children at the same Children's hospital.
I think organ donation is a beautiful and altruistic gift and I am registered to do it. If anything were to happen to my boys, I think I would also donate their organs. It is very moving to see how Moreena is thinking constantly of this other child who unfortunately lost his life, but who, in the process, is giving a new chance at living for other children.
~ ~ ~ ~
This brings me to the latest link that I offer today, which is related to the previous story because it also has to do with donation, but this time donating money to people in need even though some of the money might be used for drugs or something. Dooce wrote this post yesterday and it really nearly moved me to tears. I really hope I can be more compassionate in the future and that I can teach my sons to be compassionate towards people in need.
Old time readers may remember this sad experience that I posteda about two years ago around Thanksgiving... We have to pay more attention to people around us and to think less of ourselves. I often think of how fortunate I am to have all that I have and I wonder how I could help others more. We always freely give things we no longer need to friends (instead of simply selling them on eBay) and people we know (right now I need to donate a beautiful crib and I just don't know anyone who is about to have a baby), but I think that is not enough. This holiday season I wanted to be able to get involved in a hands on philantropic experience with my sons, instead of showering them with presents that they don't need and won't use. Perhaps we should contact Philabundance or some other local organization. Any thoughts?
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Life is precious and the birth of a new baby brings that awareness to the forefront. Organ donation also highlights the fleetness and preciousness of life. We must not forget, however, that some people are alive, but can hardly enjoy life because they lack some of its most basic necessities. We must not forget those folks either. They're precious too, although most people think that they're worthless...
I guess that some people are taking those thoughts to heart and deciding to go a different route this election season. I hope it really does come true.
Saturday, October 04, 2008
For the Record...
(regarding the previous post)
... I did not drive down yesterday because it was too late, we're going this morning.
... In my defense, I do always enforce general rules with the boys, and when I say "no" to something, I never give in, even when they whine for an hour afterward.
... The best part of staying was that I got to talk to K on the phone, even though it was 1 a.m. for me and 2 for him there in Brazil. We never have time to talk enough... :-( (BTW, one of my expatriate mamas blogging pals, Dinka, wrote a wonderful post about this, how hard it is to spend time with one's life partner when we have young children. You should check it out. Dinka is a most thoughtful and sensitive writer, as well being amazing at sewing -- if you have a daughter who loves dolls, you have to check this out -- it's home made!).
... Obviously, writing the previous post was one of the reasons why we couldn't leave yesterday, and blogging or being at the computer is definitely not good for disciplining and maintaining a consistent routine or supervision on the boys.
... I don't want this post to prevent us from traveling in a timely manner again, so I'll come back to this issue later. Have a great weekend everyone, and thanks to those who already responded, my SIL and Alissa.
... Last, but not least, I have a tantrumimg four year old right now. In the last 12 hous he threw three tantrums -- yes, one of them was in the middle of the night. And he's witholding stool too (control issues, I know), after a miraculous three times using the actual potty. Keep us in your thoughts and prayers.
... K will be back Monday night (phew!).
... We're leaving soon.
... I did not drive down yesterday because it was too late, we're going this morning.
... In my defense, I do always enforce general rules with the boys, and when I say "no" to something, I never give in, even when they whine for an hour afterward.
... The best part of staying was that I got to talk to K on the phone, even though it was 1 a.m. for me and 2 for him there in Brazil. We never have time to talk enough... :-( (BTW, one of my expatriate mamas blogging pals, Dinka, wrote a wonderful post about this, how hard it is to spend time with one's life partner when we have young children. You should check it out. Dinka is a most thoughtful and sensitive writer, as well being amazing at sewing -- if you have a daughter who loves dolls, you have to check this out -- it's home made!).
... Obviously, writing the previous post was one of the reasons why we couldn't leave yesterday, and blogging or being at the computer is definitely not good for disciplining and maintaining a consistent routine or supervision on the boys.
... I don't want this post to prevent us from traveling in a timely manner again, so I'll come back to this issue later. Have a great weekend everyone, and thanks to those who already responded, my SIL and Alissa.
... Last, but not least, I have a tantrumimg four year old right now. In the last 12 hous he threw three tantrums -- yes, one of them was in the middle of the night. And he's witholding stool too (control issues, I know), after a miraculous three times using the actual potty. Keep us in your thoughts and prayers.
... K will be back Monday night (phew!).
... We're leaving soon.
Friday, October 03, 2008
One of the Hardest of the Hard Parenting and Teaching Issues
Well, at least that's my opinion about discipline. :(
And the worst part for me is that I've always known that I suck at it.
[Here, finally, is one of my "Issues" post, the "cheap therapy" kind of post. Bear with me if you're so inclined.]
Lately, I've been blaming my problems on my self-diagnosed borderline "ADD" (I'll explain in a minute), but there's a long history to my shortcomings in this area. My awareness of this is the reason I never taught English to 5th-8th grade kids in Brazil, and didn't even consider teaching high school (my two months as a substitute teacher went well, though). It was easier teaching my 45 minute English classes for the 2nd-4th graders, but my difficulties increased with the older children in 4th grade (good thing I'm only teaching K-2, right? hmmm...). I also didn't have many problems teaching English to small groups (4-6) of children. Finally, I obviously knew that I would have problems with disciplining my own kids, but it hasn't been that bad. Teaching, though, has brought this issue back to center stage in my life, both in the classroom and at home. Of course my children are with me in the classroom, and that makes it all the more complicated. I assure you that you don't want to be me right now.
OK, let's backtrack. Why do I think it has to do with my supposed "ADD"? Because I cannot be consistent with anything in my own life, I cannot be "present," focused, concentrating enough to do even the simplest things in a daily "routine." I can't stand routine, actually and I think I've mentioned before here that I'm a "habit adverse" person. Other than taking off my contact lenses and brushing my teeth before bed, I don't really have any regular habits, ever (not even for eating/cooking). This inconsistency and flightiness makes it impossible to enforce all the smallest necessary rules all the time, consistently, the way one is supposed to do in effective disciplining, both at home in the classroom.
Of course in the classroom I don't have as many distractions as I have at home, but teaching seven children, each one doing a different thing is beyond overwhelming, at times. I have one kindergartner, four first graders, one repeating some parts of first grade, and a second grader, but even my four first graders started their books at different times or are in different levels, so it's quite chaotic. And it doesn't help that I was thrown into this not knowing what to do at all. Now I got the hang of things, so I can start streamlining a bit: I will start all first graders on spelling together next week, and I'll have three of them do math together (Kelvin happens to be almost done with 1st grade math -- he's really good at math, like his dad and uncles).
Another problem that I have with discipline is that I'm a very insecure person, I cannot really "impose myself" [not the correct words, oh, I got it:], I'm not assertive enough, particularly not about teaching and my abilities. I don't feel very confident -- at least I didn't when I was teaching atn the university level, I always felt that I was not prepared enough, didn't really know what I was doing, etc. Of course I'm pretty confident that I can teach the kids, but it's hard to find the patience to do it sometimes.
The other part of my "history" with disciplining has to do with the profound differences between my upbringing and my husband's. We've talked about these issues since we started dating back in 1990, so it's been a long conversation that is over 18 years in the making and which won't end any time soon, if ever. In his family, it was like we say in Portuguese "falou, acabou" -- the parents say it and it's done, period, in an "authoritarian" and highly effective way. In mine, my parents punished and everything, but my mom nagged at us and my dad was not very firm, so things were more lax. K never liked the way things functioned at our house, how we talked back to our parents, how things were more "democratic." And I guess these early influences never really leave us. I've tried to be more strict, but it doesn't come naturally to me, and my other issues don't help much. I could go on and on, but I'm running out of time here...
And, regardless, I can talk all I want, but it all boils down to a very straightforward question:
How can a fundamentally undisciplined person (not in the sense of unruliness, but in the sense of orderliness and consistency) discipline others?
So, why am I blogging this instead of being on my way to Maryland right now as I should, going to my BIL's house? (K flew to Brazil today, BTW...)
And the answer is that it's because I'll spend the weekend there and I cannot talk about this subject with them. I just can't. It's a weakness that I feel I have to kind of "mask" and pretend it's not there with K's family, and do my best to be as firm as possible with my sons when I am with them. Because I know that it's an unbearable flaw in their eyes. I just know it because it's one of the issues in which K and we've had our biggest differences in our relationship... OK, I really have to go now, if we want to get there tonight.
Question: Do you think (and that's been my gut feeling for most of my life) that certain people, certain personality types or people with certain upbringing, just are not "disciplinarian"types while for other people it just comes naturally? How do you see yourself in this matter? How can someone get better at this? I some times feel I'm a hopeless case... :-(
I'll probably come back to this topic soon.
And the worst part for me is that I've always known that I suck at it.
[Here, finally, is one of my "Issues" post, the "cheap therapy" kind of post. Bear with me if you're so inclined.]
Lately, I've been blaming my problems on my self-diagnosed borderline "ADD" (I'll explain in a minute), but there's a long history to my shortcomings in this area. My awareness of this is the reason I never taught English to 5th-8th grade kids in Brazil, and didn't even consider teaching high school (my two months as a substitute teacher went well, though). It was easier teaching my 45 minute English classes for the 2nd-4th graders, but my difficulties increased with the older children in 4th grade (good thing I'm only teaching K-2, right? hmmm...). I also didn't have many problems teaching English to small groups (4-6) of children. Finally, I obviously knew that I would have problems with disciplining my own kids, but it hasn't been that bad. Teaching, though, has brought this issue back to center stage in my life, both in the classroom and at home. Of course my children are with me in the classroom, and that makes it all the more complicated. I assure you that you don't want to be me right now.
OK, let's backtrack. Why do I think it has to do with my supposed "ADD"? Because I cannot be consistent with anything in my own life, I cannot be "present," focused, concentrating enough to do even the simplest things in a daily "routine." I can't stand routine, actually and I think I've mentioned before here that I'm a "habit adverse" person. Other than taking off my contact lenses and brushing my teeth before bed, I don't really have any regular habits, ever (not even for eating/cooking). This inconsistency and flightiness makes it impossible to enforce all the smallest necessary rules all the time, consistently, the way one is supposed to do in effective disciplining, both at home in the classroom.
Of course in the classroom I don't have as many distractions as I have at home, but teaching seven children, each one doing a different thing is beyond overwhelming, at times. I have one kindergartner, four first graders, one repeating some parts of first grade, and a second grader, but even my four first graders started their books at different times or are in different levels, so it's quite chaotic. And it doesn't help that I was thrown into this not knowing what to do at all. Now I got the hang of things, so I can start streamlining a bit: I will start all first graders on spelling together next week, and I'll have three of them do math together (Kelvin happens to be almost done with 1st grade math -- he's really good at math, like his dad and uncles).
Another problem that I have with discipline is that I'm a very insecure person, I cannot really "impose myself" [not the correct words, oh, I got it:], I'm not assertive enough, particularly not about teaching and my abilities. I don't feel very confident -- at least I didn't when I was teaching atn the university level, I always felt that I was not prepared enough, didn't really know what I was doing, etc. Of course I'm pretty confident that I can teach the kids, but it's hard to find the patience to do it sometimes.
The other part of my "history" with disciplining has to do with the profound differences between my upbringing and my husband's. We've talked about these issues since we started dating back in 1990, so it's been a long conversation that is over 18 years in the making and which won't end any time soon, if ever. In his family, it was like we say in Portuguese "falou, acabou" -- the parents say it and it's done, period, in an "authoritarian" and highly effective way. In mine, my parents punished and everything, but my mom nagged at us and my dad was not very firm, so things were more lax. K never liked the way things functioned at our house, how we talked back to our parents, how things were more "democratic." And I guess these early influences never really leave us. I've tried to be more strict, but it doesn't come naturally to me, and my other issues don't help much. I could go on and on, but I'm running out of time here...
And, regardless, I can talk all I want, but it all boils down to a very straightforward question:
How can a fundamentally undisciplined person (not in the sense of unruliness, but in the sense of orderliness and consistency) discipline others?
So, why am I blogging this instead of being on my way to Maryland right now as I should, going to my BIL's house? (K flew to Brazil today, BTW...)
And the answer is that it's because I'll spend the weekend there and I cannot talk about this subject with them. I just can't. It's a weakness that I feel I have to kind of "mask" and pretend it's not there with K's family, and do my best to be as firm as possible with my sons when I am with them. Because I know that it's an unbearable flaw in their eyes. I just know it because it's one of the issues in which K and we've had our biggest differences in our relationship... OK, I really have to go now, if we want to get there tonight.
Question: Do you think (and that's been my gut feeling for most of my life) that certain people, certain personality types or people with certain upbringing, just are not "disciplinarian"types while for other people it just comes naturally? How do you see yourself in this matter? How can someone get better at this? I some times feel I'm a hopeless case... :-(
I'll probably come back to this topic soon.
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