Mothers and Ph.D.s II

Thanks for your comment, Meredith! I agree that graduate school is a good time to have babies, even though it may delay the finishing of the degree. I'm sorry biology intervened in your case. I did try for one whole year before getting pregnant during graduate school, but I think the timing was OK. I didn't plan to go on and have my second son before finishing the Ph.D. , but the timing was even better in that case because I was able to have the same doctors and hospital and, most importantly, have our union sponsored student plan which covered ALL the expenses of both births. After my husband finished the Ph.D. and we moved here, I didn't have health insurance after (I mean, I do pay for an extremely high deductible and co-pay plan, just in case I have an accident, or cancer... I don't even use it because of the copay and deductible).

Anyway, I didn't get in touch with with my former colleague yet, but I'm back to talk about this topic because I remembered I know a blogger that is starting a Ph.D. program part time with not three, but FOUR children (sons), aged 10, 7, 4, and 19 months. She had another non-anonymous blog before (I don't think I should reveal who she was) and used to home-school the boys, but now that she's going for the Ph.D., they are in school. I just added another comment to Dr. B.'s post with this information. Recently, "Clemencia" had this and that to say about how her first semester is going. Her research is fascinating, she is investigating the link between breastfeeding and early language development. I hope she succeeds in getting her Ph.D.!

Mothers and Ph.D.s

I know I'm over a week late responding to this, but it is a historic moment in my humble blogging career, it's the first time I respond to a topic/question that was first raised by readers of Bitch. Ph.D. and posted on her blog here. I could be wrong, but it may be the first time I link to her as well, not that I haven't read her before, mind you, it just takes me a while to "warm up" to overly famous bloggers. Reading them constantly reminds me of my insignificance, so I sometimes avoid it :). Anyway, my curiosity was piqued by the real possibility of seeing her in person at the MLA (not that I'll be brave enough to go talk to her), and not only have I decided to finally add her to my blog roll, but also to add my two cents to this discussion.

I first saw a reference to this discussion in this post by Sarah at Mommy, Ph.D. who cites Academom and Geeky Mom's previous responses. And now I'm wondering what Jody would say about it, she of the three kids :) I bet her response would be similar to mine, since we're in almost the same situation.

All right, first, I have to admit that I'm not the right person to give advice to other mothers planning to enter Ph.D. programs because I didn't have children when I started my Ph.D. and my oldest son was born after I had finished classwork and passed my comprehensive examination (I passed the oral exam 10 days before his birth). In the two years I was still on campus and had my son, I didn't work much on the dissertation, but the teaching went on smoothly. It helped that my husband was also a graduate student with a flexible schedule and could take care of the baby while I taught. Right around the time I had my second baby, my husband finished his Ph.D. and we moved for him to do his postdoc. As a foreign student, I couldn't work anyway (except on campus), so I just stayed home with the boys and caring for a newborn and a toddler kept me busy and I didn't work on the dissertation for a whole year. Since we couldn't (can't) afford childcare, my parents came and helped me for ten months, and now I'm on the brink of finishing the dissertation. I've been pursuing this degree for almost 8 years and if I didn't literally force myself to finish next year, I think it would take me even longer.

Now, what Bitch Ph.D. wrote at the end of her post is a very real fear for me:

Because, though I hate to say this, academia is not the easiest field for women with kids, especially in the plural; and graduate school, especially when you're still doing coursework, is probably about as bad as it gets. You might get the degree, but in all honesty it'll probably end up being seen a vanity degree: you'll have worked your ass off to finish, but while you were focusing on your work, you'll have been sidelined in the minds of your department as someone who isn't going to go beyond grad school and will somehow be reabsorbed into the non-academic world with a nice diploma to hang on the wall of your home office.

I'm really afraid of this degree becoming only "a nice diploma to hang on the wall," and I truly hope this doesn't become a reality in my life and in the lives of other women just because we happen to be mothers!

I fully agree with Academom when she writes:

The other reason I take issue with Bitch's warning about how moms are treated within academia is that if we moms continue to ACT AS THOUGH we are marginalized, if we expect such treatment, I daresay we will get it. If you expect to be not taken seriously, you run the risk of falling into that predetermined role by acting like someone who doesn't deserve to be.

This is excellent advice for someone like me. I often feel despondent about my own "value" as an academic because I feel disconnected from the academic world while trying to dissertate at home being a full time mom of two boys and away from campus. I daresay Academom's experience was different because she was on campus, teaching and she felt valued as an academic, in spite of the fact of being a mom. With my life enmeshed in that of my boys and with only a few academic conferences and dissertation committee meetings a year (apart from the solitary work on the dissertation) as my links to academic life, it's easy for me to view myself as a mother, but not an academic. That's why up until now this blog has concentrated more on my life as a mother than my life as an academic and the pursuit of the Ph.D.

(I just realized that I used the very same quotes that Geeky Mom included in her post. The first one caught my attention when I saw it there, but the second one was a coincidence, I read it in Academom's post and it caught my attention).

Laura's post is excellent because she explores all outcomes and says that many women never finish and that's OK. She also says that in her situation she didn't feel marginalized by being a mother and that other people in her department had small children. In my case, when I had my sons, I was one of a few students in my department who was married with children, surprisingly, right after I had them, there was a veritable "baby boom" and many other students had children. One of them, whose wife is also in graduate school, even took a year off so his wife could continue. Too bad I had already moved away from campus when that happened. Another important point raised by Laura is the pressure to be in the best programs and get the best jobs when one can explore other options. That gives me hope too. I heartily agree with this:

And I know all the caveats about the academic hierarchy and how people look at the school and all that. And I think that sucks and we should resist it and let a person's work speak for them instead of the degree.

I know that my work is pretty good. I'm not a good writer and I have a really hard time reaching conclusions and figuring out what my argument is, but I'm good at doing research. Time consuming, tedious data collection, number generating research. And in literature too. My work has value because it's grounded in "facts" and not just in abstract "theories." But I digress... I hope to be given a chance, an opening someday. I truly hope that the facts that I'm a woman, a mother, and a foreigner do not keep me from becoming an academic. Here or in Brazil, if we end up going back.

~ ~

Well, Dr. B. ends her post with this request:

I'd love to be proven wrong. If anyone out there knows how a woman with three kids can start a PhD program and get through without losing her mind, please speak up in comments.

So this is part of what I wrote in her comment section:
In my department there was one woman who had three children (5-10, I think, by the time she finished) and who successfully completed her Ph.D. Not only that, but she got a tenure track job right after graduating and edited a book. A complete success story. I'm no longer in touch with her, and she finished in my first year of graduate school, but she certainly seemed "sane" to me! :)

I also don't know how long it took her to finish... I hope it was less than 8 years. Now I'm very curious to find out, maybe I'll get in touch with her. If I do find out, I'll let you know, OK?

Grocery Shopping

A few days before Thanksgiving I did my annual trek to the "regular" grocery store to buy Eggnog. Of course I don't go only once a year to normal grocery stores, sometimes in the summer I go there to get ice-cream when it's one sale (two containers for the price of one or less). This past summer I was busy dissertating though, and didn't go at all, so it had been a while since I had been to this particular store. We only like store-brand Eggnog from the Giant or Stop & Shop supermarkets (S&S in New England, Giant here).

I have been grocery shopping at discount stores (Price Rite, Aldi, and, once in a while, Save-a-lot) for several years now, since when we started living on a tighter budget back in '03-04, I think. In the beginning I had to go elsewhere for our soymilk, for the brand of orange juice with calcium that I liked, and a few other things, and grocery shopping was very time consuming, but now these stores sell those things as well. Sometimes I can even find Boca Burgers or GardenBurgers there and last night I even found organic cow's milk! I only go once a month or so to my dream store (Whole Foods) for Quorn veggie meats and organic dairy and eggs (particularly since I reviewed the organic pregnancy book). I also love Trader Joe's, for its good prices and foods from all over the world, as well as organic and green products, but I'm sure I have already written about WF and TJ before, haven't I? Our families have always had "frugal" lifestyles, and even when we shopped at regular grocery stores, we bought a small amount of processed foods. So I didn't miss much, if anything, when we switched.

When I entered the store two weeks ago, though, I was really struck, amazed even, at the sheer number of brands and variety of products that one finds at a large grocery store. I felt quite overwhelmed then, and kind of thankful for the limited variety of the discount chains. The way I felt was very similar with my first encounter with American Supermarkets back in 1993, I was simply fascinated. In the following year (94) I read Don DeLillo's White Noise and can you guess the topic of my paper? The image of the supermarket in that book -- in it, as long as the supermarket is still there, things are OK. It's a source of comfort to the main character. Even after we moved here in 96, for several years, every trip to the supermarket was a " cultural experience" and I loved to stroll leisurely, enjoying the "sightseeing." One of the things that struck me in this visit is how the organic and natural food section grew in the past year alone. Now the store offers most kinds organic foods in its own brand at reasonable prices!

Lately, I have been thinking about the importance of organic foods (particularly produce), but I have realized that it would be very hard for us to go fully organic now. If we can't even afford shopping at a the "regular" stores (not that I would really want to now that I know I can buy cheaper food of the same quality elsewhere), how could we afford the price of organic produce?
In the case of dairy and eggs, the reasons for going organic are much stronger, given the use of antibiotics and hormone in the feed of the animals, and I buying organic now. Ideally, I know, we should be vegan, but I truly don't have the energy and the time that it takes to plan and execute a vegan diet (sigh...).

Well, I have probably bored you to death with this discussion, but I wanted to write about this, before I forget it and these impressions get lost. There's a great discussion about doing a Ph.D. with children that I want to join in!

Small Steps Towards a Greener Life

I have wanted to write about this ever since I got to review The Complete Organic Pregnancy book, thanks to Andi Buchanan (who quit writing on her Mother Shock blog :( ) and Mother Talk. I hope I get to participate of more blog book tours in the future ;)

I learned a lot from that book and one of the things that surprised me the most was the idea that in order to live the most ecologically sound lives possible, eating local foods is better than organic foods that come from foreign countries or far away, thus using lots of fossile fuel, even if that means going without most fruits and fresh vegetables all winter long. Yikes!! And that's why the book is dedicated to Swiss chard, a winter vegetable. [and sorry for the paragraph long sentence above] Then I thought that in this case, the good thing for me would be to live half of the year in the U.S. and the other half in Brazil, so I wouldn't "starve" during the long, dreary winters here.

Anyway, that's not the subject of this hopefully short post. Jo (from Leery Polyp and who also reviewed the book) had already written twice about the evils of toxins leeching from plastic into our food and water, but the book made an even stronger case for it, emphasizing also the fact that plastic is not biodegradable (and at this point, I get your point about not liking plastic, Chicago Mama, I do! :) and a polutant that takes a thousand years to decompose.

So... today I finally purchased two polycarbonate water bottles at the Essene Market where I go to the LLL meeting. They're very cute, so I want to include a photo later. These can be used over and over again and won't leech anything into our water,.

I'll come back to this topic later, especially because today we got An Inconvenient Truth in the mail from Netflix. Yes, we haven't seen it yet, but that will be corrected soon, and I'll come back to talk about it.

I was planning to write another post today about grocery shopping, but it's getting late, so maybe tomorrow...

Oh, and thank you so much for your congratulations and kind words regarding the job interview. We'll see how it goes...

Exciting News

Guess what? I got a job interview! I did expect it from this particular university (incidentaly, the only one with jobs for both my husband and I), but I don't have high hopes and I'm quite nervous, of course.

It's good to know I'm being given a chance to prove my value before a search committee, though. And now, I need advice, TONS of it. If you know of any blog entries, academic site with a section about job interviews (I'm going to check the Chronicle and also the JIL site), or, better yet, personal experiences, would you send them my way? You can email me about it, if you don't want to publish your story in my comment section.

Now I have to work on my paper and presentation, good thing the presentation is first, and then I can concentrate for the interview. Oh, another question. None of the academic bloggers I'm reading are coming to the MLA, if you know a blogger who is, please let me know, I'd love to start reading his/her blog right now and try to meet him/her there.

I do know about the section on Blogging, and the presenter (Scott Eric Kaufman) who's doing research about blogging -- I haven't had time to check out his survey about how fast memes travel online, but I hope I'll have time to do it and go to the section. (Thanks to Jody at Raising WEG for the link). I think there will be quite a few bloggers attending the section, and I wish I knew at least a handful of them even though they probably wouldn't know me. (Do you know about this section, Laura? I'm sure you do. Are you planning to attend?)

I Wish I Could Be... & I Love that I Am...

I wish I could be...

... more witty
Particularly in real live conversations, I wish I could be able to quickly think of a witty, intelligent thing to say right away. Sometimes a witty response comes to me only after it's too late, sometimes hours later.

... more funny/ humorous
As I explained in the previous post, I can rarely come up with a joke, I wish I could infuse my writer of more humour too, but I guess this is just a trait that some people are naturally born with. I do try hard sometimes. On the other hand, I can't stand people who just tell jokes all the time and can't have serious conversations. In my opinion, humor has to be used sparingly and effectively, both in writing and real life interactions.

... more snarky
when needed (I learned this word through blogs, probably Chicagomama, who used to be extremely snarky and is now "the raider of the lost snark" :) -- see? that's the kind of witty I want to be. Being snarky probably doesn't match my other traits (see the list of things I love about me), but would sure come in handy in many situations in life.

... less sensitive
sometimes I earnestly wish I had tougher skin and could bear criticism and feedback (particularly in relation to my writing) better. On the other hand, my sensitiveness is what makes the first trait in the list below possible. And I guess my skin is toughening slowly but surely -- blogging helps, and having to finish a dissertation does too.

~~~ ~~~

Just to offset the wish list above and to show that I have a healthy self-image and awareness I decided to include those things I don't wish for, and the personal traits that make me happy as well.

I DON'T wish at all that I were cooler, more fashionable or more unconventional. I've never liked to do things just "to fit in" (it helps that I didn't grow up and go to high school in this country, I'm sure!). I don't care for popularity and "fame" (even though I have to admit that I'd like to have more readers in this blog here, have my stats go up and "evolve" in the eco-system via links in other blogs :)

~~ ~~

I love that I am (or have learned to be)...

... empathetic
As many of you have may have already proabably noticed in my comments on your blogs, I am truly a very empathetic person. I am easily moved to tears by someone's description of their troubles or joys (call me sappy, I don't mind, I like that in me too :) and become very excited and enthusiastic when good things happen.

... conciliatory
I try to avoid confrontation people and try to be conciliatory. That doesn't mean I have strong opinions, which I do, I just think it's useless to waste one's time and energy in arguments that don't lead anywhere. That's what I think of the "mommy wars" for example, as I wrote in this post (people seemed to like what I wrote because many people commented, some for the first time). I strongly disagree with certain parenting practices, but I think people have the right to choose whatever they want to do and works best for them.

... honest, authentic, true to myself
these have been guiding tenets in my life since a very young age. I just can't pretend to be someone I'm not, I can't really hide my feelings, I'm really an open book. That doesn't make me the most agreeable person to interact with at first sight and can be a pain to deal with when I'm mad about something, but once you know me, I'm more mellow than my sometimes "serious" exterior may show.

... very social, communicative
I just love interacting with people. Both me and my husband are like that -- a good, profound or fun conversation is priceless in our opinion. That's why we miss our friends in Brazil and do get very lonely sometimes. That's why blogging has changed my life for the better, as I have explained in an earlier post. Interacting, "socializing" with people virtually has made all the difference in my life, particularly as a mother "stuck" at home with my two boys in a large city where I don't know many people, or those I know live quite far and aren't like me at all (i.e. most friends from church).

~~~

Of course there are things in me that I know realistically that I cannot change, such as being kind of lazy, a procrastinator, and really messy and disorganized. I do try to be better, but mostly I just end up having do some "damage control" to the troubles caused by these annoying traits :) I do like to work under pressure, though, so in the end, it usually works out all right and I end up not trying to change radically. Oh well... :)

Blogging is Very Useful Sometimes...

.... even though it's not a blue engine.
(I know only parents of little boys or girls who love trains may get this one , so I offered the link :)*

Take what happened last night, for example. After the boys went to bed, I was planning to go out to return some things that need to be returned to the stores before it's too late and to clean the house because it's extremely messy (e.g. I just unloaded the dishwasher from the Thanksgiving dishes so I could load it again with the stinky dishes in the sink), but I was checking some blogs before heading out when I came upon this post by one of my blogging friends, Professing Mama. The words "submission guidelines" rang a bell and I looked at the date -- I had an abstract for a conference I don't want to miss that was due yesterday, and it was past 9 p.m.! I had less than three hours to come up with it.

So I went to work and came up with an abstract that I'm very excited about. Better yet, in the process of writing it, I found a full book online (from the 1880s) in Google Books that will contribute to my dissertation research, yay!! So, thanks to blogging, I'm not only be able to go to a conference that I really want to, but I have found a book that will help my rearch, and will start using Google books from now on (this seems to be another "very useful" tool).

*I'm going to write a post sometime about the things I wish I had, and one of them would be the ability to be really witty and funny, like some people I know. I'm very proud of the rare joke or witty saying that I pull out, and this is one of them. I know this sounds lame, but it is very true... I do have a good sense of humor, I think, but I just wish I could be funny at the right times. (note for my Brazilian readers: to be "witty" can mean to have presença de espírito to say something funny at the right time).

Academic Job Application Season

So... I know that several of you want me to keep you posted about the Family in Translation job search.

Yesterday I finished sending out my applications. All three of them. I could have applied to a few more places, but how could I ever apply to Princeton, or Berkeley, or Stanford? I'm a tiny tiny fish in this big pond of academia and it's just a waste of time trying to pass as a big fish. I'm not applying for mere teaching (instructor) positions either and there were two or three of those.

The thing is, both of us are applying, so my search is a bit useless at this point. My husband is sending out almost thirty application, ten times as much. Only one university has positions for both of us (the second one was the application that I "lost") and it's not in a very "attractive" place, but still, if both of us got tenure track jobs, we woudn't mind going to live right smack in the middle of this huge country, far from family and friends.

Our preferences are as follows: Massachusetts (only one of my husband's applications), Atlanta, and Florida (mostly because we have friends there and the climate) -- this last one is my application that won't be considered. There are two schools here in the area that would be convenient only for the fact that we wouldn't need to move right away, but we kind of don't like it here very much... Staying in the Northeast/ East coast would be good, though, and there are comparatively few positions in this geographical area that hubby's applying to.

So, these are the possibilities. At this point I'm hoping to get one or two interviews at the MLA just so I get to "practice," even though this practice is very nerve-racking. Then I'll be anxiously waiting to see how my husband search goes. I'll keep you posted for sure!

Yams with Pecan Praliné & Maple Squash Pie

I decided to post two recipes because I didn't have a photo of the second one, which is the one I really wanted to share.

Yams with Pecan Praline

I tasted this delicious dish when a dear friend invited us for Thanksgiving dinner with her family (not only immediate, but extended as well, including her parents, and her two sisters' families) back in 1999, I think. Experiencing this most typical American holiday with a typical American family was a rare treat, one that hasn't happened since then, and it changed the way we celebrate Thanksgiving forever, because we then learned the "proper way" to do it :) I have been making this dish every year since 2002.

Ingredients:
- 1/4 cup packed brown sugar (more if you want a sweeter dish)
- 3 Tbs. butter, at room temperature
- 3 Tbs. all-purpose flour
- 1/3 cup (or more if you wish) finely chopped pecans
- 6 medium yams or sweet potatoes (about 3 pound), pelled, and cut into 1/2 inch rounds OR canned yams.
- 1 1/2 cups heavy cream, heated

1. In a bowl, work together brown sugar, butter and flour until well combined, then work in pecans. Set aside. (This topping can be prepared up to 8 hours ahead and kept at room temperature).
2. Bring a large pot of lightly salted water to a boil. Add yam and cook until crisp tender, about 5 minutes. Do not overcook. (we actually like ours softer, so we cook longer). Drain and rinse under cold running water.
3. Preheat oven to 375 F (190 C). Lightly butter a 9 by 13 inch (23 by 33 cm) baking dish.
4. Arrange yams, overlapping in vertical rows in dish. (This can be done up to 8 hours before baking, covered tightly with plastic wrap, and refrigerated).
5. Before baking, mix the heated heavy cream with the sugar, butter, flour, and pecan mix and pour cream over yams. Bake for 20 minutes.

Butternut Squash and Maple Pie

Pumpkin pie is definitely an acquired taste, particularly for foreigners like us (I'd be curious to know what the American readers have to say about this -- does everyone generally like it?). I never liked it too much, but a few years ago my husband said that he liked it and I think I baked it once last year with canned pumpkin, and I have bought ready made ones a few times. This year I was going to buy the pumpkin but I got mixed up and got butternut squash (already peeled and cut) instead. Luckily I own two hefty binders of baking recipes* and I found this gem of a recipe. It is just SOOOO yummy!!

Ingredients:

Pie crust:
I used a store bought one, and you can do the same or use your typical crust recipe (I'm too lazy now to type the ingredients plus instructions for the crust).

Filling:
- 2 packages (11 ounces each) frozen butternut squash, thawed
--> I used one 16 oz. package of peeled and cut squash boiled in water until soft
- 1 cup evaporated milk
- 1/2 cup granulated sugar
- 1/2 cup pure maple syrup
- 1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
- 1/2 teaspoon ground ginger
- 1/4 teaspoon ground cloves
(I used 1 teaspoon or so of Pumpkin Pie Spice Mix instead)
- 3 large eggs

1. Preheat oven to 400 F (200 C)
2. Have pie crust ready on 9 inch round pie dish.
3. To prepare filling, beat together buttenut squash, evaporated milk, sugar, maple syrup, and spices at medium speed until smooth. Beat in eggs, one at a time, beating well after each addition.
4. Our filling into prepared crust.
5. Bake pie until filling is set, 55 to 60 minutes. Transfer pan to a wire rack to cool.
6. Serve with a dollop of whipped cream.

If there's any leftover filling (I had more than would fit the crust), just bake it on a grating dish. It's very yummy. I actually like it like that, without the crust. The crust also tends to burn, given the long baking time, so after it's nicely baked and golden, you can put a strip of foil around it to prevent it from burning.

* Those that are a total ripoff because they come in the mail in installments that cost like 18 dollars each -- I think I spent around 200 before I stopped (and I couldn't afford it at all at the time, back in 1996-7). Good thing I do like to bake, but still, it's a lot of recipes and I'll never bake even half of them in my lifetime. It's called "Great American Home Baking" and it has 12 categories of recipes with over 20 cards with two recipes for each category, that would make almost 500 recipes!

Looong Weekend

**Coming soon: Thanksgiving Recipe**

First, I have just taken the plunge again and switched to the beta version. I could no longer wait to have labels, and plus, blogger had been acting up and I couldn't even add links (without hml) or photos because my toolbar was gone.

Second, it feels like forever since the last time I've posted. This was a very long weekend indeed. Our Thanksgiving celebration was great, mother- and father-in-law came, as did brother-in-law and his family. I cooked most of the food and I enjoyed it. We braved black Friday, although this year nobody spend the night in line like last year (even though it was a lot warmer), we did get things we needed at prices that fit our meager budgets, though (my MIL was waiting since May to get some of the electronics she needed for her house). Then, we drove to Massachusetts to the in-laws' home. Hubby flew from there to Brazil and I drove to NYC last night and slept at a friend's house to pick him up this morning. Phew... Driving with the boys is usually smooth, but now that we bought a DVD player for our old minivan (two 7'' screens), it's a breeze! I do try to limit their TV viewing time, but I must confess that it was much easier to talk to each other (or to listen to NPR) while they were quietly watching a DVD... oh well...

I thought I'd have more to report, but I'm done summarizing the weekend. I sent my first successfully received application yesterday and there are two more to go. It's very stressful to try to work on the application while caring for the boys and with a husband traveling every single weekend and swamped in work! I'll keep you posted about the job search (both mine and my husband's).

All right, I'll be back later with the promised recipe! (maybe recipes)

A Thanksgiving Story

It was the day before Thanksgiving, many years ago, perhaps in 1999 or 2000. My husband and I went grocery shopping and when we got to the checkout lane we had to wait for quite a while for the customer ahead of us, a woman. The cashier seemed annoyed and looked apologetically at us.

That was when I noticed that the items that the woman was buying hadn't even been bagged, they were just lying there, all crowded on the belt. I also noticed that the woman was frantically swiping card after card in the machine and that the items she was trying to purchase were not your typical Thanksgiving fare, no. They were first necessity items like bar soap, individually wrapped toilet paper (of the cheapest kind), milk, eggs, some other basic foods and cleaning items. The woman looked frustrated and the cashier even more. But then, all of a sudden, I guess she had tried all the cards, and realized it was not gonna happen, so she left, crying.

We just stood there, stunned, and the same thought crossed our minds -- why in the world didn't we offer to pay for her groceries? What were 70 dollars to us? Why were we annoyed that it was taking so long for the cashier to ring our purchases instead of being empathetic and paying attention to what was happening to the woman? But now it was too late. The woman had already left and the cashier was putting away the unbagged groceries in a contrary mood.

I felt an incredible sadness which enveloped our Thanksgiving celebration that year. I thought about her during the whole holiday season, I wondered if she had found a way to have those much needed items, and whether she had children to care for. And I made a promise to myself that I would never again miss another opportunity to help someone in need.

And Now a "Real" Post

I forgot to say in the previous post that I just love my son's smile, it's one of my favorite things about him.

QUICK DIGRESSION: Blogger is acting up on me right now -- the toolbar for adding links, photos, changing fonts, etc, has disappeared. I guess it's mad that I posted too many photos and that I have been refusing to switch to the beta version even though they invite me everyday. I'd love to switch, I've been itching to have labels in my posts ever since I started blogging, etc... but I'm mortally afraid of the change, and I haven't had time to back-up the blog so I don't have to worry if it disappears again.

Some of you wanted to know what I spoke about in church. It was the second and probably last time I speak there, since I hope we'll be moving next July... the first time I talked about women in the Bible and this Saturday about mothers in the Bible. I was fascinated by all the references to breastfeeding, particularly in Psalms and Isaiah (my favorite book). A person's relationship with God is compared to a baby/child and his/her mother and the peace and comfort he/she feels when breastfed. I felt like writing a scholarly paper about that. Yeah, I'm really a geek -- when I find a subjet I'm fascinated by I can't help but feel I really want to research it and write an academic paper on it. See? I should be an academic, shouldn't I?

All right, what else. After the hectic Thursday and Friday, we did have a good (if busy) weekend. I beat all my records last Friday/Saturday early a.m. - posting 3 times in 24 hours. I actually wanted to do the smiling photos post then too, but I thought it would be too many photos. Actually, right before I posted the "smile post" yesterday my husband was complained with me that I shouldn't post so many photos, I should select (as it is, I'm already being very selective, believe me, I do take that many photos) and leave "a taste for more" in my readers mouth. What say you? Do I post too many photos?

Back to Saturday, the only hard thing about speaking in church, was how my youngest son behaved. He just wanted to be with me and was walking all over the church, so two friends had to take him away (crying, although he was fine while with them) to the children's room to play with him and the other children. Afterwards, I had the whole singing group eat at my house and when they left, at 4 p.m. I was so pumped by all the nice conversations and singing practice that I decided to drive to Maryland that afternoon (I'd previously thought I'd be so tired that it'd be best to leave on Sunday). The trip was good, I listened to a new CD by Yo-yo Ma that had just arrived in the mail (more on it on a later post, when blogger lets me post links -- I'm too lazy to use html right now, sorry) and the boys fell asleep as I got there at 9 p.m. and slept the whole night without even moving. That was good because I needed to sleep, since I had gone to bed at 4 a.m. and gotten up at 8.

On Sunday the boys played with their older cousin while my SIL raked the leaves in her condo's front yard (I took some photos, of course). Then, after lunch while my nephew napped the two of us and the boys went to Home Depot and Lowe's where we bought red concrete edgers, top soil, and mulch to straighten out her garden and plant the bulbs (tulips, crocus, and hyacinth) that I had given them as a gift a while back. I can't wait to see them bloom next year!

I had to get up really early (4:45) to drive to Dulles airport, since my BIL lives on the opposite side of D.C. and told me that if I didn't leave by 5 a.m. I'd be stuck on 495 for hourse. I left at 5:15 and there was no traffic. I got to the airport and my husband's plane landed shortly after. We were able to leave in less than an hour. The best part was the drive home, 'cause we had time to talk about all that he experienced in Brazil. He got to practically spend Saturday night talking to one of our best friends there. Good stuff.

Well, today I have been out food shopping for Thanksgiving, we're having the Quorn vegetarian roast, yams (a pecan praliné recipe that I have -- let me know if you want me to share it), brussel sprouts, salad (mesclun mix, grape tomatoes, baby carrots), vegetarian mushroom gravy. We'll also make some basmati rice and I'll bake a pumpkin pie and an apple crumble pie, with Granny Smith apples. Oh, and I bought eggnog -- we love eggnog! This is already too long and my sons have already had their "fix" of PBS Kids of the day, so I have to go!!

I DARE you not to smile!

I just couldn't resist posting these unbearably cute photos of my youngest son, a sequence I took a few days before the haircut. I dedicate them to my friend Juliet, who often posts photos of her unbearably cute son. She just found out she's pregnant and I'm sure her second child will be very cute too, like mine. Congratulations on your pregnancy Juliet!! I hope everything goes well.

Kelvin's First Haircut (2004)

Well, because I posted several photos of Linton's first haircut from last week I thought it would be just fair to showcase his older brother's as well. Kelvin's first haircut at a hairdresser's took place in Brazil on January 7, 2004 amidst lots of fanfarre and celebration as you can see in this photo:In the mirror you can see daddy taking the photo, mommy (4 months pregnant) filming, and grandma (who was getting a pedicure) observing. Grandpa is not in the photo, but he's seated to the left. Oh, and if you look closely, you can see that he has his granpa's car keys in his hands. He kept locking and unlocking the car during the haircut.

I had previously had to cut his "bangs" which were getting in his eyes in Oct/03, three months earlier, which I did while he was sleeping.

Hair on face:Haircut while baby slept:

Before Kelvin's first "proper" haircut, look at those adorable curls! :

Kelvin and his paternal and maternal grandfathers

Here mama is worried he's going to be afraid and is trying to reassure him, but he handled it like a pro, very differently from his brother last week (the car key did help):
During and after it was finished:












And this was after last week's haircut, and... snif, snif, he doesn't look like a baby anymore :(
Isn't my big boy handsome, though?

P.S. I know it's almost 3 a.m. I should be writing my "sermon" (I'm speaking in church tomorrow), but I'm doing it while I blog. Explanation: it takes so long for the photos to load (we have DSL, not cable) that I just can't bear "wasting" my time writing these posts without being busy with something else at the same time... Let me know if you want to know what I spoke about.

Smart Squirrels

Today I had to walk a lot with the boys in the double stroller because I dropped the car off at the garage and then went to the bank, grocery store, etc. They still haven't called, so I don't know what's wrong with the car yet and when it will be ready. I do need it on Sunday, so let's see what happens. (This was at 4 pm. Now I have already picked up the car -- it took more walking, this time in the dark. I'm really glad it's not very cold here now, 15 C/57 F or higher during the day and 10C/50 F this evening).

Anyway, we were passing by the parking lot of a huge pharmacy when we saw a squirrel with something bright in his mouth. I stopped so we could observe it, because it was pretty close. When I looked carefully, I saw what it was -- a Lindt truffle! The blue one which is dark chocolate -- what a smart squirrel!! I felt sorry I didn't have my camera on me (actually I've been pretty depressed because I haven't been able to many photos lately because either the recharcheable battery of my camera is is broken [again] or the charger is).

Then I remembered I had these photos of another smart squirrel that I took at the playground last January: It was very jealous of its pizza slice, even while I was just trying to take photos.

If I have time, I'll have one more post with photos tonight. I'm not participating of NaBloPoMo, but I can also post more often, can't I?

A Few Firsts (Haircut, Chocolate Milk and...)

Last Thursday (not yesterday) was a day of several firsts in our family.

I.
Linton, my youngest son, has very fine and curly blonde hair, so he didn't really need a haircut until now, at 29 months, when his hair was getting way too long and right before winter when the heated air will make his hair straight (as it makes mine) and falling on his eyes. I was kind of sad to see it go, if I had my way, both of my boys would have long hair. People do keep referring to them as "she," and even asking my older boy whether that is his "sister," so I have to relent and Kelvin does have a haircut once in a while. In the end of last year we did let him have longer hair and he'd proudly tell anyone who cared to listen that he was letting his hair grow. Therefore, I wasn't really looking forward to the day when my "baby"'s hair would have to be cut.

Before (you can click on photos for larger view): I guess he really needed a haircut...

and

After (these are a bit blurry and didn't work well because Kelvin made Linton cry -- a common occurrence in our lives): Just so you know, he didn't sit on the chair like that for the haircut. He didn't want to have his hair cut, even after seeing his brother (who sat on a booster) and I have ours. So I had to hold him in my lap (facing me) while the hairdresser cut his hair from the back. We were both covered in hair and I was only able to gather a few strands afterwards to save.
He's crying here because his brother is trying to lower the chair and he is scared.

II.
The second "first" is a bit less exciting, and so far it hasn't happened again. We try to eat healthy here at Casa in Translation, eating "whole foods" as much as possible and avoiding processed foods. We're ovo-lacto vegetarians (we do eat fish once in a while), and even though we do eat sugar and often have some chocolate or ice-cream for dessert, I try to avoid it so the boys won't get addicted to sweet stuff. For some reason, that afternoon, both boys started to ask for, or actually, demand, chocolate milk, which they had never tasted -- they generally drink vanilla soymilk with nothing on it (or, once in a while, the 2% milk that their daddy drinks). So I served them mugs of soymilk with Milo, which is a chocolatey and malt mixture similar to Ovaltine* that we had at home and they really liked it. They haven't asked for it again yet, but I know that it'll happen soon :)

* I just can't stand American Ovaltine, it's awful. In Brazil it's called "Ovomaltine" and it's delicious, there is a chocolate flavor and one that's only malt flavored. My dad says that the
American brand just isn't Ovaltine AT ALL.

III.
I wish I could be like Jo(e) and able write posts like this one (which is brilliant by the way and has very helpful suggestions for parents of teenagers :) ) and not feel embarrased, but for some reason I can't. I'm not too shy about this in real life (I have even shared this story with my SIL, who was actually a bit traumatized from a similar experience when she was 5 years old), but for some reason I'm very hesitant to post it for the whole world to see (that is, the 30 or so people who read my blog). Anyway, I'll try...

The third "first" happened before the other two (I'm going backwards here), in the middle of the night, between 2-3 a.m. We've been going to bed really late because of my husbands' trips, and we were still up, getting busy in bed when we heard a little boy (our 4 year old) walk softly into our room and ask, confused, "why are the lights on?" Well, good thing we were under the sheets and he didn't really see anything. He was half asleep anyway, and climbed into bed with us while we quickly turned off the light. Daddy then got up and brought him back to his bedroom. Needless to say, we're locking the door now.

Anyone out there brave enough to share a similar tale? :)

(and now, after editing this post -- adding photo of Milo, changing its position 4 times, correcting typos, I'm off to drink my own glass of soymilk and Milo, since I haven't had anything to eat yet)

When Things Go Wrong (Updated)

Murphy's law postulates that if something can go wrong, it will. Or, more precisely, when things just can't go wrong because they will cause you great trouble, they do go wrong.

Today was such a day. I was going to go with my husbad to Washington D.C. where we'd drop him off at the airport and then spend the night at my BIL's house, but then, an hour before the time we were supposed to leave, our car suddently broke down. It just wouldn't start. We were already calling for a tow truck from our insurance's roadside assistance and I was at a pizza place getting the boys to eat an improvised lunch when my husband got the car to start again. By then we had already started looking for car rentals for him to drive down on his own and even though the car was now working, we followed through with this plan. My husband left two hours after the time we had planned to leave and got to the airport very late.

Now he's there, going to the gate, but he doesn't know whether he'll be able to fly or not, 'cause they didn't give him a seat. I'm just waiting to see what happens. The flight is scheduled to leave in 35 minutes.

Updated to add: He made it to the flight, but he had to wait until the last minute to find out. He checked in, but they didn't give him a seat, he went to the gate and there things were straightened out. I'm actually relieved that I didn't have to go to Maryland, because I'd be coming back tomorrow and returning on Sunday morning. Now I just need to go on Sunday, much better! I can't wait until Monday morning, though... I just miss him too much (and not just because he gets up with the boys in the morning and lets me sleep a little more :)

OK, so now that I shared today's story, let me tell you how he got to JFK airport (in NY) last Thursday. When he got to the Philly airport, they told him his flight was late and that he'd miss the flight to Brazil if he took it, so, they called a taxi (!!!) which drove him to New York just barely in time to catch the flight (50 minutes before the flight). The airline paid the fare, but he had to pay the 20% tip, 60 bucks. You do the math... It cost almost half the price of his airfare to Brazil!

Woman Kicked off Plane for Breastfeeding!

Breastfeeding in the news again! This might have happened because the child was older (22 monhts). I haven't been breastfeeding my 29 month old in public anymore, but in our recent plane trips to Nashville I just had to to settle him down, or he would start screaming. Nobody was in the seat with us, though, and I turned my back to the people on the other side of the aisle. I guess those things helped.

My secret for nursing on airplanes is wearing a nursing top (mine are all from Motherwear since I was able to buy them at their outlet store -- my sons were born 1 mile from the factory and store, actually). This October I wasn't wearing one, (I have started wearing regular clothes and bras now, I'm tired of four years (actually 5 1/2 years) of maternity and nursing fashions non-stop), but luckily I had a cardigan sweater with me and that helped. I guess covering up is important for the sake of others. I think I'd refuse a blanket too, like that woman did, I tend NOT to want to cover up if people just have me do it (it's in my rebellious nature :).

Thanks M, from Separation of Spheres for posting the link.

Two Years and Counting!

Two years ago today I posted on this blog for the first time.

It's been a very good "journey" so far, as I have recently written about. Reading other blogs has enabled me to connect to other mothers (and a few fathers too) like myself and also taught me so much about other people's experiences. I can confidently say that I am a much more open, empathetic, accepting, and conciliatory person after all that I have experienced online. I have now a greater respect for other people's (particularly mothers') experiences and have become much less judgemental as a result. Of course I still have strong feelings regarding the things that I believe in, but I think that each person's life circumstances are different and people make different choices based on those.

I'm not very motivated to write today (I've been trying to write this since morning), but I wanted to write a post to mark this day one more time. The post I wrote last year is so happy and light hearted, it seems like it was ages ago. Today is not a good day for me to reflect on this, but I think the past year has changed me quite a bit. I got sick, I've been having a hard time being a mom full time, I still have the dissertation looming over my head and a few jobs to apply to. I feel like life is finally catching up with me. But, more on that later... I promise.

Down Will Come Baby...

... Mother and all.

I know that's not how this song (which has pretty tragic lyrics) ends, but that's what happened to us this Saturday.

Literary Mama has a column with the same name written by Rebecca Kaminsky (which I went and re-read all over again today). In the first installment, she describes how she dropped her month old baby and then used this accident as a metaphor for the pos-partum depression that followed. I truly don't want to regard our fall as a metaphor for anything that is happening or may take place in our lives in the near future, I just wanted to share a scary moment.

Ever since I had babies and I've been climbing up and down the stairs while holding them (both our homes have two floors, plus basements) many times a day, I always think to myself, "What if I fall with the baby in my arms? What if I drop the baby?" Well, it had to happen sometime, I guess...

On Saturday afternoon I was in church with the boys when my oldest said he needed to go to the bathroom. We got out the front side door and started climbing down the steep stairs with my almost 2 1/2 year old in my arms, when he told me he had already wet his pants. I got a bit mad at him and told him to hurry and not to get it even more wet and I started walking faster too. That's when I lost my balance. I had only gone 2/3 of the way down and was some 5 steps from the bottom. I instinctively turned to shield Linton (who's pretty heavy, I should add, at almost 30 pounds/ 13.6 kg) and a friend who was walking by tried to catch me (he only hurt his arm), but I scraped my knee and elbow and fell almost on top of my son, who only had a red arm as a consequence. He started crying and I quickly checked him out for any injuries. Kelvin was quite upset, asking me repeatedly why that had happened and why I hadn't been more careful.

"All is well that ends well" so the saying goes, but it was pretty scary. And I had to drive with a sore knee as well. My right arm is sore from the fall too. I'm glad I was the one who got hurt, though, and not him. I'll be extra careful from now on!

Still There?

It feels like I haven't blogged for such a long time (hence the question in the title), but it has been less than a week. I'd made a kind of "resolution" to post more often, but life has been intervening. I guess I'm not participating of NaBloPoMo (National Blog Posting Month) for a reason :) although I'm enjoying imensely to read daily (or almost daily :)) posts by some of my favorite bloggers such as Sandra (Here in Korea), Jody (Raising WEG), Chigagomama, and Susan (ReadingWritingLiving). Did I forget anyone in my blogroll that is participating? And meanwhile, I miss the posts by those NaNoWriMo participants Jo and Kateri (I know Sandra is trying to do both!).

anyway, we've had some crazy days around here and I'm really exhausted. My husband went to Brazil for the weekend and thankfully is returning this morning. Trip preparations kept us busy last week, and then I had the kids full time for four nights and three days. Did I mention that I'm exhausted? Well, yes, and to make me even more exhausted just thinking about it, he's going again this weekend, can you believe it?

So I wouldn't have to be here all by myself all weekend, on Saturday evening, after a really looong day at church, I drove to Maryland to spend less than 24 hours with my brother- and sister-in-law and my two cute nephews. The boys had a great time, they didn't want to leave. Good for them that we're going back there on Thursday (hubby's leaving from Dulles) and then on Sunday.

Well, I do take responsibility for part of my exhaustion, since I do get involved in many things such as leading a singing group and cooking (for church) and last week I also helped out a Brazilian "neighbor" (she lives in the next town over, some 10 blocks away), taking her and her twin kids shopping in a Luso-Brazilian market in New Jersey on Friday while I should be cleaning, cooking, and preparing for the group practice (in my home every Friday night) + impromptu surprise birthday party for one of the members. But a lot of my tiredness is caused by having to care for the boys and get up at 5 am to give Linton breakfast. Well, more on that later. I have to go clean my kitchen which is a wreck from all the cooking I did on Friday and Saturday morning, and try to prepare something for my husband to have for lunch. And we're picking him up at the airport in less than 2 hours.

Restaurant Savy

These past few days weren't easy for Kelvin, since he wasn't allowed to eat almost every food that he asked to eat. He then began to talk constantly about food, making long lists of his favorite foods, poor thing. On Friday, though, he told me something that I found very amusing. Both boys (but particularly him) love to eat out, even though that's a very rare treat in our household, something that happens once a month, at the most.

"Mama," he said, "when can we go to a restaurant where we can sit down and ask for the food?"

"Why?" I asked.

"Because I don't like those restaurants in which we go and get the food. I only like the ones where they bring the food to us!"

Smart, huh? I started laughing, thinking that the last two times we ate out were at IKEA and Panera Bread, places where we go and pick up the food (he did tell me later, though that he did like Panera), and that it has been a while since we've eaten at a sit down and order place :) His favorite is Olive Garden, BTW... it's there that I first saw him eat lettuce, at the age of 2 1/2. Too bad the dressing costs 25 bucks a jar.

Ominous Start

I couldn't get to sleep very easily last night. I couldn't forgive myself for what happened. Thankfully, I do feel better now, so I'm glad I didn't get up to post on the blog as I felt like doing. I had even felt better earlier, when I originally found out the bad news yesterday afternoon.

Last year, after I applied to one lone job, I aptly described myself as an "accidental applicant." Well, who knew that a year later I'd be even worse off! First, I had (and I'm still having) a hard time to finally decide to go ahead and apply for the first job. The late decision meant a very short notice request or my committee member to write recommendation letters. The postmark deadline was yesterday. My former advisor was traveling and thought he wouldn't make it, but I practically begged him to try and mail a letter and he did. I got his email in the afternoon and I gave a sigh of relief.

I forgot one small detail though, checking with the third reference, the committee member who was so enthusiastic with my work last October that she seemed to be eager to write letters recommending me. My initial mistake was sending two emails in sequence. The first with the request for the said letter (including the job posting and an attached CV), the second, shortly after, with the deadline for the next applications -- since I wanted to get ahead with those and not give them such a short notice. She responded to the second, and I thought she'd meant that OK, she'd write the letter. I didn't find out until it was almost evening yesterday, and too late to mail a letter, that she in fact hadn't mailed the letter. The university in question won't even look at my application if all materials aren't postmarked by Nov. 6. How disappointing! We exchanged 13 emails (about other topics too) last night, and I took it in stride, I told her it was OK, and she agreed with me that it was a very long shot anyway...

But all that doesn't take away from the pain that I won't even have tried, and it's only partly my fault. It doesn't take away my shame because my former advisor had to go through so much trouble to mail a letter. I feel very discouraged to send the next handful of applications. This is not the only reason, though. I won't have time to get an "official" dossier together through the university's career center. I didn't even know about this until last week when my advisor told me I shouldn't be asking them for letters, but should put together a dossier. I haven't been on campus for the past two years and I haven't attended any workshops on the job search, etc, I'm blaming that for my situation. My only references are what I can find online, particularly in the Chronicle Careers site. I feel I'm even worse off than the "accidental applicant" I was last year, I'm actually a clueless and proably "undeserving" one. All this makes me hate academia with a vengeance. If I'm ill prepared to apply, what does that say to my preparedness to even be considered for a position?

Oh, who cares? I don't think I do, really. When it gets to a point like this I start to see all of this like a game, it's just a very artificial and set up game, only those who know the rules can have any part on it. I think of all the things Articulate Dad has written about his fruitless searches. I think of the negative thoughts I have at each academic conference (I need to post about that sometime), and I just feel very sad and even disgusted. I do not fit in, that's clear enough. I may be talented, but I'm not really a player, I haven't been properly trained, I did take the "dissertation seminar" from my dept, which does prepare us for the market in a way, twice (second time I just audited), but that wasn't enough, and not being there doesn't help me much. I mean, if I could meet with my committee members, it would be much easier.

Well, in retrospect, I felt very flattered that the lone application I sent last year yielded an email saying that they might do a phone interview (it never happened because I went to Brazil in December-January and they found a match at the MLA), so I was kind of confident in my ability to write good letters and stuff. Two of the postings do ask for dossiers, though, and it will be so time consuming to put something together. I don't know what I'll do at this point. I'll try, I guess, but my heart is not really on it. Particularly because of one key point: even if I had an offer, my husband's offers will probably come only a few weeks later, and I wouldn't even be able to make a decision. I want to check whether any of those "first person" essays in the Chronicle about dual career couples addressed this issue -- the one experienced by couples from different fields. Well, that said, I just wanted to get all that off my chest. It probably won't stay at the top for long. I'm going to write a parenting post, since those are more fun and uplifting anyway! :)

Slowly Getting Better

Things are very slowly getting better here at Casa in Translation. Linton, the youngest, is pretty much all better now -- except that he doesn't want to sleep in his own bed anymore (of course) and still wants to nurse in the middle of the night... sigh. I'm sure that my milk helped him cope better with the virus. He'd been down to pretty much two breastfeeding sessions a day, morning and night, with some night nursing while we were in Massachusetts and when he had a cold, so I had to drink lots of Mother's Milk tea and let him nurse often to get my supply up.

Kelvin is still feeling pretty sick. Like I thought, he didn't vomit again, but yesterday he had diarrhea the whole day and he was very tired, sleeping a lot. Now the challenge is having him restrict his food input to the "BRAT" diet (babnanas, rice, applesauce, toast), or potatoes (which he doesn't like) and pasta. Last night after Linton slept I spent a lot of time with him, just cuddling and talking, it felt great, after a whole weak with Linton constantly in my lap, whining and needy. The good thing with older kids is that you can actually have very nice conversations with them. Kelvin cracks me up sometimes, I have to post some things he's been saying lately.

There are tons of things I want to write about, but it's just a bit tough right now. I hope to be able to do so pretty soon, though, OK?

Here We Go!

My little one is slowly getting better, but he woke up countless times between 3-6 am in the past two nights. It makes for a very tired mama.

This evening, his older brother finally caught up with him... and vomited, even though he'd been saying all day, like a mantra, "I don't want to vomit, mama, I don't want to get sick." Poor thing. He was devastated. I had told him to try and wash his hands often so he wouldn't catch his brother's virus, but of course that was almost unavoidable (and I shouldn't have given him any hope that he might avoid it). After it happened he kept saying, "But I washed my hands and I tried to stay away from Linton!" Well, now he says he doesn't want to ever go close to his brother again... That would take care of the sibling rivalry all right! :)

And to think they may have caught the virus from their little cousin! How long do these horrible creatures live anyway? My nephew was sick three weekends ago, when we were in Nashville. His diarrhea (which happened after he was already eating and feeling OK) abated nine days before they came to visit on Saturday.

Now I'm really really afraid of getting it too. How am I ever eat again thinking that it might be my last meal for a while? Oh boy, this is tough.

Thanks everyone for your lovely comments in my previous post. It warms my heart to know that you too have found wonderful friends and felt happier because of blogging. And Jeannette, I should have included you on that list, of course! As soon as the boys get better, we HAVE to get together. Oh, and talking about play dates I'm feeling really guilty that my Brazilian friend who's almost a neighbor (they live in the next town over, walking distance from us) came to visit with her twins, boy and girl (almost 5 years old), yesterday. I hope they don't catch it too!!

Updated to add: And I have to send out a job application tomorrow. Fun, huh?

How Blogging Changed My Life

This post wasn't meant to see the light for a while. I also really dislike the title, but I wasn't able to come up with anything better, more original, fresh or smart-sounding -- sorry about that! :) I wanted to write the post slowly, create a "masterpiece" that conveyed all my feelings about this subject. But then late last night I read Corey's beautiful post about meeting Alice and her family last summer (here's Alice's response) and it moved me so much, that I just couldn't wait to write about this.

When I started blogging, almost two years ago, I felt unbearably lonely. It's true that I had just moved to a new city from a place where I had lived for eight years (MA) and I had just had my second baby while caring for a 2 year old. Loneliness was not a new feeling for me, though. For eight long years I had missed my country and my friends and tried to cope with being an expatriate, a graduate student in another country, trying to fit in and teach in a college system that was quite different from the one I had been exposed to in Brazil. After I had my sons, though, and all our friends in Brazil started having children around the same time (in 2003-4, before moving from MA to PA, I had visited Brazil and our first-born children had all played together), it became even harder to be here, separated not only from our best friends, but also from their children.

Of course these friendships were mostly based on past experiences, but those had been intense enough to keep us very close. During all those eight years (it's been over ten now), my husband would argue with me that my problem with not having friends or not being as close as I wanted to my friends was something that I'd experienced even back in Brazil, and he was right in this respect. I always struggled with the fact that I was never able to remain as close I used to be to my high-school friends after we all went to college, got boyfriends, got married. The problem with me was that I needed to share a lot of myself in order to feel close to them. I always kept journals and wrote poems (which I shared with my friends), and even wrote them letters, but all that was a "one way" communication. After we moved to the U.S. virtually none of my close friends from Brazil ever wrote regular emails to me and that really made me very lonely (there's one exception, Marco, but he "doesn't count" because he's a blogger and a writer and he'd always respond to my emails because he loves to write, like me).

All right, I'm crying, almost sobbing, as I write this. Let me backtrack a bit. After I met my husband in 1990, we formed several life-long friendships in the years that led to our move to this country in 1996. He became close friends with several of my high-school friends and together we met lots of new people in the university and while singing in a choir that traveled all over the country. So we made many incredible friends and had unforgettable and profound experiences together. Then we left them all behind and embarked on a new journey. For 10 years we have been trying to keep in touch, meet for all-night-long conversations (although things get much more complicated when we all have children) when we go to Brazil, like the one that we had the night before I wrote this post. But it's always hard to try to convey eight, nine years of experiences in a foreign country to your friends who remained in Brazil, not to mention the fact that we sometimes had to waste a lot of time trying to make them understand how politics works here (Brazilians are generally VERY critical of the U.S., to the point of obnoxiousness, to say the least). Anyway, what I wrote on that post last January kind of sums up my relationship with blogging -- it came to mean "living" for me -- interacting with other people, getting to know people, so I wouldn't feel lonely and would feel alive. So I wrote:

These days I’m not blogging because I’m finally “living” instead of just pretending I have a life, which I is the case most of the time when I’m not in Brazil, particularly because I when I’m in the US I feel the need to be online a lot, it’s the only semblance to “having a life” that I can find in our lives there, my only way to interact with like-minded people, to meet new friends, etc. Depressing, isn’t it?

and

I finally don’t feel jealous of Jo(e), who’s one of my favorite bloggers, particularly because of her wonderful, moving posts about her family and her rich, fulfilling life experiences. And I feel like I can finally identify with many moments described by one of my favorite mama writers, Catharine Newman (e.g. I can’t even begin to describe here Kelvin’s budding relationship to our best friends’ daughter Beatriz [photo below], I can finally appreciate fully when Catharine writes about Ben and Ava. Too bad we’re going away in just 2 weeks

I have spent ten years torn between living here and going back to Brazil. I would often complain to my husband that I felt lonely, that we needed to go back to Brazil because only there we could have a satisfying social life and real friends. After the children were born, the friends there actually started begging us to come back, showing us how good friends our children were (which is true, see the photo on the left), how lovely it would be to have them grow up together (I'm going to start crying again) since they were all the same age and could be friends like we were. We still don't know if going back the way for us, there are so many issues at stake like I wrote on the post cited above.

One thing has definitely changed, or "evolved" from January to now. I no longer think that my "online life" as opposed to a "real life" is depressing anymore, on the contrary. All right, first let me say that I am aware that I'm absolutely addicted to blogging. I talk about blog posts and my blogger friends all the time with my husband (it was very tough to refrain from talking to my parents about it, I guess this is one of the reasons why we didn't talk much in the 10 months they were here, and I do feel kind of bad about this). Moreover, I often feel guilty about how much time I spend reading other people's blogs, commenting, and writing on my blog.

However, I started to feel OK about it one day after a long conversation in the car with my husband, driving back from Maryland one Sunday night last Summer. I was very surprised by what he told me. He said that I had become a much easier person to live with in the past year. That I didn't complain as much and that I was generally happy all the time. I just sat there, in silence, mulling his words over. I then said tentativelly,

"Don't you think then that it's bad that I spend so much time blogging? Am I not wasting my time?" and he responded that no, it wasn't. I won't ever forget what he said next, though:

"Have you noticed that you have stopped saying that you want to go back to Brazil?"

I just sat there, dumbfounded. Even I didn't know that blogging had changed my life that much. We were silent for a while, letting this realization sink in. It was only after I started to make friends through blogging, to feel part of a community that shared many of my interests and had similar experiences, that I felt truly happy and stopped wishing for an "external change" (going back to Brazil and to our "old" friends) to make my life right. We then talked of how meaningful it was to me to have "met" these people, how fulfilling it was to be able to share my thoughts and feelings with like-minded friends, even if virtually. I had found what I had been longing for all those years, struggling to try to find time to share my thoughts, my journals, my life, with my now very busy friends. My husband wisely concluded:

"You're the kind of person who needs to share yourself with other people and when that need is met [through blogging], you're a much easier person to live with."

I realize that all these years the pressure on him was huge. I mean, it wasn't easy on him being an expatriate either, but I'm sure it was even harder having his wife complaining (and he hates whining) about how you don't have any friends, how you don't have time to read what she wrote in her journal (he does read the blog now :), or and how we should go back to Brazil because then we wouldn't feel so lonely... Regardless of that, I'm truly glad that he appreciates and values my experience with blogging.

The best part of all these "virtual friendships" is that they can become "in real life" friendships too!! Corey's post describes this really well. First, I really identify with what Corey wrote about emails or written communication such as blogging: "when I write about my thoughts via email or a blog, I feel a kind of expanse of space and time, a limitless freedom to be who I am."

Then, her description of meeting Alice was so wonderful:

We were meeting each other for the first time “backwards”: We met for the first time already knowing each other's difficulties, struggles, foibles and pet peeves rather than first putting up our best personas until our true selves slowly seeped through. But meeting that way means having already gotten to know each other and not needing to start from the beginning. We met already having gained the trust of the other.

I felt a similar connection with Cloudscome when we met over the Summer. I'm really looking forward to the day when I get to meet Alice, Corey, Kate, Juliet, Jo(e), Articulate Dad, Professing Mama, Professor Me, Aliki, and many others (I'm not including the links, sorry) in person as I have already met Kateri, Jo, Andi, Marta, and Cloudscome.

And now, Corey, you have to email me your phone number so I can call sometime so you can hear my voice, and I yours! :)

The Motherhood Manifesto Film

MomsRising is a great organization which "has a goal of championing core motherhood and family issues in political, social, and economic spheres" particularly here in the United States, which is a country which only values mothers and families nominally, but not in its policies and work environemnt.

They have published The Motherhood Manifesto (which is available at Amazon for only 2.99) and now they have produced a great documentary film version.

"Did you know [that] only four countries in the world—Lesotho, Swaziland, Papua New Guinea and the United States fail to provide paid maternity leave to all workers?" This and other facts are presented in this one hour film.

You can buy the film here. It costs only 6 dollars for shipping and DVD pressing.

You can also watch more clips of funny animation containted in the film here.

I'm glad I signed a petition to stop discrimination against mothers here in Pennsylvania (you can sign even if you don't live here) in the site and became a registered user, that's how I received an email announcing this film. You can register there too. It's a great way to participate in activistm on behalf or mothers and children in the U.S.

Spoke Too Soon

My son seemed to be better during the day, in spite of a total lack of appetite. I fed him only baby cereal with soy milk and some crackers. He didn't even want to drink water. He vomited again in the evening, after having one very loose bowel movement.

We're still in the woods.

I'm not feeling great either. Not much of an appetite and some abdominal pains. I hope things don't get worse tomorrow (today, I should say :)


On other news of an academic nature, I have finally started working on job applications. I'm happy to report that my husband and I have found positions for both of us to apply in three universities and there's a fourth geographical area with universities in commuting distance from each other that both can also apply. I know four is a very small number, but it's still better than zero!! At least now I'm getting a bit more motivated to apply. I'll keep you posted.

A Quickie (Updated)

I was quite busy this weekend, so I wasn't able to write. I had a friend's baby shower to attend and my brother- and sister-in-law's came to visit. It was the first time that my youngest nephew (4 months old) came here. The boys had lots of fun with their older cousin (who's 2 like my youngest).

One thing I haven't even mentioned in my previous posts and which I want to explore later is that for over two weeks in the middle of this month, my 2 year old got sick with a cold and also started waking up and crying every night, sometimes more than once. Before that, when I went to Massachusetts he also started nursing again in the middle of the night even though I night weaned him in June. Sleeping by my side just made it irresistible. It was hard to get him back on track and for a while we thought that the whole end of the family bed thing was just a delusion... but, things are slowly getting better. Last week he slept through the night on his crib and bedroom for two nights in a row -- I couldn't even believe it when I woke up. During the weekend the boys slept on mattresses the floor of our room, but they didn't wake up either.

Oh, yeah, and all of a sudden my ravenous eater, the 2 year old, is not interested in eating anymore, which is stressing me out. A few hours ago he vomited (all over his bed - thankfully, he had already vomited a small amount before falling asleep and I, fearing the worst, put him on a matress on our bedroom). I'm hoping it's not the stomach flu, like it happened with Aliki last weekend (and with my nephew two weekends ago). Wish us luck. I'll keep you posted.


Pending posts: I want to tell you, two months late, about our Florida vacation; I want to write more about the boys, and I also have a couple more parenting posts. I'm delighted that my previous post ressonated with so many people!

Updated to add: my son woke up feeling fine this morning, so I guess it was just an upset stomach because of something that he ate. What a relief!

Full-Time at Home Parenting: Delight or Torture?

After I expressed some negative thoughts about being home with the boys in this post, some of my blogging friends (Kate and Alice) directed me to another post on the subject written recently by Dinka. Alice even went on to write her own post on motherhood and loneliness. I was also reading Articulate Dad's September posts and came across a post in which, among other things, he touches on the same subjects -- this time from the point of view of a father, so this is definitely not something only mothers feel.

Articulate Dad wrote:

[F]ull-time parenting . . . is a great joy and a tiring burden. Those who have never served as stay-at-home parents may simply never understand. I wonder at those parents who choose this life, embrace it, revel in it, thrive even. I respect them and admire them, but I fail to fully understand them.

and

It is not that I don't delight in being a father. But it is that my hands at times feel tied, my life completely overwhelmed by duty, one which keeps me from other things I might wish to be doing.
. . . Parenting is exhausting: perhaps less so for those better equipped for its rigors, or better adjusted to its demands.

I fully agree with the "great joy and a tiring burden" of the first quote, I tried to convey a similar idea in my title with "delight or torture." As for the choosing part, some people just don't really choose it, AD, they just don't have any other options, or make a personal sacrifice for the sake of their children. As for the second quote, I feel the same about being a mother most of the time!! The language he uses describes full-time parenting so brilliantly! The tied hands, the life "life completely overwhelmed by duty," I have felt them too. This constant duty is tiresome beyond imagination, some may, as he claims, be better equipped to deal with it, but I am certainly not one of them. Some people even have enough energy, discipline, and patience to home school their kids!! I'd love to do that, but I don't think I ever could ("unschooling" like Dawn does might be possible, but I'm not disciplined enough even for that).

The problem of loneliness discussed by Dinka and Alice, may have more to do with gender and the way mothers interact (or not) with other mothers. Dinka wrote:

But all the lack of free time and sleep aside the hardest part of all this is the loneliness. I don't care what they say but motherhood lived this way is just not right. Are we really supposed to toil away by ourselves day after day (uh and night after night) with minimal contact to other people, performing the tasks over and over while we pull all the creativity and inspiration and good cheer that is necessary to raise a human out of thin air[?]

I agree. It doesn't seem right to me either -- this is one of the reasons why the work that mothers do should be more valued and, if possible, compensated accordingly, as I have already argued here before. I especially like the part about raising "a human out of thin air."

She finished with some of the same thoughts expressed by Articulate Dad, but with a twist aimed at the other mothers who apparently "have it all together" and don't seem to want to start friendships with her:

I like doing my thing as a mother. I like the kids and the house and my own schedule, but I hate being on my own all the time. It's not easy to make friends, I'm aware. More than anything one needs to be ready to open up and show some vulnerability and take a risk. It's hard to feel drawn to a person who seems to have it all and all together. We're so busy keeping up appearances but then we all go home, sit by ourselves and wonder what if.

My comment to Dinka's post included: "The only thing that has kept me sane is blogging and blog reading... I also got to meet some blogging mothers who live in the Philly area." And this is true. Blogging and reading the experience of other mothers has been more than therapeutic for me, it has been life changing and has sustained through these difficult years of having very young children at home.

Sometimes I feel literally caged at home, since it takes so much energy to go out the door with two boys under 4. It's not easy to do grocery shopping and nearly impossible to do clothes shopping, for example, with them. Even when we do get the chance to meet with friends, it's very tough to conduct a conversation, since we always have to be paying attention to what the boys are doing. I'm sure this gets better when they become older, but parenting young children is "one of the hardest thing one can ever do" as I also wrote for Dinka. And to make matters worse, mothers don't really seem to get along with other mothers. I just wish I could still link to Chez Miscarriage's post and hundreds of comments about "Mommy Drive Bys."

Is there a solution for these problems? Probably not, but at least it's good to hear from other parents and to know that we're not alone, even though we may be painfully lonely.