Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Ominous Start

I couldn't get to sleep very easily last night. I couldn't forgive myself for what happened. Thankfully, I do feel better now, so I'm glad I didn't get up to post on the blog as I felt like doing. I had even felt better earlier, when I originally found out the bad news yesterday afternoon.

Last year, after I applied to one lone job, I aptly described myself as an "accidental applicant." Well, who knew that a year later I'd be even worse off! First, I had (and I'm still having) a hard time to finally decide to go ahead and apply for the first job. The late decision meant a very short notice request or my committee member to write recommendation letters. The postmark deadline was yesterday. My former advisor was traveling and thought he wouldn't make it, but I practically begged him to try and mail a letter and he did. I got his email in the afternoon and I gave a sigh of relief.

I forgot one small detail though, checking with the third reference, the committee member who was so enthusiastic with my work last October that she seemed to be eager to write letters recommending me. My initial mistake was sending two emails in sequence. The first with the request for the said letter (including the job posting and an attached CV), the second, shortly after, with the deadline for the next applications -- since I wanted to get ahead with those and not give them such a short notice. She responded to the second, and I thought she'd meant that OK, she'd write the letter. I didn't find out until it was almost evening yesterday, and too late to mail a letter, that she in fact hadn't mailed the letter. The university in question won't even look at my application if all materials aren't postmarked by Nov. 6. How disappointing! We exchanged 13 emails (about other topics too) last night, and I took it in stride, I told her it was OK, and she agreed with me that it was a very long shot anyway...

But all that doesn't take away from the pain that I won't even have tried, and it's only partly my fault. It doesn't take away my shame because my former advisor had to go through so much trouble to mail a letter. I feel very discouraged to send the next handful of applications. This is not the only reason, though. I won't have time to get an "official" dossier together through the university's career center. I didn't even know about this until last week when my advisor told me I shouldn't be asking them for letters, but should put together a dossier. I haven't been on campus for the past two years and I haven't attended any workshops on the job search, etc, I'm blaming that for my situation. My only references are what I can find online, particularly in the Chronicle Careers site. I feel I'm even worse off than the "accidental applicant" I was last year, I'm actually a clueless and proably "undeserving" one. All this makes me hate academia with a vengeance. If I'm ill prepared to apply, what does that say to my preparedness to even be considered for a position?

Oh, who cares? I don't think I do, really. When it gets to a point like this I start to see all of this like a game, it's just a very artificial and set up game, only those who know the rules can have any part on it. I think of all the things Articulate Dad has written about his fruitless searches. I think of the negative thoughts I have at each academic conference (I need to post about that sometime), and I just feel very sad and even disgusted. I do not fit in, that's clear enough. I may be talented, but I'm not really a player, I haven't been properly trained, I did take the "dissertation seminar" from my dept, which does prepare us for the market in a way, twice (second time I just audited), but that wasn't enough, and not being there doesn't help me much. I mean, if I could meet with my committee members, it would be much easier.

Well, in retrospect, I felt very flattered that the lone application I sent last year yielded an email saying that they might do a phone interview (it never happened because I went to Brazil in December-January and they found a match at the MLA), so I was kind of confident in my ability to write good letters and stuff. Two of the postings do ask for dossiers, though, and it will be so time consuming to put something together. I don't know what I'll do at this point. I'll try, I guess, but my heart is not really on it. Particularly because of one key point: even if I had an offer, my husband's offers will probably come only a few weeks later, and I wouldn't even be able to make a decision. I want to check whether any of those "first person" essays in the Chronicle about dual career couples addressed this issue -- the one experienced by couples from different fields. Well, that said, I just wanted to get all that off my chest. It probably won't stay at the top for long. I'm going to write a parenting post, since those are more fun and uplifting anyway! :)

7 comments:

diber said...

I'm sorry. That has got to be frustrating. Like getting disqualified from a race you worked so hard to run. I hope you can find some encouraging words.

And doesn't it totally STINK to be long-distance from home institution. You miss out on everything!

Anonymous said...

((hugs))! I can imagine how horribly frustrating this must be for you!!! Please don't think that you are "undeserving", you deserve all the best jobs that are out there! Not knowing how certain things work in this world of ours doesn't make you undeserving. Unless you really think that the academia is not for you, I'd advise you not to give up, but to keep on trying. There's the perfect job waiting for you out there, somewhere!

Aliki2006 said...

Oh, how frustrating Lilian. I just don't think I'd have it in me to do a job search like that. My husband really threw himself into his job search, but he operates very differently from me. He did prepare a huge dossier before going on the market; that way he didn't have to request letters over and over again, but could just send out the same packet--tweaked, of course, to fit the job.

My sister and her husband are in the same boat. They are both looking for teaching jobs in the SAME discipline! Her husband has been very successful at finding jobs, my sister not and this has made things difficult for them. In my opinion my sister is an excellent teacher and researcher, but I think her husband--perhaps because they're in a male-dominated field--has just landed more positions. It's tough...

ArticulateDad said...

Chin up, my friend. You are the best Lilian out there. It is really just a matter of finding that match. I know it's tough and frustrating. Oh do I know. But there's nothing for it. We follow the paths of our own choosing. It's okay to veer one way or another as whim leads us. Just stay on the journey.

Hao Bao Bao said...

Hi there--I just came across your blog through Chicago Mama. I just completed my academic job search last year, so I really feel for you. It is killer. Killer. It is practically a full-time job, and like you, I felt like I was learning the rules as I went along. My husband and I are also both in academia. Negotiating job offers was also something we found really difficult, and something for which we were not prepared. We ended up in a situation where I have the ideal job (a tenure-track job at the kind of institution for which I am well-suited) and my husband had to continue with a term appointment for another year; now he is doing another search in hopes of finding something nearby. Anyway, that is a long story, but I wanted to introduce myself and tell you that I really do feel for you with the complications of the job search.

Oh, and also I did my dissertation research in Bahia--I love there for about a year! And I'm raising my child bilingually, although Chinese and English rather than Portuguese and English.

I'd love to know what your research is about (and tell you more about mine)--so please drop me a line if you are willing to share that information with me. (hmshirey at gmail).

Andromeda Jazmon said...

Oh Lilian that must be so discouraging. But you must keep trying. You can learn the game. You are talented and you need to have your work acknowledged. Years from now you will look back on this and the struggle will have been worth it, believe me!

M said...

My husband is on the market now, for the first time. It is a bit daunting, especially considering if he gets a job we will move and I will have to finish my dissertation away from my institution. This is one more thing weighing on my mind now. I don't particularly like where we live (small town TX is just not my cup of tea), but I'm really happy at my university and with our close circle of friends. As I watch him go through the frustration of applying, I sympathize with the position you're in.