The Flowers? Nah, Just The Irony of Ironies

Why, oh why did I have to go and cry about the flowers, of all things? So now I feel that a I am the butt of my own joke.

[insert sarcastic laugh here]

Two weeks ago when I was grieving about loosing this place I could not imagine what was and is yet to come... How terrible it would feel to watch the house being transformed under my very eyes in the ways we'd dreamed about when we purchased it, and to think that I may not get to enjoy all the wonderful new changes, that I'll just be forced hand them over to the buyer just because we cannot afford to live here. Yeah, I know, our own fault, buying this expensive house, BUT, on the other hand, had we not bought a house with great "flipping potential" we would be in much more trouble. We suspect that our other option, a 50K+ cheaper townhome, all redone (like we're doing this one) would be extremely hard to sell right now.

So, I know... positive attitude, blah, blah, blah, but when you see the new ceramic floors (no pictures just yet), these hardwood floors just uncovered in the living and dining rooms, stairs, and upstairs hallway:...the potential beauty of sanding and re-staining the kitchen cabinets, in addition to the 1200+ dollars just spent in brand new appliances for the kitchen (we're ordering them online -- much cheaper than buying in stores and much faster delivery)... it's all very painful. But I'm steeling myself, trying to feel a bit angry again so I'll have energy to go on, facing the endless cleaning, vacuuming, moving furniture and things around.

And these, BTW, are the flowers I was crying about (when I wrote that post, I didn't have a picture yet and used one from May): Pretty, right? But now, I look at them and can only feel the irony of the situation, so I go back inside to clean some more.

P.S.1 Please bear with me as I use this blog as a tool to cope and express my feelings as we undergo this period of transition that never ends. I know that it'll be all right in the end, but this thought doesn't make it any less painful, on the contrary.

P.S.2 In response to Prisca's lovely comment to the last post, I just wanted to clarify that we are obviously paying most of our friends (one of them, the most skilled and specialized refuses to be paid) and also helping one of them who didn't have any work this week. We cannot really afford any of this, BTW, but we need to do it, and of course helping our friends while paying less than we would for professional installation elsewhere makes much more sense (quite a bit of the money you pay for installation at these home improvement stores does NOT get to the installer. Two of our friends work as subcontractors under another subcontractor who is hired by yet another subcontractor representing the big chain store -- isn't that outrageous?).

--> If you live in the area and need professional, knowledgeable and affordable tile floor/ bathroom tile, etc, installation, do email me because I heartily recommend my friends!! And I'm obviously thankful for them as Prisca remarked. They are just coming over later today to finish the kitchen!

Gutted

That's how the small bathroom by the our bedroom has looked for five days now.
Today our friends began to work there, but not after a big setback because a plumbing puzzle -- how to fit in the new shower drain as well as the new shower -- that took all day. The kitchen is also undergoing a huge transformation. I hope to post pictures soon, in spite of the fact that I'm only using our video camera (which takes 3.2 megapixel photos) to take pictures. These here come to you as a courtesy of my friend's camera (her husband is helping us and he brought her camera with him yesterday).

I asked another friend to take the boys for the day and she thankfully did. I had a most chaotic morning, trying to empty all the cabinets while they sanded the lower ones and put the new countertop. My previously nice living and dining rooms are chaotic right now, with kitchen appliances, food, pots, pans, plates, strewn everywhere. While they were installing the countertop the new ceramic cooktop arrived, so they installed it. Poor K spent the day running from one home improvement store to another...

The boys will soon be home and we cannot cook, only in the microwave. We can only enter the kitchen tomorrow, but that doesn't make too much of a difference because the cabinets (which right now don't have any doors) still need to be sanded so we can put the stuff back.

This picture was taken yesterday and it shows how sanding will totally transform these ugly brown cabinets: A dream come true -- which I won't get to live, most probably, but that's the subject for another post.

Back on the Roller-Coaster

And this time, going down scarily fast...

Well, it turns out that less than 24h after my husband thought about that optimistic alternative that I blogged about, we found out that refinancing is not an option because K is leaving his job and won't qualify. The friend who warned us about this (and who used to be a mortgage broker) did tell us that there was another hopeful alternative -- talking to the bank and seeing whether something could be done, like recalculating the mortgage, taking PMI off, paying only interest, things like those. So... over the weekend we remained relatively hopeful about keeping the house.

Well, after talking to the bank yesterday, things look grim again. They're sending a package in the mail with the options (we don't know what they are, but probably not what we were looking for) and K called another number (for "loss mitig@tion") and the almost rude lady he talked to said bluntly that selling is what needs to be done. Nice. Helpful.

Last weekend, after I had already cried and grieved about the house, all I felt was anger and an urge to get rid of this place as soon as possible. I felt energized and wanted to get it ready to sell. On Tuesday evening, though, after a dentist visit with a friend whose son goes to school with our son, prompted K to think that we should keep Kelvin at the school he attends and thus, motivated him to think about ways to keep the house -- that's when he came up with the idea of refinancing that derailed us from our previous thoughts on preparing the house for sale and put our hopes and spirits up (I must say that this was good at least for having my party and also motivated us to spend Friday putting up photos and art on the walls -- my strongest wish since e moved in -- the photos wouldn't have gone up on the walls had we still thought that we were selling for sure because they're not very good for showings -- people will recognize you later which may feel strange).

Anyway... we're back to hurriedly preparing the house for sale. Major things have to be done, but I'll have to blog about this more later. Several other things and big decisions are going on as well... I'll be back later. Right now I'm neither angry nor broken hearted anymore, but I'm pretty sad, scared (of the many projects we have to tackle, fearing things might go wrong), and tired of having to live like this...

What about the positive attitude change that I "announced" a while back? Well, I am doing my best to keep positive. We have already found a nice townhome to rent and they do have openings coming up in August and September and I keep trying to think of how much easier and less stressful life will be if we live within our means. I am trying. Frustrating thoughts do come up more often than I'd like though... Hopefully blogging will help me deal with that. Thanks for listening.

Test Cleaning!

For some reason I really do enjoy cleaning the house, although the inertia to get started gets the better of me and I only do it in spurts. Well, this cool product that I'm about to review is supposed to help make cleaning much more convenient and hassle free and it does!!

If you like the "parent product" you will love this new option to clean bathroom tubs, sinks, vanity tops, and other washable surfaces in the house. You don't need to use paper towels and/or a brush or sponge, you just attach the product-infused "spongy" pouch to the soft scrubber, add some water and it will foam when you rub it in the surface to be cleaned. The smell is nice and fresh and the firm, yet soft, flexible, reusable scrubber (which is also green, my favorite color!) is easy on hands and helpful to clean tricky surfaces such as faucets. All you have to do when you're done scrubbing is rinse with water! I wish I could post pictures, but my camera is dead and I have to figure out how to download the photos from my video camera (I took some photos when I was cleaning my bathroom sink :-).

Oh, and last but not least, the product's website is offering a 2.75 off coupon this month!

This review was sponsored (with a gift certificate to this store) by:

Celebrating Birthday and Graduation -- Photos Galore!

Last Saturday night we threw a party to celebrate my birthday and also my graduation, since I had not been able to do that earlier because we traveled to Brazil soon after commencement. I decided to do it only last week so I didn't really plan too much, which was good. A good friend helped me by preparing sandwiches and I made salsa, a cake and other desserts. I had bought graduation decorations and we used those too. It was lots of fun and I'm sharing (thanks to another friend and her camera because we haven't decided yet which camera we want -- we're returning the one I got for my b-day) a bunch of photos. Enjoy!

We held the party outside in out back patio (we don't have central air conditioner and the house was hot as an oven, except for a window unite working full force in the dining room and helping cool the kitchen and living room). We moved the futon there, folding chairs, and our two folding tables. The weather was wonderful, cool, breezy and there were no mosquitoes!!

Here's a picture of half (OK, more than half) of the folks who were there:

The other half:(we had almost 40 people!)

Some of the food:

The cake:(I bought the pan months ago for 3.99 -- I figured it was worth spending that even if I was going

to use it only once. I'm keeping it for Kelvin and Linton's graduations, though! :-)

Oh, and that's my actual tassel!

Getting ready to blow the candle:

Being silly with two of my gifts:

(both given by a dear friend who is shoe obsessed -- the shoe is not my style at all, BTW, but don't go tell her, OK? I'll wear it a few times so she'll see it, I'm OK with that [wearing things that I don't much like]):

And here you can see some of the desserts better...... and the happy 37 year old who finally holds a Ph.D. (and a colorful candle whose wax she clumsily just sprinkled all over the cake)
It was lots of fun!

This Made My Day, I Mean, Night

I heart parodies, and I'm actually very good at writing them. I used to do it all the time with two of my best girl friends (who happen to be twins) during high school and even our college years. I actually felt like writing a parody of a Brazilian song by Chico Buarque on the day of my defense last May. Too bad I only had the idea, but not the time to complete it (song parodies were always our forte).

Anyway, I cannot believe I hadn't heard of this book until today (via Anjali, and by proxy, Laura -- thanks my friends!) because it's positively brilliant! Goodnight Moon is one of our favorites here at home (and you may, or may not know, sometimes I really do not write as much as I should about me as I should in this here old blog) and even more so because I'm passionate about children's books in general.

So, do check Goodnight Bush's website and its facebook photos. I was particularly tickled by the seal portrayed below (I'm also an ardent fan of Stephen Colbert, although I can probably count with my hands the number of times I watched his show -- we can only do it online).
I really want to buy this book!

We Have Other Alternatives!

I am thrilled to report that we are thinking of other alternatives to selling the house.

The main one would be refinancing it so we can lower the mortgage payment by eliminating PMI by paying more of the principal. The truth is that it would be nearly impossible to do all the renovations that still need to be done so we can put the house on the market until the end of the month. Moreover, if we lower the monthly payment, the difference between a rental and the mortgage payment won't be that great.

I feel very relieved. And I need to go to bed right now because it's much too late.

Unexpected Birthday Present

No, it was not the camera that K gave me (which did surprise me and we really need one because ours died)...

It was my third nephew, who gets to share his birthday with me (and with his great-grandmother, my husband's grandma) because he was born at 11:30 pm. I only learned now because in Texas where he was born it's an hour earlier and they just called my MIL who, in turn, chatted with me on Skype. Oh yeah, and my nephew also shares part of my name (the last few letters), which is also pretty cool!

I think it was very nice of him to come today because other boys in the family have refused for years to share birthdays with family members. His dad, "K3," was born one day after his paternal grandmother and my first nephew D was born the day after my mother-in-law's birthday. Linton refused to share his birthday both with his paternal grandpa and his dad (who was also born three days after his dad's birthday). Thanks!

So, my dear nephew, I love you very much already (I'm tearing up just saying that and thinking of that newborn baby) and I can't wait to meet you. Tomorrow (ok, today, it's past midnight) I'll get to see your photo and I'm sure I'll be moved to tears again. I know you're going to be very beautiful and I hope you have hair, but maybe you won't have any, like three of your cousins (only your youngest cousin M had hair). One day we'll play together and have fun because your aunt here loves her nephews so very much and she misses her baby sons already. In less than a month you'll meet us all and I can't wait to hold you and kiss you. And maybe someday we'll share a birthday cake and blow our candles together, OK? I'll give you the first piece.

Birthday Wishes

We're at my brother-in-law's house, so this will be a quick post. We drove here late on Saturday night and the boys are having a wonderful time playing with their cousins. The nasty virus is on its way out. Kelvin's rash is fading away. We have realized, because of a friend's suggestion, that the virus had a worse effect in Kelvin because he's taking antibiotics which may weaken the response of his immune system.

So, it's my birthday and my "bloggy wish" is to post some more pictures of me as a child and write a post about the birthdays I remember. I don't know if I'll get my wish or not, so I'm already posting this. I have already received two lovely blouses as gifts from my dear sister-in-law and K forgot my present at home, so there's more waiting for me. I have also bought several things for myself as "birthday gifts" (in Brazil and yesterday here -- cute ballet style flats). I guess we're going to have lunch out on our way back home and... that will be it. Let's hope I find the time to post later. It's just that we have so much to do at home that it's hard to take time to blog. I'm glad that yesterday we were able to sew three curtain panels (IKEA fabric) for my bedroom with the help of my sister-in-law's mother, who is visiting from Brazil. Too bad I forgot the fourth panel home, but they're going to visit us next week and we'll sew it then.

Well, that's it for now. Happy Birthday to me. :-)

Enter -- Red Spotted Rash -- What a Virus!!!

It looks like this is becoming a disease related blog, isn't it, with some house-related angst thrown in for good measure ;-) . Anyway, I'm sorry I didn't update earlier, it's just that we spent the day working on the house, as expected.

Kelvin woke up and soon was able to walk normally again -- thankfully! We were all relived, not that we were too worried to begin with, thanks to the "internets." The problem today is that he had (still has) a rash all over his body and more markedly in his face -- quite scary! This time Dr. Google was not very helpful because it directed me to the terrifying disease "Rocky*Mountain*Spotted*Fever" (I'm trying to be less googleable here) -- you can read more about it here and here. I began to freak out because the tick that transmits this disease is precisely the one that we found on Kelvin!!! (a possible hint that he may not have Lyme after all) And he had high fever! And now a rash! Granted, the rash didn't begin in the ankles and elbows and radiated to the arms and legs and there was no rash on his feet and hands. In addition, it has been well over two weeks since he was first bitten by the tick. (in case you're wondering, in his body he has tiny red marks, and his face is red and blotchy, particularly his cheeks and chin and the rash is a bit "raised" there. It doesn't itch at all).

Photos from Sunday, two days after I wrote the post (added on 11/10/08):
Well, I called the pediatrician's answering service and the nurse who was on call (the same one who saw Kelvin and prescribed amoxicilin for the possible Lyme a week ago) was very helpful. She explained to me that many other children in the practice have come down with a virus that causes a rash just like the one that I was describing. She explained that the rash (which is not supposed to itch) will go away from 3 to 5 days and that he's probably not very contagious at this point (one of my worries, since we're going to a party for my nephew's second birthday on Sunday -- my nephew, BTW, is recovering from had hand, foot, and mouth disease, what a wonderful viral party this will be! :-). The only problem is if the fever continues or goes up since with this particular virus the rash comes only after the fever, as the later manifestation of the virus.

So, the viral fun never ends at this house. Meanwhile, walls are getting painted and plans are being made for further renovations. I promise to post pictures, maybe soon.

Benign Acute Myositis

Have you ever heard of the condition above? Well, I never had either, until today.

Kelvin woke up this morning and told us that he could not walk because his legs hurt. After having to carry him to the bathroom and couch, and seeing him get around on all fours and only being able to stand for a few second on his toes, I decided to investigate with "Dr. Google's" help. I was feeling all apprehensive about these symptoms (muscle pain) being a consequence of Lyme disease, but after googling the correct combination of words (leg muscle pain in child "cannot walk" low fever), I got to this definition here:

Benign acute myositis
In benign acute myositis, a young child suddenly develops severe leg pain and cannot walk normally. These symptoms are dramatic and frightening, but they usually disappear within a few days. Benign acute myositis usually occurs in children who are recovering from the flu or some other respiratory infection caused by a virus. Doctors are not sure whether the child's muscle symptoms are caused by the virus itself or by the body's immune reaction to the virus.

So, there you go, this is what Kelvin has, I'm sure. I also found an academic article about it whose description further assured me of it.

The site mentioned above (which coincidentally seems to be sponsored by our health insurance company) also further describes the symptoms which match exactly Kelvin's situation right now:

A child suddenly has trouble walking and complains of severe leg pain. This pain is often worst in the calf muscles. In most cases, the child also has a history of recent fever, runny nose, sore throat and other upper respiratory symptoms.

The duration and treatment: " Patients usually recover within three to seven days." "Your child's doctor will prescribe medication for pain. No other treatment is necessary, because the illness usually gets much better within a few days."

I don't think Kelvin needs medication for pain because he is not complaining of any pain, only when trying to walk, so I didn't even call the doctor, but maybe I should have because the site adds: "Call your doctor immediately if: (. . .) Your child complains of severe leg pain and has trouble walking" -- too late, I only saw this now. Oh well, I think he's going to be fine in a few days like they say. In any case, I'll keep you posted.

No, my friends, life is NEVER, ever boring in our family! And I guess we're going to have a very low key holiday (we were planning to travel and stuff, but now we're only going to Maryland on Sunday for my youngest nephew's second birthday (he's the youngest for now -- our family is on "Nephew watch 2008" for the TENTH boy on my mother-in-law's life: one husband, four sons and four grandsons so far).

And, watch this space and the neglected photo blog. I am going to start posting house and house renovation photos ASAP! These will be part of my farewell of the house.

Oh, yesterday both boys went to the doctor (Linton coincidently had his yearly check-up) and, OF COURSE their fevers were GONE by the time the appointment came. The doctor examined them and said that they are fine (no throat, ear, lung problems) and that it was most certainly a virus. The bad thing is that both boys are still slightly feverish (101) today. I'm very annoyed at this awful virus!!

Why Can't I Stop Thinking About the Flowers?

And crying?It's the little, seemingly superfluous things that bring me into a dark place.

As for the flowers, well, I know why they bear the brunt of my grief. I planted them and they are a great comfort to me, so the prospect of losing them is overwhelmingly painful.

We've decided to put the house on the market because of plain and simple reasons: we cannot afford to live here after K leaves his current job for the postdoc and we'll be a happier family if we can live within our means. I know all that, and rationally I understand it's the best thing to do, but this doesn't lessen the pain one bit. I know, and I hope it'll get better, but right now it's so intense I can hardly bear it.

Judging from how much I cried in the last 18 hours -- as many times as I cried during the "black hole" period from October 21-December 18 last year -- there will be much more crying now that we'll have to face the consequence of our decision to buy this house than there ever was during that unfortunate time. The flowers prompted the crying, but, as I was watering them last night,
there was one really poignant moment infused with metaphoric resonance...

As I was thinking that I had just been plunged into a dark place again, I accidentally killed a firefly and saw its crushed body slowly fade and I thought, "I killed the magic, the magic [and the light] is gone." And I cried some more, harder this time.

Sent

Continuing the subject of the previous post, my husband just sent his letter of resignation by email.

That's all I'm going to say about this now.

"Done," he just said. Yes, Done.

REALLY Big Decisions and Changes

The previous post about "attitude change" was meant as an introduction to this one, so if you haven't read it, read it first.

While we were in Brazil K and I talked about our options and decided a couple of things:

• We are not going back to Brazil just yet and will stay here for now.

• K is going to quit his job at big pharma and go back to pursuing an academic career (applying for a postdoc either locally or in MA).

Now it's all settled for K to begin another postdoc (locally) in September and he has already given notice that he's quitting his job.

What's still up in the air: the housing situation and where to live.

What I/we really wanted was to continue living in this house, but with a 50% paycut, the only way we could afford to do that would be if I had a job (at least a 40K job). If i had a 9-5 or even a 8-4 job, what would we do with the boys????? K will be gone for almost 10 hours a day due to the commute of at least 1h15 and how would I drop Kelvin at school and pick him up as well as dropping Linton of at pre-school/daycare? The more convenient thing would be a teaching job, but it's quite late in the year to get one. Besides, I don't have certification to teach high school (I am aware that some States do hire Ph.D.s without certification, but I don't know if PA is one of them -- besides I know NOTHING about the educational system here, and, again, it's much too late, probably). The advantages of staying here would be - Kelvin can go to the same school and we don't need to move. We can also try to continue our home improvement projects so the property value may go up.

The most rational option would be selling this house (we might break even or lose some money) and moving to Philly, close to a train station so we could have only one car again. This would allow me to stay home with Linton and only teach piano (and even English as a foreign language to our Brazilian friends) and we would be able to save K's severance package for the future instead of possibly spending it to pay our mortgage and/or on home renovation projects. At first I was adamantly against this second option, but now I'm almost convinced that we should try to sell. I won't deny that it's a heartbreaking decision and that I can already feel I'm back in that roller-coaster of grief, sadness, and disappointment...

More on all this later. The boys STILL have fevers and the pediatrician's office told us to bring them in only if they still have a fever tomorrow. Coincidentally, tomorrow is Linton's yearly check-up, so we'll see.

I am surprisingly calm given the situation. Well, what use would stressing out have? None.

Becoming Jane

Ah... I really missed continuing to write about the Jane Austen adaptations (I ended up not watching the last two because of the dissertation), but I guess now it's time to come back to that lovely conversation.

I cannot believe it took me so long to finally watch Becoming Jane! And, thanks to a defective DVD from Netflix, I had to watch the last two thirds of the film on YouTube...

What a lovely film! Which now makes me very curious both to investigate this very intriguing hypothesis about Jane Austen's early life as well as eager to see the recent TV film Jane Austen Regrets (which I old-fashionably taped, but will probably get on DVD). Of course Becoming Jane does have the requisite biopic touches of giving several "previews" into the author's works based on her life, several of which may feel a bit forced for a true Austen connoisseurs like me ;-), but it is certainly very enchanting being able to take a peek at Jane's family life and imagine how hard it must have been to be a poor gentlewoman at that time.

I liked Anne Hathaway and James McAvoy (I guess it's the first time I've seen him -- similar thing with the new Pride and Prejudice actor) and the actress who played Cassandra was particularly nice. Jane's mother reminded me a tiny bit of Mrs. Bennett, but she seems much more sensible and loving, of course. I wonder if anything like that really happened to Jane -- what a heartbreaking experience to go through, but definitely something that would make a person grow and mature immensely. I find the parts of the film in which Tom encourages her to learn more about the world (particularly about sex) quite intriguing. Meeting Mrs. Radcliffe was another fascinating event -- did Jane ever meet her? Perhaps. Now I have to go and find out the answer to some of these questions.

Well, I'd really love to hear your thoughts about this movie if you've seen it and you're a "Janeite" like me! ;-)

A Change in Attitude

You already know that I am a big whiner. And our past troubles haven't helped much with that -- have they? Take typical posts like this one, for example, written only a week or so before K got his "big job offer" last year and thus making all those "impossible" things I was pining after seem very possible and real -- those were the things I worried about: the visa situation, wanting to settle down, be able to afford things.

When K lost his job back in October, it was a huge reality check, and I complained grieved a lot. Of course things turned around and we were able to put the whole situation into perspective. A great benefit came from the extension, even if temporary, of K's job -- the permanent residency. Now that we can stay here and work, we can breathe more easily, and the enormity of that benefit is only now dawning on us. During the trip to Brazil we thought about this long and hard, particularly because we had a very rare experience -- a window into the past, the eerie opportunity to confront what could have been and never was (I need to be cryptic here because we haven't discussed this issue with many people, in very general lines, K missed an opportunity that would probably meant that we would have gone back to Brazil a year or so ago and it was quite shocking to be faced with that possibility) -- this experience put our whole lives into perspective once more and we decided that a change in attitude was/is what we need/ed right now!!

We do not want to be pessimistic, whiny or fatalists anymore (one example was K's comment -- mirrored by my own negative attitude, after last year's troubles -- "we'll never settle down!"), we want to face the challenges presented by life with a positive attitude, looking after solutions to our problems, being proactive, creative, and -- yes -- happy, no matter what. It is with this in mind that I want to write next (later today, hopefully) about the new decisions that we have made and the challenges that face us as we move forward in life.

I can already imagine that my friends Articulate Dad and Rocket Mom will be very happy for us -- you two have been an inspiration, let me tell you!

Update on Fever Situation

Thank you so much for all of you who chimed in. After I wrote last night's post, K left the house for the grocery store at 1 am and bought ibuprofen. We gave it to the boys and their fevers went down fairly quickly. I thought of updating the blog since I had trouble falling asleep, but I considered it would be a bit too much to get up at 2 am to come and post! :-)

They both slept well and though the night (well, since 1:30 am) and seemed OK this morning. Between 10 and 11 they were feverish again, though, and I may have to use ibuprofen later if the acetaminophen I just gave them doesn't work. In any case, I'll call the nurse at the pediatrician's office.

I will write another post soon so you can read about other things going on in our lives, not only about our health problems :-).

More on Fever, Lyme Disease, and Other Issues

First, just a reminder about the "Lyme Disease Saga" -- it isn't over yet, in spite of the negative test result in Brazil. Kelvin started antibiotics on Thursday night and I feel better about this, although I'm a bit concerned about the possible side-effects (more on that in a minute).

An update on the fever situation, the boys' fevers have spiked again (this time up to 103) and the bad news is that they haven't gone down even after the correct dose of acetaminophen, only to 101-102. Both are still feverish three hours after taking it. I'm wondering if I should give them ibuprofen instead.

Now, I am very very thankful for one thing: the fact that both boys have a fever. If only Kelvin had it, I'd be most certainly freaking out. My mom's fever (most certainly caused by a virus) also helps me feel better about them being sick.

Another worry (typical parenting discussion now) -- both boys are constipated. Linton always is, but not Kelvin never, so I'm thinking it may be related to taking the antibiotic. Now, I am a bit too, so it may be related to our trip, to diet, whatever. If the boys don't have a bowel movement tomorrow, I'll be really worry, since it's been several days (I'm giving them both MiraLax).

OK, hopefully tomorrow (technically later today) I can have better news to report, but for now, this is the situation -- it's a sick house and I have to go back to my feverish boys. They're both sleeping, which is good, but in half an hour I'm going to give them acetaminophen again -- if the fevers don't go down, then I will keep on worrying. Can one give acetaminophen and ibuprofen? I really don't know the answer to that.

Feverish Sunday

Now it's a little cloudy and also still hot and muggy, but earlier the sun was shining and it was not as hot. In sum, it was a beautiful day, perfect for a Sunday. In spite of all that, we had an unpleasant surprise at 8 am when Linton came into our bedroom -- he was sneezing a lot and had a fever, almost 103. A delay of three hours brought on Kelvin's fever. I guess they both have the same virus that kept their grandma in bed all day Friday with a high fever (she was happy that she didn't get sick before we left -- too bad the virus had already been shared -- I think I had it too, I just didn't have a fever, only runny nose and lots of sinus pain and pressure. I'm much better now).

This scenario didn't keep us from enjoying the day, though, or at least part of it. Both boys had their doses of acetaminophen (we like to use this melt-in-your mouth version [the ages 2-6 one]) and although Linton was a bit whiny because of his runny nose and he looked tired, Kelvin was as chipper as ever and agreed to go for a bike ride at this trail. Linton went in the bike trailer and Kelvin, K, and I rode our bikes. We had a great time and rode about 3 miles or more. We had to get some things at the home improvement store and by the time we got there, Linton's fever had already returned. He fell asleep on K's arms and slept for a while, after the fever went down, he ate a little lunch and went to take another nap with daddy. Kelvin's fever spiked again and it took quite a bit to go down, so he just laid down on the couch and even took a nap there... we had a birthday party to go to, but we're obviously not going. Oh, yeah, and we miss the air conditioning in a day like this one when it's really hot inside and the boys' small bodies need cooling. Good thing we have ceiling fans, even though some are ugly.

This is a terribly boring post, but I really cannot work on it to make it better because I'm finishing it with a fussy boy in my lap and another sitting at a chair nearby.

The Magic is Here

Fireflies are here and they make summer evenings outside like magic to me. Much better than any Disn3y fake "magic." I wish I had my own photos, but I've borrowed this from the internet...

It's really hot, my hands are even a bit swollen. There's no central air, and I have tons of weeds to pull as well as a need to landscape and plant more flowers. I need lots of energy to keep the boys happy and also work on the yard. Oh, yeah, and I need to write and send out some articles out for publication. I wish I could just sit back, relax, and enjoy the summer, since it's too short for my taste! Oh, yeah, and since its was still pretty cool when I left, summer is starting only today for the boys and I.

Well, sorry for three posts in a day. I could write several more, that's for sure.

Edited to add (at 9:57 pm): there's a firefly here in the room with me, next to the computer desk! I think I need to bring it outside, right? And I need to check the screen.
I'm thankful for the "visit," though, I really appreciated it!

Edited to add 2 (at 10:01): Even more magic for me! I scooped the firefly up and brought it outside and then, for half a minute, it walked and blinked faintly all over my right hand before taking off. Wonderful!

Antibiotics, Here We Go

So, the nurse practitioner examined Kelvin and said that the procedure is the following -- if there is proof of a tick bite and a rash 3 cm or bigger, they don't even do the blood test and start the child on antibiotics right away. It's not going to be 21 days, though, but only 14 (4 ccs or mls, 3 times a day) and the best thing is that we got the brand name from big pharma where K works and the medicine was for free because of that! I'm glad we waited to get here to get him treated, even if we're saving only about 10-20 dollars of copay. Now we need to see about receiving the refund for the blood test.

I feel much better about this now. Any tips about long term antibiotics treatments? I think it's the second time ever that Kelvin is taking antibiotics in his life. I really don't like medications, but, like we say in Brazil, "preventing is better than treating" [Prevenir é melhor que remediar] (how does this go here? Oh, OK, I checked, "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure").

Quick Coming Home Post & Some Lists

We're back home. The trip was good, the boys behaved well and although I made one serious mistake during the last part of the night (I didn't realize that Linton needed to pee and he got all wet because he was in such a deep sleep), it was OK because thankfully I had a change of clothes. Next time I'll have him in a diaper (the problem is that he was not sitting, but laying down horizontally when this happened, on our way to Brazil he was dry all night, but he slept only in a sitting position). K picked us up in New York (JFK) and while the boys slept a good part of the way home, I didn't, so I'm quite tired. In spite of that, here are some lists for you:

Random Things I Missed:

- First, and foremost, my cell phone. I know that some people don't agree, but I think that nothing can quite replace the convenience and usefulness of a cell phone. My parents need to replace their phone, so we didn't have access to one in Brazil.

- My favorite tissue paper (those from Brazil, even this brand, crumbled quickly when wet). I tend to have a runny nose quite frequently, so I'm very particular about the tissue paper I use and I was upset that this time I forgot to bring a box or two of "the best tissue paper ever" (in my humble, but experienced nose opinion).

- Driving, particularly an automatic car (I haven't renewed my Brazilian driver's license and I didn't know whether it would be OK for me to drive with my American one, so I barely drove -- not that I'd have cared to). Well... I guess I didn't really miss driving that much ;-).

- My keyboard, particularly the key locations (it's slightly different in Brazil, thankfully not as radically different as in France --yikes!! [I had to deal with that for 39 days back in 1999 when I went to France to study the language]). My mom's keyboard is really old and hard, horrible to type. I'm buying her a keyboard next time I'm there, that's for sure.

- Our VOIP phone line and being able to call anyone as much as I want, including in Brazil.

Things I Didn't Even Know I'd Missed:

- Widescreen monitor -- I'll have my mom buy one here next time :-)

Things I Thankfully Didn't Have to Miss:

- High speed internet!!! My mom had DSL last year too, but this year even my computer illiterate aunt has it too. That made my stay in Brazil much more agreeable, although everyone rolled their eyes at how addicted to the computer/internet I am. And I only spent half an hour each day online, at most, at my aunt's house.

I'm sure there are other things I could add to these lists, but that's it for now.

P.S. We're off to the pediatrician right now, I'll let you know how it went.

"Bye Bye Brasil"

We're leaving for the airport within an hour or so, so I don't have much time to write. I'm glad to be going back home, twenty days was plenty of time to be in Brazil although this was the first time I stayed "only" that... I miss my house, my garden, my cat, and I know that I need to get back as soon as possible so we start working on the plans for the next phase of our lives. We've made some important decisions before K went back home and I will be blogging about those soon. Hopefully I can post the other pictures when I get home. Meanwhile, I'll share some random ones here.

I. Recycling is taken very seriously in many parts of Brazil. These bins can be found everywhere in Curitiba, for example.

II. Tree with flowers of two colors
III. Cool new bridge in the city of São Paulo

Yummy Brazilian Fruit - II

I have only two more days here in Brazil so I will try to blog (and photo blog) like crazy because I know that once I get home the motivation to share these stories and photos will quickly wane. I go back to the fruit, before I can (hopefully) move on to other subjects that may interest you.

~ ~ ~~ ~ ~

I was overjoyed when at a "sacolão" (literally, "big shopping bag" -- grocery store that sells fruits and vegetables, some by a flat rate by weight) in São Paulo I found this fruit from my childhood named cajamanga (a compound word that is the name of two other fruits, cajá and manga [mango]). It is common in Minas Gerais and not well known in other states, including São Paulo and Paraná where I grew up, but I spent five years of my childhood in a boarding academy located at a wonderful farm and this was one of the many fruits they had at their orchards.

I love it because it's tasty, sweet and also quite sour (I simply adore sour things). The seed in the middle is "thorny" as you can see below, so one has to be careful whey eating it.

The other fruit in this post are also available in other parts of the world, but the Brazilian varieties are very distinctive and delicious -- not that I know them in other countries (except for the figs in Turkey, via my sister-in-law), all I know is that where I've lived in the U.S. (MA and PA) one cannot really find the first two, only really expensive and ugly looking ones.

One of the things I eat with abandon in Brazil are figs: Juicy, plump, incredibly sweet figs. I am sure most of you have no idea what I'm talking about, so you won't even drool when you see this picture. I, on the other hand, am already drooling over this post, hungry although it's almost 1:30 am:

Persimmons (caquis in Brazil) are widely available here too and they are in season right now. There are two kinds:

These are hard/ crunchy (and you have to buy them at a stage when they can be eaten because they have a "bite" to them for a while before they're fully ripened). I just couldn't resist and bite into one of them before taking the picture: This variety is called caqui chocolate because of the brown "stripes" or spots in the pulp:

And these are soft and juicy, gooey at times:

Both incredibly sweet.

The avocados here are HUGE, these two that I photograph are actually "smallish," and, again, I just could not resist the milky and almost sweet flavor and spooned quite a bit of the pulp before taking the snapshot :-)

OK, tomorrow (today, actually, since it's 1:30 am by now, of the 24th, but I'll leave yesterday's date), I'll be back with more photos. Promise.

Negative

That was the result of the blood test and I feel a bit, well... I don't know, sad because I spent so much money on that -- BUT, I am glad and relieved (for now at least), that apparently he does not have the bacteria. I know there can be false negatives, but the tick that was on him may not be one of the carriers after all -- I haven't had the time to go to Dr. Google to check...

We're enjoying our time here and I wish I had the time to post some pictures, but I have to get the boys to bed because it's almost 11 pm here. Hopefully I'll have more time tomorrow (I doubt it, but I can still hope, can't I? I took several pictures for the blog, I always do. The hard thing is getting around to posting them :-(.

581.90

That's how much I paid (in reais, not dollars, it would be around US$ 332) for the test to identify if there are antibodies to the Lyme disease bacteria in Kelvin's blood. After the doctor saw his rash (the examination was for free because he's our friend) he thought that if the results could be available soon, it would be a good idea to do the test. We were very surprised to learn that one of Brazil's leading labs (if not the best in the country, period), could do the test for this bacteria -- one which doesn't really exist in humans in Brazil -- and that the results would be available on Saturday night. So now we wait. He has already given me a prescription for antibiotics, but I am only going to fill it if the results come out positive.

We're still on the road because on our way from São Paulo to Curitiba we ran into a huge traffic jam (caused by road work) and decided to sleep at our friends' house here. Tomorrow morning we continue our trip. I'll update again either tomorrow night or on Saturday, after we know the results.

P.S. I'm hoping that we can get a refund for the test from our insurance company, but I have no idea how these things work with medical care received in other countries. K had called the pediatrician, who recommended that we see a doctor here, so I guess our doctors back home would be OK with what's being done. We'll see.

"On the Road Again"

We had a good time in Águas de Lindóia. The hotel was famous in the 1920s and it's pretty old now, but it's undergoing massive renovations. I was impressed by the roster of illustrious guests, including Marie Curie, who came to check out the radioactive water from the famous springs that the town is known for. I took many photos, but I won't be able to post them tonight (if ever :-( ) because tomorrow morning we'll be on our way to Curitiba, in the state of Paraná -- that's where most of my extended family lives here in Brazil, including my only remaining grandmother. We'll stop in São Paulo so the doctor can examine Kelvin (who doesn't have any further symptoms and whose rash seems to be going away).

The good news is that my aunt now has internet access at her home -- finally!! I can hardly believe that. So, I'll try to post, but we'll be very busy spending time with aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. from both my mom and my dad's side of the family. And now I have to go pack our bags because we need to leave early tomorrow. There's a soccer game on TV right now and a "classic" one too -- Brazil and Argentina -- who play as part of the next World Cup's classifying round, but I guess I'm going to bed before the game is over (45 more minutes to go). The boys are coughing a bit and have slightly runny noses -- I hope they don't get worse!

Quick Update

First of all, thank you so much for all your support and words of encouragement after I wrote the last two posts. It's very comforting just to check my email and see your comments trickling in - that's one of the reasons I love blogging so much, it provides a very effective support system!

Thanks to Cloudscome and Delia for sharing their experiences in their respective comments.

So far the developments are not great, but significant. K hasn't arrived home yet (my father-in-law called me a couple of hours ago from the U.S. to let me know that he was on his way home), so he hasn't contacted the pediatrician yet. We called a doctor we know here, an infectologist, and Lyme disease is known in Brazil, although few cases have ocurred (it seems to be mosly a problem in animals -- cattle). This doctor assured us that if needed we can go to São Paulo and get the blood test done (testing for antibodies) and because the rash is so small he thinks it's unecessary to begin the treatment with antibiotics just yet. He argued that maybe the skin is just irritated because my son has no fever or other symptoms. I wish he could see the rash and examine Kelvin (he does too) and I wonder whether we shouldn't just go to São Paulo or another large city nearby (Campinas) to do it. One of the problems is that we depend on the kindness of doctors we know (thankfully we do know many) to help us since we don't have health insurance here -- not that this is a big problem.

If our pediatrician back in the U.S. decides to prescribe antibiotics right away, we can easily buy them here since drugs here are much cheaper than in the U.S. and it's OK if we cannot use our insurance. I began to worry more after I saw this at the American Lyme Disease Foundation's website here:

Early treatment of LD (within the first few weeks after initial infection) is
straightforward and almost always results in a full cure. Treatment begun after
the first three weeks will also likely provide a cure, but the cure rate
decreases the longer treatment is delayed.

So, the conservative approach of our infectologist friend concerns me right now. On the other hand, I worry if giving him antibiotics would make the diagosis more difficult, considering that the blood serum antibody test is not always accurate (according to several sites about the disease) -- if the test is only done after we go back to the U.S., for example.

I took pictures of the rash, but I had to do it with my mom's camera, which has lower resolution and not a very good lens -- for some strange reason, my camera (the one with the fancy lens) decided to die or "faint" (hopefully temporarily) this morning. I can post some tomorrow. Life goes on over here -- we were planning to travel for three hours for a hot water springs resort/water park in Olímpia, São Paulo state, but we've decided to spend only 24h at a fancy hotel in Águas de Lindóia, a mineral springs town, so the kids can enjoy the indoor heated pool and other facilities, including three wonderful meals.

OK, I have to go now. I'll probably post again tomorrow.

My Brave Boy

When the scary possibility that my firstborn son may be sick presented itself the first thing I thought about was that I was relieved that it was him and not his younger brother. My youngest's tolerance for any discomfort or illness is extremely low (e.g. he simply won't sleep if he has a stuffy nose or is coughing) and he'll fuss and cry whenever he's uncomfortable in the smallest degree (he's got some mild sensory issues even, he cannot stand bad smells, being wet or dirty, or feeling pain). My eldest son, however, has always been an extremely brave and tolerant little boy, ever since he was a baby.


He was badly jaundiced soon after his birth and his little heels were cut multiple times to draw blood (he still has tiny scars there) and in the last times he didn't even cry -- he actually slept through it once, propped up on my shoulder. Often, while he wouldn't even cry when given his immunizations. Then when he was one he was hospitalized for wheezing ("reactive airway disorder") and he was a good trooper most of the time. I'll never forget the first time he had blood drawn for an annual check up at a local lab. He was three and he was so brave and didn't cry at all that the phlebotomist was extremely impressed (very different from his brother who screamed bloody murder every time). The few times he's had the stomach flu he has been very patient, taking the electrolyte solution every ten minutes for a couple of hours and coooperating with any treatments or medications he has to be given.

So, if worse comes to worse and he not only has to endure taking antibiotics for several weeks, but he comes down with symptoms even after treatment, I am sure that he'll take it all in stride.
Right now, though, I'm just praying a nd hoping that the "kryptonite" won't have that much of an effect on my Super(little)Man.

I Think My Son May Have Lyme Disease

Really, I do. And the worst part is that we are in Brazil right now and I know that the doctors here wouldn't know which antibiotics to prescribe for him and how to really diagnose the disease.

Scary, huh? And why, you may ask, do I think he has Lyme disease, of all things? The answer is very simple. Three weeks ago K found a tick on Kelvin's ear at bedtime and he told us that a friend at school had removed a tick from his neck earlier that day when they were playing outside. I was scared because there Pennsylvania is known for the abundance of deer everywhere and his school is located near a large meadow where deer are often seen. I worried a bit and even considered calling the pediatrician before we traveled, but there were so many things to do and think about that I didn't do it.

Last Wednesday, however, Kelvin complained of something at the back of his head, more precisely, close to his hairline and, lo, and behold, there was a huge tick there. I shivered, thinking that the crature had been living in (and off) my son for over two weeks! My dad removed it with tweezers and it is now in a small jar full of rubbing alcohol -- it is huge and it looks precisely like the deer ticks pictured online. I kept looking at the back of his head and a few days ago I saw a small rash, similar to the one you can see pictured here, only much much smaller. He doesn't have any other symptoms, but I think that is enough, don't you think?

K is flying back home tonight and he'll call the pediatrician as soon as he gets home. Hopefully he'll be able to prescribe the antibiotics even without seeing my son, and meantime I'll take photos of the rash and bring the tick with me when we travel back on the 25th. It's all I can do. I just want him to be able to get started on the antibiotic as soon as possible, that's all.

I'm not really scared or upset, but it is unsettling and makes me feel guilty for not having checked his whole body for ticks, including his scalp. My son is becoming very independent, and at 6, he likes to take showers by himself, even washing his own hair. Had I washed his hair once during these two weeks I might have found out earlier... oh well.

Yummy Brazilian Fruit - I

I think that one of the Brazilian fruit [can one say "fruits"?] I miss the most is this type of grapes. They are more or less like concord grapes, only another variety, which is called "pink grape" (uva rosada).

This fruit is called pinha or fruta-do-conde (fruit of the Count) and it's very sweet and delicious. Here you can see the pulp:

The photo below if of a citrus fruit that I'm pretty sure was engineered by Japanese agricultural folks in Brazil and is called ponkan My husband loves it. It's easy to peel (a bit like a Clementine, but much bigger and with thicker skin) and is easy to eat and very flavorful: More photos coming soon.

Nope

In case you're wondering what the results of my husband's "application" were, he didn't pass.

I'm quite relieved, in fact. The indications from the very first day were that they had an inside candidate who was expected to get in, and that happened. This leads us to believe that no "tenure track" job (it's not the same system as in the U.S.) position is opened here unless they already know who's getting in. This is a SHAME, but it's the way the country works, for the most part. In academia, particularly, in-breeding is what takes place, for the most part, i.e. people from the same institution are hired.

It was not the right time for us to return to Brazil, however, that's what I think, so I'm happy. Our situation is still very uncertain. K is seriously considering quitting big pharma before they kick him out again and going for a postdoc so he can be more competitive in applying in the next year or so. He's even thinking about doing a postdoc in the most prestigious university in the country located in a city named after another university on "the other side of the pond." Got it? Anyway, I think change is coming, we just don't know what it is.

Upcoming: fruit pictures.

Quick Update and Suspense

It's almost the middle of the night and I should be sleeping, but I'm checking blogs instead...

There are tons of pictures and stories to share, but I've been busy with family and... getting a new haircut and haircolor (I was going to get plain highlights, but got a nice "balayage" instead -- this is a fancy term for highlights of several colors, some sites say they're hand-painted, but that was not the case).

My brother and sister-in-law are flying to New Zealand tomorrow and we've been able to spend sometime with them, having long lunches together with both families (my parents and my brother's in-laws live only three houses down from each other and are retired) that feel like weekend meals in the middle of the week.

I don't know if I shared that or not (I'm extremely forgetful right now), but my husband is participating of that concurso (competition for a tenure track position) that he registered for (it's not really an application, it's more of a type of registration) back in November last year, when he had just lost his job. It looks like they already had someone in mind for the position before adversing the post because they keep telling him that he should keep trying, etc. -- very very strange, but quite common here. Today he experienced a very surreal moment that has to do with a previous concurso that he almost participated in. I don't know if I'll write about that now, though, maybe someday.

I should go to bed because I'm going to São Paulo tomorrow with my brother and SIL so I can be with K when he finds out the results of the concurso. I'll post about it as soon as I can. We don't really want him to get this position because we never, ever, not in a million years, wanted to live in São Paulo again, but... what if it's meant to be? I really wanted to be there with him tonight so I could hug him tight and we could talk it all over. We haven't really talked in weeks, and on Monday he's flying back home. Blah.

I hope I find the time and energy to share some photos with you. My favorite ones are the fruit photos! :-)

In Brazil

I Just thought I'd let you know that I arrived safely in my home country.

This trip was different from all the other trips in the past six years because this was the very first time that K traveled with me and the boys. I've already flown to Brazil four times (first only with Kelvin, and three times with both boys), but K always came later the three times he did come (in February-March 05 we came without him).

In spite of the fact that we had tons of luggage to check and many carry on items, the trip itself was a breeze because he was there to help me with everything -- what a relief!

On Friday two of our friends came to pick us up at the airport and then a third friend came to pick us up at the mall (where we ate delicious Brazilian food at the mall's food court). The boys took it all in stride, particulary because the friends we were going to stay with had come to visit us back in April (when I was finishing the dissertation, remember? -- the two other friends who picked us up at the airport had also visited then) and Kelvin had declared that their son Eduardo was his best friend. We spent the day with them yesterday and met many other friends at the church/place where we got married and the school where we worked for many years.

Today we are at the first of two kid's birthday parties and we still have a dinner at my aunt's house -- a packed schedule. The best thing has been seeing my (only) brother and sister-in-law again. I was joking that we see them only every two years and only for two days (OK, usually 5 days or so)...

Now we have to head to the second birthday party, so I'm signing off, but I hope to blog soon.

This is going to be my shortest visit to Brazil with the boys (20 days -- I usually stay 30-50 days), but so far it's been the best. You know, the fact that I'm finally done outweights the uncertainties of our lives and makes me feel more alive, more peaceful, much more "in the moment" enjoying every minute. That feels great! Priceless, actually. Well, I hope to be back soon.

Leaving Soon

So, I didn't sleep one wink, but got almost everything that needed to be done done... It was very, very hard to drive to the airport, I was so, so, so, sleepy. I kept talking to K on the phone and also opening the windows for cold air. Driving sleepy is as dangerous as driving drunk, did you know that?

OK, I'll write from Brazil tomorrow. Wish us a good trip.

I'll Soon See the Sunrise

I probably won't sleep at all tonight, and thankfully it's not because of dissertation formatting, but because of travel. I have worked hard -- I haven't even blogged or read blogs much -- but no matter how much one works, getting ready for a trip always involves an infinite number of tasks to be accomplished in a very limited amount of time.

I have managed to do most everything, but more things keep presenting themselves as needed. Of course some of these "needs" I have been "making up" as I go in order to avoid doing some of the really boring (albeit important) stuff, like making lists of all the things I've bought for friends and how much do they owe us. I still have to do that "tonight," after (or during) I finish packing our suitcases. That is a hard task indeed because it involves deciding which clothes to take and you know I have indecision problems, remember? Oh, and of course even after I decide which clothes to take, I still have to wait for the drier so I can pack some of those clothes I just washed.

Cleaning the house is important, of course, and I really enjoy certain types of "deep" Spring cleaning, but did I really need to clean like that on the days preceding a big trip? Probably not, but still, the plastic shower curtains look much better now after I soaked them in vinegar to get rid of the hard water deposits, and all the rugs are clean. In my defense, it didn't take long to do these things and the "distraction" with them helped me finish packing some of the suitcases.

I did accomplish several needed tasks that today. The most important was that I was able to mow the lawn (with dry grass) before it began to rain again (it had rained all night). And during the rain I planted the six tomato plants. That's how I looked in the end (I had so much fun working in the rain!)
Here's another shot by Kelvin, who's becoming an accomplished photographer:
I think I may have to take a nap, or else, my IBS will act up. I have to be at to the airport tomorrow at 9 to pick up my husband and we're renting a car and driving to NYC because we're flying from JFK to Brazil.

The worse part is that I'm not taking my laptop, so I won't have access to my older photos, and I won't be able to finish updating the photo blog :-(

I'll try to write about Brazil, however. This is the shortest trip ever with the boys -- only 20 days. I usually stay at least a month. I'm OK about coming back, though, I already miss my plants. I just wish I could know whether I'll be able to enjoy them for long... :-(

New Eyeglasses

I really don't wear glasses, only contacts, but after I lost my most recent (i.e. 7-8 years old) pair back in December, I had to purchase new ones. What do you think?(this was a self-portrait taken yesterday morning).

Updating Photo Blog

As usual, here's another announcement that I make once in a while -- I have just uploaded some photos to my Project 365+1 blog (including one photo of the defense -- I hope to post more here). I have tons of things to do, but I took a few minutes to put some pictures there.

A month and a half remains to be done, but hopefully I can manage to do it before we travel on Thursday.

Announcement: I Really Think I'm Done

I guess being done with the dissertation and the graduate student part of my life helped me realize that this debate I've been having with myself is probably coming to an end. My dear friend Alissa, I think I'm really joining the "Done" team this time.

It's painful to write that I am consciously and very rationally making the decision not to have any more children, but the truth is that at 37 (K already, me in July), our lives are still extremely unstable and uncertain and we won't really have time, economic resources, as well as psychological and physical strength to do it all over again. I miss my babies terribly, they grow more and more each day, but I don't think that having another baby is the right thing for our family, nor will it fill the eternal "void" for a baby because s/he'd grow too.

I'm writing this now because people were asking me about this in the past few days and I've taken some time to think seriously about it. It just wouldn't work. If K's work situation was not what it is now (absolute uncertainty, work could end and any minute and we'd be left scrambling in what to do to keep this expensive house, we might need to move soon, etc), maybe, just maybe, things would be different, but for some reason they're not.

We're delightfully happy with our two sons. I'm absolutely certain that it was the right thing for me to have boys and not a girl as I originally wanted. I won't go into that again. Too complicated. That post alone has already caused pain (to my mom, who read it by accident), so I think there would be complications were I to have a girl. Maybe my MIL didn't have girls for similar reasons, who knows.

Anyway... it was not because of my children's gender that I wanted another one, it was just that I love babies, I love children and I felt that I wasn't "done." But I guess I am. I can only look back, but not forward, that's the right thing to do for our family. Things are already very complicated as it is now. Good thing we have the option of planning this aspect of our lives (I know that many people don't agree with that, but I guess that maybe not the readers of this blog ;-).

OK, there are so many things to tell and share, but I felt like writing about this tonight. Maybe because I'm feeling lonely (K is in Boston) and stressed out about the upcoming trip and overly sensitive. I feel like crying for lots of things, but it's a general sadness about the boys growing up (I was writing a comment for this post by Jennie) and I looked at some photos of Linton at 11 months old, and I guess this triggered the whole thing), the uncertainty of our lives, and my worries about that and the trip. I think I need a flower photo right now. (although that might just make me cry even harder because I don't know for how long I'll have a garden -- in spite of that I just bought some tomato plants and more flowers this afternoon). I'll give you a picture of the boys instead. They are my joy.