The Year of Losing, Forgetting, and Breaking Things

Sigh...

All I do is sigh... it must be aggravating to people around me. Good thing I haven't been blogging then, maybe. About that, I was mystified to still be able to use the old, never updated, Blogger app on my old iPhone 5 an actually post a few words. The major downfall for blogging for me (and probably everyone else who no longer does it) was finally getting a smart phone in 2012. The Blogger app helped a bit, but when it wasn't updated anymore, it was another huge blow.

Occasionally, I still "write blog posts in my head," but since I spend way less time on computers (mostly because I hate laptops and I have one for work) and too much time on the stupid phone, I have all but abandoned this cherished space. I feel very sad about it... and yet, I don't do much to fix it.

One thing I will have to write about is the impending beginning of being an empty-nester about 9 or 10 months from now when my oldest leaves for college. I may, or may not blog about how I am sad that he and his girlfriend broke up (precisely because of HER moving away and going to college).

Today, however, I just want to write about how this year my ADHD is just "killing me" with all the stuff I've lost (and mostly found), and forgotten, and broken. It's becoming extremely upsetting, not to mention also costly!!

I admit it's an annoying topic, but it's what's defined 2019 (I was going to write 1999!!!) so far. And I don't know WHAT to do about it!! I really don't. Taking medication (much like consuming any caffeine) is problematic for me. I can't sleep well, I don't feel hungry and just don't eat, so it's not a good option. Other things (such as Bullet Journaling) don't help much either. In any case, not to bore you with the details, the most aggravating things that happened were:

• I "lost" (in truth misplaced) my pretty journal (Katie Daisy's 2018-19 planner) inside my house for about three months. I even bought a new one (a good thing because I can now use the pictures for framing or decorating other things). It was with some books under the piano in my living room.(spent like $9)
• I brought this brand new book (if you don't want to click, Ruth Chou Simon's Beholding & Becoming) and took it to our church camp out to show to a friend. Then I forgot it on the blanket where my friend was sitting, got busy with other things and only remembered it at the end of the day -- but there had been a sudden rain and the owner of the blanket (not my friend, someone else) had tossed the book into a random camping chair. Not only was the book gone for two weeks, but it had gotten wet and dried all bent. I had already bought another book when it was found as well... (spent $15)
• Two days after also misplacing the book, I was driving to work while wearing my beloved amazonite gem necklace (made with locally mined and polished stone), but it was on wrong, so at a red light, I removed it, intending to put it back on the right way at another traffic light, but there wasn't enough time. So when I parked the car, I was in a hurry to go get the bus, I just got off the car, forgetting the necklace was on my lap. In between classes, when I went to the bathroom, I noticed I didn't have the necklace and remembered with alarm I probably had let it fall on the ground next to the car. Of course, when I walked back to my car in a hurry again (I was driving to Washington D.C. to meet up with a friend from Brazil!) I completely forgot to look for the necklace. So... two days later, when I parked in the morning, there it was, broken down by the cars which drove over it. :-( It took me two weeks to buy another one and I'm happy with the new one, but I'm $25.00 poorer. 

[maybe insert depressing photo of the broken necklace on the road]

• Just last week on Tuesday I forgot a pencil case at church, but thankfully my husband found it for me yesterday.

I wonder what I'll lose next. I have also misplaced and found a bunch of pens, but I'm getting mad at how I keep misplacing or forgetting things. I'm sure it is also related to my age. In two years I'll be fifty. Sigh...

Yeah, so, at least I finished a whole blog post, even though it's mostly negative, like some of the previous posts I wrote this year. Only 11 posts so far, I'm sure it's a new kind of depressing record for this little blog of mine.

OK, hopefully I'll blog again soon. 

"Wasted" Seeds?

OK, since I broke the "blogger's block," and wrote about "sowing seeds" let me write some more on a related topic.

So today I received an email related to a "seed" that actually was thrown my way, but maybe I'm just wasting it. I was supposed to write (to have written by now) a paper for a book, a "handbook" in the subject area of my dissertation. It was an "invited" publication and I was excited about it, BUT... there were many stumbling blocks:

• I my email communications with the editors suffered numerous delays (I didn't hear back from them, then I dind't write back);
• I never received a contract from them as they said they would send, and 
• I had the hardest time retrieving my dissertation data from an old and inaccessible computer (only late July my husband broke through) -- I couldn't write the paper without that data;
• an academic friend who is tenured and trying to mentor me mentioned that "Handbook" papers aren't worth very much in the grand scheme of things, which took the rest of my already embattled/non-existent enthusiasm for the project.

And today I get this email. Strange timing. I actually got an earlier email on August 3 and I was surprised by it. These are the "last call" emails I had received from other people before.

But I actually don't know if it would be worth it trying to write this thing. It wouldn't be extremely hard, but it wouldn't be easy either. Sigh...

What do I do? I think I will reply to the email saying I need more time, but also that, I don't know... I never got any kind of contract, so is it really going to be published? Sigh... and I also feel kind of ashamed that I didn't follow up to several of the emails. I do have the excuse of not having the data, which is true, but still.

I feel such a failure! Sigh... I have this feeling I bring these things upon myself. Partly because of my poorly handled ADHD, partly because of...? well, I'll blame on the ADHD. It makes me feel slightly better. And it's not totally a lie.

Excuses, Excuses, Excuses!

I should be working on my garden, right now, and getting some sun on my shoulders to get lots of vitamin D... and I will, in a few minutes. I want to get some pesky thoughts out of my head first, though. I think it'll be therapeutic.

Having ADHD sucks, it really does. I love, love, love the hyperactive, creative, boundless energy (until it's gone) side of it. I like how my brain is all over the place and all the thoughts and unexpected connections I make. I feel very alive and full of interests, it's exciting! I hate the bad side of it, the fact that even on medication I can't start on things I hate to do, I can't do what I NEED to do.

I hate too many things about it and I don't want to focus on those here, although I already used the title of the post against myself -- my brain is an EXPERT, in finding excuses. As Heather would say (love, love, love her! I'm THRILLED she's back with a redesigned blog, it makes me happy and energized to blog more), my brain is the valedictorian of excuse-making.

Sigh...

So, yeah... I have recently remembered some excuses that are very valid, though. I'm having this horrible depressing professional crisis which is NOT the subject of this post, and I realized the other day that now the I'm taking medication (on and off), I have to make good on my promise to try to write academic papers (sigh...).   (I'd love to do it, as a matter of fact).

Back to gardening, though... all through last year I didn't weed one particular flower bed (one that I build with my own arms and hands years ago and that cost me a ridiculous 200+ dollars -- I should TOTALLY have just bought a ready-made raised bed at a store. [links/photos coming later]) and there were various excuses, but I think that this action stunted and basically killed a bunch of beautiful tulips. I'm very sad and upset.

OK, so now that I wrote this quick post I will go and take some photos to capture the "before" state of another flower bed and work on it for a while.

Then later... I'll get a haircut and highlights, how's that for a nice Spring day? (I may get a mani-pedi too, we'll see). ;-)

Leaving at 2 am... (and Christmas not at home)

I should be sleeping right now, I really should. We had to wait for a packaged to be delivered by UPS to leave for Montreal, so we're leaving between 2-3 am (package arrived at 5:30 pm). I'm not sleeping partly because I took my medication at 12 pm because I needed to pack, clean the house, etc. But I think that if I went to bed I would fall asleep easily, it's not really too much of a problem. I'm naturally a night person and the medication just makes me a bit perkier at night.

BTW, since I mentioned this, I should go back and make some more comments about it. After I read What Now?'s comment I was thinking... why should I think of this "chemical help" for ADHD as optional? If someone has depression or other conditions I am 100% in favor of them taking medication, so why shouldn't I?

After I wrote that post and actually went ahead and finished my grading I realized that this was the smoothest grading EVER. True, I procrastinated and didn't start grading my tiny class (six students) until the last minute, but once I did, it went fast. I also never graded 8 page long final exams so quickly. Yeah, I think it TOTALLY works. ;-) ;-P

So, yeah... we hardly ever spend the holidays at home which is kind of sad, particularly Christmas, so we hardly ever get a tree. We had part of K's family come once (his mom, dad, K2 and his family and one of K's paternal cousins and his wife from Brazil who happened to be visiting the U.S.), I think, in 2008, but not only I did not say one word on the blog about it, but it was pretty rushed because everyone was gone on the 25th, including us -- we went to Florida to enjoy some warm weather. (That period of my life was awful, though, I was teaching online for Axia College/University of Phoenix and that was disastrous and horrible).

We were also home in 2010 (with friends and K2 and family only for about 24h -- the rental house was tiny) and then ALONE, just the four of us, in 2014 -- I blogged some cool Xmas tree photos (ha! I wrote a blog post about "home alone" Christmases back then and now I'm truly curious about 2024), but generally we either spend Christmas with K's whole family (every other year, on odd years) or with part of his family. We can't really do my family on even years because my parents can't afford to come (and we can't afford or have time to go) and they also don't like to come here in winter.

So... where was I going with this? Initially K4's wife had "offered" to come here for Christmas, but when K's uncle said he wanted to go to Montreal, we decided to go there too, so that's what we're going tomorrow! I'm sorry for the long digressions! I had fun revisiting Decembers past!

On deciding to get chemical help

I decided to go with the blunt title. There is no other way around it. And I just realized I had also been blunt in a post title from two years and exactly ten days ago (when I answered a question from What Now?)!

When I brought up trying ADHD medication in my last check up with my family doctor (in late September? October?), I was completely taken aback by his reaction. Seriously. I have been going to this doctor for a few years, after my husband found him and liked him, and he's nice (he's got a Brazilian wife, he's gotta be nice, haha!). He's your average allopathic doctor, though,* happy to take good (traditional) care of his patients and prescribe something for their ailments. I was taken aback because he seemed "too happy," almost giddy! He took note of the fact that it took me YEARS to reach this decision (over two years after my official diagnosis) and he praised me for considering it. He shared a personal story about his pre-med classmate with ADHD who didn't believe in medication and who ended up never going to medical school even though he was very bright. The doctor's argument is that medication can to wonders for certain people, really change their lives completely. So he prescribed the lowest dose (10 mg) of the most common med for me to try and I went back in two weeks.
          * whereas I was brought up as a big believer in a wholistic approach to health involving diet, natural treatments, teas, hydrotherapy -- even though my mom took me from doctor to doctor, I need to write about my childhood doctor visits sometime! And about growing up with debilitating asthma.

It turns out that the lowest dose kept me awake late into the night and I felt that it didn't help that much. When I went to the doctor again, he prescribed a different, more expensive medication that is supposed to be better. I took that for a few weeks and didn't experience the same troubles sleeping, only felt a dry mouth, so on my third doctor's visit he upped the dose a bit (to 30 mg). That seemed to be helpful and have no side effects (other than dry mouth) for almost a month, but in the past week or so I felt that I was staying up at night again and I also felt EXTRA sleepy if I didn't take it. So yesterday I got a refill with a smaller dose (20 mg).

I'm still conflicted about taking medication. I feel that it helps me focus more, be less distracted, but I'm not being more productive (in terms of grading and other work-related things)! Perhaps I'm even worse than I've ever been -- having a horrible time working at home and only feeling motivated to do any work when I'm at the university. I do feel less overwhelmed, though. Both in crazy, loud social situations (such as a having to help and deal with a gym full of children, grandparents, and parents such as when we had the Thanksgiving banquet). My husband feels I'm calmer too, I'm not driving him and the boys crazy with my outbursts and nervousness.

As a matter of fact, it may have been a coincidence, but one one fateful day, a Friday, when I forgot to take the medication (I remembered too late in the day and if I'd taken it I wouldn't sleep) it was UTTER CHAOS. I even burned a dish in the stove, something I hadn't done in forever!! I thought it was hilarious -- kind of a reprise or a "conspiracy" of the drug companies to keep me hooked.

There, I've said it. I feel bad for becoming "chemically dependent" on this medication even though I know that the chemistry in my brain is messed up to begin with, so maybe it's a good thing to give my brain and myself (and people around me!) a break. When I first started taking the pills, I left them in the kitchen table and my youngest son saw it and recognized the name of the chemicals from events against drugs they've had in school every year. He was clearly not comfortable that I was taking "drugs" and voiced it to me, with disapproval in his eyes. I have since kept the medication in my bathroom and I think my son got used to the idea of it.

I still haven't made up my mind on whether I'll take it on a regular basis. I think it's important that I decided to give it a try. I definitely need it before trips or stressful events in which my ADHD throws me completely out of whack. Sigh... but as far as grading and preparing classes is concerned... well, I still need to find out how to become more disciplined so I can give a chance to my better focus to do any good! It doesn't help that we had this crazy election season and even crazier presidential transition -- life isn't normal life anymore and I feel that very strongly.

In any case, it feels good to finally blog about this issue and get it "off my chest." I wish Spanish Prof. could still be around so we could talk about the effects of medication. Any thoughts, friends?

(and now on to a few "fluff-filled" posts perhaps? Nah, I love fluff, but I'm generally not very light-hearted in this blog -- I wish I had a fashion/style blog to go along this more somber & serious one). ;-P

ADHD: Medicate or Not Medicate?

What Now? Asked an excellent question in a comment to my previous post, it's worth copying here:

This is a comment/question coming entirely from ignorance: Do you not want to take ADHD medication because it has side effects you don't want? Would there be benefits of such medication for your life in general? It sounds like you'd consider medication for a "real job" but not for your current work, but it also sounds like your current work is making you pretty miserable because of the ADHD. I'm not pushing medication, just wondering!

and...

... The truth is that I don't really know the answer! :-(

I don't like to take medications in general to begin with. I was a very sick kid (with asthma, several bouts of pneumonia before I had my tonsils out at 4 years old), but my mom really tried hard to not only seek "regular" medical care for me (which she relentlessly did). but also to go the natural route.

I had a juice fast at 6.5 years old, followed by a 100% raw/ no grain diet for two weeks and that did WONDERS on my allergies. Unfortunately we didn't stick to a vegan diet (only ovo-lacto) after that, or I'd have been basically cured of asthma and allergies, but I went vegan when I was 18 and was very strict for about 10 years. I went back to eating dairy once in a while after I got pregnant and had the boys -- and I blame THAT for their asthma too. Good thing it's mild. Now we're vegan most of the time.

(I also had two unmedicated births and didn't even take painkillers afterwards. I don't like doctors, surgeries and the like and I'm delighted that I'm so healthy -- thankfully!)

So... I'm VERY big on natural treatment and prevention, BUT, I should say I'm not really taking any of the supplements recommended to people with ADHD (fish oil, Omega 3, 6, DHA, etc) and that I don't really believe the non-scientifically supported claim that going gluten-free helps ADHD. I'm also pretty scared of medication that would make me addicted, change me and the way I am/react, etc. I feel that  I don't know if I can really trust this medication, its side effects. etc.

Another problem is that diagnosis of ADHD was pretty rough (uncertain because my perception that I have it is 100% clear, but other people's responses to the questionnaires not so much), so I'm still dealing with that, and trying to convince myself and my husband that it's a real condition, that maybe I could/should seek medication.

So, yeah, it's super hard and I don't exactly know what to do!

Thank you so much for the comment/question, What Now? It heartens me to know that there are some friends out there still reading. I know Spanish Prof takes medication once in a while, I should talk to her more...

Working Through the Holidays

You know... I'm not sure I can write 44 posts in the coming days because I desperately need to work like crazy all through the holidays. I still don't know HOW -- because there are finals and grading and our children's Christmas program and our 20th wedding anniversary (we want to go to a beautiful hotel for a couple of days) and, of course Christmas and family to go visit in Florida.

HOWEVER, I need to translate hundreds of pages of a super highly technical manual. Because I need the thousands of dollars they will pay me after I'm done. :-(

Mercenary freelance work like this is hard and nearly impossible for ADHD me. :-( Seriously. I needed medication to be able to do this, but I don't think I'll go that route just yet (only for a "real" job which I won't ever have, most probably).

Anyway. Please wish me luck, please urge me on to go and work. "Think about the money!!!" you should be screaming at me -- please do!

Because I just can't get motivated, even with the money. I'm just a lazy creature, it seems. I know I should blame it on the ADD, but sometimes I can't. It's easier to think that I'm just a bad person. And my poor son feels the same way -- I don't know how to help him and how to help myself (sadly, therapy isn't helping me at all. I'm not very good at following suggestions, or even "orders" from anyone).

What a horribly written post, but I'll put it out there anyway. I'm sure that's part of the reason why nobody reads this old blog anyway -- horrible writing, too much talking from an annoying ADHD brain. Sigh... I know those who are still around don't feel that way, but it's hard not to think like that.

OK, I'm just trying to get myself motivated to work. I will come back later and let you know how it went. Maybe it will help. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayer. You don't know how hard it is for me to try to work on something that is so boring and tiresome. :-(

P.S. And the worst thought is that I'm so tired, I work so hard, I deserve to have a break and to have holidays, but I just CANNOT because I was hired to this job, I'm many months behind schedule (for many reasons, the main one being my incapacity of just getting down to working on this) and I need to do it to help my family financially. Thankfully my husband says he will help -- but he is also busy and should be writing academic papers, not doing this. Sigh...

BTW. the last day of teaching was yesterday, but I can't even sleep in, I need to work.

First Day Blues

I'm not looking forward to going back to teaching this afternoon. The facts that I don't yet have a contract at U#2 and that at U#1 I've been having less and less students register for my classes every Fall are just depressing.

I hope I will soon get more energized when I meet the students and begin to interact with them. I need to feel more enthusiastic so they will be too! Hopefully adrenaline will kick and things will fall into place. Sigh...

There are many good things to consider, actually:

• I now have a great car for my mega-commute, 
• I have Fridays off (though I'll be taking on a 6-week project at U#1, if accepted, and I've scheduled multiple therapy appointments for this day), 
• I have a new, amazing office in a renovated building (I hope to have time to write a post about this later)... 

And of course some negative things, the main one is: I didn't finish the HUGE translation project I started in the summer and now I have to try and squeeze it in while teaching 5 classes, with 11 contact-hours per week and around 10 hours of commuting...

I know it will all work out at the end, but I feel overwhelmed and not very hopeful. I will have to write about this later, but I think that having the ADHD diagnosis is actually being detrimental to my well-being right now rather than helpful. :-( I just feel like I'm trapped and there's no way out, whereas before I just rolled with the punches & got stuff haphazardly done, but mostly done. Now it's like I'm paralyzed by own incompetence.

GAH!!!

Sorry about the negativity. Hopefully I'll be over all this soon. or not. we'll see...

95% Diagnosed?!

Wow... it was a really drawn out process, this "getting labeled" thing!

Sigh...

And kind of frustrating, to be frank. After my first visit back in June I was given one diagnostic questionnaire for me and three to give to friends and family to take. I really didn't have many options as to who could take it, so I had my husband take one, my 12 year old son another and my one local Brazilian friend answer the third.

It turns out that the three of them thought that most of questions were quite irrelevant (they thought it was mostly about a school child -- if I fidgeted in my seat at school or something) and while my husband saw some mild distractability in me (about 65% in the evaluating scale), my friend and my kid basically flunked me.

My responses, on the hand, passed with flying colors, A+! Ha! Now the doctor had a quandary -- I see myself 100% ADD, but other people don't necessarily agree -- based on those questions, obviously! Talking to them, especially to my husband, indicates that they are aware of certain things I do and ways I behave that certainly point to ADD. I also took the other computer-based test, which I did in less than an hour (it's supposed to take up to two hours) and that one is supposed to rule out other conditions such as depression and bipolar disorder. The doctor didn't spend a lot of time going over that one, but I suppose I don't have the other two conditions. I asked him to take two more questionnaires home to have other people respond and see if it would help with the diagnosis and he agreed.

In between my second and third visit I was reading one of my journals and I found this piece of paper in it that I had written when I was 18 years old. I was trying to "define myself" and describe what I was like, so and I typed it up and printed it for the doctor. It was a list of about 50 or more characteristics, many of which are classic ADD symptoms such as:
- talkative
- clumsy/  all-thumbs (I let things fall all the time)
- undisciplined (not in school, in life – I’m impulsive)
- disorganized
- I think too much
- impulsive (I do whatever pops up in my head, whatever I wish, at whatever time)
- unquiet, restless (that kind that “doesn't stay in one place” “doesn't stop moving”)
- I leave everything for the last minute (work, assignments), PROCRASTINATOR
- impatient (I cannot wait for things)
- explosive (I explode, but in a minute it’s always well) “Never take me seriously when I’m nervous or explode because in five minutes I wouldn’t be able to repeat half of what I said”
- I speak everything I think (even too much, even what I shouldn’t)
- Impatient to an extreme
- I’m always in a hurry (I’m always running and I climb stairs jumping 2 or 3 steps at a time)
- Clumsy
- Forgetful (of details, but I generally remember on time to fix things)
- Absent minded (for my stuff)
- Irritable
- Ultra-impatient
(Note that I wrote impulsive twice and impatient three times throughout the list -- as I wrote this list over weeks and months and kept going back to add things as I thought them out)

Other characteristics (I'm not going to bore you with the whole list):
- dreamy
- exaggerated
- anxious
- nervous
- screamer
- loud
- transparent
- Enthusiastic
- Extremely vivacious
- Rebellious
- bossy
- annoying (a hard to translate term in Portuguese "chata")
(screamer & nervous also showed up twice each)

The doctor thought it was good that I had all this "proof" of me having had these characteristics for a long time. I also went over my challenges and and even read this blog post from 2011 to him, which he thought it was also "classic" of ADD people.

Prior to that visit I also had my husband fill the questionnaire with my mom over the phone (she dismissed a lot of questions, she believes that I "want" to be ADD rather than actually being it, sigh...). And I photographed it and had my good friend J (who reads my blog and knows me relatively well [except for the things she can't see because my husband cleans the house and my messes!]) email me her responses so I could fill it out.

I should have had the doctor go over those questionnaires during that third appointment, but thought that he would do it in between that one and my latest appointment (yesterday), but he had NOT tallied the results, which he did during the appointment. That was BAD, but he had to do it because I needed to see those results and see if they would finally help with a diagnosis -- and they did!

My mom did score me about 65% for distractability, but for the rest it was fairly low, around or below the 50% mark. My friend J did score me high (85%) for that too, and fairly low for the other characteristics (hyperactivity and low self-esteem -- a bit higher for her than for my mom).

Prior to the visit I had also read more portions of a book the doctor had me buy: Sari Solden's Women with Attention Deficit Disorder. And I had written the doctor an email with my impressions and the parts I fully identified with -- that was helpful to him (I wish I had reminded him of tallying up the results of the questionnaires in that email, but that's part of his job, he should have been on top of it!). So during the visit the doctor copied this "Self-Screening" questionnaire from Solden's book and had me highlight my answers as well.

At the end of the visit he said that I was "95% diagnosed" and that since I don't want to go the medication route (for now at least), he would work on coaching and other treatment approaches for next time. In order to prepare them he asked me what are some of my challenges and goals (being better organized with paperwork for my teaching and at home, organize office, books, etc, be better at planning in the home front, menu planning, that kind of thing). Let's see what he will come up with to help me!

(written by my 12 year old son who was reading and finding typing errors in my post, I had started with "I'm kind of dis..."):
I'm kind of disappointed that I didn't get 100%. ;-)

hahaha! we're having fun over here, and I think I'm going to hire Kelvin as my editor! ;-)

Anyway, what I meant to say is that I'm kind of disappointed at how long it took and these inconsistencies in how I view myself and how people view me -- again, based on those questions!! which can be faulty, especially for women with ADD -- make me feel doubtful of a diagnosis that for me is/was very clear. :-(

OK, that's where my "labeling quest" took me so far. I'll keep you posted. Any comments/ thoughts would be appreciated, especially from Spanish Prof who was diagnosed years back along with her husband. Oh, and thanks to my sister-in-law who encouraged me to go ahead and seek help. We'll see how helpful it'll be!

Anxious Update

I'm anxious because we're traveling today for the only "true" (i.e. non-local) academic conference I'll attend all year and I OBVIOUSLY haven't written my paper and I need to pack and we have a firm time to leave the house all ready and packed since my son has an appointment with the optometrist this afternoon. Sigh...

I know we'll manage, but I wish I had a written paper so I could enjoy at least a day in peace at the conference (instead of half a day on Friday). It's always like that -- I ALWAYS leave things for the last minute.

That's why last night, because of a last-minute cancellation, I had my first visit with the doctor so I can be "labeled"* (I mentioned here that I finally had made an appointment, but it was not until next week). I brought home the necessary questionnaires and I'll undergo the testing next week, so... by next Friday when I have my next appointment I should know officially if I've been diagnosed with ADHD or not.

Yeah... After (or maybe during?) this conference I hope to have the head space to blog some more. Another reason for my sparse blogging is that my sons are now official Minecraft addicts (sigh...). They had previously been playing the limited "pocket edition" on their iPads, but now Kelvin bought Minecraft and installed it in my laptop. We'll soon buy it for our youngest son too, but we URGENTLY need a new computer (in fact two, but we can afford none!) so they can play and we haven't been able to decide on one (or decide to spend the money). So, the boys have been using my laptop as often as they can.

OK, I have to go make sure I have all materials to finish writing my paper and to prepare the power point and then to pack. I hate packing for trips because I always feel anxious that I'm going to forget something! :-(  And then there's the chronic procrastinator's problem: before trips there are always things that need to be taken care of around the house that I didn't do earlier. At least I planted my flowers last night (one of the most important pending things)... Sorry for the boring update!

P.S. I've been reading old journals lately, from the angsty years when I was 17-18. YIKES, it's not fun to read those at all! Ghosts from the past creep up on me and bad feelings from negative interactions with my mom too. I shouldn't be torturing myself with this, but I can't help it! Good thing I know that all turned out OK in the end! ;-)

* Ha! I didn't even remember that getting labeled was one of the few resolutions I made last year. Sigh... better late than never is what I always say!

I don't know...

... why I am blogging so little this year.

If I make it past 120 posts in 2014 it'll be a victory, I suppose, unless all of a sudden I start posting a lot, but I don't know if it'll happen.

Maybe it's because I've been so busy? Or because I've felt so ambivalent and angst ridden about my work life?

As always, one of the reasons is that I take too many photos I'd love to share and I have to decide which ones to use and making small decisions like those is hard for me. And I also procrastinate and then I reason that it's "too late" to blog about this and that. (ADHD much?)

And, of course, the biggest reason is fact that blogging has declined as other social-media take over.* This leaves me with the sinking feeling that this little blog of mine has not made any impact and that even though I truly cherish the friends I made through blogging, many of them aren't blogging anymore or, most importantly for my own writing in this space, reading my blog. :-(

I didn't want to make tons of money off my blog (though I did make a little bit back in 2005-6) and become a professional blogger. (In fact, I am still really scared of not being semi-anonymous, I feel safer not using my name). But it's very disheartening to witness all this talking of 10 years of BlogHer and all the women bloggers out there who were/are so successful and to realize that I started blogging in 2004, which makes me kind of a "pioneer" of women & mommy-blogging, but that I'm pretty much a sad little "failed" blogger. OK, let's quit the whining.

On other news, I finally, FINALLY made an appointment to be officially "labeled"(just edited the post to add this link!). I don't know where this journey will take me. I don't want to take medication, but maybe I should when I have grading to do. I'm afraid of a "cognitive" therapeutic approach, I know I could use some help, but I don't want to feel I'm going to become someone else or something.

I found a local specialist in adult ADHD who is also Christian (a graduate of Fuller Seminary) and that sounds good to me, but I hope I will like this person. We'll see. At least I'm being proactive after so many years of just talking about it. I think my SIL (who encouraged me to do it back in January) will be happy with my decision to seek professional help. I'll have to wait for nearly a month, though, unless there's a cancelation, so I won't be able to use our flexible spending account for the many co-pays (I think we scheduled about 5 appointments, including the testing and follow-ups).

* I've been trying to write a post about that for a long time, but as I can't find all the links I'd love to include -- see, I'm always trying to be a good and "thorough" blogger and that actually keeps me from blogging more. Vicious cycle. :-( And the fifth paragraph above just kind of made that post moot... sigh...

A Day to Myself & Why I Prefer to Mother on the Go

Today is a very rare day.

My boys are at camp with my in-laws (I drove back yesterday) and I'm home alone while my husband is at work. I think I have had very few days like today in my 11 years as a mother. Of course I should be waxing my legs, blow drying my hair, packing for our return, but here I am, blogging about my children! haha... ;)

Mothering is hard work. Parenting is hard in general, of course, but in our family, the minutiae of the boys lives (making sure they have clothes to wear, that their bedrooms are in OK shape, that their favorite toothpaste is available & other million small tasks) are my responsibility.

I enjoy doing these little things. I miss my boys when they are not here, I just thoroughly adore being their mom.

Of course there are things I'm very bad at. I'm really good at being out and about with the boys -- that's one of the reasons I miss living in a big city like Philadelphia with so many things to do, so many places to go.

If you've been reading for a long time you know that beginning back in 2006 -- in October when I had a 2 and a 4 year old, I've been going on lots of long car trips with the boys. The longest (2,210 miles) was in July 2010, to Canada and back.

I think I'm good at keeping them dressed & at giving them lots of cuddles, but I'm not very good at enforcing things (such as making sure they do chores and homework and vision therapy) and even at cooking things and feeding them at regular mealtimes. In short, everything that is hard for me from my ADHD affects my parenting very strongly.

Thankfully, it never really concerned me too much that most parenting experts say that children thrive on routine. Mine thrived on relative chaos and improvisation and impromptu excursions since babyhood and they're fine. Of course they were always warm and fed and... entertained! :)

I really am most happy when I am in a car going somewhere with my boys. At home I'm not very productive, they complain of boredom, I start screaming that they need to do this or that. So... it's almost unreal to have a quiet house. I open their drawers and put away the new pajama that I bought at the outlet yesterday. I bend down to pick up tiny legos on the floor and find a tiny piece of a train that I know they'll be delighted we can super-glue back).

The boys' presence is felt everywhere. On the train tracks and trains on the living room floor to the clothes on the floor in their bedroom.

In the end, I don't blog very much about mothering and about my boys, in spite of the name of my blog. This sometimes surprises me, but mostly, it does not. Mothering is what I do on a daily basis, blogging is a space for myself to reflect on life. That's why, I guess, it's easier for me to blog about my sons when they aren't here.

Well, now I will try to go and do some things just for myself before I get going at the end of the day to be reunited with my boys!

Afraid of Summer: Too Much of a Good Thing...

I began this post two weeks and three days ago (on Monday May 24)... so it's hopelessly updated. I wrote a lot, so I'll keep most of it and try to write another post that's more up-to-date. 

(Obviously this is all past nos!) My summer didn't officially start yet (I'll say it does after the kids are out of school this coming Friday tomorrow and after I present a poster at a conference the following Friday) and I'm already "freaking out." OK, OK, I'm exaggerating a little... :) and I'm definitely overusing this expression lately.

You see... I know that there are tons of things that I/we could hypothetically do this summer to be very productive, but I am deathly afraid to even think of them and then just be disappointed after they don't get done.

Sigh...

I know, welcome to my adhd life (and I went to label the post with adhd).

Wow, I do have a "Future Plans" label. How come? I'm afraid of future plans! ;)  No, not really, I love to plan trips and "adventures" of any kind, but I don't like to plan regular things like what I'm going to teach next semester, or what I should try to write and publish in order to have a shot at an academic career. And I run away in a panic from resolutions of any kind like... like...   (please fill a good simile in the blanks, in Portuguese we'd say "like the devil runs from the cross," but I don't like that very much).

In any case, I do want to make some "plans" for this summer, but I'm overwhelmed by the fact that there's so much time and so much I want(ed) to do and... consequently, so many things I'm afraid won't get done! That's why I'm saying up there in the title that I'm afraid of summer.

I started this post yesterday, on Monday, and I'm glad to report I was pretty productive today, on Tuesday against all odds! I nearly finished the poster for the conference next week and I was able to plan four vases with flowers I bought at the farmer's market, YAY!

In any case, just to try to be accountable, here are some things I hope I can accomplish this summer:

• (ASAP) Assemble a raised bed made of concrete blocks and plant veggies;
• Weed garden in the backyard, mulch and try to keep it relatively weed free (also ASAP) 
• Organize the garage more and find misplaced (hopefully not lost!) items (such as ALL our old photos);

Events/trips that are already planned:

• (tentative) day at theme park a couple of hours from us;
• Day at the water-park (free entrance for kids thanks to local library);
• Camp-meeting with my brother-in-law's family;
• 3-day industry camp for my older son;
• Camp-meeting here/ Sunday lake party with friends in neighboring state;
• (tentative): trip to Florida around the 4th of July and my birthday
• August: trip to New England and Montreal, Canada.

So... yeah... I don't know what else I can fit into what's already shaping up to be a very busy summer! Maybe in July we can do some other things (and obviously, future plans will have to come in a future post!).

1/3/13 - I wanna be labeled

a few minutes late, as usual, and lots to say, but no time.

I have a bunch of very depressing thoughts regarding the new year that slowly seeped into my mind during yesterday's long trip back home. I just couldn't help them. I tried to ward them off and whisk them away, but driving back home reminded me of going back to work and going back to work...

... well, I will open that can of worms at a later time, OK?

I just thought of another "resolution" I want to share for the new year and promptly forgot about it!

Oh, OK, I remembered! (and then went and wrote the second part of the title of the post).

This year I want to be labeled. OK, not correct word, should I say diagnosed instead? Yeah, I need to know for sure whether I have ADHD or not (has it been re-named ADD in the last book?). Spanish Prof. should know. I think I'll keep calling it ADHD because the hyperactive part is definitely 100% me. Sigh...

The truth of the matter is, the condition, that I'm almost 100% sure I suffer from, has been bothering me more and more as days go by. Oftentimes I feel like can't really function or do anything useful at all! I could just go on and on about this, but won't.

Thinking about it right now just makes me a little sad. If I do get labeled/diagnosed, I want to seek treatment. I really and truly need help.

So, there you go. I never even planned on writing this post and making this a resolution, but here it is.

Perspective

I wrote last night's post while still disappointed and angry about the chair's email -- which I read after a long day and a long drive. (and tone is the first thing that can be misinterpreted in email)

Impulsive, as usual... (I have to be more careful now that I know for sure that I have ADD).

In any case, I don't think my comments here have been balanced at all (either trashing current institution or belittling possible one). The pros and cons list I typed this evening is pretty balanced, actually -- 5 pros and 5 cons for each place. I think I need to put things into perspective, both here and in my head. and I think that this lack of perspective is what leading you to lean towards telling me I shouldn't accept.

Today I was told by my friend who works there that the chair is a very "dry" (we were speaking Spanish, so "seca") kind of person, so that explains her language in the email.

My other friend (the one who sent me the link to the posting to begin with and who has been working for 6 years in current dept and is now going back to Mexico) continues to encourage me to accept and be more challenged and grow professionally.

I emailed my chair to tell her I hadn't made a decision and she said she'd already been communicating with people from the other schools that have that tele-teaching thingy because the course I was going to teach may fall through. She wants to try to pressure possible new employer to let me still teach that class. I don't know if they will want to accommodate her/current school.

OK, still haven't made a decision, but have been leaning towards maybe accepting. I'm pretty calm right now...

My biggest worry: regret after the decision. K is joking with me that I will regret the decision no matter what. Is that really so? :(

P.S. my mom and dad are really against it now. Sigh...

"She's sweet, but scatterbrained..." or how can one teach with a neurobehavioral issue?

please bear with me today as I throw a small pity party for myself. It gets a little better towards the end of the post (I hope!)

I told my husband that it would be a disaster -- the fact that I'd be forced to look at my evaluations in order to submit an application for the possible job that took my peace away. I generally don't  read my evaluations -- though I know I should (they didn't required us to do it in graduate school and I did it only  to submit job applications years later and oh... how I hated looking at them! It brought floods of memories of those semesters, how hard I had tried, how long those summer course afternoons were...).


I didn't/don't read them because I know that it's just too devastating for me, I can't handle it. I am fully aware that I have issues, tons of them and I know I need tons of therapy too, and that I need to "grow up" -- I know, this is true, don't tell me it's not! -- and that I'm a pathetic human being -- I know that this isn't true so you don't need to tell me either -- but it does feel that way a lot of the time when you're a "faulty" human being with ADHD.

So... I had to make copies of some of the evaluations, so I had to read, and... well... it was and is pretty disastrous in my head right now. 

The truth is that I can't (and have never been able to) handle criticism -- though I'm a really harsh critic of myself, all the time. I don't know why, but I just can't deal with it at all!! It poisons my entire life, it makes me want to quit and never do a thing again, it proves my point that I can't do anything right and that I'm just really horrible at what I do. (OK, not entirely true, I know).

And I know you have to student evaluations with several grains of salt, but... ultimately? They are writing the TRUTH. They know who I am and I truly am not a good teacher at all. I should be doing something else with my life. (OK, that's extreme again, but still... maybe I should, who knows?).

Those of you out there who receive glowing evaluations semester after semester -- you know what you're doing and how to do it well. You've been well trained (or learned from experience how) to do a good job, you prepare for teaching as you should (and perhaps, unlike me, you're actually paid decently). Well... I'm not you, I don't know what I'm doing, I haven't been well trained to do it, I don't have ANY confidence in my abilities, I just can't do it well... MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, *YET.* oh, and I'm paid next to nothing and I seriously am not going to give more than the minimum necessary time to teach these classes. seriously. (so it is partly my fault and I recognize that without regrets in the way that has to do with dedication of time).

The worst part for me right now is that now that I know for sure that I have ADHD, it's much, much more painful! Because now that I have it, I'm stupid enough to mention it to people, without thinking. And the main thing several students wrote was what's in the title, and that I'm disorganized.Other than that (and a few attacks on the irrelevance of the material -- their fault, not mine! some really didn't care to learn about Brazil at all), they weren't that bad, but it's the bad that stays with you.

One last thing. I know what one of my biggest problems is that I'm too transparent. (and I've always been and I value that a lot in me, I really can't stand hypocrisy). For living in society, though, this trait is a very negative thing because it means I don't know how to "fake" and pretend that I know it all, that I'm really prepared (or, in other circumstances, to pretend that I'm not upset, or mad or disgusted at something).  Regarding the classroom don't know how to look serious and collected and authoritative. I'm just plain old me... all the time. Sometimes frazzled, sometimes more confident, most of the time, pretty insecure.

I remember that one time Professing Mama wrote about her persona and how she posted a photo of her wearing glasses in her blog and how that was part of her "persona" and looking smarter, more professional. I just can't do that. 

OK, pity party over now!! please don't throw rocks at me!! I wrote most of  this hours ago (minus the transparency comments above), about 4:30 pm, but I won't delete a thing, I need to process this.

The post is already too long, but I promise to write another one letting me off the hook and totally blaming the students for their lack of interest and laziness...

P.S. I hope someday I can blog about this whole inferiority complex I have because of how absolutely brilliant some Brazilian professors I had were/are. Oh, and I've had students who were way brighter & more insightful than me in my classrooms. And I felt inadequate.

A Day in the Life of an ADHD Housewife

So many things to do... today I'm unable to sleep in after alarm goes off for hubby, before 7 am... I'm not teaching today and that's exactly why today is going to be a tough long day of active "housewifery." Brother-in-law & family coming tomorrow, I have to clean the house!

Gotta wash these bed sheets, out they go... and into the washer, but I need to put other things to do a full load... back upstairs.

Find older boy doing homework he forgot last night, cuddle with sleepy-head youngest one in bed and get him awake, but can't linger long...  because...

Oh, yes! I've gotta sort the boys' clothes, waitaminute, I need to wash their bedsheets and one is navy-blue, so perhaps I should do a dark load first... Rush to our bathroom's hamper and start sorting there too.

Wait! I need to make lunch for the youngest, and the oldest should eat some eggs this morning -- he's been complaining he's starving, dizzy and nauseous before lunch from hunger. Go find him and ask what kind of eggs he wants (fried, hard yolk), prepare them.

Maybe I should eat too, but this kitchen floor's so dirty, I can't even walk on it, gotta sweep it a little. Oh, OK, gotta go to the bathroom now...

Oh! I forgot I need to finish sorting those clothes (my hamper's in the bathroom) and I better get the dark wash in soon, but first I need to soak these grass-stained (from lawn mowing) socks! But wait! The boys's soccer socks could soak together with these... go get them in the boys' bedroom.

Since I'm donwstairs, let me check on the kittens. "Good morning, babies!" Oh, I need to feed them.

In the kitchen, get the cat food out and wash the empty can afterwards, feed cats. I need to read more on how to prevent/ eliminate fleas! Rush to computer and spend several minutes browsing, meanwhile, checking email.

Wait! I forgot to make a sandwich for my son and prepare his lunchbox.(& I need to eat, I didn't have any meals yesterday). Did I start the dark clothes' wash? Hmmm... maybe not. Before that, let me check our bedrooms for any missing dark clothing items.

Then I remember that I need to make sure the cats ate their food andI  go downstairs and spend sometime with them. Oops! The dark clothes. Finally get the washer going, think of this post and come to the computer to start writing it. But then I go check the cats in the garage again.

"Where is his backpack?" screams my husband from upstairs, and I also hear crying since someone had to be reprimanded for not coming to the bathroom quickly enough or something.

Find backpack and think again that I need to eat. Stress a bit more about cats and go back to computer to check some natural flea treatment websites. See that I have too many emails from Kohl's and decide to spend a few minutes deleting all older ones from inbox. (I swear that didn't take long). Go back to kitchen and think I need to eat.

Remember I need to call my friend because I want to invite her to eat with us tomorrow and invite  her kids to come over this afternoon, get cell phone to look up number, pick up house phone, look at the time (still before 9) and decide that it's too early to call her.

Go to kitchen to eat something, but the sink is full, the dishwasher needs to be loaded, and the cat food cans rinsed and put into the recycling bin. I hear a beep, dark clothes are clean... rush downstairs and empty washer. Spend some minutes rinsing grass-stained socks (I think: "45 minutes wasn't long enough soaking, but I have to get this wash going 'cause it's the heavy cycle which lasts 1h30"). Get washer started.


Open garage door slightly only to see kittens cutely playing on top of a booster seat which is on top of a shelf, weaving around a small soccer goal/net and play-fighting with each other. Rush upstairs to get camera, get back down to cute kitties only to find out that the battery needs to be recharged. Put charger in outlet and head to the office to get the old camera, but then, sit down at the computer to continue this post.

It's 9:44 and I still haven't eaten anything. Or hanged the clean dark clothes in the line to dry. I head out to do that, but first get camera and see if kittens are still in cute position. They were still there, look (one jumped down as soon as I got the camera out)!

The day is partly cloudy, feels a bit humid, but I hung the clothes anyway. It's 10:10 and just because I'm blogging I will try and eat something (and call my friend)... before I completely forget. Itchy legs from bugs or stuff outside.
 ............

Guess what? I'm starving, it's 10:30 and I'm still at the computer, first, looking at photos of a little cousin (K's cousin's daughter) who was born yesterday, then, the gorgeous photos of a friend's wedding shower. delicious foods... sigh... hungry!!! (did I mention that yesterday I didn't have one meal, I just snacked & ate one Luna bar all day?)

Ate some fruit (a fig, a nectarine), called my friend and while we talked, ate a banana with Nutella and swept the hallway and some of the kitchen. Talking on the phone is the only thing that allows me to "concentrate" on menial housework tasks such as sweeping, putting away my clothes, etc. Too bad the talk wasn't that long and I had to concentrate & feel stressed just a bit when talking about cats with her so I didn't sweep as much as I should have...

Beep! Second load of laundry ready. Brought the kittens outside for a bit while I hung the clothes, but then was combing through their fur afterwards anxious about fleas (found none). At least the family room situation is sorted out -- my friend's kids are coming over in the afternoon to see and play with the train-track, that way we can pull it a part and put the pieces away so I can vacuum the first floor (it's been 3 weeks...). The boys won't let us dismantle the track without these particular friends seeing it. Sigh...

 Now, if I can just concentrate long enough to clean the rest of the house... Sigh. I wish I had more people to call. (12 pm now). I hear car noise outside. It's the mail! Gotta go get it!

Time magazine is here, but I will be strong and resist and not open it, and neither the Land's End catalog & Costco magazine. More free address labels in the mail (St. Jude's Hospital). 3 so far in K's name and only 1 in mine. I guess these marketers know who the "head of the household" is. ;) K's calling... he agrees with my plan not to cook lunch for tomorrow and eat at the academy's cafeteria instead, yay!

(before moving on to cleaning some windows, particularly the front glass door, I spent 15 minutes checking new blog posts in my feed. i know, I'm really bad)

Confession: I browsed Time as I ate a plate of leftover rice with scrambled eggs & sipped lemonade. First real meal in, maybe 36+ hours. On to do some more cleaning. It's 1:12, gotta pick up the boys (and their friends) at 2. I hope it's not a disaster to have those 4 kids this afternoon. ;)

Swept floor of laundry "closet" and downstairs bathroom,cleaned sink and started dishwasher before heading out to pick up kids at school (stopping at hardware store first) -- today they get off at 2 pm. Before leaving, had to rearrange stuff in the back of mini-van to bring  the back seats up.

Classic example: Got back home with the kids, friend's daughter went straight to the garage to see kittens with Linton. I was there with them for a while and then decided to change their water. On my way into the house I spilled some water on the hallway and had to dry it. As I was drying, I got distracted by the boys playing with trains and as I walked into the family room and looked out the back door window, I remembered that the clothes were probably dry outside. I headed out and collected the kids' bedsheets. Good thing I came back in through the garage because on my way in, I saw the cats' water dish still waiting to be refilled... I refilled it, brought a big toy to store upstairs and now I'm here, but I have to go back and make the boys' beds...

The infuriating thing is that these little lapses & distractions happen hundreds of times a day, and concentrating
long enough to get anything actually done is a minute by minute challenge which I often lose.

By 4:30 I finally got the boys' beds done, but with some significant detours... I went to clean the litter box and realized that it would be good to simply get rid of the old litter, wash the pan and put fresh one in... to make a long story short, I ended up sanitizing and washing (outside with a hose) our tall trash container, because its smell was so awful I nearly puked! Then I filmed the train track which we're pulling apart today.. and did other things I can't even remember. (like putting new refills in my wall flowers)

I think it's about time I publish this post. I still have TONS of things to do today, I have to collect the rest of the clean laundry from the line and try to fold & put it away, I need to figure what to cook for dinner (poor K didn't have lunch), clean the kitchen, vacuum the house, including downstairs after we dismantle the train. Good thing K is coming home... oh, and I have to put away the foods he's bringing, the clean dishes from the dishwasher... Sigh. And I think this is the most boring post ever. :)


P.S. people are talking of a long weekend (e.g. my friend Aliki), but K & I don't have one (the boys do). :(  I'm still glad it's Friday, though...

One last thing, if by any chance you don't know, what ADHD is, see here.

Adult ADHD - I'm a Textbook Case

In the past few years I've suspected that I have ADHD, but I generally just joked about it, I had never really tried to read more about it. My mom was actually upset that I thought I've always had ADHD -- she vehemently denied seeing any evidence of it in me. However, a diagnosis can explain my lifelong troubles with being messy, disorganized, a procrastinator, always late, and other things.

When we went to Florida in the Thanksgiving Break I casually mentioned to a friend that I thought I had ADHD and she immediately told me that she had it too. We "exchanged notes" on our troubles (hers is primarily the inattentive kind while mine is mixed and has an hiperactivity component to it) and she explained that she went to a psychiatrist (or psychologist) and was "officially diagnosed." I thought it was an interesting conversation, but didn't do anything about it.

For whatever reason, tonight I decided to Google ADHD and since most links refer primarily to children, I added the word "adult" to the search. Well... when I began to read this site, I immediately started crying and had to come write this post. Quotes like these break my heart because I've spent so many years blaming myself for my poor, horrible lack of will power:

Myths and Facts about ADD / ADHD in Adults

MYTH: ADD/ADHD is just a lack of willpower. Persons with ADD/ADHD focus well on things that interest them; they could focus on any other tasks if they really wanted to.

FACT: ADD/ADHD looks very much like a willpower problem, but it isn’t. It’s essentially a chemical problem in the management systems of the brain.

MYTH: Everybody has the symptoms of ADD/ADHD, and anyone with adequate intelligence can overcome these difficulties.

FACT: ADD/ADHD affects persons of all levels of intelligence. And although everyone sometimes has symptoms of ADD/ADHD, only those with chronic impairments from these symptoms warrant an ADD/ADHD diagnosis.

It's so hard to have gone through life for nearly 40 years thinking that I was simply flawed when there are chemical problems in my brain that are to blame for the way I am! 

Going through the lists of symptoms in the site is like reading a description of myself, really! It's feels strange. E.g.: Hyperfocus: I have never been able to listen to what anyone is saying to me while I'm reading; disorganization and forgetfulness: totally me! Particularly the "constantly losing or misplacing things (keys, wallet, phone."

I've also experienced all of the emotional difficulties, but two of them are particularly true and things I struggle with constantly: doesn’t deal well with frustration & hypersensitivity to criticism. It is SO hard to be like this! I think I'm going to buy a few books about ADHD and what I really want is to be able to do some therapy at some point in my life so I can learn how to deal better with my condition. 

I know that because I had so much help from my parents, I've been able to succeed in lots of thing, most importantly of which was finishing and defending my Ph.D. dissertation and getting my degree. That's why I don't really feel so defeated. But I  know that if left to my own devices I would have never, ever finished. 

I have to go to bed now, but I will probably be blogging about this again. If you have any personal stories of advice to share about this, please do! I feel a bit stupid -- well, not stupid really, but mostly foolish -- for not having figured this out earlier... Better late (and I've been late too many times in my life!) than never! That has always been my motto. :)