How to Look Forward to 2017? or How Death Changes Everything

When I started this post back in August, my father-in-law's death had been only 24 days earlier. The pain is duller now, especially since he is not my own father and though I knew him for over 26 years and we were pretty close, I didn't see him very often. I still think what I wrote then and will write now is very true.

8/28/16:
The death of a close family member changes everything. After it happens so suddenly and unexpectedly (and I'm sure even if you're expecting it) one looks at life very differently, it's hard to explain. I have lost all four of my grandparents* and two uncles (husbands of my mom's sisters), but we were much closer to my father-in-law than we were with any of our grandparents and uncles (my husband had also lost both of his paternal grandparents). And the feeling of loss and the grief from losing a parent are much stronger than for a grandparent or uncle.
     * paternal grandpa when I was 8,  maternal grandpa when I was 16, maternal grandma at 25, and paternal grandma when I was 37.

One of the things that happens is that nothing is taken for granted anymore, we begin to say, "Yes, we'll go together on that trip next year, if all goes well" or "If all goes as planned and we're all still here." (end of 8/28's post) We begin to incorporate the thought that someone may no longer be with us in the future to every plan because now the awareness of the possibility of death is more real and closer. That's why looking forward to what will or may come is forever changed with such a life shattering event. We begin to think of the new year and wonder whether anyone in the family will die then.

Another thing that happened to me is that I no longer assume that K and I will get to grow old together and that thought is so sad! I look at my husband fully aware of the fragility of life now, he "feels" more fragile to me because his dad died so suddenly, I sometimes ask out loud "You're not going to die young like your dad, will you?" (He was 71) And of course that's a question with no answer. I assumed that we would live for a long time because of the longevity of his paternal grandparents (90+) and now his maternal grandmother (who just turned 90) as well as that of my maternal grandmothers (94 and 96). I was really looking forward to that, growing really old together, but now I cannot simply assume that.

Back in August I actually felt angry when I saw older men and thought that my father-in-law would never get to live to that age. And now I'm thankful every day that my father will be 80 years old in a year and that he's still healthy, that my mom is 76 and she's doing well, that my 87 year old aunt who has been hospitalized for nearly two weeks is getting better (I am so so thankful for that!). Not to mention my mom's other siblings who are still doing good at 90+, 88, and 84.

The truth is that life is fragile and can end at any moment, but we choose to be generally oblivious to that -- it would be too difficult to live otherwise. So when death comes so suddenly and reminds us this, life changes drastically and we need to learn to live with this new awareness. I think we're learning. I suppose it's good to be more prepared when the next time comes. Can one ever be prepared to face death, though? Hopefully yes.

The Most Racially Diverse Religious Faith!

Wow, I'm pretty excited about this figure right now, because diversity is something I value greatly -- and thankfully our own local church and school community has become incredibly diverse in the past five years since I moved here, reflecting the greater trends in the country.

My denomination is the most diverse in the U.S. according to the Pew Research Center!

I learned about this in an npr article about us and Ben Carson (who I happen not to support). The article does leave out one important difference between us and other protestants, the concept of death.

And Then... He Prayed

When I wrote that post earlier today, I had no idea that I would be thinking much more about the subject as the day went on. (and thankfully it seems that the man is calling off the Koran burning. wow. Who does he think he is? with all his "bargaining power." Blah.)

Today I worked for over three hours in the shared part-timers' office and I had a chance to talk some more with one of my colleagues. I found out that he is also from Iraq, but unlike the woman colleague, he has only been in the United States for two years. When he said that I was speechless for a few moments, pretty startled and sad too... That means that he lived through the invasion, not only that, but his hometown happens to be Basra -- the place where much of the trouble was in the later phase of the war.

He has two sons, one is only 2 (the other is five), which means he must have had a newborn when they came or maybe the son was born here shortly after, I don't know. Before I found out more details about his life we had actually been talking about how to keep our children speaking our mother language. His parents are in Syria right now (they all fled at the same time) and he is trying to bring them to the U.S. I didn't know what to say, really, or what to ask, although I do want to know more about his experience.

We were both working on our computers when he stopped, took his shoes off, found the correct direction and prayed. I was moved, and I hoped that I wasn't bothering him. Very quietly, I began to email a link to the previous post to my dear friend, telling her about the man I had just talked to -- who happens to have the same name as her eldest son. She recently wrote in facebook that she enjoyed the moments of prayer during Ramadan and I thought that she would like to know that my colleague was there praying too. Synchronicity, that's what I felt about the events of this day.

After the prayer, he went away quietly. I didn't say anything either. I just thought that he didn't know it, but it had been moment full of meaning for me. Maybe later I'll share here another story about the first time I saw a group of muslims praying. Today, I'll let his prayer stand.

And today another group of people celebrated the New Year. If only there could not be so much religious intolerance in the world!