Announcement: I Really Think I'm Done

I guess being done with the dissertation and the graduate student part of my life helped me realize that this debate I've been having with myself is probably coming to an end. My dear friend Alissa, I think I'm really joining the "Done" team this time.

It's painful to write that I am consciously and very rationally making the decision not to have any more children, but the truth is that at 37 (K already, me in July), our lives are still extremely unstable and uncertain and we won't really have time, economic resources, as well as psychological and physical strength to do it all over again. I miss my babies terribly, they grow more and more each day, but I don't think that having another baby is the right thing for our family, nor will it fill the eternal "void" for a baby because s/he'd grow too.

I'm writing this now because people were asking me about this in the past few days and I've taken some time to think seriously about it. It just wouldn't work. If K's work situation was not what it is now (absolute uncertainty, work could end and any minute and we'd be left scrambling in what to do to keep this expensive house, we might need to move soon, etc), maybe, just maybe, things would be different, but for some reason they're not.

We're delightfully happy with our two sons. I'm absolutely certain that it was the right thing for me to have boys and not a girl as I originally wanted. I won't go into that again. Too complicated. That post alone has already caused pain (to my mom, who read it by accident), so I think there would be complications were I to have a girl. Maybe my MIL didn't have girls for similar reasons, who knows.

Anyway... it was not because of my children's gender that I wanted another one, it was just that I love babies, I love children and I felt that I wasn't "done." But I guess I am. I can only look back, but not forward, that's the right thing to do for our family. Things are already very complicated as it is now. Good thing we have the option of planning this aspect of our lives (I know that many people don't agree with that, but I guess that maybe not the readers of this blog ;-).

OK, there are so many things to tell and share, but I felt like writing about this tonight. Maybe because I'm feeling lonely (K is in Boston) and stressed out about the upcoming trip and overly sensitive. I feel like crying for lots of things, but it's a general sadness about the boys growing up (I was writing a comment for this post by Jennie) and I looked at some photos of Linton at 11 months old, and I guess this triggered the whole thing), the uncertainty of our lives, and my worries about that and the trip. I think I need a flower photo right now. (although that might just make me cry even harder because I don't know for how long I'll have a garden -- in spite of that I just bought some tomato plants and more flowers this afternoon). I'll give you a picture of the boys instead. They are my joy.