Friday, June 28, 2013

One Year Ago: New Eyes

June is almost over, but before it's gone, I want to commemorate the fact that last year in June I had LASIK surgery and experienced a "modern (medical) miracle" that made my life incredibly better! It happened on June 7 and while my vision was perfect right away, it took me a while to stop seeing glare and halos.

I never described the surgery in detail here in the blog, but it was very quick and painless. (here are all the posts that mention the surgery, starting with the reason why I decided to have it). I'm sure Jo(e)'s description of her surgery is probably better written, but I'll try anyway (and I won't re-read hers until I'm done).

First I was given Valium to relax and after about 10-15 minutes I walked to the room where the surgery was going to take place. My husband sat outside the closed door which had a glass window so he was able to see the whole surgery (shudder!). The room was fairly small.

I laid down on a "bed" covered in synthetic material, under lots of fancy medical equipment. Then, the doctor put these "clamps" to keep my eyes open (comparable to the one used in a gynecological exam, but much smaller and made of plastic [synthetic material], not cold metal) and the room was darkened. The clamps didn't hurt, but felt weird because we never keep our eyes open for long, we're always blinking.

The doctor put anesthetic drops in one of my eyes and then shone a light on it (red?) and then he cut the cornea to make a flap.  I could still see (and it wasn't strange), but I didn't feel any pain. The doctor then lifted the flap and told me that he was going to shine the laser. Meanwhile, he kept talking to his assistant and moving the machines and there was soft music playing in the room -- I always think that's a bit strange, but I quickly thought that it must be boring for the assistant and the doctor to be in that dark room all day, so they can listen to music, that's OK.

The laser made a whirring sound and I smelled something burning and that was the moment in which everything went dark in that eye. The doctor said that it was just the smell of the machine or something, but I'm pretty sure I could smell burning flesh from my eye. Shudder. Then soon after the doctor put the  cornea flap down and I think that by then I could see a bit in that eye.

The whole procedure was repeated in the other eye (left?) and then it was over. I could still see, but things were pretty foggy and strange. I got up and went to the doctor's office with my husband. I waited for them to check my eyes for about 20 minutes to half an hour. I don't remember if K left the room to check on the boys or not (they stayed in the car outside -- it was parked in the shade & they were playing on their iPads or watching something).

After a while the doctor came to check me and the assistant gave me a schedule of medication, checked whether I had bought all the eye-drops (I think I actually had to bring them with me to the surgery) and then gave me the shields & sticky tape and instructions on how to put it on as well as dark sunglasses. I was told to take a three hour nap as soon as I got home and only then to use my eyes.

We had over an hour drive to get home, though. I wore the sunglasses and tried to keep my eyes closed, but I couldn't help but try to look at things. We even stopped at Costco on the way home and it was really strange to look at the lights with this strange halo around them (it wasn't as bad outside, even with sun and bright light).

I did take the three hour nap when I got home (I'm guessing that the Valium made it easier to sleep) and I could see a bit more clearly then. The next morning we went to the doctor (this time we left the boys with a friend so I could have a meeting at the university -- I had just received a job offer, remember?) and my vision was pronounced better than perfect (20/15) and they took a photo of me and the doctor and gave me a T-shirt (?).

I had a strict routine of eye-drops and the only thing I think they did wrong was not recommending that I purchase the thicker "gel" lubricating drops (I guess I didn't have a problem producing tears, that's why they didn't recommend it). The problem I had was the following: whenever I slept I woke up with horrible pain from dried up eyes -- they eyelids were "sticking" to the eyeball and it really hurt! THis happened because I couldn't wake up and put the drops in the middle of the night, so it was helpful to use the stronger "gel" drops.

One really annoying thing (which I still experience when I put eye-drops before sleep) is getting up with eyes full of dried up eye-drops... sigh... and that went on for months because they recommended I keep using eye-drops to sleep (good advice).

The halos (caused by the cutting of the cornea to make a flap) were visible during the day when looking at lights and the sun and very strong during the night, but they slowly... over a period of two months... went away. The "starburst" lights at night lasted longer and in one of my eyes they still appear.

Other than the halo (also present when watching TV and looking at the computer screen) and the starburst effect, and maybe a bit of sensitivity to light in the very beginning, there were no other side-effects.

Is there anything you'd like to know about having LASIK?

It's definitely the best thing I've ever done, especially considered that I hate glasses and I was forced to wear them because of the GPC (giant papillary conjunctivitis).

But now I wait for my need to wear reading glasses (BOOOO!)... I hope I can have one or two more years, but... at nearly 42, I know it probably won't be long. :( Do you have to wear reading glasses?

Thanks to My Wonderful Husband

K doesn't read this blog (which is perfectly fine with me), but I would still like to thank him publicly for making yesterday's parking lot accident be nearly 100% painless for me.

But before I forget to link to it, I just wanted to remind you of what, until yesterday, had been my only car accident incident. In 2008 I backed up our old minivan (the car I was driving yesterday) into our practically brand new Mazda 3. :(

We ended up not using our insurance and had a friend fix the car for us, which took a long time. Yesterday, K told the lady who was driving the car and who called him, that he wanted to pay for the repair, but the lady's husband decided he wanted us to use our insurance companies.

So their insurance company contacted my husband and he called ours and that was that. It's possible that our premium will increase because of this, but at least it wasn't very troublesome. By the time I got home K had made the necessary phone calls and we were basically all set.

Thank you so much baby!

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Parking Lot Mishap

Wow... Today is shaping up to be a pretty bad day!

Look what I did! It's the first time that I hit car that doesn't belong to us.

I am leaving a note because I can't be here waiting forever. My dear husband graciously told me to give his phone number. I'm so grateful!! 

Sigh. I will be more than extra careful in the future. His parking lot has he spots all at an angle and that threw me off.

How much so you think it'll cost? K thinks it'll be 1K. :( I hope not!

Wish me luck... Have you ever do that? What happened?

What a day...

Edited to add: The person whose car I hit wanted to use our insurance companies, so that's how the problem will be solved.

Guess What? (weather woes) & Fruit Salad! ;-)

The very second I stepped outside with a heavy basket of washed clothes, it began to sprinkle! Isn't that frustrating? (especially considering my good intentions from earlier today -- see at the end of the post).

Well, let's think positively, any rain means saving money on water for the plants! Water is quite expensive in this little town... to the tune of 80+ dollars a month, due to sewer improvements from a while back... sigh....

I'm back at work in the photo book. I'm sure I can do a good job, maybe even better than what I had initially accomplished. It will take time, though... and I don't know if the 20 dollars coupon will work. :(

Well, let this be a lesson in patience and endurance. And, above all, in being super careful when dealing with browsers, saving, etc. (more patience).

OK, let me share a pretty photo to lighten the mood. I don't even know what...

What about a really pretty fruit salad that my sister-in-law prepared last Friday? (I can't say I helped, I was busy with other things, but I did provide some of the fruit!)
We had a lovely weekend with K's youngest brother ("K4") & his wife & son who visited again for the first time in three years! When they last visited we lived in a rental house and my nephew was 3 months old.  They live in Canada and this is the nephew whose birth I witnessed! "K2" also came with his family and it was lots of fun with gorgeous weather to boot! I'm looking forward to visiting K4 & family in Canada in August. 

OK, let me go back to that book. Whatever happens happens... 

What the All-Nighter Taught Me or... I think I've really "converted" ;-)

My son is thrilled. He was the one who got me/us into Apple products to begin with.

I'm still upset that what ruined what could have been a perfectly productive "all-nighter" was the fact that I don't know how to deal with Safari & the way that sometimes the window just disappears to the side because I'm still not adept at all the Apple "tricks." However, working for a few hours on my old Dell laptop demonstrated, that I have definitely become a Mac user. Sigh...

I'm still annoyed at times with iPhoto, but I'm mostly learning to put up with it. ;)

So, after 3.5 hours of sleep I'm up and trying to be productive. I put a load in the wash and I'm getting ready to put at least two more (hoping that the thunderstorms that are possible in the afternoon won't come our way -- we line dry, remember?).

Anyway... I still much prefer desktops to laptops, though, and I can't wait for the time when we can afford to buy an iMac.

As for the photo book, I haven't had the courage to look at it yet... I know I will need several hours to finish it. The worst part is that my husband and son, typical men, thought I was ridiculous to try so hard "just because of 20 bucks," sigh...

I told them -- and it's true -- that it wasn't/isn't just the $20, I need a deadline to finish this book and any reason is welcome to me. I only work under pressure, master procrastinator that I am. Sigh...

OK, I'm glad I'm back into the blogging groove. There are tons of things that I've been wanting to blog about, as always. So... I hope to be back soon! (if the photo book & all my laundry and household duties don't kill all my mojo ;-).

Did the Death of Google Reader Just Kill My Blogroll?

This is too much for one night, seriously...

Edited to add: I guess it was a glitch, blogroll is back up as of 5:42 am. You can disregard this post, at least for now! PHEW!!!

First, the Shuterfly book fiasco, now, my blogroll??? C'mon, Google is becoming truly evil, GAH!

Just this afternoon I used it on my phone to read the most recent posts by my blogging friends and now... it's all gone! And it's more or less replaced by a list of blogs that once upon a time I added to my blogroll...

How mean of Google and Blogger!!! And here I was, sympathizing with all my friends that had to switch from Google Reader to something else and now I'm going to have to follow suit! And I can't even import the blogroll, I think, I have to do it manually.


What do I do? I had grown to depend on my blogroll "feed." :( I can't go back to clicking on links to blogs hoping that they've updated! I guess I'll start using Feedly or Old Reader... but since I don't use Google Reader, I don't have anything to import. Sigh...

Maybe it's time to leave Blogger forever. I created Wordpress blogs before, but I was/am really mad about the advertisement (that's one thing I like about Blogger). I need to ask Laura (11D) about

I don't deal very well with change. As you know if you're been reading for a long time, I've had the same blog layout ever since I started! So... that's why I have resisted switching to another platform for so long. The learning curves are steep for me. I know I'm getting really really old and becoming more and more like my mother. Sob.

OK, my IBS has started acting up, so I have to go & try to sleep. I tried googling to figure out what's wrong with Blogger, but haven't found anything. If you know, please let me know, OK?

What a night... :(

Shutterfly is Awesome, but it SUCKS Big Time Too :(

I stayed up all night & now can't even go to sleep because I'm SOOOOO upset at Shutterfly.

I had a $20 coupon that my friend gave me and was going to expire yesterday, so my plan was to finish the South Africa book by 3 am (California midnight) so I could use it.

I was working well on my Mac, but then all of a sudden (MY FAULT, I must say), I couldn't edit the photos well the way I wanted (couldn't rotate, make them smaller or bigger -- my fault because I forgot to press the "customize" thing, I think), so I moved to the PC. The problem for later was that I left the browser open with the version of the book I was working on open on a tab.

Things went well on the PC and I was almost done with the book (albeit after 3 am), so I moved back to the Mac.

HOWEVER, something weird/funny happened in Safari and the window I was working on disappeared to the side & I couldn't get it back.

Can you believe it that I went to the other tab that was open with the OLDER, version of the book from FOUR hours ago and I clicked on SAVE????!!!

How in the world could I have done that? Now I have to redo ALL the changes that I spent four hours painstakingly implementing on the PC and in the last few minutes on the mac again.

I cannot believe that I did this to myself. I can't even remember some of the things I wrote & some of the designs I created for certain pages. I had also added more photos. I think I'll be able to figure it all out, but this is just too upsetting. :(

I'm writing this post so I can calm down and, maybe, go to sleep. My plan is to call Shutterfly tomorrow and beg that I can still use the 20 dollars coupon (this book is 100+ dollars & I need that coupon + the 50% discount) because of what happened. Sigh... I'm hoping hoping hoping they'll be nice and let me use it.

Maybe it will be just easier to keep going now and try to sleep during the day. I'm so high on adrenaline right now. The problem is that I'm just sick and tired of this book and I was ALMOST DONE. Really... I was so close!! And I also liked the results a lot. :(

I'm sorry to bother anyone who is reading this with this boring "tale of woe." I can't believe I don't blog good things that happen, but feel compelled to immediately blog stressful situations.

It's blogging as therapy... Thanks for listening!

P.S. The title of the post doesn't make much sense because I'm didn't even talk about Shutterfly being bad -- it sucks at times because it doesn't automatically save (like google docs or blogger) and it doesn't save the latest version always. That's it.

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Poolside Blogging

A very boring kind of poolside blogging... At my son's first ever swim meet.

I couldn't be happier that we're going to miss the next two meets!!! (We're going to Florida next week!!!)

This year our 11 year old finally decided to join our town's swim team. He had a bumpy start because  he'd never had swimming lessons, but he's catching up fast! I never had swim lessons in my life & only learned he breast-stroke properly, but my husband had lessons for several years growing up.

Next year I hope that my youngest will do it too, but he needs lessons prior to joining because he feels too self-conscious a out not knowing how to swim correctly. He seems to be enjoying the meet & seeing the other kids swim.

I wish I could be home finishing the Africa trip Shutterfly book which I need to order tonight (coupon expiring)... This meet has 67 events & the pool fits only FOUR lanes, so it'll forever. My son is in race #52...

Wish us luck!

Monday, June 17, 2013


"Mom, I'm getting tired of my pajamas," says my 9 year-old while getting ready for bed.

"But why, sweetie? Why is that?"

"They are all old and they're getting shorter!"

As he was saying that I got up from the computer and went to his room hoping to show him at least one pair of pajamas that I had transferred from his brother's drawer to his on my "day off" last Friday.

And when he said that they were getting shorter both of us started laughing uncontrollably...

Yes, sometimes growing up and being the younger brother who gets all the hand-me-downs gets funny... ;)

I do buy him some new clothes once in a while, just never pajamas. Maybe he should get him a brand-new pair, right? Poor guy!

Friday, June 14, 2013

A Day to Myself & Why I Prefer to Mother on the Go

Today is a very rare day.

My boys are at camp with my in-laws (I drove back yesterday) and I'm home alone while my husband is at work. I think I have had very few days like today in my 11 years as a mother. Of course I should be waxing my legs, blow drying my hair, packing for our return, but here I am, blogging about my children! haha... ;)

Mothering is hard work. Parenting is hard in general, of course, but in our family, the minutiae of the boys lives (making sure they have clothes to wear, that their bedrooms are in OK shape, that their favorite toothpaste is available & other million small tasks) are my responsibility.

I enjoy doing these little things. I miss my boys when they are not here, I just thoroughly adore being their mom.

Of course there are things I'm very bad at. I'm really good at being out and about with the boys -- that's one of the reasons I miss living in a big city like Philadelphia with so many things to do, so many places to go.

If you've been reading for a long time you know that beginning back in 2006 -- in October when I had a 2 and a 4 year old, I've been going on lots of long car trips with the boys. The longest (2,210 miles) was in July 2010, to Canada and back.

I think I'm good at keeping them dressed & at giving them lots of cuddles, but I'm not very good at enforcing things (such as making sure they do chores and homework and vision therapy) and even at cooking things and feeding them at regular mealtimes. In short, everything that is hard for me from my ADHD affects my parenting very strongly.

Thankfully, it never really concerned me too much that most parenting experts say that children thrive on routine. Mine thrived on relative chaos and improvisation and impromptu excursions since babyhood and they're fine. Of course they were always warm and fed and... entertained! :)

I really am most happy when I am in a car going somewhere with my boys. At home I'm not very productive, they complain of boredom, I start screaming that they need to do this or that. So... it's almost unreal to have a quiet house. I open their drawers and put away the new pajama that I bought at the outlet yesterday. I bend down to pick up tiny legos on the floor and find a tiny piece of a train that I know they'll be delighted we can super-glue back).

The boys' presence is felt everywhere. On the train tracks and trains on the living room floor to the clothes on the floor in their bedroom.

In the end, I don't blog very much about mothering and about my boys, in spite of the name of my blog. This sometimes surprises me, but mostly, it does not. Mothering is what I do on a daily basis, blogging is a space for myself to reflect on life. That's why, I guess, it's easier for me to blog about my sons when they aren't here.

Well, now I will try to go and do some things just for myself before I get going at the end of the day to be reunited with my boys!

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Ooops, I Did it Again!

This post was supposed to be titled "My One Day Vacation" but... no, it was not to be... :(

This will be instead the "driving back and forth for several hours four days in a row"* kind of "vacation!" :P

All because I simply did it again three months later. I forgot the boys' bags at home. Sigh... At least I had their toothbrushes this time. ;)

I'm trying to think positively, though, because we were only 1h40mins away from home at a camp where my in-laws are spending the week, and I had forgotten other things too. Moreover, the boys also want their bicycles.

Too bad that driving halfway down I remember that a friend was supposed to drive from here to there today and could have taken the stuff, but then I was already returning home... sigh again. The good thing is that now I am wondering if her husband could possibly give K a ride on Friday (or Saturday?). That way we could change our plans. But she probably won't call me back before I need to leave (I left a message on her voice-mail & they don't have a home number). I know, I can't remain positive for very long, can I!

All right. My younger son needs his swim clothes by 2:30 pm, so I better hurry and collect everything I need to take them so I can eat a quick lunch and leave.

* I drove the boys yesterday, came back home and have to return today with their stuff, then the original plan was to drive back home tomorrow, have a date with my husband and on Friday drive back up with him.

Friday, June 07, 2013

Back to Flikr & Concerns about Blog Anonymity

I was thrilled to find out that Flikr is now offering 1 terabyte of storage space!

I stopped using Flikr long ago, back in 2006, because I refused to pay for the service (yes, I am cheap like that, sigh...). I can't believe that I had to wait seven years to finally go back! Sigh... I still kept the sidebar slide show for a long time here on the blog and only removed it last year (because of anonymity concerns).

And now comes the tough situation of wondering again whether I should connect my blog to Flikr or to have separate accounts and create a new Flikr account for the blog.

I wish with all my heart that I didn't have to blog (semi-)anonymously, but I just can't do it under my own name. :( My situation is still extremely precarious work-wise and with all that I've written on the blog over the years and which I hope to never have to delete or hide, it is unwise use my name.

And, of course, my husband doesn't want people to find him through my blog or the other way around, that was the first reason that kept me semi-anonymous. (it's only at times such as these that I wish I hadn't taken my husband's last name. Otherwise I'm OK with it).


I love taking photos and sharing them on my blog, but I just can't risk being found, so I need to be more selective with the photos I post. I'm actually surprised that I never had anyone try to search for the "real me" like I successfully did long ago with Jo(e) and Pithy Dithy. The truth is that I haven't been uncovered because very few people read my blog and those that do know who I am because we're also in touch in facebook and via email at times. In any case, this is oneof the advantages of having a little, unknown blog...

Regarding photos on the blog and online, the fact that Google now has image search freaks me out quite a bit and maybe the best think to do would be to delete all photos that have my face on the blog even though this would mean deleting my very first post... (big sigh again) 

I have already logged into my old Flikr account and fiddled with my 306 photos there, but I probably won't be linking that account to the blog again and I will have to delete all images that have previously appeared on the blog if I decide to use my name for that account...

Such a hassle! In any case my worries and concerns are very small compared to people who are actually "famous" in blogland. That's one of the advantages of being unknown. That and the comparative lack of trolls and vitriolic criticism.

Thursday, June 06, 2013


I'm happy with my iphone, but, contrary to my sons, I never had any interest whatsoever in the ipad, so two weeks ago I became the only person in our family without one.

The boys used up all their money to buy their iPad in July 2011. This one became the property of the youngest son when the oldest son bought an iPad mini this past Christmas. And now my husband decided to get one with his grant money in order to read & annotate hundreds of academic papers. He got the one with the most memory and he's super happy! No more carrying lots of paper around.

I, however, think I'll probably remain iPad-less... I don't really see why I'd like or want a tablet. Maybe (just maybe) a Kindle, but still... I really like actual books and I haven't been reading much anyway. It would probably be lighter to carry the e-edition of the textbook I teach with, but... well... I wouldn't want to spend the money if I can do most everything else (email, blogs, etc) on my phone! Otherwise, I tend to prefer a computer, preferably a desktop, for work. I know, I'm old fashioned... sigh... (for a good reason, see below).

I do have to type a lot and using a 13 inch Macbook Pro since last summer ruined my elbow (I'm still suffering with/from mild "tennis elbow" -- I thought I had blogged about it, but I can't find the post!), so I continue to prefer a desktop -- which we don't have at home!! Good thing there's an iMac in my office and I use it as often as I can. 

With all these new devices we have come a long way from when I created my original Meme on technology use years ago, back in February 2006! The changes that have taken place from then to now are unbelievable! Who knows what else the future will bring tech-wise, any ideas?

Afraid of Summer: Too Much of a Good Thing...

I began this post two weeks and three days ago (on Monday May 24)... so it's hopelessly updated. I wrote a lot, so I'll keep most of it and try to write another post that's more up-to-date. 

(Obviously this is all past nos!) My summer didn't officially start yet (I'll say it does after the kids are out of school this coming Friday tomorrow and after I present a poster at a conference the following Friday) and I'm already "freaking out." OK, OK, I'm exaggerating a little... :) and I'm definitely overusing this expression lately.

You see... I know that there are tons of things that I/we could hypothetically do this summer to be very productive, but I am deathly afraid to even think of them and then just be disappointed after they don't get done.


I know, welcome to my adhd life (and I went to label the post with adhd).

Wow, I do have a "Future Plans" label. How come? I'm afraid of future plans! ;)  No, not really, I love to plan trips and "adventures" of any kind, but I don't like to plan regular things like what I'm going to teach next semester, or what I should try to write and publish in order to have a shot at an academic career. And I run away in a panic from resolutions of any kind like... like...   (please fill a good simile in the blanks, in Portuguese we'd say "like the devil runs from the cross," but I don't like that very much).

In any case, I do want to make some "plans" for this summer, but I'm overwhelmed by the fact that there's so much time and so much I want(ed) to do and... consequently, so many things I'm afraid won't get done! That's why I'm saying up there in the title that I'm afraid of summer.

I started this post yesterday, on Monday, and I'm glad to report I was pretty productive today, on Tuesday against all odds! I nearly finished the poster for the conference next week and I was able to plan four vases with flowers I bought at the farmer's market, YAY!

In any case, just to try to be accountable, here are some things I hope I can accomplish this summer:
  • (ASAP) Assemble a raised bed made of concrete blocks and plant veggies;
  • Weed garden in the backyard, mulch and try to keep it relatively weed free (also ASAP) 
  • Organize the garage more and find misplaced (hopefully not lost!) items (such as ALL our old photos);
Events/trips that are already planned:
  • (tentative) day at theme park a couple of hours from us;
  • Day at the water-park (free entrance for kids thanks to local library);
  • Camp-meeting with my brother-in-law's family;
  • 3-day industry camp for my older son;
  • Camp-meeting here/ Sunday lake party with friends in neighboring state;
  • (tentative): trip to Florida around the 4th of July and my birthday
  • August: trip to New England and Montreal, Canada.
So... yeah... I don't know what else I can fit into what's already shaping up to be a very busy summer! Maybe in July we can do some other things (and obviously, future plans will have to come in a future post!).

Wednesday, June 05, 2013

Got Offer. Pity Party (hopefully) Over

I spent the day stressed out about my job and all the driving and working with the NH (new hire) and wondering if they would still honor their word and give me the full-time job I'd been promised.

I even had a quick argument with my husband over the phone about these things. "You are too negative!" he said in despair. Yes, you are right... sigh.

So... after not checking my email for over 36h I did it today and...

... lo and behold! There was an offer letter dated from  yesterday. So... yeah. One more year with an almost "real" job for me! Let's hope for many more, right? (and try to be more positive, that's for sure!)

Monday, June 03, 2013

Request DENIED to the Weakest Link, or, I need the "Serenity Prayer" right now, or...

...I don't want to be a replaceable cog in the machine anymore...

... but I need the income. Desperately so.

My proposal to teach four days a week instead of five days next semester was denied and I am obviously devastated and feeling very hopeless. Why did they even let me submit the proposal in the first place? Who decided? The coordinator or the new hire? Does that even matter? (No!!!)

I am also despairing at the thought of having to teach FIVE DAYS A WEEK at U#2, driving 152 more miles on Fridays. Sigh... Even if I sleep over there on Mondays and Wednesdays, having to drive back on Friday is so annoying (and tiresome).

I want to get out of there. ASAP. I need to get out of there. I disagree with the way the newly hired faculty person (I will be more vague about this person from now on) has decided to teach the intermediate/advanced class, I think that the course is not well organized and that new hire (NH from now on) doesn't really care much because obviously NH is primarily concerned with all NH needs to do to obtain tenure.

I wish I could just tell them that I wouldn't teach next year anymore and let them have to be in the awkward situation of piling all the classes onto NH.

I know I will be OK... THOUGH my situation is extremely precarious. So, there is the possibility that I would not only not be OK, but be kind of in trouble.

The problem is that I have NOT signed a contract yet and I have only been offered a full time load verbally. Potentially, they could cancel one of my classes since NH has only 2 students and I have 8, and then I would only be teaching two classes (that meet 5 days a week, but pay the same as 3 days) which was their original plan anyway.

It is very very tiresome to be "the weakest link" that can be broken and easily replaced. Sigh... that's the life of the adjuncts everywhere and who knows how many more years I will have to endure it.

At least at U#1 I'm slightly less replaceable (in spite of the fact that my newly designed class was simply "given" to someone else without any qualms. Nah... I'm 100% replaceable).

This awareness is very damaging to one's self-esteem. In any case, I need to find the strength to accept the things I cannot change. And keep hoping that the future may bring better things.