All Over the Place

I generally prefer to have focused, "thematic" posts, but sometimes my mind is just all over the place and I can't do that if I want to reflect on what's on my mind at the moment.

First, the weather.
I was thoroughly enjoying the warm weather in the upper 70s that we had last week, particularly on Wednesday, so I was taken aback by the huge amount of sleet that we had on Friday. Sleet is not particularly nice, I even find it hard to explain what is going on to my Brazilian parents -- it's not snow, it's not freezing rain, it's more like "frozen rain." Can anyone tell me if it is technically frozen rain? I had to go out for an eye exam and it was not fun driving, besides, those little frozen spheres hurt when they hit one's face!

Since Friday, I've been worried and saddened about my flowers. You can see on the left and below how my what my crocuses looked like last Wednesday,






really "happy" with the warm weather.





Then, on Saturday they looked like this:








And I took this one yesterday:


Some of them had just began to blossom and I can see that several of those which never even had the chance to open, have already started to wither. :(



We haven't been able to go back to Longwood Gardens since January, and I'm afraid these beauties, which I suspect had already blossomed, may have suffered greatly with the snow:I hope they have survived. I know these early flowers are pretty sturdy. We're hoping to go there within the next week or two.

Then, My Future.
Of course now that my husband K is finally finding out what he's going to do with his life in the next few years, I start to get a little bit antsy about what I'm going to do with mine. It doesn't help that I have a Ph.D. dissertation to finish, of course. I'm afraid that my satisfaction in finishing will be marred by my K's excitement in starting his new job. I'll be finishing something, but what for? Of course I could finish and try to teach in the fall since after all when a foreign student finishes a degree in this country, we can request for a year of practical training. I could try to see if any colleges and universities in the area are looking for instructors.

I can't do that, though, because I want to go to Brazil in July -- I have an international conference in my discipline to attend and present at and I also want to visit my family and enjoy my country since I the last time I went was January 06. If I request this special working permit, I can't leave the country. Besides, I want to go to Brazil in December for the holidays and because one of my husband's cousins is getting married in January. So, I think I'm going to go "under" my husband's visa, which will mean I'm his dependent and can't work. It's true that I am, but having this as an "official status" is slightly unsettling. I had that status for only 2 years in the past 11 years (it'll be that long this June since we came to the U.S.), the rest of the time each one of us had a student visa.

Writing
I recently found out that an essay I submitted to an anthology was rejected. That's not fun either. I have a very realistic outlook though, I'm perfectly aware of my limitations (and in this case there were external limitations since I know the editors had a very large pool of submissions to select from, so I know it's not just me). I'm not really a good enough writer just yet, but I think I can improve and learn more, get better. So I'm thinking of "publishing" my submission here in the blog. I'll do it in installments, since it's pretty long (some 4 thousand words, 11 pages).

After I'm done with the dissertation, I do want to try to get more writing done. I feel very sad and disappointed at myself that I haven't been contributing regularly to the wonderful online magazine Multilingual Living that my dear friends Alice and Corey edit, and in which I'm supposed to be a regular columnist. I'm silly, I should be pitching to them since they love my writing, and not trying to get to places that are out of my league (just yet -- I know I can get there). I have to link to some of the essays that I wrote there and that I haven't blogged about for months and months! The magazine and the website that Corey started, Bilingual/Bicultural Families Network were even featured in The Seattle Times recently! You can count more on me from now on, of that you can be sure, Alice and Corey :)

Academia: Teaching? Researching?
Another thing that I have been thinking for years and years now is whether or not I fit in academia. I think I don't really like teaching. I feel that I would enjoy it thoroughly in Brazil since there the people are warm and the students really develop a relationship with the teachers. Besides, I would feel like I was truly contributing with something new, since I spent all these years abroad. I don't know if I'd like to teach here in the U.S. though.

My six year as a teaching assistant in this country were not very a very positive experience. Of course I was not "a professor" (even though when I was teaching on my own some of my students addressed me that way) and I wasn't teaching courses that I had fully designed (just to a certain extent, since I always kept some of the structure of the class I had already T.A.d for a professor) and these things are important. I just think I was never able to appear confident and sure enough of myself to be a highly effective instructor. I did my best to master the materials, even because I was able to chose several of the books based on my own interests and I even taught for several semesters three of the books that I analyze in my dissertation -- shouldn't that supposed to be just great (for me and my own research at least)? I also did power point presentations, showed films, looked at websites and other things with the students. I never felt that I was good enough, though, and my teaching evaluations -- which I finally, after all these years, looked at for the first time last November (that's how much I can't stand feedback and criticism) -- reflect that. Several students really liked me, but many didn't really care much for me and the course. Granted, much of the criticism had to do with the structure of the course (writing assignments, syllabus, overall organization) -- something I kept from the courses taught by the professors that designed them and with whom I had previously worked, so it was not really "my fault."

Well, anyway, the main reason why I'm afraid I won't be able to teach (or least to teach and really enjoy it) in this country is that Brazilian literature and Culture -- my areas of expertise and which I would definitely ADORE to teach -- are taught only in literally a handful of universities and colleges in the U.S. The next thing I could teach would be world literature or Portuguese language. In community colleges I might be able to teach writing or introductory literature courses. I'm absolutely convinced that I won't ever be able to get a tenure track job, unless it's a position in Brazilian literature and, of course, IF I continue to teach, research and publish until such a position presents itself. Besides, such a position needs to be in the same geographical are we live and... with my husband now in the industry, we could move fairly easily. So, I just don't realistically see myself as a professor and I have to try to find other "dreams" to pour my energy into.

Well, research is a whole different ball game (to use one of those silly, but highly effective sports metaphors -- in Brazil we have countless soccer-related "common sayings" and I love those, but it always feels out of place for me to use American sports metaphors, particularly baseball ones like "touch base" since I know so very little about these sports). I think I'm a good researcher and the my research can be pretty ground breaking since I am extremely thorough and I love to collect "real data" and analyze it. After I defend, I'm planning to write more openly about my dissertation and research here. I'm tired of pretending I'm a real academic blogger and thus conforming to the "conventions of the genre" (anonymity or semi-anonymity, not revealing your institution, not writing openly about one's research). If I'm most probably not going to get an academic job, why pretend I am an academic blogger?

Finally, my blogger profile.
Since we're going to stay here, I decided to add my location to my side bar. Then, for some reason, I decided to add some things to my profile, and I did, you can check it out if you want. Soon I want to start experimenting with things here, like changing the template, etc. I definitely need a makeover since this blog has looked the same since I started it in November 2004. It's about time, don't you think?

Change is good.