Thursday, July 31, 2014

95% Diagnosed?!

Wow... it was a really drawn out process, this "getting labeled" thing!

Sigh...

And kind of frustrating, to be frank. After my first visit back in June I was given one diagnostic questionnaire for me and three to give to friends and family to take. I really didn't have many options as to who could take it, so I had my husband take one, my 12 year old son another and my one local Brazilian friend answer the third.

It turns out that the three of them thought that most of questions were quite irrelevant (they thought it was mostly about a school child -- if I fidgeted in my seat at school or something) and while my husband saw some mild distractability in me (about 65% in the evaluating scale), my friend and my kid basically flunked me.

My responses, on the hand, passed with flying colors, A+! Ha! Now the doctor had a quandary -- I see myself 100% ADD, but other people don't necessarily agree -- based on those questions, obviously! Talking to them, especially to my husband, indicates that they are aware of certain things I do and ways I behave that certainly point to ADD. I also took the other computer-based test, which I did in less than an hour (it's supposed to take up to two hours) and that one is supposed to rule out other conditions such as depression and bipolar disorder. The doctor didn't spend a lot of time going over that one, but I suppose I don't have the other two conditions. I asked him to take two more questionnaires home to have other people respond and see if it would help with the diagnosis and he agreed.

In between my second and third visit I was reading one of my journals and I found this piece of paper in it that I had written when I was 18 years old. I was trying to "define myself" and describe what I was like, so and I typed it up and printed it for the doctor. It was a list of about 50 or more characteristics, many of which are classic ADD symptoms such as:
- talkative
- clumsy/  all-thumbs (I let things fall all the time)
- undisciplined (not in school, in life – I’m impulsive)
- disorganized
- I think too much
- impulsive (I do whatever pops up in my head, whatever I wish, at whatever time)
- unquiet, restless (that kind that “doesn't stay in one place” “doesn't stop moving”)
- I leave everything for the last minute (work, assignments), PROCRASTINATOR
- impatient (I cannot wait for things)
- explosive (I explode, but in a minute it’s always well) “Never take me seriously when I’m nervous or explode because in five minutes I wouldn’t be able to repeat half of what I said”
- I speak everything I think (even too much, even what I shouldn’t)
- Impatient to an extreme
- I’m always in a hurry (I’m always running and I climb stairs jumping 2 or 3 steps at a time)
- Clumsy
- Forgetful (of details, but I generally remember on time to fix things)
- Absent minded (for my stuff)
- Irritable
- Ultra-impatient
(Note that I wrote impulsive twice and impatient three times throughout the list -- as I wrote this list over weeks and months and kept going back to add things as I thought them out)

Other characteristics (I'm not going to bore you with the whole list):
- dreamy
- exaggerated
- anxious
- nervous
- screamer
- loud
- transparent
- Enthusiastic
- Extremely vivacious
- Rebellious
- bossy
- annoying (a hard to translate term in Portuguese "chata")
(screamer & nervous also showed up twice each)

The doctor thought it was good that I had all this "proof" of me having had these characteristics for a long time. I also went over my challenges and and even read this blog post from 2011 to him, which he thought it was also "classic" of ADD people.

Prior to that visit I also had my husband fill the questionnaire with my mom over the phone (she dismissed a lot of questions, she believes that I "want" to be ADD rather than actually being it, sigh...). And I photographed it and had my good friend J (who reads my blog and knows me relatively well [except for the things she can't see because my husband cleans the house and my messes!]) email me her responses so I could fill it out.

I should have had the doctor go over those questionnaires during that third appointment, but thought that he would do it in between that one and my latest appointment (yesterday), but he had NOT tallied the results, which he did during the appointment. That was BAD, but he had to do it because I needed to see those results and see if they would finally help with a diagnosis -- and they did!

My mom did score me about 65% for distractability, but for the rest it was fairly low, around or below the 50% mark. My friend J did score me high (85%) for that too, and fairly low for the other characteristics (hyperactivity and low self-esteem -- a bit higher for her than for my mom).

Prior to the visit I had also read more portions of a book the doctor had me buy: Sari Solden's Women with Attention Deficit Disorder. And I had written the doctor an email with my impressions and the parts I fully identified with -- that was helpful to him (I wish I had reminded him of tallying up the results of the questionnaires in that email, but that's part of his job, he should have been on top of it!). So during the visit the doctor copied this "Self-Screening" questionnaire from Solden's book and had me highlight my answers as well.

At the end of the visit he said that I was "95% diagnosed" and that since I don't want to go the medication route (for now at least), he would work on coaching and other treatment approaches for next time. In order to prepare them he asked me what are some of my challenges and goals (being better organized with paperwork for my teaching and at home, organize office, books, etc, be better at planning in the home front, menu planning, that kind of thing). Let's see what he will come up with to help me!

(written by my 12 year old son who was reading and finding typing errors in my post, I had started with "I'm kind of dis..."):
I'm kind of disappointed that I didn't get 100%. ;-)

hahaha! we're having fun over here, and I think I'm going to hire Kelvin as my editor! ;-)

Anyway, what I meant to say is that I'm kind of disappointed at how long it took and these inconsistencies in how I view myself and how people view me -- again, based on those questions!! which can be faulty, especially for women with ADD -- make me feel doubtful of a diagnosis that for me is/was very clear. :-(

OK, that's where my "labeling quest" took me so far. I'll keep you posted. Any comments/ thoughts would be appreciated, especially from Spanish Prof who was diagnosed years back along with her husband. Oh, and thanks to my sister-in-law who encouraged me to go ahead and seek help. We'll see how helpful it'll be!

4 comments:

Rene said...

I'm proud of you for finally looking into this! I know it's been weighing on you for years.

Yes, hopefully the coaching will help. And at the very least, it should give you some closure on this question you've been wondering about.

Spanish prof said...

Sorry for the late response. My blog is kind of abandoned, and my life is all sort of crazy.

I will only say a few things: how people view you and how you view yourself don't necessary match. How people view you is subjective of what that other person consider normal parameters of behavior. To give you an idea: I am a messy person in many ways. I take out my shoes at home and leave them wherever it occurred to me to take out my shoes. As a consequence, my husband tends to trip on them all the time. Also, I have a hard time getting myself to wash dishes, to the point where we have finally put away everything but 4 plates, 4 glasses, 4 pairs of knives and forks, etc. Otherwise, they would pile up forever. I view this as part of being ADHD, and so does my husband. My mother, on the other hand, who doesn't even know what ADHD is, believes that my behavior is a negative consequence of my rather privileged upbringing in Argentina, where, as it is common in any upper middle class family, we always had a maid. So my mother (who loves me and thinks I am great in many other ways) thinks that sometimes I behave like a spoiled princess.

What you decide to do to address your ADHD is up to you. I don't think there is a right or wrong answer. While I personally see nothing wrong in taking medication, I respect people who don't want to go that way. I think that the best thing that being diagnosed gave me was an explanation for certain personality traits. I no longer felt lazy, underachiever, etc. It allowed me to understand myself better, and develop strategies for those behaviors I thought needed to change. For example, in my professional life, I learned to be super-structured, planning my day ahead usually the day before. I forced myself to write lists of things that needed to be done, etc. On the other hand, I felt less worry about other behaviors I didn't think were so important. Could I force myself not to leave my shoes in the middle of the living room? Yes, I could. But honestly, in the list of important things to change, it ranks pretty low. So I accepted it as part of my personality, and so did my husband.

What the diagnosed is not, and has never been, is an excuse. Yes, I have a hard time concentrating, I can be bored out of my mind pretty easily, I will procrastinate until it is too late it I don't force myself to work, etc. I do believe my brain is wired that way. However, that is not an excuse for doing a poor job, being irresponsible, etc. Since I know what my "tendencies" are, I have develop strategies to avoid falling into the trap of "I didn't have this ready because I am ADD", "It took me a month to grade my students assignment because I am that way", etc. Those strategies go way beyond taking a pill. It means writing on the syllabus and promising my students all the time, as a way to hold myself accountable, that I will never take more than 2 weeks to return an assignment (a promise I fulfill 90% of the time).

However, be aware you can't change everything. It could be a good exercise in self reflection that you think about what you'd like to change, and what you can live with. Talk to your husband, also. My husband was very clear that although he may occasionally be irritated after tripping on my shoes, it really wasn't that important. Together, we developed the hide the plates strategy to solve the washing the dishes problem. He is in charge of many household chores because he knows otherwise they wouldn't get done. In exchange, I go grocery shopping every week as a clock (he absolutely hates it).

To sum up, there isn't just one answer. Take the diagnosis as an opportunity to understand yourself better, develop strategies for what you really need to address, and let yourself be imperfect.

I hope this helps.

Spanish prof said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Spanish prof said...

Also, this book was very helpful: http://www.amazon.com/Driven-Distraction-Revised-Recognizing-Attention/dp/0307743152