This afternoon I thought* long and hard about my life and all my continuing angst about work and I realized something very sad.
I am still in "limbo." Still "in-between," in-translation, in process. Still on the way, just don't know where...
And I thought, for the first time in this (relatively) long journey, that maybe I should simply quit. But how?
What else could I do?
My husband was saying last spring, sighing with satisfaction, that our lives were finally good and that one of the main reasons -- he had realized -- is that now we finally had "stable jobs." (insert sarcastic smirk from me here. Ha. ha. ha, very funny).
Working two jobs (as full-time lecturer in one place and adjuncting a couple of classes at another) did provide me with the most money I've ever made in my entire 42 years of life (around the same as my lived years multiplied by 1K) and brought more comfort and stability to my family, there's no denying that. But my marginal "jobs" still keep me in a limbo with no end in sight.
The issue here is not that I necessarily "want" a tenure-track job, but I want (and NEED!!) a job that pays decently (my yearly lecturer contract doesn't & my semesterly adjuncting gig is miserable) and in which I will have some stability so I know what to expect for several years to come.
And frankly, teaching language for the rest of my life is not what I want to do. Even if I do become a "senior lecturer" with 3 year contracts and decent pay (something that happened with 3 of my friends at U#2 last year. Good for them!). And especially now that I'm about to have to use someone else's syllabus, assignments, tests, etc. That feels very "University of Phoenix" to me and we all know how that did NOT work out for me. (and yet, that's how my 3 friends work at U#2, one of them with a phd and a former tt job at an Ivy League school -- having to work using junior faculty produced materials**).
Yes, part of what triggered this post was receiving an assignment for my class from the junior faculty who is my "boss" this evening. But it's not my main motivation. I really need to address the issue of being in "limbo."
Right now, there's not much that I can do. I wouldn't know what else to do with my life but teach. Teaching high-school is not something I'd want to do. I do enjoy working with college kids.
I know things will work out. Deep down I know that. I'm constantly praying about it and surrendering it and asking for strength to be more submissive and less rebellious and even "conceited."
I just hope I don't have to be in a limbo work-wise for the rest of my life. Because that would be tough.
If you've made it this far, thanks for listening. Blogging as cheap therapy did do a fantastic job this evening, I must say! :)
P.S. In spite of all the angst, and all the driving I have to do every single day, I am thankful that I have a job, however "marginal" it may be. It is still a blessing and a big help for my family. I don't want to be ungrateful.
* I think too much. I found out in the past year, to my utter surprise, that I am actually an introvert. I never imagined that, but yes, I am! I'd like to blog about that at some point, I hope I'll get around to it.
** Do any of you have that in your universities? Grad students, adjuncts and/or lecturers having to use syllabi and course materials already prepared for them? That wasn't the case when I was a grad student. They trusted us. We were prepared to teach our own classes. But it wasn't a language department. Maybe it's different in language departments and maybe it makes perfect sense and I am the swhiny jerk here. I will admit that.