Parents Need to be Strong...

... at least in front of their children.

I was thinking this afternoon as I expectantly waited for a phone call from my husband saying that he had made his connecting flight from D.C. to Philly...

[he didn't and he may have to rent a car to get here tonight -- when he should have already landed here and with us at the airport or in the car heading home :( ]

... that one of the hard things for parents of small children is having to be strong in front of them and for them. I'm not only talking about the tough times when a child has a fall and starts bleeding and freaking out or has an accident and a parent needs to be cold-blooded enough to act quickly while trying to calm down the child when they are in fact freaking out inside too! I have often felt surprised at how strong I can be in such unexpected moments (not that anything really really bad has ever happened -- there's one story that I still need to tell you, BTW).

I was thinking more in terms of being strong or keeping face, in a sense, in a situation like the one we're going through right now. These thoughts came to me because K and I haven't had any quiet moments to talk it over, to grieve, to just hug each other and cry a little. Of course most of it is due to the fact that both of us traveled right after last Wednesday and we had to prepare for it, etc, but it's partly because we have to care for young children. I did tell my boys about what had happened and they know that daddy lost his job and that we may have to move next year. I firmly believe in always telling children the truth and what's going on, but in a way that makes them feel secure that everything will be all right.

They both know what happened to their grandfather in Brazil. In fact, while thinking of writing this post I asked them what had happened and was surprised to discover that it was Linton, who's only three, who answered my questions more promptly. "It was night. There was this man riding a bike" he said. Kelvin said that "Grandpa hit him with the car" and Linton completed: "And he fell and went to the hospital." Of course Linton doesn't really understand what death means, but Kelvin, whose first "encounter" with this concept occurred 2 1/2 years ago when he was only 3 and is described here [I just updated this post with photos o Kelvin, you should check them out] answered my questions about what happened by stating that "The man died." So, I think they need to know about certain sad things that happen when those are directly related to our lives (I don't talk to the boys about the war in Iraq or Global warming, for example, but the other day Kelvin was asking me about why we have to go through security at the airport and I briefly explained to him about 9/11 and terrorists).

I want to do my best, though, to shield the boys from anxiety about our lives and what will happen in the future. I know they may be sad to leave this house (see again Kelvin's last question in the post I linked to above), but at the same time we can make the whole ordeal a positive experience, and not only to them, but to us. I won't "fake" strength in front of them, but I don't want to be crying or expressing my anxiety to them because I think it's unnecessary. Now that Kelvin is almost 6, we have to be careful with the conversations and discussions that we have in front of him because he will certainly remember or at least keep some recollection of his feelings when he heard these things. Some of my earliest recollections negative have to do with when my dad was "fired," or, more precisely, transferred from one job to another when I was 6 years old. I remember the way my mom felt very strongly (and negatively) about several of my dad's "bosses." Like Kateri said (at least I think she did) in a relatively recent post [I checked back to May] that I cannot find (or maybe she deleted it, which is unlikely, or maybe I'm imagining things... I don't know) that we have to be careful about what we say to our 4-5 year-olds because from now own our lives and what we say to them become part of the their conscious lives and their earliest recollections.

I don't want the boys to remember this year as a negative one and if we have to move, I want it to be a positive experience. I still want to be able to have serious conversations about this with K, though, and to cry a little if I need to... I guess we'll have to stay up late a lot in the months to come, that's all, or... try to put them to bed earlier!