Degrees of (un)happiness

First, if you missed the previous post, there are some good news there, so check it out.

So K tells me that he feels much better now that he has a job and is no longer unemployed. He realized today that being jobless is one of the worse things that can happen a person and makes one feel ashamed and devalued. Even if it isn't the person's fault, it's hard not to think that there's something wrong with oneself. He's really excited about the projects he's going to be working on in the new temporary job and I'm happy for him.

As for myself, I wish I could be happier, but I'm just in a funk today, the high of working on the applications is gone and has been replaced by unease and anxiety. I want to apply to a few other posts, but I know my advisor is not happy to mail many recommendation letters. This is such a small detail, but you have no idea how crushed and discouraged I feel just because of this little thing (I wish I wasn't so sensitive, I wish I could be more assertive). Last year he told me I should set up a dossier with the graduate school for the applications, but I argued that I was only applying for a few positions and that my other two referees had no problem mailing the letters and, in the case of one of them, writing tailored letters for each position.

One of the first things I did when I learned on that surreal day that K had lost his job was emailing my committee members/referees. My advisor came forward with the same (insensitive) response -- set up a dossier. Doing so would make the whole process much slower and troublesome since I'd have to have to open a file with the career services, he (and the other referees if they chose to) would have to submit his/their letters and then I'd have to request the center in writing to send my dossier to the schools I'm applying to. If I were on campus, that wouldn't really be a big deal because I could just go there and fill a form, but the way it is now, it'd be quite hard. Besides, after 10 dossiers sent, I'd have to start paying for them to be sent. I almost sent him a nasty email, but in the end, after almost a week (in which I didn't go ahead and decided which schools to apply because I was so upset) I emailed him that setting up a dossier would just delay everything and that it wasn't my fault that I learned on October 31st that I'd need to apply, but that I'd be applying to very few places, most likely only three. He said OK, that a few letters would be OK.

So... now, I want to apply to some other places, even though the deadlines have passed, but I feel reluctant to ask him. Isn't it just AWFUL that he has to make me feel this way in such a bad moment of my life? And, heck, shouldn't I be applying to every single position under the sun just because we need to explore all the options? It makes me so angry that he just can't print out and sign a letter and put it in an envelope so the secretary will mail it for him? And why don't I just email him and say all this? The problem is that I did last year and his response was that I have to take them (the referees) into consideration. I could go find that email, but I won't, it will just make me more upset. What kind of an advisor is that? One that won't give the needed support to his/her student at the moment he/she needs it the most!!??

I mailed the remaining two applications today, but I feel discouraged to print and mail two more since I'd have to ask for recommendation letters again.

In addition to this situation and the fact that I need to finish the dissertation there are the many other things that make me sad & worried about this whole situation and the likelihood that we'll have to sell this house and move (probably at least twice -- yeah Anjali, I'll think of you!):

- The money we'll have to spend to renovate the house if we want to sell it and what we may lose in the process. (we may also make some, but I feel anxious about it)
- The hassle of renovation without enjoying the results.
- Probably not being able to join an organic CSA farm next spring :(
- Having to penny-pinch really really hard. I'm already used to living frugally, but I was thinking we'd slowly start to have a break.
- NOT KNOWING what will happen, where we'll go.

(I'm sure I'll add more to this list in the weeks/months to come -- I apologize for being so whiny.)

On the other hand, I've been feeling completely at peace with what happened, really. And with the fact that we're going to remain on our temporary vis@s and not apply for r&sidency just yet. It's just "more of the same" we've had for the past eleven years, I'm using to the temporariness of our situation.

"One step at a time" will have to be our new mantra.

P.S.
Responding to the comments to the previous post:
Prisca, Linton is much better, thanks for asking. Today we gave him the last teaspoon of the steroid and his breathing has almost normalized and the coughing is OK. Kelvin has a runny nose, but that's fine because he's really easy and non-maintenance when sick. (He's hard to deal with in other aspects though, sigh).
And, Anjali, we haven't ever had childcare for any of the boys because we couldn't afford it, that's why my parents came to live with us for so many months at a time. I don't think we'll be able to afford it now, particularly because Kelvin is going to a private school. It may also be good for my parents to come visit earlier than expected so they can be distracted and distanced from their own woes.