So... I stayed up really late when I couldn't and shouldn't have (given the absurdly busy day that I had today) to blog, but I wonder if there's anyone out there reading.
Anyway, it doesn't really matter because I write primarily for me and I needed to do that last night. I've been doing too much for other people, as usual, that's why I don't feel one bit guilty about my blogging.
I will go to bed now, but I just wanted to say that the musical at the school was AWESOME and worth all the effort. I just wish my laptop cord hadn't died (it was already giving us trouble) leaving me with no access to my half-done power point presentation -- because our battery has died a long time ago too :-(. I had to start from scratch and the presentation wasn't fully finished during the program. Oh well... nothing can be perfect, can it?
Well, it looks like I'll be back soon -- I seem to be in a blogging mood ;-). (4 minute post!)
Friday, May 29, 2009
Thursday, May 28, 2009
A Question of Identity (of Lack Thereof), oh, and dreams...
Apart from being a mother,* right now I feel fully devoid of any clear identity and that is pretty disconcerting, I think...
I felt compelled to write this after quickly browsing through my blogroll and reading entries from most of my favorite bloggers there. Lately I've been feeling some pangs of envy and disappointment when I read about the experiences of blogging friends who are in the tenure track path or even those who have steady jobs. I feel relived when I read the few who are still finishing up their degrees and enthusiastic about M, for example, who's basically done (congrats, my friend!).
For ten years I had a clear-cut identity: I was a graduate student, working on my degree. Half-way through that journey, my life took a permanent "detour" into motherhood and I think that this, as I have blogged repeatedly, almost insistently, about made me be even less interested in my "professional" self than in my personal self as is already natural to me. It was very comfortable (if hard -- you can read myrejected unpublished "essay"), however, to have this identity and I enjoyed it, after all, I had excellent reasons to have taken that long to finish the Ph.D.
My decision in favor of mothering and against flimsy and difficult connections to the academic world (trying to get adjunct or lecturing positions -- something very hard for me because of my area of specialization) has had some interesting consequences. On the one hand, I love even more being with my sons (more about this on subsquent posts), but on the other, I have this very diffuse, almost hidden feeling that it would be nice if I could be connected to academia once more, even if only as an "invisible" adjunct. Being in no-(wo)man's-land is no fun, I think, particularly because I did put a lot of effort into getting the (yes, really) useless Ph.D.
So here I am, not an actual elementary school teacher (I was just an "aide" PhD and all -- crazy, no?), not an academic, not really employed, not a really good housewife (because my crazy minded self absorbed navel gazing 'writer'/academic brain does not serve well in keeping house, etc... I've given up on myself), not...a.. thing. Except mother, of course.
[here comes the life "dream" part]
This doesn't bother most of the time. People have commented here things to the tune of that since I achieved my "dream" of getting the PhD I should be happy about it and try to put it to good use or some such thing, but I have to confess that getting the degree and becoming an academic has never really been any "dream" of mine. I've always LOVED to study and I did what I did passionately, but my motivation was never a clear cut and planned path to become an academic.
My dreams? Primarily, I dreamed of finding someone [check!]. I've always dreamed of having children [check!]. I dreamed of visiting Europe (have gone twice), seeing as much art as I possibly can (something to do in the excellent museums of this country which I've also visited multiple times)...
Dreams for the future? Travel even more, particularly with the boys (ah, Europe again!). Spend lots and lots of time with family (and, if possible, friends). Have more time to read and pursue my interests, to have "a room of my own" like my crafty counterparts. And... the dreams that I don't allow myself to dream (BTW, I really enjoyed your latest post, sis!) because of various still unblogged reasons: writing.
So, back to identity. I wish I could identify myself at least as a "writing mother," but as it is I am only a "blogging mother," which is similar, but not quite the same. Lately I've been feeling an almost imperceptible, if throbbing, need to try to go back to my academic interests. I know that I'm lazy and that I could/should have published several articles already, but it's hard to keep it up when one is not in an academic environment. Hopefully my knowledge won't go away in just some months, or even years... and I hope I can use it in the future. It's not my dream, it's not even my identity, but it's a hope.
In the end, being in an "identity-less" situation is not really a problem... I just wish I had more energy and passion and not so much disillusionment with academia so I could take up academic pursuits wholeheartedly. As it is, though, I am much too "poisoned" against it not to have qualms and insecurities. Everyone has those, don't they? And living in this in-between situation doesn't help either...
You know, I really needed to sleep because tomorrow is a BIG day, but I needed to blog too. I owed it to myself, right? [sigh, and this post took an hour to write, not only the 18 mins of the previous one, sigh some more]
* And I cannot emphasize enough how much I ADORE being a mother. I still insanely fantasize about having another baby (last week I dreamed one night that I had gotten accidentally pregnant and I felt so utterly relieved! "YES!" I thought in the dream, "I can finally do what I
I felt compelled to write this after quickly browsing through my blogroll and reading entries from most of my favorite bloggers there. Lately I've been feeling some pangs of envy and disappointment when I read about the experiences of blogging friends who are in the tenure track path or even those who have steady jobs. I feel relived when I read the few who are still finishing up their degrees and enthusiastic about M, for example, who's basically done (congrats, my friend!).
For ten years I had a clear-cut identity: I was a graduate student, working on my degree. Half-way through that journey, my life took a permanent "detour" into motherhood and I think that this, as I have blogged repeatedly, almost insistently, about made me be even less interested in my "professional" self than in my personal self as is already natural to me. It was very comfortable (if hard -- you can read my
My decision in favor of mothering and against flimsy and difficult connections to the academic world (trying to get adjunct or lecturing positions -- something very hard for me because of my area of specialization) has had some interesting consequences. On the one hand, I love even more being with my sons (more about this on subsquent posts), but on the other, I have this very diffuse, almost hidden feeling that it would be nice if I could be connected to academia once more, even if only as an "invisible" adjunct. Being in no-(wo)man's-land is no fun, I think, particularly because I did put a lot of effort into getting the (yes, really) useless Ph.D.
So here I am, not an actual elementary school teacher (I was just an "aide" PhD and all -- crazy, no?), not an academic, not really employed, not a really good housewife (because my crazy minded self absorbed navel gazing 'writer'/academic brain does not serve well in keeping house, etc... I've given up on myself), not...a.. thing. Except mother, of course.
[here comes the life "dream" part]
This doesn't bother most of the time. People have commented here things to the tune of that since I achieved my "dream" of getting the PhD I should be happy about it and try to put it to good use or some such thing, but I have to confess that getting the degree and becoming an academic has never really been any "dream" of mine. I've always LOVED to study and I did what I did passionately, but my motivation was never a clear cut and planned path to become an academic.
My dreams? Primarily, I dreamed of finding someone [check!]. I've always dreamed of having children [check!]. I dreamed of visiting Europe (have gone twice), seeing as much art as I possibly can (something to do in the excellent museums of this country which I've also visited multiple times)...
Dreams for the future? Travel even more, particularly with the boys (ah, Europe again!). Spend lots and lots of time with family (and, if possible, friends). Have more time to read and pursue my interests, to have "a room of my own" like my crafty counterparts. And... the dreams that I don't allow myself to dream (BTW, I really enjoyed your latest post, sis!) because of various still unblogged reasons: writing.
So, back to identity. I wish I could identify myself at least as a "writing mother," but as it is I am only a "blogging mother," which is similar, but not quite the same. Lately I've been feeling an almost imperceptible, if throbbing, need to try to go back to my academic interests. I know that I'm lazy and that I could/should have published several articles already, but it's hard to keep it up when one is not in an academic environment. Hopefully my knowledge won't go away in just some months, or even years... and I hope I can use it in the future. It's not my dream, it's not even my identity, but it's a hope.
In the end, being in an "identity-less" situation is not really a problem... I just wish I had more energy and passion and not so much disillusionment with academia so I could take up academic pursuits wholeheartedly. As it is, though, I am much too "poisoned" against it not to have qualms and insecurities. Everyone has those, don't they? And living in this in-between situation doesn't help either...
You know, I really needed to sleep because tomorrow is a BIG day, but I needed to blog too. I owed it to myself, right? [sigh, and this post took an hour to write, not only the 18 mins of the previous one, sigh some more]
* And I cannot emphasize enough how much I ADORE being a mother. I still insanely fantasize about having another baby (last week I dreamed one night that I had gotten accidentally pregnant and I felt so utterly relieved! "YES!" I thought in the dream, "I can finally do what I
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
I Owe You (And Myself)...
... more posts, more photos, more everything. But I haven't been able to find the time and, sometimes, the energy. I still constantly "blog" in my head and I feel sad that none of these posts come to light. It's even worse with the several posts that I've actually drafted in my journal over the past year. It would just be a matter of typing them up and "publishing" them in the blog, but some of them are about very sensitive subjects (my frustrations with writing, for example) or interesting but perhaps... I don't know... difficult subjects -- such as my feelings about being an expatriate and now an immigrant in the U.S.
Worse yet is the desire to post photos and keep up the photo-blog, but I keep myself from even beginning because I know it's time consuming because I love photos way too much.
And writing about the boys? I hardly ever do it here anyway, in spite of my "status" as a "mommy blogger" (I prefer blogging mama) and then the things they say, the way they are gets lost in the fast-paced living, and forgotten... very sad.
The situation hasn't changed one bit and I haven't yet started acting on it (looking for jobs), but our attitudes about it are slowly shifting. We're just going with the flow... We've just had some CRAZY days and now we have to slow down a bit. And talk more about everything (time for talking has become scarce with all the guests we've had, etc.).
OK, quick "weekend update" to end the post:
K's friend D (that beautiful girl's father[end of post]) arrived on Friday evening, on Saturday K drove with him to Washington D.C. and I stayed alone with the boys (this being alone with them is a highly bloggable subject ;-) and we went here. My sister-in-law arrived with her two boys around 8 pm and two hours later my mother- and father-in-law got home as well. I had to prepare for Linton's birthday party the next day but I stayed up late talking to my SIL and MIL, we only get together a few times a year. Sunday was crazy, but the party went really well (BTW I owe you photos from Linton's birthday party last year, then Kelvin's and Linton's this year, see?) -- K and D returned in the late morning on time for the party (which was a lunch).
On Monday K, D and the boys drove to NYC together while I did many things -- including finally picking up my cat in Northeast Philly!! -- and shopping for many hours for things to send to D's wife. K hardly had time to talk to his parents and they did it over breakfast yesterday morning (OH! It was K's birthday yesterday BTW, I should really have blogged about it!). So, there you go...
And tomorrow is the school musical and it's going to be GREAT, I'm sure! I'll keep you posted. Long hours of work ahead, though. Preparing power point presentations, decorating the set, typing and printing out the programs, etc...
The best of all is that I was able to take these last 18 minutes to write a blog post! I guess I owe "us" a bit less then, right?
Worse yet is the desire to post photos and keep up the photo-blog, but I keep myself from even beginning because I know it's time consuming because I love photos way too much.
And writing about the boys? I hardly ever do it here anyway, in spite of my "status" as a "mommy blogger" (I prefer blogging mama) and then the things they say, the way they are gets lost in the fast-paced living, and forgotten... very sad.
The situation hasn't changed one bit and I haven't yet started acting on it (looking for jobs), but our attitudes about it are slowly shifting. We're just going with the flow... We've just had some CRAZY days and now we have to slow down a bit. And talk more about everything (time for talking has become scarce with all the guests we've had, etc.).
OK, quick "weekend update" to end the post:
K's friend D (that beautiful girl's father[end of post]) arrived on Friday evening, on Saturday K drove with him to Washington D.C. and I stayed alone with the boys (this being alone with them is a highly bloggable subject ;-) and we went here. My sister-in-law arrived with her two boys around 8 pm and two hours later my mother- and father-in-law got home as well. I had to prepare for Linton's birthday party the next day but I stayed up late talking to my SIL and MIL, we only get together a few times a year. Sunday was crazy, but the party went really well (BTW I owe you photos from Linton's birthday party last year, then Kelvin's and Linton's this year, see?) -- K and D returned in the late morning on time for the party (which was a lunch).
On Monday K, D and the boys drove to NYC together while I did many things -- including finally picking up my cat in Northeast Philly!! -- and shopping for many hours for things to send to D's wife. K hardly had time to talk to his parents and they did it over breakfast yesterday morning (OH! It was K's birthday yesterday BTW, I should really have blogged about it!). So, there you go...
And tomorrow is the school musical and it's going to be GREAT, I'm sure! I'll keep you posted. Long hours of work ahead, though. Preparing power point presentations, decorating the set, typing and printing out the programs, etc...
The best of all is that I was able to take these last 18 minutes to write a blog post! I guess I owe "us" a bit less then, right?
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Tired of Waiting...
... for an offer on the house that never comes and perhaps never will.
... for the bank to finally do its part and analyze our case for loan renegotiation/reduction (who knows if they ever will either).
... for myself to stop dragging my feet and sending out some job applications (yet, I am yet to work on those -- I still want to stay home with my boys).
... to go back to normal life, and not have to keep the house perfectly stage at all times.
... to get my cat back (we didn't go pick him up yet in part because it requires driving to Northeast Philly, we should take care of that this weekend).
... and for many other unrelated things...
Yesterday we used the dishwasher for the first time in nearly two months. We definitely needed it because we had guests for dinner (friends from Massachusetts and their gorgeous baby boy) and my brother-in-law and his family arrived to spend the night and ate before going to bed. Up to now we had been washing the dishes whenever we used them and putting them to dry in the dishwasher so we could have a spotless kitchen at all times.... Blah, that was getting old! Tonight we began to load it again after putting the dishes away. That feels like a good step in the direction of some normalcy.
I'm not really feeling depressed anymore, I just feel kind of numb. I can't even pray, you know, because I don't know what to pray for! For a miracle new source of income to appear and enable us to keep the house? For a good offer and buyer to this house that we're really sad to leave? You know, I have to convince myself that this situation is actually the "new normal" in our lives, but it's hard. Really, I'm fine, but I have to confess that I never imagined, not in a million years, that we'd ever go through something like that. It's the hardest thing that's ever happened to us, at least to me. We're still a loving, happy and blessed family, but I think it's sad to simply have to lose the house and all the investment we made in our 8 years of home ownership. And the uncertainty of it all takes a toll on us too.
And weirdly enough, it feels worse because the original cause our personal crisis is NOT related to the world's economic crisis. K was laid off back on "Black Wednesday 07" as part of: 1) internal politics and 2) the after-effect of an academic study's result that ruined the profitability a major medication of the particular big pharma he worked for [I know, super long sentence, sorry about that]. Then, he was re-hired, and he voluntarily quit to go back to academia.
Buying this particular house was our only major mistake -- one I naively imagined would not become this problem it is now.* And, of course, it's at this point, -- and only here -- that our trajectory and the economic and mortgage/real state crises collide head on.
* See this post about the economic crisis. It's not a bad post, but what I said at the end of the first paragraph is just coming back to bite me in the head. I can't even cite it here, or read it, for that matter, because I feel so foolish and downright stupid!! Feel free to check if you want.
All right, enough whining for now. I will try to balance it out with more cute photos soon, OK? Thanks for listening.
... for the bank to finally do its part and analyze our case for loan renegotiation/reduction (who knows if they ever will either).
... for myself to stop dragging my feet and sending out some job applications (yet, I am yet to work on those -- I still want to stay home with my boys).
... to go back to normal life, and not have to keep the house perfectly stage at all times.
... to get my cat back (we didn't go pick him up yet in part because it requires driving to Northeast Philly, we should take care of that this weekend).
... and for many other unrelated things...
Yesterday we used the dishwasher for the first time in nearly two months. We definitely needed it because we had guests for dinner (friends from Massachusetts and their gorgeous baby boy) and my brother-in-law and his family arrived to spend the night and ate before going to bed. Up to now we had been washing the dishes whenever we used them and putting them to dry in the dishwasher so we could have a spotless kitchen at all times.... Blah, that was getting old! Tonight we began to load it again after putting the dishes away. That feels like a good step in the direction of some normalcy.
I'm not really feeling depressed anymore, I just feel kind of numb. I can't even pray, you know, because I don't know what to pray for! For a miracle new source of income to appear and enable us to keep the house? For a good offer and buyer to this house that we're really sad to leave? You know, I have to convince myself that this situation is actually the "new normal" in our lives, but it's hard. Really, I'm fine, but I have to confess that I never imagined, not in a million years, that we'd ever go through something like that. It's the hardest thing that's ever happened to us, at least to me. We're still a loving, happy and blessed family, but I think it's sad to simply have to lose the house and all the investment we made in our 8 years of home ownership. And the uncertainty of it all takes a toll on us too.
And weirdly enough, it feels worse because the original cause our personal crisis is NOT related to the world's economic crisis. K was laid off back on "Black Wednesday 07" as part of: 1) internal politics and 2) the after-effect of an academic study's result that ruined the profitability a major medication of the particular big pharma he worked for [I know, super long sentence, sorry about that]. Then, he was re-hired, and he voluntarily quit to go back to academia.
Buying this particular house was our only major mistake -- one I naively imagined would not become this problem it is now.* And, of course, it's at this point, -- and only here -- that our trajectory and the economic and mortgage/real state crises collide head on.
* See this post about the economic crisis. It's not a bad post, but what I said at the end of the first paragraph is just coming back to bite me in the head. I can't even cite it here, or read it, for that matter, because I feel so foolish and downright stupid!! Feel free to check if you want.
All right, enough whining for now. I will try to balance it out with more cute photos soon, OK? Thanks for listening.
Monday, May 18, 2009
One More Visit (sigh)
So, we're soon leaving for one more visit and I have to say that I'm getting really really tired of having to leave the house immaculate all the time. And some of the visits are also at importune times, such as Sunday morning at 10 or Monday evening at 7:30.
To top it of, today I'm babysitting overnight for my friend and I have another 7 year old and a 9 y.o. (both boys) in addition to my two. Thankfully we're going to have dinner at another friends' house (potluck style) and I'll have the boys take their showers there before we come back home and they (hopefully) collapse in bed.
So, yeah... boring entry, but I wanted to post again, even if briefly.
Oh, on a funny note, today I finally cleaned up a tiny, but unsightly "booger smear" (ah!! boys...) behind the big couch in the living room. It was one of the little things that had never been taken care off since we put the house for sale and we were actually joking the other day that we hadn't sold the house because of that. What if it works? Keep your fingers crossed! ;-P
OK, and for some "good juju" as my friend Chicagomama used to say, here's a photo for ya:
This is our friends' daughter, who was visiting from Brazil with her mama last week.
To top it of, today I'm babysitting overnight for my friend and I have another 7 year old and a 9 y.o. (both boys) in addition to my two. Thankfully we're going to have dinner at another friends' house (potluck style) and I'll have the boys take their showers there before we come back home and they (hopefully) collapse in bed.
So, yeah... boring entry, but I wanted to post again, even if briefly.
Oh, on a funny note, today I finally cleaned up a tiny, but unsightly "booger smear" (ah!! boys...) behind the big couch in the living room. It was one of the little things that had never been taken care off since we put the house for sale and we were actually joking the other day that we hadn't sold the house because of that. What if it works? Keep your fingers crossed! ;-P
OK, and for some "good juju" as my friend Chicagomama used to say, here's a photo for ya:
This is our friends' daughter, who was visiting from Brazil with her mama last week.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Shorts (Update)
- I've been really tired and sleepy lately, so I haven't been able to devote any late nights to blogging.
- On Tuesday K decided to lower the price of the house by 15K. I was pretty upset about it, but hopefully it'll help to sell.
- We had three visits this week and apparently the people who saw the house on Tuesday are planning to put an offer. The closing date would be July 15. Please pray/ keep your fingers crossed for us, since the last two times it didn't happen. I don't want to have false hopes again... :-(
- School will be over in two weeks. We're doing a full musical which I adapted and wrote 6 more parts for, so all children would have a speaking part. It should be a great success, but also lots of work, obviously.
- I really really really want to go to Brazil with the boys late this summer, but it will depend (like everything else in our lives) on whether we sell the house, etc. (if I went I would finally be able to see my youngest nephew!).
- I'm sure there'd be tons more to share, but I have to go to bed now. (it's actually 1:27 am)
- On Tuesday K decided to lower the price of the house by 15K. I was pretty upset about it, but hopefully it'll help to sell.
- We had three visits this week and apparently the people who saw the house on Tuesday are planning to put an offer. The closing date would be July 15. Please pray/ keep your fingers crossed for us, since the last two times it didn't happen. I don't want to have false hopes again... :-(
- School will be over in two weeks. We're doing a full musical which I adapted and wrote 6 more parts for, so all children would have a speaking part. It should be a great success, but also lots of work, obviously.
- I really really really want to go to Brazil with the boys late this summer, but it will depend (like everything else in our lives) on whether we sell the house, etc. (if I went I would finally be able to see my youngest nephew!).
- I'm sure there'd be tons more to share, but I have to go to bed now. (it's actually 1:27 am)
Sunday, May 10, 2009
The Happiest Mother on Earth
Really, I couldn't be happier than I am to be a mother (which was always my greatest dream in life) and I hope all mothers today may feel like I do -- the happiest, most blessed mother on earth!
Taken one week ago at the seat of power of this country (some might say the world) by my friend Sandra, who is going back to Brazil with her most beautiful daughter (photos forthcoming) tonight. We're driving them back to New York (JFK) later. It was a nice week!
Taken one week ago at the seat of power of this country (some might say the world) by my friend Sandra, who is going back to Brazil with her most beautiful daughter (photos forthcoming) tonight. We're driving them back to New York (JFK) later. It was a nice week!
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
Time is Running Out
So... I continue to be busy with my friend and her shopping excursions (on top of work until today), but hopefully tomorrow and/or Friday we can do some sight seeing.
The distractions aren't helping much anymore, though, because time is definitely running out. If we don't sell this house soon things will be looking really grim for us in the near and perhaps even distant future. School will be out on May 28 and then my paltry contribution to our household income will end (not that it helps much, even with it we cannot afford the mortgage and other living expenses anyway).
I can get the boys, try to book some award travel tickets and "flee" temporarily to Brazil, but that won't solve the problem, we'd just be saving a few dollars. As for work for me, what would I do with the boys? My parents are as strapped for cash as we are right now, so it'd be hard for them to come to help, but they'd certainly try. Well... that is, if I find something, anything.
I just wish I could plan the next few months, I just wanted to be able to feel "normal" again. Money is a curse, that's why I will never ever think it fair that some have so much and some so little. K told me that Michael Moore's next film is about capitalism, yeah... it will be very depressing.
It looks like we're going to have a miserable summer.
The distractions aren't helping much anymore, though, because time is definitely running out. If we don't sell this house soon things will be looking really grim for us in the near and perhaps even distant future. School will be out on May 28 and then my paltry contribution to our household income will end (not that it helps much, even with it we cannot afford the mortgage and other living expenses anyway).
I can get the boys, try to book some award travel tickets and "flee" temporarily to Brazil, but that won't solve the problem, we'd just be saving a few dollars. As for work for me, what would I do with the boys? My parents are as strapped for cash as we are right now, so it'd be hard for them to come to help, but they'd certainly try. Well... that is, if I find something, anything.
I just wish I could plan the next few months, I just wanted to be able to feel "normal" again. Money is a curse, that's why I will never ever think it fair that some have so much and some so little. K told me that Michael Moore's next film is about capitalism, yeah... it will be very depressing.
It looks like we're going to have a miserable summer.
Monday, May 04, 2009
Too Busy Living to Be Depressed...
... But in the few moments in between all the busyness it all comes back in full force. It's all there in the background, all the time, unbearably so.
Anyway... crazy-lovely weekend.
Friday: leaving at 6:30 am to drive to JFK airport in NY to pick up friend and her 11 month old daughter (thankfully K drove!). After dropping K off at NYU for a meeting, driving for 3h around Manhattan to show our friend around and being driven away to NJ and back on the road by the rain, chilly winds and lack of parking by Central Park (we wanted the East side -- impossible on 5th Ave., only the West side has parking on weekdays). We spent the afternoon at Elizabeth's IKEA (only 3 1/2% taxes!) and drove home. Arrived at 7:30 pm, left around 9 to drive to Maryland.
Saturday: Peaceful day at my brother-in-law's house (he was away taking classes towards his doctorate)...
Sunday: Rain continues, oil change for poor abused car needed, so we drove to D.C. only at 5 pm so our friend could take photos of the main points. Lovely photos taken -- hopefully coming soon to a 365 project near you (actually, near this blog ;-). Got back home around midnight.
So... no time to mope.
Nothing yet. Two showings last Saturday. Still raining, lawn needs mowing. It's tiring to keep the house in perfect conditions. We just hope it pays off, like it did to American Family!! Good for them!
Anyway... crazy-lovely weekend.
Friday: leaving at 6:30 am to drive to JFK airport in NY to pick up friend and her 11 month old daughter (thankfully K drove!). After dropping K off at NYU for a meeting, driving for 3h around Manhattan to show our friend around and being driven away to NJ and back on the road by the rain, chilly winds and lack of parking by Central Park (we wanted the East side -- impossible on 5th Ave., only the West side has parking on weekdays). We spent the afternoon at Elizabeth's IKEA (only 3 1/2% taxes!) and drove home. Arrived at 7:30 pm, left around 9 to drive to Maryland.
Saturday: Peaceful day at my brother-in-law's house (he was away taking classes towards his doctorate)...
Sunday: Rain continues, oil change for poor abused car needed, so we drove to D.C. only at 5 pm so our friend could take photos of the main points. Lovely photos taken -- hopefully coming soon to a 365 project near you (actually, near this blog ;-). Got back home around midnight.
So... no time to mope.
Nothing yet. Two showings last Saturday. Still raining, lawn needs mowing. It's tiring to keep the house in perfect conditions. We just hope it pays off, like it did to American Family!! Good for them!
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Crab Apple Flowers - Update to the 365 Blog
The first update since January 20!
It begins like this:
"Mommy! Mommy! You've got to come outside!" said my son excitedly last Sunday.
Go there to read the rest and see the photo, if you want. :-)
(It looks like I'm finally making good on my "fluff" promises, right? ;-)
It begins like this:
"Mommy! Mommy! You've got to come outside!" said my son excitedly last Sunday.
Go there to read the rest and see the photo, if you want. :-)
(It looks like I'm finally making good on my "fluff" promises, right? ;-)
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Quick Update on Visit to Surgeon
I just remembered that I never told you what happened last Thursday when I went to the doctor (the surgeon specialist), so here it goes.
He saw me for all of 3 minutes (standard here even if outrageous for a foreigner like myself) and said that he thinks that it's nothing and that the lumps don't need to be removed. He wants me to do another ultrasound of the underarm one in four months just to see if it has changed and he recommends that I make an appointment with an ENT (Ear, Nose and Throat) specialist regarding the lump in front of my ear. I was relieved.
(In his defense, the doctor was extra nice to my son -- I took him with me, didn't think that this quick visit warranted the trouble of finding a friend to stay with him) -- asking him about the Thomas train he was holding and talking to him. Linton enjoyed that so much that he later asked me what the name of the doctor was and he wrote it on a piece of paper, he's slowly learning to write the letters, but he generally only writes his name.)
The only annoying thing about all these doctor visits and tests is the copays that keep on adding up... good thing that at least I have health insurance (although it costs over 300 a month and we clearly cannot afford it right now).
So, I still have to schedule the ENT appointment... I'll keep you posted as usual.
He saw me for all of 3 minutes (standard here even if outrageous for a foreigner like myself) and said that he thinks that it's nothing and that the lumps don't need to be removed. He wants me to do another ultrasound of the underarm one in four months just to see if it has changed and he recommends that I make an appointment with an ENT (Ear, Nose and Throat) specialist regarding the lump in front of my ear. I was relieved.
(In his defense, the doctor was extra nice to my son -- I took him with me, didn't think that this quick visit warranted the trouble of finding a friend to stay with him) -- asking him about the Thomas train he was holding and talking to him. Linton enjoyed that so much that he later asked me what the name of the doctor was and he wrote it on a piece of paper, he's slowly learning to write the letters, but he generally only writes his name.)
The only annoying thing about all these doctor visits and tests is the copays that keep on adding up... good thing that at least I have health insurance (although it costs over 300 a month and we clearly cannot afford it right now).
So, I still have to schedule the ENT appointment... I'll keep you posted as usual.
The Chinese Family
So, last Friday there was a showing scheduled for 11:30 am and I had planned accordingly to get the house ready and leave by 11 am. Around 10:30 a car parked in front of the house and I began to get anxious wondering why they'd come so early. Upon more careful examination I realized it was an Asian woman, one of the realtors who had already been to the house before (they leave their cards, if you're not familiar with the whole house selling process).
I called K to check whether the scheduled time was really 11:30 or earlier and got more and more upset, because this is definitely a breach of real estate transactions' "etiquette" -- owners and sellers generally don't get (and don't want to) see each other. By then I was running around and trying to get the last things done (washing the dishes and putting them away, making sure the counters were clean, brushing the toilets one last time, etc) and I didn't even have time (and disposition, given my nervousness) to eat (I hadn't had breakfast) -- I even stuck my plate of cereal (with no milk) in the fridge before leaving -- that made for an extra refreshing cereal with strawberry pieces later ;-).
It was almost 11 when I walked down the driveway to pick up the recycling bin and the trash and by then the realtor had left her car. I told her that I thought it was scheduled for 11:30 and I guess she said something about 11. Then she started asking a lot of questions (with our list of disclosures in her hand) and I answered. The prospective buyer then came -- a Chinese woman also -- and started talking to me and and then I realized that it would be a good thing to talk to them because they were from a completely different culture and not inserted into the "American way" of real estate practices.
I don't really know the Chinese very well and please forgive me if I'm just doing a gross and rude generalization here. Based on my brother and sister-in-law's stories from their two years in China I gather that the Chinese (at least those that they interacted with in the smaller city where they lived that had very few westerners -- less than 20, perhaps) are a bit "nosy" and like to know about other people's affairs (particularly if they are foreigners -- my SIL didn't like it that they would always be looking into her bags to see what she had purchased at the hotel where they were staying). That might explain their curiosity and willingness to approach me, something that would probably be a breach of the unspoken "codes of behavior" for buyers and sellers here. And then, of course, there was the confusion of time which might (or might not) be related to cultural differences ;-).
In any case I enjoyed talking to them, answering their questions as honestly as possible but still trying to sound enthusiastic about the house. The lady was concerned by the lack of air conditioning in the main floor (there are window units in the bedrooms) because she likes to cook a lot. They have a two year old girl (who was sleeping in the car and then woke up) and a 9 year old boy. When the husband arrived, I drove away.
I talked to my SIL on the phone soon after (not the one who lived in China, the one of party decoration fame who lives in Maryland) and told her that I was hoping that the Chinese family would buy the house. She reminded me that I should want them to buy it house only if they made a decent offer (another stereotype is that they are a bit thrifty, I hear) -- well, that's true, but still, I was thinking that it would be interesting to have another immigrant family live here...
from the Brazilians to the Chinese.
I'll let you know if they make an offer (or if anyone does, for that matter). I'm reaching that stage in which in spite of my sadness in "losing" this house, I want it to just be sold already. So maybe all this waiting may turn to be a good thing after all. I'm also beginning to fret and wonder what is wrong with the house and whether we need to redo the two other bathrooms before it can be sold. That is something that would take money that we just don't have, obviously!
I think I'm going to start applying for jobs again. Seriously. OK, that's it for now, I just wanted to share this little story...
I called K to check whether the scheduled time was really 11:30 or earlier and got more and more upset, because this is definitely a breach of real estate transactions' "etiquette" -- owners and sellers generally don't get (and don't want to) see each other. By then I was running around and trying to get the last things done (washing the dishes and putting them away, making sure the counters were clean, brushing the toilets one last time, etc) and I didn't even have time (and disposition, given my nervousness) to eat (I hadn't had breakfast) -- I even stuck my plate of cereal (with no milk) in the fridge before leaving -- that made for an extra refreshing cereal with strawberry pieces later ;-).
It was almost 11 when I walked down the driveway to pick up the recycling bin and the trash and by then the realtor had left her car. I told her that I thought it was scheduled for 11:30 and I guess she said something about 11. Then she started asking a lot of questions (with our list of disclosures in her hand) and I answered. The prospective buyer then came -- a Chinese woman also -- and started talking to me and and then I realized that it would be a good thing to talk to them because they were from a completely different culture and not inserted into the "American way" of real estate practices.
I don't really know the Chinese very well and please forgive me if I'm just doing a gross and rude generalization here. Based on my brother and sister-in-law's stories from their two years in China I gather that the Chinese (at least those that they interacted with in the smaller city where they lived that had very few westerners -- less than 20, perhaps) are a bit "nosy" and like to know about other people's affairs (particularly if they are foreigners -- my SIL didn't like it that they would always be looking into her bags to see what she had purchased at the hotel where they were staying). That might explain their curiosity and willingness to approach me, something that would probably be a breach of the unspoken "codes of behavior" for buyers and sellers here. And then, of course, there was the confusion of time which might (or might not) be related to cultural differences ;-).
In any case I enjoyed talking to them, answering their questions as honestly as possible but still trying to sound enthusiastic about the house. The lady was concerned by the lack of air conditioning in the main floor (there are window units in the bedrooms) because she likes to cook a lot. They have a two year old girl (who was sleeping in the car and then woke up) and a 9 year old boy. When the husband arrived, I drove away.
I talked to my SIL on the phone soon after (not the one who lived in China, the one of party decoration fame who lives in Maryland) and told her that I was hoping that the Chinese family would buy the house. She reminded me that I should want them to buy it house only if they made a decent offer (another stereotype is that they are a bit thrifty, I hear) -- well, that's true, but still, I was thinking that it would be interesting to have another immigrant family live here...
from the Brazilians to the Chinese.
I'll let you know if they make an offer (or if anyone does, for that matter). I'm reaching that stage in which in spite of my sadness in "losing" this house, I want it to just be sold already. So maybe all this waiting may turn to be a good thing after all. I'm also beginning to fret and wonder what is wrong with the house and whether we need to redo the two other bathrooms before it can be sold. That is something that would take money that we just don't have, obviously!
I think I'm going to start applying for jobs again. Seriously. OK, that's it for now, I just wanted to share this little story...
Monday, April 27, 2009
So Many Showings, But Nothing Yet
I miss my cat. I saw him yesterday when we went to a birthday party at the friend's house where he's staying for now. It's hard to be just waiting for things to happen and to remain calm.
This coming Thursday will mark four weeks on the market for this house and although there have been many showings and some people who came to see it a second time, nobody made an offer yet. There was even one family who said that they were going to put an offer, but we don't know what happened... in any case, we're still waiting.
I'll write about what happened last Friday in another post, OK? Keep praying for us/ sending us positive energy, OK?
P.S. I really want to start posting photos, and I keep promising that too, right? And in the end I never do. I'll tell you one of the main reasons: it's faster to upload photos if I save smaller copies of them (they're all 5 mega pixels or above), but that's a big hassle, so... no updating to the nearly defunct photo blog and no photos here. :-(
This coming Thursday will mark four weeks on the market for this house and although there have been many showings and some people who came to see it a second time, nobody made an offer yet. There was even one family who said that they were going to put an offer, but we don't know what happened... in any case, we're still waiting.
I'll write about what happened last Friday in another post, OK? Keep praying for us/ sending us positive energy, OK?
P.S. I really want to start posting photos, and I keep promising that too, right? And in the end I never do. I'll tell you one of the main reasons: it's faster to upload photos if I save smaller copies of them (they're all 5 mega pixels or above), but that's a big hassle, so... no updating to the nearly defunct photo blog and no photos here. :-(
Relief - Feeling WAY Better!
I don't have time to post right now, it's very late and I need to go to bed, but I just wanted to know that we're feeling much better. I think that we finally decided what we're going to do next year and we feel at peace with selling the house. K was feeling out of sorts and discouraged, but after receiving a phone call from a close friend last night and realizing that we were just "going with the flow" and not taking charge of certain areas of our lives, he decided that we need to find a new meaning and purpose and look forward to the future.
What a relief!
So now, hopefully, I'll have the time and energy to post some "fluff" to the blog! ;-)
What a relief!
So now, hopefully, I'll have the time and energy to post some "fluff" to the blog! ;-)
Saturday, April 25, 2009
All I Want...
... is to be able look back at this time someday and know it all worked out for the best in the end.
Not in the near future, because that's unlikely, but when we're more settled down. Yeah, it's painful not to have settled down and begun life only two years short of 40 years old. No retirement plans or savings, no savings whatsoever for the kids' colleges. No future down payment for the next house. Harsh reality. In spite of all that, there's hope.
Thanks already, my friends. Your words are helpful. Right now we can't really be cheered up, it's not possible, but we feel more than reassured that we're doing the best we can, given the circumstances. And we know it'll be all right.
We just spent over an hour talking, K and I... it's painful to go over all the details, all of our lives, the past, and the uncertain future, but we're confident we'll be ok, it's just hard to think optimistically. Thanks again.
Not in the near future, because that's unlikely, but when we're more settled down. Yeah, it's painful not to have settled down and begun life only two years short of 40 years old. No retirement plans or savings, no savings whatsoever for the kids' colleges. No future down payment for the next house. Harsh reality. In spite of all that, there's hope.
Thanks already, my friends. Your words are helpful. Right now we can't really be cheered up, it's not possible, but we feel more than reassured that we're doing the best we can, given the circumstances. And we know it'll be all right.
We just spent over an hour talking, K and I... it's painful to go over all the details, all of our lives, the past, and the uncertain future, but we're confident we'll be ok, it's just hard to think optimistically. Thanks again.
Friday, April 24, 2009
I'm in Desperate Need of Some Cheering Up -- which I think is impossible right now
Seriously. I don't think it's possible to cheer me up, I don't even dare ask you to try. I can't even begin... there are so many things I've tried to blog about and not been able to because I just can't overcome the emotions and get done with the writing.
Right now what hurts the most is a simple, straightforward truth that I will never ever be able to shake up from my mind. The fact that all that ever stood between us keeping this house and NOT was me getting a job and the painful truth that (for many reasons) I NEVER went after such job. I didn't really send applications, I didn't try (especially in the past few weeks after the house went on the market and it was "too late" anyway in my reasoning). Obviously I suck big time and I know it, I talk about this all the time, how useless I am in this respect (and please, I KNOW I'm not entirely useless, that I have two sons to care for which I do well, that I'm already working part time at the school, yada, yada, yada, but I REALLY don't send out the applications that I should be sending and THAT is entirely my fault, please, I beg you not to tell me it's not).
Anyway... In days like today I'm just crying pretty much the time (like in the car driving around with the kids, trying to cook in the kitchen, listening to music, looking at the flowers, etc), I can't even bear to look out the window to the sun setting and my sons riding their bikes on the street with their dad. They've been doing that a lot lately, especially my youngest (he spent ALL DAY last Friday riding up and down the driveway, so much that he got a little sunburned), and it just about breaks my heart into a million pieces when I think about them not having that anymore. The space to play outside, the looong driveway, the calm street. It seems that the closer we get to actually selling the house the more they get excited about playing outside (something that my oldest is not too keen of most days).
There are some VERY good reasons to move -- apart from the obvious money thing, it's just too long of a commute for K to be able to spend some decent amount of time with the boys on a daily basis. BUT, ultimately we're doing it because I DIDN'T DELIVER, I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING. I basically purposefully didn't get the job at the online university because I truly hated it. Why couldn't I just have sucked it up instead of simply sucking? The house will sell, things will get better, but forgiving myself for this will be impossible, I think. K also has to forgive himself for his own decisions (I promise I will try to get to that post, but it's the one that just makes me too emotional), but I personally think that his decision was right (and he's aware of that, that's why he can ultimately be at peace) and he's pretty happy with work right now, which is great.
But I, I should be doing something and I'm not.
OK, I've got guests... I gotta go.
Right now what hurts the most is a simple, straightforward truth that I will never ever be able to shake up from my mind. The fact that all that ever stood between us keeping this house and NOT was me getting a job and the painful truth that (for many reasons) I NEVER went after such job. I didn't really send applications, I didn't try (especially in the past few weeks after the house went on the market and it was "too late" anyway in my reasoning). Obviously I suck big time and I know it, I talk about this all the time, how useless I am in this respect (and please, I KNOW I'm not entirely useless, that I have two sons to care for which I do well, that I'm already working part time at the school, yada, yada, yada, but I REALLY don't send out the applications that I should be sending and THAT is entirely my fault, please, I beg you not to tell me it's not).
Anyway... In days like today I'm just crying pretty much the time (like in the car driving around with the kids, trying to cook in the kitchen, listening to music, looking at the flowers, etc), I can't even bear to look out the window to the sun setting and my sons riding their bikes on the street with their dad. They've been doing that a lot lately, especially my youngest (he spent ALL DAY last Friday riding up and down the driveway, so much that he got a little sunburned), and it just about breaks my heart into a million pieces when I think about them not having that anymore. The space to play outside, the looong driveway, the calm street. It seems that the closer we get to actually selling the house the more they get excited about playing outside (something that my oldest is not too keen of most days).
There are some VERY good reasons to move -- apart from the obvious money thing, it's just too long of a commute for K to be able to spend some decent amount of time with the boys on a daily basis. BUT, ultimately we're doing it because I DIDN'T DELIVER, I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING. I basically purposefully didn't get the job at the online university because I truly hated it. Why couldn't I just have sucked it up instead of simply sucking? The house will sell, things will get better, but forgiving myself for this will be impossible, I think. K also has to forgive himself for his own decisions (I promise I will try to get to that post, but it's the one that just makes me too emotional), but I personally think that his decision was right (and he's aware of that, that's why he can ultimately be at peace) and he's pretty happy with work right now, which is great.
But I, I should be doing something and I'm not.
OK, I've got guests... I gotta go.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Time Travel: 2003 & 2009
Alternate title: Same Boy, Same Place, nearly 6 Years later
When we were in Western Massachusetts two weeks ago we spent some brief moments on our last day there (4/9) in the playground where I used to take Kelvin in his 1st and 2nd years of life. While there, I had the chance of taking some photos in the same places I'd taken them when he was much younger. The results are in:
October 2003:
April 2009:
Cool, huh? He's the same handsome and happy boy!
Will we go there again 6 years from now? If we do, I'll sure take photos and share them with you (it's highly unlikely that we'd do that with a 13 year old, though ;-).
When we were in Western Massachusetts two weeks ago we spent some brief moments on our last day there (4/9) in the playground where I used to take Kelvin in his 1st and 2nd years of life. While there, I had the chance of taking some photos in the same places I'd taken them when he was much younger. The results are in:
October 2003:
April 2009:
April 2009:
October 2003:
April 2009:
Cool, huh? He's the same handsome and happy boy!Will we go there again 6 years from now? If we do, I'll sure take photos and share them with you (it's highly unlikely that we'd do that with a 13 year old, though ;-).
Sunday, April 19, 2009
I need CHANGE!
So I began with a small change my mast, or blog title background, putting one of my favorite photos (last one here too), which I took on October 17, 2006 through the screen in my front window. I hope to be able to make more radical changes in the future, not just to the blog, but to my hair (hi Kateri, I'm coming!). I think it's just a natural reaction to all the changes that we are going to have to face in our lives.
I tried to post this morning, but I was so overcome with grief and emotion that I became a sobbing heap and had to run outside and start sweeping the back covered patio, sobbing uncontrollably. I will try to come back and posts tonight, but it won't be easy. I think it'll be good to just share my pain so it can begin to get diluted in the thousands of words and experiences that I've already shared here...
This afternoon we have what we hope will be the second and last open house, that's why I was sweeping earlier. I still need to put some last minute touches into the cleaning and tidying up (well, the tidying up is actually taken care of, there's nothing out of place in this whole house, we've done it for a week already!). Anyway... that's it for now. The days have been beautiful, the weather finally warm, but I cannot really enjoy it wholeheartedly.
Hopefully I'll talk to you later today. Thanks for all those who have been commenting and giving me your support -- you don't know how much you comfort me and how much your words mean to me. I cannot say thank you enough!
I tried to post this morning, but I was so overcome with grief and emotion that I became a sobbing heap and had to run outside and start sweeping the back covered patio, sobbing uncontrollably. I will try to come back and posts tonight, but it won't be easy. I think it'll be good to just share my pain so it can begin to get diluted in the thousands of words and experiences that I've already shared here...
This afternoon we have what we hope will be the second and last open house, that's why I was sweeping earlier. I still need to put some last minute touches into the cleaning and tidying up (well, the tidying up is actually taken care of, there's nothing out of place in this whole house, we've done it for a week already!). Anyway... that's it for now. The days have been beautiful, the weather finally warm, but I cannot really enjoy it wholeheartedly.
Hopefully I'll talk to you later today. Thanks for all those who have been commenting and giving me your support -- you don't know how much you comfort me and how much your words mean to me. I cannot say thank you enough!
Friday, April 17, 2009
Going Under the Knife
So, the other thing I needed to blog about is that the doctor called me on Wednesday to say that he thinks it's best to remove the lumps (here's the latest post on the subject), just to be on the safe side. I guess MRIs are too expensive (I've heard of one person whose co-pay ranged from 1500 to 1900 dollars, but I guess it may not be as high with other insurances) and it's faster and cheaper just to cut and remove... blah.
I've never had any surgery before, at least not the kind that requires an incision. I still remember when I had my tonsils out at 4, the anesthesia to sleep, waking up and having ice-cream. I also found it slightly interesting -- if unnerving -- to have anesthesia when I had the colonoscopy, but I generally dislike doctors and medical interventions. Of course it'll be only local anesthesia and outpatient surgery, but still... I'm not looking forward to it. Since one of the incisions is on my face, the surgeon will probably do it together with a plastic surgeon, which I certainly appreciate.
My mom has been very encouraging because she has had multiple surgeries and jokes that she's never afraid to go under the knife. ;-) She even had an elective biopsy of a small lump in her breast once, just for peace of mind. I still remember that, I must have been 10 or 12 -- I thought it was scary/strange that she was going to the cancer hospital (and by her own will -- in Brazil, depending on your health plan, you don't really need referrals, you just go to the specialist of your choice). Anyway... she says that it's better be safe than sorry and that a small biopsy is no big deal. The doctor has also reassured me that the removal of glands is completely harmless. OK, provided their growth is benign, I think.
I have an appointment with the surgeon next Thursday and I'll keep you posted.
I've never had any surgery before, at least not the kind that requires an incision. I still remember when I had my tonsils out at 4, the anesthesia to sleep, waking up and having ice-cream. I also found it slightly interesting -- if unnerving -- to have anesthesia when I had the colonoscopy, but I generally dislike doctors and medical interventions. Of course it'll be only local anesthesia and outpatient surgery, but still... I'm not looking forward to it. Since one of the incisions is on my face, the surgeon will probably do it together with a plastic surgeon, which I certainly appreciate.
My mom has been very encouraging because she has had multiple surgeries and jokes that she's never afraid to go under the knife. ;-) She even had an elective biopsy of a small lump in her breast once, just for peace of mind. I still remember that, I must have been 10 or 12 -- I thought it was scary/strange that she was going to the cancer hospital (and by her own will -- in Brazil, depending on your health plan, you don't really need referrals, you just go to the specialist of your choice). Anyway... she says that it's better be safe than sorry and that a small biopsy is no big deal. The doctor has also reassured me that the removal of glands is completely harmless. OK, provided their growth is benign, I think.
I have an appointment with the surgeon next Thursday and I'll keep you posted.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
800th Post: Hope!
800 Posts Later, I'm Still Here!
There are other things I want and need to blog about, but I needed to get the 800th post out of the way first. In the past, I've "celebrated" some of them with a photo of my flowers (700th) and, before that, there was a huge coincidence of the 600th post and the news that our green cards had been approved. And I'm glad I waited to post the 800th post, because now I can celebrate with hope.
Our realtor just called to let us know that there is someone interested in the house and that they're probably going to put an offer on Monday. They saw the house this past Tuesday (the day I baked biscuits to make the house smell homey and get people to want to buy it -- it worked like a charm on our first house, the first person who walked in offered, but it was a big batch of whole wheat bread made by my mom and MIL), but the good thing is that they had seen the house before we bought it 2 years ago!! So they can totally appreciate the incredible amount of work and serious renovations (siding and roof) we put in, unlike any other prospective buyers.
Keep your fingers crossed for us. This will be a suspenseful weekend! If they could only offer a "fair" amount that allowed us to come out of this at least with some money... (the 20K of the renovations is most likely "lost" at this point). I'll keep you posted...
There are other things I want and need to blog about, but I needed to get the 800th post out of the way first. In the past, I've "celebrated" some of them with a photo of my flowers (700th) and, before that, there was a huge coincidence of the 600th post and the news that our green cards had been approved. And I'm glad I waited to post the 800th post, because now I can celebrate with hope.
Our realtor just called to let us know that there is someone interested in the house and that they're probably going to put an offer on Monday. They saw the house this past Tuesday (the day I baked biscuits to make the house smell homey and get people to want to buy it -- it worked like a charm on our first house, the first person who walked in offered, but it was a big batch of whole wheat bread made by my mom and MIL), but the good thing is that they had seen the house before we bought it 2 years ago!! So they can totally appreciate the incredible amount of work and serious renovations (siding and roof) we put in, unlike any other prospective buyers.
Keep your fingers crossed for us. This will be a suspenseful weekend! If they could only offer a "fair" amount that allowed us to come out of this at least with some money... (the 20K of the renovations is most likely "lost" at this point). I'll keep you posted...
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