Exhaustion...

I knew it was going to be hard, but I thought that somehow I would survive it and I am (surviving, that is), but I'm having an extremely hard time handling the exhaustion.

It's too much. Teaching nearly 7 hours plus over two hours driving. Having breakfast (bread, fruit) & lunch (some chips or crackers, a bagel, or sometimes almost nothing) in the car... Doesn't leave much time for rest, or for grading and preparing.

Today I was frankly frustrated at my exhaustion, at how much I work and how unfair it all seems. I couldn't help but share with students that I was just way too tired and they sympathized. They too are pretty tired, though not as frazzled as I am at this point.

OK, pity party over (for now), just to give way to angst-ridden thoughts. (Ha Ha, welcome to my life!)

What can I do if I realize and decide that I really don't want to spend the rest of my life teaching language? I don't feel I have much chance of getting a "real" academic job -- nothing short of a "miracle" would bring that about.

Right now I just have to keep on living. Trying to plan for next year and not to think too much about the future.

(good luck with that, says one obsessed with planning)

I hope it will all be fine and that in 10, 15 years I can look back and feel good about my life.

I just have to trust and pray that it will happen.