All Over the Place

I generally prefer to have focused, "thematic" posts, but sometimes my mind is just all over the place and I can't do that if I want to reflect on what's on my mind at the moment.

First, the weather.
I was thoroughly enjoying the warm weather in the upper 70s that we had last week, particularly on Wednesday, so I was taken aback by the huge amount of sleet that we had on Friday. Sleet is not particularly nice, I even find it hard to explain what is going on to my Brazilian parents -- it's not snow, it's not freezing rain, it's more like "frozen rain." Can anyone tell me if it is technically frozen rain? I had to go out for an eye exam and it was not fun driving, besides, those little frozen spheres hurt when they hit one's face!

Since Friday, I've been worried and saddened about my flowers. You can see on the left and below how my what my crocuses looked like last Wednesday,






really "happy" with the warm weather.





Then, on Saturday they looked like this:








And I took this one yesterday:


Some of them had just began to blossom and I can see that several of those which never even had the chance to open, have already started to wither. :(



We haven't been able to go back to Longwood Gardens since January, and I'm afraid these beauties, which I suspect had already blossomed, may have suffered greatly with the snow:I hope they have survived. I know these early flowers are pretty sturdy. We're hoping to go there within the next week or two.

Then, My Future.
Of course now that my husband K is finally finding out what he's going to do with his life in the next few years, I start to get a little bit antsy about what I'm going to do with mine. It doesn't help that I have a Ph.D. dissertation to finish, of course. I'm afraid that my satisfaction in finishing will be marred by my K's excitement in starting his new job. I'll be finishing something, but what for? Of course I could finish and try to teach in the fall since after all when a foreign student finishes a degree in this country, we can request for a year of practical training. I could try to see if any colleges and universities in the area are looking for instructors.

I can't do that, though, because I want to go to Brazil in July -- I have an international conference in my discipline to attend and present at and I also want to visit my family and enjoy my country since I the last time I went was January 06. If I request this special working permit, I can't leave the country. Besides, I want to go to Brazil in December for the holidays and because one of my husband's cousins is getting married in January. So, I think I'm going to go "under" my husband's visa, which will mean I'm his dependent and can't work. It's true that I am, but having this as an "official status" is slightly unsettling. I had that status for only 2 years in the past 11 years (it'll be that long this June since we came to the U.S.), the rest of the time each one of us had a student visa.

Writing
I recently found out that an essay I submitted to an anthology was rejected. That's not fun either. I have a very realistic outlook though, I'm perfectly aware of my limitations (and in this case there were external limitations since I know the editors had a very large pool of submissions to select from, so I know it's not just me). I'm not really a good enough writer just yet, but I think I can improve and learn more, get better. So I'm thinking of "publishing" my submission here in the blog. I'll do it in installments, since it's pretty long (some 4 thousand words, 11 pages).

After I'm done with the dissertation, I do want to try to get more writing done. I feel very sad and disappointed at myself that I haven't been contributing regularly to the wonderful online magazine Multilingual Living that my dear friends Alice and Corey edit, and in which I'm supposed to be a regular columnist. I'm silly, I should be pitching to them since they love my writing, and not trying to get to places that are out of my league (just yet -- I know I can get there). I have to link to some of the essays that I wrote there and that I haven't blogged about for months and months! The magazine and the website that Corey started, Bilingual/Bicultural Families Network were even featured in The Seattle Times recently! You can count more on me from now on, of that you can be sure, Alice and Corey :)

Academia: Teaching? Researching?
Another thing that I have been thinking for years and years now is whether or not I fit in academia. I think I don't really like teaching. I feel that I would enjoy it thoroughly in Brazil since there the people are warm and the students really develop a relationship with the teachers. Besides, I would feel like I was truly contributing with something new, since I spent all these years abroad. I don't know if I'd like to teach here in the U.S. though.

My six year as a teaching assistant in this country were not very a very positive experience. Of course I was not "a professor" (even though when I was teaching on my own some of my students addressed me that way) and I wasn't teaching courses that I had fully designed (just to a certain extent, since I always kept some of the structure of the class I had already T.A.d for a professor) and these things are important. I just think I was never able to appear confident and sure enough of myself to be a highly effective instructor. I did my best to master the materials, even because I was able to chose several of the books based on my own interests and I even taught for several semesters three of the books that I analyze in my dissertation -- shouldn't that supposed to be just great (for me and my own research at least)? I also did power point presentations, showed films, looked at websites and other things with the students. I never felt that I was good enough, though, and my teaching evaluations -- which I finally, after all these years, looked at for the first time last November (that's how much I can't stand feedback and criticism) -- reflect that. Several students really liked me, but many didn't really care much for me and the course. Granted, much of the criticism had to do with the structure of the course (writing assignments, syllabus, overall organization) -- something I kept from the courses taught by the professors that designed them and with whom I had previously worked, so it was not really "my fault."

Well, anyway, the main reason why I'm afraid I won't be able to teach (or least to teach and really enjoy it) in this country is that Brazilian literature and Culture -- my areas of expertise and which I would definitely ADORE to teach -- are taught only in literally a handful of universities and colleges in the U.S. The next thing I could teach would be world literature or Portuguese language. In community colleges I might be able to teach writing or introductory literature courses. I'm absolutely convinced that I won't ever be able to get a tenure track job, unless it's a position in Brazilian literature and, of course, IF I continue to teach, research and publish until such a position presents itself. Besides, such a position needs to be in the same geographical are we live and... with my husband now in the industry, we could move fairly easily. So, I just don't realistically see myself as a professor and I have to try to find other "dreams" to pour my energy into.

Well, research is a whole different ball game (to use one of those silly, but highly effective sports metaphors -- in Brazil we have countless soccer-related "common sayings" and I love those, but it always feels out of place for me to use American sports metaphors, particularly baseball ones like "touch base" since I know so very little about these sports). I think I'm a good researcher and the my research can be pretty ground breaking since I am extremely thorough and I love to collect "real data" and analyze it. After I defend, I'm planning to write more openly about my dissertation and research here. I'm tired of pretending I'm a real academic blogger and thus conforming to the "conventions of the genre" (anonymity or semi-anonymity, not revealing your institution, not writing openly about one's research). If I'm most probably not going to get an academic job, why pretend I am an academic blogger?

Finally, my blogger profile.
Since we're going to stay here, I decided to add my location to my side bar. Then, for some reason, I decided to add some things to my profile, and I did, you can check it out if you want. Soon I want to start experimenting with things here, like changing the template, etc. I definitely need a makeover since this blog has looked the same since I started it in November 2004. It's about time, don't you think?

Change is good.

Glad We're Not Leaving

One of the things that frustrated me greatly and that I didn't write about until now is that when the possibility of this job came up, I began to feel that I'd really like to remain here in Philly. Not only do we have a group of Brazilian friends to interact with, but there are several wonderful people that I met, or am yet to meet (tomorrow, for example) through blogging.

Besides, there are some places in the area that we just love so much and would miss terribly -- and these are only those that we know, there's so much more that we haven't yet explored! That's one of the advantages of living close to a big city, there are many things to see and do.

So, I'm truly delighted that we're going to stay here after all!!!! (and I had never thought that this was even remotely possible, only in delusional moments when I fantasized that my husband could get a job in the industry :). I'm looking forward to selling this house and moving, even though that's one of the (few) downsides of staying in this area. It's going to be hard to find an affordable home we like in one of the places where we might like to live (we're very open, though, as to where that might be). But... I'm sure that with the precious help and advice of the "locals" that we know and will get to know better, we'll find the perfect place. The good thing is that we won't have to rush through this process since we're not moving that far away and can take our time. Well, all these issues shall be discussed ad nauseam in this blog.

Another advantage of staying here is that we'll still be relatively close to my parents-in-laws (who live in Massachusetts) and brother-in-law who lives in Maryland (I also have an uncle in D.C.).

What else can I say? Tonight we got a phone call from our closest friends, had an internet call (Sk*ype) from some other friends, and I also exchanged emails with another dear friend-- all of them in Brazil. Everyone is so happy for us and it's so good to hear that! We're happy for ourselves too! :)

Guess What?

So, since some of you have been asking, my husband's interview went well, but it was a type of "grilling" that he had never experienced before. He was interrupted by question upon question, when they had told him to prepare a typical colloquium "presentation."After a while he caught on, though, forgot about giving any talk and just tried to "sell" his research in a convincing, applied way, which is not really what "pure scientists" are trained to do.

Last night when I picked him up at the airport (after his plane had to circle over Baltimore and then Philly for over an hour before it finally landed -- while we waited and waited at the cell phone waiting area when we could have waited at home since we live only 10 minutes from the airport) he was optimistic, but not overly so. I did my part, he reasoned, and now we just had to wait. And a short wait it was.

This afternoon, at 5:30 -- little over an hour ago, he got a phone call. They offered him the job.

Yeah, I know, we're still speechless.

I had to share this with you even before we call some of our family members, just because I left you hanging since yesterday. Thanks for all your support and kind words. More later.

Long Day

This is going to be a looong day. I can't stop thinking about how the interview is going.
I'm not thinking, though, about what can happen, about him getting the job. These feelings are gone now, however. They've been replaced by peaceful and calm feelings. Whatever happens, happens. And we're fine with it. "Plan C" (another postdoc) has already been discussed and will be implemented if needed. He may even fly for California for an interview at the "small religious private university."

I'll keep you posted. K should call me later today and he's flying back this evening as well. We'll be fine. Thanks for all your support, it means a lot to us.

Party Pictures!

For those who haven't seen them yet, I posted photos of previous birthday party decorations (including Kelvin's 4th birthday from last year) here, and of birthday cakes here. This year, the decorations weren't that great because I didn't put too much effort into them. I've been pretty laid back with most things lately, which actually feels great to the incorrigible perfectionist that I happen to be!My dad helped me tape the balloons to the wall and hang the (dollar store) caution sign and hats on the wall, but I did the rest on my own. I reused the name from last year (scroll to the very last photo), I just removed the red crepe paper and used other colors -- which made for a too colorful and visually "messy" decoration (particularly so in comparison to last year's) -- the large happy birthday sign didn't help, I should have removed the golden fringes, at least... oh well...

My sister-in-law, the party decorator whose talent is highlighted in the post linked above twice, was busy with her 7 month old and, as I had already done the wall, she helped me put the "skirt" on the table and arrange the Bob the*Builder characters on the cake:
Oh, the cake. That was a different story... I didn't care too much about how it looked because this year, for the very first time in my life I made a delicious real layer cake. In previous years, I cheated by simply baking two plain cakes on pans of the same size and putting lots of filling in between them. This year I let Kelvin decide what kind of cake he wanted: chocolate (I used my tried and true recipe) with strawberries in the filling. I used sweetened condensed milk (the main dessert ingredient for Brazilians) for each of the three fillings (I made two layers from each cake). For the bottom layer I used frozen strawberries which I thawed and chopped, mixed with condensed milk and boiled for a few minutes. For the middle layer, I used fresh sliced strawberries over plain condensed milk that I spread on each cake side of the layers. For the top layer I used chocolate flavored condensed milk (Cobertura de chocolate do Moça Fiesta - for those Brazilians out there) with fresh slices of strawberries as well. I forgot to take photos of it as I cut through it yesterday, so I only have this lame photo from this morning (of course I had to have cake for breakfast, why not?), but I'll try to substitute it for a better one later (we still have leftover cake -- want some?).

Anyway... last year Kelvin's birthday was on a very cold day and... guess what, ALL the children we invited came, around 17 kids, plus their parents, so we were all cramped inside the house. Luckily we had already planned games for them to play in the basement and other activities, but when time came for the party favor bags, I didn't have them for everyone. This year, the weather was great (in the 60s) and I planned party favors (a bag and the yellow hats that I found at a dollar store as well) for 20 children, but then only 11 came, so there was enough room in the basement for them to play (we were afraid of the mess with the muddy ground if they went out) and all the adults got to enjoy talking and eating in the living room. I generally don't like to post photos of people and children other than myself and my kids here, but this is a fun one:
My only regret? I didn't take enough pictures. If there's one thing I can't allow myself to be laid back on is photo taking -- there can never be enough photos for me! ;)

Food notes: in the first photo (click on it to see it really big), the food to the left, is what we call canudinhos in Brazil -- it's a cone shaped fried dough which is generally filled with potato salad (my mom brought from Brazil). We provided the salad and each person could fill their own, so they didn't get soggy. As in his first birthday, I used Brigadeiros ("brigadiers" a delicious Brazilian confection made of -- what else? -- sweetened condensed milk and chocolate to "write" Kelvin's name on the table. On the left of the cake there are the coconut versions of the sweets, named Beijinhos (little kisses). We also had my famous homemade salsa and chips and tiny, made from scratch, pães de queijo ("cheese rolls" -- gluten free manioc starch based little rolls -- you can order a pre-made mix at the Chebe Bread site).

Five Lists for my Favorite Five Year Old

Kelvin has two "virtual friends," who just turned five on the same week he did. Ben, whose birthday was last Sunday, and Isabella, whose birthday was on Tuesday. OK, they're not really his friends, but I'm sure they'd be if they got to meet. They are the son and daughter of two blogging friends of mine, Caroline and Alice. I'm glad their children's birthdays were a few days before Kelvin's that way I can borrow their nice blog post ideas :) Thanks, friends!

As seen in Alice's blog:

Five years ago today, at 4:14 pm (last year I posted his birth story, in case you want to check it out):
And the birthday boy today:
As seen on Caroline's blog:

Five Lists for Kelvin, my Favorite Five Year Old

Kelvin's Five Favorite Things to Do:
- Play with trains
- Play board or card games
- Go with the family to Longwood Gardens or Morris Arboretum
- Play with friends
- Go to the Please Touch Museum

Five Favorite TV Shows:
- Bob the Builder
- Elmo (Sesame Street)
- Mr. Rogers
- Berenstain Bears
- Thomas the Tank Engine
(can you tell we only watch PBS?)

Five Favorite Foods:
- "Pilaf" (lentils and bulgur wheat cooked together and served with dollops of sour cream or yogurt) - that's what his grandma cooked for lunch today.
- Rice and Beans
- Chinese food (I didn't get this one, really, we hardly ever eat "authentic" Chinese food)
- Indian food (particularly chickpea stew)
- Pasta (5 favorite ones: Macaroni and cheese [disclaimer: I don't ever cook this at home ;)], Spaghetti, Bow tie pasta, Ravioli, Potato Gnocchi)

Five Favorite Pieces of Music/ Songs
- John Williams' "Star Wars: Main Title" (from this CD)
- John Williams' "Olympic Fanfare And Theme" (same CD)
- Veggie Tales songs
- "My Life is in You" (Christian praise song whose lyrics according to him go: "My life isn't noodle...")
- "Breve Virá" ("Coming Again") - Hymn, as sang by a Brazilian male quartet (Arautos do Rei)

Five Reasons Why I Love Kelvin
- His birth made me a mother and transformed my life
- He asks such deep, complex questions and has an amazing vocabulary (in Portuguese, although his English proficiency is getting better everyday and is always surprising to me)
- He loves to give and receive lots of kisses, hugs, and cuddles
- He is very friendly and always includes everyone -- you can't ask him his favorite friend or relative -- he doesn't choose and says he cares for everyone equally
- He's a very happy boy, who loves to laugh and make goofy faces and stuff

Happy Birthday my Beloved Boy!!

Good Kids Bad Habits -- Blog Book Tour

If you, like me, try to be a conscientious parent as far as health, nutrition, and safety are concerned and have been reading various books about these issues since before your child/ren was/were born, you won't learn many new things from this book. It will still remind you in a very effective manner, however, why it is important and relevant to form good habits in these areas.

Good Kids Bad Habits, written by Jennifer Trachtenberg, M.D. (you can check her bio here and many other resources in the book's site), is extremely well organized, very informative, full of forms to fill (also available online in the books's site), comprehensive tables, charts, boxes that highlight the most relevant or crucial information, and, a nice feature, true parenting stories spread throughout. (You can also check out Dr. Jen's blog -- actually a Question and Answer in the book's Amazon page, just scroll down).

The key point of the book is: It's a "child's everyday routines and rituals that will really make good health stick."(282) And for me it was very important to be reminded of that over and over again. The doctors who wrote the foreword also point out another key point: adults have to lead by example, we have to be role-models (ix). This is one of the most important concepts of parenting, one that many people don't often think about, but which should guide all our actions.

It begins with a RealAge (TM) Healthy Kids Test (since the book is brought out by the RealAge group) -- which has questions, distributed in three age groups, for all areas discussed in the book: general health, nutrition, physical and mental exercise, personal care, social and emotional health, and safety habits (you can also take it online clicking on the link above).

Eight thematic chapters follow: Eat Up (healthy food choices), Shape Up (exercising), Spiff Up (good hygiene), Smarten Up (good homework habits), Chin Up (Self-Esteem), Gear Up (safety), Check Up (health).

About food (our family's strongest score in the test, "perfect" 10 - which is no surprising given that we're ovo-lacto vegetarian and we strive not to eat junk food and to prepare most of our food at home), the new ideas that I picked up are: getting the children involved in planning and preparing meals and having the children to be constantly learning about new foods at home (like they learn new things at school). I also learned that I need to work more in our habits regarding exercise and personal care and be more careful with safety (Wear a helmet! She exhorts.).

I liked what in the books' conclusion, Dr. Jen shares an exchange she had with another mother and her thoughts about it. When the mother said to Dr. Jen that she was probably Supermom, she answered no and then she reflects bout this issue in the book:

knowing what to do and actually doing it are two very different things. Instead, I take what I know and try to make it work for my family.
In fact, I find that being imperfect is the best way to be. I strive to be the best role model for my kids, but I also let myself slip now and then. (283)

This is how I approach the issues discussed in the book. In matters of safety (like how car seats are installed), I like to err on the side of "perfection," but other than that, we're humans, and we're happier when we live balanced lives. Of course it's best to be healthy, but like she said, giving an example about her family and how they go to McDonalds once in a while, we can allow ourselves to indulge in a not-so-healthy treat every so often.


All in all, this is an excellent book, but I fear that the people who are really most in need to read it or learn about these issues, may not have access to it. It's a sad fact that childhood obesity and other ills are most prevalent in lower class or immigrant families, whose parents are uneducated and have to work long hours and not be there for their children like some of us can (or to get an education). I wonder if there was a way to get this book or its ideas to them. Of course it's probably true that the people Dr. Trachtenberg sees on her practice and whose stories she shares in the book (whom I am assuming are mostly reasonably well do to and educated families in the greater NYC area) do need to hear these things too, but I wonder if the book, with its wealth of information, would be accessible to the demographic that most needs it.

P.S. I almost forgot -- I was sent an extra copy of the book. If you'd like to check it out, email me so I can mail it to you. (the first one to reach me will get it, OK?)

Suppressing High Hopes

I'm feeling slightly better now, but a couple of hours ago I was feeling hopelessly depressed.

It's hard to let go of hopes. I know it's better than being bitterly disappointed later, but still, it is good to dream and having to rationally keep those dreams in check is tough.

I mean, my dreams are not even that far fetched.

I dream about:

- Getting out of "limbo" (Not having to live on a student and temporary work visas; knowing where we're going to live in the next 5, 10 years; not having to live on a tight budget and in a neighborhood we don't really like but which was what we could afford)*

- For my husband to have a job in a place we can settle and then I can also start to look for a job.

- Having a bigger house in a nice neighborhood, with a garden, maybe we could get a playground set for the boys for the yard...

- Getting rid of our hand me down and mismatched pieces of furniture, particularly in our bedroom, and getting a new mattress and bedroom set.

- Down the road, a newer minivan/ car

*Writing these makes me want to stop right here and NOW. We're so fortunate... so many people in the world and even in this country don't have even one tenth of what we have. Why should I be complaining? It's not fair... We own a home, we live comfortably, if frugally, we have almost two Ph.D.s... we should be really happy and content. I don't feel I have even a right to feel that way, but I do. It's good to think this way -- it definitely puts things into perspective.

OK, now why am I feeling like that to begin with?

A few hours ago my husband (K) sent me an email saying that he has serious doubts that the industry interview will go anywhere. These thoughts started creeping over him after he accidentally found out that a colleague from our Ph.D. institution (who's finishing his degree this Spring) is going to interview for the same position (he didn't tell the guy he was also interviewing, obviously). It's not even that he fears the competition, even though this guy's research does have a better affinity with the pharmaceutical industry than K's. There's the question of the visa. Foreign status is not a problem at all in academia -- there are no caps (visa limits) for academic jobs -- but in the industry, these caps are enforced. So, first, the cap needs to be still unmet, then, K would have to be the "only" candidate, not occupying the place of any Americans (this guy he met today is obviously American).

Talk about a reality check. K just says we shouldn't have any hopes that he'll get this job. He doesn't think it is possible. Of course we've heard that in the industry, if they really want you, they''ll go through great lengths to get you to work for them but... immigration problems are probably the greatest barrier one could possibly find!!

He hasn't heard back from the university in which he interviewed and it's getting so late in the game that we suspect the position may have been filled. And they had three. Yes, three positions. Six interviewees. This makes K realize one more time what he already knows -- that he was duped by his "boss" and basically forced to do research in an area that no one really knows or cares about.

Three years, almost wasted. His only option may be going for another postdoc. Another year, or maybe two, on limbo.

Remember his colleague, the one with the three job offers? He applied for three years in a row and did two posts docs (of 2 years each), so it may be necessary for him to go this route. Particularly because he was extremely unfortunate in terms of research projects and area.

Last night K also had an informal, but long, interview with the head of the search committee of the small private teaching university in California. He was not very excited about the prospects. It didn't help that he had spent the day hearing about all the wonderful opportunities presented in the industry and thinking to himself (this was before today's reality check, obviously) -- wow, I'm here listening to these talks and next week I have an industry interview! Anyway... we're not too excited about going to the West Coast anyway.

All right, I'm sorry I'm "dumping" all this on you, but it surely helps to get it off my chest. K was apologizing profusely as we talked, since he knows I sometimes feel even more depressed than he does. I still need to finish the dissertation, I haven't worked in nearly three years (which is, frankly a bit depressing if I come to think of it), I have to keep waiting for him to get a job so our family situation improves... it's tough.

Last but not least, I cannot let any of this transpire to my parents who are the two people I spend the whole day with in this small house. We know what they would tell us: see? You should go back to Brazil and work there... That's not something we're planning of doing right now, even though our perspectives here are kind of bleak.


OK -- we're going back to our "regularly scheduled programming" after this. Promise!! A book review (YAY!) on Wednesday, and this weekend will be Kelvin's 5th birthday party. So hopefully I won't have time to worry about these issues... and will be blogging about fun stuff like birthday cakes, Brazilian party food, etc!!!

A Bloddy Parenting Question

OK, I know I promised a nice soothing photo post, but you get this instead. I'll include a cute photo of my boy to make up for the disagreeable subject :)

Dear Internets, can you help me?

Do any of your kids get nosebleeds? What causes it? What can be done about it? What exactly do I have to do when it happens?

Kelvin has been having them pretty often (by that I mean at least once a week). I don't much like the sight of blood, but fortunately I get "cold-blooded" enough to be cool about it. It isn't easy for me to deal with it, though, particularly when it happens in the middle of the night.

Last night I was quietly typing away some blog comments when in came my son, looking like a little vampire who had just feasted on lots of blood and was wiping it from his face into his pajama sleeves and pants. There was so much blood it was almost scary! The poor half-asleep boy was complaining of boogers up in his nose and I could tell it was hard for him to breathe with all that blood tricking down his left nostril. Good thing he doesn't freak out. I had him tilt his head back, pressed a tissue to his nose so the blood stopped, and cleaned him up. I brought him back to his bed and it took him a little while to fall back asleep (during which time he asked me some complex questions such as "Why is the night longer in the winter and shorter in the summer?" Then, after I explained it to him as best as I could, "Why is the earth tilted/inclined?"). He ended up coming to my bed later and I told him he was allowed to stay "only for tonight, on account of the bleeding nose episode."

I know nosebleeds are probably caused by him sticking his finger up his nose and also because of the dry air from the heating, but sometimes it worries me. I know that some people never ever have them (like me) and others always do (my husband). Apparently it got a bit worse after he had a head on collision with another boy in church about a month ago -- his nose bled very profusely then.

I'm yet to Google this issue and I'll certainly mention it in our next visit to the pediatrician, but I thought that meanwhile I'd ask you about it.

P.S. I wrote most of this last night, but didn't want to post it so I could get a little more "mileage" out of the previous post. Good thing, since two more people commented! ;)

The End is Near

From my "Dissertation Journal,"first entry in over seven months:

The end is near. I hope. I pray.

Not in sight yet, but fairly near.

I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel just yet – I will only see it when the defense date is set. It does look like this is it. This time I’m going to really, really finish. I have no choice but finish. Most of all, I want to finish, which is the most important thing.

I care about my research and I’m delighted to see how it’s finally shaping up in spite of my procrastination, my faulty ways. And this makes me very happy. I don’t even dare to hope I can defend and turn it in on time to participate of commencement, but I think I should try. Even though I hate to set myself up for failure.


Maybe my mantra should be, like The Little Engine that Could's:

I think I can, I think I can, I think I can!



P.S. Coming up soon: A "light" post with photos from Brazil of some other soothing thing.

Musical Beds

I had been planning to write this post for a while now, but since today the New York Times featured an article exactly about this issue, I had to do it right away!! Here it is, my husband sent me the link this afternoon. Ha -- and did you know that if you click in the box that says "Share" on the right side of the article and then click on Permalink you get get a link for the blog that will still work even after it becomes part of the NYT archive? Good to know that!!

So, if you read the article, I wanted you to know that we could be one of the families featured in it (except for the detail that we don't live in New York, nor are we designers of maternity wear for department stores :) since our experience is very similar to these families'...

[Wow, it's raining really hard right now. I love to sleep with the sound of rain, it just makes snuggling under the covers so much cozier. Oh no... it stopped, I hope it starts again when I get into bed.]

I have already shared quite a bit of our sons' sleep history here (where I summarize both of my sons' sleep history and talk about night weaning my youngest and trying to get him to sleep through the night) and there (the post is titled "Goodbye Family Bed").

Since we moved the boys to their own room five months ago, we've been playing a lively game of musical beds several nights a week. Most often, my lovely husband is the one who gets up and goes to sleep with our oldest son in the futon who used to be in their bedroom, but sometimes the little one comes to sleep with me on our bed as well. Or, when they're sick, sometimes we trade places during the night.

The transition was pretty smooth for both of them and the youngest -- who has been sleeping in his crib since he was born, although for two years the crib was by my side of the bed -- generally spends the whole night in his crib (he can get out easily because we have one of those bed rails and there's a gap at the end). He sometimes needs to drink some water, or a kiss to settle back down, but he doesn't fuss much and gets up and out of bed. Ironically, sometimes when he is sick he sleeps better than when he is well, which is unbelievable!

Our oldest though... he's the one who has been giving us the most trouble. He can never go to sleep without an adult close to him. Then, if he wakes up in the middle of the night, he comes directly to our bed and one of us has to go with him to his room and stay there with him until he falls asleep. Generally that doesn't really work, he feels he needs to sleep with someone. Since in the past five months there was a futon bed in their bedroom, my husband spent many nights there with him. But tomorrow it'll be a week since we moved the boys to the small room that used to be our study and my parents arrived and are sleeping in the futon, so there's nowhere to go with him. Since we have a full bed, him sleeping with us is not really an option... so we really need to convince him to sleep in his own bed.

He's been complaining of bad dreams and he is afraid of the dark, unlike Alice's daughter, whose bad dreams started after Halloween, I don't know exactly when this started because he learned about monsters playing with friends and he may have been scared by a DVD that he watched, but I'm not sure. I guess some children are just "naturally" afraid of the dark, and others are not.

I will never forget one night when my brother and I were children. I think he must have been 7 and I 9. He was extremely afraid of the dark, he didn't even want to walk down the darkened hall to his bedroom. My mom then asked me to first walk down the hall and then to go outside. I remember the wind blowing and some lights from the house giving a faint light so I could see the trees. I grabbed some leaves from a tree so I could show him that I had really been out there and then I came back inside. It didn't really help him, but it became an indelible memory for me.

I don't know what we'll do to help my son and to have restful nights. My husband loves sleeping with him, but sometimes he's just too tired of playing musical beds. And I miss him by my side as well.

Now I'm going to bed, let's hope that the little one doesn't wake up too soon and maybe stays in his bed all night. Oh, and it's not raining heavily anymore :(

Writing My Wrongs -- Part II

As I continue the process of getting back into dissertation writing, I realize that I have more problems than those explained in my first post on this subject. Both "external" and "inner" problems. I guess this will become an ongoing series here in the blog. :)

It was so good to hear from some of you regarding these problems. I was most impressed by David's final remark in his comment: "I used to think that my diss. avoidance was largely about being afraid of failure. More and more nowadays, I think what I'm more afraid of is success." I learned a lot from your latest post on the subject, David, and I want to respond to it on another post.

"External Problems:"
I don't want to whine too much about my relationship with my readers (ABD Mom/Professing Mama later regretted the things she wrote about her advisor, so I'm refraining from writing very negative things), but feedback from one of them literally blocks my writing. I have written about it before, but I'll think more before I write again, so I don't regret what I write. You can check some posts on this subject on my "Dissertatin'/ Dissertation updates" category/ post label.

"Inner Problems:"

Academic Writing

I haven't really been taught how to write academically. This was one aspect that was lacking from my otherwise excellent college education in Brazil. My writing classes were the lowest level classes in my English degree classes at the University of São Paulo (largest in Latin America) -- the literature classes were great, we even read Derrida and studied deconstruction in the last year. The plunge into graduate school here in the U.S. didn't contribute much to it either.

For one, I never studied writing here in the U.S. As you can probably tell from my blog, I have a great proficiency in English, oh, and I'm not modest about that either (the TOEFL was the most "stupid" exam I ever had to take, it's a long story, but I ended up taking it three times back in 1998 -- two written, and the last, a pilot test for the online version, and I got perfect scores every time). This proficiency (I have often been complimented for my spoken English as well) didn't help because I never sought help or went to audit writing classes in the English dept.

This makes me very rebellious against academic language and writing -- here is a HUGE post from last ytear in which I question "what's the use" of getting a Ph.D. in the first place, all because of problems with writing. I wasn't trained to write academically it, and yet, I can write well, so, why do I have to fit in? Why do I have to write things the way it has to be written? I just hate that I have to conform in order to get a Ph.D. -- but David, in relationship to habit adverseness, I'm not going to change just because of the dissertation, oh no!!

Practical consequences of this writing problem, which actually may stem from a "thinking problem" -- I don't know how to think academically in the clichéd way that we're supposed to thing:

- I can't think of thesis statements or my argument before beginning my research projects. I love to do these sweeping historical overviews that have little point and are centered mostly in a common theme, or in gender (the case of my dissertation -- sorry, I don't want to be more specific).

- I can't stand theory and I do an AWFUL job summarizing all the different sources I have and not using too many quotes. I have a hard time with synthesizing other's people's arguments, with abstracting just the essence of their point.

- I tend to cite too much. When I find an author or source that's really illuminating to me, I just can't just write their point in my own words (see previous item -- I don't summarize well).

- I SUCK at writing conclusions. Since I have no thesis to begin with, I have a hard time to articulate my contributions, just in very general terms.

Broadness and Ambitiousness of Research Projects

I'm a bit crazy where research is concerned. I like to do huge overviews, but then have a hard time drawing conclusions, obviously.

Two examples. In my very first semester as a "non-degree student" here (before I was accepted into grad school), I took a class about Slavery in Brazil. My final project? Analyze the image of slavery (characters who were slaves or Black) in TEN NOVELS written before the abolition of slavery in Brazil (1888). The paper that resulted was really bad, because, in the words of the professor, it read like a long list.

So, in my next "overly ambitious" project with her, I put all the data into a chart and then wrote the paper interpreting it, and it worked better. This paper was an examination of all references to music (singing, musical instruments, operas, musical language and images) in ALL THE WORKS by Machado de Assis, who is considered the greatest Brazilian writer. I browsed through nine novels, all his stories and most newspaper crônicas found in his collect works, and typed up all the references, categorizing them (see parentheses above). I had lots of fun, and I hope to get this published someday. (Isn't this an interesting project, Jeannette?)

My dissertation is something similar, just crazy, it's two or more dissertations rolled into one. I have several chapters which are 50 pages long. I think that without the appendices, it'll have over 200 pages, like 400 or more with the appendices (mostly tables with the data collected).

Did I mention that I'm way too prolix to boot? Yeah, that you already know!

New (Industrial) Developments!!

(first, don't forget to check the previous post that I wrote this morning. I'd appreciate your feedback)

No, there haven't been any job offers yet... but, something very exciting is going on.

It happened so quickly we can hardly believe it's real! Last Wednesday my husband (let's call him K form now on, OK?) saw a job announcement at a pharmaceutical industry which happens to be in the region where we live. Coincidentally, we have a friend who works there and on Thursday K contacted him. On Friday, our friend emailed K's resume to the hiring manager, also leaving a voice-mail and saying very good things about K.

Yesterday morning, K opened his email and... lo and behold, there was an email from the hiring manager scheduling a phone interview for today at noon. The phone interview went GREAT and K now has an on-site interview in two weeks. With the director of research, who's coming from the U.K. WOW! (I find this is all very interesting, eerily connected to the new "industrial developments" that have been happening to Articulate Dad as well).

And K's lab mate (who also happens to be from Brazil), the one who had 5 interviews, received THREE job offers today, three!!! (since he's not one of us and you don't know his background, I'll say where: Emory, Duke, and Boulder).

Amazing, huh? Well, decisions will have to be made. I hope it's soon our turn!

First Step: Admitting My Problems

So, here are some of the problems that plague me in my dissertation writing. I had originally written "guilt" in the title, but that's way too strong, and I'm not really "guilty" for having been born with certain personality traits. Of course I still have to learn to deal with them and overcome them at least as far as writing the dissertation is concerned. I realize that some of these things are problems for most people, not just who need to write a dissertation, but I still want to address them.

Problems from "outside"

- I'm away from campus.
I've moved 3 and a half years ago. It takes me 6 hours to drive to campus. I've been there only 3 times to address dissertation problems

- I don't get electronic feedback (I have to wait for it to come in the mail).
This makes it harder mostly because of the time. My advisor says he'll annotate electronically the latest drafts, but he didn't want to do it with the earlier ones. In addition to this problem one reader has asked for hard copies, but I really can't afford to print them out at home. Our wonderful department secretary has told me she can print them out for me. YAY! That'll be such great help!

- No $ for childcare and preschool for the boys.
This is a hard one and I've already addressed this problem briefly in a previous post. That's where my parents come in to help.

As you see, I have help, or solutions even, for some of the "external" problems, but the "internal" ones are harder to deal with.

"Inner" Impediments/"Impairments" -- personality wise

- I'm a "habit adverse" person.
I used this expression once in a comment to Academic Coach, and Mary liked it. This is a serious problem for me, which makes me literally unable to follow most of the advice of great books such as Writing Your Dissertation in Fifteen Minutes a Day (Bolker). I can't stand routines and planning of my daily life, I love to be spontaneous. I have to admit, though, that having scheduled things, like classes to teach or attend, is helpful and feels "healthy" to me, so that means that I should have something to structure my life.

- I don't like to set goals, make resolutions, plan my course of action.
This is part of the previous one, but I decided to make it a separate item. Basically, I don't like to make resolutions and then not to keep them. I'm smart enough not to set myself up for disappointment, since I hate to be disappointed (who doesn't? ;). Of course I do love to plan for future events, travel, parties, vacations, etc, but planning on a daily, weekly, monthly basis, particularly for the dissertation is hard.

Last year and the year before I did set up deadline for myself (I even had them in my sidebar), but that's how they worked: I sent my advisor whatever I had achieved by the deadline. That worked great, but that's not what I need now, that I need to turn in completed drafts of chapters. I know I'll NEED to set goals and fulfill them if I want to finish.

- I need external pressure and deadlines imposed by other people.
This is an obvious consequence of the previous item and this time (as in the past year of working: Sept 05-Aug 06) , my only external deadline comes from my parents, who will be traveling to China in May and want me to finish before then. Being able to participate in the commencement would be a great deadline, but I'm so discouraged because I have only two months to get done (defend and submit the diss to the graduate school) that I'm just thinking it's not going to work... I feel sad about that, but I know it's "my fault" that I may not participate. I feel stupid, but just that fact that I depend from other people's feedback and willingness to work with me so I can reach the deadline stops me cold in my tracks. Fear of failure again... (but I didn't even talk about this issue yet!)

- I'm a huge procrastinator.
The less said about that the better. I just hate that about me... and I know that most people have this problem. I guess it's just a "human thing" and those that don't suffer from it are the exception, the "super humans" or whatever.

- Dispersiveness
A kind of "ADD" that's part and parcel of my personality. Of course I don't really have ADD, but sometimes I feel I do... I just can't concentrate on something for long, I ADORE multitasking and I'm pretty good at eat. It doesn't help much when cleaning the house and writing a dissertation, though. That's why the house is generally messy and I haven't finished yet.

- Perfectionism
HA -- that's a big problem. I have to convince myself that I have to stop fine tuning my research results and feeling guilty about all the sources I haven't read and work on turning it a "defendable dissertation" regardless of whether it's all I wanted it to be or not. It's very hard not to follow my perfectionist vein in every step of the process. (My perfectionism even prevents me from posting more often here. If a post is not finished to my liking, or doesn't have all the photos that I want to include, it takes a long time to be posted).

- I'm afraid of failure, so have problems with receiving feedback.
I'm the kind of person who loathes being criticized and/or reprimanded, scolded. I always try to do everything right because of that, little things like, e.g. not making turns in other people's driveways , or other things. I just feel completely devastated if I'm reprimanded for anything, no matter how little and silly.

This makes receiving feedback something EXCRUCIATING for me. I feel bad about that... I mean, is this caused by my "pride" in the "excellence" of my work? I always did well and excelled, and:

- I've never been taught to rewrite or edit and I don't like to do it.
This is probably related to the previous one. I think I've gotten much better on this since I started, but it's still hard for me. I value every single word that I write, it takes so much for me to sit down and write them in the first place that it's very hard to have to cut lots and lots of things and edit my writing. (Blogging has been helping me with editing -- I always go back and edit my posts... oh, well, it's tied with the "perfectionist" thing, I realize. If I'm a perfectionist, it editing and rewriting shouldn't be a problem for me, should it? Go figure).


I'm sure I may have forgotten some things, but I wanted to put this out there. As Cloudscome commented in the previous dissertation post, blogging can be very helpful. By the way, thanks for your support everyone! It means a lot to me to know other people are out there rooting for me!

Drizzle, Snow, and Poetry -- for Jo(e)

Note: I know I shouldn't be writing another post during the weekend, when people aren't reading much, so please don't forget to check my previous post -- it took me over a month to finish and post it!

I wrote a poem once, many years ago, about the drizzle (garoa) that falls in São Paulo, and which is (or used to be) considered one of the typical things of the city. I had just taken a class on the modern poets of Brazil and read the poetry of Mário de Andrade who mentions São Paulo's drizzle several times in his poems (he also often refers to the Italian immigrants of the city, hence the word I use there).

I’m not a good poet, but here’s the poem, in Portuguese with my own English translation below. The word drizzle is beautiful in Portuguese: garoa. I don’t like it very much in English (drizzle), though.

Note: the formatting is going to be lost for both poems. I really like to play with indentations and to put certain words centralized below the previous verse, but I just need to know a lot of HTML to do that... maybe I'll try to edit them later.

Porque a garoa é triste?
É porque parece que a natureza chora?
Branco, nublado, Ausência
– o nada –
Fala o vento soprando frio, melancólico.
Garoa
cai em silêncio
E este silêncio dá um desespero!!

Prefiro o barulho da chuva.
Ele parece vivo, vibrante, até alegre.
A garoa nem geme. É quieta, sorrateira.
Como aquelas grandes tristezas, melancolias,
que nos enchem o coração de vez em quando...
que vem assim também. Silentes, caladas
(e calam lá no fundo...)

Através da garoa vê-se o mundo embaçado,
miopemente desfocado.

"– Garoa, sai dos meus olhos." - diz o Mário.

Sai dos meus olhos
Sai do meu coração

Parla!

Porque o teu silêncio me sufoca.

05.11.92 9:30 a.m.
(é ruim mas é algo)

English:

Why is the drizzle sad?
Is it because it seems that nature weeps?
White, cloudiness, Absence
– nothing –
Says the wind blowing cold, melancholic.
Drizzle
falls silently
And this silence brings me such despair!!

I prefer the noise of the rain.
It seems alive, vibrant, even joyful.
The drizzle doen’t even moan. It’s quiet, surreptitious.
Like those feelings of sadness, and melancholy that fill our hearts once in a while…
that also come like that. Silent, peaceful
(and pierce us deeply…)

Through the drizzle one sees the foggy world,
Near-sightedly out of focus.

“Drizzle, get out of my eyes.” – says Mário.

Get out of my eyes
Get out of my heart

Parla!

Because your silence suffocates me.

May 11, 1992, 9:30 am
(it’s bad but it’s something)

I thought of this poem written almost fifteen years ago now because I think it applies well to the snow that’s falling out there. The word "drizzle" can be easily substituted for "snow," so the poem can also be read as if it were about snow.

Once I wrote in a comment in Jo(e)’s blog that one of the things that bothered me about the snow was the eerie silence that came with it and she liked that idea. She said that maybe that’s one of the things that depressed her so in the month of February. This month is almost over, but I wanted to share this with her (and you).

I also wish I could write haikus like my friend Cloudscome, but they’re so hard to write for someone as prolix as myself. Right now, all I can write is this:

Snow is falling fast
As I type my dissertation
I look out the window from the corner of my eye
Wishing the words could come to me as fast as the snowflakes.
All that comes is some poetry, not academic prose.
It feels good to write again, though
It has been many years since I’ve felt the words
Like snowflakes, light and pure
Falling silently and covering me with a blanket.
Only black, not white.
Black words on white paper
Black words on the blank computer screen.

Words
Falling
Finally

I think there’s hope for me.
If only I can still write.

(NOT) Getting a Grip and Taking Control

First, there are many other things I'd rather be posting about, as you already know (e.g. I have this post I really want to write linking to some of the favorite recent blog posts I've read and commenting them), but I have to continue writing about the dissertation as I pledged I would do. (and because as you'll see, my idle days are over)

Just for you to have an idea how hard this is, I started this post on January 9th, but only got back to it on 2/7 and I'm finally finishing today. And just because it wouldn't make much sense to post it after today!! So, it's now or never! (I've managed to read blogs and do other stuff since I started working on this hours ago so you see how much I don't want to write about this).

~ ~ ~ ~

I really wanted, for the past several months, to "get a grip" on the dissertation work. To take control of my own life in this respect (and others too). You see, I haven't really been doing too well on that respect. Let me tell you a little more about it. I'll be mostly writing about mothering, but you'll see where I'm trying to get to once I finish, so hang on.

The Five Month "Rule"
While visiting Brazil in 2005, my brother's mother-in-law (who lives only four houses down from my parents' house) asked me, "How do you manage by yourself with two children ?"

You see, in Brazil most everyone from the lower middle class up has domestic help, as I posted here a long time ago (an interesting post, if I may say so myself, about the fact that in Brazil there are no "mommy wars" because of this fact). One of my best girl friends is married to my brother's brother-in-law and has two children the same age as mine.* She has a cleaning/cooking lady (who works every weekday) and a nanny. (My friend does work part time from her mother's home, though, I should make that clear). It's no surprise then that her MIL was asking me how I managed. I answered something about my husband helping (which is actually very relevant, but that's not the topic of this post) or something else I can't remember right now.

When I came back home I came up with a response, though. Well, I do manage fine, but only for five months or so at a time! :) Let me explain. My parents were here (for six months) before and after my youngest son was born in 2004. They went back to Brazil when he was three months old and 5 months later I went with the boys to Brazil , where I spent almost 2 months (I blogged about this a bit in Feb. and March 05). I came back home, and five months later my parents were back. They were here for almost a year (with two months in Brazil during that period, but I was there then too) so I could work on my dissertation. It's been 6 months (5 in January when I started the post) since they left, but they just returned today. So how does this tie in with the post's topic?

(Not) Working on the Dissertation
I want to make it clear that I can't thank my parents enough for what they have done and have been doing for me (and for us, actually) and I will basically "owe" them my Ph.D. when I finish. I have a lingering fear, though, that this wonderful help is making it harder for me to get a grip on my life, doing things by myself, no matter how hard.

OK, first of all, I do realize that it is really hard to work on a dissertation while I care full time for my two young boys with no childcare or pre-school to help. But I know for how much time I have been spending online when I could be working on the dissertation. Again, I know that reading blogs, or writing blog posts doesn't require the concentration that one needs to finish writing chapters of the dissertation, so it's easier to do with children around.

Another thing: when they're here I'm literally forced to work, because they're spending quite a bit of money to be here and they keep asking me how much progress, I'm doing, etc. That gives me the pressure that I need to produce. One of the hardest things about writing a dissertation and finishing a Ph.D. is that we don't have any deadlines and we don't have the pressure to finish at the end of a given semester in the way that coursework does (Sarah just wrote about this last week). I'm the kind of person who needs the pressure of deadlines and my parents' presence here helps with that.


This has actually become a kind of pointless post... When I started it in January, I was trying to berate myself for not working and trying to get motivated to take control of my life. I was never able to do it, though, I just kept going, busy with the children, the house, our daily life, etc... I know I have to finish this, so even though it may seem that I don't have a grip, I kind of do, whatever.

All right, so next, I have the outline of a post in which I list all the things that are problematic for me in the process of finishing the dissertation. It should be interesting to write about those in more detail. I think about these problems (both external and "internal" -- personality wise) all the time, but I guess writing here will help me look for strategies to overcome them. I'll try to squeeze in a fun post or two while I can. As I begin to work in earnest, though I'll try to keep blogging strictly as a reward for working. We'll see how it goes. Please think of me and pray (if you do), I need all the help I can get.

Sorry for the terribly scattered post, I need to publish it now, like this, or else I'll never do it.

*These are the same friends who visited us at the end of January.

Academic Scare

This was not the right day for a sudden high dose of stress, but I guess bad news never comes at convenient times.

The second floor of our house is a complete chaos right now. OK, it's not that bad because I have already put away most books, but it's pretty messy. My parents arrive tomorrow from Brazil and we're moving the boys to the tiny room that used to be our study. However, we decided to paint that little room (a very pale and pretty shade of blue -- I'll post photos later) before moving, so we had to empty it fully. We went to bed at 2 a.m. last night after moving the computer desk and one of the bookshelves to our bedroom and we got up at 7 with the boys and resumed the moving. All the furniture is moved, that is, except for the boy's beds which are piled into our bedroom awaiting the room to be painted.

So... lo and behold, I open the mail and find a letter from the graduate registrar saying that since I'd failed to register for the Spring semester, my status as a student had been TERMINATED!! "What??" I thought, "I registered in December!" Well, at least I thought I did, but most certainly didn't. Termination simply can't happen, both because this is my very last semester and that I need to be registered in order to maintain my visa status.

Well, don't worry... (like I uselessly did). I have already called the chair of my program and he's hand delivering a memo authorizing the graduate school to reinstate me this afternoon. I already called the graduate school and they have my credit card information, which will be used as soon as they get the said memo.

Problem's solved, then. It just cost me a huge dose of adrenaline and 75 dollars more than my "program fee" [continuous enrollment fee] (insert big heaving sigh here)...

A Day Out in D.C.

We had a good day today. It just wasn't perfect because it was President's day and lots of other people (and children) were out and about in Washington D.C. This sounds a bit selfish, I know, but it's one of the few advantages of being a SAHM* -- we get to enjoy museums and parks in their off peak days and hours, but that wasn't the case today.

Oh, yes, in case you're wondering, the wedding last night was nice, in spite of the weather that suddenly dumped an inch or more of snow right on us (I say that becase the snow was worse where the wedding was, here where my BIL lives there was hardly any)... Driving back to BIL's home was a bit stressful, since there were several accidents on the Beltway. But, back to our day. The boys throughly enjoyed our rides in the metro:
We first went to the National Mall and did quick stops at the Natural History museum (beautiful orchids there!) and National Gallery of Art. I was able to quickly see my beloved French Impressionists, that I hadn't seen live in over 8 years. The boys had fun recognizing the four Monet and Renoir prints that we have on our living room walls (I purchased them back in 1993 when I spent two weeks at my uncle's house getting to know D.C. -- that's why I love this city and its museums so much, it was "my first American city").
Then we went to the Air and Space Museum to have lunch (I forgot to mention that we visited the one close to the airport on Saturday after we dropped of my husband at the airport) and we took the metro again to the National Zoo. There we finally got to meet the baby panda:
The boys fell asleep on the way home (5:40 pm), the youngest in the metro, and the oldest in the car. The little one is still sleeping, but the older woke up and asked me to cook him some pasta, which I did, and now he's eating it. We need to go to bed right now, because tomorrow morning, really early, we have to drive to the airport... So I'll talk to you later!

* "Stay at Home Mom" for those not familiar with this pathetic acronym. I don't even know why I use this expression (I don't like it)... but I chose to do so today.

Shopping and Minor Misfortunes

(This was supposed to be last Thursday's post, but I didn't get to write it then. I'll go back to dissertation posts soon enough, but I don't want to get depressed today. I'm in the D.C. area and I'm going to a wedding with the boys this evening -- I'll let you know how it goes [Keiko - Claytinho's wedding]. I'm by myself with the boys in my brother-in-law's house. BIL is in Brazil with his family, as is my husband, who flew last night, and will be back on Tuesday)

My blogging friend Emily has recently found a good way to indulge in some "retail therapy:" No Cash Virtual Shopping. Well, Em, I'm doing the next best thing (or perhaps, an even better way to do it) -- I've been doing real shopping, not for me, though, for my friend in Brazil!!

This friend has two children slightly older than mine, a son (5 months older than Kelvin) and a daughter (8 months older than Linton), and two years ago she asked me to buy some clothes (mostly turtlenecks and sweatpants) for them and this has become a regular practice now, in every season clearance. "American" clothes (not really manufactured here, though, of course) are better and much cheaper than any clothes that she can buy for her children in Brazil, particularly if purchased at end of season clearances. Last Fall I bought a whole "wardrobe" of summer clothes for them, and now I bought lots winter clothes.

I have a lot of fun doing that, except when I have to drag the boys along in my shopping excursions. This year all it took was 4 shopping trips (two to Kohls and two to the "evil store" [WM] that I feel slightly bad for shopping at, in my desire of becoming "crunchier," but it's an evil that I won't be able to avoid until we have a better budget) for me to buy 24 pieces of clothing for the boy and 31 for the girl. How much did I spend? A little over 200 dollars. I did my first trips to each store by myself, but last Thursday I had to get a few more items from my friend's list before my husband traveled this weekend, so I had to take both boys to the store. The trip to WM was easy because they were going to get some Bob the Bui*lder characters (a set like this, with only the three bottom characters) , but we had some trouble in the rest of the afternoon.

We had some "minor misfortunes" then, most of which involved my oldest boy. First, I stopped at Staples because I needed to do some copies. While I copied, the boys played with their new toys. When I was almost done, though, Kelvin hurt his finger in one of those swinging trash disposal doors. It certainly hurt a lot, because he cried like a little baby... the worse part of when children get hurt is that they ask us to stop the pain, to make it go away and we can't do that! I know it's just the beginning of many things that will go wrong for them in the future and that that I won't
be able to fix.

I had to get a present for today's wedding, so we stopped at Target. The boys complied just because they wanted to eat bread sticks, which we did prior to shopping. Then we headed to Kohls and it was there the the worst part of our troubles took place. I was foolish enough to let them take their new toys into the store. I thought they would be entertained, but I overlooked the fact that they might have trouble sharing them.

While I was looking at some clothes, Linton was asking Kelvin for one of the toys, but Kelvin gave him one he didn't want. Lately, when Kelvin doesn't want to share with Linton, he's just been throwing the toy at his brother. So this time, he put the character on the floor for Linton to take, and kept on running around. Of course Linton didn't want that one and ran after his brother. When Kelvin went back to the same spot less than a minute later (all this while, they were really close to me, just 2-3 clothes' racks away), the character was gone! He called me, and we looked for it everywhere (after Kelvin had ran away from me and I grabbed his coat hood, whose zipper promptly gave away).

All the while, there was this elderly Hispanic lady, who was standing with her shopping cart right in front of the place where he had left the toy, looking at us and beholding our despair and frantic search. When we didn't find it, we gave up for a minute or two so we could cool off, and the lady went away with her daughter. I then thought, well, I have to ask that lady if she saw anything (I can't really communicate well in Spanish, even though I generally understand it, like most speakers of Portuguese do -- they don't understand us, though -- so I didn't try to talk to her when I was so frantic), so we walked around the whole store looking for them and caught up with them at the exit. The daughter (who had a bag over her shoulder with Ecuador woven into the strap -- Alice :) translated my question and the lady mumbled something I couldn't understand and which the daughter translated as "it's among the clothes." We went back and looked everywhere and of course couldn't find it. We were very baffled... and the good thing is that the boys were very good after that and I was able to spend a few more minutes shopping.

Then, after paying for our purchases, I tried to fix my son's jacket's hood, before putting the jacket on him. It has one of those hoods that's zippered onto the jacket, and the zipper had "opened up" the wrong way when I'd pulled it when my son was running from me. While I was trying to get it to open, I yanked at it too strongly and the part that keeps it from falling off broke -- it just flew out with the little moving part (I don't know the names of these things)! I was so upset for ruining the jacket that we left right away and I forgot to put the jacket on my poor boy, when it was freezing cold and windy outside!!

Well, Kelvin (and I) learned several lessons that evening: first, he has to be careful with swinging trash doors; then, he must share toys with his brother and give him the toy that he wants in his hand, not toss it on the ground (particularly not in a public place); and finally, he must not run away from me (that, I know, I must enforce in a consistent manner so it does become a lesson).

Phew... we were pretty frazzled and sad about the lost toy and broken hood zipper when we got home. We weren't more devastated because I had just bought the same lost character the night before (not in a set), so the boys still have it, just not the one from the set (it was a Christmas/winter set, and the characters have "snow" painted on them -- I'm going to use them on top of the birthday cake, that way, if it's supposed to look like snow, I don't have to use food coloring on the frosting, good, huh?).

All right, I have to go... we still need to get a pretty bag for the wedding gifts.

Oh, and "Happy Chinese New Year" for you! Now, with my brother in China, I'm more aware of Chinese life and holidays. :)

So Close and Yet So Far Away

In a nutshell, that's how I feel about the dissertation and finishing my Ph.D.

I could write thousands of words on this subject, but I'll be brief, just because I want to finish this post. I still want to get to it into more detail here in the blog (I have drafts of posts already), but I guess it's a good start to think about it this way: how close I am and yet how infinitely far I feel from it.

I have drafts of all chapters and only one (of six) is relatively rough, all the others have over 35 pages or more. I have written hundreds of pages -- I can give you the complete numbers in another post if you're interested. I finished the analysis of the data last July and have dozens of graphs and charts ready. I know what remains to be done and how it can be done, but I just feel paralyzed. There are many many reasons for that, first and foremost, the fact that I care for my two boys full time, but still I know that I could have done something about it but haven't. I have just used my spare time to read blogs and blog. See? That's what I'm doing right now.

Of course blogging has become really important in my life, but maybe it's just too important and not really helpful at this point. And there are many other things. I started a blog post in my mind (I do that all day long, of course) in which I list all the reasons why I haven't been working and categorize them. I will try to do that...

So, here you go, the beginning of the dissertation conversations. I'm just so blocked that I can't even write this word without cringing and feeling an urge to cry. But more on that later.

Snowed/Iced In

I don't know how much I'll be able to write before my sons come to interrupt me, since they're watching a PBS program right now. [This was at 5 p.m. I got to write this and the next two paragraphs and upload three photos, but only got to finish this after the boys had gone to bed with daddy.]

It's been a looong day stuck at home with them. Not that most of my days are very different, it's just that I generally have the option of getting the boys in the car and driving somewhere, but not today. We did have fun, yesterday and today, playing outside, but I didn't finish cleaning my iced car (almost 3 inches of ice and snow on windshield) until a few minutes ago, and then gave up going out because the winds are too strong and my street is still full of snow.

But I wanted to share some photos with you, of course. Ice storms are only really beautiful if the sun comes out and everything becomes a beautiful sparkly [Google's spell check doesn't recognize this word, but I'll keep it :)] "winter wonderland" and it did get sunny today, so I was out frantically taking photos. Unfortunately, most of the trees around our home (we have none on our property) are really tall and those with low branches are across a lawn in my neighbor's property across the street, so I didn't get the close-ups that I wanted, but still, some good shots, I think, thanks to the powerful zoom in my camera.These next two were actually taken with the macro function (and not the zoom), since I was really close to this small tree in front of my neighbor's house.I let our cat (Blues) out, and it was fun to see him walking on the snow/ ice
OK, Lauren, I hear you, so I'm going to start working immediately on a series of angsty dissertation posts, although I'm not looking forward to it :(

Coming and Going

I was away from the blog in the last few days because last Thursday my husband decided that it would be a good idea to visit his parents this past weekend. So we left for Massachusetts on Saturday afternoon and returned last night at midnight. We love to do impromptu things like that, and, needless to say, we're really used to road trips, so a 5 hour drive is almost "nothing" to us. I don't think we'll be doing that again, but years ago we drove for 14-16 hours three times to go from Massachusetts to Michigan to visit my brother- and sister-in-law, twice on Thanksgiving weekend. Good thing they live in Maryland now!

Anyway... some things that have been happening here lately and that I want to blog about:

- Last Friday, for the first time since we bought our first computer in 1998, we had water spill on the keyboard (my oldest son was playing nearby and had just brought some water to me), and it's not working anymore, so I only have the laptop until we can get a new keyboard. I was very happy that this happened because it's the same keyboard from 1998 -- we never replaced it, even though the CPR and the monitor are gone now (more about the monitor at another post). It still worked OK, but the little "feet" that prop it up would often slip and it would lie flat on the desk, which annoyed me.

- My husband is traveling to Brazil again for two days.

- My parents renewed their U.S. visa yesterday and if their passports get back until Saturday, they're getting here a week from today. They're coming for my "final push" to get the Ph.D. More on that on subsequent posts.

- We've had some new ideas regarding options for my husband's future job and career and we're getting happier with the options that we may have.

- My almost 5 year old son is getting interested in writing, so I want to scan some of his writing for you to see.

Oh, and for those of you who have been concerned with his bad dreams, he's had very good nights lately and this morning he told us that he dreamed for the first time with his latest obsession: Bob the Builder. If it makes him happy -- good thing! I have to remember to tell you later a dream related anecdote about him. Remind me, OK?

- I have to tell you more about our visit to some of our "old haunts" in Massachusetts yesterday.

I guess that's it... I have to cook something for dinner, so I have to go.

Oh, yes, it's finally snowing and it's so pretty out there. The boys played outside in the snow for a while this afternoon. Too bad it's going to turn into freezing rain...

(Sad) Things They Say

All right, I haven't yet mustered the courage to write about the dissertation today, so I offer something that I have been meaning to do for the longest time, some things my sons have been saying. The reason why I haven't really posted these more often is that they have to be translated from Portuguese into English which consequently causes some losses of meaning and humor. The few (so far five) times I posted these can be found under the label "Kids Say the Darndest Things (in Translation)" in my sidebar.

Expressing Feelings
My youngest, who is 2 years and 8 months old, has recently started to express his negative feelings in a very open manner. One of the words he's been using most often in his vocabulary lately is triste (sad). He wants all of us to know that he is sad that something happened. Even more often, he announces to all of us that he'll be really sad if something is done in a particular way. He also looks at what just happened and realizes the effect his "sadness" has on us.

Some example from the last few days:
"If daddy leaves I'm going to be really really sad!"
"I don't like when Kelvin doesn't share with me. I was very very very sad. And he gave that toy to me." (this had happened an hour earlier and he was reflecting on what had taken place)

Fears and Nightmares
My oldest son (who is going to be 5 in March) has started wake up at night very afraid. He says he has nightmares and worries about wolves and forests. It's been very tough on my husband, who is generally the one who gets up to sleep with him in the futon in the boy's bedroom. Tonight I was talking to him before he went to sleep and he said:
"Do you know what? I wish that the night was less long, I wish it was shorter."
"Why?" I asked.
"Because I'm tired of having bad dreams."
"And what do you do when you have them?"
"I wake up with a sad face."
"And what do you do?"
"Should I pray? I don't pray."
"Well, maybe you should, so you wouldn't be afraid."
"But it's not God who brings these dreams, it's my head."
I didn't know what to say, he was perfectly right, so I just said:
"It's not easy to be a person, isn't it?"
He was quiet for a bit and then replied:
"You know what? I didn't want to be a person."
"What would you want to be, then? An animal? What? What do you mean?"
"I wanted not to exist."

Wow... isn't it a bit early to express such feelings? Or is he just so afraid of his nightmares that he just doesn't want to have to live through them. I wish we could do something to help, but I guess all we can do is talk to him about it and continue letting him sleep with us as needed.

I told him I'd be right back and came to the computer to type up this conversation. He came after me and we talked some more about this. I know that these "profound" things they say may not mean the same to them that they mean to us, but still, I'm surprised at how philosophical some of our conversations get. And this has been happening since he was three years old. He asks such inquisitive questions! I just wish I wrote down more of our exchanges.