Happy, but Overwhelmingly Worried

I haven't been blogging lately because I just don't know exactly how to articulate my feelings. We're happy with K's interviews (more so with the first one, this upcoming Thursday) and at times we're even giving ourselves the dangerous permission to dream, but still with very mixed emotions. We don't want to be disappointed and heartbroken. Again.

Last Friday evening, as I ran to the store to get some hot chocolate ingredients so we'd be ready for the snowstorm, I returned home to find K, just arrived from work, at the desktop (that is very unusual). I saw him from the window, but he got up immediately to go talk to the boys. Later I found out that he was indulging in the ultimate "forbidden" (= too-hopeful) behavior: checking real estate listings for the Virginia area where the school is. (sigh)

The thing is, we've been having renewed "regret attacks" since last Sunday, when the good news arrived, but also a day in when K spent a lot of time thinking about why he would have liked to continue working an industry job (yes, the one he quit), since he was sending out an application that day (the position has since been removed from the site, so we think nothing will come from it). I haven't yet had the heart to finish a post I started writing last April. At this point it will probably be very repetitive and almost irrelevant, but I still want to go back to it. So I guess I won't say more about regrets here. [I ended up doing it a few paragraphs down].

I started writing today because I just had to check a few disagreeable websites: our bank's, our credit card's and another bank account in Brazil. (Remember that I hate money?) The truth of the matter is that financially, our lives have become a disaster and I feel very upset about it. I guess we're better off than most people, but still, having credit card debt, seeing money disappearing from whatever little equity we had in the house,* and, most importantly, realizing that K does not make quite enough money for us to live on, is just unsettling and downright depressing. I feel that the trip to Brazil was just an "escape" and by being there (which cost us quite a bit) we were just "pretending" that things were fine when they're not.

It's the fine line between "living" and just despairing full time. We'd been choosing to bury our heads in the sand, ostrich style, if you will, and "living" for a bit. Trusting against better judgment, that things will end up all right in the end.

I'm tired of living like that. I wish, day after day after day, that the traumatizing big pharma job had never happen (that we hadn't bought this house, etc, etc, etc). And we wish, even as we try not to, that K hadn't done the unthinkable, walked willingly away from a nearly six-figure paycheck. It's all nice and beautiful to pursue an ideal, an ambition, or a higher dream, but there are always the bills to pay at the end of the month. (It's my old trauma, the book about "the beans and the dream," I guess K and I do have a lot in common in life after all).

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It doesn't make any sense to do this (I'm in tears now after writing the previous paragraph), but I just wanted to go back to the "happy" there in the title because it wasn't meant to refer only to the job interviews. I wanted to register here that we're happy with our peaceful domestic routine right now. Although it's still being very hard to "do school" with the boys, things are going very smoothly and enjoyably here. I've been cleaning the house more and even enjoying it, we're eating healthily, K comes home and is not stressed out about having to teach the next day or having to grade. Things have fallen into a smooth "groove" and I like it a lot. It's a simple, but happy life. It was very stressful last semester, with K teaching ("adjuncting"), but that means around 700 less a month, a big difference that we've already felt. He is less stressed out, though.**

OK, I'm not doing a good job of conveying the "happy" because I'm not really happy as I type this. So I guess it's the time to stop and, maybe try to finish that other unhappy post. I wanted it to be a "masterpiece" of regret and despair, but I don't think I'll succeed.

And, right now, the fact that I don't work and don't contribute in a financial way to our lives is really bringing me down. I know, I know... I'm caring for the boys, they're flourishing and learning so much and above all they LOVE to be home with me. But we need to pay the bills!!! We're tired of living in a cold house!

OK, I hate this post and shouldn't even publish it, but I will. I can't even write well. There are so few things that I can do well... I'm just not doing OK lately. How long do we have to keep going on like this? I guess I should go bury my head in the sand (or snow, that's what's available) again. Pretend that everything is fine. And hope, against all hope, that there is a job offer and that in a few months we're out of this nightmare for good.

* That is happening because we're not even paying the interest in full right now and the bank never gets the renegotiation/ refinancing finalized -- I was NOT aware, actually that this was going to happen when we were "rescued," I had no idea we'd lose equity and I'm just so sad about it. What's the use then, of keeping the house? ('cause nobody bought it, remember? 'cause we're paying the same as a rental right now... we should be thankful, ha ha, great).

** Too bad that he also has a negative, ironic view of this. The main reason he decided not to teach was so that he could concentrate on the "many interviews" that he hoped to have. Now that there are only two, it feels as if he'd made the wrong decision. Especially considering that he would have all the classes and most materials prepared already. Why even go there? Why regret such a small thing and not just enjoy him with us calmer and more whole? That's what I said to him when we were having a conversation, but when I look in the the checking account, I almost change my mind.