Thursday, March 12, 2009

The (Terribly) Spoiled Mother & Conflicted Housewife

Intro
This long post has two parts, OK? I was going to write 2 separate ones, but it's easier to just go ahead and discuss it all at once.

The Spoiled Mother/Person
First, that's what I mean by "spoiled" in my case: having been able to be home with my boys for the past seven years, i.e. since they were born.

During Kelvin's first two years of life I was a graduate student instructor (and actually a Teaching Assistant [TA] again for my last semester, during Linton's pregnancy) and it was easy for me and K to care for him. Then we moved to the Philly area and I could not teach anymore (because of the student visa), so I just stayed home with them. Then my parents came and I worked on the dissertation at home on and off for the next 3 years. Last year I started "working," but my "work" at the school allows me to be with them again -- which has spoiled me even more.

I wonder if I can ever get "cured" from this spoiling because I need a quick fix right now. The problem is, every time I think about going to work and being faced with having to be away from the boys and leaving them somewhere I get upset, sad, teary. Frankly, however, I'm not so sure that the real cause of the problem is my "spoiled mother" feelings. These feelings are real and shouldn't be discounted, but they're not all that there is to it.

I'll cut to the chase now. I think my problem, at its core, is not really related to motherhood, I'm just using the kids as an excuse (and a valid one at that) not to get ahead and try to find work. Because I have never experienced any work that was not flexible and allowed me to travel to Brazil or abroad for over a month each year and to other places (shorter trips) whenever I wanted, I just cannot face being "imprisoned" by work that won't allow me the flexibility and the freedom to take time off and travel to be with my family. I've been actually spoiled by working part time through school in Brazil, then coming to the U.S. and being a graduate student for 11 years and just doing flexible work. Add to that the years as a part time housewife who loved to take the kids to the park, the museum, the stores, etc. Maybe all that has made me a MISFIT.

Besides, and I'll use the derogatory word here because it IS the truth and I have to face it: I've always been a lazy person. Yeah. So, there you go. And I'm pretty sure I'm definitely not a go-getter (I've had a quick discussion about this with Dawn in her comment section and through email). All work that I've always had -- with the exception of my two years as a cleaning lady (yeah, I, the messy one, was a cleaning lady) -- just "came" to me. My years as a teacher in Brazil and then TA and instructor here came as a consequence of my connections to the schools in question. So I have a hard time "going and getting" work.

In addition, I have that terrible problem with having to talk to strangers and put myself "out there" by sending CVs and resumés. In sum, I haven't been proactive and to make matters still worse, the only "work" I've tried (the online gig) I hated and didn't get approved to do anyway.

Yeah, I'm such a loser that way. I mean, a loser with a useless PhD. Oh, and on a side note, our situation has finally been acknowledged by the mainstream media now. The NYT is saying that people with humanities PhDs are doomed, basically (of course I'm being more extreme in my language here) -- it's nothing new for us, obviously :-( (thanks for linking to it Articulate Dad!). [Geeky Mom also wrote a post about another NYT article which argues that the humanities need to prove their worth in difficult times such as these. I didn't even read the articles closely because I'm tired of my own situation already, I don't need to get more frustrated/worried/disillusioned than I already am. Sigh.]

Anyway, it seems like I've finally decided to "go all out" about my issues in the blog, belatedly fulfilling one of the "resolutions" I had last year. Now, on to the second part.

The Conflicted Housewife
Maybe it's because we finally made the decision to put the house up for sale and now I'm getting cold feet, but I'm getting extremely guilty and conflicted because, again, as I've said it here before, all that stands between us keeping the house and not having to sell it is me getting a job. And right now I'm not really considering that option. First, it would have to be a decent paying full time job, preferably with benefits. Second and most important, what would we do with the kids? Third, fourth, etc... I will be STUCK! How are we going to manage caring for this big house, preparing meals, shopping, laundry, etc. with the two of us working long hours?

I'm not a typically "good" housewife by any stretch of the imagination, but, funny as it seems (because I never thought I'd feel this way, really), all I want right now is to stay at home with my children. Even if that comes at the high cost of having to get rid of this house and downsizing dramatically. I then think that I'm just being lazy and that I don't really "deserve" to stay with my children and have the freedom of coming and going as I please. Go figure.

So that's where I stand right now. Conflicted and divided. I'll have another (shorter) post up soon. This one took me the whole day to write (11 am to 4:45 pm). And I did three loads of laundry, spent the whole day baby-sitting two of my friends's kids (boy 6, girl 4) + Linton, now that Kelvin's back there are four of them running around, so I have to go see what they're doing before they bring the house down. So, perhaps I'm not that bad of a housewife after all. ;-)

6 comments:

Dawn said...

Listen, I am not happy about having to shape my life around someone else's (I mean someone outside of my family) schedule so I hear you on this. I'm struggling with it right now and missing the kids/home something awful even though I'm here three days a week. Which is to say that I hear you around this. I'm just not ready to talk too much about it on-blog (thought I would this week but this stupid cold has flattened me and my brain isn't working right -- argh).

M said...

I have a few thoughts on this, Lilian, and frankly, I'm not sure any of it will be coherent. It seems everything I write lately is easily misinterpreted, but I don't need to make this all about me.

First, I think the idea that you're lazy is crap. You may well be scared about entering the work force after such a long absence, but I don't believe your lazy.

Second, I wonder if it would help to reframe the situation a bit. Kelvin is now 7, and if I'm remembering correctly, Linton is 5 (or almost 5, right). In another year, both boys will be in school, which means you could find a job in which you work when they are in school and still be home by the time school is out. I know lots of women who do this. Granted, these sorts of jobs may not be as fulfilling as a t-t job in Comp lit, but such a job would enable you help support your family financially and be with your boys.
If you and K can hold out that long, it might make the most sense to do so.

As for the freedom to come and go as you please, I don't know what to say about that. I understand the desire, but even if you and K were able to find t-t jobs at the same university (which I firmly believe will be difficult but is NOT impossible), this freedom would be limited to the summers.

Oh, and if you and K were both to have full-time jobs, you would get everything done. It gets done. It just does.

Here's my big finish: you have to keep talking about this, whether here or elsewhere. All of your feelings are valid and deserve to be considered thoughtfully. Don't dismiss them as trivial or unimportant b/c they aren't either.

t1 Diabetes said...

I completely understand the feelings... I can't bear the though of leaving Sara with anyone else, I'm very close to her.

I agree that you should keep talking about this. It's good to sort your own thoughts about it... I'm way tired, so I'm also probably not making a lot of sense... but just wanted to leave you a hug.

Unknown said...

I completely sympathize. I quit my job in part because I needed more flexibility to be with my family. My kids are both in school, so there's time in the day for many things. Right now, I'm teaching part-time, but that will go away after this semester. I'm hoping to get my own business off the ground in the coming months. I have no idea if that will be profitable. If it doesn't work out, it's possible I may have to go back to work full time. I'm hoping to avoid that, but it's definitely possible.

And you are not lazy! This is a struggle I have with myself all the time. Because I don't clean up all the time, because I don't have a full time job, I think I'm not doing enough. My husband reminds me that I'm doing plenty, but it's hard. I'm surrounded by people who seem to work all. the. time. So when I don't, I feel guilty. Honestly, I think it will take a few years to get over that.

I wish you the best of luck. I know these times are hard and these decisions are hard to make.

Jennifer said...

I'm going to write a longer comment later, but let me delurk for now to say that your post echos my thoughts, my feelings so exactly -- except that I currently have a tenure track job that I HATE and am feeling so trapped. I want to leave it, but am afraid because of the economy. I can't stand being away from my kids and working all evenings and weekends (not to mention the time in class and service stuff -- its a 4-4 load). I don't even like my field, or college students. I do feel lazy, like I didn't figure out what I really wanted to do, I just stuck with grad school. I hope you realize you are NOT lazy, it is hard work and takes courage to do what you are doing. It is all I want to do now!!!!

Renata said...

Lilian,

Thanks for being so open. I have trouble writing down my difficulties (well, practically writing anything). I am at a similar point in my life and the only thing I can cling on to now is John 6:68 But Simon Peter answered Him, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life."
Peace be with you.