I defend the dissertation in five days, and yet, I haven't finished writing my conclusion and given it to my committee.
I haven't yet revised all chapters according to the feedback I received in the past couple of weeks from my most demanding and, in the end, extremely helpful reader (and in the past couple of days, including today -- from advisor), and I probably won't have a nice, collated PDF file of the complete dissertation for the committee before the defense. Well, maybe only on THE DAY before...
And yet, I have the nerve not to be feverishly working. And, on top of that to feel absolutely calm and confident.
How can that be? Why can't I even feel guilty about not working? Why don't I feel like working at all, in fact?
You know... I guess there's an answer to those questions. Perhaps I'm not really cut out for this because these may be signs that I'm not taking this seriously...
Oh well, who am I kidding? If you saw my dissertation and if you'd worked as hard as I have to write it in the past three years you'd be laughing at me for saying I'm not taking this seriously.
What I mean is this, though: I refuse to let scholarly concerns take over my life. I enjoyed spending time with my guests and simply "living" after being consumed by the dissertation for a few days. I decided to travel with my family to Nashville in spite of the fact that I was not done as I said I'd be. I value life much more than this degree. And from what I perceive, observing from the sidelines, basically only from reading blogs because I'm not on campus anymore, is that one cannot have that mindset if one wants (1) be offered and accept a tenure track job and (2) get tenured. So, I shouldn't even bother, I suppose.
Why can't there be a middle ground, though? I'm passionate enough about my research, I think it is quite relevant, why is it that my whole life has to be devoted to it? Besides, I won't even get into the reasons why I WON'T EVER even be offered a tenure track job -- the fact that I don't fit in with what's fashionable and what departments are/will be looking for. I have perfect conviction of that, in spite of my "great qualities" and those of my work.
I'm not really upset by that, though, only indignant. That people like my friend Articulate Dad didn't get a single offer, not even a single interview (for a TT job) after over one hundred and fifty job applications is OUTRAGEOUS!! I mean... I don't even want to belong to a system like that. That's why I keep thinking I should go back to Brazil even if it meant I'd have to put up with violence and being afraid and having to live in a crowded, polluted city. But no, I don't want that. And this is my quandary right now, had been for a while.
Well, rant over. Enjoy the weekend. All three of you who are reading this post. ;-)
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7 comments:
I applaud your convictions - even in the early stage of grad school, I am attempting to strike this same balance. Keep up the good work, both in life and career...
Lilian--maybe you are calm and confident because you can feel that you are almost done and you know your work is good!
Hi Lilian, the rest of life is definitely more important than a tenture track job. I realize that for academics, it's considered the pinnacle, but you can find interesting, rewarding work outside of the TT. Anyway, even if you get a TT job, the early years are just a horrible, horrible grind, especially in the humanities, so I don't know why so many people want those jobs.
Have a great weekend!
What a shame that you have to choose between the kind of (non-work) life you want for you and your family, and the chance to work in your field. I can't imagine what it must be like to be in that position after working so long and hard for your degree. But in a sense I have had to change my career plans based on where I have chosen to live. I know it's not the same as getting a PhD, but still, I think it's pretty common. I just hope you can find something meaningful and worthwhile to do, even if it's not what you originally planned (in the US or in Brazil if you ultimately decide to go back there.)
I get it, Lilian! It's almost over and it IS a crazy system. Let me know what time you're defending so I can be thinking about you. :) I know you'll be great.
Only four more days!
You just get through this gate. One thing at a time, my friend. It's wonderful that you're able to relax with confidence.
Yes, you've done work for years on this. It's not about the ritual, it's not about the conclusion, or tying up all the loose ends, or meeting all the deadlines exactly as you (or anyone) expected.
The ritual is about what you've already done. So enjoy just walking through those doors, saying your peace, hearing them, responding, then walking out, PhD. Done.
Life awaits. Whatever it brings, whatever you seize from it. The journey is yours. Enjoy it.
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