Friday, February 16, 2007

So Close and Yet So Far Away

In a nutshell, that's how I feel about the dissertation and finishing my Ph.D.

I could write thousands of words on this subject, but I'll be brief, just because I want to finish this post. I still want to get to it into more detail here in the blog (I have drafts of posts already), but I guess it's a good start to think about it this way: how close I am and yet how infinitely far I feel from it.

I have drafts of all chapters and only one (of six) is relatively rough, all the others have over 35 pages or more. I have written hundreds of pages -- I can give you the complete numbers in another post if you're interested. I finished the analysis of the data last July and have dozens of graphs and charts ready. I know what remains to be done and how it can be done, but I just feel paralyzed. There are many many reasons for that, first and foremost, the fact that I care for my two boys full time, but still I know that I could have done something about it but haven't. I have just used my spare time to read blogs and blog. See? That's what I'm doing right now.

Of course blogging has become really important in my life, but maybe it's just too important and not really helpful at this point. And there are many other things. I started a blog post in my mind (I do that all day long, of course) in which I list all the reasons why I haven't been working and categorize them. I will try to do that...

So, here you go, the beginning of the dissertation conversations. I'm just so blocked that I can't even write this word without cringing and feeling an urge to cry. But more on that later.

4 comments:

Aliki2006 said...

Oh Lilian, I'm so sorry you feel so frustrated. I to and so close and yet so far...I feel physically ill when I think about The Project; thinking about chucking it all doesn't make me feel too much better, though. It's as if I'm caught in a terrible limbo...sigh.

I hope blogging about it proves helpful to you--like unclogging a dam, perhaps! You seem to be in a healthier position--I can't even blog about it!

cloudscome said...

You can do it. Just keep plugging away at it. Give yourself little rewards for every chunk you finish (or work hard at for hours...)

I started a personal blog to write about parenting stuff outside of the library at http://sandycovetrail.blogspot.com. Come on by!

Keiko said...

Lilian!!!

Please find a solution and then let me know!! I'm feeling everyday just, exactly like that!!!
E agora, quem poderá nos defender???
Mesmo assim...boa semana pra você!
bjinho,
Keiko

Alice in Austria said...

It sounds like you're getting very close indeed!! Even if you do just a little every day, like writing a paragraph or so - it's a big step forward. I agree with cloudsome, rewards are a great way to motivate oneself (at least they work with me) ;)

Good Luck and keep at it! You CAN do it!!! :)