Central Park on a Saturday Afternoon

Cloudscome's post about her lovely day with her sons last Saturday motivated me to write about our day as well. We went to New York City for the day (we had a church meeting there) and since we were only three blocks from the Central Park, we decided to take a stroll there in the afternoon. The boys played in a playground for a little while and then I looked in the map and saw that we were close to the Conservatory Water (where people can rent remote controlled sail or motor boats to play in the water) and I remembered that it was there that they had the Alice in Wonderland and Hans Christian Andersen sculptures and I really wanted to see them again. Although we've been to New York many times since 1996, I had only seen these sculptures once, back in 96, I think, after we visited the Metropolitan Museum of Art (oh, I have to go back there again, and to the newly renovated MoMa!). Kelvin knows quite a bit about Alice in Wonderland because I have been telling him some of the episodes of the book as bedtime stories for years now and I knew he was going to be delighted by the sculpture, and he was. I took many photos, as usual, and my favorite one was of him and the Cheshire Cat:
This sculpture is, for some reason, way more fun to kids than a playground. They climb all over it and there was even a little girl who didn't want to let anyone else sit in Alice's lap. Kelvin was very nice with her and let her stay there and her mother thanked me profusely and kept saying what a nice little boy he was. (I told her that this wasn't the case all the time, but she was still thankful that he was being kind to her daughter). Linton enjoyed it too, but since he couldn't really climb it, he soon tired of it and went to see the boats with dadddy while Kelvin stayed and climbed up, down, and around for over ten minutes. Here are only two of many photos I took of him while he played:















Before leaving, we went around the water to get to the Hans Christian Andersen sculpture. This one didn't have any children climbing all over it, so it was easier to photograph. On the way there I reminded my son about the story of the Ugly Duckling since it's portrayed in the sculpture too.
P.S. I have started to write a series of posts about parenting difficulties. I'm going to try to post them even if they're not as "deep" as I wish they could be, or else I'll never finish writing them.

A Tale of Two Meetings (& Finally a Dissertation Update - #8)

First, I want to thank everyone for your support after last post, it means a lot to me. Blogging has kept me afloat these past two years in a way that you can't really imagine (or maybe you can if you're also a blogger).

A few posts ago I gave away the results of my recent meetings, but I wanted to go back and compare how I felt this October to how I felt after the meeting in May so you can understand how much this new perspective means to me and my drive to finish the dissertation.

1st Scenario:
Although the meeting itself went fairly well, I felt quite negatively about it, as I have briefly stated before here. I had sent drafts of the first two chapters to my advisor, with whom I had already gone through 5 drafts of chapter one and 3 drafts of chapter two, and a committee member. The advisor didn't read the new drafts (I concede there weren't that many changes, but I think he should have read them) and the committee member had many negative comments to make about the material. She said that she was expecting these to be later, more polished drafts and that these were still very repetitive and needed lots of cuts and edits. She had issues with the introduction -- which, you know, was the first thing I wrote, very tentatively, since the research had not been done yet, I knew I'd have to rewrite it, but then at that meeting I felt sorry for ever attempting to write an introduction when the work was not finished yet. Her comments made me realize anew and very strongly that the feedback I'd been getting from my advisor was not "deep" enough, since for him, chapter one looked pretty good (I wrote about this on item 1 of my last dissertation update post, last July).

I never attempted to process what I felt them and try to express it until many months later. Last month (on September 17), I started thinking about it and jotted down some impressions. Even writing these down made me feel devastated all over again. I wrote this as a blog post, but I never finished editing/ polishing it, so it's pretty "raw:"

All right, prepare yourselves; I’m in “crisis mode” again.

I have been postponing for many months now dealing the feelings that enveloped me at the meeting I had with my advisor and one committee member on May 12, 2006. So, these are very delayed reactions [to the meeting.]

When a reader has lots of problems with the writing, [pointing out its] repetition, lack of objectivity and, most importantly, when a reader shows impatience with the work because it’s not well written or maybe "boring."

It’s a horrible feeling. No one is ever going to read this anyway. Perhaps a handful or two handfuls of people, maximum. If the people who are supposed to read it so they can help me write it are not interested in it, think it’s bad, the dissertation writer is left with an AWFUL feeling.

If these people, who are closest to me, who have been following this project since its inception many years ago think it’s a waste of their time to read all these 150+ pages -- what does that tell me about the value of this work? If they’re not interested on it, who else is going to be? How can I find strength to go on with these things in mind?

The advisor is extremely busy with 5 other students working on their MA thesis and Ph.D. dissertations right now, apart from a heavier than usual load of teaching.

The other committee member has been publishing exciting anthologies and is involved in her own work. She is also very bright and very opinionated…

I felt utterly defeated.

Writing a dissertation feels absolutely [I didn't finish the sentence]

I know half of my committee won’t really read the dissertation before the defense, they’re just too busy, they just do it because it’s their duty to be there, to show their support, but it’s all “pro forma” as we say it in Portuguese – just a formal requirement, it doesn’t mean they really care about this stuff. They have to sit on countless committees, read countless dissertations.

Academic work is not only thankless, it’s also useless!!!

2nd Scenario:

First of all, I met separately with my advisor and the committee member. Secondly, my advisor had read my latest drafts a few weeks earlier, I hadn't just sent new things to him. Third, the committee member hadn't seen any of my work since May and the purpose of our meeting was to show her the results of the research I did in July.

The advisor said he was greatly pleased with my work, that I just needed to write the conclusions to the last chapters, a final conclusion and go back and edit the introduction. He emphasized that for him I've already "passed" and that the research work I'm doing is far superior to many people in my field. Lots of them simply draw their conclusions based on generalizations, but I have done a detailed and extensive study, creating real data, real numbers, something almost no one in this field does. He finished saying that now all that was left was finding me a job. He knows that my husband is also in the market and he was able to fully understand my situation since he has followed his wife twice and everything worked out in the end (he only got tenure a few years ago, though).

When I showed the data and the graphs and charts to my committee member she was so excited that it sent a thrill down my spine. She was stunned by all the work I had done and said it was valuable work, not just as a contribution to the subject I'm dealing with, but which brought a brand new perspective that could enrich a literary analysis of the works in question. Then I started talking about a new idea that I had to contextualize my study, something I may be able to accomplish only because my mom is going to pay two college students in Brazil to collect data for me, and she was so enthusiastic about it, I almost couldn't believe it. I barely mentioned this to my advisor, since my dissertation already contains the work of two dissertations in it, and this third project could almost be a dissertation in and of itself, but she saw its value, she understood it fully (since she is, after all, the only committee member knowledgeable about Brazil). I felt absolutely energized, ready to go back to work on the research. (Feel free to email me if you want to know more details about my work, I just don't want to give out the details here in the blog).

I left with my self-confidence boosted to levels never before experienced, it was truly soaring as high as it could possibly go. I also felt/feel certain that I could/can go ahead and finish this, that it's completely worth it, that I am a good researcher. I called my mom that night and shared all this with her. She had had surgery only two days before and I knew that this would mean a lot to her since she was here and witnessed my despondency on the days following the May meeting.

I know it's not going to be easy to finish while caring for my boys full time, but I have all this confidence now, and I know all my blogging friends -- you -- are out there supporting me, so I know I can do it. The hard part will be trying to apply to a handful of jobs. My heart is not on it, but I know I must do it. The deadlines are coming up and I haven't yet finished revising my CV or started writing the letters... I don't feel motivated for that, although I should. My committe member said that it's going to be really hard to write the recommendation letters. She said that she's so enthusiastic about my work and my value as a scholar that it will be hard to make her readers believe her!

That's good to hear, isn't it?

Flowers

I have so many things to write about, but I'm kind of blocked right now. I guess the scare of almost losing the blog has actually affected me. It was very stressful, particularly because it happened on the day before a family trip. I was supposed to be revising the paper for my conference presentation and packing our bags and instead I just stayed online all day, frantically reading and posting on the blogger messageboards and trying to figure out what to do next.
So, I decided to post some flower photos, maybe they'll soothe me (or not -- you'll see why). I wanted to write a post about my morning glories (I planted them again this year),
but even that seemed too stressful, since I'd have to spend time choosing which photos to include, and explaining my frustration at the fact that I didn't anchor the vine right to my front porch, and half of it collapsed some weeks ago, so they didn't look so beautiful anymore.
Even these beautiful cosmos (first photo and photo above) that you see here have frustrated me, I didn't plan them right, I should have thinned them, but I didn't, and then they grew like maniacs or genetically modified plants on steroids, got really, really tall and I had to pull them all out from my front yard. I left the ones on the back, but they all "fell" horizontally on the grass, since I would have had to give them support so they'd grow vertical. They didn't care, and kept on blooming, though, which is good...

See, that's what I didn't want this post to be, a "complaining post." I wanted to follow Professor Me's example and post a list of things I'm not complaining about, but I feel so funky right now I just can't! I want to look at these beautiful photos an feel happy, but I just feel like crying. It's probably the hormones, combining with staying home all day with the boys. Day after day.

I took all of these photos last week. I love to photograph flowers. Some people don't think this is interesting at all. Our friend in Florida even joked, "Oh, yeah, my mom and my sister are like that. They take photos of flowers like there's no tomorrow!"

But that's the whole point about taking photos! Capturing the moment. There's no tomorrow, really. When am I going to see yesterday's morning glory flower (the pink one, when they're blue, they become pinkish while fading) sharing the stage with today's flower because the weather is just cool enough for it not to die?
One of the things I think I might be able to do if everything goes wrong, is becoming a photographer. I think I take good photos and, most importantly, I really enjoy taking photos. I have even photographed many friends' birthday parties, etc. to help them out and they were pretty happy with the results. Well, I feel better writing this. At least this post ended up having a point. I got to share my photos, talk about some of my frustrations, and share a possible dream for the future.

On Closing Doors and Opening up for Dreams

Two weeks ago Andi Buchanan (from Mother Shock) wrote a beautiful post in her blog, comemorating the anniversary of her last piano concert, 10 years ago.

I commented in her blog about this post:

Oh, Andi, you made me cry.

I love music dearly, even though I'm pretty bad at it. I took piano classes for 17 years, from 6 years old to 23.

Your essay struck a deep chord within me, though because I have no idea what'll happen in my future. I'm on the brink of finishing the Ph.D. after working on it for nearly 8 years. I just had a couple of meetings with my advisors and they think my research is brilliant. Both of them know, though, that I will have a hard time continuing this research if I can't find an academic job where I can apply for grants and "keep up my good work." The likelihood of getting such a job, though, are very slim, particularly because my husband is in the same position and the job that he gets maybe at a university/ college that has no room for me.

Well, sorry for making this such a long comment. I should go post in my blog instead and maybe I will... but your post gave me hope. I think I can do other things with my life if being an academic doesn't work out. You were very corageous to give up what you had worked so hard for, but you had a dream to follow. I don't know what my dream would be. I know I want to write too, but I don't know where to start. I feel hopeful, though. Closing one door is not the end, it may be just the beginning -- as cliched as that may sound...

This is really something I've been thinking about lately... I don't have much to add to what I wrote in my comment. I just want to reiterate that will probably be a very important year for us. In Brazil they have this strange habit of changing/making up movie titles, and St. Elmo's Fire is titled there "The First Year of the Rest of Our Lives." This is probably one of those years for us. 1996, the year we moved to the U.S., was another one too.

We both feel really strange about what the future may hold. We feel the need to settle down somewhere and, like my husband was telling me yesterday, we're getting "older" (35) and we don't want to go just anywhere, like a younger, more adventurous, childless couple, might want to go. And that makes applying for academic jobs that much more difficult. My husband has a list of 56 places he may apply to (he won't apply to all, of course) and my list is pretty small (I'm doing this just half-heartedly, so I don't even know by heart how many positions I can apply to), but we worry about getting offers from places that are not that attractive for us to live, and most are not. I feel terrible about this, since we should be just so thankful if we have offers to begin with, but it's such a tough decision!!

I'm sure many of you have gone through similar experiences and I'd appreciate any thoughts you share with me right now...

As for my dreams, academia, and the Ph.D. I'm not terribly worried, but I do wish I could continue being a scholar. I think I do have aptitude for it, in spite of the fact that I'm not the most dedicated person (remember I said here before that I'm lazy?). Unless I was able to really write (and I'm much less confident in myself as a writer than as an academic -- and if you've been reading the blog you already know that I'm not confident at all in this area), I think I'd be frustrated for the rest of my life if I had to leave academia. And I think my husband would feel the same way. I think one can only be happy if, like Andi, one leaves one dream in pursuit of another...

I hope I can look back in ten years and to know that I have found my way.

Upadated to add: I posted a comment below in response to Aliki's comment.

Lost & Found

Last Wednesday night I impulsively switched my blog to the Beta version of blogger and then, on Thursday morning, guess what? Yes, if you're reading this chances are you saw what happened -- the blog was gone!!

I truly thought it was lost forever and I was surprised at how cool I felt about it after the initial shock wore off. I was upset, of course, but I felt up to the task of rescuing whatever I could rescue and starting again. It was a learning experience from me and the biggest thing I learned surprised me. My blog isn't really that big of an obssession for me as I thought it was and I think that's pretty "healthy." If this had happened a while ago I might have just completely panicked and felt it was a HUGE loss. Well, for once, nothing's really "lost" in cyberspace and most of my posts were cached and I would have been able to recover my writing.

Well, if you're thinking about switching, maybe you should wait until all the problems are sorted out. I, for one, will, since my blog returned in the regular version (and this after I had already labeled dozens of posts)...

Don't forget to check out my previous post, because I posted it on the night the blog went down.

I'm still in Tennessee. We go back home tomorrow.

Short-Circuited

I have a dear friend who used to say that mothering little boys means having to prevent them from killing themselves on a daily basis. I thought I was lucky since my oldest was a very quiet and careful boy, who hardly ever fell or got hurt. The youngest is a bit more daring, but he's been pretty safe so far -- I think it helps that his brother looks after him too.

Well, today he got into something a bit more dangerous than causing plumbing troubles. I was here in the "office" (tiny bedroom on our second floor) and the boys were playing in the hall and the other rooms when all of a sudden I saw a spark and the computer went off. Kelvin had been playing with some coins (he likes to put them in several piggy banks that they have) and Linton had been begging for a coin. Absent-mindedly, I demanded that he share and give a coin to his younger brother. Well, Linton started playing with it and inserted it in the back of the hallway's night-light. I was so relieved that the night light was a ceramic castle and he didn't touch anything, just let the coin fall, or else something terrible might have happened. The outlet became completely black and the coin (a penny) and the plug melted a bit where they touched each other. Yikes!!!

I spoke very sharply to Linton and Kelvin got very shaken thinking of the possibility that his brother might have been seriously hurt or even dead from the power of electric shock. When I went downstairs to see if I could restore the power to the room (I wasn't able to and had to wait until hubby came home) Kelvin started screaming histerically for me to come because he thought his brother might go near the outlet again. He was hugging his brother, shielding him with his little body, so he couldn't move!

I know I need to be more careful and Kelvin (who's generally very careful) kept telling me over and over again that we needed to cover ALL outlets that didn't have plugs in them and watch Linton at every moment.

Well other than that, this was an uneventful day here. Except that I have a terrible cold. The "waterworks" started today and I can't stand a dripping nose (in spite of the fact that I had one for the better part of my first 18 years of life -- it only stopped when I quit eating dairy foods at 18). Linton, who already had a cough seems to have it too, his nose is starting to run. I don't think we'll have a good night. This reminds me of where I finished yesterday's post -- guess who came into my bed in the middle of the night? Both boys. And I ended up sleeping the last part of the night literally holding Linton so he wouldn't roll on top of Kelvin because when he was on my other side, he fell to the ground (and never woke up, I just picked him right up and them moved him to the other side). Husband is back from Brazil (which is GREAT!!) and I've already warned him that we'll probably have to spend the later part of the night with the boys... oh well, it's not like we're not used to it already!

Back Home and Bullets

As I expected, the trip back went very smoothly. I made it in less than 6 hours, including a 25 minute stop (only one!!). I would have arrived home 30 minutes earlier had my son not needed a bathroom stop in northern Philly. I took advantage of the stop to buy fruits and vegetables, since I stopped at a grocery store.

My sons handle car trips like pros. It was not always like that, of course, but we got them used to them really early. I don't think we'd do this again, but we did three excruciatingly long trips to Michigan for Thanksgiving, three years in a row, when my brother- and sister-in-law lived there. The first two were from MA, when our oldest son was 9 and 21 months respectively and took 14-16 hours. The last one was with both boys, aged 2 1/2 y.o. and 6 months and it took "'only" 11-12 hours (it was from here). We do like to travel a lot, so they have to be used to it. Music does the trick for them, I just have their favorite CDs ready and they generally cope well.

Now for some bullets. I'm just like Libby, I have a hard time keeping them short, but I'll try :)

• I have tons of things to blog about, but I wanted to catch up on blog reading, since I didn't get to spend much time online at MIL's house. I checked all the blogs in my blogroll, but I still need to go back and read those that I was already behind before last week

• My husband is flying home from Brazil tonight. I miss him SO MUCH!!! and the boys do too.

• We just got home from traveling and we leave again on Friday to Nashville, where I'm presenting at a conference. The whole family is going because my aunt lives there and we're going to meet my cousin's little girl who's 17 months old.
  

• My paper's not ready yet, but I'm going to just change the one I presented in April a bit, so I'm not really worried.
  

• A friend from Brazil is coming to present at the conference. We put a panel together when I was there in January.

• I feel guilty about leaving the cat home alone. We usually leave him at a friend's house, but this time she couldn't take him. Our neighbor was/will be feeding him, but I know he probably misses us terribly... It's tough to have pets, isn't it?

• I don't know if I mentioned it her, probably not, but my mother had surgery one week ago. Her thyroid was removed. She's doing fine.

All right, I'm sure I had more things to say, but this will do for now :) .

Updated to add:

• I never had time to report that we started having some sleep disturbances with the 2 year old in the past two weeks. He wakes up crying and it's hard to get him to sleep again. Some nights we had to split up -- daddy with one boy in the futon in their room and mommy with the other in our bed.

• He slept with me during our trip and even got to nurse during the night a few times in spite of the fact that he hasn't done so since June (o-oh)... He's in his crib now. He woke up a couple of times, but went back to sleep fairly quickly. Wish us luck staying out of the family bed :)

Cranberry Flavored Fall Adventures

I've had a good time here in Massachusetts. I'm dying to tell you more about the advising meetings, which were really great, but I want to write a nice thoughtful post to include some material from my "dissertation journal" which is in our desktop at home. I drive back home tomorrow (all right, today, since it's after midnight) and although I can't say I'm actually looking forward to it, given the smooth trip up, I'm confident it's not going to be that bad to go back!

Yesterday and today I got to see two longtime friends who also have sons. I've known one of them for 16 years, we met in Brazil where we sang together in a choir, and many years later she got married to a "Brazilian American" guy and we met again here in the U.S.. Her son is 10 months older than my eldest (who's 4 1/2). I met the other friend, who happens to have the same name I do (with an extra l) here in the U.S. ten years ago. She's American, with Brazilian parents, and her son is 9 months younger than my oldest. I hadn't seen them in nearly two years and they didn't really know my youngest son, since they had only seen him as a tiny baby, so it was great! We had a lively group of four boys, aged 2, 3, 4, and 5.
We went to an apple orchard and although there were no more apples to be picked (harvest was earlier than usual this year), we went on a tractor ride and the boys had tons of fun running around the apple trees and with the pumpkins and straw.












Today I met again with one of them, my namesake (who, by the way, may be reading this post -- I'm so delighted to have another IRL reader, Lily!!), and we went to Plymouth and then we drove around a bit to Carver and I was able to realize an old dream to see a cranberry bog. The sun was setting/ had just set, so I wasn't able to take very good photos (OK, as good as I'd like... they did turn out OK :), but it was still great!! I love cranberry juice, sauce, and anything baked with cranberries and I knew that if we move next year, this may be my first and last chance to see a cranberry bog at harvest time. I thought I'd share some of the photos too!
I want to go there again tomorrow in "broad daylight" but I have to go back home! :(

Traveling Mother

I just wanted to brag about the fact that this afternoon/evening I drove for 7 hours by myself with the boys to come spend a few days with my mother-in-law in Massachusetts.

Last night my husband flew to Brazil, where he'll be for a week and my father-in-law flew to Peru for a 10 day visit. I didn't want to stay home alone, but I was a bit afraid of driving for so many hours with the boys, but I decided to brave it.

The trip is supposed to take 5-6 hours, but I was stuck in traffic for 1h30 in Connecticut. This happened because I wasn't able to leave home before 2:30 pm, so I naturally got stuck in traffic from 5:30 on.

The boys behaved well. I was very lucky because the two times my son needed to go to the bathroom (for #2 nonetheless), we were right at a service area. We stopped only those two times, within an hour (between 4-5 pm) and then we continued for 3 hours straight until the little one couldn't bear it any longer and I stopped for 10 minutes for him to nurse. Both boys slept for the last 1h30 of the trip, thankfully.

Tomorrow I meet with my advisor and with one of the committee members (the first time since May), separately this time. I'll let you know how it goes.

Plumbing Troubles

I should have seen it coming. I knew that my youngest son would be more troublesome than the eldest, but I thought it would be a while before I had to spend money to solve troubles caused by little boys.

Well, my little boy, it turns out, has an unquenchable fascination with little rocks and pebbles. We went to a fantastic playground last weekend in Maryland , but all he cared about was throwing rocks at the tiny stream from the short bridge that crossed it.

Our neighbors have a path of white rocks by their driveway and whenever he gets a chance, my two year old goes there to play with them. Last Thursday I let the boys play in the back and front yard while I mowed the lawn. When I was cleaning up I heard my 4 year old screaming at his brother and calling me. It turns out the little one had been throwing rocks at our sewage vent by the curb. The cap was broken by the neighbor's car last winter and we hadn't replaced it. I forgot to mention that he'd thrown a bamboo stick in there the day before and had been scolded for it. I said no, that he was not to throw any rocks in there and we came inside.

Lo and behold, my husband was getting ready to leave for work this morning when (fortunately) he looked into the basement and realized that there was water leaking from the sewage pipe. We had both just taken showers and there was a lot of water, so about 1/4 of the basement was already wet. I went into full damage control mode, putting buckets to pick up the water trickling from the pipe and mopping the floor, while he started calling plumbers. We ended up getting Roto-rooter because they were the only ones who could come before 3 p.m. I just didn't want to be at home with two little ones and not being able to use the water.

I promptly remembered the rocks and a check at the vent outside confirmed my fears -- the pipe was half full of water. The plumber "snaked it" and all was fine in the end. I know it could have been worse, but this was a very expensive boy "game," it cost only 250 dollars...

Hubby said that we should deduct this from his future allowances!! :) If only he weren't just 2 years old...

Six Weird Things About Me

I had planned to post this three weeks ago, but then I decided to write a 9/11 post. I guess this is a good time for this "meme" since I'm in a writing-things-about-myself phase here in the blog (not that it's not already all about me :) This post has been in the works for many months as you'll see below.

You know, it's the funniest thing -- I was absolutely sure I had been tagged by someone with the "Six weird things about me" meme but apparently I wasn't!! A looooong time ago (January or February 2006), I was tagged for a book meme by Kate at Expatmama, and a "four things" meme by Juliet at Dalian Moon. Oh, and more recently, Cloudscome from a wrung sponge tagged me for another great book meme that I really want to respond to. However, as far as I can tell, I wasn't tagged for this weird things one! :) If you did tag me and I forgot who you are, would you kindly let me know? I feel like I've completely lost my marbles right now...

Ever since this "phantom tagging" feeling took hold of me months ago I have been thinking about the weird things I'd list. Initially I had a hard time thinking of them --I guess I'm pretty "normal," even boring; but, eventually, I realized that there are a few quirky or "weird" things about me. Wanna check them out?

1. Hair Removal Issues
I can’t shave my legs, underams, bikini area, etc. (although I sometimes have to). For some reason, my body is allergic to shaving and any shaved parts itch like crazy, as if I had many bumpy mosquito bites. I need to wax them, or use an electric “depilatory” gadget (which is way too painful and I hardly ever have the courage). Problem is, I don’t have money to do professional wax in this country (in Brazil it’s very cheap as are getting a manicure, a pedicure, and a decent haircut), so sometimes I do a sugar wax at home (I can teach you how in the future if anyone is interested). Even waxing elicits a terrible reaction from my legs (or any other body part) – they become swollen and red, but this subsides in a couple of hours and – that’s key! – it doesn’t itch later and I also stay hairless much longer. I guess my body just rebels against hair removal. I should do what my SIL is doing and have them removed with laser (no money either for that, though :)

2.Leg Positions (not really weird, just quirky)
I love to have my legs (at least one of them) folded and up against my body when I'm sitting down and I can also squat for a long period of time. In addition, I sleep in a fetal position, with my legs as close as possible to my body. I can't breastfeed in a glider rocker or sofa without having a leg up supporting the baby (this helped a lot when I fell asleep nursing in the first months of my older son's life - that way he was supported and didn't fall off my lap, but I completely digress...). I thing this habit stems from my childhood history of acute asthma. I spent countless hours squatting down, since the legs against my chest made it the best position to breathe. I also slept many nights kneeling or "squating" on a pile of pillows, since it also helped me breathe. Therefore in spite of the fact that I haven't had any ashtma episodes in over 15 years, I still carry with me the habit of folding my leg(s) against my chest.

In addition to lifting my legs while seated, I also am addicted to crossing them. I know it's not good because it causes varicose veins (I am prone to them genetically too), but I just can't help it, I love to have them crossed, sometimes twice...

4. Shocking!
I hate touching things and getting shocks, but it happens quite often in cold weather when I'm getting out of the car, with the kids in the playground, and -- most annoying of all -- at the grocery store. I have learned to prevent it for the most part. My husband, the scientist, taught me how: when I get out of the car, I hold onto the metal part of the car key and touch the car with it. If I'm charged there's always a "zappy" noise, but no shock! Once I even had my older son hold a key while he played at the playground because the shocking was just awful that day (he doesn't like it either). I really hate getting shocked by simply touching my kids! Well, this dread has led to very strange behavior from my part whenm I'm getting out of the car and in the grocery store. I'm always hesitant to open the car door and the bins of refrigerated or frozen things and I usually touch it slightly, very afraid and jumpy, and then open it. I'm sure onlookers think that I'm nuts!! (Oh, one of my best friends in Brazil claims that he's the only person in the world he know who gets shocks by touching a plastic water bottle. Yikes!)

5. Phone Troubles
This is a pretty embarrasing problem and my husband always teases my about it. I didn't grow up, for the most part, with a phone in my house, so I hate to call people I don't know. I have gotten better and I generally do OK calling costumer service representatives and the phone, electric, and cable companies, for example. Once in a while, however, I just don't feel like calling and ask my husband to place the call. It's a relly strange dread.

6. "Dream Attacks"
So, this is the one really weird thing about me, something I worry about once in a while, since one of my greatest fears is the fear of serious mental health problems. The first time it happened is a post in itself, I'll try to write it soon. I was 17 and on that day I had received some disturbing letters, I was sitting in an assembly meeting with all students of my high school when all of a sudden I felt as if I were inside one of my dreams. It was a very strange feeling. I immediately felt nauseous and a burning hot sensation. I almost began to cry. My best friend left the meeting with me and I think I went home and took a nap and I felt better. It happened
several other times, always during stressful times. After a while I got used to it. I just knew it was coming and it was not so scary. It lasted just a minute or two and went away. It's very rare for me to have "dream attacks" now, but it still happens. I have no idea what they are and it's quite unsettling. I tend to remember my dreams pretty well, but sometimes what I "see" in my mind may not even be exactly a dream that I had, but it just feel like a dream. I can't even explain it, it as if all of a sudden I were living inside one of my old dreams. Yeah, creepy, isn't it?

I won't tag anyone, but if you're dying to reveal your inner weirdo, feel free to take up this meme too! :)

Answering Your Questions!

You asked, so I respond. Sorry it took me so long. I really enjoyed doing it, thanks for asking!

Alice asked:

-What's your favorite outfit? Do you prefer pants over skirts?
Ha, interesting you ask, my next post is a meme and I had written something that's almost a response to this question (I include it below).

It's hard to tell what is my favorite outfit. I wear pants all the time (except in hot weather), but I love skirts and dresses, particularly what they call "sundresses" here in the U.S.

Here's what I had written for the next post. It had actually been discarded from the post and would be just an extra, so I'm glad you asked!

Clothing Choices
I hate jeans, sneakers, button down shirts, t-shirts, and sweatshirts. Once in a while, when I can find a pair of jeans that fits right and are not too long (which is VERY difficult, given that I’m short and skinny, but have a cute Brazilian derrière – it’s hard to find petite or short legs jeans that are cool*), I buy them and wear them once in a while (in cold weather), just because they make me feel “younger,” more “in” or cooler :) But I hate t-shirts and sweat shirts because they’re “shapeless” and button down shirts because they just feel too masculine and ugly to me, even with typically “feminine” prints and colors. I hardly ever wear sneakers – I guess I’m just not sporty at all. I definitely like cute blouses or tops and tank tops too (I don’t even like the more shapely “baby” style t-shirts that are fashionable now).

*I just realized how to do it - I started looking in the girls section. I just bought a great pair of "skinny jeans" two weekends ago that fit perfectly. Size 14 (years old).

-I know you love shoes. Do you (or Brasilians in general) wear shoes inside the house as well? Or do you use house shoes, or none at all?
Well, that's an interesting question :) It depends on the house. Most houses in Brazil have hard tiled floors, which are easy to clean, so people sometimes just wear regular shoes indoors. When we lived in houses with carpeting in São Paulo, we'd remove our shoes to walk around the carpeted parts. Here in the U.S. there's generally carpet everywhere, although you know we put laminate flooring in the living/dining area, so we always wear slippers, socks or walk barefoot inside the house.

-Are you religious?
Yes, I am. My dad is actually a church pastor (now retired), as is my father-in-law and one brother-in-law. My grandpa (on my mother's side) was also a pastor. I like to say that I'm a Sabbath-keeping Christian, but if you want to know the denomination, it's the Seventh-Day Adventist church.

I thought I'd write a few more words about religion since I may not return to this subject again in this blog, who knows. I find it hard to be a Christian here in the U.S. because I do not identify at all with the political agenda of most Christians in this country. I tend to view myself as a "post-modern" Christian, or "a new kind of Christian" (to borrow Brian McLaren's book title), someone who's as accepting of other people and their beliefs as possible.

-When you were little, what did you dream you wanted to be when you grew up?
Wow, that's a deep question! When I was little little I didn't really think of this much. I thought I'd be a teacher like my mom (although she didn't really want me to because she thought it was a tough job). Then, from 13-18 I knew I wanted to be a writer. That was when I decided that I'd study literature and languages. I've always loved to study, so becoming a scholar turned out to be a natural path for me. I've already been and will most probably continue to be a teacher. Whether I'll ever be a writer remains to be seen. Unless blogging, writing academic articles, and an essay here and there counts :)

Juliet asked:

Who was your hero growing up?
That's a tough one. I think I didn't have any "heroes" per se, but I adored my cousins JC and Denise, who were like brother and sister to me and my brother. Oh, yeah, and I had a "favorite" older cousin too. She an her SIL (her brother's wife) were my heroes[heroines] because they had given birth to their children completely naturally (and in Brazil nonetheless where most people have C-sections or at least epidurals). As you knokw, I went on to do the same!! My dad has always been an inspiration for me as well. He's a very sincere and coherent (consistent) person -- his life and actions definitely reflect his beliefs.

What kind of music do you like?
Lovely question, it merits many, many posts, but I'll try to keep it short! :) We have a really large CD collection, maybe close to 400. I haven't yet entered the world of MP3, thanks to BMG. I just love to have the actual CDs, be able to read the notes (I really do read every single thing written on those, what do you call them? CD covers?). (I am using "I" throughout, but should be using "we" since my husband's musical taste and mine are identical).

I love Brazilian "popular music," what I'm referring to here are the "classic" songwriters and interpreters of what we call "MPB" (Musica Popular Brasileira), such as Chico Buarque, Caetano Veloso, Tom Jobim, Gilberto Gil, Ivan Lins, Gal Costa, Joao Gilberto, just to name the best known and most celebrated ones. One of the best known "MPB" genres here in the U.S. is Tom Jobim and Joao Gilberto's Bossa Nova. I love this peaceful, lovely, shimmering kind of music (a mixture of jazz and Brazilian rythms created in the 1950s-60s), in spite of the fact that it's mostly a poetic, apolitical kind of music. The music of Caetano Veloso and Chico Buarque, on the other hand, is much more politically engaged and intellectually stimulating. I could write many many words about Brazilian music. Actually, one of my dreams is to write a scholarly book about it. I even have the title, a theoretical approach, and a friend who'd co-write it with me. What am I wating for? Well, maybe someday.

I enjoy classical music too, but I don't have many CDs and don't listen to it on a daily basis. Aaron Copland, Chopin, Brahms, Debussy, and the contemporary Brittish composer John Rutter are some of my favorites (along with, of course, the best of Bach, Mozart, and Beethoven). I like some jazz(y) interpreters (Nat King Cole, Louis Armstrong, Bobby McFerrin, Diana Krall, Norah Jones), and Broadway tunes interpreted by famous singers (i.e. Barbra Streisand, Kenny Rogers, Carly Simon, and others) and some standard old "romatic fare" such as classics by Stevie Wonder, Sting, Phill Collins, and some Lionel Richie. I like James Taylor, and I have recently discovered the marvelous Joni Mitchell. I also own a few collections of movie soundtrack compositions by John Williams, Dave Grusin, and I think the music of the Italian movie music composer Ennio Morriconi is heavenly (Cinema Paradiso is one of my favorite movies). And I like Yo-yo Ma. One of my favorite albums of all time is David Foster's Symphony Sessions.*

I also enjoy a few select contemporary Christian music artists here in the U.S. and from Brazil as well as Christmas music in general, both "classic/ popular" and contemporary.

I'm sure I've forgotten a lot of favorites, but I guess that gives you an idea of my tastes. I'd like to be more eclectic than I am, but sometimes I feel I'm too much an "easy-listening" music kind of person and I feel kind of ashamed of it ;)

Something somebody said to you that has changed [you] for life.
Another complex one. I can think of several people who said influential things to me. When I was a teenager me and my friends had a "mentor" called Jacob, he said many things that influenced my life for the better. I think what has changed my life the most were the deep conversations I had with my better-half and our friends over the years...

Cloudscome asked:

How about what is your favorite thing to do on a Saturday night?
Hanging out with friends and talking for hours and hours (any other night will do as well :). I only do this now when we go to Brazil and see our "old" friends, they still remain our deepest friendships although we're so far away.

And Saturday Morning?
Well, I go to church and teach the children's class. On Sunday morning (maybe that answers your question better) I like to sleep in until noon if possible (especially if I talked with my friends until the wee hours the night before :) Too bad that's hardly possible with two little boys in the house. I can't wait until they're teenagers (just kidding, of course :)...

And do you have any pictures of Brazil to share with us?
I have TONS!! I'll post some of those in a separate post or a series of posts, what about that? You have to come over sometime to see the ones that are not digital.

Phew! It took me so many days to answer all these questions I'm almost tired now! The next post was already written, that's why I was able to post both today :).

* I wrote this about this album on November 8, 1998: This is one of the best cds that I own! This cd is energizing, calming , touching, poetic, inspiring, romantic... all at the same time. I never tire of listening to it and through the years it has been a wonderful musical background to unforgettable moments with friends, remarkable trips or only to relaxing moments ar home. I recomend it to anyone who loves to listen to instrumental music that can take you on imaginary journeys into the beauty of sounds and feelings. Give it a try and it will surely become one of your favorites, as it is one of mine!!

The Complete Organic Pregnancy: Blog Book Tour

Even though I am not pregnant nor planning to get pregnant in the near future, I was excited to read this book. I tend to believe I have a relatively healthy lifestyle and I'm definitely interested in organic foods. I also thought I knew a few things about what living and organic lifestyle meant, but it turns out I was very wrong! I was almost overwhelmed by all the aspects of our lives that we often overlook and that may present a hazard to our and our family members' health.

It's good that our deepest instincts take over when we have a baby growing inside us and we want to do everything we can to protect our child. Therefore, the desire to get pregnant or pregancy itself were what motivated the authors to research and write this book. Especially during pregnancy, the decisions that we make regarding food, the materials that enter our house -- be them furniture, chemicals found in cleaning supplies and even make-up and toiletries -- can have effects on our future offspring that we may not know about.

The Complete Organic Pregnancy is a very comprehensive book which is useful not only to pregnant women, but anyone who's interested in living a healthier, less toxic, artificial, and more organic life. I would heartily recommend this book.

Just a couple of nuggets. Did you know that:

• "The environmental Protection Agency (EPA) has found the air quality in our homes to be two to five times more toxic than the air outside." (p. 30)?

• "A water bottle in a landfill or lying around as litter will take over 1,000 years to biodegrade. " (p. 107)?

These are just two tiny examples of things we may not think about but which have an impact in our lives and that of our children (born and unborn).

Below you can read the three questions that I asked the authors and their responses. I think the wording on the first question was not precise. "Attack" was too strong a word, I probably should have used something like "displease." I still think that the disclaimer is a bit unusual, I don't remember having seen another one like it anywhere else. But perhaps in a world of ever growing litigations, it's going to become a standard practice.

Q: I found the "disclaimer" on the copyright page very interesting. Who decided to include it (authors, editors, publisher?) and why? Do you anticipate that the book is going to be "attacked" by health care professionals and/or other people?

A: We think you’re referring to this:

Any product mentioned here by name is something we genuinely love and use. We haven’t been swayed by freebies, been paid off by CSA farmers, or taken promotional fees from the migratory birds who would prefer you buy shade-grown coffee.

This book is designed to provide information only. It is not intended to be complete or exhaustive, nor is it a substitute for the advice of your physician or other health care professional. You should be under the care of a physician or other health care professional during your entire pregnancy, and should consult that person with respect to all concerns you may have. All efforts have been made to ensure the accuracy of the information contained in this book as of the date published. The author and the publisher expressly disclaim responsibility for any adverse effects arising from the use or application of the information contained herein.

We wrote the first paragraph sort of jokingly but also to let people know that we didn’t blindly include products just because they were organic, or because someone sent us something to test. We want our readers to know that this book is very much a labor of love, a journey we both took (are taking!) and so we take what we suggest very seriously.

The second paragraph is what you’re really asking about and for that we don’t have a personal answer. It comes from the publisher and is, we gather, a pretty standard legal disclaimer, especially for a health/pregnancy text. We don’t expect to be attacked, no. And we highly doubt HarperCollins expects to be attacked.

Q: My favorite parts of the book are the "diaries" or personal essays. They certainly take the edge off the content that may feel "intimidating" to people who are not familiar with an organic lifestyle. Why did you decide to include them and how did you select the writers? Five "diaries" from the authors were included (only one by Deirdre Dolan). I'm sure you could have shared more of your personal experiences, why didn't you?

A: We included them for the very reason you liked them – to take the edge off. There is a lot of how-to information in the book, and some of it is scary. We both found the diaries to be welcome antidotes to the regular text. We also know – as pregnant women/moms – that it is comforting/interesting/helpful to read first person accounts, to hear from other parents who have gone through what you’re going through. We wanted to include as many voices as possible. Writing a book with a co-author means a division of labor. Deirdre actually curated most of the diaries, and Lexy has always felt very comfortable writing first person essays; it is an easy medium for her to write quickly in. So she wound up writing more about her story as she went. Lexy was also pregnant while the book was being written, so it all felt very topical to write about, while Deirdre became pregnant when we were editing.

Q: This book is so comprehensive that I'm finding it hard to think of questions about it! Is there anything that looking back now that the book is being released you would like to add or maybe change? Anything new that you have learned since it was submitted to the publisher? Or maybe further things that you have since experienced in your lives that you might have shared? –

A: New stuff pops up daily! For example, while taping a segment for the Today Show (we’re going on 9/28 and are very excited about it!), in which we went through each room of a pregnant mom’s house to tell her where she could try to make things more organic, she asked us about her kitchen sponges. We hadn’t considered sponges in terms of their toxicity levels, and are researching now. Since the book was submitted to the publisher, so many things have happened. One organic baby formula we mentioned has been discontinued/folded into another company, a new study showed that organic milk has higher nutrients than non-organic milk, several American nail polish manufacturers have voluntarily agreed to remove a hormone disrupter from their polishes, fish is getting closer to being able to be certified organic in Britain, the fight against genetically modified foods continues stateside, organic crib mattresses are growing in popularity, so much so that orders are backed up. It took us both several months to get ours delivered. We could go on and on. The world of organics is so hot and fast paced right now that not a day goes by where we don’t learn something new we would have happily included in the book. We’re also learning more as we grow. Deirdre is due on Thanksgiving and has a different perspective than she did when she wasn’t this pregnant. And Lexy has a different view of things now that she is breastfeeding, and her 8 month old daughter is teething, putting everything and anything in her mouth, and eating solids. We’re keeping copious notes and hope we’ll be able to update this book in a new edition when the time comes, and to write the next book in an organic series. Meanwhile, check us out on Yahoo! Health, where we blog about organic pregnancy here.

Edited to add: I just noticed that one of the authors, Lexy Zissu, commented on Kateri's post, so I decided to add one remaining question I had so she can respond in the comments if she likes!

Q: I know that their personal "diaries" in the book begin to answer this question, but I was wondering whether Dolan and Zissu were already invested in an organic lifestyle before thinking of getting pregnant. How did the findings of this book change your lives? Have you tried to implement every single suggestion? [that sounds like a daunting task! :)]

I'm sure reading their blogs about the subject will bring lots of answers too (link above), but I thought I'd ask!

P.S. Another cool thing about this "assignment" was having in my hands a book that had not yet been released (last week it wasn't available yet at Amazon, although it is this week).

Blogroll Slightly Updated

Well, I finally added a few new blogs to my blogroll... I feel bad that I wasn't reading these blogs just because they were in my bookmarks but not on the blogroll.

I think that my blogroll is very "tiresome" (I can't think of a better word, sorry, it's too late and I need to sleep!) to look at because of my passion for categorizing things and crosslisting right and left to get everyone sorted out in the right categories... (sigh).

I guess I need to upgrade to the Beta version. I want to change the template and I've been longing for guess what? Categories or tags so I can sort out all my posts...

Now I'm off to put the finishing touches on the promised "book review" post.

Book Review/ Q&A Coming Soon!

I promise I'll soon get to answer your questions, but this week I'm participating in yet another blog book tour, sponsored by Mother Talk, Inc. Thanks for inviting me, Andi!!

So I'm delighted to announce that I am now a Mother Talk Blogger.



P.S.1. I want to put the badge on my side-bar, but I still have to figure out how to do it. I know I need some code. If you know about these things, let me know :)
Edited to add: thanks to Alice, who gave me the html to link to the Bilingual/Bicultural Family Network a long time ago, I was able to insert the badge!! I also have to blog about my columns there, but I'll have to do that later, sorry!

P.S.2. Another reason I didn't blog this weekend was that we traveled to Maryland for my oldest nephew's 2nd birthday. My in-laws were there, it was also my MIL's birthday and my youngest nephew's baby dedication in church, so we were busy.

Random Things About Me You May or May Not Know

Since I don't have much time, here's a quick one:

• I was/am a tomboy.

• I do love pink, and "girly" clothes though.

• I drive a mini-van (an "old model" 1997 Odyssey - it's a bit smaller the doors open like a regular car. That's why my hubby wanted it. My oldest son now wants one with the sliding doors, though. Oh, and a DVD player, of course.)

• I've always been a voracious reader, but graduate work and motherhood put a bit of a damper on that.
  

• I'm a lazy person, unfortunately.

• I generally prefer salty/savory to sweet foods.

• But once in a while I have chocolate cravings. I can't stand American chocolate. Love Swiss (Lindt -- hmmm). Brazilian is OK.
  

• I don't much care for ice-cream, but I eat it, particularly if it's this one or another one that I just found out from Amazon doesn't exist anymore!! (Breyers' old Cherries and Cream, which the Amazon commenters have now explained has been changed and ruined -- how sad!! I really thought it was wonderful, with big pieces of black cherries and cream. I even tried other brands and hated this flavor). I didn't find this out earlier because I tried to refrain from dairy products as much as possible this past summer.
  

• I am very impatient (and fidgety).
  

• I am basically vegetarian. I avoid dairy products, eat eggs and, once in a while, fish.

• I tend to be a perfectionist.

• I am extremely disorganized, however.

• I am short and skinny, but I guess you've figured that out from the photos.

• I'm very friendly and an extrovert, but I have a hard time speaking with new people I meet (unless I know them from the internet -- hahaha, true, though). Sometimes even with people I know already. I have a hard time asking questions.

• I am quite clumsy. I bump into things a lot.

• I pretty loud (as most Brazilians in general are). I come from a family of nervous screaming women, however (my dad, uncles and hubby hate that). Problem is: boys are becoming just like me, what a shame!

All right, I'll stop here. What else would you like to know?

Potty Time

I still have a long list of posts I want to write, but life has caught up with me. I'm busy parenting, trying to cook healthy meals for the family and... I'm getting back to dissertation work too, because I really need to finish. And dissertation work makes me a bit depressed, so I don't feel like posting. I promise, I'll try, OK?

Anyway, I thought I had already posted about the news in the potty front from my eldest son (who is 4 1/2), but I just realized I hadn't. When I went to look up for my old post on this subject, I noticed a big coincidence -- I wrote it exactly one year ago!! So, last year, I asked for help from the readers because my son kept insisting in asking for a diaper for pooping. It took almost a year for him to finally give it up (In the meantime I had even thought of writing a post titled "All Quiet on the Diaper Front," but eventually never did).

We tried to bribe him with promises of Thomas trains and other gifts, but nothing worked. Except that daddy kept telling that we couldn't go to Florida if he didn't start using the toilet, so he promised that once we got to Florida he'd do it. And you know what? It worked!! It happened on our first morning in the hotel. I wasn't allowed in the bathroom, not even later to see what was produced, so he took a few photos before flushing so I could see it. I wasn't allowed to celebrate either (I had previously been telling him that I'd jump for joy when he finaly did it and I guess he wasn't too happy with the idea), so I was very low key about it. The next day I was allowed to see it and, in spite of the lack of celebrations, he didn't forget the promise of trains (from me and my mom), so we had to go and get him the trains a week or so later when he reminded us of it.

So here comes the anecdote I wanted to share today.

This morning my son called me from the bathroom, I thought he was done or needed help, but no! He wanted me to get him a magazine to "read" from the basket full we keep in the downstairs bathroom. Well, I guess he has just discovered the joys of reading in the bathroom!

Just like the little boy in the glazed tile sign from Brazil that we have in the bathroom door (photo above) -- isn't that a cute sign? (I have one for the kitchen that says "my lab").

Tagged!

On Friday night, Aliki, from World of One Thousand Different Things tagged me for a couple of memes. I don't know if I'll be able to do the second one fully, but the first one sounds fun! Here it goes:

Meme #1

The instructions are:
-Grab the book closest to you
-Open to page 123
-Scroll down to the 5th sentence
-Post the text of the next 3 sentences on your blog
-Name of the book and the author
-Tag 3 people

Now I have to confess that I had two books close to me on top of my computer desk, I'll be participating of a blog book tour for one of them next week, though, so I decided to pass that one up (moreover, the subject of page 123 was very unappealing -- not to say that what I ended up with is more appealing :) . The other one is a book I recently purchased, which comes highly recommended by Mary McKinney, the Academic Coach. Here it goes:

While they might have put writing aside until things were taken care of or until an illness had passed, most of these writers resumed writing at the first practical opportunity. This pattern held in surprising cases, even where the death of someone close to a writter might have disrupted and even blocked writing; instead, these writers reported a stronger desire for activities like writing that distracted them from their losses.

All but one of the few cases of traumas associated with wrting problems might better be categorized with disillusionment or with lack of planfullness.

From Professors as Writers: A Self-Help Guide to Productive Writing by Robert Boice. This book was on my wishlist since I saw the recommendation on the Academic Coach. I ordered it together with another book I needed to get at Amazon so I could get free shipping because I thought it might be helpful since I need to finish writing the dissertation. I find it very telling that I'd get this particular quotation. It's from a chapter titled "Dealing with Relapses" and one could say I have plenty of those in my dissertation writing. Of course my relapses are not caused by Traumas, which is the subject of the quote above, but it's surprising to see that people who actually suffered traumas continued writing and I quit for much more questionable reasons or no reason at all.

Meme #2

Name your top ten favorite TV characters.

OK, I have never watched much TV and I don't care for it much. Since my sons were born, I have watched even less. I just don't have time to "waste" on it and we don't even have cable. So... I'll try, but I probably won't come up with 10...

1. Samantha from Bewitched.

2. Ally from Ally McBeal.

3. John Cage from Ally McBeal. I thought he was hilarious.

4. Larry Paul (Robert Downey Jr.) from Ally McBeal -- yeah, I thought he was cute...

5. Joe from Friends. He was the one that annoyed me the least.

6. Carrie from Sex & the City. (all I watched was the full last season during the short month when we had cable and free on demand -- I really loved that show, someday I'll watch the whole thing)

7. Kramer from Seinfeld -- funny guy.

I really can't think of any more TV characters. I'll edit this if I remember any other.

I don't think I'm going to tag anyone, but feel free to take up any of them or both memes if you want to!

P.S. I'll try to do the book meme you tagged me for, cloudscome, OK?

Reasons for not Posting as Often as I'd Like

I just wanted to do a quick post so you know what's going on around here and why I'm not posting as often as I'd like to post.

1. Two constantly fighting boys. They provoke each other all the time, especially the eldest and the youngest always screams very loudly in return. Sometimes the youngest bites the older one and extremely loud and endless crying ensues. Very annoying.

2. Trying to unpack (I finished unpacking the suitcase from our vacation trip only yesterday!)

3. Trying to clean and organize house (we haven't done that in over a year) because we have guests this weekend.

4. Finish organizing the boys' bedroom since we moved them in a hurry and all the toys were a huge mess (we're almost done). Guests are staying in their bedroom too...

5. Shopping for bins, underbed storage, curtains, and bookcase for boys' room. After several trips to Ikea and other stores, only the bookcase is lacking (out of stock at Ikea).

6. Summer clothes shopping for me, a friend, and a few things for the boys. When a family's on a more-than-tight budget like ours, we only shop for clothes in the end-of-season clearances. My eldest boy still doesn't fit on several of the summer clothes I bought for him last year, so I only bought a few good bargains for him. My wardrobe, on the other had, is sorely in need of some more updated summer clothes. In addition, every two years or so, a friend from Brazil sends me money to buy a "whole wardrobe" of clothes for her boy and girl and I have a ball spending other people's money!! Of course the clothes are all VERY cheap and my friend is very happy with both their price and quality.

I'm sure there may be more stuff, some of it just the usual, cooking, laundering, cleaning...

Maybe I'll post a few pictures of the boys' room later, if you're curious.

P.S. I thought I'd say a few words about how the boys' move to their own bedroom at night is going. The youngest woke up either very early in the morning or late at night a few times and had trouble going back to sleep. On Wednesday morning, he woke up his brother too, at 5 am... Dearest husband is the one who's dealing with them on most days. Our room has light-blocking curtains and yesterday we got some for their room, so we expect them to have better nights (and early mornings). Last night was very good, the little one came to our bed at 6, nursed and went back to sleep until 7:45, which is EXCELLENT for him (who seems to have an internal clock that wakes up up at 7 am the latest).

The Boy, the Sea, and the Sunset

I want to share with you some of my favorites photos among the over 1,000 pictures I took during our vacation to add some mid-week pizzazz to the blog. I'm quite busy to write long posts right now, in spite of the fact that post ideas abound.

You may remember my post about the Florida vacation from last July. I Googled the last place where we were going to stay (Palm Coast) and pulled a photo of the Flagler beach pier for the post. Well, I went there and there was a beautiful sunset. Check out the results.

The Boy, the Sea, and the Sunset

The boy was simply mesmerized by the sea.

He couldn't bear to turn his back to it.
The crashing waves were beckoning him to go back
every time

He was almost dancing for joy.
The boy, like his mother, expresses his feelings very physically.


Before we left, I took some photos of a lonely looking lifeguard "chair" and I personally think they turned out stunning. I apologize for the lack of modesty... :)

The next one is my absolute favorite:

I was going to post two other sunset photos, but blogger won't let me. But maybe it's best to end with my favorite one. I guess it's really a common-place photo, but the life-guard stand is something brand new to me, in spite of the fact that it's an icon of the American beaches.

P.S. Oh, and I have a question to ask my American readers about American beach towns, but that'll come later, OK?

Remembering 9/11

This is my first post about this topic. Last year I didn't think of posting about 9/11 for some reason, but this year I want to do it. I can't believe it's been 5 years already, I can remember that day as if it were yesterday.
First, let me tell you a bit about the photo above. It's not from the internet. My husband (then boyfriend) took it from the ferry as it left Ellis Island on July 15, 1993. I never imagined it would become such a meaningful image to me many years later. This photo was one of the first things that came to my mind when I learned the towers were gone.

I never saw the events live on television on that fateful morning. I slept in as usual and when I got my husband's email at around 11 am, I truly thought it was a joke. It was just one telegraphic line which said something like "Airplanes hit the Pentagon and the twin towers and and the towers have fallen to the ground." I immediately turned on the TV and images of lower Manhattan flooded the screen, but all I could see was a cloud of smoke, there were no towers. My husband actually didn't see the towers falling either because he got to the campus center place with a large TV after the first one had fallen and the second one fell while he was emailing me.

When I realized what had happened, I was filled with despair. I had found out I was pregnant with our first child only four days earlier and I thought it was "the end of the world" in a sense, I felt was despair that I was pregnant in such a terible time. At the same time I felt it was awful to feel such despair because it migh hurt the baby growing inside me. I was getting frantic and I needed to see somebody. Anybody. I rushed upstairs (our TV was in the basement) and out the door of our condo/towhouse. The neighbor's door was open and I called her. I was in tears by then and she gave me a hug. I told her I needed to see someone, and that the hug made me feel better. I also mumbled something about not believing in what was happening and that I had missed seeing everything... I couldn't believe that either.

I loved those towers, as I love any tall buildings, towers, and structures. I love to be able to go as high as I can and see the world from up there and I do it in any city we visit. I had been up there in the World Trade Center twice, in 1993 and 1996. You can see a photo of me with lower Manhattan in the background also taken on July 15, 1993.
The Sbarro restaurant in the lower level of the WTC was dear to me because we had had a meal there with my husband's family when we first came to the U.S. in 1993 and subsequently with my parents in 1997. The Borders bookstore in the street level was a place I enjoyed as well and we had been in there literally for hours as we waited my parents go up the towers in 1997. I thought of all those books having become dust, of us never eating again in that restaurant, or taking the trains to our friends house in New Jersey there. I remembered the WTC subway station very clearly. I also thought the number of deaths would be much higher than it actually was in the end.

Another photo taken by my husband on July 15, 1993.

That December, when I was 7 months pregnant, my three brothers-in-law, my SIL, and one of my younger BIL's girlfriend came from Texas to spend Christmas and New Year's with us. We went to NYC on Dec. 30 and 31st and on the 31st we decided to stay in line to see Ground zero. It was incredibly cold and my sister-in-law and I tried avoid the cold to stay indoors at a nearbyCatholic church (which was very cold too) and a coffee-shop while the men stayed in line in the freezing cold for almost 4 hours. When the time came for us to walk up the long wooden ramp to see the site, Rudy Giuliani appeared! It was probably one of the last things he did in his last day as mayor of NYC. We even took a picture!
We were a very numb because of the cold, but it was quite moving to see ground zero only three months after 9/11.
I have been back there several times since then, but none of them can compare to that first visit, when everything was still so raw, all buildings around ground zero were still severely damaged, the Hilton hotel accross the street, closed. The church that served as a memorial place (I can't remember the name) was loaded with posters, photos, mementos. The line and the entrance to the ramp to view the site were actually right by that church.

I still have a hard time to think about this event, process it, and accept that something like this ever happened. It just seems so unthinkable... but the unthinkable happened.

Edited to add: Professing Mama wrote an excellent post criticizing the ways the 9/11 events are used and politicized. For another moving personal account check out this post by World of One Thousand Different Things.

Noise

Every time I come back home from a trip I have certain feelings and impressions that I always want to write about. I usually am not able to do it, though, because things are quite hectic after we travel, particularly when we come back from Brazil where we have stayed for two months, for instance. I'm glad that now I have decided to post more often (and also worry less about proofreading and writing "good" posts), so I don't loose these fleeting thoughts, since they go away pretty quickly.

This time, after two weeks in Florida, I found that the place we live is just too noisy! Two weeks away made me realize that living in a city is quite noisy. I lived in Sao Paulo, one of the largest cities in the world, for 11 years, so I should know that, but 7 years in a rural area here in the U.S. have made me enjoy quiet places more. Of course we've lived here for two years now (we moved to the Philly area on July 29, 2004) and although the firehouse siren (it's only 1 block away) and the freight train whistle at all times of day and night are annoying, we're used to them now.

I guess part of the shock has to do with the fact that we spent most of the summer with the AC on and all windows closed; however, I have left the windows open these last days, so we hear all outside noises much louder. It also seems like the neighbors are trying to enjoy the last days of summer and there are lots of people outside talking loudly, kids screaming, etc. Of course this neighborhood is not the one we would have chosen had we been able to afford a house anywhere else and that doesn't help too much, but this another subject I don't want to get into right now.

I know I have to enjoy this "open window" time as much as I can, because the noises soon will be dampened again by closed windows. The thought of winter makes me very sad, particularly because I probably won't go to Brazil again this winter as I have in the past two years. I have learned to enjoy the seasons, but having grown up in a tropical, year-round green and lush country, I feel always depressed in the winter months. So, I should welcome the noise, really, because the eerie silence of snow falling is beautiful, fascinating, but also a bit sad.

Goodbye Family Bed

Attachment parenting issues have been addressed lately by Kateri (at Wet Feet), and coincidentaly, I have something related to share here (although our story is different and the focus is sleep, not breastfeeding).

After I finally got around to writing my sleep problems post last July, things got better quickly. Linton has really been sleeping through the night since then. After my parents left in August, we decided we'd take the next step and move the boys to their own room, in spite of the fact that Kelvin (who's 4 1/2 now) has been "finishing the night" in our bed almost every day and Linton has been sleeping in the crib (with one side down) next to me since he was born (27 months ago).

During the last week of our vacation, we stayed in the four bedroom house of two friends of ours who are still childless (they have been trying to conceive for 3 years and apparently all is "normal" with them -- same thing with two other friends here in Philly, their experiences make me feel so sad!), so we were able to have a room for ourselves and put the boys in another room with two beds. This worked perfectly well and they generally only came to our room in the morning when they woke up (I guess it helped that they were tired from going to the beach several days :).

Anyway, yesterday, in spite of the incredibly messy house, empty fridge, and all the unpacking that needed to be done, I moved two chests of drawers from the boys' "playroom"/ guest-room (it has a futon) and moved the crib (with a protective railing more or less like this) and the toddler bed there. The night wasn't completely uneventful, given that Linton came to our bed between 5-6 am and there, after nursing, he slept again until 7 and Kelvin got up too, but my husband went back to his room with him and got him to fall asleep again.

The funny thing is that my husband is the only one who's kind of sad to see them go. He truly enjoyed sleeping snuggled next to Kelvin every morning. I guess this is one of the key elements for the "Family Bed" to work -- the willingness of both parents. Both of us enjoyed spending the nights next to our boys, but I guess now it's time to claim our own space again, I'm really ready for that and hopefully the boys are too!

Get Ready to See More of Me

I have decided it's high time I start posting more often here. The number of posts I have started or have thought about writing is getting higher and higher and I think that instead of spending the bulk of my "blogging" time reading and commenting on other blogs, I should just write more. Particularly considering that many of the bloggers I read and diligently comment on (because I truly enjoy the content and the writers) don't read this blog.

Blogging is not easy for me sometimes because I feel I'm just a "nobody" out there. Besides, I feel I'm too "eclectic" and end up not fitting well into any "clique" or category. I'm a blogging mama (I don't like the "mommy blogger" label too much) who doesn't write often enough about her sons -- one reason is that I'd need to translated all the cute things they say and that would make them much less funny (I have been planning a post about things they say for two years now, though :). I'm an dissertating/ABD/ academic blogger who doesn't blog about academia too much -- my conflicted feelings about academia and being an academic are a big reason. Finally, I'm an expatriate who should write about her country and her feelings about the new country more often, since these things are part of every single day of my life (all right, sometimes I do write about this - probably not lately, but I have written about it several times).

Well, I'm really tired from the trip, the house is still a mess and I know that tomorrow is going to be a really loooong day, so I'll stop for now, but I should be back soon. I even have some interesting news regarding the boys (hints, sleep, potty, etc... all those fun parenting subjects!).

Oh, and I have one more reason to go on a "posting jag" -- soon I'll have to take a break to go back to dissertation work in earnest. This is my last year. Wow, I can't believe I just wrote that, but it is, no matter what!!

I'm Back!

We got back from Florida this afternoon and although I'm dying to post and catch up with other people's blogs I really can't because this house is a big mess!! I hope to come back as soon as possible and share with you lots of beautiful photos from our trip. We didn't have internet access for the past week, we only checked email at our friends' office, or I would have posted earlier.

Our trip was wonderful and I didn't miss home at all (I never do, though, I love to travel). The boys enjoyed it too, but I guess they are happy to come back to their toys (not for long, unfortunately :)

Well, I'll see you soon!