Crossroads

*Edited to Add: this finally is the 300th post since that one wasn't :)

We were up talking until late last night, my husband and I. As you know, he sent out over 30 applications, got one phone and then campus interview and that's it so far. A handful of schools have sent their rejection letters, but most haven't said a word. It would be easier to know that doors are closed instead of suspecting but having no way to know for sure. It's been a month since the last deadline for sending applications so it's a very uneasy time for him. I'm glad my very brief search is over for good, but it would be good to know what we're doing, where we're going. Once that's settled, I have to send letters and CVs out and seek an adjunct job, anything.

One of the biggest reasons for his/our disappointment in his job search is the success of his lab mate. Coincidentally, he's another Brazilian guy like my husband. He has a total of six job interviews. All of them at R1 universities (large universities with graduate programs whose main focus is research, not teaching, like in the smaller undergraduate-only liberal arts colleges). There are a few differences in his situation, though. First, this friend is not in the same area as my husband's. He's in the applied sciences rather than in "pure sciences," even though he's been doing a postdoc in the second. So maybe things are slightly different in those departments. Second, and most importantly, our friend is in his SECOND postdoc, this time in a "buzz area" and with a well known, established scientist at an Ivy League school. Sure, my husband is working for the same scientist at the same school, but because of the circumstances, he didn't get to work on the area he wanted to and is working in a more obscure subject. This is his first postdoc and has lasted three years.

Besides having been a postdoc for four years, our friend experienced bitter disappointment in his first two job searches. The first yielded two interviews, the second, none. But now he's reaping the benefits of his second postdoc at big shot school. So, he's been telling my husband he should go for a second postdoc to maximize his chances to get an R1 university job. That would mean two more years in "limbo" for our family, but might yield a "better" job for my husband.

What if there's an offer from the "Smallish Undergraduate State University" with strong research emphasis where he interviewed? What about the possibility of the "Small Religious Private University" with little opportunity for research in the West Coast? (I mentioned this second possibility here, I guess some of you may have missed it). Should he still forgo these offers for "real jobs" (although not the desired research focused jobs) in order to try going for another postdoc and pursuing the elusive dream of an R1 position?

We were just reflecting last night that all these discussions may end up being pointless because there could potentially be more interviews in the coming weeks, but we kind of doubt that. I mean, it's getting late in the game, isn't it?

And the bottom line is... We started looking back at our "plans" and realized that one of our problems may have been not having a clear goal to begin with. We were, like we say in Portuguese "shooting in every direction" (atirando pra todo lado) hoping to "catch" something (we have another saying for that, "o que cair na rede é peixe" -- whatever falls/is caught on the net is a fish) and now we're not sure we would want any kind of "fish."

The sad thing is -- isn't it a bit too late to be reaching this conclusion? Shouldn't we have thought of that years ago? Shouldn't we have planned something like -- "What we want is to look for R1 jobs for both of us, and if that fails, we can lower our expectations, we can set a different goal." Would it be wise to start setting such goals NOW? Waiting two more years for something that's far from certain? I am at a point (and have been for a long time) where I don't really care too much about what I end up doing. I feel like I want my husband to have a job he loves and then I'll find something for me there. Anyway, it's very unsettling to look back and feel like maybe we should have done things differently.

Of course there's a long history behind our academic lives that you don't know of. We were supposed to go back to Brazil to teach there, so we never aimed too high. There was no point in being ambitious because we had no choice. Then, we started enjoying been true scholars/ scientists and we even considered not going back on our own. It was then that they decided to stop the sponsorship and "release" us from our obligation to go back. That was around the time my husband had already decided to go for the postdoc, etc. Then, there's the fact that his "boss" got him to work on something he didn't really want to work on, an obscure area which is a hindrance, in spite of the name of the school and of the "boss." One of my problems, which I hope will end up being an advantage one day, is that I'm interested in way too many areas (within literature), so I don't fit in well anywhere. My dissertation work is interdisciplinary and I don't even want to work in one of the main areas my dissertation focuses in.

All right, you must be bored with all this discussion. Thing is, we're at a crossroads right now and we'll have to decide what to do within the next two months. We also worry about our family, about the boys. Where would we like them to grow up? Where would be the optimal place for our family to live? Is there such a place or should we just have a "bloom where we're planted" mindset?

P.S. My husband loves your comments here, Articulate Dad (he says that they're always so pertinent, so thoughtful), therefore I've been telling him that he should go read certain posts in your blog, which may help him, or at least have him feel that he's not alone in this struggle. I kept talking about you in our conversation yesterday.