Weekend Update -- Sunny Sunday Edition

"Summer is back!" My five year old exclaimed this morning when he realized it was going to be a warm day. Last week he was really sad and whiny, lamenting the chilly weather and saying that summer was gone. I felt the same way and boy... am I glad we're going to Brazil on December 7 or what!?

The day was a busy one, I did three loads of laundry, which we hung outside to dry (laundry is an interesting subject I want to blog more about sometime -- I haven't used the dryer in over six months!) and I made my second batch of tomato sauce to freeze. I bought a box of very ripe tomatoes from Lancaster county for 8 dollars on Friday, peeled them all last night and then prepared the sauce today (with sauteed onions and garlic, plus herbs). Meanwhile, my parents (who came from Maryland to visit this weekend) were busy packing their suitcases and helping around the house. I wanted to go out in the afternoon with the boys and my parents (my dad decided not to go), but it was past 2 pm when we finally ate some linguine with the fresh tomato sauce and got ready to leave.

Funny as it seems (since my youngest son was so happy about the warm weather), it was hard to get the boys out of the house. They are in another one of their intense train phases* and they just want to play trains all day and into the night. Yesterday they even installed a railroad in their bedroom and played for hours (the trains and tracks are always in the basement). So, I guess today marked the first day the boys simply refused to go to Longwood Gardens with my mom and I. We went to the Morris Arboretum instead (they did, finally, after many long years, got tired of the Garden Railway there, despite their love of trains), but only because we promised them to stop at Target on the way back (Kelvin bought the train station pictured on the right with his own saved money) and at Barnes & Noble where they love to play with the wooden Thomas railway...

I was really happy with the warm day and the all the productivity, but I wanted to have gone to Longwood, if only for two hours. The evening has not been as productive, though. I did put the cooled sauce into containers that I labeled an put into the freezer (see left) and I cleaned my computer desk. I should, however, have cleaned the whole study more thoroughly so we can have an organized room for "school" tomorrow, but I'm here writing this boring post. Sigh. I wanted to upload some more fun photos from the day, but I'd first have to save them in lower resolution because it just takes too long.

Tomorrow I'll be back with a post about my childhood and being a parent. Oh, and of course it's past 1 am on Monday, but I tweaked with the day to keep this post with the Sunday date.

* Their obsession for trains seems to be a permanent one. There are "lulls" or periods in which they play with something else, but they always go back to their trains (the [evil plastic] battery operated Thomas & Friends trains). We do have lots of engines (upwards of 17! They lined them all up on the dining room table today), tons of the old blue tracks and one set of the new "Trackmaster" beige tracks. I think we haven't wasted a penny with the money spent on these trains (which was not that much, considering that many of them were gifts).

"When flesh and steel are one," or How the Show Had to Go On

The "flesh and steel" that Sting originally refers to in his lyrics is not meant to describe what had happened earlier on that day, 9/11/01, the same day of the show that resulted in the recording of his album ...all this time. However, the unspeakable reality of steel, concrete and flesh becoming at once one and nothing was all I could think of as I listened to "Fragile" and watched the DVD as my brother told me the circumstances of that show, recorded live in Italy on the same fateful day. I am sure that Sting and his band felt that even more keenly when they interpreted this song that evening. And yet, in spite of the circumstances, the show had to go on.

I listened to the CD again on our recent trip and I thought that writing about this would be a good way to honor the 8th anniversary of 9/11. Only four days earlier, I had found out I was pregnant and I felt, deep within, that life was fragile indeed. Here's a video of the song, and the lyrics below it.



"Fragile"

 by Sting

If blood will flow when flesh and steel are one
Drying in the colour of the evening sun
Tomorrow's rain will wash the stains away
But something in our minds will always stay
Perhaps this final act was meant
To clinch a lifetime's argument
That nothing comes from violence and nothing ever could
For all those born beneath an angry star
Lest we forget how fragile we are

On and on the rain will fall
Like tears from a star like tears from a star
On and on the rain will say
How fragile we are how fragile we are

On and on the rain will fall
Like tears from a star like tears from a star
On and on the rain will say
How fragile we are how fragile we are
How fragile we are how fragile we are

Potatoes Last Several Months in a Darkened Fridge

They really do. I was able to verify this fact last weekend and I felt pretty sad about it. You see, in the last week of May my in-laws left their apartment for what they thought would be a quick, ten day stay in Brazil. However, because of a misunderstanding regarding their visa renewal and the unwillingness (or incompetence) of my father-in-law's employer, they are still there, over three months later.

We stayed at their apartment last weekend when we traveled to Massachusetts and while it was convenient to be able to stay there, we missed them keenly. And what's worse is that if the employer (my FIL is a pastor) doesn't act quick, they might just not be coming back to live here anymore because my FIL is retiring soon and he can resign from his job here if it looks like they don't want him back. That's what made/makes me pretty sad. It's been three years since they moved to the U.S. and although we don't see them as much as we would like to, being 6-7 hours away by car is infinitely better than being nine long flight hours and over nine thousand miles apart.

We fully emptied their fridge (it had already been partly emptied by my youngest BIL who had been there in June) and I brought the potatoes home in the cooler, surprised that they still looked pretty edible. I used them to make some soup on Tuesday night (MIL's recipe, BTW, heart of palm soup -- you can let her know, sis)  and thought of writing this post. The soup tasted good, but the prospect of them leaving doesn't. They were planning to move back to Brazil in December anyway, but if they don't come back to the U.S. (they'd have to get another visa to come and ship their belongings, at least), it will feel pretty strange... Leaving in such strange circumstances. It may be best for them just remain in Brazil because if they come back they might end up being here through the end of next year. My father-in-law gets really depressed in winter, poor thing, so two more winters (even if only part of one next year) might be too much for him to bear, particularly now that they own an apartment in one of the most beautiful Northeastern coastal city in the Brazil, Maceio (photo worth clicking).

I guess that instead of mourning the loss of them here and their (rental) apartment in Massachusetts I should be looking forward to visiting their new apartment in Brazil, right? Throw away the potatoes, bring in the refreshing coconut water!! Yeah, that makes much more sense... :-)

Cyber Schooling

I just wanted to let you know that if any of you are insterested in the cyberschooling that we started this week, I've been posting almost daily on my new blog. Here are this week's posts so far.

I'm still deciding whether I'll use the boys' names in the school blog, maybe not, so I'll be going back and editing the posts accordingly. I know this is ultimately silly because I do use their names in this blog (and I probably won't go back and change hundreds of posts and not do it from now on), but perhaps it's a step in the right direction of protecting them... oh well, from what, exactly, I don't know.

In any case, I don't intend to talk much, if at all, about cyberschooling here, OK?

Belated Breastfeeding Awareness Month Post

August was Breastfeeding Awareness Month, but I was not able to scan the picture I wanted to post on time, so here it is (further below :-).

During the past school year, Kelvin and his classmates had to write a sentence (or more, if desired) completing a prompt I'd written on the board and make an accompanying drawing. I saved all of Kelvin's pages and will put them together in a book/folder. This is what he wrote and drew when the prompt was "Dear Mother, When I was little...":

The picture portrays both of us sitting at the glider rocker and it reminded me of how important and significant our nursing relationship was for the boys and I.We often talk about it and both boys still remember nursing. 

In the past 2 years -- since Linton was weaned -- I seldom, if ever, wrote about breastfeeding in the blog anymore, but that doesn't mean that I'm a less ardent "lactivist"! I hope that someday I can find a way to work with expectant mothers and mothers of young babies because I am really passionate about them, particularly giving breastfeeding support. I don't plan on becoming a lactation consultant, so I wonder what I could do... Time will tell, I guess.

09/09/09 and Little Women

When I was younger, like twenty years younger (yikes, it almost hurts so say that!), dates such as today's mystified me. I think that on 8/8/88 I must have written half a dozen bad, pathetic, ridiculous little poems or "things"on account of the significant date. In those years, when I was 16-18, I wrote feverishly, much like one of my favorite fictional/loosely autobiographical heroines, Jo March.

Last night I finished re-reading one of my favorite books ever, Little Women by Louisa May Alcott (and I can't believe I lived in Massachusetts for eight years and haven't yet been to Concord, or Salem. Sigh. Someday, I really want to go... someday soon, preferably). And all the while I had to smile because one of my blogging friends recently wrote on facebook that she never finished the book after Jo refused Laurie. I quite like that she did that, actually. Jo's rebelliousness and, most important of all, her consistency in following her dreams and ideals, has always inspired me.

Reading the book in this particularly period of my life has made me identify strongly with certain aspects of the work. I feel the same way the four girls did (particularly Meg and Amy) about being [relatively speaking] poor. It gets old and tiring after a while, but it also does good to one's character and disposition. It's not easy to bear, though... and sometimes I feel like whining for a new TV/ car/ couches the same way Meg and Amy whined about not having any nice dresses and things. I guess one could say that the book has outdated overly "moralistic" values, what with the constant references to Pilgrim's Progress, but 150 years later, these are  values that I think the world still needs and that I personally seek to uphold in my own life.

The other aspect that resonated with me strongly is that of being changed by suffering (particularly Jo after Beth's death, but also Laurie, after being refused by Jo). I know that what we/I recently went through is nothing, really, compared with other's people's financial, health, and personal woes, but now I realize that going through this small measurement of suffering has really changed me. I'm not very happy with the change right now, but hopefully it can make me stronger in the end.

I could say many more things about this book, but now I have to go and find and read the contemporary "sequel" or "other side of the story," March, by Geraldine Brooks, one of the few books that I allowed myself to purchase last year,* but which I didn't get to read and now cannot find in my bookshelves! I'll get back to you after I read it.

Meanwhile, I should enjoy the last few hours of this most rare 09-09-09 day!!

* Remember what I just wrote about being "poor"? Not being able to buy books is one of the small burdens I have to bear -- using Alcott's imagery

Back Home, Back to School

Only school is at home right now. I've just posted about it on the other blog since today was our first day of school.

Our trip to Massachusetts was delightful and I can't wait to go back in a month and meet my dear friend's daughter who is due in two weeks. We took our Brazilian friends to meet our dearest American friends who live by the sea an hour North of Boston and we had a lovely time. It feels great to have had such a relaxing trip (except for all the traffic we got stuck on in Connecticut on the way up on Friday, sigh...) and I wish all trips were like this one.

I hope to post some photos soon (I know, I always say that, but hardly ever do, it's just that I always take photos in the highest resolution [8 megapixels] and those take ages to upload... and it's a pain to shrink them just to post on the blog... ai ai ai...). I really do need to post more photos, though... even if it takes time.

OK, I have to go to bed now... See you later!

Dreaming is the Best Medicine

Cheryl, you were spot on in your comment regarding that sad post. A little bit of dreaming can make all the difference.

That same evening after I'd written the post K came home and began to tell me about some of the academic positions that have just been advertised in his area. One in Virginia, at the school/dept. he's already applied for 3 times (and was interviewed in the first try, withdrew the second application & the third was late), another in Connecticut, another in Massachusetts, very close to where we used to live... all attractive places to us. And hopefully there will be other positions to apply to.

Although I am aware that there are always be many applicants and that K may not get a job offer in the end, I've began imagining what our lives would be like in each of those places and this has done loads of good to my heart.

We're getting ready to travel to Massachusetts where we'll spend sometime with my 8 months pregnant friend and her husband and also get to see an old time friend who lives in an Island close to where the Merrimack River meets the see. I think it'll be a delightful trip.

Next week we begin our cyberschooling adventures and... drum roll!! in the following week... music lessons for the boys (piano for Kelvin). I think I'm looking forward to the future all right. What a relief.

Rehabilitation

It's time to give an overdue update on my uncle's situation. I finally saw him yesterday when I brought my parents to the D.C. area so they can be with him every day in the rehab center/nursing home in this last month before they go back to Brazil. It was a whirlwind trip, I drove them (and the boys) to Maryland on Sunday night and came back yesterday afternoon because I needed to "babysit" overnight for our friends.

We left pretty late on Sunday because my dad spent the day cleaning our garage, the play house/shed, the car, etc... there was no stopping him! So it took us sometime to get out of the house and drive to the rehab center. When we got there, around 11:30, my uncle was not in the room, he was having physical therapy. We were walking down the hall looking for the gym when we saw him being wheeled in our direction in his wheel chair. It was not easy to see him so helpless! He looks well, the huge scar across the right side of his face/forehead is fully healed. His hair is cropped really short, but the real shock is the closed right eye and the expressionless face. He can move his left arm well, but not the right one (the arm that broke). He moves his legs a bit, but not too much. And he cannot talk out loud, just whisper.

The boys were shy, as they always are, but my uncle immediately remarked that they were shocked. I don't think they were shocked as much as puzzled and full of questions. "Why can't he open his eye?" "Why can't he move?" "Why is he in this chair?" And so on and so forth. He was going to leave for the appointment with the orthopedic doctor, so we asked for his lunch, my mom and dad fed him and we saw him off in a van driven by a nice Hispanic woman (thankfully so because my dad went along and he doesn't speak English, but we Portuguese speakers can communicate quite well in Spanish).

Last week we learned for sure that his brain tumor (although big -- 5 cm) was benign. We suspected it, but my mom never had the courage to ask my aunt (over the phone) about the biopsy results. They had previously thought that uncle would need a pacemaker, but he actually doesn't -- he just needs one of the veins to be unobstructed (perhaps with a catheter, we don't know). And the results of yesterday's visit to the orthopedist were also positive -- his arm is healing well!

I hope that my parents' presence there can help, particularly my dad's since my uncle is his younger brother. They were sad to say goodbye to the boys, but we'll see each other in the last two weekends of the month, before they go back on the 28th.

This visit to my uncle made me think that it would be pretty important to have a living will. It must be extremely hard to be "stuck" in an alien body while (mostly) fully aware and mentally able. I hope he recovers fully. I haven't had time to research about it, but I know that the "side-effects" of brain surgery are pretty devastating -- and we can see that first hand on uncle -- but, hopefully, they can be reversed with intense therapy and time.

It was tiring to drive back by myself. The boys were watching DVDs and I felt sleepy at times. And then we had two (very nice) boys to care for in the evening -- the hardest part for me was having to speak English during dinner and after and not be able to fully relax.

We were welcomed by two huge boxes containing the books and materials for cyber-schooling, but I'll need to write about that separately, probably in the other blog.

Well, I have to go to bed, I'm tired. I'm feeling a bit better already, my friends. My heartfelt thanks for all your kind words. I'll discuss the cyberschooling issue in due time, Anjali. Great to hear from you again, Prisca! Your comment was great, motherissues, I also appreciate when other bloggers are honest about their overwhelming times, it does help a lot to realize we're all humans and undergoing some of the same hardships . Dawn and Lucy, thanks for being so supportive as always! "The internets" is just wonderful!

Giving Up? or I Think This is MORE than just Early Fall Blues

Bear with me, please, I'm really unhappy and need some blog therapy. I don't know what else to do with my life right now. The boys need to be fed, there are dishes to wash, but I need this now.

I just ate a chocolate bar, this one that I found in the kitchen (my parents bought it? I don't know), but it didn't help. But then, again, I don't much like American candy (and find really odd calling chocolate "candy" anyway, for me chocolate is chocolate, not just "candy"). I like chocolate, and doce de leite (Portuguese for the Spanish dulce de leche, which is NOT, BTW really caramel, it's something much more delicious than what you call caramel here).

I know, I'm grumpy and depressed and it's easy to become my most aggressive and annoying expatriate self. I've dreamed of starting a website for expatriates for these kinds of petty complaints. I won't share the name 'cause I really wanted to do it someday. Yeah, someday... everything in my life in my life right now is relegated to "someday." From big things to little ones.

Someday we'll have real, stable jobs and settle down somewhere...
Someday we'll afford a new tv, new couches (we have an empty family room now that we returned the borrowed ones).
Someday perhaps we'll pay our renovation debts and save enough to renovate the remaining two bathrooms.
Someday... if one of us get the aforementioned job (it doesn't need to be plural, even!) we'll put this house on the market and it will sell.
Someday... no, I don't think we can really be happy in church here.

I was just walking outside looking at my flowers, after dropping a bag in the trash and I felt really bitter. I really don't know the reason, I mean, I kind of do, but there's no one single reason I can pinpoint, but for the first time in years, many many years, and I'm crying as I write this, sobbing really, I'm NOT looking forward to the future.

That, to me, is utterly devastating. I can hardly write it, the sobs shake me so much.

I've always looked forward to the future, all my life. And, without fail, every single year has always been better than the one before. Really, you can say that it's cheesy, sappy, whatever, but my life has been consistently great, and improving. I went through school, got into college, met my husband, got married, moved to another country, started grad school, bought first house, had babies (that, was wonderful!), finished grad school... and then... last year struck (it started two years ago, to be more precise, on that fateful Halloween). Hard.

(phew, the crying has subsided, I feel a tiny bit better) -- ok, gotta go feed those two adorable boys. Hopefully I'll be able to finish later without a hitch (2:09 pm, we had a late breakfast, ok? :-) All right, 2:48, we're done eating).

I think it's just my brain's way to try to cope with the previous "unfortunate events," not only the house situation, but the latest things that shook me to my core and are partly unbloggable.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~
And then there's the weather, the seasons...

All of a sudden, from last week to this one, it seems, mornings and evenings became chilly. Today is a perfect "fall day" with the sun shining brightly and the sky a perfect blue. And these things... this very same gorgeous day, terrify me! And I feel the tears welling up all over again as I continue writing.

I was already planning ahead a bit last night with K since we'll be home this fall, through Spring. "We should turn on the space heater in the office," I said to K. But I'm dreading with all my might feeling chilly every single day for over six months (being skinny is really a problem in winter, I'm always cold, particularly my feet and hands, which makes me feel miserable). I'm not even going to say I wish we could afford to keep the thermostat higher (it's usually around 60-63, 59 or lower when we're not home) because that would mean polluting the environment way more! And then I have to feel guilty for taking long hot showers and using up lots of oil as well as polluting more, so I do it every other day. It's infuriating! I'm tired of having to endure cold weather and bare trees for six months. That's not what my life was like for nearly 25 years, only for the last 13 and I don't think I'll ever get used to it. Particularly not with a constantly chilly house. :-(

And that (coupled with the troubling church problems) is when it hits me. Hard, again.

What in the world are we doing here in this country again? What? Why are we here?

My mom asked those questions over and over as she saw how devastated I was with the church/school thing (she was actually angry. And I didn't have a good, convincing answer to give her. I felt -- as I've been feeling all along -- that in spite of the few problems and setbacks, that I'm happy with my life in this country, that I enjoy living here, that that's where I'm/we're meant to be right now. I'm no longer convinced of this, though. My despondent attitude about the future -- something so unlike me! -- is a strong indicator that perhaps we should seriously consider giving up our expatriate life. I'm nearly giving up. I keep saying I want to wait "four more years" for the citizenship, but... is it worth it?

Perhaps the days will pass and I will somehow recapture my joy of living, my positive attitude towards the future. Perhaps this will really be a mild winter as some forecasters indicate (K told me that they're saying it'll be another "El Niño" Winter) and that our 40 day trip to Brazil will help, but, right now, I'm not looking forward to anything. Frankly.

I can also blame it on the upcoming cyberschooling and the pressure that K is putting on me to "have a real schedule and real school days" or it'll all go down the drain. I'm confident that the boys and I can handle it, that the content of 2nd grade (perhaps some 3rd grade materials if it all becomes to easy for Kelvin) and, most of all, kindergarten are manageable and won't take that many hours a day (in school last year the kids would be done in less than 3 hours -- we did have less subjects, but still...). If you know me (I don't know how much I've written about this on the blog, probably quite a bit), you'll know that I DREAD routine, schedules, systematic daily planning and K has been making me feel awful by emphasizing these very things.

So, yeah, all these things combined... the fact that we just had the hardest problem of our lives (the whole house situation and all the fall out from K having decided to quit his job last year) then all these church troubles this summer have taken their toll on us. Poor K is going to have three jobs this Fall (his regular postdoc gig, adjunct teaching at a local university, and consulting to another researcher) so we can try to climb out of the hole we find ourselves in (some debt) and the pressure on me to deliver on the house/ home/cyber school front is almost unbearable. I frankly don't know if I can handle it the way K expects me to. And that is killing me too. It's just too much and I can't shake the depression, the negative feelings and the dread about the future. I can't even feel any anticipatory joy about the trip to Brazil! I can only think of how we can manage to pay the airfare (even though it's not that bad, with the two award travel tickets and all).

Sigh. I'm sorry for the terribly long and negative post. I can't even say it helped to write it. I'll have K read it, poor guy, since I can't talk about some of these things without going almost berserk (oh, boy! I could swear it was "beserk" not berserk -- oh, how I hate these little mistakes I make in any language, not just English, Portuguese too... I generally pride myself in my almost flawless spelling -- ha ha ha, just to show I don't know anything).

All right, let me hit publish before I change my mind (just kidding).

Lost & Found

Last week was a really intense week, no wonder things ended up getting lost. The one thing I lost and which cannot be easily replaced (for what I previously paid and can afford) is Linton's swim shirt or rash guard (with UV protection) which I'd found with much difficulty here and had bought using a coupon for 50% off. We last saw it at the park on Monday night when I helped him change into dry clothes. My mom bought a replacement today (here), but it's not as nice as the other one. We really need these shirts for our vacation in Brazil at the end of the year since we'll be spending lots of time in the water...

Here's the week in a nutshell: my sister-in-law and nephews had been visiting since the previous Friday and besides having to endure hanging out with four boys we went to a lake on Sunday (photo on right) and Sesame Place on Monday and Wednesday (Tuesday was needed as a break).

So I think that it was understandable that on Wednesday night, after a long day at the park with two young boys (3 and almost 5) plus their cousins and auntie (me), my sister-in-law didn't realize that she had left one of our bags (the bag was mine, but she was using it) behind in the parking lot when she drove off to pick us up (we got lost from them leaving the park again, the same as on Monday and only met them in the parking lot later). We only realized her mistake when we got home and began to unload the car. The worst part of it was not the little bit of cash we'd left in there or our driver's licenses (a big hassle, but replaceable), but the video camera and the camera with the photos (I'll share some of them later, the ones with Big Bird and Elmo are adorable ;-). We were really upset and could hardly sleep, so early the next morning SIL and I drove once more to the park, over an hour before its opening time (we just wished we'd managed to get there so early with four boys in the previous days!), to try to find it.On the way there I called security, which informed me that the bag had not been found! :-( We decided to go ask anyway and we proceeded to the customer service booth outside the entrance. The girl (it was really a young high school girl like every single person working at that park, save for some security guards) went and looked and said that the bag was not there. We then asked her to bring us the form for lost and found items (I'd already filled it on Wednesday reporting our lost shirt) and she left. We were there waiting and lamenting for the thousandth time the lost things and photos (my nephews' swim shirts would not be easily replaced either ;-) when we heard a voice behind us (to the side) saying: "Is it this one?"

We turned around and saw the girl who had opened a door to the side of the booths and there was our bag!! I was so happy I had to give her a hug while we thanked her. She said she'd looked at a different place. Phew! What a relief! We could hardly believe how lucky we were, given that we'd already given the bag up for lost and had lamented the oversight endlessly. We walked away giddily, taking photos, asking this girl to take a picture of us:What a relief! SIL even placed the bag in front of the park sign so we could record our great recovery:And now, to end the post "Elmo's World" style (imagine this in Elmo's annoying voice), I have a question for... you:

What have you lost and, perhaps, found (or not) that was a direct consequence of having so many things to worry about as a mother out and about with your kids?

Scratched & Bitten

I don't blog as much as I should about him because -- in the end -- I do blog very little about my "children" (and I do see him as my "child" and I'm weird in that I see my plants as my "babies" too :-). Perhaps I shouldn't even call myself a "mommy-blogger." I'm just a mother who happens to blog...

Anyway... longtime readers will know that I, ok, we have a cat and that I'm a big cat lover. I had to take Blues to get shots today (something that was, like, 3-4 years overdue, I'm ashamed to admit & I was breaking the law too, yikes) and something pretty unfortunate happened. I took him to a pet store because the reason why I hadn't gotten him vaccinated before was that we really couldn't/can't afford vet visits (he was a pampered guy in his first 3 years of life, going to the vet regularly and all, but then, again, he was my first "child" and we could afford it back then when we were both graduate student with only a tiny mortgage payment).

So, I went to the pet store and had to wait in line for over an hour. With various dogs and cats, but mainly dogs. Blues has never ever interacted with dogs, my friends, so he was very stressed out in his carrier. He hissed several times and began to get more worked up as we neared the vaccination table. So, no wonder he was absolutely freaked out when we tried to hold him to be vaccinated and then he scratched an bit me. The first time was ok, but the second was pretty serious. The veterinarian had me apply peroxide to the wounds, two of which promptly started to swell (two puncture wounds in my right arm where he bit). I got home and washed it well and applied an antibiotic spray. The problem is that now my arm is hurting quite a bit and it continues swollen. I went to a birthday party after the event and some people suggested that the bite probably hurt the muscle, which is swollen and achy. There 's no sign of infection (redness) and the wounds are fully closed. I'll call the doctor's office/nurse tomorrow just in case...

I don't even know why I'm blogging this... perhaps to commiserate a bit and get some sympathy because it's a normal human reaction to pain. The real problem looming in the background of my life right now is a bit too overwhelming and too hard and complicated to explain. Not fully unbloggable, but... well... almost so (the facts were, indeed, blogged here last week).

Last Friday the boys and I went to orientation at their new cyberschool and we enjoyed it. I'm starting a new blog about this, but I haven't posted much there (see my profile for link). Class starts tomorrow at Kelvin's old school, but cyberschool doesn't start until the 8th. As soon as the books come in we'll begin some work, though. I can't wait!

I guess that in the end I'm writing about this literal scratching and biting because I feel scratched and bitten inside too. And I hope all these wounds heal soon.

Edited to Add: I went to the doctor, got a tetanus shot and will have to take antibiotics for ten days. I'm going to take lots of yogurt and acidophilus supplement alongside that (because antibiotics also kills the good bacteria in the body)!

"We'll get you fixed up"

That's what the navy blue clad (male) nurse said to my dad and several other patients at the emergency room examining beds this afternoon. I had to take my dad to the ER because he had a terrible rash that was spreading around his neck, legs, arms, and even his scalp and, today, his foot!

We suspect it was poison ivy or oak because precisely one week ago he spent a few hours weeding a flower bed at our church (it looked terrible and since I was cleaning the church that week -- my only source of income lately, and only once a month :-( I asked him to help) and the rash started (small and not as itchy) on Sunday. I feel bad because I asked him to weed, but there was no way of knowing these 2 things: (1) that there was some poison plant there and (2) that he was allergic to it. I helped and the boys did too and none of us got rashes. I had no idea that only some people were allergic to poison ivy! I thought anyone would have a reaction, is that really so? (that's what the ER doctor told me).

In any case, I wanted to take my dad to a family doctor (or even to a dermatologist -- that's what one would do in Brazil, go straight to the specialist, no problem -- it's not like that here, but more on this in future posts) and not to the E.R. but none of the providers that I called would accepted his travel health insurance! I called the claims department at the health insurance and the lady said that the providers should be able to take it and that probably hospitals would. I only decided that this was the only way after one doctor's office receptionist told me to go to the E.R. and that they would accept the insurance. I called the hospital and the E.R. and, sure enough, they said they'd take it. Phew! I guess small practices cannot afford to deal with certain insurance companies...

I didn't want to go to the E.R. because I've heard horror stories of endless waiting, etc, although my two experiences were back in 2003 with one year old Kelvin (who was wheezing) and they weren't bad. This latest "adventure" was truly excellent! We were only there for around two hours and they were very nice and helpful. Better yet, they took his insurance information and didn't ask anything! I can't write more because I need to go get my dad his prescription medications right now (I think he'll have to pay for those in full :-( ).

Now, if only this country's healthcare system could get fixed up too!

Nightmare Mostly Over

For several days I lived through a thick, agonizing "nightmare" of a situation, but now it's mostly over and I can begin to breathe again.

I'm not going over the details because there are too many clearly unbloggable issues, but I almost had to give up my cherished (if also feared) plan of home/cyber schooling the boys this year because people wanted my husband to chair the school board. This would require that our sons go back to school there. I could not accept that, though... it was a sacrifice I wasn't willing to make. At all. K tried a compromise (having me volunteer several days a week so it wouldn't be too different from last year), but that suggestion was not accepted, so I our previous decision still stands.

I don't feel fully relieved yet, but hopefully things will get better -- not just for us, but for everyone -- after the intense, confusing past month. So, I won't be working at the margins again, I'll be at the center of my sons' lives, and hopefully, we'll have a great school year at home and not at school.

Time to Post Again...

I'm sorry if I've abandoned my blog for a little while. If you'd been wondering if there was something going on, well, there was/is. Don't worry, it has nothing to do with our family, we're all well, enjoying the grandparents' visit, trying to survive the super humid hot days and all. We still worry about my uncle who is very weak, but there's nothing we can do about his situation but pray...

So, there's been quite a bit of turmoil lately involving church. And since church is such a big part of our lives we end up getting very wrapped up in all of that unwelcome turmoil. I don't usually blog these things, but this time I'll just mention it quickly. In a nutshell, our young (and inexperienced) pastor just got laid off after short 16 months on the job. We were shell-shocked and outraged, especially because of the politics and the people who were against him and behind the end of his employment. It's complicated, so that's all I'm going to say about that...

He and his wife are good friends of ours and our kids love(d) to play with their kids (a boy and girl, ages 6 and almost 5 -- like Linton). Anyhow, last weekend we had a farewell party for them at our house and that was a lot of work but also very nice. They go back to Canada in two days (he grew up here in the States, but his wife is from Québec)... And there's a lot more that I'm not going to blog because it probably does not interest you in the least and it's also a bit too personal... issues that get complicated because I'm a grandaughter and daughter (oh, and daughter & sister-in-law) of pastors and church organization and politics issues are just tiring and BLAH for me...

So, I'm finally posting to see if I can get back into the swing of things here in blogland. It's so interesting to me how comfortable I feel writing and sharing here instead of doing so at facebook! There I just kind of hide a bit. I comment on friends' posts, but hardly ever write on my own wall. I feel super exposed there... just too many people in my contact list from all "sides" of my life. So, yeah... that's some of what's been going on in our lives.

Next week we'll be busy with the kids. My SIL is coming from Maryland and on Monday and Tuesday (or Wed. if there's a rain day) we're going to Sesame Place with the boys. The first and (thankfully) last time because my boys don't even care for Sesame Street that much anymore! Well, just enough to get them excited about the park. The younger cousins (almost 5 and 3) will probably enjoy more. It'll be fun, but super exhausting for the two mamas, I'm sure. But WAAY better than taking them by myself anywhere.

The mama thing that I dread the most (and which I've done countless times in the past 7 years) is taking them to playgrounds by myself. Is there anything more B.O.R.I.N.G in a mother's life? I doubt it. Two weeks ago when we were in MD, the one time we went to the playground (SIL and I) was so productive! We talked about a zillion things, planned our trip to Brazil, got K to buy his plane ticket (to go with BIL's family), etc.

Mothers of the world, unite! (hahaha) Yeah, that's why I blog. To overcome the loneliness and the boredom that come with motherhood.

Dear internet, will you promise you'll help me not to lose my mind in this upcoming cyber-schooling year? I'm truly afraid of losing my mind. Perhaps I should start a new blog "My year of cyber schooling"-- blah, what a boring title! But, really, maybe I should. That would keep that theme from taking over this blog (as if ANY single theme can take up this blog -- our lives are just too lively and crazy for that? Or at least have been up to now).

OK, gotta go. Thanks for listening. The two of you who are still out there checking my pathetic blog out ;-).
(27 minutes, that's how long it took to write the post, and why it's not so well written)

Sometimes Being a Mother Makes Things So Much Harder...

I was really moved by this today:


Edited to add: In my browser (Mozilla Firefox) I get the right video, but perhaps you don't so if you don't get the story of the return of the two American journalists from North Korea, here's the direct link, I hope that works. Thanks, Anjali!

I'm so glad that they're back home! I cannot imagine the pain of being kept forcefully away from one's family, and especially one's young child, for five long months! I cried along Euna Lee as she was reunited with her daughter.

My greatest nightmare in life is the unthinkable idea that I might be taken away from my sons and that they'd have to grow up without me. I cannot think too much about this because I just get overcome with despair and fear.

The day that we drove home from the hospital with our first born was a magical day, but it was also a surprisingly scary one. I never imagined how scary the world would feel like after I had this fragile, precious human being to care for. Yes, becoming a parent does change everything, doesn't it?

Blogging for Bliss

This post is a shout out to my friend Zee whose beautiful blog Pixie Blossoms is featured in a lovely brand new book by Tara Frey, Blogging for Bliss. Congratulations, Zee, it's great to see you included in the book, and thanks for mentioning me in your post. I'm glad that I was able to meet you through blogging and I hope that someday we get to meet in person so our sons (who are exactly the same ages!!) can play together while we talk to our heart's content.

Oh, and last but not least, Zee has gorgeous things for sale in her Etsy shop! I'm the happy owner of a tote bag and will purchase more in the future! ;-)

Brazil, Here We Go!

We finally bought our tickets to go to Brazil in December. YAY!! I can't wait...

Because two of the tickets are award travel, the boys and I will "have" to stay 40 days there so I could get a slightly cheaper airfare (still very expensive) -- I'm not complaining at all! K is worried about the cyber schooling, but I think we'll be fine. We'll just have to take all the books with us :-( and make sure we log in every single day and do the work.

The best part is that K is joining us for 20 days (he's traveling with his brother's family, through Mexico -- a great deal)! There'll be a wedding in January (K's oldest cousin on his mother's side), and, before that, several days at two different hot water parks with brother-n-law, SIL & nephews (1st park) and K's family and extended family (2nd park/resort)!! I just hope it's not too hot (it'll be summer) to enjoy the hot water springs...

I don't know yet where we'll be at Xmas, probably in Paraná with my mom's extended family. Oooh, I love to plan trips. But I DREAD having to pack and the crazy busyness of the days right before the trip. I feel sick just thinking about it... Maybe I can plan ahead this time (I know I'll always leave things for the last minute, though, it's hopeless... :-( ). I shouldn't let my aprehension about the packing and getting ready to travel dampen my enthusiasm, right?

Going to warm and sunny Brazil in the middle of winter?
Priceless!!

Summing up the Summer

These flowers kind of sum up my summer -- they're beautiful, but they don't last long enough :-). The heat wave from last week subsided a bit and the deliciously cooler nights are already making me sad and frantic -- I don't want the summer to end!!

In any case, the title doesn't much anything to do with what I intend to write here. I just want write two things:

1) Say thank you to Articulate Dad and Aliki for writing incisive comments on my previous post. I needed to hear that, my friends, I have to stop whining and start showing the real satisfaction that I derive from my choices (haven't I said over and over again how much I love spending time with my boys?). And I have to remind myself that I don't have to "use" the PhD for anything, that I learned so much already, that I remain passionate for the things I learned and that, perhaps, in due time, I'll be able to find a way to share those things and that passion with the world.

2) I LOVE the new feed blog list. It saves me a lot of time and it's quite efficient because I don't go clicking aimlessly at blogs anymore just to find the same old posts there. I can quickly read new posts and comment (if I want to). I should have done that a long time ago!

I thought I had a third thing, but I forgot! So I'll come back later for it, OK?

I Finally Gave In...

... And added a blogroll with a feed reader so I don't have to waste time clicking around the links in my old blogroll.

Hopefully this new development won't make me spend even more time reading blogs! :-)

We're back home after spending 3 days in Maryland. My uncle is recovering, but not doing too well -- his heart rate varies wildly and he needs a pacemaker ASAP (doctors say that they will insert one within a month) -- so he remains in the ICU. :-( Keep those prayers coming, please!

After taking almost a month to watch the Persepolis DVD (I liked the books better than the movie, as usual ;-) I decided to use the instant playback feature of Netflix and see another film, this time La Vie En Rose, about Edith Piaf's life. Too bad my BIL's wireless router is misbehaving and I watched the film in like 5 or 6 installments, 2 last night, 4 this morning. In the end, I kinda liked watching a film fragmentarily like that! This was a sad & beautiful film and Marillon Cotillard definitely earned her Academy Award. I hope K & I find a way to watch the AA winner from this year, which we've had from Netflix for about two weeks :-(.

OK, boring old post, boring old blog. I continue on, just because of myself 'cause this is a useless blog, it's a bit lesse useless than the PhD, that's all. I still have a handful of readers, but other than that, it's not taking me anywhere (I mean, no ad money, just a couple hundred bucks, no illusions of being a writer, much less an academic). Not that I'm making REAL effort for any of these things to happen, right?

Sorry, I'm not going through a good phase right now at all. I need to find more things to make me feel useful and valued -- other than being a good mama & wife (No, I'm NOT a good "housewife/homemaker," in case you're wondering, that much I alreay know). This is not going to happen any time soon, though... right now I need to continue the mama thing because I believe that it's best for my sons. It's tiring, tough, and crushing at times. That's why I cannot quit blogging, it is my lifeline. And that's why I blog so little about my sons here, they're already too central in my life and I need to focus on me a little bit too (or a lot, I guess ;-).

All rightie, that's enough for now.