100 things part II: 50 things about my personal life

I’m leaving the “baby part” of our lives out on purpose, that can make for more interesting posts in the future!

1. My parents, both of them Brazilian (dad of German descent, mom of mixed European), got married pretty “late” (he - 30, she - 27) for the late 1960s in Brazil.

2. After they were married for 9 months, they went to France to study abroad for 3 years.

3. My mom took classes in Geneva, Switzerland, which was only 7 km (4.3 miles) away from the part of France where they lived.

4. They accidentally got pregnant, and I was born in Geneva because my mom had free student health insurance from the University

5. She wasn’t able to finish her specialization with Jean Piaget because of me (but she claims she applied in me all the cognitive psychology she learned : )

6. I always hated having been born in Switzerland because there they don’t give (at least didn’t) the Swiss nationality to children of foreigners who are born there (“cats born in the oven aren’t bread” they said).

7. So, I am Brazilian, as if I had been born in the Brazilian consulate in Switzerland.

8. However, throughout my life when people learned I had been born in Geneva they would invariably say that I was Swiss.

9. When I was a kid I got extremely upset by this, and fiercely insisted, “No, no, no, I’m not Swiss, I’m Brazilian.”

10. To this day I don’t like to tell people where I was born, I only say I’m Brazilian. It’s annoying to have to tell them the whole story and have them say “Oh, really? You’re really not Swiss?” “NO, duh!”

11. Now I joke that they “refused to have me and don’t know what they’re missing” or something kind of bitter like that.

12. (At least my sons are both American and Brazilian, I haven’t created that kind of problem for them)

13. (I used to get upset at my mom for not giving birth to me in France but then in 1998, when Brazil lost the World Cup to France, I was happy she didn’t : ) [soccer is a national passion for Brazilians, as you may know]

14. My parents went back to Brazil when I was 1 and ½. I didn’t even learn French (I heard them speaking it at home while I was growing up when it was supposed to be a secret, and started to pick it up after a while)

15. My mom was 30 and my dad 33 when I was born.

16. My younger brother and I always wanted to have kids much younger than that, because my parents used to say they felt too “old” to keep up with teenagers.

17. I was 30 when my oldest was born, my brother is 31 and he doesn’t have kids yet.

18. I think it’s not bad at all to have kids older, and my kids’ friends’ parents will probably be my age (not the case with me – e.g. my husband’s mom is 11 years younger than mine).

19. I moved a few times when I was growing up, mostly within the Southern state of Paraná.

20. The five best years (from 8-13 years old) were when my parents worked at a boarding academy in the countryside, in a farming area. I loved to see the different crops (soybeans, wheat – beautiful, corn), and to roam free in the woods with my friends or alone. It was perfect.

21. We then moved to the huge city of São Paulo, one of the largest in the world, and there I lived for almost 11 years.

22. I met my husband when I was taking the bus home from the university one afternoon (March 30, 1990). We took the same bus – he had recently started working at the school were my parents worked.

23. We both went to the same university (Universidade de São Paulo, USP, it’s the largest in Brazil, perhaps Latin America, I’m not sure).

24. I was in my 1^st year when we met and he in his 3^rd (We’re the same age, but he was 16-17 when he got into college, I was 18 ½)

25. He was my first boyfriend, and vice-versa. Yeah… I know… that boring “I’ve waited for the right person to come along” kind of thing.

26. We had a great group of friends, in the university and the school where we both worked. Those were 5 great years (it took us that long to graduate – in Brazil most young people work part time while going to college, and that makes it harder to do it in 4 years).

27. We were teachers, he taught math and physics (middle and high school) and I taught English, mostly to kids (elementary school).

28. We got married the year we graduated from college (December 1994). We were both 23.

29. Before we got married we already knew we wanted to travel abroad, so we didn’t buy expensive/good furniture or anything, just the basics.

30. We wanted to go to an English speaking country for my husband to learn it and because as an English teacher, a “living abroad” experience would be great for me.

31. Our first option was England, but that didn’t work out.

32. My husband’s uncle lived in the U.S. and gave us advice on what to do (get a student VISA for my husband to come learn English at a community college).

33. So, after we’d been married for 1 year and a half we sold most of our stuff in Brazil, stored the rest in my parents’ house and came.

34. We arrived on June 20, 1996.

35. That first year was tough. We basically spent most of 5 years worth of savings we brought from Brazil.

36. Then we were offered a sponsorship from a Brazilian college to get our Masters’.

37. After a year, we both decided to go for our Ph.D.s since we would be able get assistantships.

38. In 1999 I was able to spend a month and a half alone in France, studying French in the same place my parents were going to school when I was born.

39. I did a “pilgrimage” to the hospital in Geneva on my birthday. At least now at 28 I knew the place where I had been born. It didn’t make much of a difference in my life, of course : )

40. In 2000 we did an awesome backpacking trip in Europe. We mostly camped, and traveled by train. We got to visit 10 big cities (Paris, Barcelona, Geneva, Florence, Rome, Venice, Salzburg, Munich, Berlin, Amsterdam) and some other places.

41. We are total museum and historic churches/ places rats. We visited everything we had the time to cram into our days. It was awesome.

42. (Traveling, that’s how I plan to spend all our money whenever we have some again : )

43. Last year my husband got his Ph.D. and we moved from MA to PA after 8 years there.

44. In all these years abroad, I’ve gone back to Brazil a lot.

45. Three times with hubby: Dec. 97-8 (his brother’s wedding), June 99, Aug. 01(my brother’s wedding); Twice by myself: Aug. 98, Jan. 01; with hubby and Kelvin: Dec. 03-4; me and the two boys Feb-March 05.

46. We have another wedding this year in December, and this trip will make 8 trips to Brazil in 10 years for me, not bad!

47. Our parents visit quite often, particularly in the last 3 years because of the grandchild(ren)

48. Almost every time I went back I had to get/renew a student VISA, a TERRIBLE hassle, not to mention expense. (I can’t believe I have to do it again in December).

49. Being an expatriate is not easy, but I enjoy every minute of it (except those spent in the American Consulate).

50. My parents only did it for 3 years, but I they ended up setting me up for it, and boy, don’t they probably regret it! (They want us to go back, of course…)

What next? I don’t know… and I like this not knowing, it keeps us young, and dreamy. Except that one day we’ll have to settle down in either country, and start living more than dreaming, and getting old… ah, that, we already do, whether we know what we’re doing with our lives or not : )

100 things part I: 50 things about blogging

I first saw this seemingly common "100 things" post a few weeks ago in Wet Feet, then, last week I encountered it again in the archives of American Family. Those are the only two I've read.

First I thought I'd write only about the boring topic of "things I learned reading blogs, blogging and thinking about blogging". After I got started, I decided to write personal stuff as well, more in the way of the original 100 posts I'd read. So I divided the list in two, since it's ridiculously long anyway. I'm too prolix, unfortunately. And I use too many adverbs, it's pathetic. Really.

Without further ado, here it is:

1. Blog reading and blogging are addictive.

2. Blogging makes you live composing blog posts in your head, like Dawn quoted from someone else here. “If, as you live your life, you find yourself mentally composing blog entries about it, post this exact same sentence in your weblog.”

3. I keep composing these “entries” in my mind, but never get to post them.

4. That’s one of the reasons why I decided to do this 100 things list.

5. I’ve learned so much from blogging that it’s hard to list.

6. A second strong reason to do the list post!

7. The first blog I ever read was Invisible Adjunct, but it didn’t get me blogging.

8. Then I read a former teacher’s blog about his experience in Japan (Found in Translation) and got curious.

9. Reading This Woman’s Work fascinated me and soon after I started the blog.

10. I read all the blogs in my blogroll, that’s why it’s not a really long list.

11. Before adding someone I usually read or browse through most of their blog archives first.

12. The obvious (though it took me a while to realize this): there are “cliques” or niches in blogosphere (even inside the “mama blogs”). E.g. adoption, infertility, academics, politics (never read those), etc.

13. People in cliques usually blogroll each other, but not very often other people

14. I like to be “eclectic” in my tastes, and not to try to hang out only with “the likes of me” in blogosphere.

15. That way I can learn something too, even though I know some people from “other cliques” will never care to read me.

16. I just updated my blogroll, trying to classify the blogs I read into some of these “cliques” or areas out there (in my own way, of course).

17. It may, or may not be true, but I have a feeling that “Typepad” people tend to prefer/attract other typepad people.

18. I find the tiny piece of “blog gossip” I’ve come across fascinating (i.e. Dawn said that Chez miscarriage withdrew her archives because of a “secret” book deal – as a result, I started reading her blog – I had already read the great “mommy drive-by” thing, but not gone back)

19. At first I was a bit taken aback by her “celebrity status” in blogosphere, and the hordes of faithful commenters who believed everything she said, but then I “got it”. I mean, she’s really insightful, and her wry, sarcastic humor is refreshing (if not depressing at times). I’ll read her book.

20. (As some of you know, I’m the biggest fan of Catherine Newman and her “column”. I bought her book and went to a reading. I have yet to read the two books by “Philly mamas” Andrea Buchanan and Miriam Peskowitz, I check their blogs once in a while)

21. One of the things, I learned the most about in blogosphere is adoption.

22. I had “lightly” considered adopting in the past but now, in light of all I know I think it wouldn’t work for our family.

23. From Dawn (This Woman’s Work) I learned that a domestic open adoption is a very complex thing, which can also be profoundly beautiful (in spite of the sadness).

24. I learned from Kateri (Wet Feet) a bit (just the tip of the iceberg, I’m sure) of what being a birth-mother feels like.

25. I have been deeply touched by these women’s stories and feel grateful they have shared them through blogging.

26. I also learned about the pressure young mothers feel to give up their babies (and found/read Allison’s Crews beautiful essay), felt broken hearted about it, and saddened by her death.

27. I gladly found out about other expatriate moms/ multicultural family bloggers and felt/feel enriched by their experience.

28. I finally felt “part” of something when some of them started to read (comment on) my blog (big thanks to you, Kate, Stella’s mami, “Sophie”, and Sandra).

29. This is probably the small “clique”, or “niche” I belong to. Oh, and because of them I got encouraged to comment on other blogs as well.

30. I sought after some academic mama blogs, and started to read them, but I don’t really “belong”, I guess, at least not yet.

31. Part of it is probably because of my ambivalent feelings about academia, as I have already posted about. I usually care more about personal matters than academic ones

32. (and I have to finish writing a dissertation, instead of keeping a blog, I don’t know how I’ll do it, but I hope I can : )

33. I am aware now that I may not get a job in academia because I blog (or, if I’m a nanny and my employer reads my blog, I could be fired : )

34. Oh, yes, and I know now that being fired for a blog is to be “dooced”

35. I wonder everyday whether I should edit my blog and make it anonymous. (should I even use my kids’ names here? I don’t know)

36. I definitely like non-anonymous blogs better, though. Why hide?

37. This is no reason to stop reading anonymous blogs, I realize.

38. In spite of the apparent threat, I don’t actually fear for my future employment or anything like that because of blogging.

39. What I am a bit afraid of is “trolls”, or being attacked via comments, but I doubt that will ever happen.

40. (I’ve found it is a “mixed blessing” when that happens, because it can bring tons of attention and readership and to one’s blog)

41. I’ve always been an over-sensitive person, and I might feel really hurt, even though it’s just stuff going in on in “virtual space”.

42. That’s probably why I’m always careful not to share too much, to try to choose my words carefully.

43. I’m already “the other” being a foreigner, why risk being attacked?

44. Risk what? Perhaps it’s just foolishness to be afraid, I should be able to speak my mind, talk more about myself here.

45. I’m afraid of not having things to say, or not having good arguments… or something to “contribute.”

46. It’s the academic in me who’s feeling the pressure to be always doing “new” things. But isn’t that true for “creative writing”, literature, in general (not just academics)?

47. I wish I could be a good writer, but I earnestly don’t think I am.

48. I’m not concise enough, I just “blabber on” (you know that thing about “showing, but not telling”? I only tell everything. I explain too much, can’t be artistic enough)

49. (All right, that’s why I am a “comparatist”, after all, and not a “Fine Arts” writing major)

50. I guess blogging is not completely useless. Here’s a “funny” thing my husband said to our best friends from Brazil about my blog: “We’re so busy that I have to read her blog so I can ‘talk’ to her.” So I’ll keep “talking” to whoever wants to listen.

I’m sure there were more things I had to say about blogging, writing, and what I learned but I’ll stop here, and move on to the more “juicy” personal stuff : )

Mama worries/ Afraid of what?

Quick update on baby's health. I think I figured what he has, since he's brother had it and we only found out weeks later: roseola. This common baby illness goes like this: a high fever for 3-5 days with baby cheerful and normal, then, a mild rash that lasts for 24 hours and then disappears, with an incredibly grumpy baby (I'm almost quoting from The Portable Pediatrician :) Thing is, his fever wasn't that high, and lasted for 2 days. He does have a rash, and has been very grumpy. I just hope it disappears by this afternoon, then it will have been roseola. I know, I could just call the doctor, but... if he does have roseola, there's nothing that can be done. He looks OK, just doesn't care too much for eating (nurses a lot), and can't play by himself for too long (is clingy).

Change of subject. I have spent several hours in the past two days writing an insanely long "100 things" post (I've seen it in a couple of blogs and thought it looked interesting). Now, however, I don't know if I really want to post it, I'm chickening out. I just don't know what is it that I'm afraid of. I feel so silly! Blogging is a funny thing, we do it because we want to, nobody is forcing us to write about ourselves, but sometimes it feels weird, it doesn't feel "right" in a sense. I hope I can bring myself to post that soon, in spite of the fact that it is way too long.

I did it!

OK, I know nothing of HTML, but I edited my blogroll, yay!!

And it doesn't look that bad either, does it? I just need to put a line or space between each title, but I'll do that later...

Mad at blogger

Just a quick rant...

I had just beautifully edited my blogroll, with categories, etc... (I'm an addicted "classifier", I wish I could classify my posts too, but here in blogger I have to do it manually)

Anyway, I lost it all, because I didn't realize I wasn't logged into Blogger (the window had been open since last night). I know, partly my fault, but... I'll blame it on blogger, of course :)

I have been working on several posts. Hopefully they'll come out of the oven soon...

Teething baby, helping a friend, high heat and humidity

That's what's been going on here. Linton has at least one tooth (a molar) coming through, and I think (and hope, at least) that this is what's causing the fever he's had on and off (but mostly on) for 48 hours. He's also nursing a lot, not eating much, and very, very clingy and whiny. I guess we just need to hang in there, Stella's mami :)

I've also been helping this Brazilian friend we met at a local playground almost a year ago. She has twins, a boy and a girl, only 5 months older (but MUCH taller :) than Kelvin (my 3 year old). She can't speak much English, can't drive, doesn't know any other Brazilians in the area and now that her(American) husband has to be 6 weeks away working (alternating with 6 weeks at home) she needs a lot of help. Her husband's relatives and her neighbor often give her a hand, but this week I bought groceries for her, and took her and her kids to the store -- it was "fun", 4 kids (running and screaming) and two moms. Today we also spent part of the day together. It's good for Kelvin, since he doesn't have many friends, and even better for the twins, since they just spent 6 months in Brazil and miss their friends and school from there.

It continues to be TERRIBLY hot here, and we haven't been outside very often, only late in the evening (right when the mosquitoes want to eat us alive :) The good thing is the delicious tomatoes we're getting from our garden! Once in a while we do get to go out. This evening, for example, we went to the Scott Arboretum, at the Swarthmore College, which is not very far from us. We often go to the beautiful Longwood Gardens, since we have a season pass (one of the best "investments" we made in our tight budget this year, because it's a gorgeous place to go with the kids, and it even has concerts free thoroughout the year, not that we've been able to catch many of them :) The other great thing about Longwood is the chance to take tons of beautiful pictures, one of which you've seen below . (if any of you would like to see a lot of pictures of our family, you can email me and I'll send you the links) Putting pictures online for family and friends to see is one of the most addictive things in my life -- of course now reading blogs is another, perhaps even "worse" addiction. There is a good post about this problem here. Academic coach also has a recent post about the "Voyeuristic Intimacy" experienced in blogging -- very interesting.


Last but not least, hubby's been working hard due to prospective applications. He's not feeling very confident, though, which is OK -- both are very long shots anyway. Conversely, I've been feeling highly motivated with my dissertation. I've recently found out other academics in Brazil working with the same subject, and we're getting in touch through email. Very encouraging! I'll keep you posted.

I'm still working on the promised "fun post", and I've been thinking of writing a bit about "social class and blogging", or doing one of those "list posts." I will soon update my blogroll -- I'm thinking of adding categories, this time. Will definitely have one for "Expatriate and/or Multicultural Family Mamas" -- any suggestions for a more fun "name" for this category? Speak quickly, because I think I'll do it soon! (I can always change it later, though :)

Just for the sake of posting...

I know, I haven't posted for over 10 days, even though I've been reading blogs as usual. I decided to break the silence, following swisslovebaby and expatmama, who recently posted (at least I know that they usually visit here : )

The past week or so two babies were born, and one adopted by people whose blogs I check regularly (chicagomama/incarcerated uterus had a baby daughter the same day her husband met their adopted daughter in China, the "famous" Chez Miscarriage finally had her son, who was born to the surrogate mom), and I've been following those...

Anyway... I've been quite busy with the boys and also with guests. After a weekend with an aunt, uncle and two cousins of my husband visiting, this week we have my mother-in-law with us. Kelvin is on cloud 9 (is that how you say it? I think in Portuguese we just say he's in the clouds, or something), because he LOVES to be around people, particularly family. My parents should be here in a month or so, because I finally decided I was going to ask them for help to try to finish my dissertation. Can't write about that too much, my mom might read this : ) It will definitely be great for Kelvin, probably not so great for me, because I'll have no excuse whatsoever not to work.

Let me change the subject, quick, before I get too upset. Things have been happening that might have future consequences. A university in Brazil has called my husband to do a short talk (it is a loooooong shot, but he's planning to go), he's also planning to apply to a university in Florida. We'll see... He needs to work really hard all this month to get things moving (publications, applications, etc).

It's been extremely hot and humid here. I think this is the very first summer in our 9 years in the US when we're using the AC most of the days. It does help that we live in a newer, more energy-efficient house, so it's not too expensive. Of course it'd be hard for the boys if we didn't use AC.

Last but not least, I've been working on a post that should -- hopefully -- be fun. I'll try to finish and post it soon, OK?

Enter toddler, exit baby

(edited to add picture)
Linton's walking. It's been a week now, but I'm still mistified by his pretty sure steps. All this week I'd be working at the computer, and then I'd hear this noise and wonder, who's that? Oh, yes, it's Linton walking by -- it does sound completely different from the softer noises made from crawling on the carpet, and different from Kelvin's more "mature" steps.

All right, I admit that by the "medical definition" (taking 3 steps) he's been walking for well over a month now (he actually took his first "3 steps" the day after the doctor told me this definition at the 12 month check-up), but my definition is a bit more comprehensive. For me, walking means walking not just from me to the sofa, or taking a few steps and then falling down, which he was doing a lot, but walking away from people, and walking, say, all the way from the living room to the kitchen. That only started last week, and he's already trying to "run" and jump. I thought he'd walk earlier than his brother, because he started crawling almost 2 months earlier, and was always very strong. I was actually wondering why he wasn't walking, since he knew how to, and his legs were (are) so strong that he could get up without support when sitting on the floor, and, when standing, squat and get right up again. I started to joke that he was a perfectionist, and only wanted to walk when he felt he'd be "perfect" at it. That's a "possibility" given how sure he looks now that he's doing it.

I'll miss my crawling baby, though, since they say now he's no longer a baby, but a toddler. And it's really amazing, but all of a sudden he's doing so much in such a short time! Saying new words everyday, pointing to objects, wanting to eat only by himself... And he does look like a whole new person now that he no longer needs to be a "quadruped", but can join the rest of his family in the biped world : )

I'm blogging, therefore I won't get a job in academia

Tonight I decided to google some words to try to find other dissertating (or recent Ph.D. graduate) mothers in blogosphere, and I was successful! I haven't yet read much of these blogs, but they look promising:ABDmom (a fellow All But Dissertation mother), Six Impossible Things Before Breakfast (a mother of two working on her dissertation), 11D (recent Ph.D. and mother). And I know there should be more out there.

Both SITBB and 11D mention a recent article in
The Chronicle of Higher Education that I don't know if I can link to here because I'm not a subscriber (you could get there from the above mentioned blog entries). The title is pretty scary: "Bloggers Need Not Apply" and I once again think that I have no future as an academic. No, not because I blog, but because reading about the process of hiring, interviewing, evaluating candidates, etc, makes me think again that I don't fit in. And the most important part - I don't really want to, or care too much [edited to add - see, if a search committee ever reads this, I'll be in deep trouble, right? You're supposed to "worship academia" and all it represents, I guess].

The difficult part with this whole academic "thing" is: I still have to go through the motions, the painful process of writing a dissertation, all for "nothing". Yes, because I do want to finish, even if I don't know if I'll get (or think I have any chance of getting) an academic job. Well, more on that later (I mean, in a future post).

The funny thing is that I have thought before about whether blogging could jeopardize my "academic career", and I've even written in an earlier post that probably nothing would happen to a graduate student. Well, maybe not. Oh, yeah, cyberspace can be "dangerous" in more ways than one realizes.

Birthday, visit from friends, busy translating - oh, and reading

I've been quite busy...

Last weekend we had two of our closest friends from Brazil staying with us for a little over 24h. Before staying up all night talking to them on Friday, we'd gone to bed really late in the previous days trying to get the house in shape (that's one of the things we love about guests - they "force" us to clean up the house!), then this week, I finally had some work to do - two translations (and I'm still not done, 2 more due on Friday), and I stayed up very late again for 2 nights. So... I'm a wreck, but - guess what - sleep can wait (a few more years, probably) because here I am, blogging away...

Should I mention that part of my late night working the past 2 days was due to the fact that I spent part of Sunday and ALL of Monday reading a book? Now, come on, don't chastise me, I haven't read a book of fiction of my own choice for years now... Everything I've read in the past 7 years was either for a class I was taking or for a class I was teaching.

The book I read was: I Don't Know How She Does It by Allison Pearson. I enjoyed it, it would be fun to read reviews and comments from the time it was published, since I'm coming to it soooo late (it's from 2002), but I have no time. I had read something about it because the author is writing a new book, and set up a website to collect experiences from women who want to contribute to it (Dawn linked to it): Women Doing It All.com. Then, coincidentaly, I came across the book at one of those "close out" stores, for 3.99, and couldn't resist. It just made me think that moms that stay at home also work a lot, and don't necessarily remember everything or have a clean or organized home either.

Last but not least, I had a birthday on the 7th. 7/7, that really made me like the number 7. No big celebration, since we were getting ready for our guests, but I enjoyed the day - went to a bookstore to get a scrapbooking and a gardening book. The first one is just for me to fantasize about scrapbooking (something I haven't done in 5 years, and intend to start again after I finish my dissertation as a consolation prize, ha ha ha :) and the second is to help me garden right now, and plan for next year.

Very boring post, I know... but that's what I've been doing. The boys are great, will post about them separately.

Expatriates, 9 years and counting

June 20 came and went, and this year I didn't even remember it was the "anniversary" of our arrival in the States in 1996. One of the reasons is that we no longer live in Massachusetts, the place we went to in the first place and lived in for 8 years. There, whenever June came around, we usually reminisced about our arrival, and looked back to the years since then, also wondering about what we'd do in the future.

Nine years is a long time, it's almost as long as we've been married (it'll be 11 years in December), almost a decade! We still feel connected to Brazil, especially to the friends we left there, they are still the best friends we have. We visit every year or two, family members come to visit often, we speak only Portuguese at home, but the deep, visceral saudade ("homesickness", longing, yearning, etc - this word is basically untranslatable) that we used to feel all the time now is almost gone. It only comes back once in a (long) while, like for example in the rare visits from close friends, when we realize how much we are missing in terms of wonderfully close, meaningful and enriching human interaction. That's what we're missing here. In these nine years we had few moments of real "fulfillment" in terms of friendships and interacting with people who are "kindred spirits."

Otherwise, our lives have been wonderful. We had many opportunities that we'd never have in Brazil (mostly for lack of money), like spending a month studying French in France (just me, in 1999), backpacking in Europe for a month (2000), visiting London for a week (2001), apart from the opportunity of getting a Ph.D. in a large university, and just living in the U.S., getting to learn and internalize its culture. Dreams come true, no doubt, but at what cost? Sometimes I feel our lives are pretty "empty", because of the lack in friendships.

And about the future? It's still up in the air. Right now we feel strongly that it would be great to go back to Brazil, but my husband would have to get a job in a public university, preferably in Sao Paulo state, and that's not very easy. On the other hand, it would be more "practical" to go back only after we had permanent residency, so we could come back easily, not having the hassle of Visas, etc. This would take at least 5 years or more to happen. How would it be to go back to live in Brazil after 13-15 years abroad? I'm sure it wouldn't be easy, but there at least we have family and friends, our "roots" -- we certainly have no kind of roots here, but that's the kind of choice immigrants have to make, right? Whoa, I used this word, immigrant, but I've never seen myself as one. I always felt it was only temporary, "We're just foreign students, we have to go back, we don't really want to stay here." I don't know if I feel the same way, even though I still have difficulty to see myself as an immigrant, and, technically, I'm not one either.

Technicalities aside, I guess I can say I would have no problem staying here. It's the "easy" way out, since in Brazil life is harder (less money, access to culture and arts, much more violence, insecurity), but when I think of our children, not growing up with the kinds of friendships we have in Brazil, when I think of ourselves, not having those friends around, I see a dreary future ahead. Not to mention our families -- what to do when our parents get really old and need our care?

I know, I know, there's nothing I can do about it right now, but those are the kinds of thoughts I entertain every single day of my life as an expatriate, and I imagine most people in my situation do too. The fact that I am a mother also puts a different spin on all these musings. Where do I want my sons to grow up? Do I want to provide them with the same kind of opportunities/experiences I had when growing up? How are they going to fell with respect to both countries and the choice I (we) make for them?

There are many, many more questions, and they linger in my mind whenever I think about our decisions, past and future ones. Back in 1996 we didn't really see them coming, all these questions and doubts, but they're all part of the process, after all, we chose to come here, and now we have to deal with it!
---------------------
Well, just before I forget, I'm not the only one looking back into the past and thinking about how life has been, Sophie has written an interesting entry about her experience as an expatriate, now back in her country.

MIT Survey

I participated, it was interesting. I prefer to think that I made some science than that I'm just a statistic (the other "label" I could have chosen. Well... I guess I am just a statistic, just someone else out here in virtual space... I'll try to post soon, I guess. Oh, yes, I decided to do the survey after seeing it in Kate's blog (Expat Mama). I hope she and her family have a good trip back. I have been busy with family/friends visiting, etc... but I'll write about it some other time.

two links: childhood memories, gardening and writing

Edited in Jan. 3rd 2007 to fix the link to Dawn's entry.
I couldn't help but link to this WONDERFUL post by Dawn (this woman's work) about childhood memories, letting children roam, also, about work, since play is children's work, which it the title of the post (Expatmama might like that, even though it's not totally related to her work discussion). It just helped me so much to think that children need unsupervised play, and it seems that I've been so involved with my children as a mother that I had forgotten how wonderful my own childhood was, with me and my brother playing freely everywhere (we lived in the countryside, our parents worked at a boarding academy, that was basically on a farm - we were soooo lucky!). Anyway, of course they are still young, but there will come a time that the best thing I can do for them is let them be on their own and figure things out...

The other post has to do with my recent gardening passion, and it was great to see someone writing about gardening and writing, it came in handy, I just don't know whether I'll have a "happy ending" to my story like Ericka! But I'll try to keep on writing and gardening (and certainly the second is much easier, I totally agree!)

Gardening 101 (edited )

I edited this in July adding pictures to the "body" of the post. I'll try to add some more later, then I can delete the other "picture-only" entries.

(I wrote the first part 11 days ago 6/7/05)

I have been spending quite some time taking care of my very first garden, and I'm so excited!!

In our first 4 years here in the U.S. we lived in rental apartments, then, we bought a condo (townhouse), but I could only "garden" in the patio, in containers, and I don't like container gardening too much. In that first house, even though we weren't supposed to, I planted tulip bulbs in the bare mulched space between our condo and the next (we had a corner unit), and a shasta daisy plant by the back patio wall. But I longed to plant vegetables, and more flowers, etc... I finally had the chance when we moved to the Philadelphia area last year and bought one side of a "twin" house, with a small front lawn, and a pretty big backyard.

The funny thing with me and gardening is that I'm TERRIBLE at taking care of house plants. My potted plants get neglected and end up dying, and, upon the birth of our first son, I figured he'd try to eat them anyway, so I gave up on them. Gardening outdoors, though, is a whole different story. I can easily water using a hose, I can enjoy being outside while I garden, I can be creative in using the space that I have, etc, etc...

I started small last year, planting a few perennial shrubs under our front bay window with the help of my mom and dad who were still here (see picture). Then, in (very) late fall, I planted tulip and crocus bulbs in front of the shrubs. They bloomed beautifully this spring, as you can see below.

(from now on I'm writing as I go)

Tulips are my favorite flowers, we don't have them in Brazil, it's too hot there for them, so you can imagine my excitement to see them bloom every year! I posted 2 pictures, even though I took a ton...

Well, just to explaing the last pictures. After the tulips wilted, it took me a while to work in the garden again, but I did, and I planted pretty petunias, and another flower I don't know the name of... So, I will be back here writing about gardening. I don't want to forget to mention that I also planted herbs by the kitchen back steps, and in the back of the yard, tomato plants and zuchinni. But I haven't photographed them yet!

P.S. I have to say that I am an avid photographer (mostly of my kids :) and it's surprising I hadn't tried to post pictures earlier here. I guess seeing the pictures in one of chicagomama's latest entries, got me going. (I'll try to add link later)

Tulips are my favorite flowers (4/28/04) 

Tulips between condos (4/28/04) 

Daisies (10/15/03) 

Getting started (9/3/05) 

Crocuses (with Linton) - 4/5/05 

Tulips 1 (with Kelvin) - 4/21/05 

Tulips 2 (4/19/05) 

"Before" (6/12/05) 

"After" (6/12/05) 

Me and my Boys

Me and my boys, on April 9, 2005. 

I hope you enjoy the photo! I just wanted to test blog photo adding with "hello" and it seems to work. Now I want to see how it looks when I edit the post and add text to it.
Next will come my very "picturesque" (my own meaning for this word today: full of pictures :) gardening post, OK?

Saturday's the night to post

OK, the main reason why I haven't posted earlier is because I want to figure out how to add photos so I can finally do the post about gardening I have started writing weeks ago. It's just that I think it'll be more interesting for the "readers", since gardening may be a subject not a lot of people identify with. I have posted 1 picture before (the very first post), using this program called Hello. I just have to try again - I wonder how will I incorporate pictures into a post, that's my main question. So, I may try to do a test pretty soon...

Lame excuse, I know... with the laptop downstairs on the table all week.

Reason #2 is better. My husband has come up with at suggestion to hopefully help to get me motivated to work on the dissertation. The deal is, I have to "buy" internet time by spending at least the same amount of time in the dissertation that I want to spend online. It's working more or less. I did get some writing and reading done for the dissertation this week, and I probably spent LESS time online, since I'd feel guilty doing it if I hadn't worked on any academic stuff.

Let's see if it works. It IS a good idea, though, I have to admit!

All righ, so, I know it's technically Sunday now, but - it's official!! - Saturday's the night to post (if I fail to do so any other night). Deal?

We've gone wireless!/ "Well baby" visit

Yes, I know, we're sooooo late for this, but finally we have set up a wireless network in our home, and I'm posting from my laptop for the first time. I'm in the living room, and now I can post from more places in the house (not that our house is really big, you know, basically 2 rooms downstairs and 3 upstairs (not counting the 1 1/2 bathrooms).

Anyway, regardless, it's exciting! And I wanted to "celebrate" by making this post my very first wireless experience online - I haven't even checked my email yet!! (wow, and I do that very often, like 300 times a day) Or even checked other blogs...

Well, as for news, it's still VERY hot here, but my garden is happy (preview of next post). Today we turned the AC on for a change (we don't have it on all the time, we just can't afford it - the winter heating costs are already too much... : (

Oh, and Linton had his 1 year "well baby [doctor's] visit" on Thursday. He's doing great! In the "charting" he's in the 75% for height (30 3/4 inches, 76,2 cm ), 50% for weight (22 lb. 7 oz., 10,63 kg). He's much bigger than his brother (who was always around 25% at most - oh, but his head circumference was 95% - good brains : ) Oh, yes, this percentile thing is very American, I always have to explain it to my family in Brazil, but now they understand it and even ask about it... (Explanation for anyone not familiar with American pediatric "practices": being in the 75% [percentile], for example, means that on average, only 25% of the boys in the country are heavier/ taller than the boy in question - there are different charts for boys and girls, of course). I guess it adds up to that whole "perfect madness" thing, one more thing to worry about, one more thing parents can use to "compare" their kids to other peoples' and see if they "measure up". I don't really care. As long as they're healthy. Babies and kids come in all sizes, colors, complexions, etc... just like everyone else on earth!

Well, without further ado, let me post this. I have been interrupted a thousand times since I started writing - I guess that would have happened less if I were in the "study" upstairs (the tiny bedroom where we have our desktop computer and its paraphernalia, and 2 bookcases super full of books) - but it's still fun to go online in a different spot for a change. Here, at least, Linton won't be able to pull books off the shelves, and pull out cds, try to turn off the computer or play with the mouse and keyboard!! He can play with the toys already all over the floor. Bingo!! I think now I'll be online even more (just kidding, I already spend way too much time online). All right, I'm done with this post (I have to write this to stop myself from continuing to write : )

Blogroll Updated!

I finally added a few more blogs to the list of "Blogs I read". I know, I shouldn't be reading many blogs, I shouldn't even BE online, but -- this is my last "obsession"... something that fills my time and thoughts, since I really don't have a lot of meaningful things going on in my life as an expatriate mother...

Oh, well...

Blame it on "Invisible Adjunct"

I went to respond to expatmama's comment to a previous post (May 18 - I'm too tired right now to bother to add a link, sorry)... and I finally realized what got me started with this whole blogging thing.

No, it had nothing to do with mothering, which now seems to be my main focus, as well as the topic of all blogs I read, either regularly or by chance (my blogroll needs some serious updating). The very first blog I ever read was Invisible Adjunct's, after it had already been "abandoned" by the writer. The funny thing was that even though I was genuinely interested in the academic things (will write more on that below), what I craved to read first and foremost were all the personal entries, most of which had to do with her son (the most poignant one involves her reaction to him almost being killed by a cab driver).

I now realize that this is a perfect metaphor for my life. I should be writing my dissertation, thinking about academia, but all I want is to concentrate on my personal life and interests, read about and interact with other moms (oh well, too bad I can only do it online... but that's another matter), and, oops, blog.

It's partly Invisible Adjunct's fault as well... the parts of the blog that I read (and the 2 articles in the Chronicle of Higher Ed she links to and cites) were her arguments AGAINST pursuing a Ph.D. I found out about the blog when a colleague forwarded the Chronicle's article about Invisible Adjunct to the listserv of my dept's graduate students. [oh, yes, I have come across, but not followed, entries in blogs about an adjunct professor, I guess, who was fired for comments on her blog - I guess the "technical term" would be "dooced", right, bloggers? Anyway, I don't think graduate students will ever "suffer" if they blog, will they?]
When I read parts of Invisible Adjunct's blog, I felt SOOOOO discouraged. I thought I fit perfectly in the category of people who shouldn't have bothered getting a Ph.D. Perhaps a little smart, very motivated, but not bright enough, with the guts to fight the competition and ever get a good job. Oh, yes, and to top it off, I'm a foreigner, I don't even know the educational system of this country -- I came here only for graduate school -- I don't fit at all in American academia, most probably!!!

I read this blog too late, though. I think it was last summer. I had just defended my prospectus, and given birth. I had already spent 6 years in graduate school (7 if you count my non-degree first year - WOW, that would mean I've been 8 years in this journey -- will I ever finish?)

And now I think my professional "destiny" (and this kind of ties in with the job discussion that has been going on at Expat Mama) will be to be an invisible adjunct myself. I don't see much more than that happening after I finish my Ph.D. and my babies grow up enough so I can go back to work.

I felt very out-of-place as a T.A. I had never had a T.A. as an instructor, I had no idea, and no way to find out, whether the "cold" and sometimes "careless" (in the sense of not caring) -- though never disrespectful -- way the students treated me as their teacher (when I was teaching classes entirely on my own) was the norm, or just if I was a not so good teacher. I really can't see myself as a "professor" here in the US. Perhaps only in one area: Brazilian literature and culture, maybe Portuguese language (I have to say, for the record, that I do not like teaching language, even though I taught English in Brazil). However, this is a TINY, really minuscule academic area. Very few universities offer Portuguese classes, let alone Brazilian lit courses... and I doubt any of them are hiring anyone anytime soon -- oh yes, and I forget -- we have no idea where my husband will find a job, and, chances are, the university that hires me won't have Portuguese classes, nor will any other institutions around it.

On the other hand, when I think of going back to Brazil, I can easily see myself as a respected professional/professor there, with a Ph.D. from an American University in hand, a broad knowledge of a foreign culture, etc... And then I feel that not going back would be professional or academic "suicide" for me. If I stay here I might just end up staying at home with my kids, even home-schooling (that sounds really weird coming out of somebody who always said she valued school, etc... but that's an entirely different subject I don't want to write about now) -- that, of course, if my husband finds a decent tenure-track job as a physicist at a research university (and even then I might have to try to find whatever work is available so we can have more income). I have often thought, and tried to convince myself of, that teaching at a Community College (nothing against them, on the contrary) would be a very noble job.

That's where I guess my rambling comments here tie in to Expat Mama's discussion about work: I think that in Brazil, similar to here, people also view work as something that you need to enjoy, as a kind of "calling", something you're vocationed to do. People are encouraged to study whatever they are passionate about, and try to find a fulfilling job after. That's what I've been led to believe all my life, and both my parents were always "fulfilled" professionals... I feel frustrated thinking that if we choose to remain here, I won't be able to feel this fulfillment, no matter what my qualifications are.

Those are not the best feelings in the world to work with when you have to find out strength to finish a Ph.D. dissertation...

It had to get worse....

... before it could get better. After I last posted, Kelvin also developed a fever. Then, apparently, Linton was also teething (with no new tooth to show for all his suffering yet), and cried most of Wednesday night, mouth a faucet of saliva, and apparently having trouble swallowing (we also thought it could be a sore-throat). Anyway, we were exhausted. My back did get better slowly, even though it's not 100% yet.

The upside of having things get even worse is the relief afterwards, when you can look back and realize it IS over, phew!

Kelvin only had to take acetaminophen 3 times, and didn't have any other symptoms of a flu or anything, and Linton's fever was gone too -- only some clinginess left from his crying jags on
Wed. night, followed by nursing sessions (tired me...).

Anyway, there's this "serious" post that I have started, and want to try to finish.... let's see.

Birthday Boy has a fever

It seems a family tradition that right after their first birthday, just to "celebrate", or maybe "uncelebrate" the milestone, my sons get sick.

Five days after Kelvin's first birthday, we ended up in the emergency care because he was wheezing terribly. First time I was ever in an ambulance, because since it was a Friday night (right before Spring break in our university clinic too), they decided to send us to the hospital, and the fastest way to be admitted was to go in an ambulance. Besides, his oxygen levels had been low, so this seemed to warrant the need for the ambulance. Needless to say (thankfully), I don't think it was necessary to have gone to the hospital, just taking a nebulizer home would have been OK. The doctor wanted him to have a chest X-ray, though, and to this day I get mad at myself for having waited until after 4-5 at night to go to urgent care in our clinic, because by then radiology was closed, and, to be on the safe side, we ended up in the emergency room. The night was TERRIBLE, because high on steroids, the boy was worse, much worse than the Energizer bunny, and didn't sleep until 2 or 3 am. He LOVED playing in the playroom's kitchen and being pulled by an exhausted mama in the multiple wagons the hospital had. I'll never forget that night in March 2003.

Nothing so serious and tragic here today, but Linton does have a fever (not so bad right now 'cause he's on acetaminophen, but it was 102), and I, of course, still have a terrible backache to deal with... Of course, blogging about it will make it all better :)

I wish.

Baby's ONE!

I can hardly believe it, but my baby's one. No, it doesn't seem like yesterday that he was born. We did have a long year, but even though a lot happened (moving to another state, husband graduating, travelling abroad, etc) , these things don't make it less painful to see him grow out of babyhood so quickly. I want to hold on to his baby-self, therefore I'm not so eager to see him start walking, though I'm curious to know when/where it'll happen.

We had a party on Sunday, and before that, from Friday night through Sunday morning, a visit from friends who hadn't been to our house in over 3 years (she happens to be alergic to cats, and this caused the visits to basically cease - this weekend we took the cat to a friend's house, and that made it all sooo much better!). My brother-in-law, sister and nephew arrived on Saturday night for the celebration. On top of that, we had spent the whole week going to bed between 2-4 am (if not later) editing a short film (20 minutes) or Linton's first year of life, and between that and trying to clean the house, etc, we got really tired... The party was perfect, though, just two families of friends plus the relatives. Linton napped the whole time, and woke up -- a little angel, literally -- for the Happy Birthday and presents. It was all worth it! I even decorated my first cake (this would actually be the second, but Kelvin's last month, only required coloring the frosting and covering the pieces of the "train cake", and in this one I actually wrote on and decorated). I'll try to add a picture.

Well, I'll post the way it is, because I don't have time right now to add more. Last Thursday my back started aching. It seemed to get a little better over the weekend, but right now it's worse than ever. I never had any problems before. It's probably that Linton got too heavy, and I constantly carry him on my right hip (that's the side that hurts badly, right under the clavicle)...
It's not very easy to write when one's in pain, but I haven't blogged for a while (and my last post I saved as a draft, and have yet to finish), so here it is.

Busy (busy?)/ Taking long to get a Ph.D.

Well, just to keep this blog going...

We're a bit busy because we're going to Massachusetts this weekend for my husband's commencement (he finished his Ph.D. last year).

I'm also dealing right now with memos and such to get my "statute of limitations" renewed. Yes, I have been taking longer than what's "allowed" (6 years) to finish my Ph.D. Considering other people in my department, which this year received SEVENTEEN requests to renew statutes of limitation, I'm almost OK --this is only the second time I request an extension, which means I've been working on my degree for 7 years now, the next year will be my 8th. However, I've had a baby 3 years ago, and another one last year... This is the case with a few of my colleagues who have requesting extension this year, but for most, it's not the case.

Anyway, that aside, I've actually been "busy" (?) reading other blogs. I hate to admit that it becomes completely addictive to do so... And slightly frustrating when having my own blog doesn't get me anywhere, just makes me waste time reading other blogs.

The problem is, it seems my dept. wants to clean up its act this year and try to get as many of us to graduate as soon as possible. I kind of like the pressure, but this makes me have to work and feel terribly guilty of spending all this useless, albeit fascinating, time online.

Neighbor Girl is OK/ My son's reaction

*updated on 11/11/07 to add photos of Kelvin as he asked the questions I listed in the third paragraph below. His face is just so expressive and it was interesting that I had my camera on hand while he talked. He looks very concerned -- something quite surprising for such a young child -- he was only 3!Just a quick update [to the last lines of the previous post] to let you know that my neighbor's niece fractured her leg, and was kept overnight in the hospital, but other than that she should be OK. Fortunately, she fell on dirt that had been worked on to plant a garden, and not in the narrow cemented path right beside it. My neighbor said that the window was locked, and the kids opened it on their own.

In the end of last year I had talked very seriously with Kelvin (my 3 year old) about the windows, explaining that he could fall, etc. I inadvertently mentioned dying and of course he didn't really know exactly what it meant, and I volunteered a "you'd leave us/ you'd no longer live here with us" explanation - which frightened him SO much. "I don't want to leave our house, I want to live here with you, I don't want to die" he almost sobbed. Of courseb I immediately reassured him, and changed the focus of my warnings completely (you'd get hurt, etc). But for a few days he was quite shaken at the terrible idea of "leaving", because I think not being in his home with his family is a great "fear" for him (I'm so glad he hasn't reached the "fearful phase" yet - when exactly does that come? Does it vary from child to child?).
Anyway, yesterday he asked a few times whether the girl had died, and I explained repeatedly, "No, she just got hurt", etc. Then, he was really concerned and asked a ton of questions, such as "Why didn't she obey her aunt? Why did the policemen come? Why did she go away in an ambulance?" I answered, and of course I reminded him that he should keep away from windows so he wouldn't get hurt as well. Today told me again that the girl had gotten hurt and fallen because she hadn't obeyed her mom. And asked me again why she had not obeyed...He asks so many questions! The good part is that he seems genuinely interested in the responses. Today he also asked: "Are we going to live is this house forever?" "Why not? I like to live here." Sometimes he asks about the old house. I don't think he remembers much, because he was 2 years 4-5 months when we moved. But he does have an amazing memory, and surprises us often with out-of-the-blue questions about things that happened months ago.I have been planning a post about things he says for a looong time, but some of them are untranslatable!!! Let's see what I can do about that...

Mother's day... 3 posts in one

After a lovely breakfast in bed, a card, a gift and a private "concert" from my singing 3 year old, I've come here to try to post some thoughts I've been entertaining for a while. Since they're all about mothering, it's just fitting it's mother's day...

"Post 1": Twofold Mothering Question

There's a question in two parts I wanted to ask - whether there'll be responses or not is yet to be seen :)
First, I have been crazy about babies and young children since I was a young "tween". My neighbor had two beautiful babies, a girl and a boy, one year apart, and I spent the most of the 4 years we were neighbors playing with them. The girl's first word was my name. After we moved, I would still play with young kids whenever I had the chance, and they usually adored me. (note: in Brazil girls don't baby-sit for neighbors and friends, or else I'd have been a dedicated baby-sitter). Second, like my mother before me, I had my children after I was 30, and I often think that being older makes mothering easier for me, since I'm more mature and more patient.

Question, is mothering "easier" (or comes more naturally) for the baby-inclined women and/or older mothers?

Apparenly the answers would be simple, but I'm sure it's more complex than that. For me, a yes seems to be the case, but I'd be curious to know how it's worked out for other moms.

Probably this question is hardly original, but I started thinking about this when in our last visit, my sister-in-law said I was very patient with my kids, and I thought that this was because I'm older, since I was a nervous and anxious wretch as a teenager and in my early 20s. I also talked to her how I thought that perhaps mothering came more naturally to people like us, who had always loved babies and children...

Well, I just thought I'd ask!

"Posts 2 & 3": Ayelet Waldman and me on...

This past week I stayed up until 1 a.m. one night reading Ayelet Waldman's articles in Salon.com and also the NY Times. I want to comment a bit about 2 of them. Of course there's the whole polemic about her suicidal post on her blog and the subsequent end of it, which I only found out about (here - see Pop Culture) last week too, but I won't write about that...

1) Husband over kids
Apparently, Ayelet has been criticized (see last link above) for saying she loves her husband more than her kids in a NY Times article (adapted from an earlier essay of hers). Well, this is something my mother has been saying for as long as I can remember, and is the refrain of her daily emails now that she and my dad are newly retired: "Oh, I'm so glad that I love your father so much and that we get along really well now that we only have each other and spend all day together!" She has always emphasized the need to love your partner "above" your kids because she says kids grow up, move (to another country, right, Lilian?), and in the end you're left only with your partner or spouse. I just begin to feel that it's very hard to let go off one's children, but I think knowing you can count on someone's love and, in a different sense, dependence on you as enduring, will make it easier. In the first years of parenthood, though, it's hard (for both parents) to keep one's spouse in the first place of one's life - children are so demanding... But I hope to follow my mom's advice, and meanwhile, I'm happy to see another mother writing about those things, no matter what other mothers say (yeah... "mommy wars"...). I think Ayelet is right - children definitely benefit from a healthy and passionate relationship between their parents, and she's lucky to have that!

2) Wanting another baby
In a Salon article, Waldman writes about the desire to have another baby. I have briefly mentioned this issue in a previous post, but her article got me thinking about it again. For me, this desire, or lust, as Waldman calls it, comes and goes. It first surfaced when Linton was 3-4 months and began to look utterly cute and "scrumptions" (as Catherine Newman often said of Birdy) - I felt I just HAD to have another baby, since I knew mine would grow up. A few more exhausting months of little sleep, and I was on the "down" side - no, I didn't think it was such as good idea after all. Right now I'm in the middle of a "neutral" spell, which feels good. I don't really care whether we have another baby or not.

Sometimes, however, in comes the lust, the need, even, to have another baby, especially because Linton is growing so fast (he's so much bigger and less "baby-ish" than his brother was in the same age), and I have to try and think rationally: no, we can't possibly afford another baby, unless Klebert gets a really good job in two year's time (we'll not know until then, of course) - but then, I'll be over 35, oh!, but that's not too late, is it? And so on, and so forth... my brains juggles with the desire, the unrationality of it, all the pros and cons...

I also love how (yes, I'm mentioning her again...) Catherine Newman describes her reaction to not being pregnant with a 3rd child:

"All the cells in your brain are cheering — throwing their pompoms in the air and turning cartwheels, their little white skirts flipping up while they yell, "Not, not pregnant! N-O-T! P-R-E!! G-N-A-N-T!!!"
But your heart — your greedy, irrational heart — is sitting on the curb with its head in its hands."

Sometimes my heart is there too, when I think we'll uphold our decision to keep a family of four...

Sad/scary closing note:
While I write this, my neighbor's 4 year-old niece is being taken by ambulance to the hospital. She fell out of a 2nd floor window, and we are praying and hoping she's OK. Our houses are identical - with very low windows - and I feel so scared just thinking that something like that could happen to us!! I'll let you know how she is as soon as I find out.

I'm back (if baby doesn't shut off the computer again : )

Not much going on here in this blog, right? Everyday I keep on thinking, oh, OK, today I'll post in the blog, I'll write this and that, etc... but I end up not doing it.

Quick update. We're all better. Two weekends ago we went to my brother and sister-in-law's house and it was great! We mostly talked and talked, and didn't sleep much
[at this point, baby shut the computer off, happily, blogger lets us recover "lost" posts], but we definitely caught up from seeing each other only twice a year, on average, and now are ready to get together once a month!

We came back home and I had a couple of terrible nights of coughing, but soon I got better. I was pretty tired all week, but now that Linton is sleeping a bit better (two new teeth are out), hopefully I'll catch up -- oh, I just wish!!! He's 11 months now, but still breasfeeds quite frequently at night. I am not really checking the clock, but I think his longest stretches of sleep are 3-4 hours at most.

GREEN!!! Yes, now finally trees are green, and that beautiful, gorgeous pale "baby green", and my Brazilian soul feels much happier. The 6-7 dreary "ungreen" months are hard to bear every single year. I'm lucky that once in a while I go to Brazil and escape winter for a month or so... and this was one of these years.

Well, this post was just to get started, I'll be back.

When it rains...

... it pours. This is one of the Anglo (what should I say, English, American? I don't know if it's either or both or whatever) expressions that I can't translate into Portuguese, and it always comes to mind even when I'm speaking Portuguese (another one is "not out of the woods yet" -- I said it yesterday to Klebert, my husband, meaning that my sore-throat problems weren't over, and he didn't even know this expression!)

Anyway... this week has been pretty hard. Well, for starters, I had a sore throat for a couple of days and now I'm hoarse and coughing a bit (I'll skip the more nasty details) -- meanwhile, Linton is teething, and nights have been not very restful, with him nursing all the time. Besides teething, he has a runny nose, which bothers him a bit (funny, but he ALWAYS has a runny nose coincinding with teething... and I know that's not supposed to be one of the symptoms). On top of that, last night I forgot to check on his diaper for a while (American diapers tend to be super absorbent, and if they're not soiled, they last several ours, as everyone knows, and I tend to simply forget, sometimes until they leak) and when I did - oh-oh! - there was a monster diaper rash waiting for me, and an almost dried out soiled diaper. Klebert says the rash has been developing for days, but I guiltily think it was all my fault. In conclusion, since he's been nursing a lot, and perhaps because of the drool of teething, or maybe something he ate, whatever... he soiled his diaper 3 more times after we found the diaper rash, and he cried piteously every time I changed him (more guilt)...

Kelvin, meanwhile, gets super clingy every time his brother's not well, and I go almost crazy, of course. I know all this shall pass, and, there are better things to think about such as Spring, beautiful Spring!! (I'll post about that later) And this weekend we're going to my brother and sister-in-law's house. They moved 3 weeks ago to Maryland - hurray! - they lived in Michigan before, and now that we're pretty close (under 3 hours away), we want to visit each other at least once a month. That should be fun! Their baby, Derek, is only 4 months younger than Linton, and it'll be great to see them grow together.

Last but not least, I do want to post some photos, let's see if I can do it soon...

Contextualizing "mommy wars"

Here I want to post some links to other "mama blogs" that I read some time ago and that taught me about "mommy wars".

I had never heard of the term until less than two months ago when I came across first these posts (on "mommy wars" and "Mommy drive-bys") in the midlife mama blog, which in turn led me to the Chez Miscarriage Blog, where I was amazed by the viciousness of mothers against other mothers in the guest bloggers' "testimonials" here.

These are all more or less related to Judith Warner's book Perfect Madness. Of course, I haven't read the book, just an Elle Magazine (sounds strange, right?) article about it I found a link to in the Expat Mama blog.

OK, enough links. Now that I've proven to myself that even not knowing any html I can still get some links going, I can continue...

I found it extremely interesting to learn about all this. My previous exposure to some aspects of this discussion had started with Naomi Wolf's book Misconceptions : Truth, Lies, and the Unexpected on the Journey to Motherhood which I read and re-read in my second pregnancy (03-04). I had no idea about the changes that had taken place within the context of giving birth in this country in the past 20 years, and I felt privileged that my experiences were wonderful, very unlike those of Wolf's. I have also read/ heard some of the criticisms Wolf's book received, but I enjoyed it very much.

(on a side note, this whole thing with seemingly controversial books that elicit lots of responses, then the interest dies down, or moves on to other books, seems very "American" to me. In a country like Brasil, not many people read books, and there's not a lot of meaningful "bookish" discussion among people)

Anyway... I continue being an outsider, yes, definitely "the other" I studied about in literary theory. Nevertheless, I understand what goes on, but do not feel very affected. These "mommy wars" do not bother me much because I live a life "out of context" in a sense. Even if I go back to Brasil now, my life will still be "out of context" there as well. Yes, I'm a "SAHM" (stay at home mom), and supposedly a student. And maybe someday I will be working and mothering as well, but right now I'm happy. I mean, I'm an expatriate, yes, but have never ever felt any limitations in terms of language and culture. Of course right now I feel sad that my son does not know English yet, but that will come with time - I'm giving him the "gift" of Portuguese, his parents', grandparents', aunts', uncles', etc, language.

But I digress, of course I do... Having done so, I will finish with two more links. I recently found out there's a new book out, The Truth Behind the Mommy Wars, and the author is from here, Philadelphia, this is her blog. Well, I'll see if I can check out Warner's and Peskowitz' books from a library, unfortunately, I have no money to buy books right now :( (only Catherine Newman's, I'm that big of a fan :)

No “Mommy Wars” in Brazil

In Brazil there are no mommy wars, generally speaking.

(Disclaimer: I know this is a very blunt statement, and the analysis below perhaps a bit superficial. This is a beginning, though, and I’m hoping to talk to other Brazilian mothers and get back to this topic here. And, last but not least – why should I worry? This is just a blog, anyway, not an academic paper!)

In Brazil, everybody has a “maid” (yes, I will use the PI term, I’m talking about Brazil, not the US), even stay at home moms. It is common for families to have a live-in-maid/nanny/cook (the rich ones do have all these different positions, of course). Of course I’m talking about middle class people, but even the “domestic helpers” themselves (OK, sometimes I can’t resist the PC terms because I think they sound so weird and funny to my foreign ears) – if they have children – have to rely on childcare of some sort, and some of them do have “maids”! Brazil has very deep social inequality, and informal labor, which is quite cheap, is widely available – besides having been relied upon for years and years by the “less poor” and the elite until it became a pressing need.

Some other key-differences that have to do with mothering/parenting: not many mothers breastfeed in Brazil, the percentage is tiny. It’s getting better with many public awareness campaigns and policy making (e.g. formula cans, bottles, pacifiers come with a printed warning saying that breastfeeding is best and is recommended at least until the child is 2, and I’m not totally sure about this one, but I think these items cannot be advertised in magazines geared towards parents – wow!), but I’d say for now that it’s mostly the poorer moms who breastfeed, and in the more affluent families, breastfeeding is usually given up before the baby’s one, or much earlier (regardless of whether the mother stays at home or not – even though I should note that there are no good breast pumps available for the working moms). Well, backtracking a bit, Brazil is the country with record rates of Cesarean sections (90% in some private clinics/ hospitals)! In Brazil, home schooling is extremely rare, almost outlawed, and anybody who can sends their kids to private schools, starting in kindergarten or earlier, because public schools have very poor quality (conversely, with a few exceptions, the public universities, which are FREE – yes! – are excellent and private higher education institutions tend to be much worse).

I’m sure there are several things I’ve forgotten to mention and may even post about in the future, but the bottom line is that many of the issues that worry so many of the mothers here in the US are not even discussed or questioned there. That’s one of the reasons I usually have a hard time relating to how some of my friends there live and parent in Brazil. Even before I had kids, when I went there I found funny that one of the main topics of conversation among my married female friends would involve concerns with their hired domestic helpers, and I would feel completely left out of the conversation. Of course I grew up with people helping in my parents’ household, but in our case, they were mostly student girls, who lived in our house, helped out, and my parents helped to pay their studies, and since I got married, I’ve never had any help (excluding my mom and dad when the boys were born). Well, I did live only a year and a half in Brazil after we were married, and have lived here ever since (we’ve been married for 10 years), so it’s only natural I have a hard time identifying with my friends’ “domestic lives” in Brazil. Oh, yes, and I’ve never “mothered” there either, except for the past 2 months.

Like I said in the “disclaimer”, I do want to go into this further, but I feel that even though I haven’t mothered yet while living Brazil I am still very much a Brazilian, and can think and write about these things. Another thing, I wouldn’t say that being a Brazilian makes me completely immune to the mommy wars being waged around me (at least the way I experience it second-hand in blogosphere, the internet and the media, since I’d say we live fairly isolated lives, having almost no friends, except Brazilian expatriates, etc…), but I do feel very “free” to mother, being a foreign, and having many other life perspectives. Maybe I do have something to contribute, let’s see!

In love with my babies... or baby & big boy?

These past few days I've been sooooo infatuated by my cute, cute, cute 10 month-old! Not that I haven't been crazy about him all along, but there's something about these babies who can crawl to you when you call them, and climb on your legs/knees/lap, and smile their most delighted grin (with spaced teeth on top) that makes them super endearing.

If you've ever had a wedding, you'll remember how tired your lips and mouth felt after smiling non-stop for hours at all those people, cameras, etc (not that you weren't happy, mind you). That's how my own smiling mouth felt yesterday at the playground, when Linton went on the swing for the first time. What an irresistible grin on his face, what giggles! I couldn't help but smile until I was tired, but couldn't stop myself from smiling, cooing and giggling right with him!

Problem is -- this unbearable cuteness makes me want to have another baby, and another one after that... Nothing against large families, the more the merrier, but we most probably cannot aford one, and we've always planned having only two kids. Oh, and on top of that crazy desire is the whole thing with girls. Let me explain, my husband has 3 brothers. My in-laws kept trying to have a girl and ended up with 4 boys. So far they have 3 grandSONS, so everyone wants a girl. Besides, I've always wanted one myself, even though I'm happy with my two boys, and I keep thinking, what if we did have a girl? No, I'll take no chances and end up with 3, or 4 boys like my mother-in-law.

Meanwhile, my 3-year-old is becoming a big boy, even though, small as he is, he still looks very much a baby (we think that his brother probably will be as tall as him in a year or two, and they're 2 years 3 months apart). I like of the way Catherine Newman describes this growing up of the oldest child,
here , and in her book (p. 31): "Babyhood is falling away from Ben in huge chunks. He's like a molting snake, shedding first his diapers and now, it seems, his trusty afternoon nap."

Kelvin is partly potty trained now (pees OK in toiled, but asks for a diaper for pooping), and last Tuesday I moved his toddler bed into his own room. He had already been sleeping there for over a week, in the futon we have for guests, and I thought it'd be a good idea to move his bed from our bedside, and he even helped me do it. I'm surprised at how easy it was, I wish weaning was easier too (he still nurses once, sometimes twice a day). Oh, yes, and most days he's not napping either, and has not even been too cranky at the end of the day (I'll admit, sometimes he is - the funny thing is that today he was crankier than most days because he had a nap - it always happens with me when I sleep in the afternoon, I understand).

Anyway, both of them will grow in no time, and, like my friend's husband says - it's no use having another baby to replace the one that's growing, in the end they all grow up... and it'll be a long time before we can become grandparents (oops! isn't it too early to be thinking about that at 33? But there are thirty-somethings who are grandparents. In Brazil there's this soccer player [Casagrande] who had a daughter when he was 15, and she had a baby when she was 15!).

Well, those have been some of my thoughts lately...

Writing and rewriting

I just edited the post below... it's good to get things going here in my blog by posting directly online, but I can't help but want to correct the mistakes and make the language better (e.g. I had mispelled at least one word and the last paragraph had the word "back" four times - ugly!).

This is one of my problems with writing - I really hate rewriting, reviewing, correcting (not grammar, but structure). I'm lazy. So I keep wondering how in the world I am going to finish writing my dissertation. Someday. Well, this "journal" is good practice because I have to at least make some sort of sense, and that leads me to the very thing I loathe - reviewing and rewriting - and here I do it happily, since it's not the same as rewriting an academic paper.

On a side note I should say I was quite upset 2 weeks ago (I was still in Brazil) when I learned that a paper I had submitted for publication in the scholarly journal Children's Literature (a special issue on Louisa May Alcott) was rejected. The reviewers' comments were very good, but I just don't feel motivated to rewrite everything based on their detailed criticisms and suggestions - it took so much effort just to try to get the paper ready for publication...

Lately I have felt keenly that I don't belong in academia at all, I just don't fit in. The fact that I got my undergraduate degree in Brazil doesn't help much, because I was not trained to write the way academics write here in the US. 6 years of graduate school helped, of course, but you know what helped most of all? Grading papers and teaching (or trying to teach) my students to write good papers.

Well, if practice makes perfect then I still need tons of it. So I should post everyday, right?

Back "home"

We've been back home for over a week now (we flew back on March 30). Back to our house/home, but still away from home (country)... I've leramed to live with it by now.

I've started several posts, but haven't finished any of them yet. If I don't post directly here in Blogger, I take forever to write. Months ago I started a post about the funny things my 3 year-old says , and never finished, but I should get that here that pretty soon. Another post is about "mommy wars" and Brasil - hopefully that one will be interesting.

I'm glad that 3 people (thanks Raehan, Janet and Heidi!) visited the blog and commented, thanks to a comment of mine at Catherine Newman's "Bringing up Ben and Birdy" column. I went to her reading here in Philly last Thursday, and it was great to see her in person. I hope her book takes off.

I LOOOOVE spring, and I'm so glad that I've been welcomed back with wonderfully warm and sunny days. It's good not having to face the wintry weather after being in warm Brasil - but that's one of the reasons I stayed there for almost two months and came back only now.

Well, I'll get this going, and I'll come back later. Promise.

In Brasil... and the tale of me between two countries

So I've been in Brasil (in this post I insist in using the Portuguese spelling for my country, as perhaps I should always do) for many weeks now. And I've felt at home. Let me explain, I SHOULD always feel at home in my home country, but the last time I came (Dec 03- Jan 04) that was not so clearly the case, I felt almost the opposite.

Let me backtrack a bit. I have lived in the U.S. for almost 9 years. We never intended to stay that long. In the first few years, I would arrogantly answer to any Brazilian acquaintances or friends that asked whether I like living in the States that no, I didn't like the U.S., that I loved Brazil, and would definitely go back. That was in part a reaction to the prevalent attitude of Brazilians: they are genrerally fascinated by the U.S., they all want to come live in the U.S. and when they do come, they criticize Brazil a lot. I've always hated that, and I wanted to shock everyone by going the other way. And love Brazil I did, with all my heart. Year in year out I tried to keep the flame alive, listening to Brazilian music, coming to Brazil every year or so...
But slowly but surely, life in the U.S. started to seep into our lives, and we got used to it. The language had never been a problem to me, and my husband's English got better and better. We would sometimes have loooooong conversations in English, and mix both languages constantly.
(see - I wrote Brazil with a z -- I said I wouldn't but I did)

But everytime I came to Brasil, my heart would warm up. The very first time we came back, 1 year and a half after we had left, I cried and cried as the plane flew over São Paulo and landed.
I saw my friends (yes, I never had the same kind of friends in the U.S. and I missed them terribly), family, ate the food, saw the green -- everything is so GREEN here, especially when we travel in the winter -- and felt I would readily come back. Except that last year I didn't feel that way. It seemed that something precious had broken, that I no longer felt completely at home here, but felt at home in the U.S.

I was curious to find out how I would react this time... and I feel I could come back all right. But I'll never be the same. I've spent way too much time abroad. Happily, I do feel comfortable in the U.S., but I still don't have those friends... they're here, and they all have children now, and I'm missing all the conversations we could have had about our children, and seeing them play and grow together.

I feel divided again, as I hadn't felt for a while. But I think I will never be whole. Oh yeah, that's pretty much a certainty, I'm divided... torn between two countries.

Will my boys be divided like that too? Is it cruel to have my 3 year old be monolingual (he speaks only Portuguese so far...) and living in the U.S.?

I don't know, I wish I did...

Progress!! I added links!

Finally, FINALLY I was able to change this blog's template a bit to add links to the blogs I read, and 2 websites. Hopefully soon I can do more things, like doing decent links in the text.

Of course the most basic thing is still lacking - some readership and dialogue via comments.

Perhaps that'll happen someday as well...

I had dreamed on posting about this time I am spending in Brazil -- yes, I've been here for almost two months -- but got a bit discouraged by my inability to get this blog going, and never posted.

Well, I'll get this one to cyberspace and perhaps add some more... to make up for the time I wasted.

Just to get started. I was fascinated to read the Elle article adapted from Judith Warner's book Perfect Madness: Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety that expatmama (see my links, I'm still working on linking in the posts) linked to on her blog.

Everyone's talking about Warner's book in these mother blogs, and I'm itching to go read it -- but first I have to go back to the US to do so. We travel on the 29th... Good, I miss my husband and home too much already...