Right now, at least from my perspective, all that stands between getting to keep this house and having to sell it is me getting a job.
Yeah, that.
And why? You (and I too!) may ask, why am I not actively trying to find a job?
There are various reasons, such as the fact that I have a four year old with me at home and I would only feel comfortable sending him to school with his brother (if the school allowed it – they probably would), and even then, what would happened to them after school? (a friend has volunteered to watch them, but that would be a burden on her).
Those are valid points, but ones that can certainly be overcome. I would instead blame the non-existence of the job yet on two things:
1) My Ph.D. and my attitude towards it, particularly towards the fact that I just cannot do what I’ve been trained to do because it’s too competitive, there aren’t enough positions to go around.
2) My lack of stamina to go after things and my overwhelming fear of rejection, as well as the horrible and paralyzing anxiety that seizes me when I am sending academic job applications – I must say that I do not face these same feelings regarding other kinds of jobs, easier to apply.
OK, let’s get the second one out of the way by saying that I can probably work on it. Therapy would help (with that and many other “issues” in my life), but I obviously cannot afford it. One of the reasons that I am like that is that my parents used to do everything for me and I always had a hard time going after things on my own. All right, of course I could put some effort to go after things, even though it would be difficult.
The “Problem with the Ph.D.” is certainly something that I can work with my own head about, but which involves external things that are completely out of my control. Just thinking about this makes me so emotional! We had a horrible argument, K and I, when we were driving from Boston to his parents’ house last month, precisely because of this problem and how I feel about it. In a nutshell, I deeply resent having gotten a Ph.D. and not being able to put it to its intended use. My family needs income from me, and the fact that I have this degree is not helping one bit! It makes me feel utterly useless and defeated. I want to contribute; I want to do my part! I want us to be able to keep the house. All that we need is that I get a job that makes between 30-40K a year (we could actually get by penny-pinching with even 15-18K). But why, oh why do I have to feel bad about getting any stupid old job, just because I have a Ph.D.??? It makes me want not to have it in the first place!
(I am aware that this is really an exaggeration, a "drama queen" moment from my part, and that is one of the reasons why K was so upset with me in that bitterly unpleasant discussion that we had three weeks ago. I have this tendency to be whiny and negative, and of course I am happy that I finished, I care about what I researched very deeply [perhaps too deeply], and my research probably does contribute something... it is just that I have to keep plugging it, sharing it with other people, publishing, etc... so its contribution can be felt. And it is very difficult, nearly impossible, do keep doing that without the basics in life -- financial security, for example. I should have submitted three papers this summer. I had [maybe still have] the road open for publishing in an extremely relevant anthology -- but how can I find the energy, the time, to write when our lives are so chaotic right now?)
Regarding work, it was easier when I didn’t have residency and couldn't legally work, but now that I need work I actually can work! Such good timing, no? I should be happy, but, I’m despondent instead. Every day I wake up and think, “We do not have to put this house in the market! I can get a job!” and, in spite of that, I have not applied to adjuncting jobs (there was at least one opening, about an hour away) – the only job available, at this point, that would put the Ph.D. to use. I do have a very strong reason (or maybe rationalization) for not doing so – adjuncting is not going to bring in not even the 15-18K a year that we need, most probably. Isn’t it infuriating that the only thing I can do with this Ph.D. right now is being an adjunct? There’s the online gig, but that will only pay more when I can teach 2-3 classes at a time and I haven’t even taught one.
Going around in circles, again. What could I work with? I got an account in Monster, but I don’t even know where to look in there… Do I have experience? Well, I have taught for well over ten years, for 4.5 years in Brazil and 6 years here in the U.S., but does that count as experience for other kinds of jobs? Teaching is such a devalued profession!
What use can a Ph.D. have if it cannot help bring food to the table, money to pay the mortgage?
That’s why I often think that academia is this sneaky poison. Once it enters one’s veins it spoils a person forever. It’s this idealistic little world in which we think we are doing very important things (hahahaha), but, unless the research that we do leads to the development of technology, it is completely irrelevant “in real life.” In addition, hardly anybody cares about the humanities and languages anymore, universities are cutting the two year foreign language requirement (that’s the niche in which I am in, and my language/literature is hardly ever studied to begin with) and the emphasis has switched to technology and to the life-sciences. Everything seems to conspire against us, people with a Ph.D. in the pure humanities. And yet, literature and the arts, celebrate the beauty of everything that makes us human in the first place… and language continues to be a necessary tool to survive in the world. Why can’t they be valued?
What can I do? I don’t really care about the soul-searching “what do I want to do with the rest of my life” aspect of this question anymore, I just want to see money coming into our bank account, that’s all. I hate money (another complicated “issue” that has been slated to come up in blogging, but never does), but it’s a necessary evil. :-(
So, here you go. I don't know how to finish this post. I just assure you that cheerful things will follow, photos, videos, I promise.
Let me just share an anecdote then. We went to the dentist last month and the dental hygienist, a nice Romanian woman, was very interested in the fact that I have a Ph.D. She has a brother-in-law, if I'm not mistaken, who is a professor. She asked me what a professor makes and when I told her, she stared at me in disbelief and blurted out: "So brother-in-law was right! We didn't believe him when he told us how much he was making after he got the Ph.D. [I think he was a postdoc]. We thought he was lying." She then proceeded to tell me how much one makes as a dental hygienist with only two years of schooling -- 60K! Nice, huh? Yeah... cleaning other people's teeth and taking x-rays and notes for the dentist is not very appealing to me, but it sure can pay the bills!
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7 comments:
Oi Lilian
Eu tenho lido o seu blog, desde que o descobri atraves de uma agradavel surpresa, ao, despretenciosamente, clicar num comentario que vc deixou no AmFam (aquele sobre fotos enquanto os pequenos ainda tem todos os dentes de leite). E, desde entao, eu tenho acompanhado a sua "saga".E vc escreve maravilhosamente bem em ingles! E eu compartilho das agruras e prazeres de viver na America, de muitos dos probemas que vc enfrenta, de ter deixado metade da vida no Brasil, de ter que recomecar sem saber exatamente o que fazer...E eu estou sempre torcendo por vc, para que no final, tudo de certo. Afinal, a vida e' uma grande licao. E nao importa o que aconteca, e' sempre em prol do nosso melhoramento. Right?
Lillian, I know exactly how you feel. I've been looking for a new job/career in part because I got my Ph.D. and I feel like it's not going to good use right now. I'm also kind of frustrated by my current job. I want to take some time to think about what it is I want to do next, but my husband is a little worried about the financial situation. I think we'll be fine, but he's not so sure.
I wonder, too, if part of the issue for you is the kids. I find that I increasingly want more flexible work, to have time to pursue my own interests, and to spend more time with the kids. I've worked my whole life full time and I'd really like to get off the fast track so to speak. But the slow track doesn't pay so well. It may be that you, too, don't just want any job; you want a job that is fulfilling, flexible, and uses your tremendous skills. Those take time to find.
Ah Lilian, Lilian...
primeiro, obrigada por ter ligado e desculpa por nao ter retornado! Aquele dia eu tive uma enxurrada de ligacoes e o fim de semana foi uma loucura, seguido de uma semana mais louca ainda, um possivel miscarriage, repouso absoluto essa semana e mais incertezas.
fora isso, e no meio disso, compartilho cada inch do seu sentimento amiga, estava aqui falando com J que eu nao dou pra essa vida! A bolsa que eu consegui esse ano eh metade da do ano passado, eu deveria continuar trabalhando como TO (que é o que da dinheiro) mas ai, pra que fazer esse Phd? E tb eu nao quero ficar maluca como estava no ultimo semestre com Phd/trabalho/casa. Eu tinha que ter publicado um artigo pelo menos nesse verao, mas eu NAO consigo escrever!!! Ja cansei de jogar rascunhos fora, e enfim... essa eh nossa vida.
Sem muitas palavras de conforto, mas soh a certeza de que vc nao esta soh ;-)
beijinho,
Keiko
Oh Lilian, hugs to you. I agree--academia os like a poison sometimes and I sure know you can't make $$ doing it, but having your Ph.D is something no one can ever take away from you.
I know your anger. I have felt it. All I can say, my dear friend, is do not torture yourself so. Despite the expectations that academia has instilled in us, today's choices are mostly not permanent. In part, you need to unpack your own expectations regarding "putting the PhD to use".
You, my friend, are the PhD, not some stupid piece of parchment, nor the process that led to your hooding. All you need worry about is putting yourself to work. Trust me, you're far to valuable to destroy yourself for a few years feeling miserable. It's no fun at all!
Simply... do. Do your life. Live it. Make your choices based on your own needs and desires. But, if I may be so bold: Don't ( DON'T) adjunct for pathetic pay under miserable conditions! That's not putting the PhD to use; that's contributing to a broken system, and degrading and demeaning yourself and the profession you are so fond of.
Just sending you lots of hugs, Lilian. I am familiar with this discussion as well (both with my husband and it's also this ongoing internal issue that I deal with constantly). It sounds to me like right now you just need a time-out, a really good break from all this. Well .. you know where to find me if you want to talk! Blessings!! XXX
I appreciate you sharing this. I have similar sentiments, yet I don't have a PhD. It helps to have someone articulate this and to hear the encouraging and insightful comments that follow.
I don't really understand much of what your area is, but I'd still like to find a better way to teach my kids Portuguese and Brazilian culture (I homeschool). I have searched and searched and all I can find is Rosetta Stone. Well, I did find your blog in the process. If you have any ideas, you can email me directly. (By the way, I do speak portuguese fluently, but I can't write half as well as you write in English).
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