Friday, September 05, 2014

Sometimes, I just want to sit down and have a good cry...

... But I have a hard time doing it. There are too many good things in my life, and I know I should count my blessings instead.

 Sometimes, however, it is too overwhelming! I am always doing too much, being pulled into too many directions. Most of all, this lack of a real job and a definite direction in my life sometimes takes its toll on me.

Today I spent four hours with other faculty at University number one, and I felt keenly aware that all those other people in the room had an actual job, but I didn't. After four full years of this, it is starting to get old and hard to bear. 

As much as I enjoy this these new initiatives, and getting to know more people at the University, and, why not say it? Being paid to go to this... Sometimes I wonder if it's not just a waste of my time. A waste of precious psychological energy too, all because I'm passionate about researching teaching and learning.

I love to learn new things! I enjoy challenges and working in a group. I thrive doing these activities (like various faculty institutes). But, at the end of the day, I know they're throwing crumbs at me by allowing "part-time faculty" to participate of these faculty enrichment activities.

I feel like saying outright "I have all these great ideas, why won't you just give me a job so I can put them into practice?" The associate dean was there, I wish I could have said this to him! I wish academia worked in a more straightforward manner. But it's impossible, there are too many of us desperate overqualified souls.

 Too many things go through my head as I walk around each of the campuses, that's why I just wish I could sit down and have a good cry.  But crying won't solve my problems.  It will provide momentary relief, but that just means I'll cry again soon in the future.

So I just hold the tears. I don't allow myself time to break down and feel like a failure (and I know I can still cry and know I'm not actually a failure, but still...).

I "spoke" this post into my phone while driving to pick up my boys from school. I'm almost there now, so I will stop. It felt funny, like I was recording for an NPR show! Maybe I will do this again soon!

This is not a letter or an email, but I still want to finish saying that I hope everybody has a good weekend! :-)

1 comment:

Unknown said...

Ha i have also been experimenting with using voice transcription to get stuff done while writing around. I so feel your sadness. It took me a long time to land a not very desirable tenure track job that solved a two body problem. I hated being of but not in the institutions that were more than happy to have me teach but not hire me FT