Sometimes, however, it is too overwhelming! I am always doing too much, being pulled into too many directions. Most of all, this lack of a real job and a definite direction in my life sometimes takes its toll on me.
Today I spent four hours with other faculty at University number one, and I felt keenly aware that all those other people in the room had an actual job, but I didn't. After four full years of this, it is starting to get old and hard to bear.
As much as I enjoy this these new initiatives, and getting to know more people at the University, and, why not say it? Being paid to go to this... Sometimes I wonder if it's not just a waste of my time. A waste of precious psychological energy too, all because I'm passionate about researching teaching and learning.
I love to learn new things! I enjoy challenges and working in a group. I thrive doing these activities (like various faculty institutes). But, at the end of the day, I know they're throwing crumbs at me by allowing "part-time faculty" to participate of these faculty enrichment activities.
I feel like saying outright "I have all these great ideas, why won't you just give me a job so I can put them into practice?" The associate dean was there, I wish I could have said this to him! I wish academia worked in a more straightforward manner. But it's impossible, there are too many of us desperate overqualified souls.
Too many things go through my head as I walk around each of the campuses, that's why I just wish I could sit down and have a good cry. But crying won't solve my problems. It will provide momentary relief, but that just means I'll cry again soon in the future.
So I just hold the tears. I don't allow myself time to break down and feel like a failure (and I know I can still cry and know I'm not actually a failure, but still...).
I "spoke" this post into my phone while driving to pick up my boys from school. I'm almost there now, so I will stop. It felt funny, like I was recording for an NPR show! Maybe I will do this again soon!
This is not a letter or an email, but I still want to finish saying that I hope everybody has a good weekend! :-)