Whole

Maybe it's weird, but I feel "whole" again now. It seemed, after all my indignation about the unfairness of how I was being treated and the distress I went through, that something was irreparably broken.

Walking around the sun-drenched building on my way to my office after I'd taught my classes on the first day (Tuesday) around 2 pm, I felt very raw and out of place. Not only because I was utterly exhausted, having slept only from 5-7:20 am and not having eaten a thing since about 10:30 pm the night before and feeling still slightly high on adrenaline, but because I felt just plain broken. Like a piece of cracked china that will eventually be discarded. I had fought and lost. I felt that I didn't really belong in that building. The only lecturer who was not full-time. The odd one.

And I opened my email to find a strange email from the chair that I didn't much like. I responded with two other emails, asking why we couldn't offer another class in the Spring, and by the time I wrote my "perspective" post he had written me a nice email saying he was meeting with the dean the next morning. I volunteered to compile some numbers in a document, showing that 24 students had remained on the waiting list (for a class of 18) when classes started and to demonstrate the demand for the class which, I argued, could be offered again in the Spring. I emailed him the document and went to bed.

To make a long story short, I talked to new hire (NH) briefly in the morning (s/he needed to approve of this plan of the new class, according to the chair -- I had also emailed NH the document) and had another brief meeting with the chair in the afternoon and s/he said that the dean had agreed with them letting me teach one more class and, thus, have a yearly full-time contract.

My husband had been bit upset about my angry email from the middle of the night, but I guess it worked... I'm happy, but the way things transpired was quite strange. Last Friday the chair had said that it looked promising, that he would use this money/line from "other language." Why did he change his mind? I really don't buy the "blaming the dean" story. Sigh... Since yesterday he said that he had told the dean that there wasn't a need to ask for funding because he was using another line that hadn't been used. (and I was "You said what??" in my head). Anyway... and there's one more thing that NH said that demonstrated that they'd obviously been talking to each other about the situation.

So... yeah, my fight will continue, but at least I don't feel broken anymore and I know that in the long run I'll be stronger and even more motivated to advocate for myself. Not that I have much, if any, leverage 'cause I don't.

Most importantly, I'm no longer the odd-one. Now I can look all my lecturer colleagues in the eye and not feel a pang inside. (Of course it's still kind of painful to know that some of my colleagues have a 3 year contract & make 50K, not 36). I've got a long way to go, I guess... we'll see what will happen.

(if you're curious, what I'd really like is that a position opened at U#1 where my husband works & I could go back there & not have the long commute anymore)