A Few Thoughts About Adoption

First things first: to say that adoption is an incredibly sensitive topic is a huge understatement... People have strong opinions about it, particularly those who are personally involved in it (or "part of the triad" as some adoption bloggers say).

I am usually not part of this discussion because, frankly, I don't know enough about it, only what I've experienced from talking to a few adopted/ adoptive parents in my extended family and friends and... from the blogosphere, but I sometimes I am stupid foolish enough to share my feelings on the subject.


I suppose this is part of the reason my recent post on the subject drew such a strong reaction from Jennie, and that's why I decided to write this post, which I probably should not be writing, but which I will, nevertheless, write.

And let me first say that I miss your blog, Jennie, I really enjoyed reading what you had to say and interacting with you via our blogs' comment sections. I am sorry that my post upset you so much and I just wanted so say a few things more about the subject. I will try not to re-read the comment since I don't want to feel that strange knot in my stomach again... and that unsettling nervousness that comes when someone reacts so angrily to what you wrote. My dry mouth is enough for now.

Regarding my previous post, I don't think I was right in kind of "blaming society" for Steve Jobs's biological dad's inability to reach out to him (and I forgot to mention that fear of rejection may be one other reason why he doesn't do it). It's obviously the man's own fault. And I really need to refer you to Jenna's* post on the subject. I asked her on twitter what she thought of the article and she responded with this post, the gist of which is her strong belief that the biological father should for once do his part and contact the son before it's too late.

What I want to say in this post is not that, though... it's pretty simple. Like many things in life, including human beings themselves who are so different from one another and diverse in terms of origin, personality, ethnicity, etc., there are different types of adoption. International adoption, domestic adoption, adoption of newborns, adoption of older children, foster care child(ren) adoption, etc.

Adoption as the means of providing a home for children (international or from this country) who would not otherwise have a loving family is undoubtedly a wonderful, if still painful (because it still involves loss, with much greater gain, of course), solution to the problem of children without a home.

When I wrote my post, however, I was thinking specifically of domestic newborn adoptions, particularly of white babies. This type of adoption is one that the ethical adoption reform movement is most concerned about and in which there are sometimes some unethical practices since the demand for healthy white babies is way higher than the "supply." That's where coercion (or coercive tactics sometimes employed by the adoption agencies or unethical adoption lawyers) takes place -- young women in complicated situations (Jenna, for example had failing kidneys and had to stay on full bed-rest, so she couldn't work to support herself and the baby that was on the way) and who already feel unsure and insecure about their ability to parent are made to believe that it's in their and their baby's best interest to give him/her up when they could certainly have parented. There are also unethical lawyers that prey on such young women offering to pay for prenatal care, etc. and then they feel obligated to give up the baby in the end.

OK, I don't think I should continue, actually... and I won't. It is a depressing subject and one that cannot be merely explained -- I believe that one of the gifts of the internet is that we can grow as people by being able to learn other people's stories, "listen" to them and be touched by them and this is a subject that I learned a whole lot about and from various perspectives (including American Family's ongoing experience of having found her daughter's birth family in China -- you have to click for earlier entries at the bottom of the page).

So... yeah, I have nothing else to say about this topic because other, more experienced, people have much more significant things to say than I do (and I can't think of a way to make that last sentence sound any better... I guess I'm just too tired right now, sorry).

Oh, and my apologies if these ended up being more than "a few" thoughts!

*Jenna is a birthmother who has been blogging about her experience for many years, including for an adoption themed site and since 2006 in The Chronicles of Munchkinland. She and her daughter are part of an open adoption and she shares her experience (and her family's) very candidly in the blog.