This may sound like a very lame excuse, but it's very true. Another reason why I don't post as often as I'd like is that in the process of reading other people's posts, some even quite short, not elaborate at all, I find out (each time more strongly), that I really don't know how to write well.
(OK, I already know what you're going to say -- many of you do think quite the contrary, that I do write well, etc... I agree that I do know how to write satisfactorily, but I just don't have a "gift" like some other people do to get things just right, to add just the right amount of humor, to have a "punchline" at the end that brings you back to the beginning of the "piece." That, and much more, I feel that I can't do, or can do only VERY rarely. I wish I had the guts to "spill out" my feelings about writing, but that would involve confronting very ugly feelings of envy and inadequacy. I have a whole long post written down in my journey last year, but I don't have the courage to type it up and share it.)
Then, because of the beautiful, smart, funny, thoughtful things I read on other people's blogs, I set up high standards for myself and I simply don't have time to "perfect" my ideas into "postable blog posts." So then all I can do is to come here and write these boring "meta-blog" posts when I wish I could be writing about many many other things.
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Now, changing the subject abruptly... we just had a wonderful afternoon and evening with friends which made me think that if I was able to interact with "real-life" friends more often, maybe I wouldn't need blogging so much. However, I just realize that journaling has been a very important part of my life since I was 13 and wrote my first journal entries to get off my chest the feelings about a first teenage "passion." I never stopped journaling from them on and I often wished I could share my journals with my friends (but there was NEVER time), so it's only natural that I do so here in the blog -- both the journaling and the sharing. I guess I should write my bitter-sweet "first falling in love" at 13 story sometime.
You know... I've come across people who are totally embarrassed about the teenage angst expressed in their journals of that time and I guess this is a really universal phenomenon -- one of these days reading about Dooce's get together in NYC I found out about this fascinating event called Cringe that has been taking place at a bar in Brooklyn for a while now and that has even become a book -- I, however, am not embarrassed at all by my old journals and my feelings at that time, for that matter. Really. There's not much to cringe about, not even in my badly written "poetry." I guess I was a very "serious" girl (and still am, up to a certain point) - a very happy, very sociable and friendly girl, but a bit "geeky" I guess (I really don't know if I should be using this label, I don't know enough about the full meaning of this word, but from what little I know about American culture, I probably was/am, a geek). Either that or I just have too much self-esteem or I'm completely deluded. :-)
Well, anyway, it's always good to "meta-blog" because I come at the other side feeling so much better about me and my writing. See? Blogging is both the trouble and the cure!
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2 comments:
Lilian, I know exactly what you mean about feeling insecure after reading all those wonderfully-written blog posts out there. For me this is made even worse by the fact that I generally think of myself as a good writer, yet my blog posts don't reflect that, certainly not in the way that some of these other bloggers do/are.
What I have done is just come to terms with the fact that right now, I don't have the time or energy to dedicate to producing writerly blog posts, so I give myself permission to just blog for me and the small circle of readers I do have, without worrying about stats or attracting a larger audience, etc.
I appreciate reading the blogs of those who do take the time (or else for whom it comes naturally enough that it doesn't take them any more time than it takes me to do my boring posts) but I also don't let it make me feel bad.
Right now I'm working on a couple of writing things that are not related to the blog, and I will put in the time there to pull off something I feel good about. But for the blog, I'm just letting it be an outlet and not worrying too much about how I compare. There are plenty of blogs I read not for the super quality of the writing but because I have come to care about the bloggers and I want to know what's going on with them and what they are thinking about, etc. I assume my (regular) readers feel the same way about my blog-- there for the content, not the form, and I think that's aperfectly acceptable way of blogging.
Maybe that won't help, but I just thought I'd throw it out there...
I really enjoy your writing and I can totally relate to how you feel when you read those with a lot of wit and charm. For me, it always takes so long to write. When I started my blog I thought it would be reasonable to write one post a week. That's not working really well for me at all. So I just write whenever I can and finish whenever I can. If I were paid for each word I posted, I would be really poor!
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