Pledging Allegiance? Bearing Arms? Conflicted feelings about (not) joining the Divided States of America

I have always had qualms about becoming a citizen anyway, always. As a self described accidental immigrant* who spent years proudly saying that I didn't like it here, that I wanted to go back to Brazil, etc., when we ended up staying and becoming residents (back in 2008) I suspected we might become citizens someday just for the convenience of it, if not by conviction.
    (big parenthetical remark:)
In fact, the main reason why we haven't done it since we became eligible in late 2012 is that we weren't willing to "pay up." K's brothers tease us mercilessly about this, but $ 1,600 makes a big difference when you have a tight budget. We kept deciding to use that money to travel (mostly to Brazil). Oh, and there's also the question of travel -- it seems you can't leave the country while applying for citizenship until it's all approved -- and we're always traveling outside the country (even if just to visit brother-in-law K4 and his family in Canada). So, in addition to the money situation, we hadn't really decided we were committed to doing it, we were not convinced we wanted to go ahead, so we kept putting it off.

We seemed to be very close to that conviction when we arrived from Brazil back in August, though (I even blogged about filling the application and What Now? congratulated us -- thanks! ;-). My husband talked about how he felt he belonged here more than he did in Brazil (it's been 20 years, after all) and he started filling out the forms and checking what we needed to do to finally become citizens. His father's sudden death meant that now his mother is very interested in becoming a resident and she cannot do that through my other two brother-in-law who are naturalized because they are living abroad now. K was also relieved that his father got sick and died here because of the good care he received, particularly the "end of life" part of it (facilitated by my mother-in-law's cousin, a nurse who specializes in this area). K thought that being in the U.S. in this heartbreaking situation made very tangible difference for his dad, his mom and him and his brothers. It would have been different in Brazil in many ways, particularly in unlimited access to the patient in the ICU, and the ability to make certain decisions to ensure a peaceful end with minimal intervention. 

However, while filling the forms, K came across a little box that he/we needed to check. It said that he/we would be willing to bear arms to defend this country under circumstances that would warrant it. Interestingly, if you're born here, you don't ever have to say such a thing (a friend of ours remarked that if she had to say that to be a citizen she wouldn't want to do it either). It seems that one can still become a citizen while saying it's against one's conscience to bear arms;** we think that K's uncle did that and we were planning to ask him how it went. Taking such a stance, however, would certainly delay the processing of our application and we were in a hurry, wishing to travel abroad next Summer. 

Then, we got really busy and put it off once more and then...

... the election happened. 

You know, I was upset that I couldn't vote and was looking forward to the day I would be able to, but this "creature's" election has given us fresh new reasons not to "pledge allegiance" to this nation. Being an immigrant is hard enough, but having to put up with this level of xenophobia and anti-immigrant sentiment is excruciating. Maybe being a citizen would be helpful, at least I wouldn't have to hear my young son ask whether I could be kicked out of the country and what would be of him if that happened. I wanted to vote to elect a different president next time, but right now, it feels really good to be able to say that this man not my president because I don't really "belong" to this country in that way. I live here, though, and we have decided to do so permanently. I have nothing to fear -- except in the case of the fear of becoming a political dissident if the threats to free speech continue -- so maybe I should just go ahead and "join" you all, but I'm just too conflicted right now to make this decision! 

I finally (only now!) got to read "Farewell America" an excellent essay by Neal Gabler from Nov. 10 and its opening lines make this decision even more complex:

America died on Nov. 8, 2016, not with a bang or a whimper, but at its own hand via electoral suicide. We the people chose a man who has shredded our values, our morals, our compassion, our tolerance, our decency, our sense of common purpose, our very identity — all the things that, however tenuously, made a nation out of a country.

If this country died, why should I join it? Is there anything left to join? And he continues:

Whatever place we now live in is not the same place it was on Nov. 7. No matter how the rest of the world looked at us on Nov. 7, they will now look at us differently. We are likely to be a pariah country. And we are lost for it.

I am looking at this country differently. Heck, I'm looking at life differently, something shattered, life is not the same. Sarah Kendzior's beautiful essay talks about how Americans elected someone bent on destroying the country and advises us, well, more like begs us, to reflect on our lives and values before it's too late. I hadn't read her essay until last night, but its title had already inspired an unwritten blog post that sits in my drafts. I'd titled it "I always try to be my own light" and I do. That's why I'm writing this post, that's why I've been blogging for 12 years. She says: "I want you to write about who you are, what you have experienced, and what you have endured." Check, I've written over 2,000 posts about this (maybe I need to back up this blog, right? So it cannot be taken away by Google). She continues:

Write down what you value; what standards you hold for yourself and for others. Write about your dreams for the future and your hopes for your children. Write about the struggle of your ancestors and how the hardship they overcame shaped the person you are today.

Write your biography, write down your memories. Because if you do not do it now, you may forget.

And this is what I have been trying to do all along and will strive to do more.

I am upset and angry, I don't know what to do next. K and I will have to talk this whole "citizenship idea" over a lot. Sigh... I know there's a lot more I wanted to say, but I've been trying to write this post for weeks and I want to "publish" it before it becomes too dated. I'm sure I'll be blogging more about this issue since life as an immigrant is one of the main topics of this blog!

(I wrote the final paragraph before writing the previous ones with the quotations, but I will leave the ending as is) 

*I'm sure I'm not the original creator of this term, but I love to use it and I have yet to do a search to see who else has been using it.

** There is a film about a man from our particular religious denomination who was a "conscientious objector" playing in theaters right now (I haven't seen it, but may see it someday).

scheduled post, finished at 1:24 am. 

Some light heartdedness before I go "heavy" on here

Nah, this is really not going to be light-hearted. It's mostly a post about the things that are bothering me right now. Well... these are light, compared to the "heavier" things I want to share in posts I have already started writing or am planning to write, that's all. Sigh...

First, I'd like to remark (in a meta-blogging kind of way) that I haven't been blogging more often and also sharing more "fluff" and photos as I'd like to because the blogger app is no longer working on my phone. I wasn't aware of it (because it still worked for me), but back in February the app was pulled by Google from the iphone's app store. Now I found out about it because I can't get the app to work, it's frustrating. :-(

Second, I am overwhelmed by lots of "little things" that I haven't been doing or haven't had time to do and which weigh in my conscience and make me full of angst and cranky. Examples: I need to transfer photos from my phone and from the camera's memory cards so I can back them up (and free space on the phone to take more photos, duh). I haven't taken care of the weeds in the garden in months and months! BTW, that's not a little thing, it's a HUGE depressing thing that is driving me nuts because the ground will freeze and it will be all horrible and ARGHHHHH!!! My next house won't have a yard so I can't ever feel bad like this again... this is killing me! :-(  (and has been for the better part of the five years we've been in this house). Not to mention the messy garage that we never have time to tackle and yada yada yada. Most boring whiny post ever, I know.

OK, I will label this post (Blah) and move on.

Last, but not least, it's time again for this very demanding volunteer project at our church. I haven't really said too much about it in the past five years we've been part of it (only as part of a short post last year and a few lines in 2013)... but it's a "live theater" kind of event, extremely elaborate (particularly in the number of people involved). It has a (first) advent theme, but it's not really a "nativity" play. It lasts over 40 minutes for each group of 20 people who go through many scenes and a small Palestinian town with a market place, craftspeople, etc. There are 19-20 groups each night, leaving every 10 minutes, so the whole thing goes for nearly 4 hours. My husband and I are guides, so we have the longest speaking parts, but also the less demanding role (doing your part 3 times per night, while walking and interacting with the group and other people for 40 minutes versus doing the same thing 19-20 times for 3.5 hours with short breaks and being cold a lot because most of it is outdoors). The event goes on for FIVE nights (Thu-Mon), so it's a huge commitment, but it's also very enjoyable -- we interact with lots of people, not only from the church, but the guests that come. Our 14 year old son is a guide this year as well with one of his classmates. Our youngest has been a "school-boy" for 5 years (as was his brother until two years ago).

Yeah... OK, now let me try to finish one of those "heavy" posts...

Thanksgiving in Michigan... thinking of other bloggers during trip

I'm still grieving and upset, but I am actively choosing to avoid listening to or reading the news. I feel a knot in my stomach just by looking at email updates from Time magazine (we're still print subscribers) and thinking about their (now dreaded for me) "person of the year" issue. Sigh... My dear friend wrote very poignantly a couple of days ago about the thought of "empty tomorrows." I've always looked forward to future days, but right now it's hard to look into the unpredictable future that awaits those living in this country. OK, moving on from that, this is supposed to be an "Update" post and those are often cheery.

Last week we traveled to a place close to Michigan's Southwestern shore to spend Thanksgiving with K's cousin D who is finishing his master's degree there. D and his wife are expecting a baby girl (due Jan. 1st) and it was very nice to spend time with them. We did a quick side trip to Chicago on Friday and we played lots of board game. Their friends had a potluck Thanksgiving celebration at the house of their friend who is a pretty well-known Brazilian food blogger (I'm linking to her Christmas dinner "post" so you can see some of the decorations that were actually used in our dinner. I have photos, maybe I'll include some of them later). It was nice, and I was the one providing all of the "traditional" American Thanksgiving touches: cranberry sauce (I had made "only" 14 quarts of cranberry sauce for my son's elementary school banquet last week and I had taken leftovers), the Yams with Pecan Praline (a recipe I posted TEN YEARS ago!), roasted Brussels sprouts, and butternut squash "pudding" (crust-less pie).

What I really wanted to blog about, though, is that during the whole trip I kept thinking of the bloggers and former bloggers who live (or grew up) in places not too far from our route or from our destination. When we drove around Pittsburgh and into Ohio, I thought of Jenna who grew up there. Then, when I saw the sign for Fort Wayne I thought of my friend and former blogger Professing Mama. And when we went to Chicago I thought of Doctor Mama Esquire who lives there now, and of Jamie who is not that far away. I still want to meet these women! And I really miss all those who quit blogging along the way and who are one of the main reasons I'm on facebook a lot.

OK, gotta go because I have lots to do! I have one week of classes left (YAY!) and I have tons of grading to do. Hopefully I'll blog more in the coming days. 19 more posts to get to my "116" total for 2016. Yeah, I'm doing that, just to be cute. That was the main reason why I skipped "NaBloPoMo" for the first time in 9 years (with the exception of 2012 when I wrote only 25 times in November) -- very silly, right? In a way I'm glad I wasn't blogging daily. There would have been lots of anguish and despair about the election. Sigh... 2016 was a crazy year, that's for sure! :-(   

Still Grieving and Anxious about this Unprecedented Election... It's Scary to be in Uncharted Territory!

A few things I haven't shared in the blog, if you're my facebook friend (which you're welcome to be!) you've seen the first one:

• Last Wednesday it was tough to teach. I was stunned and upset and students were too. Students were crying. One Asian(-American) young woman cried non-stop for 10 minutes or more. I think she was trying to control herself, but I after I started the class speaking English to them, saying that I was going to let them speak about the election for a bit (and do some "therapy"), so I think that motivated her not to hold it in and just cry. I mentioned something about this kind of happening before when Al Gore lost and so they earnestly asked me what had happened in 2000, so I pulled information about that and showed it to them (it was heartbreaking to think about that too). And when I switched to Portuguese the review grammar lesson I'd planned was actually about the election too. In the second section nobody was crying, but they teared up when I mentioned the student who cried. It seems all of my students were in agreement, outraged, and confused. If anyone disagreed they were quiet and didn't let it show at all.

• On Wednesday night my 12 year old was worried and asked whether the fact that we're not citizens yet (more on that in another post, my husband is now against becoming a citizen) meant that they could kick us out of the country. "What would happend to me?" he wondered. I suppose they could deny the renewal of our green-cards, but I feel that's unlikely, unless maybe we become activists or something -- which I totally wanted to do, not to be kicked out of the country, of course, but just because it would feel useful. Sigh... In any case, how many millions of children are legitimately scared about this possibility? And what about the thousands (700K) of young people on DACA?

• My husband was so troubled, particularly on Thursday morning. He wasn't sleeping well and was very upset, like I have seen him very few times.

•  I have been spending way too much time on Facebook -- thankfully a tiny percentage of people I'm in touch with there has unsavory things to say about the election. In a way it felt like a huge support group, but after a while the negativity builds up and it gets a bit toxic. I have to try to not be on facebook that much. I'm glad I was on and saw my friend Sarah mention that the opening of SNL had been great, so I didn't miss Dave Chappelle's great show.

• It took me a while to be able to stomach listening to the news (I don't watch news, I only listen to NPR) and I am planning on avoiding as much as possible seeing or listening to the voice of that man. During SNL's Weekend Update I actually covered part of the TV screen so I wouldn't see his face. That's another reason why I should stay off Facebook.

I'm sure there would be lots more to say, but I just wanted to finish by saying that the worst part of all this is the "unprecedented" and "uncharted territory" -- it's impossible to foresee what's going to happen! Not only because this has never happened -- the election of a completely unprepared person who seems to be actually unwilling to do the actual work of POTUS, but also because of his unpredictable ways. Everyone is saying that they would "love to be wrong," but right now there is still lots of reasons to fear.

I hope we're wrong, but something tells me, deep down, that it won't be good. I can't be good. And... what if this creature is reelected? What if? :-(

There are just too many worries and concerns. It's hard to stop grieving and move on. What about the environment? Foreign relations? the Middle East & Syria and the refuge crisis? What about the immigrants (including me)? What about marriage equality and access to contraceptives and Roe vs. Wade? And the Affordable Care Act?

Let's all hope we're wrong, that our fears are unfounded, I'm sure everyone would love to be proven wrong. Sigh...

The Dystopian Future is Here :-(

Although I hope I may be wrong. I'd LOVE to be wrong, really!! I never hoped so much in my life that I may be wrong about my gut feelings and impressions about "this man" and his upcoming "regime" (which is what he called the current presidency). This hasn't been funny for a long time, but now it's downright despair-inducing and terrifying.

This is what I wrote on facebook at 1:52 am on election night. I tried to post this from my phone multiple times yesterday morning, but I think the Blogger app is broken:

The dystopian future that literature has been warning about for years and years is here. The Brave New World of 1984, Fahrenheit 451, The Handmaid's Tale, Parable of the Sower, and, more recently, The Hunger Games is closer to reality. Go read those books if you haven't and let's prepare for a new reality in which facts may not matter anymore and prejudices speak louder than reason.

(I taught these classic "dystopian fiction" books multiple times as a teaching assistant and I learned to love the genre, these books are important, especially now! It's just kind of sad that they make me realize all that could happen if extremists ideas are carried out to their full extent.)

Thankfully most people weren't online, or I might have gotten a handful of negative comments, so that didn't happen. In any case, I with I had received more comments from like-minded people, but I decided not to re-post my thoughts yesterday. Just because I have a few people as "friends" who disagree with me and because I feel very unsafe on facebook, although I've spent many many hours there in the past two days.

I stayed up to the bitter end, on election night. I took screenshots on my phone of the unbelievable progression of NYT's graphs and charts. I also took photos of the TV screen, as it was so unbelievable -- Trump saying his victory speech while most of the networks hadn't still called his victory (not even Fox, at first). It was very surreal.

I didn't have a chance to finish watching Hillary's concession speech from yesterday (my brother- and sister-in-law facetimed us from Canada as we were watching the broadcast online and K spent a long time talking to them and explaining it). I haven't read many pieces on the elections, I have, though, read what most of my friends on facebook had to say.

I unfollowed a few people during the election, a couple of which ended up commenting back to me on other people's threads recently. I have spent some time trying gently to tell some people to be more sensitive (this one woman I know was saying the protesters should "grow up and get over it."

Sigh... There are too many thoughts in my head right now. I hope to write a couple more posts to share them and do "cheap therapy." Oh, yeah...

Last, but not least, if you're a Back to the Future fan the way our family is, you'll know that yesterday we woke up on the alternate 1985 and Biff Tannen is in charge, check out the image in this tweet. Sigh...

We need to find a way to fix it, too bad we can't travel back in time!

Oh no! Is she going to lose?????

What some people are saying is that this countryside INCREDIBLY sexist, even more than it is racist. 

Sigh...

Unbelievable. And the two third party candidates seem to be doing real harm. :-(

10:20 NYT says 80% chance of Trump winning! :-(

NaBloPoMo?

I guess that maybe I'm going to try blogging daily in November once more, although that will defeat this recent idea I had of maybe posting 116 times this year (to look cute, since I can't possibly reach 216). Writing every day in November will take me to 123. ;-P

Oh well, maybe I'll change my mind so I can do 116 posts.

More tomorrow!

Quick "Hi" & ULTRA Busy Weekend Recap

I'm alive, just busy. Maybe not as overwhelmed, due to the fact that I'm working less and one other thing I will hopefully blog about at some point.

I've started at least one link-filled post about laundry (last Sunday!) and in the end didn't finish. The funny thing is that I'm doing laundry right now, and will have to be up until the wash is done and I can stick it all in the drier (so I should go finish that post! but I won't).

OK, yeah, lame post. Just to recap the last week: I began shopping for the once a semester dinner that I cook for all my students (40-50 people!) a week ago. Then I started preparing some of the food ahead of time to freeze. More shopping followed on Thursday & Friday.

The weekend started with a BANG: an event at church which involved the 200 students of the boarding academy my son attends (as a day student); then we had friends for lunch the next day after church (something our sons had been asking for, given that this other family's son is my one of my eldest son's closets friends). Then Saturday night there was an event at the elementary school. K dropped our youngest son off and I went an hour later, but managed to escape and (just because I was super busy and had to continue cooking for the next day's dinner...  HAHAHA!) I took my eldest son to town to shop for some clothes because I had a couple of coupons and he really needs/wants a suit. We hit Kohls and Target and came back, and I cooked until 1 am.

I did sleep in on Sunday (till 9!) even though I shouldn't have, but my husband was coming with me to help me with the dinner for the first time in 4.5 years, so I indulged. We had to make sure we had arranged rides for both sons who had, respectively, a soccer game (for which we were providing snacks) & a "barn party" at school, and we were successful with those arrangements. K drove and I sent a bunch of frantic last minute emails to students about parking and reminders.

It went really well, even though my colleague (formerly "new hire" here in the blog) forgot about the event and did not show up! Two graduate students came as well as a few former-students, including one who drove from out of town (U#1) and invited two late-coming guests.

We made it back home and I didn't have to stay at my friends' house!

Guess what we're going this week/weekend -- are we taking it easy and doing low-key stuff?

ABSOLUTELY NOT, we're crazy, that's who we are. We're driving to the D.C. area tomorrow to spend about 15-6 hours with my mother-in-law since she's there with a tour group. Then we come back home and... wait for it! Drive to Philly for the weekend. In spite of a soccer game on Sunday, I'm not really in a rush to get back. We'll see, if we miss soccer it's fine...

Yeah, and I should be working now (preparing exams), and here I am, blogging, of course!

First Red! ;-) :-/

Most of the post was written while I was getting my pedicure. 

K and I are flying to LA tomorrow to attend a friend's wedding on Monday (this is the year of friends' weddings galore!). It's crazy to do a whirlwind trip like this in the middle of the semester, but hopefully it will be a nice getaway for the two of us.

I bought a dress yesterday (at Anthropologie, on clearance!) 

and today I picked nail polish colors to match. I had never done red before and I love it! 

Except that I just walked inside mg house carrying a large Costco pizza, my backpacks, and some bags, and... I bumped into one of the brick steps and chipped my one hour old pedicure!!!!!! :-(

So frustrating! 

The fingernails are lighter and I hope they won't chip before Monday! 

Sigh...
ETA:
P.S. Jen, I'm sorry I did my nails without you, I never do that! ;-) ;-P  But I think you weren't done at work yet! Oh, and I also went to Tammy's instead of Holly. They're a tad more expensive, but I think they're a bit better! (and their chairs most definitely work). Still creepy old men, sigh... :-/

I can't believe I didn't have a "Fluff" label!! Hahahaha, created!

Another 12 Hour Day

They are much less frequent now (YAY!), but once in a while I still pull out a 12-hour-day out of the house. 

Sometimes (ok, often) not because of work, but because I go shopping or browsing, but today I really did work late, past 5:30 pm. 

Glad to have just arrived home, though! 

Blogroll mostly back

I spent some time today trying to remember as best as I could the blogs that were in my now-gone blogroll and I think that I was able to do it for the most part.

This brought home the sad realization that there are very few people left in "blogland" and most people aren't posting anymore. :-(

oh well... I do this mostly for myself, so I'm still here.

All the Music Ever (OK, Almost!) ;-)

We resisted, I resisted...

Digital music is/was not my thing. I like to buy/own CDs, I love to read the liner notes. I want to know what year songs were written -- ok, that last part is generally available online. I like to OWN my music, but not paying track by track and I was outraged at the idea to pay a monthly fee for music, for video, for anything. So we've been using Spotify free for as long as it's been available (I think we began using it the day it came out or the day after -- for a few things we're early adopters).

In addition to Spotify, I did buy a few digital albums here and there in the past few years. I bought some CDs too (mostly when the music was not available digitally) and really cheap in Brazil (on my birthday).

A few months ago, though, our teenager began to pay monthly for a Google Play/YouTube Red membership, out of his own money (which he actually needs to pay for his Minecraft server and other things) and it didn't make any sense not to upgrade to a family membership, it just didn't...

(I also did some research, mostly by reading this very thorough comparison of Google Play, Spotify & Apple Music) 

So last weekend my husband got the family membership and just now I accessed it for the first time and began to add albums. I've had the app on my phone for a while, but haven't used.

And, you know...

... as much as I hate to admit it, I think this is going to work! ;-) It will be tremendous time-suck to have access to nearly all the music ever, but I think it'll be great.

I just found last year's album by my favorite (OK, I have many favorites!) Brazilian singer, Ivan Lins, that I hadn't known about before. And look at that album art, gorgeous!

So, yeah... let me go back to cleaning the family room with some lovely samba/Brazilian music in the background. I seriously want to print out this album art for my office!!

I now don't like NBC but l'm still watching SNL

And thankfully the debate spoof wasn't that terrible. I think SNL doesn't have much influence in the electorate, does it? I really enjoyed all previous elections (since I started watching SNL).

Oh, they finally have a Hispanic woman, wow! 

Hmmm... Have they ever had any Asian of any gender? 

Anyway, I keep watching and not finishing this post...

(BTW, it's the first show my 14 year old is watching with us (after all, it's PG-14)

... But the "Family Feud" game show political edition was really funny! With a bonus Daryl Hammond as Bill Clinton. 

Ok, that's it for unintentionally live-blogging SNL tonight. ;-P

ETA: I really disliked Weekend Update! They were trying to be equally negative about both... Not really funny. 

Ok, to be fair the black vs white banter between Colin & Michael was good/funny  & Kenan Thompson's David Ortiz was HILARIOUS!! I love, love, love Kenan!!

Just because my mom begged me to. :-)

And now for a little fluff... While I slowly rebuild my blog roll... :-/

I'm actually using "wrinkle cream". Sigh... My mom actually just meant that I should use some good hydrating cream, but I may as well try. It won't hurt is all I say... And I refuse to spend hundreds on stuff I don't really believe in, so I'll  just stick to the inexpensive brands. (My plan is to try different ones).

Favorite Blogs List and Feed is GONE!! :-( WHY?

Well... it looks like blogging really will have to be over soon for me or I will have to move to another platform. If I can't use my blog to get the feed of my friends' blogs, then what's the use of it?

I'm trying to understand what's going on, but just last night I checked the blogs listed on my side-bar and now they are gone. Do I need to add them back up from memory? Searching for each blog? :-(

Maybe it's a temporary problem (this has happened once before and after a day or so the blogroll was back in place, to my relief), but maybe it's not, since there's a message saying that my "HTTPS" settings have been changed in the blog.

Whatever is going on, it's pretty distressing, annoying, and is making me sad. And nobody will read this if their own blogrolls are gone! :-(

I just checked Jo(e)'s blog and her list of a few blogs from her blogroll is still there! Why is mine gone? (says she pouting).

Well... ridiculous 21st century problem, right? It still disrupts my life, though. A small part of it, but it does.

And I didn't even intend to be blogging, just came here to check if there were any new posts from friends to read.

OK, before I go, I'll start making a new blogroll from scratch and see if this one will be gone too!

So Much to Blog About, So Little...

... I don't know... time to sit down at the computer because I've been RIDICULOUSLY productive for the past three days?

Seriously, though, I have. And I will even have some video footage to prove it, although when it's turned into a time-lapse it will become a few seconds of work. Hopefully more on that someday soon.

I have tons of things to "talk" about over here. Mostly with myself, I guess, but I know that one or two people sometimes comment, which is nice!

So, yeah, I will try as much as possible to come back and blog more. Not just desperate politically motivated posts. We need some fluff! And some serious ADHD discussion. (really? maybe).

Hyperventilating Until After Election Day

I couldn't bring myself to watch the debate. I followed from afar, just through a few if my friends on Facebook and the handful of people I follow on Twitter (including Michael Moore whom I love).

I have this constant feeling that I'm hyperventilating when I think of the election. I despair thinking that there is an unbelievable chance that I could be feeling the same way for four years -- please don't let that happen, you folks who can vote!!! I've never felt so powerless in my life not being able to vote yet!

I feel so discouraged! I wish i could have the guts to tell the people in my church and school community that I wish they would just abstain from voting, because in this election, I'm feeling personally attacked. If these people vote for him, they are voting against me -- an immigrant and a woman. :-(

In the past, Republican candidates were, for the most part, "normal," respectable, reasonable men. That is not the case now. Drumpf is neither of those things, quite the contrary. If he were only an ill-prepared 6 time bankrupt businessman who does not have any concrete plans would be bad, but he is a bigot, a racist, a mysogynist, a narcissist, a joke*! :-(

How could this be happening? I ask myself over and over! It's not funny, it hasn't been funny for a while now.  I'm DREADING the start of SNL. Making fun of this election is SACRILEGIIOUS! I think that after watching that Samantha Bee denouncement of NBC I cannot watch this channel anymore (the only one I've turned in sporadically for SNL or the Olympics) with a clear conscience.

I just wanted to go to sleep and wake up on Nov. 9 to good news. 

Please, if you're a conservative, would you consider abstaining from voting?

* He makes Sarah Paling seem almost endearing. 

My 2016 Sountrack: Coldplay's _Ghosts Stories_

The year hasn't ended yet, but I want to record this here...

Before the holidays last year I somehow "discovered" Coldplay's sad, nostalgic, "break-up" album, Ghost Stories and I became obsessed with it (I don't know how I didn't come across it earlier -- I'm just not that much into pop music, but Colplay -- which I know some people hate -- I love!).

I really wanted to have been able to buy Target's deluxe edition album that came with three bonus tracks, but it was no longer available. (Yes, I still buy CDs on occasion, that is about to change because we've decided to get a family subscription to Google Play & I cannot believe I'm having to surrender to digital/streaming music!) :-(

So, these are my absolute favorites, although it's hard to choose:
1. "O" or "Fly On"

2. "Oceans"


3. "Always in My Head"

4. "True Love"

5. "A Star Full of Skies" (SERIOUSLY, that's what I said one day in the car to my sons, and then I followed it with "A Dream Full of Heads." They laughed and laughed at their crazy silly mama!), ooops, "Sky Full of Stars"


I'm not super crazy for Magic, Midnight & Another's Arms, but I like them OK enough to have wanted to buy the whole album. Thankfully, I've been able to listen to it offline thanks to Amazon Prime, but my son assures us that Google has way more music. I guess I need to trust what he's saying!

Hi?

Writer's block?

Frustration with little things in life? (Yes: weeds in garden, poor plants never planted and almost dying. Soon it will be too late for them).

Busy? Yes... but the good "new normal" busy that I really want to write more about soon.

I haven't given up blogging, nope. I'm just a die-hard fan of the genre that "changed my life" -- too bad it's not what younger people like.

OK, I hope to do a real update soon, but for now this "throwaway post" will have to do.

:-)

137

that very predictable day in which I debate the possibility of reaching a "cute matchy" number of posts this year: 216.

I've made it in the past two years, but this is the year I've written the least posts so far. By this time last year, I had only about 83 posts to go (I'd written 132 posts by the end of August, this year only 75).

Nah, I don't think I will try to accomplish this useless feat this year...

And I was reading about this new platform, Medium, where posts look gorgeous, but I'm sure I could never move this behemoth blog over there, so I'll just stay here for now.

P.S. I'm pretty positive I've lost all the gorgeous photos I took on May 31st in New York City. Unless I copied them to my mom's computer. My only hope. I don't even recall having looked at those photos. Maybe at my parents' house? Maybe? My sadness is great, but so is my numbness and indifference in a way... what does it matter? Who even cares? I know my son will be upset... but he's partly to blame because he's ALWAYS, CONSTANTLY at the computer, preventing me from downloading the photos from the cards.

I still cannot believe that may have happened.

Conflicted feelings about this 15th anniversary

Five  years ago I wrote a nice post about 9/11, but I feel so conflicted now. It's a particularly bad moment in the history of this country. One that I hope to look back to in months and years ahead and be glad that it's over. Because if that man becomes president, wow... I don't know... it's just unimaginable, but so very possible.

(and the worst possible moment to be filling a citizenship application. I know, it's a ridiculous way to tell you about it as well, but whatever, now you know)

Things that make me upset: The reports about all the 9/11 responders are dying of cancer and suffering from other ailments. How plausible the arguments made by the Architects and Engineers for 9/11 Truth are (Am I going to be surveilled by the government from now on for writing this?). How the consequences of the Iraq war are still haunting the world to this day.

Too many things. I was going to share some photos of the Ground Zero memorial, but I can't find them in my external hard drive and now I'm stressed (thinking I may have lost some amazing photos of that day back in May. Sigh...).

Yeah, it's a crazy world and I have no words or energy to go into it right now.

Not very productive day

Most boring post title ever? Yeah, probably. Nothing like a day after the other, right? :-P

It's almost 6 pm and I haven't cooked the huge batch of tomato sauce that I planned to (although I still want to do it) and I tried to do the last of the few things my husband asked me to do (to pay the water bill in the city offices) and... well... I got there half an hour late! :-(

And... I haven't yet sent the emails that I needed to send my students. BOOOOO! I hope to do that in the next few minutes and then... I'll go tackle that box of tomatoes. Peeling, seeding, sauteing with onions & garlic.

I did wash a couple of loads of laundry (which, in fact, makes me more contrary than happy, more on that when I blog about school uniforms!) and... took a bunch of donations to a community service place.

And read a bit.

Sigh. Not too happy today. Super productive days set a bar too high to keep up with! ;-P

Super Productive Day?

Let's see what was accomplished. Maybe a list would be best, but here is the day's chronology:

- put load of laundry to wash;
- drove hubby to work (20 minutes away, to the South);
- went to Costco and bought only what was on my list (good accomplishment!): a pineapple, cat food, and toilet paper;
- returned plastic drawers that didn't fit inside bathroom cabinets I'm trying to organize;
- purchased metal shelving that maybe will fit and cubes for cube storage shelves we already have in the living room and family room;
- went to farmer's market (I'm buying tomatoes like crazy to make sauce and freeze)

- drove back home and hung laundry, put another load to wash;
- picked up oldest child early from school and began arranging the cube storage (metal shelves didn't fit cabinets :( so I put them back in the trunk to return);
- picked up youngest son and took both boys to the dentist (20 mins. North).
- took oldest to store while youngest had teeth cleaned to buy deodorant and acne stuff;
- drove back home, first dropping oldest at school for him to work;
- stopped by the "Main street" hairdresser who was free and had time to quickly cut youngest son's hair;
- at home, hung second load of laundry (it was pretty late, after 4 pm, but the day was hot and windy, so it was ok) -- first load was completely dry;
- picked up oldest and, after a few minutes at home, drove him to another hair salon for his scheduled haircut appointment.
- picked the now dry clothes and drove with youngest son to town (20 mins. South);
- son's glasses were adjusted at the store & I bought a t-shirt and fragrance spray for oldest at popular store with teens (NEVER thought I'd give in and shop there, name begins with H); bought pretzel sticks as reward for patient kid.
- picked up  husband and drove back to the elementary school where son had forgotten homework and nice teacher met us and opened the door.
- finally back home! Only leftovers for everyone, not real dinner today.

I needed to have written emails to students and done other kinds of work, but I guess that in the parenting and house fronts the day was productive! I'll try to add some photos. :)

Lost notes recovered

Last week, on the first day I went to University #2 (where I now exclusively work, we'll keep University #1 for my husband's place of work, my former "adjuncting to no end" grounds) I finally deleted U#1's email account (ou outlook) from my phone so I could add U#2's email.

I felt triumphant, and symbolically, it was my last act, it was when I finally cut the cords with that institution.

Except that the next morning I discovered that the bulk of my iPhone Notes were GONE!! Hundreds of some really important notes: favorite recipes, stats from my sons' well-child visits from the past three years, passwords to my kids' iPads, notes from my ADHD therapy. It was all gone.

Well, not really! It was all stored in my outlook email account with U#1 and I found them all safe and sound a few days later. There was one problem: how to recover them? I knew that if I deleted the email account for U#2 and re-established U#1 I'd get them back, HOWEVER:

1) I don't need U#1's email anymore, I only need U#2's! (the iPhone doesn't allow two Outlook/Exchange accounts on the same phone).

2) How would I transfer the notes to another account, like "iCloud" once I got them back? I couldn't find an answer to that online.

So...

I spent a few hours COPYING each date and note by hand to several emails to myself on gmail and, this morning, for good measure, I also saved them by year (2014, 15, 16) into Word documents. I intend to copy and paste several of them back into Notes, since I need them, I just know that this will be time consuming.

I had lots of fun copying the VERY RANDOM notes I had and was even able to find a few songs I'd heard on NPR and frantically recorded the program and the time on my Notes (if it's on Morning Edition or All Things Considered it's VERY easy to find the songs they play a few seconds of).

Yeah, one of those things that only a completely OBSESSED person like me would do, no? Yeah, I'm crazy, I know. But I like myself this way. ;-P

P.S. hyperfocus helps A LOT with these random useless tasks!

First Week & the New Normal

I want to write a post about the "new normal" that will be mostly about the way we feel and how life continues after an unexpected and close encounter with death, but that will be at another time.

This was the first week back at work and my husband came back on Monday (that was great, third time we are apart & back together, but also bittersweet, since he had just gone through such a heartbreaking time in Brazil). My brother-, sister-in-law and nephews left and flew back to Cairo on Tuesday.

I had gone to work on Monday, but I taught for the first time on Wednesday and... in spite of how exhausted I continue to feel after my mega-commute of 88 miles each way... I am THRILLED, beyond excited and amazed at the fact that I have Tuesdays and Thursdays ALL TO MY OWN SELF!!! That's also part of the glorious new normal of my new work contract. I'm sure that it will greatly increase my quality of life, not to mention the quality of my teaching!

So, yeah... after an exhausting week of double-single parent and constant Olympic Games watching we had the first full week of school for the boys and first week for me. K starts next week. Yeah, the new-normal is soon going to be in full-swing.

I hope to fully enjoy this weekend and wish that you do too!

Maybe in Four Years...

... My son will be coming to school with me. :-) I hope he gets accepted here! 

The Olympic Games in Rio

Over a month ago I took this photo to show that I was prepared for the Olympic games:

I bought this pair of havaianas.

While in Rio we were in such a rush that we basically didn't take photos with any Rio 2016 signs .:-( I'm slightly sad about that, but bot rweally! ;-)

The games end tomorrow and in spite of the horrific coverage by NBC I watched what I could and enjoyed it

I'll edit this post later! ;-P

On not being there

I just wanted to register here that the memorial service for my father-in-law just took place in Brazil a few hours ago and I am sad because I could not be there.

I hope I can soon talk to my husband, but he just texted me just how to say that that it was really, really hard. :-(

I have this bad feeling that I haven't been able to have much closure following his death because I didn't experience most of it with my husband, his brothers and mother. It's sad that two of the daughters in law couldn't be part of the events of the fateful week and neither one of us four could go to Brazil to be with them now. Sigh...

There's nothing we can do. And there is some likelihood that I may not be with my husband or children when one of my parents dies -- I hope not, but it's not impossible! :-( It's all part of the hardships of being immigrants in another country.  Our own choice.

Double Single Parenting & so much other stuff...

There's a lot on my plate right now. I was supposed to be preparing for classes, having a lighter week with the boys in school and me and my husband doing projects in the house to get us prepared for the school year ahead.

But since our vacation was interrupted followed by the unfortunate and completely unexpected death of my father-in-law things got hectic. I had to pack and travel by myself with the boys (I'm a pro, but I was a pile of nerves). Then we had a relatively quiet week with K3 and his family and K's mom here, sleeping in Kelvin's new bedroom while he slept on the floor (same arrangement in Michigan, incidentally, after we got there). Hopefully being close to her first grandson gave her some comfort.

Our husbands and their mom traveled to Brazil on Monday and these have been tiresome days of "double single parenting" for my sister-in-law and I.

Being by myself on the first week of school -- two different schools now! -- totally sucks! I'm exhausted from waking up earlier than I like (before 7) and doing two drop offs, one before 7:30 am, the other between 8 and 8:15. And then there are the lunches I have to plan... oh, and breakfast, I'm TERRIBLE at breakfast (except for smoothies) and K always feeds the boys in the morning.

Good thing there's the Olympics for us all to watch, but my boys need to be put to bed earlier than they'd like because of school. Thankfully my nephew that is the same age as my youngest son is always nice to his dear cousin and goes to bed at the same time with him (my nephews are sharing a room with my younger son).

On Tuesday was my youngest son's first day of school, a half day, so afterwards I granted his wish and took him and his cousins to a trampoline park an hour away. On the way back SIL commented that she couldn't handle three loud boys in the car. Sigh...Yesterday the cousins joined my son at his school's pool party, but today we had to take the two boys to town because we needed to go shopping.

I haven't been talking enough to my husband, so I'm cranky. I hate missing stuff and I'll miss everything this weekend. Father-in-law's brother and two sisters and their families are coming for the memorial service. I imagine it will be heartbreaking, but I won't be there. I know he's not my dad, but I still wish I could be there. If only to hug my own brokenhearted parents (they lived two blocks away from each other) and my husband.

Some of these feelings are selfish, but this is "blogging as therapy," so I want to share them. I can't wait for my husband to return on Monday! Too bad I have meetings at work for most of the afternoon. I may skip some of them to get home earlier. We'll see.

Thanks for listening!

Brasiiiiilll! Beach volleyball upset over the U.S.

Edited to add: when I wrote this post I didn't know that in "regular" volleyball the Brazilian women had just LOST to China. Some of my friends thought that was a great game to watch. 5 sets X 3 :-)
 
YAY! I slept for most of the game (on the couch while my sister-in-law watched), but got to see the very end. Kerri Walsh-Jennings lost her very first (and last?) Olympic game.

Now I hope the Braziilians Bárbara & Agatha may win the gold!!

And just like that... He grew up!

I want to write more, lots and lots, in fact, about this, such a momentous occasion in my firstborn's life, but here is a quick note not to let these milestones pass without record.

Last Wednesday we went to our son's high school (it's a boarding school in which he will be a "village kid") and submitted his work permit. On Thursday he began work -- in his favorite place, the IT department! I couldn't believe how fast it all went. One day a child, the next technically an adult.

And today was his first day of school as a high-schooler. My baby sure grew up! I'm very proud of him and how much he is maturing and developing every day, but I do feel wistful at times. Transitions like these have surprising effects in one's life. I need to get used to them because milestones will start to pile-up, 8th grade graduation last May was just the beginning!

Grief

post written on the phone (never as good as typing in a computer) ETA on 9/11/16
 
The fields are covered by my favorite flower (see blog header) and we are driving home with our sons and nephews today.

My mother-, brother-, and sister-in-law are staying behind a day or too because my father-in-law is being cremated right now (I was writing this in the morning, it's probably over now) and I feel like crying... The thought is too unbearably sad and there has been no "good" crying or closure for me at all. 

The immediate family and two of my sisters-in-law who were here and who came before he died already have a chance to cry a lot and process it. They all had a chance to say goodbye to him, but I (and my SIL M) didn't and won't. 

I was with my parents in Brazil, who are considerably older than FIL and who were very sad about all of it and fragile (also because he boys and I were leaving, my mom cries and cries every time). So while I was Brazil I had to be strong and couldn't really cry. Of course I cried in the bus and on the plane as soon as we found out FIL had passed away, but I don't know if I will really be able to do much more than that. 

I have been doing my grieving mostly by writing and seeing photos of him and the family. I think it will be a slow process, less dramatic than the one of the wife and sons who went through it all. 

Live with no regrets

My father-in-law passed away peacefully on Thursday. He felt no pain at any point (and he wasn't given any pain medication until the very end) and in the moments in which he was awake from the coma he had many meaningful interactions with his four sons and his wife. They all got to say goodbye and come to terms with him going peacefully, the way he wanted.

During the flight back from Brazil to the  U.S. On Thursday night, I wrote a lengthy post to share on Facebook, which read like a letter to my beloved father-in-law. After I finished writing the post, which ended with me saying I had no regrets at all, I wrote this, which I meant to be shared here:

For me, living intensely is the only way to live without any regrets. There is no need for regrets because you don't ever leave anything behind, as much as possible. You savor each moment, you love deeply, you interact with your loved ones everyday as if that were your last day on earth. You leave nothing unsaid, you open your heart. You even argue if needed, but you patch things up right away and tell people you love them. You kiss, and hug, and caress like there is no tomorrow (I'm like that with my sons and husband, my father in law was just like that too, as is my mom).

You get over the little things that irritate you that don't matter, leave those behind, you put people and family first. You have your friends over and cook their favorite foods for them as often as you can. Work, and a clean and organized house are not that important, making that photo book and giving it to loved ones for a special occasion is (my hubby will hate that one!) As is buying that perfect gift for a friend, taking the time to plan your trip around seeing as many friends as you can then talking all night with them and going out of your way to see them is the way I like to do it. After all, it's only once every few years! (In our case, when we go to Brazil).

Spend money on trips together, even if it's a lot -- travel and time with family is worth more than things. Go to meaningful places, make memories, take endless photos and then look at them later to savor the moments (my husband is against the photo part sometimes, but maybe he has changed his mind now). Eat at places you love and that will make you happy, enjoy treats like ice-cream, gelatto, or popsicles with the kids while on trips or at the mall (just did that with my 14 year old son a few days ago).

Spend time helping people, making things for them for special occasions, even if it involves hours and hours of your time. (I know not many people can do that, but I thrive on it). Put other people's needs ahead of your own, stay behind to help whenever you can. Be last in line at potluck so everyone else can eat and help clean afterwards.

Stop to listen to people, many of them are craving attention and need someone to lend a willing and sympathetic ear. That takes time too, but it's an incredible gift for them.

That is how I live my life. I love every minute of it and I have no regrets whatsoever.  It's intense, it's exhausting, it's demanding, but worth it. 

Pile of Nerves

I need to blog to calm down.

I don't want to drive my husband crazy and hurt his feelings by asking too many questions.

It's hard not to know when he can come home to us from being there with his dad. It think it will be harder when we arrive back home on Friday without him. Maybe not? I hope not. If it is I don't know what to do to cope.

I can't help but worry about how my in-law's travel insurance (which was originally for THREE DAYS! They requested an extension yesterday) will pay or not pay for extended ICU stay (it seems they have a limit of days), not to mention the thought that they probably don't cover rehabilitation costs -- but maybe they have to, depending on the medical condition and the impossibility of travel. and what if they say it can't be extended? Too many scary what-ifs money wise.

Packing is extremely stressful for me, my husband was going to handle that as he does every time. He's a pro.

The shopping lists I have, for me and for friends are long and then after buying all that I have to PACK all those things.

Then there are the sad background thoughts...

... he is only 71. His parents lived extremely long lives (92 and 94, if I'm not wrong). We took it for granted he'd live that long. At least I did.

... his mom died last year after a stroke and being intubated for a long time and resuscitated multiple times. He does NOT want that and has actually discussed these issues before with family members.

... he is way too conscious of everything around. If he recovers, that's great, if not, it's heartbreaking.

yeah

Vacation, Interrupted (short version)

I wrote a longer, more detailed post, but decided to pull it. If you got it in your feed, "good for you" (I used to HATE this expression, sounds so much like "teasig" , at least how it would sound in Portuguese, but now I'm used to it).

Summary of situation: This vacation has been pretty incredible, but unfortunately it's been interrupted by an awful and unexpected event: my father-in-law had a serious stroke soon after arriving in the U.S. for my brother-in-law's doctoral graduation on Friday. It was a three day trip, but now we don't know how long it will last for them.

Last night my husband is flew to Chicago to join his three brothers and mother to be by his father's side (one brother flew from Brazil with his family and the other came from Montreal). We all had a horrible night Saturday night because we received devastating news and were told by the doctors that my FIL was likely going to die or not ever recover. After a few hours of sleep we woke up on Sunday to news that FIL had woken up from his coma, opened his eyes, and could move arms and legs on command. The grumpy and blunt neurosurgeon that had talked to my BIL last night said it was a miracle.

The situation is extremely serious, though. FIL is stable, but he could still get worse. We don't know what the prognosis is. We don't know how long it will take before he can return to Brazil. I haven't talked to my husband yet since he got there, maybe I'll give a quick update after I talk to him.

Please keep my FIL and our family in your thoughts and prayers.