I'm still stressed out about some of the other items in my endless to-do list, but submitting the application is no longer one of them.
I'm feeling at peace about it. Today New Hire even called me into hir office to ask me (in a somewhat anxious voice) whether I was applying for the position or not -- and I said I'd to it tonight, that things were crazy at home with K submitting his tenure package.
He spent the night from Sunday to Monday working on it and came home only at 4:30 am. I'm glad that he's done, though. He's even telling a silly joke about it which I got his permission to share in another post.
I'm cold and nervous right now because I just spent some time reading (for the first time in THREE YEARS) student evaluations.
I hate doing that. But I braved it tonight. And included only one class in my application packet. One of the most glowing ones.
I still can't believe one of my student wrote (a year or two ago) that "my attire is not appropriate" -- whaaaa? I cannot wear colorful cute clothes to work? I need to wear dark pantsuits? Or serious little black dresses. Really? Who says that?
I also drove my husband crazy editing the teaching statement. You know, I don't think I'm cut out for this after all. I don't have the thick skin, I don't have the desire to please anyone, much less other scholars. I'm too scatterbrained to do anything right.
Some students picked on my disorganization or "scatter-brainess" but, thankfully, most really "got" me and my enthusiasm, my compassion, my flexibility and my deep desire that they learn.
I know I should be reading these faithfully every semester and improving. I know. I'm BAD. I'm lazy and extremely ridiculously sensitive.
I need a new therapist, that's for sure, and I hope I can find one soon.
I'll write more about this later, but I realized something VERY depressing about blogging today. There are exceptions to the rule, but most of the people whose posts I really loved to read quit blogging because they wanted to be writers. And they went for it. Some actually did get published.
Who did not? Who is still blogging?
yeah... very very very depressing and very bad for one's self esteem. If I'm still writing here (with no audience whatsoever) it means I'm really, really bad.
Long gone is the day when blogging changed my life for the better. I wish it could still do me good.