I think about it every single day. Sometimes several times a day. And I still don't have the answer. Almost exactly a year ago it was an emphatic NO!, and most days it is definitely no, even right now, it's "no, no way."
But, but, but... My heart, that heart that one of my favorite mama writers, Catherine Newman,* once described as "seating on the curb with its head between its knees" at the very moment when she was very relieved to find out she had not gotten accidentaly pregnant with a third child -- my heart doesn't want to hear that no.
I have no idea why I am writing about this today. I haven't been feeling any particular urges to have a baby lately, but every. single. day I start a blog post in my head. A post in which I weight the pros and the cons of having another baby.
I generally dismiss the pros as being utterly selfish (the strong desire to have a home birth, baby-wearing, maybe, just maybe... having a girl?) and the cons are so much stronger -- although many of them are equally "selfish" as well! I mean, not getting even more stretch marks, getting to buy and wear any clothes I want, not just maternity and breastfeeding friendly outfits -- yeah, these have been five long years! What else, did I mention that sleeping through the night again feels great, even because it took so long (2 years!) to happen? What about looking after 2 restless boys under 5 or 6 and a newborn baby?
Nah... why am I even entertaining these thoughts? Particularly because my husband will have none of this, he doesn't even want to talk about it!
I DON'T KNOW! I can't control my own deranged mind!
So, after I transferred my sleeping "baby" from the carseat to his bed and he miraculously didn't even wake up, I just sat there, looking at him and thinking that he has to be my last baby, that it would be too hard to do it all over again, but then I had to come here and write this post. Just because knowing in my mind that I should accept something and decide that's how it is going to be done just because it's best for all of us, it's best for me, doesn't keep me from wanting another one.
*She's going to stop writing her column, by the way, I can't believe it!! I'm so sad just want to cry! After four wonderful years... it seems like I started reading her just the other day. If you don't know her , you should go check the weekly columns up, or go read her book.
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6 comments:
A difficult decision! Since you think about it everyday, maybe you really are not "done" with babies and there's a third one waiting for you .. one day ;) but if dh is against it that is a problem. Unless you give him some time to warm up to the idea ;)
Ha! I have been wrestling with this myself, for the past couple of months. DH is dead set on having another, and I have been very "no way!" We originally agreed to discuss it when Elias turned three, as I couldn't imagine even thinking about another before then. But for various reasons, if we are going to do it, the timing seems better now. Not that it's great timing, but it's not going to get any better, either... I stumbled upon a website by a former LM columnist called www.havingthreekids.com which is interesting reading.
In any case, my advice to you (not that you asked. Ha!) is to give yourself permission to not be sure, to mull it over, and just sit with it without having to make any kind of decision for awhile. If dh is so against it, you will have to be very sure yourself if you want to convince him, and maybe you will get to that point, and maybe not. But in the meantime, let yourself imagine it, think about it, etc. with no pressure to make a decision just now.
Okay, not very helpful, I know. Actually, I would love to discuss this more with someone (and it sounds like you are a kindred spirit here!) so feel free to email if you want. Of course, we are leaving today for a two-week vacation, no email, but anyway...
My mother realy wanted to have another baby, but my father didn't. She always was and still is sad about having only three children. And having no grandchildren so far, althoug her eldest two are well over thirty makes her feel even worse about not having another baby after me.
Not being sure is ok, take your time with it. But IF you set your mind on having a third child, don't give up too soon. Or you and up saying: "I should have..."
(((Hugs))) to you Lillian...I don't think about another too much, but I feel the pang and the pull every month, it seems (oh how strong biology is!). Believe it or not, each month I have that faint hope that...maybe, just maybe...then my period comes and I'm sane and relieved again.
For me it's hard to let go--to tell myself that Tessa is my last and that I won't have the chance to breastfeed again, or nuzzle a newborn to my neck...but I think the rational part of me accepts that we are stretched to the limits and that we couldn't maintain the crazy tag-team parenting we do with another child in the mix. So hard, though...
I have never read Catherine Newman--I'll go check her out.
I can empathize, because I am going through a similar emotional tug of war. And I only have one kid!
Aw. It's a tricky one. Perhaps the feeling of wanting kids never goes away until it is medically impossible to carry?
My sister in law has 4 under 7 years of age. It was always, this is the last one, this is the last one! I wouldn't be surprised if another appeared!
I was sure this would be my last and I would stick at two. Mainly because of the financial pressures and I get bad morning sickness. But, you know, Mother Nature is a bit of a cow and dupes you into wanting to recreate more!
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