Just because my mom begged me to. :-)

And now for a little fluff... While I slowly rebuild my blog roll... :-/

I'm actually using "wrinkle cream". Sigh... My mom actually just meant that I should use some good hydrating cream, but I may as well try. It won't hurt is all I say... And I refuse to spend hundreds on stuff I don't really believe in, so I'll  just stick to the inexpensive brands. (My plan is to try different ones).

Favorite Blogs List and Feed is GONE!! :-( WHY?

Well... it looks like blogging really will have to be over soon for me or I will have to move to another platform. If I can't use my blog to get the feed of my friends' blogs, then what's the use of it?

I'm trying to understand what's going on, but just last night I checked the blogs listed on my side-bar and now they are gone. Do I need to add them back up from memory? Searching for each blog? :-(

Maybe it's a temporary problem (this has happened once before and after a day or so the blogroll was back in place, to my relief), but maybe it's not, since there's a message saying that my "HTTPS" settings have been changed in the blog.

Whatever is going on, it's pretty distressing, annoying, and is making me sad. And nobody will read this if their own blogrolls are gone! :-(

I just checked Jo(e)'s blog and her list of a few blogs from her blogroll is still there! Why is mine gone? (says she pouting).

Well... ridiculous 21st century problem, right? It still disrupts my life, though. A small part of it, but it does.

And I didn't even intend to be blogging, just came here to check if there were any new posts from friends to read.

OK, before I go, I'll start making a new blogroll from scratch and see if this one will be gone too!

So Much to Blog About, So Little...

... I don't know... time to sit down at the computer because I've been RIDICULOUSLY productive for the past three days?

Seriously, though, I have. And I will even have some video footage to prove it, although when it's turned into a time-lapse it will become a few seconds of work. Hopefully more on that someday soon.

I have tons of things to "talk" about over here. Mostly with myself, I guess, but I know that one or two people sometimes comment, which is nice!

So, yeah, I will try as much as possible to come back and blog more. Not just desperate politically motivated posts. We need some fluff! And some serious ADHD discussion. (really? maybe).

Hyperventilating Until After Election Day

I couldn't bring myself to watch the debate. I followed from afar, just through a few if my friends on Facebook and the handful of people I follow on Twitter (including Michael Moore whom I love).

I have this constant feeling that I'm hyperventilating when I think of the election. I despair thinking that there is an unbelievable chance that I could be feeling the same way for four years -- please don't let that happen, you folks who can vote!!! I've never felt so powerless in my life not being able to vote yet!

I feel so discouraged! I wish i could have the guts to tell the people in my church and school community that I wish they would just abstain from voting, because in this election, I'm feeling personally attacked. If these people vote for him, they are voting against me -- an immigrant and a woman. :-(

In the past, Republican candidates were, for the most part, "normal," respectable, reasonable men. That is not the case now. Drumpf is neither of those things, quite the contrary. If he were only an ill-prepared 6 time bankrupt businessman who does not have any concrete plans would be bad, but he is a bigot, a racist, a mysogynist, a narcissist, a joke*! :-(

How could this be happening? I ask myself over and over! It's not funny, it hasn't been funny for a while now.  I'm DREADING the start of SNL. Making fun of this election is SACRILEGIIOUS! I think that after watching that Samantha Bee denouncement of NBC I cannot watch this channel anymore (the only one I've turned in sporadically for SNL or the Olympics) with a clear conscience.

I just wanted to go to sleep and wake up on Nov. 9 to good news. 

Please, if you're a conservative, would you consider abstaining from voting?

* He makes Sarah Paling seem almost endearing. 

My 2016 Sountrack: Coldplay's _Ghosts Stories_

The year hasn't ended yet, but I want to record this here...

Before the holidays last year I somehow "discovered" Coldplay's sad, nostalgic, "break-up" album, Ghost Stories and I became obsessed with it (I don't know how I didn't come across it earlier -- I'm just not that much into pop music, but Colplay -- which I know some people hate -- I love!).

I really wanted to have been able to buy Target's deluxe edition album that came with three bonus tracks, but it was no longer available. (Yes, I still buy CDs on occasion, that is about to change because we've decided to get a family subscription to Google Play & I cannot believe I'm having to surrender to digital/streaming music!) :-(

So, these are my absolute favorites, although it's hard to choose:
1. "O" or "Fly On"

2. "Oceans"


3. "Always in My Head"

4. "True Love"

5. "A Star Full of Skies" (SERIOUSLY, that's what I said one day in the car to my sons, and then I followed it with "A Dream Full of Heads." They laughed and laughed at their crazy silly mama!), ooops, "Sky Full of Stars"


I'm not super crazy for Magic, Midnight & Another's Arms, but I like them OK enough to have wanted to buy the whole album. Thankfully, I've been able to listen to it offline thanks to Amazon Prime, but my son assures us that Google has way more music. I guess I need to trust what he's saying!

Hi?

Writer's block?

Frustration with little things in life? (Yes: weeds in garden, poor plants never planted and almost dying. Soon it will be too late for them).

Busy? Yes... but the good "new normal" busy that I really want to write more about soon.

I haven't given up blogging, nope. I'm just a die-hard fan of the genre that "changed my life" -- too bad it's not what younger people like.

OK, I hope to do a real update soon, but for now this "throwaway post" will have to do.

:-)

137

that very predictable day in which I debate the possibility of reaching a "cute matchy" number of posts this year: 216.

I've made it in the past two years, but this is the year I've written the least posts so far. By this time last year, I had only about 83 posts to go (I'd written 132 posts by the end of August, this year only 75).

Nah, I don't think I will try to accomplish this useless feat this year...

And I was reading about this new platform, Medium, where posts look gorgeous, but I'm sure I could never move this behemoth blog over there, so I'll just stay here for now.

P.S. I'm pretty positive I've lost all the gorgeous photos I took on May 31st in New York City. Unless I copied them to my mom's computer. My only hope. I don't even recall having looked at those photos. Maybe at my parents' house? Maybe? My sadness is great, but so is my numbness and indifference in a way... what does it matter? Who even cares? I know my son will be upset... but he's partly to blame because he's ALWAYS, CONSTANTLY at the computer, preventing me from downloading the photos from the cards.

I still cannot believe that may have happened.

Conflicted feelings about this 15th anniversary

Five  years ago I wrote a nice post about 9/11, but I feel so conflicted now. It's a particularly bad moment in the history of this country. One that I hope to look back to in months and years ahead and be glad that it's over. Because if that man becomes president, wow... I don't know... it's just unimaginable, but so very possible.

(and the worst possible moment to be filling a citizenship application. I know, it's a ridiculous way to tell you about it as well, but whatever, now you know)

Things that make me upset: The reports about all the 9/11 responders are dying of cancer and suffering from other ailments. How plausible the arguments made by the Architects and Engineers for 9/11 Truth are (Am I going to be surveilled by the government from now on for writing this?). How the consequences of the Iraq war are still haunting the world to this day.

Too many things. I was going to share some photos of the Ground Zero memorial, but I can't find them in my external hard drive and now I'm stressed (thinking I may have lost some amazing photos of that day back in May. Sigh...).

Yeah, it's a crazy world and I have no words or energy to go into it right now.

Not very productive day

Most boring post title ever? Yeah, probably. Nothing like a day after the other, right? :-P

It's almost 6 pm and I haven't cooked the huge batch of tomato sauce that I planned to (although I still want to do it) and I tried to do the last of the few things my husband asked me to do (to pay the water bill in the city offices) and... well... I got there half an hour late! :-(

And... I haven't yet sent the emails that I needed to send my students. BOOOOO! I hope to do that in the next few minutes and then... I'll go tackle that box of tomatoes. Peeling, seeding, sauteing with onions & garlic.

I did wash a couple of loads of laundry (which, in fact, makes me more contrary than happy, more on that when I blog about school uniforms!) and... took a bunch of donations to a community service place.

And read a bit.

Sigh. Not too happy today. Super productive days set a bar too high to keep up with! ;-P

Super Productive Day?

Let's see what was accomplished. Maybe a list would be best, but here is the day's chronology:

- put load of laundry to wash;
- drove hubby to work (20 minutes away, to the South);
- went to Costco and bought only what was on my list (good accomplishment!): a pineapple, cat food, and toilet paper;
- returned plastic drawers that didn't fit inside bathroom cabinets I'm trying to organize;
- purchased metal shelving that maybe will fit and cubes for cube storage shelves we already have in the living room and family room;
- went to farmer's market (I'm buying tomatoes like crazy to make sauce and freeze)

- drove back home and hung laundry, put another load to wash;
- picked up oldest child early from school and began arranging the cube storage (metal shelves didn't fit cabinets :( so I put them back in the trunk to return);
- picked up youngest son and took both boys to the dentist (20 mins. North).
- took oldest to store while youngest had teeth cleaned to buy deodorant and acne stuff;
- drove back home, first dropping oldest at school for him to work;
- stopped by the "Main street" hairdresser who was free and had time to quickly cut youngest son's hair;
- at home, hung second load of laundry (it was pretty late, after 4 pm, but the day was hot and windy, so it was ok) -- first load was completely dry;
- picked up oldest and, after a few minutes at home, drove him to another hair salon for his scheduled haircut appointment.
- picked the now dry clothes and drove with youngest son to town (20 mins. South);
- son's glasses were adjusted at the store & I bought a t-shirt and fragrance spray for oldest at popular store with teens (NEVER thought I'd give in and shop there, name begins with H); bought pretzel sticks as reward for patient kid.
- picked up  husband and drove back to the elementary school where son had forgotten homework and nice teacher met us and opened the door.
- finally back home! Only leftovers for everyone, not real dinner today.

I needed to have written emails to students and done other kinds of work, but I guess that in the parenting and house fronts the day was productive! I'll try to add some photos. :)

Lost notes recovered

Last week, on the first day I went to University #2 (where I now exclusively work, we'll keep University #1 for my husband's place of work, my former "adjuncting to no end" grounds) I finally deleted U#1's email account (ou outlook) from my phone so I could add U#2's email.

I felt triumphant, and symbolically, it was my last act, it was when I finally cut the cords with that institution.

Except that the next morning I discovered that the bulk of my iPhone Notes were GONE!! Hundreds of some really important notes: favorite recipes, stats from my sons' well-child visits from the past three years, passwords to my kids' iPads, notes from my ADHD therapy. It was all gone.

Well, not really! It was all stored in my outlook email account with U#1 and I found them all safe and sound a few days later. There was one problem: how to recover them? I knew that if I deleted the email account for U#2 and re-established U#1 I'd get them back, HOWEVER:

1) I don't need U#1's email anymore, I only need U#2's! (the iPhone doesn't allow two Outlook/Exchange accounts on the same phone).

2) How would I transfer the notes to another account, like "iCloud" once I got them back? I couldn't find an answer to that online.

So...

I spent a few hours COPYING each date and note by hand to several emails to myself on gmail and, this morning, for good measure, I also saved them by year (2014, 15, 16) into Word documents. I intend to copy and paste several of them back into Notes, since I need them, I just know that this will be time consuming.

I had lots of fun copying the VERY RANDOM notes I had and was even able to find a few songs I'd heard on NPR and frantically recorded the program and the time on my Notes (if it's on Morning Edition or All Things Considered it's VERY easy to find the songs they play a few seconds of).

Yeah, one of those things that only a completely OBSESSED person like me would do, no? Yeah, I'm crazy, I know. But I like myself this way. ;-P

P.S. hyperfocus helps A LOT with these random useless tasks!

First Week & the New Normal

I want to write a post about the "new normal" that will be mostly about the way we feel and how life continues after an unexpected and close encounter with death, but that will be at another time.

This was the first week back at work and my husband came back on Monday (that was great, third time we are apart & back together, but also bittersweet, since he had just gone through such a heartbreaking time in Brazil). My brother-, sister-in-law and nephews left and flew back to Cairo on Tuesday.

I had gone to work on Monday, but I taught for the first time on Wednesday and... in spite of how exhausted I continue to feel after my mega-commute of 88 miles each way... I am THRILLED, beyond excited and amazed at the fact that I have Tuesdays and Thursdays ALL TO MY OWN SELF!!! That's also part of the glorious new normal of my new work contract. I'm sure that it will greatly increase my quality of life, not to mention the quality of my teaching!

So, yeah... after an exhausting week of double-single parent and constant Olympic Games watching we had the first full week of school for the boys and first week for me. K starts next week. Yeah, the new-normal is soon going to be in full-swing.

I hope to fully enjoy this weekend and wish that you do too!

Maybe in Four Years...

... My son will be coming to school with me. :-) I hope he gets accepted here! 

The Olympic Games in Rio

Over a month ago I took this photo to show that I was prepared for the Olympic games:

I bought this pair of havaianas.

While in Rio we were in such a rush that we basically didn't take photos with any Rio 2016 signs .:-( I'm slightly sad about that, but bot rweally! ;-)

The games end tomorrow and in spite of the horrific coverage by NBC I watched what I could and enjoyed it

I'll edit this post later! ;-P

On not being there

I just wanted to register here that the memorial service for my father-in-law just took place in Brazil a few hours ago and I am sad because I could not be there.

I hope I can soon talk to my husband, but he just texted me just how to say that that it was really, really hard. :-(

I have this bad feeling that I haven't been able to have much closure following his death because I didn't experience most of it with my husband, his brothers and mother. It's sad that two of the daughters in law couldn't be part of the events of the fateful week and neither one of us four could go to Brazil to be with them now. Sigh...

There's nothing we can do. And there is some likelihood that I may not be with my husband or children when one of my parents dies -- I hope not, but it's not impossible! :-( It's all part of the hardships of being immigrants in another country.  Our own choice.

Double Single Parenting & so much other stuff...

There's a lot on my plate right now. I was supposed to be preparing for classes, having a lighter week with the boys in school and me and my husband doing projects in the house to get us prepared for the school year ahead.

But since our vacation was interrupted followed by the unfortunate and completely unexpected death of my father-in-law things got hectic. I had to pack and travel by myself with the boys (I'm a pro, but I was a pile of nerves). Then we had a relatively quiet week with K3 and his family and K's mom here, sleeping in Kelvin's new bedroom while he slept on the floor (same arrangement in Michigan, incidentally, after we got there). Hopefully being close to her first grandson gave her some comfort.

Our husbands and their mom traveled to Brazil on Monday and these have been tiresome days of "double single parenting" for my sister-in-law and I.

Being by myself on the first week of school -- two different schools now! -- totally sucks! I'm exhausted from waking up earlier than I like (before 7) and doing two drop offs, one before 7:30 am, the other between 8 and 8:15. And then there are the lunches I have to plan... oh, and breakfast, I'm TERRIBLE at breakfast (except for smoothies) and K always feeds the boys in the morning.

Good thing there's the Olympics for us all to watch, but my boys need to be put to bed earlier than they'd like because of school. Thankfully my nephew that is the same age as my youngest son is always nice to his dear cousin and goes to bed at the same time with him (my nephews are sharing a room with my younger son).

On Tuesday was my youngest son's first day of school, a half day, so afterwards I granted his wish and took him and his cousins to a trampoline park an hour away. On the way back SIL commented that she couldn't handle three loud boys in the car. Sigh...Yesterday the cousins joined my son at his school's pool party, but today we had to take the two boys to town because we needed to go shopping.

I haven't been talking enough to my husband, so I'm cranky. I hate missing stuff and I'll miss everything this weekend. Father-in-law's brother and two sisters and their families are coming for the memorial service. I imagine it will be heartbreaking, but I won't be there. I know he's not my dad, but I still wish I could be there. If only to hug my own brokenhearted parents (they lived two blocks away from each other) and my husband.

Some of these feelings are selfish, but this is "blogging as therapy," so I want to share them. I can't wait for my husband to return on Monday! Too bad I have meetings at work for most of the afternoon. I may skip some of them to get home earlier. We'll see.

Thanks for listening!

Brasiiiiilll! Beach volleyball upset over the U.S.

Edited to add: when I wrote this post I didn't know that in "regular" volleyball the Brazilian women had just LOST to China. Some of my friends thought that was a great game to watch. 5 sets X 3 :-)
 
YAY! I slept for most of the game (on the couch while my sister-in-law watched), but got to see the very end. Kerri Walsh-Jennings lost her very first (and last?) Olympic game.

Now I hope the Braziilians Bárbara & Agatha may win the gold!!

And just like that... He grew up!

I want to write more, lots and lots, in fact, about this, such a momentous occasion in my firstborn's life, but here is a quick note not to let these milestones pass without record.

Last Wednesday we went to our son's high school (it's a boarding school in which he will be a "village kid") and submitted his work permit. On Thursday he began work -- in his favorite place, the IT department! I couldn't believe how fast it all went. One day a child, the next technically an adult.

And today was his first day of school as a high-schooler. My baby sure grew up! I'm very proud of him and how much he is maturing and developing every day, but I do feel wistful at times. Transitions like these have surprising effects in one's life. I need to get used to them because milestones will start to pile-up, 8th grade graduation last May was just the beginning!

Grief

post written on the phone (never as good as typing in a computer) ETA on 9/11/16
 
The fields are covered by my favorite flower (see blog header) and we are driving home with our sons and nephews today.

My mother-, brother-, and sister-in-law are staying behind a day or too because my father-in-law is being cremated right now (I was writing this in the morning, it's probably over now) and I feel like crying... The thought is too unbearably sad and there has been no "good" crying or closure for me at all. 

The immediate family and two of my sisters-in-law who were here and who came before he died already have a chance to cry a lot and process it. They all had a chance to say goodbye to him, but I (and my SIL M) didn't and won't. 

I was with my parents in Brazil, who are considerably older than FIL and who were very sad about all of it and fragile (also because he boys and I were leaving, my mom cries and cries every time). So while I was Brazil I had to be strong and couldn't really cry. Of course I cried in the bus and on the plane as soon as we found out FIL had passed away, but I don't know if I will really be able to do much more than that. 

I have been doing my grieving mostly by writing and seeing photos of him and the family. I think it will be a slow process, less dramatic than the one of the wife and sons who went through it all. 

Live with no regrets

My father-in-law passed away peacefully on Thursday. He felt no pain at any point (and he wasn't given any pain medication until the very end) and in the moments in which he was awake from the coma he had many meaningful interactions with his four sons and his wife. They all got to say goodbye and come to terms with him going peacefully, the way he wanted.

During the flight back from Brazil to the  U.S. On Thursday night, I wrote a lengthy post to share on Facebook, which read like a letter to my beloved father-in-law. After I finished writing the post, which ended with me saying I had no regrets at all, I wrote this, which I meant to be shared here:

For me, living intensely is the only way to live without any regrets. There is no need for regrets because you don't ever leave anything behind, as much as possible. You savor each moment, you love deeply, you interact with your loved ones everyday as if that were your last day on earth. You leave nothing unsaid, you open your heart. You even argue if needed, but you patch things up right away and tell people you love them. You kiss, and hug, and caress like there is no tomorrow (I'm like that with my sons and husband, my father in law was just like that too, as is my mom).

You get over the little things that irritate you that don't matter, leave those behind, you put people and family first. You have your friends over and cook their favorite foods for them as often as you can. Work, and a clean and organized house are not that important, making that photo book and giving it to loved ones for a special occasion is (my hubby will hate that one!) As is buying that perfect gift for a friend, taking the time to plan your trip around seeing as many friends as you can then talking all night with them and going out of your way to see them is the way I like to do it. After all, it's only once every few years! (In our case, when we go to Brazil).

Spend money on trips together, even if it's a lot -- travel and time with family is worth more than things. Go to meaningful places, make memories, take endless photos and then look at them later to savor the moments (my husband is against the photo part sometimes, but maybe he has changed his mind now). Eat at places you love and that will make you happy, enjoy treats like ice-cream, gelatto, or popsicles with the kids while on trips or at the mall (just did that with my 14 year old son a few days ago).

Spend time helping people, making things for them for special occasions, even if it involves hours and hours of your time. (I know not many people can do that, but I thrive on it). Put other people's needs ahead of your own, stay behind to help whenever you can. Be last in line at potluck so everyone else can eat and help clean afterwards.

Stop to listen to people, many of them are craving attention and need someone to lend a willing and sympathetic ear. That takes time too, but it's an incredible gift for them.

That is how I live my life. I love every minute of it and I have no regrets whatsoever.  It's intense, it's exhausting, it's demanding, but worth it.