On the Go

I’m writing from a Barnes and Noble in Orlando (my first time posting in a public place). We came here for two reasons, first, we needed to buy some children’s books as presents to our friend’s boys; second, it was raining really hard and we probably won’t go to the second park we were planning to go to today. I’ll write more about the trip later, but so you know we’re only visiting 2 places, none of them Disney or other major studio related, with 7 day passes for each so we can stay for short periods, which is all the boys can handle.

Tonight we’re going to a friend’s house here in Orlando, and tomorrow afternoon to another friend’s house. She is my husband’s high-school friend and the last time we saw her was exactly 10 years ago at her wedding in Washington D.C. Now she has two little boys, 4 and 1, and we hope our boys will have fun playing together!

Next week we go to another coastal town (my husband’s friend also lives by the coast) where we’ll stay with very good friends who used to live in Massachusetts and whom we haven’t seen in over a year. We’ll also see lots of other friends we haven’t seen in years, since they moved from MA to Florida. Hopefully we’ll have internet access there! In these short two hours I was barely able to read my email, so I wasn’t able to check on hardly anybody’s blogs… I hope I can do it soon :)

Always at the Last Minute...

I really wish I could be a neat, organized, planning ahead kind of person, but I'm not. I'm the queen of procrastination and when it comes to packing before travel, another one of my long list of defects makes my progress even worse: I have a terrible problem with having to make decisions (I "inherited" that from my dad), I guess I could say I'm a chronic "undecided." Simply having to decide which clothes to take or not to take seems to consume an amount of energy that I don't have, so I keep postponing the task, or merely accumulating loads of things I want to bring, without deciding which won't ultimately go.

As many procrastinators, I do a lot of things related to traveling and packing beforehand. I do separate the clothes I'm sure I'm taking several days before, I do a load of laundry with some other clothes I want to bring. I do my best not to buy more food and to empty the fridge, but... I still leave most essential things for the last minute and I generally don't sleep on the night before a trip. (Deep sigh...)

So, now I have to go finish packing and cleaning the kitchen, and we do have a mid-morning flight, so wish us luck! I'll try to blog and read blogs while we're away, but I don't know how our internet access will be, so if you don't see me during the next two weeks, I'll be back later and I'll be sure to share some pictures!

P.S. Hubby had a great trip (his favorite part was actually the short length of it - I just can't believe that!). I picked him up this morning at JFK (I spent the night at a friend's house). It's amazing to me that yesterday (OK, two days ago, it's Tuesday already) he had lunch with some of our best friends in Brazil and their kids, who are the same age as ours. I was looking at the photos a few hours ago and I was moved to tears at how much I miss all of them. It's hard to think that we may never live there anymore and share more than a few hours every year or so with them, that's unbearably sad, but may be true. Sorry to end on a sad note like this... (I'm actually quite excited about the trip, though :)

Lovely "Bloggy" Meet Ups!

Yesterday and today have been two good days... in spite of the fact that my husband is traveling (he went to Brazil for the weekend - I'm so jealous, except I would have hated to have gone only for three days - I can't stay less than a month there and even then I never do all I want to do :)

I went to the LLL meeting yesterday and we ended up having an informal conversation between mothers, which was great, because I got to talk a bit more with Jo, who's a brilliant blogger and a really cool and lovely person -- she even mentioned me and my boys in her latest post, I'm so delighted!! We love you too! Her daughter Sophia has the most beautiful blue eyes you've ever seen and the cutest smile :)

Today I met another blogger in person, in addition to Jo, Kateri, Marta, and Andi Buchanan, I now know Cloudscome (from a wrung sponge) and her lovely boys. I think this could officially classify as our first "play-date" ever -- have I been completely out of the American "mother's culture" or what? Yeah, it's not easy to be an expatriate mom, that's why I love blogging so much, it filled a void in my life in more ways that I could have ever imagined! As Cloudscome said, it is definitely cool to meet someone who blogs too, so we can talk about blogs we read and blogging, since she says all her other friends know nothing about it.

I'm so glad blogging has given me the opportunity of not only learning from other people's life experience and knowing people "virtually," but getting to meet some of these awesome people "in real life"!

New Blogger Beta Version

Well, I wanted to let you know that I'm considering switching to the new Beta version of blogger. It has many features that I've always wanted my blog to have, such as labels for categorizing the posts, more flexibility and an easier way to edit the template (with the ability to change the position of things, choose colors and fonts, etc), "dynamic" publishing (no need to wait for the 100% publish, and no need to hit a publishing button, any changes are automatically saved), and some other new features. You can take a tour here.

It still has quite a few glitches and issues. The one I like the least is that other blogger users that haven't switched to the Beta version yet won't be able to comment with their blogger "identities" and will have to comment under "Other" - and I'm sure that will annoy some of you. Is anyone else considering switching? Beta versions are a bit scary because they sound "tentative" to me...

What do you think? I'll probably switch anyway at some point in the near future, but I'll warn you about it ahead of time.

And I Didn't Even Mention the Main Reason

After I wrote the previous post, I started thinking that I had not even touched upon the main reason(s) not to have another baby.

The main reason, with a twofold motivation, is work. I do want to put my Ph.D. (which I should get next summer) to good use by working again. If I have another baby, work will have to be postponed a few more years or at least interrupted for a while, since I'll want to care for the baby most of the time, and breastfeed for several years as I have been doing with his/her brothers. Of course it won't be easy for me to start to work with a 3 year old, but at least he'll be old enough for pre-school.

Apart from personal fulfillment, one big reason for me to work is an economic one. If my husband gets an academic job, I will probably need to work to supplement his income. The only situation in which we would consider having a third child would be if he got a high paying industry job, which we know is very hard to get. It's next to impossible to be hired by an industry without inside contacts and recommendations and no previous industry experience. So... I really don't want to do anything to jeopardize my family's comfort and the future child's well being. In a year's time we hope to be able to make a decision about this.

The Question That Doesn't Go Away

I think about it every single day. Sometimes several times a day. And I still don't have the answer. Almost exactly a year ago it was an emphatic NO!, and most days it is definitely no, even right now, it's "no, no way."

But, but, but... My heart, that heart that one of my favorite mama writers, Catherine Newman,* once described as "seating on the curb with its head between its knees" at the very moment when she was very relieved to find out she had not gotten accidentaly pregnant with a third child -- my heart doesn't want to hear that no.

I have no idea why I am writing about this today. I haven't been feeling any particular urges to have a baby lately, but every. single. day I start a blog post in my head. A post in which I weight the pros and the cons of having another baby.

I generally dismiss the pros as being utterly selfish (the strong desire to have a home birth, baby-wearing, maybe, just maybe... having a girl?) and the cons are so much stronger -- although many of them are equally "selfish" as well! I mean, not getting even more stretch marks, getting to buy and wear any clothes I want, not just maternity and breastfeeding friendly outfits -- yeah, these have been five long years! What else, did I mention that sleeping through the night again feels great, even because it took so long (2 years!) to happen? What about looking after 2 restless boys under 5 or 6 and a newborn baby?

Nah... why am I even entertaining these thoughts? Particularly because my husband will have none of this, he doesn't even want to talk about it!

I DON'T KNOW! I can't control my own deranged mind!

So, after I transferred my sleeping "baby" from the carseat to his bed and he miraculously didn't even wake up, I just sat there, looking at him and thinking that he has to be my last baby, that it would be too hard to do it all over again, but then I had to come here and write this post. Just because knowing in my mind that I should accept something and decide that's how it is going to be done just because it's best for all of us, it's best for me, doesn't keep me from wanting another one.

*She's going to stop writing her column, by the way, I can't believe it!! I'm so sad just want to cry! After four wonderful years... it seems like I started reading her just the other day. If you don't know her , you should go check the weekly columns up, or go read her book.

More Breastf*eeding Photos!

Well, thanks to my talented 4 year old son who has become a budding photographer in the past year, I have some more breastf*eeding photos to share with you! I know I posted way too many here already, but I just couldn't resist :) I'm just that fanatic for photos...

I thought no-one would ever see these because they do show a bit of (pale) skin. I had a bit of a tan in the rest of my body because I had just returned from Brazil. I wasn't much tanned because I don't ever get a real tan anyway and I use lots of sunscreen. I had completely forgotten about these pictures, which were taken last February, but I found them when I was burning a CD for my mom with the best photos of the last six months on Monday night. Do you recognize what's in the computer screen? Blogging is truly my addiction. Oh, and you can also see the messy table where I work on the dissertation and that I'm wearing a pajama top, as I usually do at home during the winter. The baby's gesticulating wildly in this last one, maybe trying to wave to the camera :)

Back to Real Life

My parents returned to Brazil this morning. They're flying there (to São Paulo) from Miami as I write this. They provided me with much needed help in the past year (August-September 05, Feb-Aug 06) so I could do the final push to finish the first draft of the dissertation and now I'm on my own to do the revisions and prepare for the defense. Wish me luck (and lots of stamina), because it's not going to be easy, with the two boys, the everyday chores, and husband and I applying for jobs (this takes time and energy as well, I know -- any advice on this is appreciated).

I'm thankful for their help and I'm aware that I'm very blessed to have had them here to help me. However, now I need to finish this Ph.D. on my own and I hope the exertion brings me confidence and strength for the years to come. We've been relying on my parents' yearly help since our first son was born back in 2002 and while they enjoy spending all this time with us (particularly with the boys), they also need to be able to travel and take advantage of their retirement years while they're still in good health. From now on I hope that their visits here are merely for pleasure, for us to travel together and enjoy each other's company.

I worried about their health and well-being while they were here, but thankfully they were fine and didn't have to use their health insurance even once. My mom is going to have thyroid surgery in the next few months and I hope she recovers nicely - she has an abnormal growth (benign) which needs to be removed and she'll have to take hormones for the rest of her life.

Well, that's it for now, I'll come back later with two memes that I was tagged for over a year ago, I think!! :)

Peaches and Jumps

I Just wanted to share some photos with you and I didn't want to write two posts, so you get two posts in one, OK? (I started it on Friday and saved it, but then it disappeared from the posts to edit. Thankfully I found it today, though!)

Peachy
First, the yummy peaches from my uncle's peach tree. We visited him last weekend (two weekends ago, since now it's Monday) and we got to bring home most of the peaches that were still on the tree. They were so ripe that we brought most of them peeled, chopped and frozen already, or else they would have spoiled. I haven't yet prepared anything with them, but I'm planning to bake peach cobbler, make peach juice, and peach mousse soon. I'll try to take pictures.
Jumping Boys...
On July 22 we had a thunderstorm and since it was a bit cooler after it (it's been terribly hot around here as pretty much everywhere else in the U.S.), I went outside with the boys. Kelvin started jumping on the rain puddles and I took these pictures. Soon Linton joined, although he cannot jump as high yet.

(1) One jumping, one watching.

(2) When Linton gave it a try and saw the splashing he didn't want to stop!

(The 2nd photo is fuzzy, clearly below my standards, but the splashing was too good to pass it up :)

Two Jumping

Puddles are fun!

Calling All Academic Mothers!! Mama Ph.D. Book

I know most people may have already heard of this and since my readership is quite limited, I may not help much, but I wanted to get the word out, because this proposed book is literally the materialization of some of my greatest wishes!!!

Since I started blogging I have found solace, inspiration, motivation, and companioship by reading the experience of other academic mothers -- this has been vital for me, knowing that I am not alone, that other people have been there and succeeded. I also enjoy reading about all issues that face mothers who are or want to become academics. I know many of you blog anonimously, so you might not want to submit an essay in a book. It is a sensitive topic after all, and the two editors are not working in academia, although they hold Ph.D.s. I am so thrilled about this book, though, that I hope it comes to existence and I'm working on my submission as I write this.

So, here's the site with the information about the book, an anthology titled Mama Ph.D.: Women Write about Motherhood and the Academy. The call for papers can be dowloaded here. The editors are Caroline Grant (her blog has actually moved here) who's one of the editors and columnist of Literary Mama, and Elrena Evans. If you are an academic mother and you're reading this, please, please, please consider submitting something!

That's What Breasts Are For!!!

**Updated** I found 3 more photos!!

Last Friday my lovely husband emailed me the link to this CNN news story and I wish we didn't have to drive to Maryland in the afternoon so I could have blogged about it earlier. My friend Kateri, a fellow lactivist and also a La Leche League Leader wrote an awesome and timely post last Friday. She has updated it with links to other bloggers who went ahead and posted pictures of their breastfeeding babies (or, in AfrIndieMum's case, pumping milk). She ended her post with these words:

Want to make a statement? Leave this indecency where your children might see it. Want to be a real rebel? Post your own indiscreet nursing picture.

I am "a real rebel" so I am gleefully joining her and these other great mothers here by posting some pictures of my sons breast-feeding. I wish I had more, but I don't. In my case, however, "little" is usually quite a bit, so you get four (three are variations on the same pose)! :)

My dad took this photo back in 2002 (I had to scan it - hence the slightly strong colors) a few days after my older son had finally learned to latch on and effectively breastfeed at 1 month and 2 days - this statement is a summarized version of the outcome to our breastfeeding troubles that I have posted about in detail here. We were absolutely thrilled that I could stop pumping and using an SNS (supplemental nursing system) to feed him and my mom and dad marvelled at how perfect and beautiful his latch was and my dad couldn't resist taking a picture. I'm so glad he did!! I was wearing a very discreet nursing bra (from Brazil), but I hardly ever used that particular one again, since it was cumbersome.

When my second son was born in 2004, things were much easier. I nursed my older son throughout the pregnancy, so I hadn't fully stopped producing milk. As a result, my son passed his birth weight when he was only 5 days old. I took these pictures myself when my son was 1 month old and he seemed to enjoy them:

1) Looking at me 2) Looking at the camera!

Maybe the more prudish would prefer the one below because you see less of me (probably not, given the current uproar!). If I cropped the photo, it would actually look pretty similar to that in the magazine cover (except for the smaller boob and tiny bit of nipple :)
So here I register my protest against the negative reactions to the LOVELY photo in the cover of Baby Talk Magazine (which I received for over a year when I had my first baby).

**** more photos!!***

These were taken in December 03 when I was nursing my 21 month old son while pregnant. They are pretty dark because they were taken without a flash - my husband was experimenting. I like the first shot in the mirror - it's pretty creative!












The crib in the background, in case you're wondering, doesn't have one of the sides and was right against our bed (still is). Oh, and you can see that we have a very worn out copy of Dr. Sears' The Baby Book (we bought it new, but we really used it a lot)- it actually broke in two later...

Very Hungry Catterpillars

Two Sundays ago we had lunch at our friends' house in North Philadelphia because they wanted to say good-bye to my parents, who were supposed to leave last Tuesday (7/25) , a week earlier than anticipated (and now they'll probably leave a week or two later than anticipated).

The grilled salmon was awesome and later the kids had a great time in their back yard, which has a small pond with a fountain on it. We were observing their plants (they have several grape vines, a peach tree and many others) when our host found out three huge catterpilars that were devouring his beautiful tomato plants. I was delighted, because I had never seen these kinds of green catterpillars that looks like the one in our most beloved of Eric Carle's books. The catterpillars I have seen growing up in Brazil never looked anything like Carle's catterpillar...I called the kids to see the "very hungry catterpillars," which seemed to be very hungry indeed, given the devastation they had done in the tomato plant. And I went ahead and took tons of pictures, which I now have to share with you, of course!

The devastation:












The culprit:
In action:










Enjoying catterpillars at 6 months:






And 26 months:

More fun catterpillar photos for your enjoyment:

Catterpillars poop, like everyone else:

Do you know how catterpillar poop is shaped? I do:It's like a flower!
(you can click on this and any other photos to enlarge)

Well... enough of catterpillars for now. I hope you enjoyed the photos!

Busy Dissertatin'

I finally sent chapter 5's second draft to my advisor today. The original deadline (I come up with them) was last Friday, but the advisor emailed me that he was extremely busy, so I asked whether I could send it on Sunday or Monday and ended up sending it only today. I was able to add quite a bit, and edit other parts. Now I have to go back to chapters 4 and 6 to try and finish them up (and later 5), but I'm waiting for his feedback on them.

My parents were supposed to go back to Brazil today, but they have a "complimentary" open ticket that they got via someone who works in the airline and right now all flights are absolutely packed and there's no room for them - and probably there won't be in the next two weeks. The problem is that the Brazilian airline Varig went bankrupt (it was actually sold to a Varig subsidiary that transports cargo) and all the people from the Varig flights have to be put in other flights. So... they can't do what they originally planned and I get a few more days/ weeks to work (when I was kind of looking forward to slowing down).

Thankfully, I've been feeling better now and I'm hoping I won't get worse again, so that helps with the dissertation work. I really want to finish and I've got to do it while I have the momentum.

This is a boring, boring post... I know, it's just that I've just spent a whole day writing and reading dissertation related stuff. I have started a post with some cute pictures of the boys and I hope to finish and post it soon, OK?

Updates on Health, Sleep, Blogroll & Blogging

Well, I want to write more about being a mother since this is the most defining and central aspect of my life and one of the main reasons I started blogging. The responses I received in the previous mothering post were just so encouraging to me!! I hope more blogging moms can read it and let me know how they feel about it, though I know the readership of this blog is very small, so every single comment means so much to me, thank you for taking the time and commenting!! Being a mother is a very lonely job most of the time. Oh, and I loved loved loved this sign that I saw today at the Maternal Wellness Center when I went for the LLL meeting:

All mothers are working mothers.

YEAH!!!!!
Anyway, I also have a long post to write about how blogging has changed my life in very profound ways that I (and my dear husband) have slowly come to realize, but I won't talk about that now. I just want to do a quick update on how things are going here at "mama(e) in translation" household.

Health
I have continued not to be very healthy and I am buying some books about gastro-intestinal health so I can be well informed when I go see a doctor (I can go straight to a specialist because my crappy health plan doesn't require referrals - I just pay a very high co-pay). I don't want to bore anyone with details, so I promise not to blog too much about my health.

Sleep
Since I last wrote about this (only last Friday!), there haven't been any more bad nights. My son woke up once and I didn't nurse him, so after he fell back asleep he didn't want to nurse every hour or so and slept until morning. He's still waking up too early, but I know that's normal.

Blogroll & Blogging
You know, I've been always quite reluctant in "supporting" (i.e. reading every day) more famous blogs, and I know that part of it is just this very subtle envious feelings that a little unknown blogger harbors towards the big fish in the pond. Sure, I do read at least a couple more "famous" academic bloggers (Jo(e) and Scrivener - both of whom have close to or over 150,000 visits), though I don't often read the most famous of all, Bitch Phd (I do sometimes check her posts, she's just too brilliant for one not to read). Anyway, roughly once a month I'd go over to dooce and read at least her newsletter to her daughter. I was kind of shocked to learn that now she had become a professional blogger. On Tuesday night, however, I was checking her archives (birth story and first newsletters) and I thought - well, if she writes well and is funny and witty, she totally deserves that!!! And I should go ahead and support her, why not? So I decided to add her to my blogroll.

The very next day - look at what was on the news!! Another blogger fired because of her blog (La Petite Anglaise, who's now gone "off the air"! (Thanks honey for the link!!). I thought the timing was very interesting, though absolutely irrelevant "in the grand scheme of things" as I'm very fond of saying if you haven't yet noticed :) On one day I decide to go ahead and "support" dooce and the next day another relatively well known blogger is "dooced."

My husband is a little concerned, but I know I love blogging and I won't quit just because I am afraid or anything. And I don't even HAVE a job, I'm just going to apply for one and this blog can't be linked to my full name, it only has pictures of me (well, it was the same thing with La Petite Anglaise).

Well, I have to go work on the dissertation (latest deadline coming up tomorrow) and go add dooce to my blogroll! I hope my hits help your family, Mrs. Heather Armstrong! Your daughter's adorable and your writing fun...

As for myself, I'll keep on blogging, no matter what :)

Birth Order and Personality Quiz

Wow, Professing Mama did this quiz and thought it was scarily accurate except for the career paths. Well, in my case, even the career matches (research, at least)! And you may recall that I usually don't like these silly quizzes...

You Are Likely a First Born

At your darkest moments, you feel guilty. At work and school, you do best when you're researching. When you love someone, you tend to agree with them often. In friendship, you are considerate and compromising. Your ideal careers are: business, research, counseling, promotion, and speaking. You will leave your mark on the world with discoveries, new information, and teaching people to dream.

The Birth Order Predictor

Some Thoughts on Mothering (& Mommy wars)

I have been thinking about my feelings and thoughts about being a mother for a long time now.

My sister-in-law's comment to my last post made me think some more and get to write this post. For her, and anyone who's not yet a mother, I have to say that the sleep problems that I was "whining" about in the previous post is a direct consequence of our parenting choices (they were mine and my husband's, not mine alone). Sleeping, as almost any other parenting issue, is a extremely loaded subject. I don't know the exact reference, but one well-known "mommy blogger" was once violently attacked in the comments section because of her admission that she had let her son "cry it out." I think this is absurd, and I try not to be judgemental of other mother's choices although it's not easy, and I admit to having failed at it sometimes.

I think what I want to say here is the following: there are many ways to parent and to mother and I do not think that my own choices are the only ones that are valid or good.

Regarding sleep, for example, I sometimes wish I were able, or "brave" enough, to have "taught" both my sons learn to sleep on their own and alone in their cribs after they were 5 months (usually the age that most especialists agree that, if the baby is healthy, has enough weight, he or she doesn't need to breastfeed all night long anymore and is "technically" ready to sleep through the night). My other SIL did that and it was great for their family, since she couldn't sleep well with the baby on her side. However, I am the kind of mother who cannot bear to hear her babies crying, it just kills me. The only way I was able to bear my oldest son's cries it when I night-weaned him was because I was absolutely convinced that he didn't need to nurse at night anymore at 18 months and that I needed to have uninterrupted nights of sleep at because I was pregnant and already exhausted.

I have been following the "Mommy wars" here in the blogosphere and reading about the books that are published on the subject in the U.S. I haven't been able to read them yet and one of the first things I want to do after I finish the dissertation is to read books about mothering. I have written at least a couple of short posts on the subject and I was stunned by the responses to Chez Miscarriage's post on her brilliantly coined expression "mommy drive-bys" -- I can't link to it because she quit blogging and removed her archives. I really wish she (Getupgrrl) would go ahead and publish the gossiped about book, but I guess she won't. Oh, and did she creat that expression ("mommy drive-bys"), or did it exist before her post?

~ ~ ~ ~

What I wanted to share regarding motherhood is that I have always felt a deep confidence in myself as a mother. I know I have many faults. I am one of the worst procrastinators on earth, I am messy, disorganized, quite lazy at times. I spend too much time online and although I enjoy cooking sometimes I don't do it as often and timely as I should. I have very ambivalent feelings about myself as a scholar -- I am confident in my ability to do "raw" research but not so much in my teaching and my (in)abilities to read critically and have my own ideas and interpretations. I sometimes don't feel too happy about my body (I want to post about that one day). In sum, I am always looking at myself critically.

But...

I am blissfully happy about being a mother and I have always been, from day one. I know I am very fortunate not to have faced post-partum depression and I only had a mild case of "post-partum blues" motivated by my breastfeeding problems. I have never felt any self-doubt regarding my abilities to mother, on the contrary, I have always felt confident that I was the mother my sons needed and if I were just myself (without trying to be a "better person"), that would be enough for them. I have obviously felt nervous and angry with them at times like any other mother, but generally these situations come and go fairly quickly. I felt, for instance, extremely mad at my youngest son when he was a newborn and would cry in the middle of the night or early morning for no apparent reason when all I wanted to do was sleep, and although I felt a bit guilty for having those feelings, I knew they were normal and would soon melt away when I was less tired and able to enjoy the baby more fully.

Apart from breastfeeding, which I feel very passionate about and something I wish every mother could [Edited to add: if possible] be able to provide their babies, there are no other mothering "values" or beliefs that I feel like I can ask of [Ed. to add: or, with a better phrasing, suggest to] other mothers. And I fully recognize that some mothers just aren't able to breastfeed for many different reasons, physical or otherwise (OK, Emily? :) . I still feel broken-hearted about some of my friends who weren't able to breast-feed, but I know that they tried and they just couldn't produce enough milk or had other problems that could not be overcome -- I tried to help many of them and I don't think they should made to feel guilty for not breastfeeding their children.

We have chosen "attachment parenting" as our philosophy, but I don't think parents who don't embrace it are "worse" parents! I don't work (only at home in the dissertation - or, for a while, I was a T.A. who worked a few hours out of the home), but I don't think that I am better than any working mothers out there! I most probably will work if I get a job after I finish the dissertation...

I think it's really depressing when mothers attack other mothers - it does nothing to further the cause of mothers, to bring about the necessary social and political changes that will help us be the mothers we want to be. Ideally, there should be support for all kinds of moms, SAHM, moms who work outside the home, single moms, teen moms, and other kinds of unconventional families.

Being a mother is not easy, but, at least for me, it's the best thing that ever happened in my life. I actually have a hard time looking at myself as anything else, particularly in these early years of my sons' lives. I remain a daughter, a wife, a scholar, and hopefully someday I'll be a professional, but a mother is what I most love to be, and the rest doesn't really matter that much. Nothing makes me feel more fulfilled, proud, and happy.

Dear fellow mama bloggers/ readers, how do you feel about being a mother?

P.S. And Juliet, yes, you're perfectly right. One of the reasons I stay up late, besides having always been a "night person" (ever since I was pretty young) is that it's my only "alone time." Even mothers need time for themselves, don't we? :)

To Dream, Perchance... to Sleep

After months and months of thinking about my (probably neither new nor creative) twist-on- Shakespeare-for-a-title I thought I'd never write this post. Shortly after I started writing it , more or less two months ago, I stopped because I thought that I could finally triumphantly say that my youngest son (who's 2) was sleeping through the night!! Little did I know that things would change and take a turn for the worse again. So here I am, after a night from hell -- precisely because today I needed to sleep well to work on and submit one more chapter to my advisor -- writing this post after all.

Please allow me start at the very beginning, and I'll do my very best to be brief, though it's not my forte, to put it very mildly :)

I nursed my oldest son to sleep every naptime and night for well over a year. He also slept with us most part of the night. When he was 18 months I got pregnant and right around that time we figured out that we could get him to sleep -- at night, in a darkened room -- by just talking to him about his day or telling him stories. He'd pay close attention, perhaps talk a bit, and then fall asleep. That was an amazing discovery and soon daddy was putting him to bed every night - what a relief! Night-weaning was not that easy, but after several nights (more like a few weeks) of crying and lots of hugging and rocking him on our chest, we suceeded! Naptime was harder, he only slept in the car or nursing, but since it was very tiring for me (now pregnant), he only took a nap if managed to get him to fall asleep in the car (sometimes he resisted over half an hour of slowly driving on country roads). But that was it for my older son. He's 4 now and sleeps quite well, although he wakes up and comes to our bed every. single. night.

All right, the youngest was born and although from the very beginning he slept on his crib with one side removed and placed right against my side of the bed and I could nurse him all night while I slept, we soon noticed that he didn't like to fall asleep very much. At around 1 month, we were compelled to give him a pacifier, because he was pretty fussy and I couldn't bear to be a human pacifier any longer. How did I get him to sleep? He'd hardly ever fall asleep at the breast, I had to give him the pacifier, hold him in my arms, against my body and bounce him - really hard. While he was little and not too heavy, I'd sit on the bed and I'd bounce him, or his daddy would walk up and down the stairs with him. When he got heavier and heavier, I devised a n easier way - I'd lie down on the bed with him draped on my chest and (with legs bent and feet against the bed) bounce until he fell asleep -- this is how I still do it! We used the pacifier strictly for nap and bed times and it worked well - I thought it worked even better than with my older son, because he fell asleep faster than his brother did at the breast.

My youngest was a compulsive nurser. Until 5-6 months, he nursed every 2 hours (on the dot) around the clock, 24/7. I was always exhausted. It got a little better, but at 12 months he was still nursing more or less every 3-4 hours during the night. I wanted to start night weaning him when he was 18 months like we did with his brother but I couldn't because now my parents were living with us (still are) and I didn't want to disturb their sleep with his cries for several days and weeks, so I just let it go. Around the time he turned two in May, he was basically sleeping through the night, waking up to nurse once in a while around midnight (before I went to bed on most nights), but sometimes simply giving him the pacifier would work and he'd sleep until morning. 3-4 months ago, my husband started putting both boys to bed. The youngest wasn't too happy, but soon got used to it, so I got a break every night -- that's when I was finally able to go to Mother Talk. I still put him down for his nap every single day, though -- he rarely goes to sleep with anyone else, since I'm home working on the dissertation anyway.

Now, why did his sleep patterns get so bad all of a sudden? As you may recall, my parents took a 10 day vacation last May and guess what my husband suggested? "Great," he said "let's wean him from the pacifier while they're away." And I went along. It was a tough week, but, you know, in the end it worked - but, on some nights, like last night, he decides he cannot sleep without nursing. Why? Because now, for naptime, he generally nurses in bed and -- if he's really tired -- falls asleep, so he's associating breastfeeding with sleep. Most nights in the past two weeks were OK, but last night was really bad, and to top it off, I had been working late on the dissertation and was very tired. I know I have to try to go to bed earlier, but I'm a night person...

Anyway, I'm glad we got rid of the pacifier, truly glad. In the beginning he asked for it, but now he completely forgot. I just hope he begins to sleep through the night again and doesn't insist on night nursing. Fortunately it's not happening every night, only once in a while.

One thing I long for, dream about, even, is the day when they'll let me sleep in, because right now, my youngest wakes up way too early, 6:30, 6:45, or 7 a.m. at the latest. But I need to confess that in this respect I've been spoiled rotten by my parents because they're usually up already and they take care of the boys in the early morning while I sleep a little more... that'll be over in 3 weeks. I need to convince myself that I have to go to bed earlier.

Oh, and in case you're wondering, I did get to send the chapter to the advisor today, it was not as finished as I'd like it to be, but at least I made the deadline! Well, good night, it's almost midnight, I have to go!

Vacation in Florida?

I can hardly believe it, but it looks like we're going to have a vacation after all! I'm excited, but also a bit scared, since we really cannot afford to spend much. The plane tickets for me and the boys are award travel from our miles and my husband had a voucher that he needed to use before September and which covered half the price of his airfare. That's why we are going in the first place.

We have many Brazilian friends who moved from Massachusetts to Florida in the past two years and we have been looking forward to visiting them for a long time. We wanted to go only for 10 days, but ended up having to book a ticket for two whole weeks because those were the only dates available for award travel. Since we just can't stay at our friends' house for two whole weeks, we're thinking of spending the first week in Orlando, a place that I thought we were going to visit only when the boys were much older to enjoy it fully and when we had more money to spend on vacations.

I have been there twice, first in June 1993 with my husband (then boyfriend, almost fiancee) and his family when we visited almost every theme park, and in June 1997 with my mom and dad (we only went to three parks). Every time I went I always had a very critical evaluation of those places, particularly the Di*sney ones (I don't really like Dis*ney). My sons only know who Mickey is because they have a pair of (Brazilian) flip-flops with his picture in them. Those were a gift, since I avoid buying clothes, shoes, and toys with any characters on them, though I have to concede that I made an exception for Elmo (one T-shirt), andThomas (a T-shirt and underwear - an attempt to suceed at potty training). We also own and some Sesame Street toys and Thomas trains.

I really enjoyed our visits to Sea Wo*rld but I feel really torn about those beautiful animals and their captivity. I don't think they can be "happy," no matter how large those tanks for the whales and dolphins may be. Because of the shows, I fell they are a bit like Circus animals, though perhaps better treated... I don't know. As for the other parks, I always see them as a huge stores pressing all kinds of useless stuff on the tourists with a few fun and even informational rides or pavillions here and there. Of course we never buy anything, but just paying the absurdly expensive admission price makes me feel guilty of wasting money.

Oh, well... we can always just enjoy our hotel and go sightseeing leisurely at other places as well as visit friends (we also have a few friends who live close to Orlando), we do deserve a vacation after all. There's a small catch, though - hubby says that I need to have mostly finished the first draft of the dissertation, so I have to stop blogging right now and go back to work!! :)

One last thing - I just hope there's no hurricane while we're there!!

Thanks Everyone!

I was truly delighted by every single comment I received for last post, thank you so much everyone! There was even a new reader, "Dr. Hans" - I hope to "see" you again here. Cloudscome, you're right, you could definitely have come to the party :) I think we should do a gathering of local mommy bloggers some time, what about that?

It's also good to hear from other women who were mothers after 35. I'll post about this subject again later (the pros and cons of a 3rd child in our family).

Here are a few pictures of the party for you as promised. My sister-in-law, the party decoration especialist, wasn't here, so they look pretty "silly." I decorated with my favorite colors, pink and aqua green.
The cake wasn't very professional looking like some of these, but it was yummy. I love meringues, strawberry and kiwi. Well, I should admit that it was pretty, if a bit "crowded."
I also made this cute basket out of a watermelon and filled it with watermelon and honeydew melon scooped pulp.

We had a great time at the party. My friend Andrea, who hadn't been to our house yet and who inspired me to throw a party for myself since she threw one for her last year (all prettily decorated in yellow), came with her husband Ron and two new Brazilian friends, Lilian and Alexandre. Andrea took the picture on the right with her camera. Other friends came too, even though the one who brought her kids got lost and was here quite late, between 8:30-9, so the boys ended up going to bed only 11pm after everyone had left. I made pasta salad, with Barilla's flower shaped three color pasta and my home made salsa (with tortilla chips) - both were a great sucess - sorry, I forgot to take pictures! We also had a veggie tray with dip and my mom baked the "cheese rolls" (pão de queijo) even though there was way too much food already - you can see in the picture on the left (compared to the one on the right) that they did eat quite a bit, though.


Then, on Sunday we went to Maryland again for my mom to meet the cutest nephew on earth and we also watched the World Cup's Final match there. After lunch, my SIL had the nerve of sticking 35 candles in a Carvel cake, there was quite a bit of smoke when we managed to blow them out!I'll be back later, probably tomorrow, with more pictures of my gorgeous nephew for you, OK? Oh, and I think my brother-in-law and his family may not go to Lebanon after all because he needs his residency in the U.S. first or else he won't be able to return. We're happy we have at least one more year close to them, but from next September on, we don't know where we'll be!

35 -- Here am I

Once upon a time, more specifically, on July 7, 1971, a baby girl was born , much loved and wanted (you can read a bit more about how/where she was born here), and, as fate would have it, she would one day write a blog so you'd know quite a bit about her :)
This little girl grew up in Brazil, where she loved to eat biscoitos de polvilho (melt-in your mouth baked treats made of manioc starch, eggs, milk, and salt) , as well as spend time close to nature in the countryside. She still enjoys these things, although she can hardly ever eat her favorite snack now that she lives in the United States :)












When this baby girl grew up, she got married and decided to have babies too. She kind of wanted a girl, but her first baby was a beautiful boy:
And the second one too :)
She thinks that these two sons are the best present she could ever get in the world and that her life is perfect because of them.

She's never been bothered about telling people her age. At first, there was an earnest desire to grow older which motivated her to start saying her new age a few months before July. This didn't change after the 20s, or 30s, though, and she's cheerfully looking forward to her 40s, 50s, 60s...

Except for one little detail. Everyone says that after 35 it's not very good for women to have babies anymore, and she thinks this is not fair - she might want another one, but this decision depends on many factors (husband or herself or both finding a job, the family settling down somewhere and having a more foreseeable future) which will take a few years to resolve. That's the only reason why this particular birthday is not as happy as all others have been in her life.

One thing hasn't changed much, though – she has always enjoyed writing (even before she properly knew how to write).Now she generally doesn't use a pen and paper anymore, but a computer keyboad and an internet connection, so she can get other people like you to read some of her thoughts :)


Well, I'd invite you to my party, but I think most of you are too far away to be able to come. We won't have biscoitos de polvilho, but the next best thing, pão de queijo (cheese rolls, or bread, made from the same ingredients plus cheese), which is also one of my favorite things (you can even order a pre-made mix online here, at Chebe bread - though I haven't tried this brand yet).

I'll post pictures of the party later, OK?