The Precariousness of the Margins

I'm glad I wrote that post earlier today, because now that I'm back to being full of angst about work & applying, etc. (more on that in a minute), I don't think I could have written it now/from now on.

The hard cold truth is that I'm still very much at the margins and my current job feels like a dream that is too good to be true and that I will wake up from at some point.

Last Thursday I finally signed up for benefits and for life insurance (just a few days before the deadline as always [sigh]).

Life insurance.

I felt like crying the whole drive back home after that.

For the first time in my life I have benefits and... should I die, my husband and kids will get a little bit of money from my employer.

It's a little thing, but it makes me feel like I have some value, I'm worth something (money-wise).

You know, it's only now that I have a relatively decent paying job that I realize how demoralizing it is and it feels to be "working in the margins." I think that's one of the major reasons why I feel so incredibly happy now. And that's why I felt full of angst at my previous adjunct position.

The truth, however, is that as good as it sounds compared to what I had, my position is still precarious. As part of my thought process of deciding or not to apply (I think I will), I contacted the dept. chair to try to figure out if they are planing to hire me again next year and she said that this will be decided sometime next Spring by the dean.

It's tough having your life and your future, the livelihood of your children and part of the mortgage payment money, decided on a year by year basis.

That's one of the things I was so afraid of when I decided to accept the position. My previous (and half-current) job provided 100% stability. I knew I would be reliably exploited for the next several years should I choose to simply continue.

Yeah, I know what you're going to say next. Trade-offs... yeah, that was a trade-off that I knew about but chose to gently ignore for a while. Not anymore, now that the honeymoon's over. ;)

I have lots more to say about that (and about applying/not applying), but I will stop for now. I don't want to think about these things too much because I don't want to start crying. I'll go grade some and make sure I know what I'll be doing in my classes tomorrow.