Blame it on "Invisible Adjunct"

I went to respond to expatmama's comment to a previous post (May 18 - I'm too tired right now to bother to add a link, sorry)... and I finally realized what got me started with this whole blogging thing.

No, it had nothing to do with mothering, which now seems to be my main focus, as well as the topic of all blogs I read, either regularly or by chance (my blogroll needs some serious updating). The very first blog I ever read was Invisible Adjunct's, after it had already been "abandoned" by the writer. The funny thing was that even though I was genuinely interested in the academic things (will write more on that below), what I craved to read first and foremost were all the personal entries, most of which had to do with her son (the most poignant one involves her reaction to him almost being killed by a cab driver).

I now realize that this is a perfect metaphor for my life. I should be writing my dissertation, thinking about academia, but all I want is to concentrate on my personal life and interests, read about and interact with other moms (oh well, too bad I can only do it online... but that's another matter), and, oops, blog.

It's partly Invisible Adjunct's fault as well... the parts of the blog that I read (and the 2 articles in the Chronicle of Higher Ed she links to and cites) were her arguments AGAINST pursuing a Ph.D. I found out about the blog when a colleague forwarded the Chronicle's article about Invisible Adjunct to the listserv of my dept's graduate students. [oh, yes, I have come across, but not followed, entries in blogs about an adjunct professor, I guess, who was fired for comments on her blog - I guess the "technical term" would be "dooced", right, bloggers? Anyway, I don't think graduate students will ever "suffer" if they blog, will they?]
When I read parts of Invisible Adjunct's blog, I felt SOOOOO discouraged. I thought I fit perfectly in the category of people who shouldn't have bothered getting a Ph.D. Perhaps a little smart, very motivated, but not bright enough, with the guts to fight the competition and ever get a good job. Oh, yes, and to top it off, I'm a foreigner, I don't even know the educational system of this country -- I came here only for graduate school -- I don't fit at all in American academia, most probably!!!

I read this blog too late, though. I think it was last summer. I had just defended my prospectus, and given birth. I had already spent 6 years in graduate school (7 if you count my non-degree first year - WOW, that would mean I've been 8 years in this journey -- will I ever finish?)

And now I think my professional "destiny" (and this kind of ties in with the job discussion that has been going on at Expat Mama) will be to be an invisible adjunct myself. I don't see much more than that happening after I finish my Ph.D. and my babies grow up enough so I can go back to work.

I felt very out-of-place as a T.A. I had never had a T.A. as an instructor, I had no idea, and no way to find out, whether the "cold" and sometimes "careless" (in the sense of not caring) -- though never disrespectful -- way the students treated me as their teacher (when I was teaching classes entirely on my own) was the norm, or just if I was a not so good teacher. I really can't see myself as a "professor" here in the US. Perhaps only in one area: Brazilian literature and culture, maybe Portuguese language (I have to say, for the record, that I do not like teaching language, even though I taught English in Brazil). However, this is a TINY, really minuscule academic area. Very few universities offer Portuguese classes, let alone Brazilian lit courses... and I doubt any of them are hiring anyone anytime soon -- oh yes, and I forget -- we have no idea where my husband will find a job, and, chances are, the university that hires me won't have Portuguese classes, nor will any other institutions around it.

On the other hand, when I think of going back to Brazil, I can easily see myself as a respected professional/professor there, with a Ph.D. from an American University in hand, a broad knowledge of a foreign culture, etc... And then I feel that not going back would be professional or academic "suicide" for me. If I stay here I might just end up staying at home with my kids, even home-schooling (that sounds really weird coming out of somebody who always said she valued school, etc... but that's an entirely different subject I don't want to write about now) -- that, of course, if my husband finds a decent tenure-track job as a physicist at a research university (and even then I might have to try to find whatever work is available so we can have more income). I have often thought, and tried to convince myself of, that teaching at a Community College (nothing against them, on the contrary) would be a very noble job.

That's where I guess my rambling comments here tie in to Expat Mama's discussion about work: I think that in Brazil, similar to here, people also view work as something that you need to enjoy, as a kind of "calling", something you're vocationed to do. People are encouraged to study whatever they are passionate about, and try to find a fulfilling job after. That's what I've been led to believe all my life, and both my parents were always "fulfilled" professionals... I feel frustrated thinking that if we choose to remain here, I won't be able to feel this fulfillment, no matter what my qualifications are.

Those are not the best feelings in the world to work with when you have to find out strength to finish a Ph.D. dissertation...