So I've been in Brasil (in this post I insist in using the Portuguese spelling for my country, as perhaps I should always do) for many weeks now. And I've felt at home. Let me explain, I SHOULD always feel at home in my home country, but the last time I came (Dec 03- Jan 04) that was not so clearly the case, I felt almost the opposite.
Let me backtrack a bit. I have lived in the U.S. for almost 9 years. We never intended to stay that long. In the first few years, I would arrogantly answer to any Brazilian acquaintances or friends that asked whether I like living in the States that no, I didn't like the U.S., that I loved Brazil, and would definitely go back. That was in part a reaction to the prevalent attitude of Brazilians: they are genrerally fascinated by the U.S., they all want to come live in the U.S. and when they do come, they criticize Brazil a lot. I've always hated that, and I wanted to shock everyone by going the other way. And love Brazil I did, with all my heart. Year in year out I tried to keep the flame alive, listening to Brazilian music, coming to Brazil every year or so...
But slowly but surely, life in the U.S. started to seep into our lives, and we got used to it. The language had never been a problem to me, and my husband's English got better and better. We would sometimes have loooooong conversations in English, and mix both languages constantly.
(see - I wrote Brazil with a z -- I said I wouldn't but I did)
But everytime I came to Brasil, my heart would warm up. The very first time we came back, 1 year and a half after we had left, I cried and cried as the plane flew over São Paulo and landed.
I saw my friends (yes, I never had the same kind of friends in the U.S. and I missed them terribly), family, ate the food, saw the green -- everything is so GREEN here, especially when we travel in the winter -- and felt I would readily come back. Except that last year I didn't feel that way. It seemed that something precious had broken, that I no longer felt completely at home here, but felt at home in the U.S.
I was curious to find out how I would react this time... and I feel I could come back all right. But I'll never be the same. I've spent way too much time abroad. Happily, I do feel comfortable in the U.S., but I still don't have those friends... they're here, and they all have children now, and I'm missing all the conversations we could have had about our children, and seeing them play and grow together.
I feel divided again, as I hadn't felt for a while. But I think I will never be whole. Oh yeah, that's pretty much a certainty, I'm divided... torn between two countries.
Will my boys be divided like that too? Is it cruel to have my 3 year old be monolingual (he speaks only Portuguese so far...) and living in the U.S.?
I don't know, I wish I did...
Tuesday, March 22, 2005
Progress!! I added links!
Finally, FINALLY I was able to change this blog's template a bit to add links to the blogs I read, and 2 websites. Hopefully soon I can do more things, like doing decent links in the text.
Of course the most basic thing is still lacking - some readership and dialogue via comments.
Perhaps that'll happen someday as well...
I had dreamed on posting about this time I am spending in Brazil -- yes, I've been here for almost two months -- but got a bit discouraged by my inability to get this blog going, and never posted.
Well, I'll get this one to cyberspace and perhaps add some more... to make up for the time I wasted.
Just to get started. I was fascinated to read the Elle article adapted from Judith Warner's book Perfect Madness: Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety that expatmama (see my links, I'm still working on linking in the posts) linked to on her blog.
Everyone's talking about Warner's book in these mother blogs, and I'm itching to go read it -- but first I have to go back to the US to do so. We travel on the 29th... Good, I miss my husband and home too much already...
Of course the most basic thing is still lacking - some readership and dialogue via comments.
Perhaps that'll happen someday as well...
I had dreamed on posting about this time I am spending in Brazil -- yes, I've been here for almost two months -- but got a bit discouraged by my inability to get this blog going, and never posted.
Well, I'll get this one to cyberspace and perhaps add some more... to make up for the time I wasted.
Just to get started. I was fascinated to read the Elle article adapted from Judith Warner's book Perfect Madness: Motherhood in the Age of Anxiety that expatmama (see my links, I'm still working on linking in the posts) linked to on her blog.
Everyone's talking about Warner's book in these mother blogs, and I'm itching to go read it -- but first I have to go back to the US to do so. We travel on the 29th... Good, I miss my husband and home too much already...
Tuesday, February 01, 2005
Part of a trend?
I just found out (obviously from another mother blog) that I am part of a "trend" of mama (or, to be more politically correct) parent bloggers:
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/01/30/fashion/30moms.html?oref=login
Interesting. Not that I didn't know that, but I did feel the need, just like the other moms... stay at home or not. Too bad this is still a useless blog. My famous blogger friend Marco (http://www.verbeat.com.br/blogs/eporaqui/) - note: he blogs in Portuguese - says it's because nobody can post. Not my fault - I have checked my settings at blogger so that anyone can post buy, alas, it doesn't seem to work... I'll try again.
Meanwhile I just read other blogs and hardly ever post here, since it's so useless...
PS. Indirectly, I'm there in the NY Times piece too, because I'm one of the 500 mommy blogs linked in the DotMoms site. Not THAT bad, uh? (I did submit my blog to DotMoms editor in Mom in the Mirror :)
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/01/30/fashion/30moms.html?oref=login
Interesting. Not that I didn't know that, but I did feel the need, just like the other moms... stay at home or not. Too bad this is still a useless blog. My famous blogger friend Marco (http://www.verbeat.com.br/blogs/eporaqui/) - note: he blogs in Portuguese - says it's because nobody can post. Not my fault - I have checked my settings at blogger so that anyone can post buy, alas, it doesn't seem to work... I'll try again.
Meanwhile I just read other blogs and hardly ever post here, since it's so useless...
PS. Indirectly, I'm there in the NY Times piece too, because I'm one of the 500 mommy blogs linked in the DotMoms site. Not THAT bad, uh? (I did submit my blog to DotMoms editor in Mom in the Mirror :)
Wednesday, January 19, 2005
Reacting
I DO read several other blogs, you know... I just haven't figured out a way to list/link to them in my Blog with this template - ignorant that I am in HTML. So today I did get to read a few things that I wanted to react to.
Lots of people are writing about this New York Times writer's take on mothering and career (David Brooks:
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/01/15/opinion/15brooks.html)
One of the reactions has a direct connection to my experience with mothering and graduate school:
"First, he gives that lame lipservice to "rather than her spouse", but in the context of the whole piece, you know he doesn't really mean it that men could/should take this option. Second, you don't have to take 10 years off to have 2 kids, and if you did, you wouldn't then need to "select a flexible graduate program specifically for parents." As it happens, graduate programs are quite flexible as it is (at least compared to 9-5 jobs), and we don't need to create "mommy track" grad programs. "
(http://thurgood.blogspot.com - Sat. Jan 15, 2005)
Yes, exactly... like I've said before, the flexibility of being a grad student and a teaching assistant allowed me to have my first son and still work for 2 more years (of course it also helped that my husband was also a grad student with a flexible schedule).
I hope to be able to post more on these issues later...
Lots of people are writing about this New York Times writer's take on mothering and career (David Brooks:
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/01/15/opinion/15brooks.html)
One of the reactions has a direct connection to my experience with mothering and graduate school:
"First, he gives that lame lipservice to "rather than her spouse", but in the context of the whole piece, you know he doesn't really mean it that men could/should take this option. Second, you don't have to take 10 years off to have 2 kids, and if you did, you wouldn't then need to "select a flexible graduate program specifically for parents." As it happens, graduate programs are quite flexible as it is (at least compared to 9-5 jobs), and we don't need to create "mommy track" grad programs. "
(http://thurgood.blogspot.com - Sat. Jan 15, 2005)
Yes, exactly... like I've said before, the flexibility of being a grad student and a teaching assistant allowed me to have my first son and still work for 2 more years (of course it also helped that my husband was also a grad student with a flexible schedule).
I hope to be able to post more on these issues later...
Monday, January 10, 2005
New Year? (a bit late)
Yes, a new year, but it was so anticlimatic this time, with the Tsunami tragedy and all...
But our holidays were not that bad. It was only the four of us and, yes, we didn't have a proper Christmas eve dinner, just the Christmas day potluck with our Brazilian friends, but it was still fun to open the presents with the boys. On New Year Eve I at least did cook a special dinner.
I should be posting pretty soon about the things my oldest son says. Sometimes it's really funny to live with a 2 year-old.
I never post in this blog, by the way, because nobody reads it... for now, it's just a waste of time, and I don't have too much time to waste :)
But our holidays were not that bad. It was only the four of us and, yes, we didn't have a proper Christmas eve dinner, just the Christmas day potluck with our Brazilian friends, but it was still fun to open the presents with the boys. On New Year Eve I at least did cook a special dinner.
I should be posting pretty soon about the things my oldest son says. Sometimes it's really funny to live with a 2 year-old.
I never post in this blog, by the way, because nobody reads it... for now, it's just a waste of time, and I don't have too much time to waste :)
Thursday, December 23, 2004
Saudade.../ Holiday blues...
It's hard to be here and have most of the family down in sunny and warm Brazil, eating tons of delicious fruit, enjoying the beach, and, most importantly, each other's company.
After spending 3 consecutive Christmases with family (01 and 02 with my in-laws and last year with both sets of grandparents in my mom's house in Brazil) this year it's just the four of us - oh, and it's the first Christmas we're a foursome.
It's a little sad, but considering that we saw most of our family members several times this year (we had graduations, a wedding, two births - all here in the U.S.), we're better off than many Brazilian expatriates we know. We're having a potluck Christmas dinner with a group of Brazilian friends, and that should be fun!
The tree's decorated, most presents are wrapped, the food shopping is done, all that remains now is this nostalgia. The right word is untranslatable: saudade. This word is said to be unique to the Portuguese language. It means homesickness, a deep longing, feeling blue, nostalgic. All of that and more. I'm sure people who speak other languages feel it too, they just don't have the "right" word to describe it.
Well, even with lots of saudade I hope we have a good holiday season, and that next year, we can be together with our WHOLE family again!
After spending 3 consecutive Christmases with family (01 and 02 with my in-laws and last year with both sets of grandparents in my mom's house in Brazil) this year it's just the four of us - oh, and it's the first Christmas we're a foursome.
It's a little sad, but considering that we saw most of our family members several times this year (we had graduations, a wedding, two births - all here in the U.S.), we're better off than many Brazilian expatriates we know. We're having a potluck Christmas dinner with a group of Brazilian friends, and that should be fun!
The tree's decorated, most presents are wrapped, the food shopping is done, all that remains now is this nostalgia. The right word is untranslatable: saudade. This word is said to be unique to the Portuguese language. It means homesickness, a deep longing, feeling blue, nostalgic. All of that and more. I'm sure people who speak other languages feel it too, they just don't have the "right" word to describe it.
Well, even with lots of saudade I hope we have a good holiday season, and that next year, we can be together with our WHOLE family again!
Monday, December 13, 2004
so what?/ a que vim?
I started a blog, but I’m not even writing on it. Partly because of the awareness that it's almost useless - nobody reads it yet. I have no idea whether anybody will ever read it, but just the fact of having it gives me a certain comfort... I don't really belong to this cyber community yet, only unilaterally (I do read other blogs), but MAYBE someday I will belong, I will be read, heard, feel truly connected. I have yet to figure out how to add links to other blogs I read, sites I recommend and the like. I know nothing of HTML and that makes things a little bit harder…
The second reason why I haven’t written any more is that my son (the 6 month old) has been teething (first tooth is out, yeay!), and our sleep has been extremely compromised because of that in the past few weeks. We also traveled on Thanksgiving, had friends over the next weekend, and traveled again last weekend.
The third reason is that I feel a bit intimidated about writing something “public.” Even though English is not my “mother tongue”, as an academic, particularly in literature, I’m supposed to write at least tolerably, and that makes me think twice before posting. I’m not too confident in my abilities as a writer, I wish I could write only half as well as, for example, Catharine Newman (I’m the BIGGEST fan of her online weekly journal, Bringing up Ben and Birdy: http://parentcenter.babycenter.com/general/preschooler/72519.html) Today, however, I decided to just go for it, it may be worth it… and if I don’t even try, nothing will ever come of it.
Let's see...
The second reason why I haven’t written any more is that my son (the 6 month old) has been teething (first tooth is out, yeay!), and our sleep has been extremely compromised because of that in the past few weeks. We also traveled on Thanksgiving, had friends over the next weekend, and traveled again last weekend.
The third reason is that I feel a bit intimidated about writing something “public.” Even though English is not my “mother tongue”, as an academic, particularly in literature, I’m supposed to write at least tolerably, and that makes me think twice before posting. I’m not too confident in my abilities as a writer, I wish I could write only half as well as, for example, Catharine Newman (I’m the BIGGEST fan of her online weekly journal, Bringing up Ben and Birdy: http://parentcenter.babycenter.com/general/preschooler/72519.html) Today, however, I decided to just go for it, it may be worth it… and if I don’t even try, nothing will ever come of it.
Let's see...
Monday, November 15, 2004
As an Introduction.../ À Guisa de Introdução...
My first question was: do I write a blog in English or in Portuguese?
In spite of having English as my main "writing" and "thinking" (academically) language in the past 8 years, I speak Portuguese at home with my husband and sons. I even write most of my journal entries (when I have time) in Portuguese. As a matter of fact, my 2 year and 8 months old son does not speak nor understand English - I can't even recount his witty and funny sayings here without translating and probably adulterating their meaning. Hence the mama in translation. More precisely, mamãe in translation since that's what I am, my son doesn't call me mama or mommy.
Some facts:
I am an ABD (all but dissertation) comparative literature doctoral student. My husband just got his Ph.D. in physics and is now working as a postdoc. We are foreign students from Brazil who just moved from MA to Philadelphia, PA.
For most of our graduate student careers, in addition to our respective TA and RA "jobs", we had a sponsorship from a private college in Brazil - that helped (meaning, we didn't starve, we were able to save some money, we even got a small townhouse) - but we owe a lot (healthcare, a few raises) to the strong graduate student union at our former university. Because of our flexible schedules as TA (me) and RA (husband), and my retired parents who came from Brazil to help, we never needed childcare for my oldest son (that's why he only speaks Portuguese), and I never stopped teaching (even in the summer) until I had my 2nd son last May.
I have no idea how I'm going to write my dissertation, now that my parents are back in Brazil. They spent 6 months here to help us in the crazy processes of caring for a toddler, having a baby, moving to a different city (selling one house, buying another), while my husband finished and defended his dissertation.
I'm currently a stay-at-home mom (lucky me! yes, I mean it... I feel sorry for those who need to have childcare for their precious children, e.g. http://motheringintheivorytower.blogspot.com/), in a new city, with very few friends, very little money, and the need to be endlessly creative to entertain a toddler, and keep an infant from screaming all day long. Of course I'm ready to scream myself!
That's why I started a blog.
PS1 on the "translation theme", should I mention that my dissertation is about translation?
OK, I just did, so, to be more precise, it's on Brazilians in English translation.
PS2 I want to "thank" my former teacher John Milton for starting a blog - I enjoyed it, and it motivated me to start one as well: http://foundintranslationjmilton.blogspot.com/
In spite of having English as my main "writing" and "thinking" (academically) language in the past 8 years, I speak Portuguese at home with my husband and sons. I even write most of my journal entries (when I have time) in Portuguese. As a matter of fact, my 2 year and 8 months old son does not speak nor understand English - I can't even recount his witty and funny sayings here without translating and probably adulterating their meaning. Hence the mama in translation. More precisely, mamãe in translation since that's what I am, my son doesn't call me mama or mommy.
Some facts:
I am an ABD (all but dissertation) comparative literature doctoral student. My husband just got his Ph.D. in physics and is now working as a postdoc. We are foreign students from Brazil who just moved from MA to Philadelphia, PA.
For most of our graduate student careers, in addition to our respective TA and RA "jobs", we had a sponsorship from a private college in Brazil - that helped (meaning, we didn't starve, we were able to save some money, we even got a small townhouse) - but we owe a lot (healthcare, a few raises) to the strong graduate student union at our former university. Because of our flexible schedules as TA (me) and RA (husband), and my retired parents who came from Brazil to help, we never needed childcare for my oldest son (that's why he only speaks Portuguese), and I never stopped teaching (even in the summer) until I had my 2nd son last May.
I have no idea how I'm going to write my dissertation, now that my parents are back in Brazil. They spent 6 months here to help us in the crazy processes of caring for a toddler, having a baby, moving to a different city (selling one house, buying another), while my husband finished and defended his dissertation.
I'm currently a stay-at-home mom (lucky me! yes, I mean it... I feel sorry for those who need to have childcare for their precious children, e.g. http://motheringintheivorytower.blogspot.com/), in a new city, with very few friends, very little money, and the need to be endlessly creative to entertain a toddler, and keep an infant from screaming all day long. Of course I'm ready to scream myself!
That's why I started a blog.
PS1 on the "translation theme", should I mention that my dissertation is about translation?
OK, I just did, so, to be more precise, it's on Brazilians in English translation.
PS2 I want to "thank" my former teacher John Milton for starting a blog - I enjoyed it, and it motivated me to start one as well: http://foundintranslationjmilton.blogspot.com/
Sunday, November 14, 2004
a picture is worth...
Well, as my obsession with photographs would have it, the first thing I posted to my blog was a picture. I was trying to figure out how hello works so I could add a picture to my profile and then - click! - I added a photo as my first post. I hope it IS worth a thousand words, since I can't describe what my youngest son Linton means to me. Not even in a thousand words.
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