100 things part I: 50 things about blogging

I first saw this seemingly common "100 things" post a few weeks ago in Wet Feet, then, last week I encountered it again in the archives of American Family. Those are the only two I've read.

First I thought I'd write only about the boring topic of "things I learned reading blogs, blogging and thinking about blogging". After I got started, I decided to write personal stuff as well, more in the way of the original 100 posts I'd read. So I divided the list in two, since it's ridiculously long anyway. I'm too prolix, unfortunately. And I use too many adverbs, it's pathetic. Really.

Without further ado, here it is:

1. Blog reading and blogging are addictive.

2. Blogging makes you live composing blog posts in your head, like Dawn quoted from someone else here. “If, as you live your life, you find yourself mentally composing blog entries about it, post this exact same sentence in your weblog.”

3. I keep composing these “entries” in my mind, but never get to post them.

4. That’s one of the reasons why I decided to do this 100 things list.

5. I’ve learned so much from blogging that it’s hard to list.

6. A second strong reason to do the list post!

7. The first blog I ever read was Invisible Adjunct, but it didn’t get me blogging.

8. Then I read a former teacher’s blog about his experience in Japan (Found in Translation) and got curious.

9. Reading This Woman’s Work fascinated me and soon after I started the blog.

10. I read all the blogs in my blogroll, that’s why it’s not a really long list.

11. Before adding someone I usually read or browse through most of their blog archives first.

12. The obvious (though it took me a while to realize this): there are “cliques” or niches in blogosphere (even inside the “mama blogs”). E.g. adoption, infertility, academics, politics (never read those), etc.

13. People in cliques usually blogroll each other, but not very often other people

14. I like to be “eclectic” in my tastes, and not to try to hang out only with “the likes of me” in blogosphere.

15. That way I can learn something too, even though I know some people from “other cliques” will never care to read me.

16. I just updated my blogroll, trying to classify the blogs I read into some of these “cliques” or areas out there (in my own way, of course).

17. It may, or may not be true, but I have a feeling that “Typepad” people tend to prefer/attract other typepad people.

18. I find the tiny piece of “blog gossip” I’ve come across fascinating (i.e. Dawn said that Chez miscarriage withdrew her archives because of a “secret” book deal – as a result, I started reading her blog – I had already read the great “mommy drive-by” thing, but not gone back)

19. At first I was a bit taken aback by her “celebrity status” in blogosphere, and the hordes of faithful commenters who believed everything she said, but then I “got it”. I mean, she’s really insightful, and her wry, sarcastic humor is refreshing (if not depressing at times). I’ll read her book.

20. (As some of you know, I’m the biggest fan of Catherine Newman and her “column”. I bought her book and went to a reading. I have yet to read the two books by “Philly mamas” Andrea Buchanan and Miriam Peskowitz, I check their blogs once in a while)

21. One of the things, I learned the most about in blogosphere is adoption.

22. I had “lightly” considered adopting in the past but now, in light of all I know I think it wouldn’t work for our family.

23. From Dawn (This Woman’s Work) I learned that a domestic open adoption is a very complex thing, which can also be profoundly beautiful (in spite of the sadness).

24. I learned from Kateri (Wet Feet) a bit (just the tip of the iceberg, I’m sure) of what being a birth-mother feels like.

25. I have been deeply touched by these women’s stories and feel grateful they have shared them through blogging.

26. I also learned about the pressure young mothers feel to give up their babies (and found/read Allison’s Crews beautiful essay), felt broken hearted about it, and saddened by her death.

27. I gladly found out about other expatriate moms/ multicultural family bloggers and felt/feel enriched by their experience.

28. I finally felt “part” of something when some of them started to read (comment on) my blog (big thanks to you, Kate, Stella’s mami, “Sophie”, and Sandra).

29. This is probably the small “clique”, or “niche” I belong to. Oh, and because of them I got encouraged to comment on other blogs as well.

30. I sought after some academic mama blogs, and started to read them, but I don’t really “belong”, I guess, at least not yet.

31. Part of it is probably because of my ambivalent feelings about academia, as I have already posted about. I usually care more about personal matters than academic ones

32. (and I have to finish writing a dissertation, instead of keeping a blog, I don’t know how I’ll do it, but I hope I can : )

33. I am aware now that I may not get a job in academia because I blog (or, if I’m a nanny and my employer reads my blog, I could be fired : )

34. Oh, yes, and I know now that being fired for a blog is to be “dooced”

35. I wonder everyday whether I should edit my blog and make it anonymous. (should I even use my kids’ names here? I don’t know)

36. I definitely like non-anonymous blogs better, though. Why hide?

37. This is no reason to stop reading anonymous blogs, I realize.

38. In spite of the apparent threat, I don’t actually fear for my future employment or anything like that because of blogging.

39. What I am a bit afraid of is “trolls”, or being attacked via comments, but I doubt that will ever happen.

40. (I’ve found it is a “mixed blessing” when that happens, because it can bring tons of attention and readership and to one’s blog)

41. I’ve always been an over-sensitive person, and I might feel really hurt, even though it’s just stuff going in on in “virtual space”.

42. That’s probably why I’m always careful not to share too much, to try to choose my words carefully.

43. I’m already “the other” being a foreigner, why risk being attacked?

44. Risk what? Perhaps it’s just foolishness to be afraid, I should be able to speak my mind, talk more about myself here.

45. I’m afraid of not having things to say, or not having good arguments… or something to “contribute.”

46. It’s the academic in me who’s feeling the pressure to be always doing “new” things. But isn’t that true for “creative writing”, literature, in general (not just academics)?

47. I wish I could be a good writer, but I earnestly don’t think I am.

48. I’m not concise enough, I just “blabber on” (you know that thing about “showing, but not telling”? I only tell everything. I explain too much, can’t be artistic enough)

49. (All right, that’s why I am a “comparatist”, after all, and not a “Fine Arts” writing major)

50. I guess blogging is not completely useless. Here’s a “funny” thing my husband said to our best friends from Brazil about my blog: “We’re so busy that I have to read her blog so I can ‘talk’ to her.” So I’ll keep “talking” to whoever wants to listen.

I’m sure there were more things I had to say about blogging, writing, and what I learned but I’ll stop here, and move on to the more “juicy” personal stuff : )

Mama worries/ Afraid of what?

Quick update on baby's health. I think I figured what he has, since he's brother had it and we only found out weeks later: roseola. This common baby illness goes like this: a high fever for 3-5 days with baby cheerful and normal, then, a mild rash that lasts for 24 hours and then disappears, with an incredibly grumpy baby (I'm almost quoting from The Portable Pediatrician :) Thing is, his fever wasn't that high, and lasted for 2 days. He does have a rash, and has been very grumpy. I just hope it disappears by this afternoon, then it will have been roseola. I know, I could just call the doctor, but... if he does have roseola, there's nothing that can be done. He looks OK, just doesn't care too much for eating (nurses a lot), and can't play by himself for too long (is clingy).

Change of subject. I have spent several hours in the past two days writing an insanely long "100 things" post (I've seen it in a couple of blogs and thought it looked interesting). Now, however, I don't know if I really want to post it, I'm chickening out. I just don't know what is it that I'm afraid of. I feel so silly! Blogging is a funny thing, we do it because we want to, nobody is forcing us to write about ourselves, but sometimes it feels weird, it doesn't feel "right" in a sense. I hope I can bring myself to post that soon, in spite of the fact that it is way too long.

I did it!

OK, I know nothing of HTML, but I edited my blogroll, yay!!

And it doesn't look that bad either, does it? I just need to put a line or space between each title, but I'll do that later...

Mad at blogger

Just a quick rant...

I had just beautifully edited my blogroll, with categories, etc... (I'm an addicted "classifier", I wish I could classify my posts too, but here in blogger I have to do it manually)

Anyway, I lost it all, because I didn't realize I wasn't logged into Blogger (the window had been open since last night). I know, partly my fault, but... I'll blame it on blogger, of course :)

I have been working on several posts. Hopefully they'll come out of the oven soon...

Teething baby, helping a friend, high heat and humidity

That's what's been going on here. Linton has at least one tooth (a molar) coming through, and I think (and hope, at least) that this is what's causing the fever he's had on and off (but mostly on) for 48 hours. He's also nursing a lot, not eating much, and very, very clingy and whiny. I guess we just need to hang in there, Stella's mami :)

I've also been helping this Brazilian friend we met at a local playground almost a year ago. She has twins, a boy and a girl, only 5 months older (but MUCH taller :) than Kelvin (my 3 year old). She can't speak much English, can't drive, doesn't know any other Brazilians in the area and now that her(American) husband has to be 6 weeks away working (alternating with 6 weeks at home) she needs a lot of help. Her husband's relatives and her neighbor often give her a hand, but this week I bought groceries for her, and took her and her kids to the store -- it was "fun", 4 kids (running and screaming) and two moms. Today we also spent part of the day together. It's good for Kelvin, since he doesn't have many friends, and even better for the twins, since they just spent 6 months in Brazil and miss their friends and school from there.

It continues to be TERRIBLY hot here, and we haven't been outside very often, only late in the evening (right when the mosquitoes want to eat us alive :) The good thing is the delicious tomatoes we're getting from our garden! Once in a while we do get to go out. This evening, for example, we went to the Scott Arboretum, at the Swarthmore College, which is not very far from us. We often go to the beautiful Longwood Gardens, since we have a season pass (one of the best "investments" we made in our tight budget this year, because it's a gorgeous place to go with the kids, and it even has concerts free thoroughout the year, not that we've been able to catch many of them :) The other great thing about Longwood is the chance to take tons of beautiful pictures, one of which you've seen below . (if any of you would like to see a lot of pictures of our family, you can email me and I'll send you the links) Putting pictures online for family and friends to see is one of the most addictive things in my life -- of course now reading blogs is another, perhaps even "worse" addiction. There is a good post about this problem here. Academic coach also has a recent post about the "Voyeuristic Intimacy" experienced in blogging -- very interesting.


Last but not least, hubby's been working hard due to prospective applications. He's not feeling very confident, though, which is OK -- both are very long shots anyway. Conversely, I've been feeling highly motivated with my dissertation. I've recently found out other academics in Brazil working with the same subject, and we're getting in touch through email. Very encouraging! I'll keep you posted.

I'm still working on the promised "fun post", and I've been thinking of writing a bit about "social class and blogging", or doing one of those "list posts." I will soon update my blogroll -- I'm thinking of adding categories, this time. Will definitely have one for "Expatriate and/or Multicultural Family Mamas" -- any suggestions for a more fun "name" for this category? Speak quickly, because I think I'll do it soon! (I can always change it later, though :)

Just for the sake of posting...

I know, I haven't posted for over 10 days, even though I've been reading blogs as usual. I decided to break the silence, following swisslovebaby and expatmama, who recently posted (at least I know that they usually visit here : )

The past week or so two babies were born, and one adopted by people whose blogs I check regularly (chicagomama/incarcerated uterus had a baby daughter the same day her husband met their adopted daughter in China, the "famous" Chez Miscarriage finally had her son, who was born to the surrogate mom), and I've been following those...

Anyway... I've been quite busy with the boys and also with guests. After a weekend with an aunt, uncle and two cousins of my husband visiting, this week we have my mother-in-law with us. Kelvin is on cloud 9 (is that how you say it? I think in Portuguese we just say he's in the clouds, or something), because he LOVES to be around people, particularly family. My parents should be here in a month or so, because I finally decided I was going to ask them for help to try to finish my dissertation. Can't write about that too much, my mom might read this : ) It will definitely be great for Kelvin, probably not so great for me, because I'll have no excuse whatsoever not to work.

Let me change the subject, quick, before I get too upset. Things have been happening that might have future consequences. A university in Brazil has called my husband to do a short talk (it is a loooooong shot, but he's planning to go), he's also planning to apply to a university in Florida. We'll see... He needs to work really hard all this month to get things moving (publications, applications, etc).

It's been extremely hot and humid here. I think this is the very first summer in our 9 years in the US when we're using the AC most of the days. It does help that we live in a newer, more energy-efficient house, so it's not too expensive. Of course it'd be hard for the boys if we didn't use AC.

Last but not least, I've been working on a post that should -- hopefully -- be fun. I'll try to finish and post it soon, OK?

Enter toddler, exit baby

(edited to add picture)
Linton's walking. It's been a week now, but I'm still mistified by his pretty sure steps. All this week I'd be working at the computer, and then I'd hear this noise and wonder, who's that? Oh, yes, it's Linton walking by -- it does sound completely different from the softer noises made from crawling on the carpet, and different from Kelvin's more "mature" steps.

All right, I admit that by the "medical definition" (taking 3 steps) he's been walking for well over a month now (he actually took his first "3 steps" the day after the doctor told me this definition at the 12 month check-up), but my definition is a bit more comprehensive. For me, walking means walking not just from me to the sofa, or taking a few steps and then falling down, which he was doing a lot, but walking away from people, and walking, say, all the way from the living room to the kitchen. That only started last week, and he's already trying to "run" and jump. I thought he'd walk earlier than his brother, because he started crawling almost 2 months earlier, and was always very strong. I was actually wondering why he wasn't walking, since he knew how to, and his legs were (are) so strong that he could get up without support when sitting on the floor, and, when standing, squat and get right up again. I started to joke that he was a perfectionist, and only wanted to walk when he felt he'd be "perfect" at it. That's a "possibility" given how sure he looks now that he's doing it.

I'll miss my crawling baby, though, since they say now he's no longer a baby, but a toddler. And it's really amazing, but all of a sudden he's doing so much in such a short time! Saying new words everyday, pointing to objects, wanting to eat only by himself... And he does look like a whole new person now that he no longer needs to be a "quadruped", but can join the rest of his family in the biped world : )

I'm blogging, therefore I won't get a job in academia

Tonight I decided to google some words to try to find other dissertating (or recent Ph.D. graduate) mothers in blogosphere, and I was successful! I haven't yet read much of these blogs, but they look promising:ABDmom (a fellow All But Dissertation mother), Six Impossible Things Before Breakfast (a mother of two working on her dissertation), 11D (recent Ph.D. and mother). And I know there should be more out there.

Both SITBB and 11D mention a recent article in
The Chronicle of Higher Education that I don't know if I can link to here because I'm not a subscriber (you could get there from the above mentioned blog entries). The title is pretty scary: "Bloggers Need Not Apply" and I once again think that I have no future as an academic. No, not because I blog, but because reading about the process of hiring, interviewing, evaluating candidates, etc, makes me think again that I don't fit in. And the most important part - I don't really want to, or care too much [edited to add - see, if a search committee ever reads this, I'll be in deep trouble, right? You're supposed to "worship academia" and all it represents, I guess].

The difficult part with this whole academic "thing" is: I still have to go through the motions, the painful process of writing a dissertation, all for "nothing". Yes, because I do want to finish, even if I don't know if I'll get (or think I have any chance of getting) an academic job. Well, more on that later (I mean, in a future post).

The funny thing is that I have thought before about whether blogging could jeopardize my "academic career", and I've even written in an earlier post that probably nothing would happen to a graduate student. Well, maybe not. Oh, yeah, cyberspace can be "dangerous" in more ways than one realizes.

Birthday, visit from friends, busy translating - oh, and reading

I've been quite busy...

Last weekend we had two of our closest friends from Brazil staying with us for a little over 24h. Before staying up all night talking to them on Friday, we'd gone to bed really late in the previous days trying to get the house in shape (that's one of the things we love about guests - they "force" us to clean up the house!), then this week, I finally had some work to do - two translations (and I'm still not done, 2 more due on Friday), and I stayed up very late again for 2 nights. So... I'm a wreck, but - guess what - sleep can wait (a few more years, probably) because here I am, blogging away...

Should I mention that part of my late night working the past 2 days was due to the fact that I spent part of Sunday and ALL of Monday reading a book? Now, come on, don't chastise me, I haven't read a book of fiction of my own choice for years now... Everything I've read in the past 7 years was either for a class I was taking or for a class I was teaching.

The book I read was: I Don't Know How She Does It by Allison Pearson. I enjoyed it, it would be fun to read reviews and comments from the time it was published, since I'm coming to it soooo late (it's from 2002), but I have no time. I had read something about it because the author is writing a new book, and set up a website to collect experiences from women who want to contribute to it (Dawn linked to it): Women Doing It All.com. Then, coincidentaly, I came across the book at one of those "close out" stores, for 3.99, and couldn't resist. It just made me think that moms that stay at home also work a lot, and don't necessarily remember everything or have a clean or organized home either.

Last but not least, I had a birthday on the 7th. 7/7, that really made me like the number 7. No big celebration, since we were getting ready for our guests, but I enjoyed the day - went to a bookstore to get a scrapbooking and a gardening book. The first one is just for me to fantasize about scrapbooking (something I haven't done in 5 years, and intend to start again after I finish my dissertation as a consolation prize, ha ha ha :) and the second is to help me garden right now, and plan for next year.

Very boring post, I know... but that's what I've been doing. The boys are great, will post about them separately.

Expatriates, 9 years and counting

June 20 came and went, and this year I didn't even remember it was the "anniversary" of our arrival in the States in 1996. One of the reasons is that we no longer live in Massachusetts, the place we went to in the first place and lived in for 8 years. There, whenever June came around, we usually reminisced about our arrival, and looked back to the years since then, also wondering about what we'd do in the future.

Nine years is a long time, it's almost as long as we've been married (it'll be 11 years in December), almost a decade! We still feel connected to Brazil, especially to the friends we left there, they are still the best friends we have. We visit every year or two, family members come to visit often, we speak only Portuguese at home, but the deep, visceral saudade ("homesickness", longing, yearning, etc - this word is basically untranslatable) that we used to feel all the time now is almost gone. It only comes back once in a (long) while, like for example in the rare visits from close friends, when we realize how much we are missing in terms of wonderfully close, meaningful and enriching human interaction. That's what we're missing here. In these nine years we had few moments of real "fulfillment" in terms of friendships and interacting with people who are "kindred spirits."

Otherwise, our lives have been wonderful. We had many opportunities that we'd never have in Brazil (mostly for lack of money), like spending a month studying French in France (just me, in 1999), backpacking in Europe for a month (2000), visiting London for a week (2001), apart from the opportunity of getting a Ph.D. in a large university, and just living in the U.S., getting to learn and internalize its culture. Dreams come true, no doubt, but at what cost? Sometimes I feel our lives are pretty "empty", because of the lack in friendships.

And about the future? It's still up in the air. Right now we feel strongly that it would be great to go back to Brazil, but my husband would have to get a job in a public university, preferably in Sao Paulo state, and that's not very easy. On the other hand, it would be more "practical" to go back only after we had permanent residency, so we could come back easily, not having the hassle of Visas, etc. This would take at least 5 years or more to happen. How would it be to go back to live in Brazil after 13-15 years abroad? I'm sure it wouldn't be easy, but there at least we have family and friends, our "roots" -- we certainly have no kind of roots here, but that's the kind of choice immigrants have to make, right? Whoa, I used this word, immigrant, but I've never seen myself as one. I always felt it was only temporary, "We're just foreign students, we have to go back, we don't really want to stay here." I don't know if I feel the same way, even though I still have difficulty to see myself as an immigrant, and, technically, I'm not one either.

Technicalities aside, I guess I can say I would have no problem staying here. It's the "easy" way out, since in Brazil life is harder (less money, access to culture and arts, much more violence, insecurity), but when I think of our children, not growing up with the kinds of friendships we have in Brazil, when I think of ourselves, not having those friends around, I see a dreary future ahead. Not to mention our families -- what to do when our parents get really old and need our care?

I know, I know, there's nothing I can do about it right now, but those are the kinds of thoughts I entertain every single day of my life as an expatriate, and I imagine most people in my situation do too. The fact that I am a mother also puts a different spin on all these musings. Where do I want my sons to grow up? Do I want to provide them with the same kind of opportunities/experiences I had when growing up? How are they going to fell with respect to both countries and the choice I (we) make for them?

There are many, many more questions, and they linger in my mind whenever I think about our decisions, past and future ones. Back in 1996 we didn't really see them coming, all these questions and doubts, but they're all part of the process, after all, we chose to come here, and now we have to deal with it!
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Well, just before I forget, I'm not the only one looking back into the past and thinking about how life has been, Sophie has written an interesting entry about her experience as an expatriate, now back in her country.

MIT Survey

I participated, it was interesting. I prefer to think that I made some science than that I'm just a statistic (the other "label" I could have chosen. Well... I guess I am just a statistic, just someone else out here in virtual space... I'll try to post soon, I guess. Oh, yes, I decided to do the survey after seeing it in Kate's blog (Expat Mama). I hope she and her family have a good trip back. I have been busy with family/friends visiting, etc... but I'll write about it some other time.

two links: childhood memories, gardening and writing

Edited in Jan. 3rd 2007 to fix the link to Dawn's entry.
I couldn't help but link to this WONDERFUL post by Dawn (this woman's work) about childhood memories, letting children roam, also, about work, since play is children's work, which it the title of the post (Expatmama might like that, even though it's not totally related to her work discussion). It just helped me so much to think that children need unsupervised play, and it seems that I've been so involved with my children as a mother that I had forgotten how wonderful my own childhood was, with me and my brother playing freely everywhere (we lived in the countryside, our parents worked at a boarding academy, that was basically on a farm - we were soooo lucky!). Anyway, of course they are still young, but there will come a time that the best thing I can do for them is let them be on their own and figure things out...

The other post has to do with my recent gardening passion, and it was great to see someone writing about gardening and writing, it came in handy, I just don't know whether I'll have a "happy ending" to my story like Ericka! But I'll try to keep on writing and gardening (and certainly the second is much easier, I totally agree!)

Gardening 101 (edited )

I edited this in July adding pictures to the "body" of the post. I'll try to add some more later, then I can delete the other "picture-only" entries.

(I wrote the first part 11 days ago 6/7/05)

I have been spending quite some time taking care of my very first garden, and I'm so excited!!

In our first 4 years here in the U.S. we lived in rental apartments, then, we bought a condo (townhouse), but I could only "garden" in the patio, in containers, and I don't like container gardening too much. In that first house, even though we weren't supposed to, I planted tulip bulbs in the bare mulched space between our condo and the next (we had a corner unit), and a shasta daisy plant by the back patio wall. But I longed to plant vegetables, and more flowers, etc... I finally had the chance when we moved to the Philadelphia area last year and bought one side of a "twin" house, with a small front lawn, and a pretty big backyard.

The funny thing with me and gardening is that I'm TERRIBLE at taking care of house plants. My potted plants get neglected and end up dying, and, upon the birth of our first son, I figured he'd try to eat them anyway, so I gave up on them. Gardening outdoors, though, is a whole different story. I can easily water using a hose, I can enjoy being outside while I garden, I can be creative in using the space that I have, etc, etc...

I started small last year, planting a few perennial shrubs under our front bay window with the help of my mom and dad who were still here (see picture). Then, in (very) late fall, I planted tulip and crocus bulbs in front of the shrubs. They bloomed beautifully this spring, as you can see below.

(from now on I'm writing as I go)

Tulips are my favorite flowers, we don't have them in Brazil, it's too hot there for them, so you can imagine my excitement to see them bloom every year! I posted 2 pictures, even though I took a ton...

Well, just to explaing the last pictures. After the tulips wilted, it took me a while to work in the garden again, but I did, and I planted pretty petunias, and another flower I don't know the name of... So, I will be back here writing about gardening. I don't want to forget to mention that I also planted herbs by the kitchen back steps, and in the back of the yard, tomato plants and zuchinni. But I haven't photographed them yet!

P.S. I have to say that I am an avid photographer (mostly of my kids :) and it's surprising I hadn't tried to post pictures earlier here. I guess seeing the pictures in one of chicagomama's latest entries, got me going. (I'll try to add link later)

Tulips are my favorite flowers (4/28/04) 

Tulips between condos (4/28/04) 

Daisies (10/15/03) 

Getting started (9/3/05) 

Crocuses (with Linton) - 4/5/05 

Tulips 1 (with Kelvin) - 4/21/05 

Tulips 2 (4/19/05)