Three Meaningful Years

I missed posting on my "blogging anniversary"(or blogiversary as some folks say) again this year. On November 14, 2004 I posted a picture of myself and my youngest son and started this blog. I guess the picture can be seen as "symbolic" because the son and the blog came to existence in the same year only five and a half months apart.

I'll try to think a bit about these past three years, but in case I come up short, I want to offer you this post which sums up what blogging has come to mean in my life.

In the past year since I wrote that I met five other bloggers in person (Laura, Lauren, Jeannette, Anjali, and OK, one of them, O, hadn't started blogging yet, but I did get to meet her right before that :)

OK, how my life changed in the past three years.

1) I have become hopelessly addicted to blogging and blog reading. I do limit my reading as much as possible and I have to admit (and apologize to those involved) that I haven't even been able to keep up with the blogs in my blogroll (which needs some updating as well). The problem with me and blog reading is that I need to interact with people, so I have to comment almost every post I read and that takes time, so sometimes I'm not able to read.

2) As the post I linked to in the second paragraph above attests, I have become a happier person since I started blogging. (here's a happy photo for you -- I'd love to put it in my profile [I used it for facebook -- let me know if you're there so we can be friends'], but I still don't have the courage to do it. I don't mind posting photos, though).

3) I think I may have improved my writing a bit, but not much. As you've probably noticed, NaBloPoMo is a breeze for me because I'm a blabbermouth, I have so much to say! And I've been so "boringly" chronicling my days that I even forgot to celebrate my "blog anniversary."

4) Most of all, meeting all of you has enriched my life beyond measure.

Thanks for being there for me and thanks for sharing your lives too, since they have touched mine!

Obviously... I Had Misplaced It/ About Showers

Well, it was a waste of energy to have felt even slightly stressed out about it, but I had absentmindedly misplaced my wallet and left it inside one of the children's bags at church (these are canvas bags in which we've placed books, crayons, a coloring book and other small items to keep the kids entertained). Those are kept inside a locked closet (I had put them away, actually), so the wallet was safe, but most certainly "lost" until we found it this evening during the baby shower.

Everyone had fun at that event, BTW. I apologize for the lack of modesty, but I can organize "killer" showers (wedding showers too). I like them co-ed (can't stand all women things, never ever have*), with a few silly games (not too many) and preferably some nice heart-to-heart type of advice and questions. My mom was the "master" of such showers and I attended several growing up and really enjoyed them. Those were "brainy" ones too, with techniques my mom "borrowed" from her classroom (she was a GREAT teacher) to make everyone participate and interact with the parents-to-be or bride and groom and not only learn more about each other and the event that was going to take place, but also have fun in the process.

Of course it's very hard to have the kind of interactions I enjoy with a bunch of loud Brazilians and their kids, so we had a bit more of the "silly games" that I would have liked. The men had fun, though, so that already qualifies it as a success I guess. There was plenty of food and a yummy (Brazilian, very tasty and moist) cake. Oh, I didn't really like the baby-food tasting game from my own shower, but I organized one with THIRTEEN different foods (distributed into fifteen large paper plates) and a printed list for them to fill out.
As usual it was fun to see the faces people made when tasting the food. It was also hilarious to see the three guys who were dressed in "diapers" made of toilet paper (I don't think I'll post a photo of that, though :).

*I should try to think about this some time, but I guess I was all for "all girls" until I graduated high school (during which time I didn't have a boyfriend and hung out with my best three girl-friends all the time until senior year when two of them started dating) and it all changed after I met K and we started dating. During all those years we were always hanging out with a "co-ed" group and I figured out I wasn't interested in the girls-only conversations. I never much cared for fashion, shopping and other typical subjects and preferred instead to participate in geeky and philosophical conversations. OK, more on that some other time.

The Checkout Lane is The Worst Place to Find Out...

... that you have lost your wallet/pocketbook.*

Yeah... worse yet if you're buying train toys for yous sons, trains they've been requesting for a few days (as a self-requested reward for improved potty behavior, more on that another time) and which they weren't able to buy with Daddy last night since they couldn't find it at another store. Toy trains and diapers (OK, we're not out of diapers yet, but still ;).

So, this scenario happened to me tonight and I still don't know where the wallet is (it was supposed to be in my bag, oh, and K had forgotten his at home -- perfect, huh?). I lost it in church this morning (we rent the building), but didn't find out until many hours later (at around 8:30 p.m.) in that checkout lane. :( Hopefully it'll be found tomorrow (we have already called the people in charge of the building).

On other news, Linton is well, but now Kelvin is getting really croupy too. Poor thing. He was even running a temperature this evening. I hope he doesn't get much worse until Monday because I don't want to have to go to the emergency room if his breathing gets really bad and he needs steroids like his brother. Yeah, fun times. And tomorrow we have a baby-shower to attend and I'm in charge of the games. K is not very amused, of course (he can't stand baby-showers). Oh well. I apologize for another boring old "unfortunate events" post...

*what's the difference between these two? I never know which one to use for the imitation leather thing where I carry money, cards, etc.

I Love Them Because of Monet

... and of course because they're beautiful
For some reason (perhaps my love of the color green) I was absolutely fascinated by this flower:
and its twin
and kept taking photos
All these photos were taken at Longwood Gardens last October. Their water-lily garden is usually closed at the end of September, but this year the weather was so warm that it remained open all of October, and (just one of the pools) into November.

P.S. Thanks for all your suggestions and support re. my application, etc. I feel terrible for complaining so much on this blog and turning NaBloPoMo into a series of "downer" posts. I'm hesitant now to launch into my "issues" post series since I'm afraid that imposing "cheap therapy" posts on my readers, posts in which I discuss certain things I'm not too happy about (when all of you know that I am generally a happy person) will just, I don't know, bore and/or bother you. Well, let me know if you'd want to hear my musings about body, hair, writing, and other things...

On the other hand I'll always have beautiful photos to share and I have old family photos as well as some curiosities to post too, so it might now be too bad. ;)

Degrees of (un)happiness

First, if you missed the previous post, there are some good news there, so check it out.

So K tells me that he feels much better now that he has a job and is no longer unemployed. He realized today that being jobless is one of the worse things that can happen a person and makes one feel ashamed and devalued. Even if it isn't the person's fault, it's hard not to think that there's something wrong with oneself. He's really excited about the projects he's going to be working on in the new temporary job and I'm happy for him.

As for myself, I wish I could be happier, but I'm just in a funk today, the high of working on the applications is gone and has been replaced by unease and anxiety. I want to apply to a few other posts, but I know my advisor is not happy to mail many recommendation letters. This is such a small detail, but you have no idea how crushed and discouraged I feel just because of this little thing (I wish I wasn't so sensitive, I wish I could be more assertive). Last year he told me I should set up a dossier with the graduate school for the applications, but I argued that I was only applying for a few positions and that my other two referees had no problem mailing the letters and, in the case of one of them, writing tailored letters for each position.

One of the first things I did when I learned on that surreal day that K had lost his job was emailing my committee members/referees. My advisor came forward with the same (insensitive) response -- set up a dossier. Doing so would make the whole process much slower and troublesome since I'd have to have to open a file with the career services, he (and the other referees if they chose to) would have to submit his/their letters and then I'd have to request the center in writing to send my dossier to the schools I'm applying to. If I were on campus, that wouldn't really be a big deal because I could just go there and fill a form, but the way it is now, it'd be quite hard. Besides, after 10 dossiers sent, I'd have to start paying for them to be sent. I almost sent him a nasty email, but in the end, after almost a week (in which I didn't go ahead and decided which schools to apply because I was so upset) I emailed him that setting up a dossier would just delay everything and that it wasn't my fault that I learned on October 31st that I'd need to apply, but that I'd be applying to very few places, most likely only three. He said OK, that a few letters would be OK.

So... now, I want to apply to some other places, even though the deadlines have passed, but I feel reluctant to ask him. Isn't it just AWFUL that he has to make me feel this way in such a bad moment of my life? And, heck, shouldn't I be applying to every single position under the sun just because we need to explore all the options? It makes me so angry that he just can't print out and sign a letter and put it in an envelope so the secretary will mail it for him? And why don't I just email him and say all this? The problem is that I did last year and his response was that I have to take them (the referees) into consideration. I could go find that email, but I won't, it will just make me more upset. What kind of an advisor is that? One that won't give the needed support to his/her student at the moment he/she needs it the most!!??

I mailed the remaining two applications today, but I feel discouraged to print and mail two more since I'd have to ask for recommendation letters again.

In addition to this situation and the fact that I need to finish the dissertation there are the many other things that make me sad & worried about this whole situation and the likelihood that we'll have to sell this house and move (probably at least twice -- yeah Anjali, I'll think of you!):

- The money we'll have to spend to renovate the house if we want to sell it and what we may lose in the process. (we may also make some, but I feel anxious about it)
- The hassle of renovation without enjoying the results.
- Probably not being able to join an organic CSA farm next spring :(
- Having to penny-pinch really really hard. I'm already used to living frugally, but I was thinking we'd slowly start to have a break.
- NOT KNOWING what will happen, where we'll go.

(I'm sure I'll add more to this list in the weeks/months to come -- I apologize for being so whiny.)

On the other hand, I've been feeling completely at peace with what happened, really. And with the fact that we're going to remain on our temporary vis@s and not apply for r&sidency just yet. It's just "more of the same" we've had for the past eleven years, I'm using to the temporariness of our situation.

"One step at a time" will have to be our new mantra.

P.S.
Responding to the comments to the previous post:
Prisca, Linton is much better, thanks for asking. Today we gave him the last teaspoon of the steroid and his breathing has almost normalized and the coughing is OK. Kelvin has a runny nose, but that's fine because he's really easy and non-maintenance when sick. (He's hard to deal with in other aspects though, sigh).
And, Anjali, we haven't ever had childcare for any of the boys because we couldn't afford it, that's why my parents came to live with us for so many months at a time. I don't think we'll be able to afford it now, particularly because Kelvin is going to a private school. It may also be good for my parents to come visit earlier than expected so they can be distracted and distanced from their own woes.

Plan B is in Place...

... now on to the next steps, and plans C, D, E, F, etc.

K has secured a temporary job offer today for another postdoc at the same university as his previous one (which by now most of you must have figured out). It's not going to be easy for him or for us, particularly because of the long commute and the long hours he'll have to put in to produce results and such, since he'll be there only for around six months, but at least it's something to help ease the transition. Now we have to hope that one of us gets an academic job, or, maybe he gets another industry job (although he's not too keen on that now) so we can know where we're going to be by March or April.

The next urgent thing will be working on this house to prepare it for sale since we cannot possibly keep it unless K has another industry job nearby, which is not very likely. Any other job won't allow us to afford the mortgage payment (unless I also had a good paying job which at this point is very uncertain and unclear). Good thing K will have a month or so to work on the house before he starts (probably in February) since he's supposed to receive his notice in December. Now... how am I going to work on the dissertation with home renovations and K in a "new" job remains to be seen. Maybe we'll have to resort do my parents one last time... unless I become super woman and quit procrastinating and get right to work. um, yeah.

Well, step by step we'll get out of this rut! (and I have to get out of my personal rut -- the dissertation!)

First One Down, At a Price

Preface:
In case you're wondering (because or yesterday's post), we had a good night, considering the circumstances. Linton was falling asleep at the dinner table and went to bed before Kelvin did. He did wake up crying and with trouble to breathe at 5 a.m. We both got up, cranked up the vaporizer (it needed salt in the water) and I sat/laid in bed propped up by some pillows with him on my chest so he could fall asleep. Then, we both slept until 7:45 (he was already sleeping on a mattress on the the guest bedroom's floor).

~~~~ ~~~~
This afternoon, just as the post office was closing, I mailed my first application even though all three are due tomorrow.

It was a "costly" process. K stayed home in the morning to watch Linton, but had to leave for an unexpected "farewell" lunch with his soon to be former co-workers and didn't come back home until 6 pm, so working on the application materials cost:

- 2 1/2 hours of TV/DVD for Linton, who usually watches only 1h maximum everyday (remember he was also sick and more unwilling to play by himself)

One of the applications needed to be there tomorrow "to receive full consideration," so I mailed it express. Cost:

- over 16 dollars.

Problem is... it probably won't get there tomorrow!! It's guaranteed for noon in 2 days. Why do they even call it express? Why do I pay all that money? I felt like driving the 5+ hours round trip to capital city to drop it off by hand, but with gas prices this high it would be mush costlier :(
(I know I should have Fedexed it, but with two kids in tow, not knowing where the closest fedex place is -- oh, I think I know! too late, though -- I just mailed it).

~~~~~ ~~~~
Afterword

After I announced that I'd be on the academic market again this year some of you, particularly Articulate Dad, expressed the concern that I might be doing it just out a sense of obligation to apply. He wrote:

The first question to ask (about these or any posts) is "would I want it?" If that answer is no, or not really, go no further. If yes, then you've got to answer whether you believe you've got what they need.

Yes, I think I'd want these posts and, for the most part, I've got what they need, that's why I decided to go ahead and apply. The postings were quite broad and I have some the qualifications they're looking for. I thought I'd give it a try, you know... The worse that could happen is getting a few rejection letters in the mail, but I've become used to those. A.D. also said:

But if your heart is not in it, just let go of it.

And I agree with him on this one too and although I cannot say that my heart is fully in it, I have to tell you that just working on the cover letters, updating my CV made me feel energized, like I was finally doing something useful! I felt good about my qualifications and it was gratifying to tailor each letter to match my qualifications to the job postings. All in all, I think that maybe I need a job to make my life more meaningful and purposeful (whether I feel this way after I do have the job, RocketMom, remains to be seen :). I think it would make a lot of sense to have an academic job, in spite of the fact that at times I feel so much angst about academia. Now... I don't feel that happy about the one liberal arts school in my list because I think my forte is research and not teaching, but I probably won't get far on that one (I don't have one key qualification, being able to teach Spanish, but decided to apply anyway).

All right, wish me luck. I'm excited I'm doing this, it wasn't painful to send out my stuff like it was last year. Maybe I'm slowly healing. Perhaps after I finish the dissertation I'll feel even more confident and fulfilled. That would be unbelievable for me, more than a dream come true, because I've felt so apprehensive that I'll feel annihilated when it's all said and done. Maybe there's hope. Oh, and working on the applications also makes me feel like working on the dissertation, isn't that grand? Too bad I'm here blogging instead ;)

Various Updates ( Including Brazilian Burglary Story) & Tiring Day

D= day
U= update

D: We all have been sick and coughing, but today Linton got worse. He started "wheezing" in the morning and had trouble breathing.

U: My parents' situation is slowly getting sorted out. The family of the deceased man is not suing and their attorney, who's a young man, the son of one of Gilberto's former clients, only wants to negotiate an indemnity to help the family.

D: I scheduled a sick visit at our new pediatrician's office. The 1 p.m. time meant that the day was ruined since I couldn't really accomplish much with a doctor's visit right in the middle of the day.

U: My parents are retired, but they have many benefits provided by their former employer (a religious organization), including health, car, home, and other insurances. They found out that this insurance will pay for the compensation that is negotiated between the attorneys. Isn't that great?

D: I ended up waiting for ONE HOUR at the doctor's office (20 minutes of the delay was caused by my inability to hand back the forms I was filling out right away) and Linton was hungry and having more and more trouble breathing -- how fun!

U: My aunt and uncle who are pictured here just suffered a spectacular burglary in Curitiba, Paraná, Brazil. One of their "adopted" granddaughters who lives here in the U.S. gave them a brand new fancy refrigerator and a plasma TV for their 50th wedding anniversary (see link above). They came back home from a weekend away and found the house had been broken into and not only the fridge and the plasma TV, but many other items had been stolen. The thieves came in through the back wall (very high, but with a ceiling from the attached laundry and barbecue rooms at the back) and probably brought in a truck (opening the two gates with the remote control found inside the house) to carry their loot. Unbelievable!

D: Linton did not have an asthma attack, his lungs are clear. The doctor said that from the sound of his cough it's probably croup and gave us a prescription for a steroid that is to be taken for three days. We finally left 1h30 after getting there and we were almost late for picking up Kelvin in school. Oh, I forgot to mention that I had to pick him up because K had gone to Philly to meet with the im*migration attorneys.

U: Because of the burglary my aunt and uncle, who are absolutely traumatized, don't ever want to leave their house unoccupied again, so my parents had to travel to Curitiba to house-sit for them. It's good distraction, but at the same time my dad probably needs psychological counseling or even anti-depressants to feel better about his personal tragedy.

D: While the boys watched their alloted two PBS shows Linton got worse and worse and started crying. I called the pharmacy, but since it's a new prescription and new pharmacy to us, we had to go there in person :( I had to spend some 20 minutes telling the boys that no, they couldn't have that gum, or those crackers, or those silly Christmas things... I gave Linton the steroid then and there (around 4:30 p.m.) knowing full well that we may be up all night with an Energizer Bunny boy... Oh well, if he can feel better, that's all that matters.

U: I'll write more posts about this later, but it looks like we're not going to apply for re*sidency just yet. We'll remain in "limbo-land" visa-wise for a while longer... who know for how long. Who knows if we'll remain in this country. Whatever. More on that later, promise.

D: Linton didn't feel better right away, kept on crying, complaining that he couldn't breathe, and asking for a nebulizer treatment, so I complied. He's better now and daddy's home, so I was finally able to come pay my dues to the GloBloPoMo authorities ;) While I held my complaining son I read the steroid's patient prescription information and it says one should take it BEFORE 9 a.m. so I guess we're in for a wild ride tonight. I told K we're taking turns. I remember full well one night with 12 months old Kelvin who was hospitalized for wheezing and took steroids around 5 p.m. -- I spent hours with him playing at the awesome hospital toy kitchen and pulling him around the hallways on one of the hospital's several wagons. At least tonight I'm home and there's the consolation of the internet, and... cover letters that need to be finished :(

P.S. Good think I had frozen food (mostly from Trader Joe's) for our "meals" today...

Little Brothers and Cousin Tumbling -- Video Blogging

NaBloPoMo (or GloBloPoMo, whatever you prefer -- I like the Global alternative since I'm not a "national" of this country ;) is a good opportunity for trying out alternative kinds of blogging, so I'm posting videos again (this was the first time), I don't know if the new blogger video thingy will work... maybe not.

I filmed these with my photo camera on Saturday night at the Fall Night at Kelvin's school. There was a gymnastics presentation by the students which was really cute, but I prefer to share the more spontaneous games of my sons and their cousin.

Tumbling cousins in action. At the end, Kelvin, all possessive of his school says that they (his brother and cousin) can't do it "Não pode, não pode" he says, and I respond, "Yes, they can" ("Pode sim") :


In the next one you can see the bossy brother in action before all three boys tumble several times (I say in the beginning "Let him go, let him go" and "Go, go, go" ("Deixa ele ir, deixa ele ir" "Vai, vai"):

Parents Need to be Strong...

... at least in front of their children.

I was thinking this afternoon as I expectantly waited for a phone call from my husband saying that he had made his connecting flight from D.C. to Philly...

[he didn't and he may have to rent a car to get here tonight -- when he should have already landed here and with us at the airport or in the car heading home :( ]

... that one of the hard things for parents of small children is having to be strong in front of them and for them. I'm not only talking about the tough times when a child has a fall and starts bleeding and freaking out or has an accident and a parent needs to be cold-blooded enough to act quickly while trying to calm down the child when they are in fact freaking out inside too! I have often felt surprised at how strong I can be in such unexpected moments (not that anything really really bad has ever happened -- there's one story that I still need to tell you, BTW).

I was thinking more in terms of being strong or keeping face, in a sense, in a situation like the one we're going through right now. These thoughts came to me because K and I haven't had any quiet moments to talk it over, to grieve, to just hug each other and cry a little. Of course most of it is due to the fact that both of us traveled right after last Wednesday and we had to prepare for it, etc, but it's partly because we have to care for young children. I did tell my boys about what had happened and they know that daddy lost his job and that we may have to move next year. I firmly believe in always telling children the truth and what's going on, but in a way that makes them feel secure that everything will be all right.

They both know what happened to their grandfather in Brazil. In fact, while thinking of writing this post I asked them what had happened and was surprised to discover that it was Linton, who's only three, who answered my questions more promptly. "It was night. There was this man riding a bike" he said. Kelvin said that "Grandpa hit him with the car" and Linton completed: "And he fell and went to the hospital." Of course Linton doesn't really understand what death means, but Kelvin, whose first "encounter" with this concept occurred 2 1/2 years ago when he was only 3 and is described here [I just updated this post with photos o Kelvin, you should check them out] answered my questions about what happened by stating that "The man died." So, I think they need to know about certain sad things that happen when those are directly related to our lives (I don't talk to the boys about the war in Iraq or Global warming, for example, but the other day Kelvin was asking me about why we have to go through security at the airport and I briefly explained to him about 9/11 and terrorists).

I want to do my best, though, to shield the boys from anxiety about our lives and what will happen in the future. I know they may be sad to leave this house (see again Kelvin's last question in the post I linked to above), but at the same time we can make the whole ordeal a positive experience, and not only to them, but to us. I won't "fake" strength in front of them, but I don't want to be crying or expressing my anxiety to them because I think it's unnecessary. Now that Kelvin is almost 6, we have to be careful with the conversations and discussions that we have in front of him because he will certainly remember or at least keep some recollection of his feelings when he heard these things. Some of my earliest recollections negative have to do with when my dad was "fired," or, more precisely, transferred from one job to another when I was 6 years old. I remember the way my mom felt very strongly (and negatively) about several of my dad's "bosses." Like Kateri said (at least I think she did) in a relatively recent post [I checked back to May] that I cannot find (or maybe she deleted it, which is unlikely, or maybe I'm imagining things... I don't know) that we have to be careful about what we say to our 4-5 year-olds because from now own our lives and what we say to them become part of the their conscious lives and their earliest recollections.

I don't want the boys to remember this year as a negative one and if we have to move, I want it to be a positive experience. I still want to be able to have serious conversations about this with K, though, and to cry a little if I need to... I guess we'll have to stay up late a lot in the months to come, that's all, or... try to put them to bed earlier!

Fall Pics

I was going to post these pictures last Wednesday (11/7) and this is how I had started the post:

"There's so much I want to blog about, but right now I have "mama brain," that is, I'm so exhausted of being on my own with two human beings under 6 years old that I can hardly think. Besides, I have to go to bed early so I can get up early to take Kelvin to school."

Forward two days to yesterday and my sister-in-law's arrival and now I can barely find time for blogging because I finally have an adult to talk to while we watch four little boys together.

So here's what I was planning to post, photos taken at Longwood Gardens three weeks ago. The boys posed nicely after a bribe of the promise of buying some popcorn later.

"Look at that camera!!"

(is he a bossy older brother or what?)
Now with flash, making faces:

Now in the sun
(at another pumpkin display that looks exactly the same):

Closer

Tomorrow I'll be back with more

Hi, I know I have to post everyday and it's one minute to midnight, so I guess I'm still good, but my sister-in-law is here and we're talking and I'll have to come back to write more tomorrow, OK?
Promise.

Here I Go Again

I didn't think I was going to have the courage to go for it, but I'm applying for three academic posts. After I'm rejected, which I most certainly will be ;) ...

(I may get an interview, but I don't think it'll go further than that -- it'll be just a very inconvenient trip to Chicago [MLA] during the week between Xmas & New Years which I'm supposed to be spending with my family, GRRRR, that's all)

... I'll tell you in which universities/colleges they were, OK? (all three on the East Coast, is all I'll say for now).

Now, if I can only find the time to work on those application materials! It's all due on the 15th, but I can only work after hubby comes back -- good thing he's coming on Sunday, not on Wednesday. YAY! Tomorrow my sister-in-law is coming with her sons to spend the weekend with us. It'll be good to have another adult to talk to again... (sigh)

Triplets

For Jody :)

A Metaphoric (If Clichéd) Look at the Latest Events

This will be a recurrent theme in the blog from now on... sorry about that, but I need a space to grieve and to figure out what we're going to do. Thanks for listening.
(tomorrow there'll be only photos to cheer us up, OK?)

K loosing his job and the likelihood of not living here, being forced to sell this house, and not knowing what to do next with our lives feels like, or is...

... a slap in the face, several ones, in fact

... a cold water bucket thrown over our heads (as we'd say in Brazil) -- only it's ice water, almost at freezing temperature

... a kick in the gut (or several)

... a rug suddenly being pulled from under our feet making us loose our balance and fall

... someone purposely made us trip and fall

... being unexpectedly stabbed in the back

... becoming the butt of a cruel, malevolent joke

I'm still a bit numb from the shock, the "cold water" and I still feel pain. I'm trying to figure out how to get up again and it's difficult to do so when you know "people" may be laughing at your expense.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Throughout the house hunting process I compared our "relationship" to the prospective houses to the courtship and getting married. I guess that the image now would be that we're being forced by external circumstances to a premature, unwanted divorce. There are some alleviating details such as the fact that we were still trying to adapt and warm up to the house, but it's sad to realize that even though we just started to "get to know it" we were already feeling very happy here. The saddest thing is letting go of what we had envisioned for the future -- gardening, inviting friends over for picnics and ball playing, etc.

Some things I'm feeling right now:

- Anger because I have to just pause and perhaps "rewind" any feelings I have/had about the house, any expectations about our future.

- Disappointment (very acute) because we thought we'd finally settle down.

- Discouragement, complete lack of energy to go on with renovations we won't be able to enjoy.

- Sadness that we'll have to move on and leave these almost fulfilled dreams behind.

However, I also feel hopeful and confident that everything will turn out fine, but it's hard to think positively.

For the third time only (remind me to tell about the other two times -- maybe in the comments later) I'm shedding some tears this evening, as I think through this post and look at photos we took in the past months. It's painful to look at those pictures and it makes me want to stop taking them altogether. I won't though. I want to record our brief moments in this house so we can look back at these few months and remember we had it... We were so close to realizing some dreams, but maybe they weren't meant to be, maybe there are better ones waiting around the corner. Only time will tell. Meanwhile, I look at this picture of the grass I took at a picnic we had in the backyard some weeks ago, and I let the tears run down my face. I know it won't be the last time I cry and that realization is not easy to accept.
I've been asking "Why?" a lot, but I know it'll take a long time to know the answer.

Funny Cell Phone Story

Yesterday I couldn't find my cell phone so I did what I often do, I "paged" it by calling it from my home phone. I couldn't hear it ringing anywhere in the house, though, and I became worried. I was calling for the third time and almost giving up when someone answered. It felt funny, as if I'd called a wrong number. The voice identified itself right away as "Kelvin's teacher," but I still proceeded to explain that I might have called the wrong number. I finally figured out what had happened when she said that the phone was in Kelvin's jacket pocket and that she decided to answer when she saw "Home" as the calling number. I thanked her for picking it up because I was getting worried about the phone's whereabouts and then I asked her to turn it off.

I still don't know how/why/when Kelvin put the phone in his jacket pocket, but it was pretty funny to have his teacher pick up the phone.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~
As for school, I forgot to mention that his teacher who is pregnant (due in January) had to go on bed rest, so now there's a substitute teacher who comes three days a week (MWF) and on the other two days the younger kids are "schooled" in the same room with the older ones. It's one teacher for 12 kids and 8 grades, but she has lots of experience. Kelvin misses his old teacher, but he thinks it's fun to be in the "big kids' " room.

Today he woke up with an earache and didn't want to go to school. I'm taking him to the doctor (if I can get an appointment) later [we're going at 1 o'clock]. I had a bad night, coughing constantly... I should see a doctor too, but I think I'll eventually get better.

P.S. Yesterday's post has more updates on other fronts, if you haven't checked it out yet.

News & Notes (updated)

(I added a couple of items)
I'll take the bullet approach which was lately made popular by other bloggers out there.

• The day after loosing his job K found out that our "alma mater" (we don't say that in Brazil), the largest university in Brazil, has an opening for a position in his area. It's a concurso, that is, a competition for becoming a fully tenured professor. He's going to "apply" (it's more like registering to participate and see if he can "win"). Everyone in Brazil is excited about that, obviously, and we think it's an interesting option.
  

• I watched Sicko on the way to Brazil and I really liked it, it didn't make me feel really bad about the pharmaceutical industry as I thought it might, but it made a very strong point that the healthcare situation in this country is absolutely unacceptable.

• I loved the two day trip to Brazil and I was quite surprised by that. My husband thoroughly enjoys there short trips (he took four of them in October/November last year), but I thought I wouldn't like it and only feel overwhelmed that I wanted to stay longer, but that was not the case.

• Short trips are great for various reasons: two or three changes of clothes is all one needs and the hassles of packing/unpacking are eliminated; it's not enough time to miss the boys and home; it's enough for spending some time with friends and family and eating good food. The only downside is sleeping on the plane.
  

• I saw Hairspray on the way back and thought it was OK. Very interesting idea to deal with both racial and body-image issues, if extremely idealized and naive, up to a certain point. In the "real world" I think things are much much harder for overweight people, not to mention that it's nearly impossible for them to maintain such a "sunny disposition." Flat characters, I know, I shouldn't expect any psychological depth in a mere musical, but still..

• I'll write many posts about this, but I just wanted to say that it's been very hard to cope with the devastating news we received last week. Just looking around the house makes me sad, and I feel discouraged when I think about the future. It's just really really tough.

• It won't be easy to care for the boys on my own for ten days... The most ironic thing is that just because it'll be very hard to work, I feel like working on the dissertation right now (also because I'm reading a great novel by one of the authors I'm analyzing). More on that later as well. Good thing my sister-in-law is coming with my nephews on Friday and will stay until Sunday or Monday.

• The best news we had lately is that given the lengthy process he went through to get his current visa K can apply through the same law company for the "grass-colored" card (ok, residency sounds better) for us without the company as a sponsor. It'll cost a pretty penny (around 10K) for both of us, but it may be the solution to our visa woes. Too bad it won't "guarantee" work, but at least it frees us to look for work, right? DOWNSIDE: the concurso I mentioned in the first item might take place during the period while we're waiting for the documentation and K can't leave the country (or, if he left, wouldn't be able to come back). We're hoping it will be ready before then, though. (the examination will be scheduled between 30 to 120 days after the due-date for the applications -- which is January). Keep your fingers crossed for us.

• I'm still pretty sick and I have a correction to make about that. I probably have laryngitis and not pharyngitis since my voice is gone. I don't feel pain, but I cough a lot and there's stuff coming out. Not fun. I found out this weekend that one of the worse things that can happen to someone who loves to talk is losing one's voice. It's quite hard for a mother too -- how can you call your children or tell them to stop running to the street for example? I've been trying to whisper while talking to the boys (which is funny because they whisper back), but it's tiresome. I hope I get better soon.
  

International Tag-Team Parenting

Everything went well with my trip, including the drive up from D.C. I was getting really sleepy at the end of the car trip, but I talked on and off on the phone with K (hearing the boys squabbling over their breakfast and then games in the background). I got home and had lots of things to do right away since K is flying tonight to the U.K. (his trip wasn't canceled after all, perhaps it'll help him to network to find another job). I helped him pack and had to run to the office supply store for color printer cartridges so we could print his visa photos (yeah, we insist in taking and then printing our own document photos even though sometimes we have to go through a lot of trouble to do that... we're a very thrifty family :)

Of course I'm absolutely exhausted, but I haven't been able to take a nap all day, not even in the car on our way to the airport because I was coughing too much (I think the dry air in the flights hasn't help my throat and cough). There's a lot to tell, but I can't write too much today because I'm on my own with the boys. For ten days. I have to give them a bath and put them to bed right now and I hope that tomorrow I can write more about the trip and other things while Kelvin is in school.

Oh, last but not least, Linton didn't seem to be happy to see me, he didn't let me hug him. K thinks he was probably upset that I was away over the weekend. Then, he kept saying all day long that he wanted to go with daddy. They both fell asleep on our way to the airport, but later woke up in the parking garage and went to walk on the moving walkways pulling daddy's bags. We decided to say our goodbyes in the car because we knew Linton was going to make a scene. He cried for a bit and then kept saying all the way home "I want to go with daddy..." I feel sorry for him, but all I can do is reassure him that daddy is coming back soon and that mama will take care of him. OK, gotta go now. And I know I probably have tons of blog posts to catch up in my reading... I hope everyone had a good weekend. Mine was great! :)

24 Hours in Brazil

I'm going to stay a bit more than 24 hours here, but the first 24 were great so far.

The only downside is that I basically lost my voice since I'm recovering from a sore throat (probably a pharyngitis) and all I want to do here is talking to people.

I had a great lunch with my friends in spite of the fact that my IBS (self-diagnosed so far) or stomach problems were acting up and I couldn't eat much because I was really bloated. It was wonderful to spend time with my friends and their children two babies, 4 and 7 months, and four other kids 3, 4, 5, and 6 years of age. I was glad my two boys weren't there or I wouldn't really have enjoyed it as much. I was amazed at the patience of the people in the restaurant, both the servers, cooks, etc, and the other customers. The pizza folks even gave every child a piece of pizza dough for them to play with (the kids were walking all around the crowded restaurant). I think in Brazil people and places are much more kid-friendly than the ?U.S. and there were other people around us with kids. I couldn't imagine that we would have been able to have the same looong lunch at a place like The Olive Garden, for example (and there's no comparison between food in the Brazilian chain and the American one, that's for sure!).

Later we went to a huge bookstore where some of the kids played at the children's section while the parents talked (some friends had already left) and after I said goodbye to the friend who had picked me up at the airport, another friend drove me to the bus station where I took a bus to my parents' town. I was lucky because yesterday was a holiday in Brazil so most of my friends were able to come. I'm going to try and meet up with the friends who didn't make it this afternoon before my parents take me to the airport. Talking about my parents, they're still very shaken, but slowly recovering with the help from friends.

I have so many things to write about, but I'll have to tackle those tomorrow or this week when I get back home. I have to finish packing my suitcase now so we can drive to Sao Paulo.

Just a preview:
- Guess what movie I saw in the airplane? (hint -- this post)
- I found some books I mention in my dissertation at the bookstore -- books from Japan, I was thrilled!
- I was able to examine the Brazilian translation of The Dangerous Book for Boys and became absolutely crazy to translated the Girl one! How could I get to do it? I'll write all about the translation at some other time.

Well, I'll be back tomorrow after I get home, wish me a safe trip back. (I know you will -- I felt so comforted when I was driving to the airport on Thursday by the thought that several of you out there were thinking about me and my trip at that moment -- blogging is a wondrous thing!).

Got Safely to Brazil

I just wanted to let you know that I arrived safely here and I'm off to have lunch with some of our closest friends at my favorite restaurant. This is my first time in Brazil without the boys and it actually feels great :). Too bad it's only two days, but I guess that's enough for a 'mommy-vacation.'

I'll write more later tonight when I arrive at my parents' home, OK?