Lost & Found

Last week was a really intense week, no wonder things ended up getting lost. The one thing I lost and which cannot be easily replaced (for what I previously paid and can afford) is Linton's swim shirt or rash guard (with UV protection) which I'd found with much difficulty here and had bought using a coupon for 50% off. We last saw it at the park on Monday night when I helped him change into dry clothes. My mom bought a replacement today (here), but it's not as nice as the other one. We really need these shirts for our vacation in Brazil at the end of the year since we'll be spending lots of time in the water...

Here's the week in a nutshell: my sister-in-law and nephews had been visiting since the previous Friday and besides having to endure hanging out with four boys we went to a lake on Sunday (photo on right) and Sesame Place on Monday and Wednesday (Tuesday was needed as a break).

So I think that it was understandable that on Wednesday night, after a long day at the park with two young boys (3 and almost 5) plus their cousins and auntie (me), my sister-in-law didn't realize that she had left one of our bags (the bag was mine, but she was using it) behind in the parking lot when she drove off to pick us up (we got lost from them leaving the park again, the same as on Monday and only met them in the parking lot later). We only realized her mistake when we got home and began to unload the car. The worst part of it was not the little bit of cash we'd left in there or our driver's licenses (a big hassle, but replaceable), but the video camera and the camera with the photos (I'll share some of them later, the ones with Big Bird and Elmo are adorable ;-). We were really upset and could hardly sleep, so early the next morning SIL and I drove once more to the park, over an hour before its opening time (we just wished we'd managed to get there so early with four boys in the previous days!), to try to find it.On the way there I called security, which informed me that the bag had not been found! :-( We decided to go ask anyway and we proceeded to the customer service booth outside the entrance. The girl (it was really a young high school girl like every single person working at that park, save for some security guards) went and looked and said that the bag was not there. We then asked her to bring us the form for lost and found items (I'd already filled it on Wednesday reporting our lost shirt) and she left. We were there waiting and lamenting for the thousandth time the lost things and photos (my nephews' swim shirts would not be easily replaced either ;-) when we heard a voice behind us (to the side) saying: "Is it this one?"

We turned around and saw the girl who had opened a door to the side of the booths and there was our bag!! I was so happy I had to give her a hug while we thanked her. She said she'd looked at a different place. Phew! What a relief! We could hardly believe how lucky we were, given that we'd already given the bag up for lost and had lamented the oversight endlessly. We walked away giddily, taking photos, asking this girl to take a picture of us:What a relief! SIL even placed the bag in front of the park sign so we could record our great recovery:And now, to end the post "Elmo's World" style (imagine this in Elmo's annoying voice), I have a question for... you:

What have you lost and, perhaps, found (or not) that was a direct consequence of having so many things to worry about as a mother out and about with your kids?

Scratched & Bitten

I don't blog as much as I should about him because -- in the end -- I do blog very little about my "children" (and I do see him as my "child" and I'm weird in that I see my plants as my "babies" too :-). Perhaps I shouldn't even call myself a "mommy-blogger." I'm just a mother who happens to blog...

Anyway... longtime readers will know that I, ok, we have a cat and that I'm a big cat lover. I had to take Blues to get shots today (something that was, like, 3-4 years overdue, I'm ashamed to admit & I was breaking the law too, yikes) and something pretty unfortunate happened. I took him to a pet store because the reason why I hadn't gotten him vaccinated before was that we really couldn't/can't afford vet visits (he was a pampered guy in his first 3 years of life, going to the vet regularly and all, but then, again, he was my first "child" and we could afford it back then when we were both graduate student with only a tiny mortgage payment).

So, I went to the pet store and had to wait in line for over an hour. With various dogs and cats, but mainly dogs. Blues has never ever interacted with dogs, my friends, so he was very stressed out in his carrier. He hissed several times and began to get more worked up as we neared the vaccination table. So, no wonder he was absolutely freaked out when we tried to hold him to be vaccinated and then he scratched an bit me. The first time was ok, but the second was pretty serious. The veterinarian had me apply peroxide to the wounds, two of which promptly started to swell (two puncture wounds in my right arm where he bit). I got home and washed it well and applied an antibiotic spray. The problem is that now my arm is hurting quite a bit and it continues swollen. I went to a birthday party after the event and some people suggested that the bite probably hurt the muscle, which is swollen and achy. There 's no sign of infection (redness) and the wounds are fully closed. I'll call the doctor's office/nurse tomorrow just in case...

I don't even know why I'm blogging this... perhaps to commiserate a bit and get some sympathy because it's a normal human reaction to pain. The real problem looming in the background of my life right now is a bit too overwhelming and too hard and complicated to explain. Not fully unbloggable, but... well... almost so (the facts were, indeed, blogged here last week).

Last Friday the boys and I went to orientation at their new cyberschool and we enjoyed it. I'm starting a new blog about this, but I haven't posted much there (see my profile for link). Class starts tomorrow at Kelvin's old school, but cyberschool doesn't start until the 8th. As soon as the books come in we'll begin some work, though. I can't wait!

I guess that in the end I'm writing about this literal scratching and biting because I feel scratched and bitten inside too. And I hope all these wounds heal soon.

Edited to Add: I went to the doctor, got a tetanus shot and will have to take antibiotics for ten days. I'm going to take lots of yogurt and acidophilus supplement alongside that (because antibiotics also kills the good bacteria in the body)!

"We'll get you fixed up"

That's what the navy blue clad (male) nurse said to my dad and several other patients at the emergency room examining beds this afternoon. I had to take my dad to the ER because he had a terrible rash that was spreading around his neck, legs, arms, and even his scalp and, today, his foot!

We suspect it was poison ivy or oak because precisely one week ago he spent a few hours weeding a flower bed at our church (it looked terrible and since I was cleaning the church that week -- my only source of income lately, and only once a month :-( I asked him to help) and the rash started (small and not as itchy) on Sunday. I feel bad because I asked him to weed, but there was no way of knowing these 2 things: (1) that there was some poison plant there and (2) that he was allergic to it. I helped and the boys did too and none of us got rashes. I had no idea that only some people were allergic to poison ivy! I thought anyone would have a reaction, is that really so? (that's what the ER doctor told me).

In any case, I wanted to take my dad to a family doctor (or even to a dermatologist -- that's what one would do in Brazil, go straight to the specialist, no problem -- it's not like that here, but more on this in future posts) and not to the E.R. but none of the providers that I called would accepted his travel health insurance! I called the claims department at the health insurance and the lady said that the providers should be able to take it and that probably hospitals would. I only decided that this was the only way after one doctor's office receptionist told me to go to the E.R. and that they would accept the insurance. I called the hospital and the E.R. and, sure enough, they said they'd take it. Phew! I guess small practices cannot afford to deal with certain insurance companies...

I didn't want to go to the E.R. because I've heard horror stories of endless waiting, etc, although my two experiences were back in 2003 with one year old Kelvin (who was wheezing) and they weren't bad. This latest "adventure" was truly excellent! We were only there for around two hours and they were very nice and helpful. Better yet, they took his insurance information and didn't ask anything! I can't write more because I need to go get my dad his prescription medications right now (I think he'll have to pay for those in full :-( ).

Now, if only this country's healthcare system could get fixed up too!

Nightmare Mostly Over

For several days I lived through a thick, agonizing "nightmare" of a situation, but now it's mostly over and I can begin to breathe again.

I'm not going over the details because there are too many clearly unbloggable issues, but I almost had to give up my cherished (if also feared) plan of home/cyber schooling the boys this year because people wanted my husband to chair the school board. This would require that our sons go back to school there. I could not accept that, though... it was a sacrifice I wasn't willing to make. At all. K tried a compromise (having me volunteer several days a week so it wouldn't be too different from last year), but that suggestion was not accepted, so I our previous decision still stands.

I don't feel fully relieved yet, but hopefully things will get better -- not just for us, but for everyone -- after the intense, confusing past month. So, I won't be working at the margins again, I'll be at the center of my sons' lives, and hopefully, we'll have a great school year at home and not at school.

Time to Post Again...

I'm sorry if I've abandoned my blog for a little while. If you'd been wondering if there was something going on, well, there was/is. Don't worry, it has nothing to do with our family, we're all well, enjoying the grandparents' visit, trying to survive the super humid hot days and all. We still worry about my uncle who is very weak, but there's nothing we can do about his situation but pray...

So, there's been quite a bit of turmoil lately involving church. And since church is such a big part of our lives we end up getting very wrapped up in all of that unwelcome turmoil. I don't usually blog these things, but this time I'll just mention it quickly. In a nutshell, our young (and inexperienced) pastor just got laid off after short 16 months on the job. We were shell-shocked and outraged, especially because of the politics and the people who were against him and behind the end of his employment. It's complicated, so that's all I'm going to say about that...

He and his wife are good friends of ours and our kids love(d) to play with their kids (a boy and girl, ages 6 and almost 5 -- like Linton). Anyhow, last weekend we had a farewell party for them at our house and that was a lot of work but also very nice. They go back to Canada in two days (he grew up here in the States, but his wife is from Québec)... And there's a lot more that I'm not going to blog because it probably does not interest you in the least and it's also a bit too personal... issues that get complicated because I'm a grandaughter and daughter (oh, and daughter & sister-in-law) of pastors and church organization and politics issues are just tiring and BLAH for me...

So, I'm finally posting to see if I can get back into the swing of things here in blogland. It's so interesting to me how comfortable I feel writing and sharing here instead of doing so at facebook! There I just kind of hide a bit. I comment on friends' posts, but hardly ever write on my own wall. I feel super exposed there... just too many people in my contact list from all "sides" of my life. So, yeah... that's some of what's been going on in our lives.

Next week we'll be busy with the kids. My SIL is coming from Maryland and on Monday and Tuesday (or Wed. if there's a rain day) we're going to Sesame Place with the boys. The first and (thankfully) last time because my boys don't even care for Sesame Street that much anymore! Well, just enough to get them excited about the park. The younger cousins (almost 5 and 3) will probably enjoy more. It'll be fun, but super exhausting for the two mamas, I'm sure. But WAAY better than taking them by myself anywhere.

The mama thing that I dread the most (and which I've done countless times in the past 7 years) is taking them to playgrounds by myself. Is there anything more B.O.R.I.N.G in a mother's life? I doubt it. Two weeks ago when we were in MD, the one time we went to the playground (SIL and I) was so productive! We talked about a zillion things, planned our trip to Brazil, got K to buy his plane ticket (to go with BIL's family), etc.

Mothers of the world, unite! (hahaha) Yeah, that's why I blog. To overcome the loneliness and the boredom that come with motherhood.

Dear internet, will you promise you'll help me not to lose my mind in this upcoming cyber-schooling year? I'm truly afraid of losing my mind. Perhaps I should start a new blog "My year of cyber schooling"-- blah, what a boring title! But, really, maybe I should. That would keep that theme from taking over this blog (as if ANY single theme can take up this blog -- our lives are just too lively and crazy for that? Or at least have been up to now).

OK, gotta go. Thanks for listening. The two of you who are still out there checking my pathetic blog out ;-).
(27 minutes, that's how long it took to write the post, and why it's not so well written)

Sometimes Being a Mother Makes Things So Much Harder...

I was really moved by this today:


Edited to add: In my browser (Mozilla Firefox) I get the right video, but perhaps you don't so if you don't get the story of the return of the two American journalists from North Korea, here's the direct link, I hope that works. Thanks, Anjali!

I'm so glad that they're back home! I cannot imagine the pain of being kept forcefully away from one's family, and especially one's young child, for five long months! I cried along Euna Lee as she was reunited with her daughter.

My greatest nightmare in life is the unthinkable idea that I might be taken away from my sons and that they'd have to grow up without me. I cannot think too much about this because I just get overcome with despair and fear.

The day that we drove home from the hospital with our first born was a magical day, but it was also a surprisingly scary one. I never imagined how scary the world would feel like after I had this fragile, precious human being to care for. Yes, becoming a parent does change everything, doesn't it?

Blogging for Bliss

This post is a shout out to my friend Zee whose beautiful blog Pixie Blossoms is featured in a lovely brand new book by Tara Frey, Blogging for Bliss. Congratulations, Zee, it's great to see you included in the book, and thanks for mentioning me in your post. I'm glad that I was able to meet you through blogging and I hope that someday we get to meet in person so our sons (who are exactly the same ages!!) can play together while we talk to our heart's content.

Oh, and last but not least, Zee has gorgeous things for sale in her Etsy shop! I'm the happy owner of a tote bag and will purchase more in the future! ;-)

Brazil, Here We Go!

We finally bought our tickets to go to Brazil in December. YAY!! I can't wait...

Because two of the tickets are award travel, the boys and I will "have" to stay 40 days there so I could get a slightly cheaper airfare (still very expensive) -- I'm not complaining at all! K is worried about the cyber schooling, but I think we'll be fine. We'll just have to take all the books with us :-( and make sure we log in every single day and do the work.

The best part is that K is joining us for 20 days (he's traveling with his brother's family, through Mexico -- a great deal)! There'll be a wedding in January (K's oldest cousin on his mother's side), and, before that, several days at two different hot water parks with brother-n-law, SIL & nephews (1st park) and K's family and extended family (2nd park/resort)!! I just hope it's not too hot (it'll be summer) to enjoy the hot water springs...

I don't know yet where we'll be at Xmas, probably in Paraná with my mom's extended family. Oooh, I love to plan trips. But I DREAD having to pack and the crazy busyness of the days right before the trip. I feel sick just thinking about it... Maybe I can plan ahead this time (I know I'll always leave things for the last minute, though, it's hopeless... :-( ). I shouldn't let my aprehension about the packing and getting ready to travel dampen my enthusiasm, right?

Going to warm and sunny Brazil in the middle of winter?
Priceless!!

Summing up the Summer

These flowers kind of sum up my summer -- they're beautiful, but they don't last long enough :-). The heat wave from last week subsided a bit and the deliciously cooler nights are already making me sad and frantic -- I don't want the summer to end!!

In any case, the title doesn't much anything to do with what I intend to write here. I just want write two things:

1) Say thank you to Articulate Dad and Aliki for writing incisive comments on my previous post. I needed to hear that, my friends, I have to stop whining and start showing the real satisfaction that I derive from my choices (haven't I said over and over again how much I love spending time with my boys?). And I have to remind myself that I don't have to "use" the PhD for anything, that I learned so much already, that I remain passionate for the things I learned and that, perhaps, in due time, I'll be able to find a way to share those things and that passion with the world.

2) I LOVE the new feed blog list. It saves me a lot of time and it's quite efficient because I don't go clicking aimlessly at blogs anymore just to find the same old posts there. I can quickly read new posts and comment (if I want to). I should have done that a long time ago!

I thought I had a third thing, but I forgot! So I'll come back later for it, OK?

I Finally Gave In...

... And added a blogroll with a feed reader so I don't have to waste time clicking around the links in my old blogroll.

Hopefully this new development won't make me spend even more time reading blogs! :-)

We're back home after spending 3 days in Maryland. My uncle is recovering, but not doing too well -- his heart rate varies wildly and he needs a pacemaker ASAP (doctors say that they will insert one within a month) -- so he remains in the ICU. :-( Keep those prayers coming, please!

After taking almost a month to watch the Persepolis DVD (I liked the books better than the movie, as usual ;-) I decided to use the instant playback feature of Netflix and see another film, this time La Vie En Rose, about Edith Piaf's life. Too bad my BIL's wireless router is misbehaving and I watched the film in like 5 or 6 installments, 2 last night, 4 this morning. In the end, I kinda liked watching a film fragmentarily like that! This was a sad & beautiful film and Marillon Cotillard definitely earned her Academy Award. I hope K & I find a way to watch the AA winner from this year, which we've had from Netflix for about two weeks :-(.

OK, boring old post, boring old blog. I continue on, just because of myself 'cause this is a useless blog, it's a bit lesse useless than the PhD, that's all. I still have a handful of readers, but other than that, it's not taking me anywhere (I mean, no ad money, just a couple hundred bucks, no illusions of being a writer, much less an academic). Not that I'm making REAL effort for any of these things to happen, right?

Sorry, I'm not going through a good phase right now at all. I need to find more things to make me feel useful and valued -- other than being a good mama & wife (No, I'm NOT a good "housewife/homemaker," in case you're wondering, that much I alreay know). This is not going to happen any time soon, though... right now I need to continue the mama thing because I believe that it's best for my sons. It's tiring, tough, and crushing at times. That's why I cannot quit blogging, it is my lifeline. And that's why I blog so little about my sons here, they're already too central in my life and I need to focus on me a little bit too (or a lot, I guess ;-).

All rightie, that's enough for now.

Front Door Laptop Blogging: Cyber School & First Best Friend*

It's a very rare thing when I get to use a laptop on my lap and in odd places (like in bed, or outside) like it's supposed to used. At our house I usually prefer the desktop and when I use the laptop, it is always on our second desk.

I think I've blogged once from the backyard of our former house and once in our bedroom at the current house, but I think that was it. It's never too late to increase my "repertoire" of blogging in unusual (for me) places, right? So I'm taking the advantage of the fact that have to supervise my sons and their older cousin bike riding and I brought the laptop outside. I can feel a few stray raindrops, though :-( and they don't have a front porch, only a tiny stoop (it's a townhome). Oh well, I'll try to be quick, since it's not really raining, just sporadically "sprinkling"...

OK, we're here in Maryland at my brother-in-law's house. K stayed at home and will be able to put in long hours at the lab -- good for him and, hopefully, for us, because we want to try to go somewhere for a few days without the kids in the next 2 months. I drove with my parents yesterday evening so they can spend time visiting and caring for my uncle, who recently had brain surgery for the removal of a tumor. I left my parents at my (empty) aunt & uncle's house and came to BIL's house where my sons will be able to enjoy the last two days of VBS at uncle's church. Their very first one -- discounting ones I co-directed in MA when Kelvin was 5 months old and then 17 months old. Yeah... the churches I've attended in the past 5 years didn't have them, the boys were two young, and I was too lazy to take them VBS hopping in other neighborhood churches in spite of the fact that I really enjoy VBS & I've love co-directing them in the past.

So, yeah... boring update blogging, but still, blogging. I want to try and update the Project 365 blog. I did post a couple of photos yesterday (dated from my birthday).

Oh, another important update: we finally picked the cyber school our sons will be "attending." I hope it's a good choice, but I have a feeling it will be. That's how it went: on Monday we went to a friend's birthday party* and while talking to one of the moms there I found out that she had just enrolled her children at a cyber school and she had done two years of home/cyber schooling in the past, but with another school (which she didn't like that much). So, she explained to me why she chose this particular one and I thought it was a good choice.

When I got home I read their whole website and talked to K who also liked the school. Yesterday before leaving for MD I printed out and signed the forms that I needed to sign, found Kelvin's latest report card, and picked up their immunization records from the pediatrician's office. That's why we only left at 5 pm and missed VBS (6-8) :-(. Poor K had to fill out all 20+ pages of forms for EACH BOY and he mailed the forms this morning. So, hopefully that will be all set. And so far, I'm no longer actively looking for work although we would really need the income. Sigh. This is what I really, really want, though, to stay home with my sons. And since working from home for evil for-profit "educational" institution named after bird that came up from the ashes was a living hell and didn't work out, I really don't know what other pursuits to tackle from home. We have several ideas for websites, let's see if we can implement any of them. So, wish us luck! I'll let you know if we start anything.

ETA: Oh, and in the end it never started raining and I'm still out here while the three cousins (7, 5, 4 [2 months to 5]) ride their bikes (without training wheels).

*The brother of Kelvin's very first and very recent "best friend" -- this is a brand new thing for him since this boy had two other best friends for each of the past two years and Kelvin never had had a best friend, he was always friends with everyone. I don't know if I like the gossipy feel of "oh, you're no longer my best friend and now you are," but the former best friend seems ok (I still want to talk to him -- all these boys were my students last year), but it's funny to see Kelvin and C, looks like they just started dating or something, it's cute. Being a girl, I don't know much about how this "best friends" thing works for boys, and I ask the more experienced friends out there -- how does it go? Are there any books I should read on the subject?

Blog Description

On a whim, I changed my super-prolix blog description and made it even longer... I'm feeling chatty today, like, hmmm, always! ;-)

Before:
A mother (mamãe) of two boys (born in March 2002 and May 2004) between two languages (Portuguese and English), two countries (Brazil and the U.S.), two "worlds" (academic/ home-front). After being a doctoral student for 10 years she is now trying to figure out what to do next with her life now that she has a Ph.D.

I'm changing it to:
A prolix and opinionated mother (mamãe in Portuguese, hence the [e]) of two boys (born in March 02 and May 04) between two languages (Portuguese and English), two countries (Brazil and the U.S.), two "worlds" (academic/ home-front). After being a doctoral student for 10 years she is now trying to figure out what to do next with her life now that she has a (so far useless) PhD. It's easier to stay home with the boys and blog than looking for an nonexistent academic position in her area!

I don't know if I like it, I may change it again soon!

Academia is an Exercise in Sameness

I was in Harvard at a conference when I said this to someone for the first time. Inside the famous, beautiful Memorial Hall, where we had been offered a free lunch in this imposing room the day before:Actually, we were having a conversation right under this window:
Of course what I am saying is nothing new to any academic. You're supposed to build upon the work(s) of people who came before you, you have to think and research about the same things before you can move on to new discoveries, and create new information. However, I think that academia, with all its rituals, all its elaborate peer reviewed journals, big conferences with myriads of panels has taken this "sameness" to a whole other level. It has perfected "sameness" and made it a way of life. Particularly in the humanities, but perhaps in other areas too.

In literature, for example, people can be analyzing many different authors, but the way they do it -- which necessarily follows whatever theories and theorists are fashionable at the moment -- is basically the same! And if you dare to be different, if your area is not what's en vogue, you cannot ever belong or get a job!! If you dare not to worship all those theorists that people think are like demi-gods or something, you're doomed.

If you don't absorb all the more famous or previously relevant researchers/theorists/studies in your subject area, digest them, and them spit them back out in a slightly different and highly condensed form and then, only then, try to present your own voice and demonstrate as well ad you can how you, poor insignificant you and your ideas fit in or contribute, and then, hopefully you'll get these people to read your work and respond (all in writing, in dry academic prose) -- they you will amount to nothing. And if you do all the above mentioned things like I tried to do in my dissertation, but the relevant/famous people don't know about your work or don't care aobut it, then... you will be worse than nothing.

Yeah, that's what the academy does to you. It's your reward for years of trying to fit in.

And the rare academic who does something different, like the guy I found out two weeks before I defended my dissertation, if they're recognized (after years and years of work), they say they're lucky (his words to me in a very kind email). Yeah, very very lucky, because his work, for example, is described as nothing sort of "heretical." I do/did something similar to what he does, but it's not something defended/advocated by any theorist and I can't just move to California, knock on Moretti's door and ask to work for him as a postdoc or something. This doesn't exist in the humanities.

What about academic conferences? I've written about them at length here, but, for the sake of this argument, all I have to say is that these conferences are the epitome of the "exercise in sameness" mentality. Ideally, you should go to conferences to learn new things and interact with people with different points of view, but all people do is present at panels with like-minded people and if there is something too unusually different there, it's just politely ignored (like my presentation at the conference in Rio, right after the woman who's the president of my discipline's association in this country and who works here). At the MLA, hundreds of panels have only a handful of people attending, it's depressing! And I understand that there's not enough time for people to get distracted with other areas that not their own, but aren't real scholars supposed to be working in several different areas? My interests, OTOH are just so multi-faceted that I have a hard time to arrange a schedule to go see all the presentations I want to see in conferences.

I guess it's not as bad when one analyzes publishing in peer reviewed journals, but who reads these things anyhow? Going to conferences, publishing become simply obligations to be able to fulfill tenure requirements and not really to "advance knowledge" in any significant way. These exercises in sameness bear little relevance to real life and therefore we academics become the butt of jokes and at all the idealistic "forces for the good" or for the advancement of society and humankind that we may aspire to be.

I know, it's pathetic, ridiculous even, but those who want to belong and who are, perchance given entrance into the select and ever more rarefied "club" of tenure track professors, go on playing by the same rules. And the rest of us just have to give up, I guess.

I think I'm not presenting any more compelling arguments here and I'm just getting bitter and personal, which doesn't help at all. It's just that I want to be able to say something, anything, because I don't agree with the "establishment" (hahaha) and I don't think I will ever fit in, not that I want it, given that I disagree so strongly with certain things that academia holds so dear.

And this, in the end, doesn't matter, because -- to use their own beloved jargon! -- I'm talking from the margins, I am, in a sense the other and, as the other, I can only be the subject of study, never in the center myself. Yeah... I don't want to be wrapped up in sameness, I want to be different! Vive la différence!, or, should it be différance? :-D

Facebook is distracting me from blogging...

... and I don't like this too much because I like blogging so much better!

Facebook is ok and stuff, but I don't feel comfortable sharing too much there just because I feel exposed to so many people, from family members to grad school colleagues, former dissertation director, personal friends and blogosphere friends. It's a mess, really! Isn't it weird that I would feel more comfortable writing in my non or semi-anonymous blog than there?

I actually feel bad that most of my blogging friends are there, but I don't even reveal the existence of this blog in my fb account. I guess it's the last thread, the last few hopes of ever getting a job in academia (BLAH -- I really did give up, but I'm still holding back). I have so much to say about that, and also about blogging in general... and I guess I'm just holding back writing here too.

I feel like this blog is a failure because I never tried hard enough to make myself known. I don't fit in well anywhere (and I've talked about that before) -- I'm not really an academic mama blogger anymore -- just a mother with a stupid, useless, hard-earned but meaningless-to-anyone-but-me PhD (and, no, I'm not crossing out the stupid and useless -- I thought I would, but I'm not).

OK, I'll go write another post right now to say what I really really think about academia. I think I'm on a roll here. I might blog all night long (nah... probably I wont). And just to finish the previous paragraph a bit... I could have tried harder to make myself known, commenting consistently at Laura (11D) or Bitch PhD's places... etc. Or, I don't know, whatever... but in the end I read the people that I enjoy reading, and that's about it. And I feel frustrated that I wish I could be a best known blogger but I'm not. whatever... and the expatriate part of my life doesn't interest anyone but me, I guess... that doesn't seem to be/have a particularly strong blogging community anyway.

So, yeah... going back to the subject of this post before I close, facebook is not helping much, but since everyone is hanging out over there (and now I'm friends with even more blogging peeps -- thanks!), I can't help it but do it. And plus, it's the best place to see gorgeous photos of my nephew!! Yay!

Gotta go rant about academia now before I run out of steam.

There Goes His Birthday Money!

Well, good thing that there was some money left to begin with, right? In fact, I don't know if I should be glad that it took seven years for our sons to be finally acting in a way that caused property damages of a significant cost or upset that it's probably just the beginning (I've been thinking lately how in the world one can let a 16 year old drive one's car!).

That's how our desktop LCD monitor looks like after my angry youngest son threw a battery at
his brotherit:

Close-ups of the "broken" part (in white & black - click to enlarge):












In sum, the desktop is useless until we can buy a new monitor. :-(

The funny thing was that the day after this happened, my five-year old was "bragging" about it in church, telling people that he'd lost all his birthday money because he'd broken the monitor... It didn't sound like he was sorry about it at all. Sigh. I hope this event can help to get him to learn not to throw things at people (or against other things) when he's angry. Should I start reading about anger management for children? My only hope right now is that nothing else gets broken at our house!

41 Years Ago Today...

... My parents got married. Lucky for us their children * it has always been and still is a very loving relationship and I could not be more thankful and delighted about this!! Congratulations mami & papi, I love you so much!!

The photo below is the only one I have (my mom needs to scan more :-). It features my dad's family and brings me some bittersweet thoughts -- some breathtakingly sad mixed with happy ones. The one in the far left is my dad's oldest brother, the one who preached at the wedding, because he was already a pastor. This uncle's wife (portrayed next to him) left him only a few years later. Next to her is my aunt's husband Joao, who died nine years later in a freak car accident (I intend to tell this story someday -- this aunt was always the closest to us since she's always been good friends with my mom and my brother and I grew up as siblings with her daughter and son). Next to my mom is my uncle who is currently awaiting surgery from a newly found brain tumor in Washington D.C. (I mentioned this uncle at the end of the previous post, but I didn't know about the tumor then. Please pray for him and his wife if you can!).

Unfortunately, we are mostly estranged from the two remaining aunts in the back and my uncle, the one in between them, lives by himself in the small town where they all grew up (in the one house that remained after they sold my grandpa's properties after his death back in the late 70s) and is painfully schizophrenic. My dad visits him yearly, bringing clothes, checking on the house and what my uncle's been up to. So sad.

The little girl to the left of my grandpa is my dear aunt Ber who lives in Nashville and whom I try to see every year and visit at least every two years. I love her dearly I am so glad that we can still be close and interact whenever we can. Grandpa died back in 1978 and if you're a regular reader you'll know that my grandma died back in December.

My dad's family is complicated, but they are beautiful blue-eyed German-Polish Brazilian folks and I love them all, whether we're in touch or not. I'm glad that this anniversary and the photo I have made me think about daddy's family. And it's good to be spending time with family here in Montreal!

* The link is to the recent Time magazine cover essay by Caitlin Flanagan about marriage that I thought was interesting.

O Canada!

We arrived in Montreal at 2 am last night (I guess that technically I should I say this morning...) to visit K's youngest brother, "K4" and his wife M. They immigrated to Canada in the Spring, marking the last step in the family's internationalization. Regarding this topic, coincidentally, "K3" and his family arrived in Brazil today -- my SIL coming from TX with my youngest nephew [who just turned one on my birthday!] and K3 from flying from Turkey with their possessions. They're going to teach at one of the American Schools in São Paulo for at least two years. So, until my father- and mother-in-law move back to Brazil next year they will be the only members of K's immediate family in Brazil! My brother and his wife remain in New Zealand and K's uncle who was in South Africa is moving to Mozambique... it's interesting to have family members all over the globe.

This is my fourth visit to Canada and I'm enjoying visiting another country that's not Brazil, for a change (my last visit here was back in 2002 when Kelvin was 4 months old)! We haven't left the apartment yet -- K just went downstairs with K4 so the boys could ride their bikes in the neighborhood (they live in this calm location) while I cooked lunch and now we're resting a bit, napping, playing with the ipod, watching TV and blogging.

I have been very busy gardening (after going to Maryland to visit K2's family and celebrate my second nephew's 3rd birthday last weekend) and I also went to the doctor (that has been taken care of). The neverending gardening was one of the reasons why we were so late leaving home yesterday... I'll share some photos soon, ok? My apologies for the boring updating post... I think I'm too tired to write a coherent post right now. Oh yeah... and I'm glad that we have wireless internet here because I'm feeling pretty strange not being able to use my cell phone...

Oh, I almost forgot, I wanted/needed my phone so I could check on my uncle's health (my dad's brother who lives in the D.C. area). He fell on his driveway on Monday and broke an arm as well as bruised his face badly. They suspect he may have had a mini-stroke because he cannot remember what happened leading to his fall. I was shocked at the news because we'd just been with him and my aunt last Saturday when we went to MD. Please pray for him and/or keep him in your thoughts because he's in pain and in quite depressed. Good thing my parents will be here in a little over a week -- my dad will be able to go stay with him for a while...

So that's it for now...

A Fresh Start , Last Day to Enter Carefree Fresh Start Fund Contest! & Carefree Ultra Protection Blog Tour

Hi there! This is a Mom Central Review feature (others here), first, though, I need to let you know that today is the last day to enter an exciting contest, the Carefree Fresh Start Fund, which is giving women a chance to win $10,000, $5,000, and $3,000 for a “fresh start.” All you have to do is register here and write about why you’d like to have a “fresh start” or a time in your life you did something to start fresh.

It's easy for me to think about this subject since we're just starting fresh after putting the house on the market and planning to move and then finding out that now we can stay here and enjoy this home for a while longer. I want a fresh start, I plan to take better care of the house and the garden and value more what we have. I think I learned a lot from the exhausting process of staging the house for showings and maintaining it in good shape for over two months. So, I guess I want to have a fresh start in keeping the house more organized and pretty from now on.

I also received a sample of the new Carefree Ultra Protection (through Mom Central) to try out and review here in the blog. I guess I'm a good candidate to try out and evaluate this product for two main reasons: 1) I used to wear another brand of pantiliners; 2) Although I don't wear them on a daily basis I was looking for a good pantiliner to wear during the extremely light periods (more like spotting) I have with this contraceptive. I didn't post earlier because I was actually waiting for one of my light periods ;-) and it came this week.

I really liked the Carefree Ultra Protection pantiliner, particularly because it is very thin and soft -- you can hardly feel it. The addition of "wings" makes it more protective and although I didn't have a chance to try its absorbency (I mostly "spot"), it looks like it can be trusted (the product website claims that it absorbs ten times as much as a regular pantiliner). I think there's a good chance that I'll be using this product again in the future. You can try it out as well by requesting a free sample at the product's website. And don't forget to go here and submit your perspective on a fresh start and have a chance to win some cash, as well as a trip to NYC!

On NOT Opening a Window

So, I'm calling the insurance and the doctor to get my current contraceptive removed and replaced so we can avoid having babies for the next five years. Sigh.

I'm getting it done in spite of the fact that yesterday, on my birthday, I was "deliriously" thinking that this was my last window of opportunity (again! I know! And just two weeks ago I said I was almost "recovered" from this!) -- the chance of removing the contraceptive and having another baby even before my 39th birthday, but I will act rationally and not do it, for reasons I have exhaustively discussed here and elsewhere.

So, yeah... as soon as the phone rings from the doctor's office, the appointment will be made and this will be it. The beginning of the end of my reproductive years. I should be relieved because babies ARE too much work, but no... I just feel nostalgic.

I should follow my own advice and go read the journals from after Kelvin and Linton's birth, right? Or go visit my friend with the newborn (no... that might steer me in the opposite direction! ;-).

40 Minus 2

That's how old I am now...

I had a lovely day and I really really enjoyed the countless "scraps" that I received in orkut (site similar to facebook and popular among Brazilians) and wall messages in facebook. Thanks, everyone, you made my day!

We had friends visiting from Brazil and we went out to eat Japanese food at this great sushi buffet restaurant. Then we came back home and while our kids played, we sat on chairs in the front lawn, under the shade of our big hickory nut tree, talked and sipped lemonade. Our friends left around 6 pm and then I received several more phone calls and emails... so nice! There will be no big party this year, but all I really want is to enjoy this house with family and friends, and that already happened!

As the tradition goes (I couldn't find the one for last year!), here's a recent photo of myself (from 2 weeks ago), this time with the boys. We took some photos today, including one of my colorful plate at the sushi place, but I haven't uploaded those yet. thanks for being part of my life!