I keep a dissertation journal to help me work through the issues I have from time to time. Perhaps that's why I don't write much about the dissertation in the blog (even though sometimes I don't write in the journal very often either).
I know not many academic folks read this blog (or not many people at all, I should add), but I wanted to share my latest dissertation journal entry here. There's a bit of "screaming" in this post, and I apologize for that, but I really feel down right now with this whole dissertation thing. I know it's partly the fact that I can't ever take feedback well, but it's deeper than that, you'll see.
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It’s sad to write this entry since the very last thing I wrote in this journal a week ago is a big problem for me today: “I don’t want to write what anyone wants to hear, I want to write what I want!!!!!”
Problem is… they’re probably right. I just received a review of chapter 2 yesterday by email from the Brazilian Professor and she emphasizes again that I should be using my own words, making the work of others work FOR ME and not the other way around (not my work be shaped by other people’s work)…
BIG PROBLEM… it’s funny that education or academic life goes like this – you spend years and years learning to absorb other people’s thoughts which make it harder and harder for one to think by oneself and then when you’re in graduate school all of a sudden you need to be original, to have your own ideas and criticize everyone else’s!!!! I have a hard time with that! Especially because I HATE THEORY! I hate having to talk about ideas, I like FACTS. I guess I am in a completely wrong line of work though, academic life is probably NOT for me, and I’m SERIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But I have to finish this stuff no matter what. And the most tragic thing is that when I’m done I’m afraid that I just won’t enjoy it too much anymore. I will have been stretched and strained to such a degree that I won’t want to continue, I fear. Especially if I don’t get an academic job, which I think I won’t (I assure you I’ll be a happy stay at home mom, my oldest son looks like someone who would actually enjoy home schooling – we were talking about that the other day).
What’s the use of being an expert in something? What’s the use of having a stupid Ph.D. in something only a few thousand people among the billions of people on earth are interested in? What’s the USE??? These questions are anguishing questions and I’m positive the answers people may offer won’t satisfy me. Sure, I do have a thirst to know and to learn, I love books, I love working with the data part in the dissertation, but ultimately, will this research do any good? Will it ever be read by anyone else but my committee and a handful of specialists? Even if it does get published in a book, who reads academic books anyway? A few thousand people at most?
What’s the USE? Why spend so much time and energy in something? WHY?
What’s the use of knowing or making a Herculean effort to learn this "second language" that is academic writing? I am NOT fluent in it, I should add, it’s with great effort that I can make myself sound a little bit like other academics, though it’s slowly growing on me and probably “mangling” my writing skills forever. (This is probably not that bad, I guess :-)
I hope I feel better soon, but right now I’m utterly overwhelmed by the thought of rewriting my 65 page chapter and having been urged to “write in my own words” to avoid citing too much, to “use other people’s work for my benefit” and stuff. I just wish I had never started this, but now I have to finish.
Why has everything in my life to be like that? Is it entirely my fault? It was the same thing with my piano conservatory “degree” (it’s the equivalent of a high school diploma in piano and music). I only finished because I had to, because my mom urged me to keep going. It was OK to finish, but what’s the use to have gone for so long if I can’t really play well, if I don’t have the talent? I’m sure I have much more talent for academic life than for piano, there’s no doubt whatsoever about that, but I HATE, I LOATHE the fact that if I want to succeed I need to write a certain way, I need to fit in, which for me feels almost like “sucking up” to people. I don’t like it, I resist it, and when things don’t “come naturally” to me, I just don’t like to do it.
Perhaps I'm just too stubborn, but the fact is, I value who I am and what little abilities I do have and if they're not enough in academia well, then I don't want to be an academic!! (This sounds very childish and immature, but it is what I truly feel, at the "height" of my almost 35 years – perhaps life will teach me otherwise, since I'm comparatively young).
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Well, this “storm” probably will pass, but I still think those “why” and “what’s the use” questions will remain, as well as my stupid stubbornness and pride if that's what my problem consists of. I should have read Invisible Adjunct well before I was an ABD, not just after I had become one. Of course the year during which she blogged was exactly the one that led to my full-fledged ABD status, and I only discovered her after she had already stopped blogging. I wonder how her life is now.
Updated to respond to ABD Mom's great comment to this post.
I guess I can say that up to a certain point I am venting here. Of course I do want to finish and I will -- I am too far down this path to turn back right now and I'm not that childish or immature to do such an impulsive thing. I do feel, however, truly frustrated by many aspects of academic life. I definitely see it as a kind of "private club" that it's very hard to get in. My husband tied with the first place guy in Brazil, but that person already worked at that university (this happens pretty often in Brazil - they need to open a public and supposedly fair competition for a position, but there's someone already waiting to get the job) - I know it's not like that here in this country, but it's still so absurdly competitive!! (the first job my husband applied to had 250 applicants, and the last one, in the school I almost got an interview, there were 150 - for a crappy teaching job with no research and he's in the sciences!!!). I could be wrong, but I have a feeling that I won't get a job...
Sure, I'm doing this Ph.D. for myself, I've always liked to study, etc... even though I had to change my dissertation subject for this one which I'm very interested in but was not my first choice, because if I didn't switch advisors I knew I'd never finish. My school's not that great, you know, the profs are overworked and have to advise tons of students...
The two articles from by Thomas H. Benton in the the Chronicle and that Invisible Adjunct linked to that I read in July 2004 just left me quite discouraged and the strong feelings I had when I read them have never left me - only the really, really bright people should go on to the Ph.D. and I probably am not one of those! If I were I probably wouldn't have such a hard time finding a voice and critiquing famous theorists and using other people's ideas to further my own point!! And if I'm not one of them I can only get a job as another "invisible adjunct." What's the use of a Ph.D. in this case? I really wish other big shot academic bloggers could add their 2 cents to this discussion.
Lilian, I am probably not the right person to give advice here, as I decided against an academic career because of all those reasons that you write about. It all sounds eerily familiar to me ...
ReplyDeleteLook, whatever they say.... You have to find your passion, and stick to it. I do get the impression from previous posts (and also from your dissertation excerpts) that deep down you really do love what you are doing. This is the source of your strength that'll keep you going & that you should keep returning too in moments like this!
Lilian, when I turned in a draft of a chapter(really half a chpater) to The Advisor last week,I got the same feedback: too much lit review. Too much reliance on what others say. She said over and over to me when we met, "You have to work the scholarship, not the other way around. It shouldn't dictate what you say in this chapter. What you have to say should dictate the scholarship that you use."
ReplyDeleteI tell you this so you understand that this is a normal criticism of diss writers. For so long we've been grad students who have been expected to show that we really have read all this stuff, that we can cite so and so, etc. And now we're diss writers, and we have to show that we can PRODUCE knowledge and ideas, as opposed to only demonstrating that we have knowledge of others' ideas. It's a transition for everyone.
But if you *really* feel like the PhD is useless and there is no point in doing it, then you need to take a hard look at why you are doing it and if you should continue to do so. I don't know how much of this was just venting--I know I have days where I say, I can't do this, this is stupid, etc., when deep down I know that I can do it and that it's anythng but stupid. But, if you come to the conclusion that you are only sticking this out for the sake of sticking it out, then it's time to think about a different path. It is too much work and sacrifice to write a dissertation if you don't really, really want it. Don't pay that price in the name of sticking it out. Pay that price because you won't be happy any other way.
{{{Hang in there.}}}
Lilian, just to echo ABDMom...hang in there, it will get better. A good friend told me once she wrote her stuff first, then looked up the research to support it. At the time it seemed incredibly irresponsible--now I realize that may be the only way really to find your voice and say what you want. (It's also faster!) So hang in there, do your best, and --also-- take a day or two off from the specific chapter, if you can, so you can come back to it with fresher eyes. Some of my biggest problems with my diss had to do with revising immediately after receiving feedback, when I just junked huge portions of stuff because the director didn't like them, rather than asking why I'd put them there to begin with and trying to figure out my own point, not hers.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
I'm not in your position, so I don't know if I can offer any meanful words of comfort. I just wanted to offer up my support to you. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteSometimes we get soo deeply involved with something and we loose sight of the real reason which led us in that direction. I'd say what you're going through is a perfectly healty and normal level of burn out and perhaps just taking little distance (even just one day) can help refind the passion behind it. if I substitute "academic"and some other key words in your entry with "company" and other corporate words, I could use this entry to describe the way I feel about my job these days!!! Hang in there, Lilian, and also I think it's great you write in your journal and blog about it, I am sure getting things out will certainly help. Keep up the great writing!
ReplyDeleteI can't claim to be a big shot academic blogger. Modesty more becomes us. What others have said here is dead on.
ReplyDeleteFrom reading my blog, you must have a sense of my own frustrations. I finished though. And, in my case, I was mostly able to write my dissertation, nobody else's. I've complained about the lack of feedback, but part of that is that, after sending the first 50, then the first 100 pages, the feedback I did get struck deeply.
Put aside the theoretical stuff, do something substantial, then get back to us! It felt like a knife cutting deep in my soul. But... that reader was right. I hadn't done the meat. I had been blathering on about what I might do, what I could do, what its possible significance should be.
So, I fell silent. I worked diligently, finishing out my year abroad, then returning home. Life intervened... it often does. I cared for my dying father, my pregnant wife, and our first son. (And to be fair, they all took care of me, as well!). And I wrote.
In the end, I sent them a complete draft of the dissertation, about a year after they had last heard from me, other than the occasional I'm still here, I'm still alive kind of emails. That was my way of writing my own work. Perhaps it was necessary for me to silence their feedback for a while, so I could find my own voice.
The longer I spend without a faculty post, the more entrenched I become in my work, my niche. I realize on the one hand that I may simply be digging my hole deeper, further isolating myself from the mainstream. But the wider I pave my tributary, the more likely they'll make it an offshoot of the highway. In any case, it's my path. Find your own, wherever it leads, and trod on.
I think all of those commenters are right. I feel many of these same frustrations sometimes too. It's weird, because I really am interested in my topic and in trying to get my ideas together, but then I hate my dissertation so much most of the time. Academia messes with us.
ReplyDeleteI hope venting these frustrations helped some, and I hope that you make good progress in the near future and that you see the process as worthwhile.