You probably noticed that I am avoiding the subject, even though it's what my life revolves around daily -- but you might not be able to tell that from reading the blog, at least not lately.
I got some more feedback today, this time from the professor from Brazil who's so graciously being a reader in spite of the fact that she probably won't be at the defense (because I simply won't be able to defend by late June - that's when she'll be in North America). She's helping me a lot, giving me advice about structure and content, things that my advisor hardly ever touches on. I will just have to rewrite a whole chapter though, which is 65 pages long and took ages to get written. Of course I don't need to change everything, but ideally, I should. It's such a daunting task, though, one that leaves me paralyzed with fear.
One of the reasons I have not wanted to write about the dissertation lately is the guilt I felt about "wasting" 3/4 of the month of March. I spent two weeks working on the conference paper and then one week writing a paper for publication (which is much needed to improve my CV, I should say). I have resumed working in earnest and was able to add 10 pages to chapter 3 last week. I'm still very excited about the work I'm doing and I want it to continue like that, that's why I'm so reluctant to "embrace" the feedback I get - I don't want to "loath" my dissertation because then I fear it will be too hard to finish.
You can't imagine the pressure I feel from my parents. They were so hoping I would be able to defend before they went back to Brazil! I'm not that pressed for time though because I have decided to remain a student for one more year so I have the professional affiliation to go on the market in the fall. Even if I defended this summer I wouldn't submit the dissertation to the graduate school just yet. Another positive thing is that with our in-laws here if I need help for a few days - to defend or to finish, we can probably count on them.
Anyway... I wanted "to deliver" for my parents' sake as well. I can't talk about blogs and blogging with my mom because she goes crazy thinking that I'm just waiting all this time when I should be working. As if I could possibly work for 8-9 hours straight every day!
This post is a bunch of random ideas and I don't like that too much, but I just have to speak my mind a bit and try to keep things moving. ABDmom always says that blogging about the dissertation helps her to "hold accountable" to the readers and keeps her on track. I'm hoping to write more often about my struggle as an ABD and see if it helps more. I'm trying to read more academic and ABD blogs so I feel more motivated knowing that I'm not alone, since I tend to focus more on blogs and blogging about personal life as I have said before here (in a nutshell, the first blog I read was Invisible Adjunct and even though I enjoyed and read her thoughts on academia I preferred to focus on her personal posts - this is a perfect metaphor for my life, I enjoy working on the dissertation and academic stuff, but my true interest lies in concentrating on my personal life, my kids, making friends, etc - and you can tell this from reading the blog).
All right, enough said. I will try to go to bed before midnight for the first time in what, a week? I'm a night owl, I love to be up really late, but I can't get used to it since after my parents return to Brazil I have to be up at 7 with the boys. When are they going to let me sleep in? Never? I wonder that every day of my life.
There are a few things I might add. First off, the dissertation and the PhD are about you. They are not about your parents or your advisors. It is simply too much work to be someone else's. Own it. Do what you have to, to get through, sure. But remember it's yours.
ReplyDeleteI think your plan to remain affliated for your first full year of job seeking is advisable. I think it will help you.
I don't know your research, but it's interesting to hear you write about the separation of your work from your life. A certain degree of separation is necessary. But I want to know that your research, your dissertation, your academic career are part of your real life.
It seems unimaginable that they are not. Who would go through the trials and pains of a PhD program without the passion that drives our inquiry? Anxiety and uncertainty are a normal part of the process. You are not alone.
Remember though, that it's important to not let the dissertation get away from you, not let it get co-opted by others. Remember to step back and recall why you are doing this, what led you to this particular path, these particular questions.
I think of the standard acknowledgements in dissertations and books: I thank so-and-so for advice, assistance, direction, guidance... BUT... all choices and errors remain my own.
This is more than courtesy. It is an owning of the work. In a sense it is breaking down that barrier, that compartmentalization, and saying this is me. That too is a necessary part of the process.