Thank you for the kind words of support that those who commented gave me.
I felt pretty bad about yesterday's post for the last 24 hours, but I guess I'm OK with it now. My feelings varied widely -- I went from feeling ashamed, stupid, and immature, just like I said I shouldn't be, to being angry and upset again. Then I felt anxious that maybe I shouldn't have written this, and the next minute frustrated because I actually wished more people could read what I wrote, that I thought I had some valid points, and then I ended up feeling stupid for thinking such a thing -- for who am I? just a nobody-ABD, and Does it matter, in the grand scheme of things, what I think?
I mean, the point here is not really my writing or this dissertation, which I am certainly going to finish, though it may have seemed that way. The problem is deeper and will probably not go away once I'm done (OK, maybe it someday it may if, by any chance in the universe, I do get an academic job). The problem is rooted in my ambivalent, complex feelings about academia in general. Most of the time I'm just numb to them, and almost forget that they exist, but since I went back to work on the dissertation, these feelings are back, sometimes with a vengeance like yesterday.
What I feel now goes like this: I may not be the smartest "Ph.D.-to-be" that ever existed, and I'm probably among the less smart, but, I have concluded that having these ambivalent feelings and a natural reluctance to conform (I've always been quite rebelious, though only intellectually, not in my outward appearance or demeanor) will benefit me and help me be a better academic if I ever do become one. OK, I know I am one, but an unpaid academic, and if this is what it amounts to - if I can only be an academic without being paid, then I'll probably quit.
OK, I'm just too random today, so I'll stop. I was supposed to write about something else entirely today, and I'll write another post about it shortly. Not that anyone will read this anyway (I am a defeatist as well, and a whiner, if you haven't already noticed). Sorry, but that's who I am. Oh yeah, and I probably should have kept on writing about Jane Austen and flowers, shouldn't I? ;-)
To echo Clo, maybe it's normal to go through phases like this now and then. Has it occurred to you to talk to your advisor about your feelings? I guess this also depends on what kind of relationship you have with your advisor ;) - But I did it, when I went through this crisis. I wasn't even particularly close to my advisor then. But I felt so lost that I just had to talk to someone about this. He surprised me when we had this talk. One of the things he said, which helped me a lot, was that every academic goes through a similar crisis; he did too, and then he told me his story ... It's not as though those professors were born as they are and they never had similar conflicts. Maybe they still do, and they are equally bugged by all this academic hypocrisy. But since, ultimately, they love their work, they are willing to play along with it. The difference between me and them was that I never wanted to do the phD in the first place, never wanted to write a dissertation, never wanted to spend the rest of my life in the ivory tower teaching and researching - but I just sort of flowed along with things, not really knowing why I was doing it. I lacked the passion and interest for this. But you seem to have it - so hang in there!! :)
ReplyDeleteLilian, I am in no position to offer advice here, but I just wanted to say that I hope you come to some sort of peace with this soon. The ideal would be if you could find the way to enjoy writing the diss so it would at least have that meaning, and then once it's done, well, go from there. Good luck, and lots of animo! (I don't know if you have the same expression in Portuguese...)
ReplyDeleteLilian, I am in no position to offer advice here, but I just wanted to say that I hope you come to some sort of peace with this soon. The ideal would be if you could find the way to enjoy writing the diss so it would at least have that meaning, and then once it's done, well, go from there. Good luck, and lots of animo! (I don't know if you have the same expression in Portuguese...)
ReplyDelete