I don't know...

... why I am blogging so little this year.

If I make it past 120 posts in 2014 it'll be a victory, I suppose, unless all of a sudden I start posting a lot, but I don't know if it'll happen.

Maybe it's because I've been so busy? Or because I've felt so ambivalent and angst ridden about my work life?

As always, one of the reasons is that I take too many photos I'd love to share and I have to decide which ones to use and making small decisions like those is hard for me. And I also procrastinate and then I reason that it's "too late" to blog about this and that. (ADHD much?)

And, of course, the biggest reason is fact that blogging has declined as other social-media take over.* This leaves me with the sinking feeling that this little blog of mine has not made any impact and that even though I truly cherish the friends I made through blogging, many of them aren't blogging anymore or, most importantly for my own writing in this space, reading my blog. :-(

I didn't want to make tons of money off my blog (though I did make a little bit back in 2005-6) and become a professional blogger. (In fact, I am still really scared of not being semi-anonymous, I feel safer not using my name). But it's very disheartening to witness all this talking of 10 years of BlogHer and all the women bloggers out there who were/are so successful and to realize that I started blogging in 2004, which makes me kind of a "pioneer" of women & mommy-blogging, but that I'm pretty much a sad little "failed" blogger. OK, let's quit the whining.

On other news, I finally, FINALLY made an appointment to be officially "labeled"(just edited the post to add this link!). I don't know where this journey will take me. I don't want to take medication, but maybe I should when I have grading to do. I'm afraid of a "cognitive" therapeutic approach, I know I could use some help, but I don't want to feel I'm going to become someone else or something.

I found a local specialist in adult ADHD who is also Christian (a graduate of Fuller Seminary) and that sounds good to me, but I hope I will like this person. We'll see. At least I'm being proactive after so many years of just talking about it. I think my SIL (who encouraged me to do it back in January) will be happy with my decision to seek professional help. I'll have to wait for nearly a month, though, unless there's a cancelation, so I won't be able to use our flexible spending account for the many co-pays (I think we scheduled about 5 appointments, including the testing and follow-ups).

* I've been trying to write a post about that for a long time, but as I can't find all the links I'd love to include -- see, I'm always trying to be a good and "thorough" blogger and that actually keeps me from blogging more. Vicious cycle. :-( And the fifth paragraph above just kind of made that post moot... sigh...