Subversive Thoughts (with Cynical Overtones)

A couple of weeks ago I began to feel that I missed work (a little bit) and at first that was a pleasant thought. After all, I do enjoy teaching and, for the most part, I don't hate all the driving. And being home all day with the boys was getting on my nerves. Of course I "could" be working, but I don't have the external motivation of a tenure-track job, so I slack off, and then further assure that I'll never ever have a t-t job because I'm not already publishing and researching, vicious circle, yada-yada-yada. (these are fleeting thoughts, I know it is true, though... I should be very stoic & keep on plugging at this even though I'm pessimistic realistic about my prospects).

Then, last week, my thoughts became slightly panicky because I began to think about  how working with NH (new hire) is going to go. I felt overwhelmed again with worry regarding my ABSURD teaching load Th-Th (about 7 class periods, involving driving mid-day from one campus to the other).

I began to suspect, in turn, that the reason why they denied my request not to teach on Fridays (class is taught 5 times a week!) and implement some other activities, has everything to do with NH.  I may be wrong, but I have a hunch about it. And, the worst part is that I feel like asking hir* point plank about it (foolish idea! but I have a feeling I may do it, I am a fool).

HOWEVER, I also realized in the past few days that my employment for the next school year (14-15) will probably depend for the most part on being on good terms with NH and hir willingness to have me teaching more classes that s/he is supposed to teach or is teaching too (but to TWO students next semester -- they definitely didn't need to have hired me full-time & I'm also feeling a bit guilty about that -- I KNOW I SHOULD NOT).

OK, enter this morning's thoughts. I was washing the dishes and I began to think that I need to start planning for 2014-15 already. I need to begin to see if I can come back to U1 (where I still teach 2 classes) full-time. I was thinking "subversive thoughts" as to how the tele-teaching can best help me be hired in a better position.

And I have a feeling that blogging about all this is very bad idea and why I need to be as anonymous as I possibly can. Sigh... (but I know I don't need to worry because very few people read me to begin with).

As for the cynical overtones, they always accompany my whole thought processes very closely. I still feel extremely belligerent towards "academia" and all it represents and all I can an cannot do because of "it" and the way it operates. I know that I need to "work the system" to my advantage as I did that past year, so... I was proactive:

I just sent an email to my (brand new -- for the 2nd time) department chair at U2 because I want to talk about me and next year and about how the relationship with new hire. And teaching load and other things. And I also want to have a meeting with the guy who basically offered me a full-time opportunity at U1. I need to keep all my options open.

Oh, and I know that the subversive aspect is only in my head. There's no way to really "subvert" this cruel system. I wish. I will just keep trying to ride it as best as I can without falling of this "boat" that I'm not even exactly in! In the end, I'm not really a pessimist, am I?

* you may have noticed that I decided to be more vague about this person. I should probably delete older posts that are almost inappropriate. ;) And again I get panicky & think I need to delete all photos of my face from the blog. GAH... I hate to "take back" anything I've posted here. In fact, I have very rarely done so.