Alone

I haven't felt alone like this, in a very long time. I feel so alone, it hurts. So I got in the car and burst into tears (and I don't cry very easily). And I hate crying because I try to hold it and it hurts my throat!

The knot in my stomach was still there and I was just now beginning to not feel frozen cold anymore. All because I needed to write an email back to him (see yesterday's post, I'm blogging from phone & will include link later). Writing that email was hard and reduced me to a pile of nerves (all hats going on is that he's actually going to plan the whole schedule, everything and I... I have to stop pretending that I have a real job).

I knew that it would be hard, but I didn't expect it to be so hard. And to think that it could feel even worse when the semester starts and the "new normal" takes its course! Just the thought of it makes me want to quit, but obviously I can't. I need to work. I need to help my family. It's not a choice or an option, it's a need.

Why do I feel so alone? Because I feel like don't really have a forum to vent and listeners/readers to empathize & commiserate with. And also because I'm married to a tenure track professor who is very sympathetic, but who can't really understand and who gets frustrated with my "paranoia" (in his point of view).

I know that Anastasia & some others will fully understand, but she no longer discusses these issues in her blog (it may sound weird, but this small thing makes me feel more alone). There are people who are not sympathetic when we voice these concerns, so I understand why she moved away from his loaded subject. Most of my academic blogging friends have moved on and I feel like I'm stuck and, worst of all, that I have become this endlessly whiny, annoying creature. Sigh...

I could try to begin reading adjunct blogs & online communities, but those people don't know me!

I had most of this post written when I went to yoga. I thought it'd make me feel better, but no. Two of my U#1 tt colleagues (one just hired) take the class too. They both belong to a program that has the potential of opening a tt position that I could possibly apply for. Sigh... I cannot talk to them about these things!!!

Sigh. I cried again on my way to the grocery store and I'm sitting here in the car.

I fell like I'm being sucked into a dark place right now. I hope this doesn't last long, but it might. It might last a whole year and that's an unbearable thought. I pray I'll be able to bear it and learn to be cheerful again. I feel bad for my husband, because he can't help me and I don't want to aggravate him. Sigh...

I'm sorry to be writing this ridiculously whiny post, but I have nothing left to do.

I'm alone.