Dissertation Defense - PTSD or Just Nostalgia?

I just cried lots and lots right now... because I read this post from Rebecca Wolf's mom talking about the cookies she made for her son's Ph.D. defense at Harvard.

I'm wondering if crying and crying after looking at these beautiful dissertation defense photos is some form of post-phd (nearly FIVE years later, isn't that CRAZY?) post-traumatic stress disorder?

I mean... I just thought it was so beautiful, the photos and the spirit of the people in them. It reminded of my own defense as I wrote on my comment to that post.

Sigh.

Long-time readers will know how incredibly hard it all was for me. The three long years finishing writing. The horrible month revising and resubmitting on time for commencement.

Yeah, I definitely think PTSD is a genuine description of what I feel when I remember February to May 2008 (defense was on April 16, I will never ever forget that date, for as long as I live).

Why do I have a lump on my throat when I write this?

I think it's because I still feel like this whole phd thing was kind of USELESS. yes, I do. That's why I was so anguished last week writing all those posts about tenure jobs, etc.

So much effort that's basically worth nothing.

Because a tenure track job in languages, literature, cultures is nearly IMPOSSIBLE. It's harder to come by than winning the lottery. Seriously.

That's why I tell whoever is around and can hear me NOT to EVER even CONSIDER getting a phd in one of those areas.

Because it hurts too much looking back.

OK, done being a drama queen. I know, it's ridiculous, but heartfelt.

Ha     Ha    Ha. Sorry.

P.S. I met the super handsome candidate (my students were late [not]finishing their exam). I hope they hire him, he's probably great! We talked for only a few minutes, but he's super smart and enthusiastic, I think we click & I'd love working with him. I'm sure the other guy will be fine too, but I think I prefer this one. They'll decide on Friday.

Oh, but now I'm tempted not to work there anymore if I can work closer to home. Gotta blog more about that.